02x03 - Briandipity

[bunniefuu]

Can't believe that dude is only 50.

He looked like he was 100.

Hard living, that's what that is.

We all need to drink more water.

Maybe he's one of those people who's always looked old, like Wilford Brimley.

And John Madden.

Morgan Freeman.

They say black don't cr*ck?

That brother came out of the womb cracked.

What about Angela Lansbury? She's been 80 for like 40 years.

Oh, then there's Michelle Pfeiffer.

She's been 40 for 50 years.

Michelle Pfeiffer, oh boy.

If she could just stay 40 for another 15 years?

Then what would you do, Brian?

Mmm, I'd treat her so good.

Oh...

[Laughs]

Top five people who d*ed during sex, go.

Nelson Rockefeller.

Oh, Richard Pryor's dad.

Matthew McConaughey's dad.

Oh ho.

Both their dads?

How did you guys know that?

We work in the death business.

God, think of all the street cred those chicks have.

Sex with them is so good, it'll k*ll you.

You know dudes be lining up like junkies for Mrs. McConaughey.

Why, so they can die during sex?

I mean, sure I'd get in that line, but just to meet the woman who gave us the star of such films as Fool's Gold, Wedding Planner, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, and Failure to Launch.

Those were literally his worst movies.

I actually saw that last one.

Really?

Yeah, it's got Terry Bradshaw in it.

I'll see anything with Bradshaw, he's like my favorite actor.

I love that dude... if I had to pick a bald guy over 60, I would definitely pick Patrick Stewart.

But I would let Bradshaw do a play-by-play.

Just, like, sit and watch and talk about it?

What?

Ambulance needed. North Avenue Beach.

Women's volleyball tournament. Player has lacerated foot.

I love volleyball.

You love volleyball?

Women's professional beach volleyball.

This is the AVP tournament. Oh, I want this call, Cassius.

Ambulance 14 responding.

Ambulance one also responding.

Oh, it's on.

Make it a bet.

Loser buys beers!

We're gonna win! Up the stakes!

We'll race for beers, whiskey, anything you got.

We'll race for pink slips.

Son, this ain't Fast and Furious.

You don't have a pink slip to bet.

Oh, we need gas.

We'll be fine.

It's just that you told me to tell you when we were pretty much out of gas, now we are completely out of gas.

We're gonna make it.

Nope, no, we're not.

It's my bad, I dropped the ball.

You didn't drop anything!

Nope.

Cut across the park!

Ugh!

Oh, get a load of this guy!

[70s music in earphones]

[All yelling for the man to move]

[Over loudspeaker] Out of the way, dipshit!

What'd I tell you, huh?

Okay, okay.

Don't worry about it.

You were right.

You work yourself up in a big lather over nothing.

[Engine sputtering] Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Please!

Oh boy.

We b*at 'em by a mile!

Nowhere to be found! Whoo hoo!

What if she needs to be transported to the hospital?

Got you covered. There's a Sonoco about four blocks up. You book it, Bri.

Oh, I'll be so fast!

I know you will.

Isn't there an Exxon right around the corner?

Yeah, but he's too hyper today.

Needs to burn off some energy. No candy!

Copy that!

All right.

Okay, what's the problem.

[70s music over headphones]

We really need you to move right now! Right now!

This is an ambulance behind you.

Oh, look at that little face!

Out of the way, Aladdin.

[Overlapping yelling]

No, oh no...

All: Oh!

sh*t!

[Hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

Yeah, I'm in the ambulance right now on the way to the hospital.

Totally, yeah, I'll be there later with Devon.

Already got 'em. Yeah, they were on sale.

40%! [Laughs]

For the love of God, will you please shut up!

Why am I getting so much hostility here?

[Siren wailing]

You know... you know who you sound like right now?

Your father. No, you know you do.

You know you do... you sound just like him, dead on.

We would have won if Aladdin didn't get in the way.

But he did, and you didn't!

And now we get free beer.

Yeah, take that!

Sorry, Voo. You know I love free stuff.

At first I was really pissed, but if you think about it, that dipshit actually saved our lives.

If he didn't get in the way, that other dipshit driving the crappy Sedan would've t-boned us.

It's kind of like serendipity.

Oh, best movie ever.

You guys have seen Serendipity, right?

None of you?

Well, you know I have.

I had to watch Serendipity and throw in a Never Been Kissed to get him to watch Faces of Death.

Everyone listen to me. Listen to me right now.

Are you listening to me?

Listening, Brian.

It opens with one little snowflake, falling in New York City, during Christmas shopping season.

Jonathan, played by the always-excellent John Cusack...

I don't have time for this sh*t.

Meets Sara, completely inhabited by an up-and-coming Kate Beckinsale. Now...

