02x04 - Transcendual

[bunniefuu]

If you were a superhero and you could pick your superpower, would you rather be able to turn yourself invisible or fly?

Fly.

You're not even gonna give that any thought?

Oh, I've given it a lot of thought.

I think it would be super cool to pick up and fly.

Come on, whenever, wherever.

You realize if you were invisible, you could see anyone you wanted naked.

You realize that if I could fly I could see anyone I wanted naked.

Hey, how you doing? First time here?

What's your sign? I can fly.

Oh, you're dating Derek Jeter?

That's sweet. I can fly.

Okay, good point. Point taken.

Chicago north, ambulance needed.

939 west north.

Ambulance 14 responding.

[Siren wails]

Don't get me wrong, I would love to fly, but I think I would have to go with invisibility.

Mostly for its crime-fighting possibilities.

Sounds kind of sneaky to me.

Yeah, very sneaky.

Sneaky, that's good.

That's why I'd be invisible too.

Yeah.

I'd fly.

[Hip-hop music]

Where's our customer?

He's on the third floor near the weight machines.

I'll meet you up there.

Oh.

What's going on?

Wait, what's...

It's just a routine check.

Nothing to worry about.

Hey... half price wheatgrass sh*ts right now at the juice bar, huh?

Third floor? How big is this place?

Considering the whole first floor was a juice bar?

I scoped this place out when I was looking for a gym.

It is crazy expensive.

I wouldn't pay that much for rent.

And I know what you're gonna say.

"Brian, you don't pay rent; You still live with your parents.

Do you even know how much rents are going for these days?"

And to you, I would say, "if rent is anywhere near what it costs to go to this gym, no, thank you, rent."

My gym is the cheapest gym in the city.

It's great, and it's always open.

Well, sometimes they close it for quinceañeras on the weekend.

Sometimes it just mysteriously shuts down for days at a time, but it always comes back.

This is the most hot women I've ever seen in Chicago, period, let alone in one place.

There are women here?

'Cause all I see are beautiful, beautiful men.

This is the first time I ever wanted to do that thing they do in cartoons where they rub their eyes and open them again just to make sure what they're looking at is really happening.

Oh, screw it. I'm gonna do it anyway.

[Babbles, then laughs]

This is real, Hank.

It's real.

This is real.

Mm-hmm, it's happening.

Guys!

Huh?

Over here.

Right.

[Groans]

It's this assh*le's fault.

Machine isn't calibrated.

Sir, if you could just keep your voice down...

I will not keep it down!

With the prices I pay, I expect proper calibration!

This is not properly calibrated.

Okay, guys, we're looking at a third-degree groin tear, possibly.

Mm-hmm.

You better lawyer up, 'cause I'm coming for you.

You are gonna pay. [Groans]

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Cold, cold.

Ahh. Give it a minute.

Give it a minute. Give it a minute.

[Hisses]

What's your name? What's your name?

Lance.

Really, Lance?

Lance. Yeah, why?

You just don't look like a Lance.

Never would've guessed.

What are Lances supposed to look like?

Lance Armstrong, Lance Bass, Lance Burton.

Who?

Magician, he retired in 2010 at his absolute prime.

Anyways, it just seems that all Lances share a certain, I don't know, aerodynamic body type.

You're saying I'm not aerodynamic enough to be a Lance?

It's not a bad thing.

You'd smoke those guys in upper body strength.

Yeah, I would.

Especially Armstrong. Bicycle bitch.

Uh, but, Lance, I'm noticing that you've got this leg press awfully fully loaded.

Yeah, so?

I can handle it.

Really?

When the machine is calibrated right.

Really?

That's a lot of weights.

I know, but I like to push myself.

That's how you get strong.

You know, Lance, sometimes the strongest thing a man can do is admit when he's carrying too much weight.

Sometimes I do push myself too hard, I guess.

That's the amazing thing about the human body, Lance.

It'll let you know when you need to slow down.

You just got to listen to it, am I right?

I've just been running too hard for too long, man.

Yeah, yeah, it's okay. Right, guys?

Uh-huh.

[Mouths words]

Unlimited passes to the sexiest gym on the planet.

Brian, you're the freaking man.

You're the champ.

Can I sit shotgun tomorrow?

No.

You know, that gym is gonna be my new home away from home.

We were there for, what, like, ten minutes, and I saw side boob, top boob, and if I'm not mistaken, a little under-boob.

And I got to say, that's a special treat.

Did you notice that?

I did not notice that.

But did anyone else happen to clock all the d'Angelo Vs just walking around?

What are d'Angelo Vs?

You know, when the dude's got abs so ripped, they get that V-shape right here.

First time I saw it was in a d'Angelo music video from, like, 15 years ago.

He was all naked and alone in the dark, sweating, for some reason spinning.

And he had those abs so ripped, looked like a sexy G.I. Joe.

Don't want to talk about that.

Well, I don't want to talk about under-boob.

I don't care for it.

What about asses?

Well, I love asses.

Everyone loves asses.

You're right. Everyone loves asses.

