01x02 - Series 1, Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

I'd just popped in for a quick shop.

Two minutes, in and out.

All I needed was milk and tea bags and a packet of AA batteries.

It was a Tuesday, 6.30, and that's when I saw her.

I thought, "That's her. That's who I'm going to spend my whole life with."

What's she look like?

She's not your sort of beautiful, but I think she's lovely.

Past the sell-by.

But you might never see her again.

Oh, I've seen her loads.

I go back every Tuesday between 6.30 and 6.45, and there she is.

How many times have you done that?

15.

I love her.

Banana!

(car door shuts)

(central locking clicks)

She's got a wedding ring, but that doesn't mean anything.

She's old enough to be divorced.

Then again, I reckon there must be someone else, cos the amount of toilet paper she buys, that's got to be enough for two, unless she's got problems.

Oh, my God!

You've worked out her sh1tting patterns.

I told you, I love her.

But this envelope, it was like an internal envelope, like the ones you get at Clement's, but this one says HMRC.

What do you think it means?

It means, get yourself a smartphone and look it up.

I think you'll find it's customs...

Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs, they're based at Salford Quays.

She works in customs.

There you go!

So if I phoned them up and said, "Can I speak to Y Burgess, please?" would they put me through?

Well, better be careful.

She'd have to sign the Official Secrets Act, working in a place like that.

Oh, my God!

You're in love with a spy!

(mouths)

Yes!

Aye aye for fishy pie, what time do you call this?

Sorry! I can only do two hours, I've got to go by nine.

You break my heart, Scots, you break my bloody heart.

£5.99 per month.

If you can tell me the details of your current plan, I can work out a deal right now.

Water maintenance, how can I help?

I would just recommend the alpha package...

I recommend the alpha package...

Hello, my name is Scotty.

Yeah, so think of all the peace of mind you'd be getting.

I guarantee...

Cos this is the problem.

You can't smoke in the doorways any more.

And the smoking shelter's too far away.

You're all adding five minutes onto your break, just by walking.

So now we've got this...

... the Red Cap Policy.

You all get a cap, OK?

And you can't take it home, you've got to keep it on your desk at all times.

And this is how it works.

If you want to stop work and have a break, sitting right where you are... you just put the cap on.

That's all you do. You put on the red cap.

And while you're wearing the cap, no-one can bother you, no-one can talk to you.

This is your chance for some peace and quiet, sitting right where you are.

And you can use the cap for ten minutes, once every shift just register ten minutes on your personal DMS, Bob's your uncle.

But there's still no smoking, right?

Of course there's no smoking, you d*ck.

But for ten minutes, no-one can interrupt you, not me, not Mrs Bowen, not even if Nev himself walked in.

While you're wearing the red cap, your life's your own.

Why can't we smoke e-cigs?

Because you can't!

I don't get it.

Why don't you just move the smoking shelter?

Seriously, Bruce, it's made of plastic, I could move it myself.

Oi, Bruce, you're a dickhead.

(cheering and laughter)

Oh, I f*cking love the red cap.

Hey, Bruce, Naked Mary said you've got a tiny knob, is that true?

If you don't answer, then it's true!

Bruce, can I shag your missus?

Bruce, can I piss on your head?

Bruce, if you don't say no, I'll go round your house and do your wife right now.

Is that all right?

Like he did last week.

Like I did last week!

He did her last week in your kitchen and she said it was the best sex she'd ever had.

All right, you bastards, get back to work!

I had your wife, Bruce!

All right, cap's off now, you numbskull!

Get on with it.

Marlene's the only one on target. Rest of you, catch up.

(printer whirs)

And who's been printing?

Me.

Right, that's... that's 20p a sheet.

And I've got a bloody lovely kitchen.

Hello, sorry to bother you.

I was wondering, could I speak to Yvonne?

I might have made a mistake. Is there an Yvette there?

No?

Sorry, sorry, bye-bye.

(all sigh)

Right, next one.

Got to be the next one!

How many more Burgesses are there?

It's wearing thin, to be honest.

It's not going to work.

Well, what else can she do?

Yeah.

What if she asks for Yvonne and Yvette is literally standing there but she doesn't ask?

I think we should give it a break now. What do you think, Scotty?

Hello.

Sorry to bother you, I was wondering, can I speak to Yvonne, please?

I can?!

(excited murmuring)

No, just... tell her it's Scotty... from Customs.

He's going to get her!

What do I say?

Tell her you love her!

No, tell her you want to talk to her about exporting china plates from Spain, rare china plates, and, um...

I don't know, you're worried about the euro.

(giggling)

Hello?

Is this Yvonne?

(silent, then squeals cheering)

(door opens)

It's me.

Hey, guess who was here?

I don't know.

Jimmy Mac!

No way!

Jimmy Mac!

