You know, I cannot believe Marco and Lennox have been sneaking around.
My own nephew, he lied to me.
My niece lied to me, too. How come I'm not freaking out?
I don't know. Painkillers?
Please. I built up a tolerance to those years ago.
Hours ago.
It's different, okay?
Marco made Lennox lie to you.
Made her? What, does he got some kind of hold on her?
Yes! Honey, I keep telling you, alright?
You are underestimating the power of a male with Longo blood.
We can get women to do anything.
Anything!
The powers are limitless.
Can you open the door here, please? Yup.
I... I just think we should enjoy the beautiful night sky until your urge to m*rder passes.
Babe, I'm telling you, I'm gonna go in there, I'm gonna be under control. I'm not even gonna raise my voice.
Trust me.
Okay.
I didn't bring my keys.
Grab mine, they're in my pocket.
Yeah, I don't think your keys are in here.
I'm sorry, I meant the other pocket.
So you were just gonna let me feel around in there all day?
I was.
Get in there.
Eh...
Cool and calm?
Yo...
(Scoffs) Cool and calmed.
(Sinister music plays on TV)
Hello, lovebirds.
(Both scream)
Um... aunt Mel, Joe, uh...
What... what are you guys doing home?
You scared me half to death.
Great! Now I'm gonna finish the other half.
(Clears throat)
Calmly.
(Music theme playing)
<i>♪ It's all good ♪
♪ all good ♪
♪ it's okay ♪
♪ okay ♪
♪ it's all right ♪
♪ all right ♪
♪ as far as I can see ♪
♪ it's all good ♪
♪ all good ♪
♪ it's okay ♪
♪ okay ♪
♪ it's all right ♪
♪ all right ♪
♪ I guess you're stuck ♪
♪ with me ♪</i>
I cannot believe my own nephew lied to my face.
What, did you think I wasn't gonna find out?
I got one question for you, Marco. Just one.
Do you think I'm stupid? Or are you stupid?
I'm not stupid.
That's two questions.
That's two... two ques... (Laughs nervously)
Okay. Come on, Marco. We don't have to listen to this.
Actually, you do.
Actually, they don't. They're adults.
Hey!
Just because you're adults, doesn't mean it's right to lie to my face.
You wanna punch me?
Go ahead.
Okay. No. Hitting him isn't gonna change the way I feel about him.
I know that!
But I would feel better.
Joe, hitting doesn't solve anything, right?
All right, fine!
Fine, no one's gonna hit anyone.
Marco knows what he was doing was wrong. Otherwise, why would he be keeping it a secret?
I'm the one who wanted to keep it a secret.
I wasn't sure about us, but...
Now I am.
Aww!
Don't "aww"!
This is... this is not an "aww"!
It's not the worst thing in the world.
I don't know.
It's pretty close.
Uncle Joe...
I know you think I'm just a mook from Jersey and she's out of my league, but there is nothing you can do to hold back true like.
See how I didn't say "love"?
I know you wanna take this thing slow and I respect that.
I don't get it.
What could you two possibly have in common?
(Both laugh)
Oh jeez!
Um, why don't you guys give me and Joe a minute?
OK. I'm just relieved this is out in the open.
Come on, Marco. We'll be up in my room.
Keep your door open.
I mean, close it.
I mean...
I don't know what I want!
Joe, I think you handled that...
As well as you could.
Yeah, it's a big victory.
Lennox is upstairs in her bedroom right now with a player.
Lennox is a grown woman. She's gonna do what she wants to do.
Wow.
I'm powerless.
I am completely powerless.
These... g*ns, they...
They have no f*ring pin.
Oh! You're back!
Listen, this boy asked me out on a date tomorrow night.
I won't be too late.
You see that? First week in a new school and Dani's already making friends.
Isn't that great?
It's awesome. You're not going.
But I already said yes.
Oh! Oh, you already said yes?
Oh, well. You know, it that case...
You're not going.
Why?
Why? You want a reason?
All right. Look, I actually have a very good one.
Now, look, it's... It's a little complicated, but, uh...
Here it is...
'Cause I said so.
Oh, you're such a dictator!
Wow! First Lennox is mad at you, now Dani.
I'm sorry, Joe.
You kidding?
That felt great!
f*ring pin is coming back.