We can all agree on asses.

Asses are the sexual town square.

Asses unite us.

♪ We got free passes to check out some fine asses ♪
♪ Gonna get my opera glasses to look at all them butts ♪

Them what?

Butts.

Mm.

Butts.

Mm.

Butt-butt-butt-butt-butts.

Ah!

[Chuckles]

You guys, I didn't notice any butts.

Huh?

Not one.

You're gonna tell me you didn't check out one girl on that call?

No. Whoa.

You guys, I think all this not having sex with Voo might have done something to me.

What, you think that dating an asexual made you butt-blind?

I don't know, but something's definitely different.

You can't change your sexuality.

How do you know, Hank?

Just let it... just...

I don't know if it's that I've changed my sexuality, more like transcended it.

Yeah, I think that's it.

I am a transcendual.

Okay, what exactly does that mean?

Means that, well, I was born sexual like you guys, and then I just... I sort of...

That makes sense.

So you... and you just... see?

He came up here, like, above us.

Yeah, above us.

And I got to tell you guys, I'm excited.

Back when I was sexual, it was hard to even get through a magazine.

Our culture is just constantly assaulting us with attractive people.

Yeah.

Thanks, culture. Mm.

Some of these girls aren't even wearing thongs or anything, I'm telling you.

Oh, shh, shh.

Hey.

What up, guys?

What's up, y'all?

Oh, Brian is a transcendual.

Oh, that's dope.

I didn't know that about you.

What?

Are you gonna change your name?

Oh, no, he didn't say transsexual.

He said transcendual.

Hmm.

I don't know what that is, but that's cool too, man.

I got mad respect for self-identification.

What are you guys doing here?

A witness interview for a hit-and-run.

What are you guys up to?

We got free lifetime passes to the big gym in Lincoln park.

The fancy gym?

Yeah.

No way!

Michelle Obama goes to that gym.

Mm-hmm, her body is ♪ fine ♪

I have been wanting to go there forever, but it's just so g*dd*mn expensive, so...

I know. It sucks.

And obviously I'd love to work out with my beautiful girlfriend next to me the whole time, but we only got these three passes, and like you said, it's crazy expensive.

So it's just one of those things, I guess.

Tough break.

She can have mine.

Hmm?

Yeah, I mean, I don't need it anymore now that I'm transcendual and I don't see hotness.

Do you mind explaining this whole transcendual thing?

Yo, T, don't ask too many questions.

You may say something offensive or stupid.

Whatever. Uh, fancy gym...

Let's go tonight after work, huh?

Great.

Great.

Okay, well, we have to go.

But thank you, Brian.

Brian...

I support you.

Thank you, buddy. That means everything.

Yeah, you're everything.

Solving problems.

So close.

Just saw it and just smashed it.

Just smashed it.

Did you hear anything I said up there?

Oh, what a day. We're off to a good start.

We're off to a shitty start.

Here we go.

He's hopping.

You know how you said we could never really be boyfriend-girlfriend because you're asexual and I'm not, and it wouldn't work out in the long term because eventually one or both of us would get hurt?

Yeah, I remember having that conversation several hundred times.

Well, I have some pretty big news.

I have transcended my sexuality.

Okay.

So you think that you are never gonna want to have sex again?

Yep.

That it's not something you're ever gonna be thinking about?

Correct.

Great.

Strip club.

We're going to the strip club. Who's in?

Can't, banned. Citywide.

Also in Skokie.

Do not ask.

Girlfriend.

Gay.

Lame.

Cash?

No, thank you.

Strip clubs are for young men who lack imagination.

My age, I can rub up against a cool breeze and get excited.

The cr*ck of dawn turns me on, baby.

[Laughs]

Or sometimes just a perfectly ripe tomato will do the trick.

Now the whole world is my strip club.

Don't look at me. I hate strip clubs.

Oh, I hear that. They bum me out.

All them single moms dancing to feed their kids.

Every time I've gone, I end up dropping more bills in G-strings than the straight men.

I'd put school supplies in there too if there was room.

No, it's not that they bum me out.

Ah, it's just... well, I'm kind of a stripper magnet.

Explain.

In detail.

I wish I could.

There is just something about me that makes strippers want to start unloading their problems.

And trust me, these girls have problems.

So it's not all glitter and glamour like you think.

Looks like it's just you and me, kid.

Can't believe Theresa's coming.

This was gonna be our special place.

It's perfect.

I know.

It's like a gay bar and a straight bar rolled into one, except everybody's wearing tighter clothes and less of them.

Take all the fun out of it.

Now I got to worry about all these shallow scumbags checking out my girl... Oh, my God.

Check out pink shorts.

That is a rock-solid ten.

Maybe she's a ten on the street, but in here, that girl's a seven at best.

What?

If that's a seven, show me a dime.

That angel right over there doing leg lifts.

Lifting my spirits.

He's a ten.

That guy?

I mean, his body, sure, but his face is kind of jowly is all I'm saying.

He has a face?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Purple top.

Her boobs are, um, I'm gonna use the word buoyant.