Her name's Yvonne, she lives out in Heaton Moor.

She's nice.

Have you asked her out?

I don't know what to say.

It's no good pining.

Ask her out, Viv. She might say yes.

Lovely girl like you, course she will.

So... when are you seeing her again?

I don't know. Tuesday, maybe.

Well, do like I said.

I will, Mum.

Mwah.

Mwah.

Viv...

Hmm?

Don't be daft with her, OK?

Just ask her out and be nice, and if she says no, move on.

Don't get all silly this time.

Promise?

OK, Mum.

(Scotty's phone beeps)

(house phone rings)

(ringing tone)

Hello.

(phone beeps)

Music: "Lullay Lullay" (Coventry Carol) by "Annie Lennox"

♪ Lullay lullay ♪
♪ My little tiny child ♪
♪ Bye-bye, lullay lullay ♪
♪ Lullay lullay ♪
♪ My little tiny child ♪
♪ Bye-bye, lullay lullay... ♪
♪ Oh, sisters two ♪
♪ How may we do ♪
♪ For to preserve this day... ? ♪

What do you want?

What do you think you're doing?

What are you doing sitting there? You're scaring my wife to death.

(engine starts)

Who are you? Come on! Who are you?

We've had enough, all right? We've had enough!

Who are you?

♪ ... Lullay lullay ♪
♪ My little tiny child ♪
♪ Bye-bye, lullay lulle ♪
♪ Bye-bye, lullay lullay. ♪

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry!

Yeah, well, tell it to your boss once we've had our say.

Please, don't, please, please, please. I'm...

I'm really, really sorry.

Please, don't.

Gary: It's like being terrorised.

We sit and watch TV, thinking, "Is she out there?"

We're lying in bed, thinking, "Where is she now? Is she going round the back with her g*ng?"

What the hell are you doing?

I haven't got a g*ng.

Then what are you after?

Look, don't get me in trouble.

They sacked my friend Mr Best last week, and it's not just me, it's Salmaan.

Who's he, then, your ringleader?

He signs out the van.

It's not allowed after six but Salmaan likes me, so he lets me have it.

I'm glad this Salmaan's so important what about me?

Those phone calls every night, what was the point of that?

(door clatters)

Not now, Meatballs.

Sorry.

I think you're beautiful.

What?

I'm sorry.

I think you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

What the hell are you going on about?

It's what I think.

That's why you were there?

Is that what you're saying? Have I got this right?

You did all of it... for her?

Yeah.

Seriously?

You think Yvonne is beautiful enough to be stalked?

Thank you very much!

Oh, you know what I mean!

Yes.

Yes, I do, and you're right, I don't believe a word of it.

(Yvonne sighs)

What on earth would you see in me?

You're lovely.

Don't be ridiculous.

I think you are.

Don't be so ridiculous!

Look, please don't tell them, though.

I can't afford to lose my job. They don't pay enough at Pito's.

What's Pito's?

A call centre.

I work at Pito's seven till ten.

Then I work here from Monday to Friday.

Sunday, I help Mrs Moore, and then...

Saturday, I help clean up at the milkshake shop.

Bloody hell, you must be exhausted.

No.

So... I don't know where we are now. Um... From our point of view, we're in our own house, being stalked, and it has to be said, it's not my fault and you can sh**t me if you like... but we're being stalked by a black kid, and that's a fact.

Plus, you're nuts. I mean, no offence, but you're bloody nuts.

So what do we do?

I don't know.

What do you think?

I still don't believe her.

It was a Tuesday.

It was 6.30. And you were nice.

You were nice to a woman at the till.

You'd been looking all cross and busy, but then there was this old woman and she only had two items, so you let her go first.

And you changed.

You lit up... this smile, you sort of beamed at her.

And that's all, but I thought, "She's so kind."

I thought, "She's got the kindest eyes I've ever seen."

And I knew... right then.

I'm not stupid. I knew you'd never let me in.

And... never even thought you'd say hello, and that's OK...

I didn't expect anything.

I just liked being a little bit closer.

It was nice.

But these conditions are final.

We don't want to see you again, not ever, not even shopping.

Tuesday, 6.30, is banned. Got that?

I'm not going back there anyway.

No! You don't change a thing, Scotty does.

Promise me... we're never gonna see you again.

I promise.

Now go, don't just stand there looking all forlorn.

(car central locking bleeps)

Buzz off.

Forget about us. Just turn around and go.

Music: "My Hands" by "Grey Reverend"

♪ My hands, they still believe in you ♪
♪ My heart learns from staring through ♪
♪ My back against the wall singing yesterday's lines ♪
♪ And so... ♪
♪ So many times I cross the line to get to you ♪
♪ Cos no-one likes you quite the way I do. ♪

That's not fair.