After a magical day in New York city, Jonathan suggests that they exchange numbers, which... Sara agrees.

And writes hers inside of a copy of Love in the Time of Cholera.

But! Instead of giving it to him, she puts it back on the shelf at the bookstore.

I can't believe I'm gonna do this, but I'm gonna ask a question.

Please don't do that.

Why would she do that? Just give him the number!

Why, indeed.

You're gonna make it longer.

To see if they were destined to be together.

Now then...

Oh, so she didn't really like this guy.

Well, hold on, because Sara has Jonathan write his number down on a $5 bill, which she gives away, right?

Why-why... why wouldn't he just write it on a $1 bill? $5 is a lot of money.

I agree. It's a slight flaw in the film.

Cut to several years later. In fact, the day before Jonathan is to be married to someone else.

Why are you doing this to us?

He takes a long walk around New York City.

He's not sure he's marrying the right woman.

That very night, he receives a gift, at his own wedding rehearsal, and guess what it is?

That's right, a copy of Love in the Time of Cholera.

[Whimpers]

Sorry. Please, continue.

He takes a deep breath. He opens it, and yes!

It's her number! At the same exact time Sara reaches in to her purse to pay for a drink and pulls out the $5 bill with Jonathan's number on it.

Destiny. They meet up again in central park and they kiss, just as that same little snowflake drifts gently down from heaven.

Naw, bullshit. That is bullshit.

No g*dd*mn way that's the same snowflake!

Respectfully, yes it was.

So wait, you think like five winters ago, a snowflake fell to the ground, and, like, melted, then evaporated and sh*t, went back up to the sky, then turned back into the same exact snowflake, flew back down to earth at, like, the exact moment that that dude kissed that chick?

Yes, I do.

And I believe you, bro.

[Giggles]

[Laughter]

What?

Sorry, Brian. It's sweet, it really is, but there's no such thing as serendipity or destiny.

What, you don't believe that is was serendipity that you met Johnny?

[Laughs] No.

Not really, I mean...

Obviously I love him, but it's not destiny that we met.

I think it was.

Bullshit.

I do.

I think we were destined.

Oh, that's so sweet.

It is sweet, 'cause I'm sweet. You know, I remember the first moment I saw her. I said to myself "oh, sh*t, I'm gonna fall in love with this girl."

What'd you think when you saw Johnny?

"Holy sh*t, this guy's gonna hit on me."

I went home with this Jewish guy a few weeks ago, and right before we are about to get busy he tells me I'm his "bashert."

That's the Hebrew word for "destiny."

Whoa, that's kind of intense. What do you even say to that?

I looked him deep in the eyes and I told him to buh-shut the hell up and buh-hit it from buh-hind.

[Laughter] I do not need to picture that.

I think it was serendipity that Maeve and I met.

I mean, think about it, T.

I was supposed to have a different partner, but then he got west Nile disease, which is sad because the dude hadn't even been to Egypt.

And then they gave me you, and I met your sister.

I actually dated my last partner's sister too, but I definitely do not think that was serendipity.

That girl was crazy, like bad crazy.

Not good crazy, like your sister, T.

Oh, man, Maeve lets me do some stuff to her, T.

That's too much.

Yeah, sometimes it is too much.

I think we're gonna need a safe word.

Billy.

No, I think "Billy" would be a very confusing safe word, T.

All I know is, you'll drive yourself crazy trying to find meaning in every Li event.

Cash is right. You'll find serendipity everywhere if you look hard enough.

And by "serendipity," I mean this drag queen I know.

Seriously, drive anywhere down Roscoe on a Saturday night, you can't miss her. She's like 6'7".

Oh, I know that girl!

She's always got such great shoes.

You should tell her that. She's actually weirdly insecure.

No, she's gorgeous.

Look, man, destiny, fate, all that stuff is just a way to make people feel like life makes sense.

So you really believe that life is just a random series of unconnected events that are ultimately meaningless?

[Over loudspeaker] Yes.

You guys hear me? Hello?

Do you think it's weird that Theresa doesn't think meeting me was destiny?

[Laughs]

Oh, sh*t, I knew this was happening.

What?

Not that I believe any of that crap, but...

I mean, shouldn't she?

Do you know what they call chicks who tell men that they're destined to be together the first time they meet?

Yeah, they call 'em psychopaths.

That's right, John. They call them psychopaths.

And "they" are not wrong.

It's just that I've never lived with anybody before, and it'd be nice if Theresa was just a little more...

Romantic about it.

Oh!

Oh, ho ho.

So just because you two moved in together, you want her to believe a bunch of prince charming, fairy dust, glass slipper bullshit you don't even believe?

Unless you actually, secretly do believe you're destined to be together and you were hurt, because she doesn't.

No.

Don't... don't fight it, John.

