04x10 - And the Move-In Meltdown

[bunniefuu]

Care for a cupcake?

Well, our new outdoor seating area is about as popular as Paula Deen at an NBA game.

How much longer do we have to be out here?

We are cold.

So, so cold.

I can see my breath.

And my boys are up by my rib cage.

I can smell his breath.

And my boys are up by where my boys used to be.

And these customers aren't helping.

How could we have thought a strong Han presence would make it more popular?

Max, in hindsight, it feels like us not springing for those heat lamps was a bad call.

Uh, you think?

Guys, I just peed a little to keep warm.

Well, I peed a little 'cause I had no choice.

Great, they're stuck to the bench.

Go get the windshield scraper.

(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh ♪

[cash register bell dings]

♪ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh ♪

Reading Us Weekly, Earl?

Ooh, "Stars. They're just like us."

Well, if they're just like us, where's the picture of them turning their underwear inside out?

Caroline left it in the men's room.

And as I said that out loud, I realized that I must have been in the ladies' room.

I can't see, Max.

Max, I've got some exciting news!

Eh, I vowed I'd never get excited about anything again after that last Indiana Jones.

I found us two discount heat lamps on Sherry's list.

It's like Craigslist, but without the high probability of being m*rder*d by a deranged medical student.

And about those lamps?

Uh, no.

We can't worry about our outdoor business.

We barely have an indoor business.

And we never will, with that attitude.

I'm gonna ask you one more time: please listen to those Tony Robbins tapes we found in the garbage.

Well, girls, tomorrow's the day I've been looking forward to for three years.

You're getting your teeth cleaned?

Sorry, that's what's we've been looking forward to.

I'm moving in with Sophie.

From now on, the booty call is coming from inside the house.

I couldn't help but overhear.

From way back there?

Your ears should give a pep talk to the other parts of your body.

And, Oleg, if you need any help with the move, might I offer my services?

My trainer Skylar says I'm getting ripped.

Yeah, ripped off by Skylar.

Thanks, Han.

And as a bit of a payback, I'll wash my hands back here tonight.

See you later, neighbors.

Oleg's moving in?

This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

And I lost $2 billion.

What is the problem? This is all good news.

Sophie an Oleg are in love.

Yeah!

And they'll be in love on our stairs, in our hallway, and on every surface of the laundry room.

What do you know about love anyway, Christian Single?

I know Jesus has a girl for me.

He has to.

I'm $400 deep into that damn website.

Look, we just make a pact that no matter what happens upstairs, or on the stairs or in the laundry room, we don't invite it into our apartment.

Hey, everybody!

Oh! Brr!

It's raining cats and goats out there.

Don't you mean "cats and dogs"?

Oh, it's so nice to be corrected as you walk in the door.

Hey, baby.

Can you believe in 24 hours we'll be living in sin?

Oh, don't worry.

My parents don't know.

I'm having a dinner party tomorrow night to celebrate.

And also because I have 15 pounds of beef that's about to go bad.

So, Max, Caroline, are you in?

Actually, Sophie, we're busy...

We'll be there.

If there's beef involved, I'm involved.

What happened to the pact we just made?

I hate to tell you this... if it comes down to you or beef, I'm always going beef.

[baby cries]

[laughs]

That was Sherry from Sherry's list.

She makes you call her that.

She said she's consider charging us $150 if we pick up the heat lamps themselves.

And I'm charging you with three counts of interrupting this "Baby in a Faulty High Chair" video.

[thudding]

[Oleg groans]

[laughs] Someone fell in real life!


Oleg: You told me you had it.


Han: I said I didn't have it.

It's Oleg and Han moving in.

Get away from the door!

Han will see your feet under the door.

They're right at his eye level.

This is like a horror movie... Saw III.

Because when Han bent over, I saw 3 inches of his cr*ck.

So you saw his whole cr*ck?

[pounding on door]

Step away!


Oleg: Open the door, Max.

I'm about to k*ll Han, and I know you're gonna want to see that.

Damn it! He's right.

Cute outfit, Han.

Like one of those male strippers from "No Thunder From Down Under."

This is so heavy.

Oleg, what do you have in here?

Socks!

Really, Han, It's like your arms are only there for decoration.

To be fair, Oleg's socks probably have some pretty heavy loads in them.

Oleg, what is all your junk doing out here?

Do I actually smell girls screaming?

I bring things up, Sophie says "No,"

I bring them right back down.

Is there no elevator up in this bitch?

Oleg, you forgot your painting, and this one's a definite "No."

Sophie, I haven't gotten a "Yes" yet, aside from the quickie we had up against the bathroom sink.

Not such a quickie.

They locked me out and I had to eat my lunch in the truck.

Then what was the point of me renting a moving truck?