Hey, look at this!
The monster truck rally is in town.
Ugh... can you imagine people actually go to that crap?
Did I mention I welded the cage to the crushmobile at the northeast monster truck-o-Rama?
And we won "Most Bodacious."
That's...
Impressive.
Don't worry, I'm sure there's tons of things we can find to do together.
Both: Hmm...
Hey, Amelia just asked if I could go to the movies with her tonight.
Can you take me?
Oh, happy to.
Yeah, now that I got my cast off, that's the kind of wonderful thing I can do.
I can also do this.
Wow! Now you're not just cool aunt Mel, you're cool Stepmom Mel.
I am!
I need to update my Twitter bio.
You are much cooler than Joe.
I know, but don't tell him.
(Mimics Jack Nicholson) He can't handle the truth.
That's a reference.
Never mind.
Hey, I bet there's tons of movies that we could see.
Oh yeah, of course there are.
Ooh, I really want to see this French film, <i>La Tristesse de ma Mère.</i>
It means "the sadness of my mother."
If his mother's a robot, I'm in.
But you know what I hear is also cool?
<i>Zeke, the Talking Donkey.</i>
Check out the ad.
"Zeke...
"The dirtiest ass in Cleveland."
Get it?
I wish I didn't.
Oh, okay.
Maybe we should just give up, huh?
What? No, no, hold on. How about...
How about this one? <i>Hang the Iron Lantern?</i>
It's a documentary about a local sculptor, Thorndyke Welles.
He makes art, which I like, and his sculptures are made of metal, which you, as a welder, would enjoy.
That sounds good, doesn't it?
Yeah.
Are you lying?
Yeah.
But seriously, if you're interested, I'm interested.
But if that art movie is sold out, the donkey movie, 3-d, so when Zeke burps, your hair blows back.
(Clapping)
Thorndyke Welles is such a genius.
I mean, to spend three years working on that one sculpture.
I don't know what he was doing all that time.
Me and my boys could have that thing knocked out in a weekend.
No! He was creating something of...
Incredible symbolic complexity.
Whatever! The welds sucked.
Drippy. Uneven. He is not getting in the union with sloppy work like that.
Hey, Lennox.
Zander.
You know Marco.
Yeah, we've met.
So, uh...
That's new.
Oh yeah.
Well, after you broke up with me, my roommates thought it wise to hide all the razor blades, so...
Voila!
So, the movie. Was that incredible or what?
Yeah. Thorndyke Welles is a genius.
Oh, he's gonna be signing copies of his book in the lobby.
I know! I'm actually working up the courage to re-introduce myself to him.
I had an interview with him last week to be an intern at his art studio.
Excuse me, I'm gonna go make some art in the men's room.
If I run into Thorndyke, I'll tell him what's wrong with his welds.
It's a good plan. I'm sure he'll love that.
So... (Chuckles)
You two are, uh...
Officially going out, huh?
We are.
Good.
Good. Question...
Question, uh...
When you take him to a movie like this, do you have to explain it to him in little tiny words?
It's not nice to talk behind someone's back.
No, I know, but if I said it to his face, he'd punch me.
Hey.
Dani! Great!
I thought your dad wouldn't let you come out on a date.
My dad has no idea.
Luckily, my stepmom's easy to scam.
Joaquin and Dash are getting us some popcorn. They'll be right back.
Hiya!
What are you doing here?
You were just supposed to drop me off.
Oh. Well, I saw the poster.
I didn't know this was a Zeke movie. I love that talking donkey.
You know, he really speaks his mind.
Anyway, if it's awkward for your girlfriends to see me, I can sit a few rows back.
(Stammers)
(Squeaks)
That was weird.
A totally random boy just handed me popcorn for absolutely no reason.
Is this a date?
No!
It's a double date.
Thanks!
Don't tell Joe.
(Deep voice) He can't handle the truth.
Did I say it right?
Dani, your dad told you no dating!
Yeah, but clearly that ship has sailed.
I can't leave you here with these boys.
That would be like lying to Joe.
I've done it. It's not that hard.
Joe and I are a team. I can't go behind his back.
But what about me?
It'll be totally embarrassing if I just leave.
Come on, you were 13 once.
Not that long ago.
Uh-huh, yeah. Like I'm gonna fall for that.