You could be so happy. Embrace it.

Mm-hmm.

It wants to be held.

Hilarious, you want everybody to think that you're a tough guy, but all you really WA are your fairy tales.

Ambulance needed, 739 east Adams.

Ambulance 14 responding. Ooh!

What if it's Rapunzel? You can wake her up with a kiss.

It's sleeping beauty you wake up with a kiss.

Rapunzel's the one in the tower with the hair.

Well, you'd know the difference.

T, T baby, I can't take all this traffic.

What traffic? 18th is wide open.

This traffic in my head, T. It's mental gridlock.

This serendipity stuff has got me thinking.

Oh, don't do that, sweetie.

It's like...

It's like everything that happens in life affects every other thing in life.

I mean, if we didn't make the light back there, where would we be right now?

At the light.

Maybe!

But you don't know that!

Well, yeah, actually I do.

Or... or you don't.

See? See?

Yeah, no, I don't see.

That's the thing, T. Nobody sees.

Oh, no. Oh no, I'm freaking out.

Oh, okay, deep breaths. Hey...

I'm freaking out, I gotta clear my head.

[Silently working his jaw]

Don't worry about it, it just opens up my head tunnels.

All: Oh!

Carl fainted. He hit the ground hard.

I'm really worried about him.

I think you might be in shock, sir.

Nah, I think it looks worse than it is.

Had some bad shellfish down in Florida once.

That hurt way worse. Carl!

These men are here to help you.

Sir, sir, I'm gonna need you to just stay still.

Sir, can you tell me what happened?

It was amazing. I'm down here laying Sheetrock.

I hear Tim from five stories up yell "hey Mike, watch out!"

So I look up and then, [Swish]

Six feet of rebar goes right through me.

And then, I'm like "holy sh*t! Tim, you see this?"

And then Carl runs over and he's all "see what?"

And then boom, Carl's out cold.

Sir, we're gonna have to take you to the hospital.

Mike, it's bad, it's really bad.

Are you kidding me? This is my lucky day!

The city owns this building. I'm getting paid!

Carl, we're all going down to the islands, we're opening up a bar.

Hey, you hear that, Timmy?

Call it the rebar.

Bingo! This guy drinks for free.

Okay, we're gonna...

Mike, we're gonna get you on the rig.

Be still.

Real slow.

[All talking at once]

No, no, no. No, no, no.

[Muttering] Nuh-nuh-oh...

He fainted again. He fainted... he fainted again.

A lot of money, you know? Serious payday, hey!

Stroke! Stroke!

[Laughing] I'm just having fun.

Hey guys, I don't have insurance, but the city's picking up the bill, along with all the other bills for the rest of my life!

[Laughs] Hey, what's the food sitch here?

Oh, you're gonna get food.

Wow, this is a big hospital!

Could I get a map for when I wake up?

Clear the halls! Clear the halls Feeling better, bud?

Mm-hmm, oh yeah, just needed my medicine. Mira, muchacho.

[Speaking Spanish]

Es una... Holy sh*t.

T! T, check it out, Rinoceronte.

[Gasps] Oh.

He missed his court date last week.

I am gonna enjoy cuffing that son of a bitch!

Oh, my God, if we hadn't stopped to get my icy gulp, we never would have seen him.

Yeah, or we would have seen him and his big nose eating that burrito through the car window.

Nah, I don't think so, T. Weather conditions, low visibility, we ain't got no sunglasses...

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

This is seren... yo.

Come on, man... Mira.

[Speaking Spanish]

You can have one sip. Un sip... no, not...

Not with me standing right here, bro!

You're never gonna finish that burrito!

[Mouth full] Yes, I am!

They got really good burritos there, t!

We gotta go back sometime.

Okay!

Cheer up, Al, at least you still got your balls!

Frank.

Hey, pal!

What are you doing here?

Oh, well, I'm basically here all the time, Dad. What are you doing here?

Visiting a buddy of mine. Got the ass cancer.

Hey, how old are you, kid?

33.

No sh*t?

Yep.

Well, okay.

Seven years, you start having your ass checked.

Check this sh*t out, guys.

Hey, Auggie, what's up?

This son of a bitch is so lucky, I'm surprised we didn't find a horseshoe up his ass.

It hit nothing!

Nothing.

Jesus.

That's so cool.

Here, keep it.

Show it to your friends. Pull it out at parties.

Did you guys see that dude with the rebar?

Yeah, we brought him in.

No way!

We got the X-ray right here.

Holy sh*t!

Do you think you could get him to sign it for me?

Hey guys, you're not gonna believe what's happened.

[All saying they know about the rebar guy]

Okay, I'm not talking about the X-ray.

That driver y'all brought in?

The one who clipped the roller skater?

They found a massive tumor on his spine during the MRI.