I mean, besides the rough sex we had up against the sides?

They locked me outside on the side of the road for that one.

Okay, well, we have to go back in.

See you tonight at the beef-a-thon.

No, Oleg.

Maybe I'm being unfair.

I mean, you have all this stuff that you like, and they have an apartment.

Put it in there.

Sophie!

I'll see you at 8:00!

So what do you say, girls?

Absolutely not...

Yes.

Max, there's a method to my madness.

Oleg, will you excuse us a second?

And maybe help Han with that box.

In those shorts, I can actually see a hernia happening.

I thought we weren't getting involved!

If we help Oleg out, he'll let us use the moving truck to pick up our heat lamps.

I already said "No" to those.

But we just talked about it!

I wasn't listening!

That baby fell face-down into mashed potatoes.

But you said "Yes" to the dinner party, so if you get your meat, I get my heat.

Just because you rhyme doesn't make it okay.

And I'm pretty sure that's what Rihanna said to Chris Brown.

Where are we meeting this chick with the heat lamps?

I haven't gone this far for something I didn't want since Planned Parenthood moved to New Jersey.

Hello!

I'm getting truck sick back here.

You're a worse driver than people assume I am.

Come on! Come on!

We're gonna be late to dinner!

Would any of you be interested in playing rock-paper-scissors for a seat up front?


both: No!

Girls, can I ask you a relationship question?


both: No!

And besides, what would we know about relationships?

That's like asking Donald Tr*mp for the name of a good hairstylist.

I mean, what's the deal with her?

She asks me to move in, and then won't even let me have my painting?

I mean, Sophie already bought the cow.

She might as well let the cow's crap in.

So you're saying I'm right.

No, no, but I do think...

No, you don't think, or your mouth wouldn't be moving right now.

I'm just saying, he has the right to move some of his stuff into Sophie's apartment and out of ours.

Speaking of his stuff, there's something in a box back here is humming, and... oh, it stopped.

[buzzing]

Oh, it started again.

That's my lifelike mouth with authentic jaw action.

Oleg, watch the road!

The last words I hear can't be "lifelike mouth."

Everything looks very nice, Sophie.

Yeah, see, I'm not gonna talk until the other guests arrive.

I got to save my hostess sparkle for the real guests.

Hey, baby.

Where the hell have you been?

That was a pretty loud sparkle.

It's my fault we're late, Sophie...

It's okay. Just sit down.

Don't you want to know what I was...

No, really.

I got a pot roast over here that's a hell of a lot more interesting.

Max, thank God you're here.

There was so much awkward silence, I pretended I got a phone call from a banana.

I'm gonna take a quick shower.

Oh, Oleg, Dinner is ready.

You don't have time to run down to the "Y" now.

No, I meant I would shower here.

Here... In my bathroom?

Uh... Yeah. I live here now.

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

Imagine that.

Hey, Oleg, why don't you just come over here and sit next to Earl?

Because he's old and I'm sure his smeller is sh*t.

Sophie, you really must write a "how to entertain" book.

Here we go: Grandma Chinkski's pot roast.

This looks amazing.

I love a root vegetable in the winter.

Can it ever just be about me?

♪ Beef, beef, beef ♪
♪ B-beef, b-beef, beef ♪

What? That's my beef song.

[glass clinking]

I'd like to make a toast to Sophie.

Oh, that's sweet.

But not with that glass.

That's Grandma Chinski's crystal.

Baby, I was in the middle of a toast.

Oh, I'm sorry, but... those are my favorite thing!

Grandma Chinski traded two of my slow cousins for those.

Well, you know, it's funny.

I have a favorite thing too.

In fact, why don't I just go and get it?

[gasps] I can't believe it.

I'm about to meet Lon Anderson!

Can someone help me lift up my fork?

My arms are still sore from the move.

Open up.

Someone else has to feed Han.

He just licked my pinky.

Earl, what are you doing over there?

Just hanging out with R&B sensation, Mary J.-juana.

Oh, good.

So you're in the right mind-set to hand-feed a 30-year-old man.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I think that's Polish for "No."

Uh-huh. Yes, Sophie.

It's my painting. Excuse me... our painting.

And it's going up on our wall.

Is it me, or is this party tense as hell?

I don't think Sophie and Oleg are gonna make it.

Uh-oh. Am I talking out loud right now?

I told you, I don't want that thing in here.

I don't understand. It's just a painting.

What's so bad about it?

Oh, my God.

Nice, huh?

I did it myself.

It's a paint-by-numbers.

You mean it's a Putin-by-numbers.

Why are his nipples so big?

They don't seem that big to me.

Oh, I am too high for this.

I'm not high enough.

In my culture, big nipples mean power and wealth.