How long ago do you think?
If my stepmom drags me out of here, the humiliating photos will be all over the Internet before I leave the lobby.
My life at my new school will be totally ruined.
Okay, but Joe never finds out.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
All right, I'll wait for you in the lobby.
But when this movie gets out, you are getting a hickey check.
What's a hickey?
Ha-ha. Nice try.
Morning.
Hey!
Dani must be pretty mad at me.
Kids, huh?
Yeah, well, she didn't even say good night to me when you guys got home from the movies last night.
I'll tell you, you know, her dad says she can't date, all of a sudden I'm a monster.
That's the price you pay for being a tough parent.
Yep, yep, yep.
I gotta tell you, honey, it really means the world to me that you have my back on this one, because now I know you and I are truly teammates.
Yep, yep, yep.
And I just wanna apologize in advance because in about a minute Dani's going to come downstairs, and she's gonna be throwing a whole bunch of teenage attitude our way.
Good morning, everyone!
Did you see the sky outside?
It's so beautiful, it's like a screen saver!
Hashtag no filter!
Hey, kiddo.
How did you and the girls enjoy the talking donkey movie?
So stupid.
I loved it.
Wow.
You see what I did?
What?
I parented the crap out of her!
You know, Mel, confirms what I always thought: Even with kids today, a good old-fashioned dose of vitamin N still works.
Vitamin N?
Yeah, the word "no".
Administer as needed.
Up high, teammate.
Yep, yep, yep.
Hey.
Hey!
So, here are this week's drawings for "Cassandra."
Great, thanks.
You know, I'm glad that even though we broke up, we can work together on our web series.
Yeah! Oh, you know who else I might be working with pretty soon?
I'll tell you his initials: It's renowned American sculptor, Thorndyke Welles!
Wait, you got the internship?
Well, not quite.
It's down to me and one other guy.
There's no way that other dwerp is one-tenth as talented as you.
You're totally getting this internship.
Well, you can't be too sure, especially since the other dwerp is me.
What?
Excuse me, what? I'm sorry.
Yeah! After the screening, I wound up standing beside Thorndyke at the urinals.
I told him what I thought of his lame pipe.
Then I clarified and explained I was referring to his shoddy welds.
Okay, so... the other guy is you.
But you're, uh...
You're...
Someone Mr. Welles said he could learn a lot from.
I gotta go call my mom. She's going to be so proud.
Oh my God!
I can't believe he's doing this to me.
Zander, he's not doing anything to you.
Are you blind, Lennox? Your boyfriend is totally screwing both of us!
In very different ways.
If you guys don't need any more help, I have some extra credit homework I want to get to.
We can take care of the rest. You are excused.
Amazing. Huh?
From a single seed of discipline comes an entire forest of good behavior.
And we thought we were gonna have trouble with that one.
Oh boy, were we wrong.
Yeah!
I'll tell ya, honey, I think this...
Parenting victory calls for a little celebration.
Yesterday when I was at the hardware store, I bought a party bulb off the impulse rack. It's in my nightstand.
Why don't you, uh...
Run upstairs and flip it on?
Yeah you will! (Laughs)
(Cellphone buzzes)
Oh, hey, Dan! You left your phone on the table, sweetie!
"Can't wait for our next double date. Thank your cool stepmom for making it possible. Joaquin."
Dead man Joaquin.
I got you some... ♪ frozen yogurt. ♪
Why do you want to work for Thorndyke Welles?
Some girls would just say, "I'm so lucky to have a boyfriend who brings me frozen treats."
Well, I just...
I can't figure it out.
Why, all of a sudden, someone who has no interest in art wants so badly to work for this artist.
It doesn't matter anymore.
The gallery just texted me. Zander got the job.
You were right.
I couldn't compete with an actual artist.
Wow.
You really wanted that job.
But how come? I mean, you'd be a glorified gopher, and you're not even interested in art.
Yeah, but you are.
And maybe then we'd have a little more in common.
Besides that.
I wasn't sure if your motives were pure.
Turns out your motives were awesome.
It really doesn't bother you that our interests are different?
No, of course not.
And I bet with time I could learn to love monster trucks.
Really?
Yes.
Are you lying?
Yes.
Oh, I wasn't expecting you at all, but now that you're here...