It's Thursday. We agreed.

We said not Tuesdays.

I need a word, that's all.

I won't keep you long, but I'm afraid we haven't quite finished.

Last time we met, I went...

I went home that night, and, er...

Gary went to bed, he never goes to bed first, but I was wide awake.

I stayed awake for hours and hours... all because some silly little girl kept rattling around my head.

And I didn't appreciate that, I can tell you.

And then the next day, and the next... all I could hear was your nonsense.

I couldn't work out why it got to me.

Well, it was all very simple in the end.

And ridiculous, but...

But no-one's ever called me beautiful before.

They must have.

Nope, they have not.

Don't be daft.

I'm not anyone's idea of a prize, I know that.

But I really think you're lovely.

Laughing: I know!

And I just wanted to tell you that...

I'm 42 years old, and in all those years, that's the nicest thing that anyone's ever said to me.

Really?

Literally.

The nicest thing.

And I wanted to say thank you, Scotty. Thank you very much.

Now, I can't return the gesture.

Obviously, that's... not even possible, in any way.

That's... That's OK.

And you're a bit young for me.

(they giggle)

I didn't tell Gary I was coming.

Like we're having an affair.

No.

No, it's not. Now, don't start.

But I...

I thought you deserved, well...

I'm not sure, maybe you're the first to know.

..that I'm going, I think. I've got to... check a few things first, but...

Yes! Ha!

Now I've said it out loud.

I'm gonna go.

Go where?

I don't know.

But on me own, without Gary.

Oh, my God, does he hit you?

Why would he hit me, where do you get that from?

Cos you're leaving him.

I'm leaving cos I want to.

Oh, you do make things up!

He's a nice man. He's...

He's nice enough. It's...

It's just reached that point where you've had every conversation you're ever going to have.

See, I think that's why people have kids, so they have something new to talk about, and... well, basically, that... never happened for us, so when a nice girl tells you that you're beautiful, I think you should listen.

So, yes.

I'm off.

Where will you go?

I don't know, I...

My sister lives in France, she's in Toulouse, she married an electrician, I could go there.

And then I don't know, it's like a stepping stone, I could go anywhere.

All thanks to you.

I could give you money.

What for?

I've got 6,000, all saved up.

I think it's almost 7,000 now.

You can have it, you can run away, I don't mind, you can have it all.

Cos I keep saving and saving and I don't spend any of it.

I just keep saving it all up and you can have it.

Mrs Burgess, you can have it, you'd be safe.

Why would you do that?

So that you're happy.

But that's your money, Scotty.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Oh, my God, you'll give it all away, won't you?

I'm just trying to help.

You're so full of love, and it's got nowhere to go.

But listen to me now, that's your money.

Don't give it to anyone, not ever, even if there's some girl, and there will be a girl, one day, some awful girl, and... even if she's breaking your heart, don't you dare give it away.

Promise me.

Really, though.

Yeah.

If ever you think about giving it away, think of me now, staring at you with these eyes and remember what I said.

I will protect you, Scotty, that's my gift.

I will stop you from giving that money away.

Now promise me with all your heart.

I promise.

Oh, you're so young.

Who have you got? Have you got friends and things?

I've got you.

(Yvonne sighs)

No, sweetheart, no.

You haven't got me at all.

Music: "Metal & Dust" by "London Grammar"

♪ And so you build ♪
♪ A life on trust ♪
♪ Though it starts ♪
♪ With love and lust ♪
♪ We don't argue ♪
♪ We don't argue. ♪

Evening, Scots!

£5.99 a month, so that's the basic package...

And if you then decide you don't want...

And the cost is £5.99 per month, but if you upgrade to the Alpha Package at £9.99, that gives you everything.

I'm looking for Scotty.

Bruce: OK, have you signed in with security, sir?

No, I haven't signed in with anyone.

You need to sign in with security first, sir.

What did you say to her?

We were fine till you came along, what did you say?

She had this stupid bloody notion.

She said, "Scotty's happy for me."

What the hell have you been saying, eh?!

OK, can we just back off? Scotty, wh... what you been doing?

France!

She's gone to France!

She's packed her bags and gone to France, you little bloody bitch!

Oi, watch it!

Oi! Leave her alone, you bastard!

f*ck you think you're talking to, mate?!

Shut up, all of you. I need to get this sorted.

OK, that's enough!

(they shout over each other)

What did you say to my wife?!

You tell me what you said!

(clamour is muted)

(speech is muted)

Music: "Settle" by "Two Door Cinema Club"

♪ Learn to fly, learn to fly ♪
♪ Show the world how you try ♪
♪ But don't let go until you know ♪
♪ Until you know me ♪
♪ Cos I can see, I can see ♪
♪ All the things ♪
♪ Arresting me ♪
♪ But I control, I control ♪