Whoa.

Get out.

It would have spread if they didn't catch it.

So that crash saved his life.

Reckless dickhead.

Wait, so you guys were saved by the roller skater, the driver was saved by the crash.

That's two serendipities in one event.

Something is going on here.

Plus, we had the rebar man, and then I happened to show up.

Oh, we are in a serendipity vortex.

I don't know what that is, but we are in a major hot streak!

That's exactly what a serendipity vortex is.

We gotta find a way to parlay this!

I would just like to go on record as saying that I think this is all bullshit. But I also think we should go buy lottery tickets immediately.

We got seven minutes to make it to Powerball.

There's a liquor store on Ogden and Roosevelt.

Let's go!

Holy sh*t, we're gonna win this thing.

Stat!

How good is that burrito, Billy?

Oh, it's so good.

Mm-hmm.

Come on, dawg.

Come on, dawg!

You know how good they are.

You sure you don't want to taste it?

No, I trust you.

Yo, I'm only gonna eat up to about an inch away from your bite mark.

Then you're gonna give me the rest?

Hell no, then I'm gonna throw it out, bitch.

[Both chuckling]

Yo... I really don't know why I was freaking out so much about serendipity.

Serendipity's absolutely fantastic.

Led us to this dude we've been after, and I got free food.

Hey, Hector, why'd you skip out on your court date?

Met a girl, yo.

Yeah, but you got yourself another three months mandatory, dude.

That's nothing, mama.

She's my destiny. Three months?

[Scoffs] I'm talking about eternity.

Mira, here. Here she is, Mira, check it.

Oh, man, she's really pretty, bro.

Uch. Why are men such saps?

Oh I can't speak for every men, though I have given this a lot of thought, as society's afforded me the opportunity on several occasions, and this is what I decided.

There's so many beautiful women in this world that when a man commits to one, it is necessary for him to believe that he found his destiny.

Otherwise, he would be powerless in the face of so many, many vaginas.

Damn. You heard that, T?

Yeah. Actually kinda makes sense.

Mm-hmm.

All right, Billy.

Go on.

What?

Give him a bite of the burrito.

[Both silently mouthing words]

Come on.

No.

One... two...

Here, man.

That's weird.

Vortex!

I'm telling you, if we win this thing, I'm banning the word "vortex."

Let me pick the numbers.

There's no time.

Quick pick that sh*t.

May we have seven Powerball tickets, please?

No.

What?

What?

It's after 6:00. Can't sell tickets after 6:00.

It's 6:02, we're only two minutes late.

And we are in a vortex, sir!

Two minutes, oh, is two minutes.

How can you even trust that time?

Is it set to the atomic clock?

Yes, the vice president calls me everyning, and we coordinate our clocks.

Come on, sir, cut us some slack!

No can do.

You're gonna do it, cupcake.

You're gonna get on your little machine, you're gonna do your little typey typey, and you're gonna spit out our winning tickets, or you're not gonna see 6:03!

Fine. Fine.

Yeah, good.

That's right.

Here are seven tickets for next week's Powerball.

You son of a bitch! I'll k*ll you.

Hey! It's Morgan Davies.

Oh, that's that chick we helped, turn this up.

No, can't. Store policy.

Give me that!

God, she's beautiful.

I know.

But we really never would have won if it wasn't for those EMTs who stitched me up this morning. My foot's feeling great, guys, so thanks for that, and I'll take you out to dinner.

Oh!

That's right, see?

Hey guys, you know what this means?

Means that we're still hot!

Give us all your scratchers, you smug little cock-knocker!

Now!

Hey.

Hey.

So.

Hmm.

I've been giving this a lot of thought...

Hey, before you say anything, would you take some of these?

My dad went nuts today.

Yeah.

I know how hard the idea of a lifelong commitment can be, and if you need to believe there is something bigger out there that somehow predetermines that we are meant to be together, then I'm not gonna make fun of you, okay?

I actually think it's kind of sweet.

Listen, okay, you don't have to for my sake...

No, I do, and just because I don't believe in fate, doesn't mean I don't trust my instincts.

I know that you are the right guy for me.

Holy sh*t!

250 bucks!

We won?

Tell me that's not serenpidity!

No, but...

I mean, who cares, right?

Let's just go to a fancy restaurant and eat all the food!

Yeah, oh, no.

You're not a believer.

I'll take Hank.

Hey! Hey, hey, hey.

You give me back that scratcher, mister.

No, no, no, no, Hank and I are gonna go to Gibson's.

No!

Yes!

I'll bring back leftovers!

Seriously?

Yes, of course!

The portions there are huge, I can't possibly finish all that.

Listen, I won't be late.

Really?

I'll text you when I'm...

I'm kidding! Come on, we're going!