Mel, before we go any further...
(Gasps) Right, I almost forgot.
(Squeaks)
Janelle, in zoning, got really too into <i>Fifty Shades of Grey.</i>
And now she wants everyone to be as twisted as she is.
And it would be rude not to use her secret Santa gift.
Listen, honey, I really appreciate all the trouble you went to, but, uh...
We really need to talk.
Oh, right.
We cannot go any further without a safe word.
How about, um...
How about "Stepmom"?
Or maybe, uh...
"Double date."
Or, oh, wait a minute. Here's my favorite: My wife lied to me!
This does not sound like... ♪ foreplay. ♪
I told Dani she couldn't date, and you took her out to meet a boy?
Okay, look, it all started very innocently.
I was trapped, you know, handcuffed, if you will. And speaking of which...
(Gasps) What's in here?
(Clinking)
Stop it! All right? Don't distract me with your sex-cessories.
Okay? And you know what? Would you take that silly mask off, please?
Because I feel like I'm being hit on by Batman.
Okay, look...
(Spits)
I didn't know that there was gonna be a boy there until after we got there.
Besides, it was just a movie!
"Just a movie"?
Half my neighborhood was conceived during just a movie!
Joe, if I dragged her out of there in front of her friends, she would have been humiliated. You were 13 once.
Not as recently as me, but...
Mel! We are husband and wife, we are teammates!
I understand you had to make a tough call in the heat of the moment, but why didn't you tell me afterwards?
There was a very good reason.
Well?
Look, you know Lennox and Marco did not come to you when they started dating?
Because they knew it was wrong!
Or maybe they were worried about how you'd react.
I reacted fine!
No one got hit.
Joe, I would love it if we could set the bar a little higher than "no one got hit."
Hey, hey! What do Marco and Lennox have to do with us, anyway?
(Sighs) Okay.
Now... if I tell you this, you promise you won't fly off the handle?
(Scoffs) Yes. Honey, come on.
You can tell me anything.
Here goes.
Okay.
Joe...
You're not always that easy to talk to.
(Shouting) Me? What?
That is insane...
(Calmly) ...ly important for me to hear.
I do that a lot?
What's a lot? Yeah, constantly.
So people are afraid to tell me things 'cause of how I might react.
That explains a lot.
What?
When I was a kid...
And my mom told me there was no Santa Claus...
She had my Uncle Saul there...
The cop.
It was a good call. I didn't take it well.
Well, Joe, I still love you, all of you, you know, even the...
Overreacty, angry parts.
It's not all anger, Mel.
A lot of it is, uh...
Fear, actually.
I was afraid Lennox would get hurt and there was nothing I could do about it.
Dani's even younger than that. I gotta tell you...
You were worried she'd get hurt?
No, I'm worried I'm gonna be a grandfather.
Thanks for letting me know that my...
Parental concern can look a little...
Scary at times.
You're welcome. And...
I should have come straight out and told you what I did for Dani.
So, wait a minute.
In other words...
You were, um...
Really? You're gonna make me say it?
I'm just saying. You know, you went through all this trouble for a romantic evening.
This could really get the night going.
I was...
Wrong.
Oh God, that does it to me.
So wrong.
Mm-hmm.
Mistaken. Incorrect.
I am not withholding anything from you tonight.
So, I start tomorrow as Thorndyke's new intern.
You know...
Answering phone calls, running errands...
Plunging the occasional toilet.
Doesn't sound very glamorous, but I'm really excited.
Well, I'm sure you'll be working side by side with him in his studio in no time.
Oh no. (Laughs) No.
No. He made it very clear: Nobody touches the art but Mr. Welles.
Hey guys.
(Both) Oh hey!
Hey, you know, sorry about that job.
Better luck next time, right?
Yeah, maybe it just wasn't the job for you, but I know there will be other opportunities that fit you perfectly.
That is exactly what Thorndyke said when he told me I wasn't gonna get that gopher job.
But then a funny thing happened.
He just called and asked if I wanna help out in the studio Pouring metal and doing the welding.
I'm gonna be his new apprentice!
So... You're gonna touch the art?
You're just gonna do that?
His exact words were,
"Marco, I want you by my side as I create."
Well, didn't this just work out great for everybody?