In our culture, big nipples means, "Wears a t-shirt in the pool."

There.

I like it.

Adds a certain something to the room.

Every wall needs nipples.

So a guy knows where to look.

Thank you for telling me to do this, Caroline.

She did?

I'd get up and run, but my legs are like taffy.

Seriously, you told him to hang that thing up?

In fairness, I had not seen the painting when I suggested something like that.

I mean, I get it.

It's gorgeous.

But it doesn't go with the décor.

What?

Is it throwing off this gorgeous outdoor-indoor swing?

I'll cut you with the carving Kn*fe!

Nobody is cutting anyone.

Especially not me.

Do you never learn?

Just put some beef in your napkin like I did, and let's get out of here.

Sophie, you asked me to move in.

Guess what? I moved in.

Yes, I asked you to move in, but not with big weird-nipple Putin.

Well, how big are nipples supposed to be?

'Cause... never mind.

And what's your problem anyway?

I gave you a drawer.

This!

This is my drawer.

What good is this?

I can't even get one of my ball gags in there.

You asked for a drawer, I gave you a drawer!

And who needs 12 ball gags anyway?

Oh, so now you don't like ball gags?

Who are you, lady?

I'll tell you who I am... I'm the lady who's "Putin" this is the trash!

You trash that, I'll trash this.

Oh, no.

Oh, you think you're gonna break one of Grandma Chinski's glasses?

No, if anyone's gonna break one, it's gonna be me!

[glass shatters]

This reminds me of the first half of my second marriage, and the second half of my third marriage.

Sophie, I'm done.

And as you said to me on our first date, "I don't know how much more of this I can take."

Fun party.

Not awkward at all.

I should get going though.

Got to be up early for... what's a thing?

Church?

♪ Beef, beef, beef ♪
♪ B-beef, beef, beef, beef ♪

Sorry about that dinner party last night.

It kind of got away from me a little bit.

But I really appreciate you getting up early and helping me move Oleg's stuff back.

I just actually feel like this is a little bit my fault...

Seriously!

Can it ever just be about me?

Hey, um, where are we taking his stuff anyway?

I don't think Goodwill will take a love seat that's actually covered in love.

Well, I was thinking, you know, since Oleg and I really did have something special, I was thinking I would just take his stuff and dump it down by the river.

Okay, I'm just gonna say it...

Sophie, would it k*ll you to just let Oleg hang the damn painting?

[tires screeching]

[horns honking]

So what, you just park the truck in the middle of the Van Wyck Expressway?

Do you never learn?

I almost ate Rent-A-Truck floor mat.

Caroline, you get this straight...

Oleg was wrong.

And those nipples were way too big.

This is awkward.

You're in the truck?

No, you're in my apartment.

[tires screeching, thud]

I think something hit us.

You guys just need some couples therapy.

I'll mediate it, since I've had therapy myself.

Not as a couple, but hopefully someday.

I'm just sitting here waiting for the tow truck to come.

How's your neck, Max?

Not so bad.

The second car that hit us kind of knocked what the first car knocked out of place back in place.

I'll start.

This woman is a fraud and a liar.


Caroline: Okay, well, we need a little more Oprah, a little less Jerry Springer.

Hey, don't dis Springer.

They have great snacks in the green room.

You were on Jerry Springer?

Yeah, I was on "I hate my roommate and I don't know how to tell her."

Oleg and I are not gonna talk this thing out.

If you want to waste your time, go teach in an inner city high school.

You know what? Even better...

I'll do the talking for Oleg.

Oh, then, Max... you be me, okay, Max?

Oh... I don't know if...

Do you want the rest of the beef, or not?

This guy is a bum, and the painting has to go.

It's stupid.

Really, really good, Max, but next time just arch your back a little, and, yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, you be me.

No, I don't feel like getting a threatening erection right now.

But I will say, anytime people move in together, it's a compromise.

Look at Max... when I needed a place to stay, she let me have my horse.

Let me just say... and I brought this up on Springer...

I only let you in because of the horse.

And I finally stopped putting up a fight and let Max walk around naked.

When did that happen?

Tomorrow.

Oh, Oleg, I wouldn't want you to give up walking around naked.

I mean, as long as you don't sit down on anything white.

Makes sense.

Nobody likes a chocolate starfish on an ottoman.

Point, Sophie.

Ha! I'm winning, everybody!

Well, it's therapy.

There are no winners and losers.

Sounds like something a loser would say.

You know, Oleg, this isn't about that silly little painting.

It's just, uh, a lot of change in a short amount of time...

(whispers) I'm so scared.

Sophie, I don't care about my stuff, as long as I have you.

What did we just do?

We had them apart, and now we just put them back together.

You did that.

You don't know when to butt out.

Jerry's words.

[cash register bell dings]