Ooh, nice word choice.

Thank you. You like it?

Yes.

Want to hear another one?

Please.

Black shorts, black top.

Her ass?

Hit me.

Tidy.

[Laughs]

Ooh, what about her ass?

Okay, well, her...

Do you know Latin? 'Cause...

Hey, guys.

Whoa, hey, Theresa.

Hey.

What's going on?

Here she is.

Now the fun can start.

Yeah.

You look so pretty today. So pretty.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah.

Way to stroll, guys.

[Laughs] Yeah.

Come on! [Laughs]

Oh, my God, look at the girl in the purple top.

What? Where?

The one with the perky boobs.

Check out her triceps.

I could do a hundred dips a day and never have triceps like that.

You've got amazing triceps.

Doesn't she, Hank?

Uhhuh.

And her ass. [Whistles]

She must do squats in her sleep.

She's gorgeous.

No one's hotter than you, baby.

Stop complimenting me.

It's weird.

Oh, excuse me.

I just remembered there's a steam room that I'm hoping involves some very clear steam.

Hey.

What?

Check out that girl.

She's cut.

There are no women like that at the cop gym.

It's inspiring.

Makes me want to up my workout game, you know?

I'm gonna come here every night.

Oh, cool.

That's so cool.

What about that book club...

Honey, who do you think has better muscle tone?

Yellow sneakers or side braid?

I'm sure I have no idea.

Oh, you can't see those girls either?

I don't come to the gym to check out women.

Neither do I.

Doesn't hurt to look while I'm here.

You don't check out the guys?

No, that's what I go to whole foods for.

What?

Come on, yellow sneakers, side braid, go.

I'm not answering this.

You are really taking the fun out of fancy gym, you know that?

Wh...

It's yellow sneakers, by the way.

[R&b music]

♪ ♪

How is this even legal?

They're not even topless, Brian.

Not that. $10 for a water.

$3 for a lemon slice.

This is... [scoffs] This is robbery.

Excuse me, we need a stripper over here.

Oh, and sure, they give you free peanuts because they want you to buy the water.

I know what they're doing.

I'm not gonna let them win.

My friend here will have one lap dance, please.

Awesome.

What's your name?

Brian.

Excuse me, miss, but I just have to ask.

How much is a burger here?

I don't know.

I don't eat here.

She wants you to put money in there.

Oh, yeah. I only have a 20.

Do you happen to have any change or...

I'm dancing pretty hard for you here.

I could really use some encouragement.

Okay.

All right. Uh...

What the hell, man?

Okay, forget him.

New plan. Do me.

Mm.

Oh, yeah.

How about this, Brian? Huh?

A little girl-on-girl action?

Is this doing anything for you?

Oh, excuse me, miss, but is her dance gonna be extra?

Yeah. Two lap dances, two people.

That's 80 bucks. 80 doll... [Coughs]

Hey, this guy needs a water.

[Coughing] No, no, no!

I'm fine.

Okay.

No water. [Coughs]

I mean, that girl has the best thighs I've seen since Serena Williams.

Powerful but lean. What do you think?

I think she has nice thighs.

I bet she even has a nice brain.

Oh, please.

I'm sorry, I'm not talking about another woman's thighs with my girlfriend... It's weird.

Oh, right, but it would be less weird if you came to the gym and checked out girls with Hank?

Yeah, honestly, it would be.

There are certain things you just don't talk about with the person you're in a relationship with.

Oh, come on.

I'm sorry. It's a slippery slope.

I certainly don't want to know what you think about other guys.

That is because you feel threatened.

[Laughs] Yeah, and that's normal.

How come you don't feel threatened about me looking at other women?

'Cause at the end of the day, I know you're coming home with me.

Tell me that girl doesn't have amazing abs.

Slippery slope, baby.

It's a slippery slope.

We have to leave.

We have to leave right now.

Why?

I was in the steam room, and it was great at first.

I was checking out all the hot guys.

All the hot guys were checking out all the other hot guys.

And then I noticed no one was checking out me.

No one has checked me out since I stepped foot in this gym, Johnny.

On the streets of Chicago, I'm a tall, handsome drink of water.

In here, I'm just tall.

I am sure someone has checked you out.

I don't know.

I'm sure we have all been checked out.

I don't know. Look around.

This place is a total meat market.

And we just vegetables.

I always get checked out at the cop gym, by men and women.

Yeah, that's the cop gym.

Look around. This is a whole other level.

What is the matter with you two?

Why can't you just enjoy the view?

Why do you have to know that you're on the menu?

Because the gym is where I go to, to feel good about myself.

Right, it's a whole boost.

You want to feel good about yourself, go to Navy Pier or the zoo.

It's a bunch of fat people eating funnel cakes.

Not for nothing, even straight girls check me out at the gym sometimes.

You know what?

It's because John and I have been together the whole time.

Okay.

Oh.

Am I bringing down your average?

Give me some space, babe. God.

Go, soar.

Oh, off the shoulder, okay.

Oh, yeah. There she goes.

Oh.

She moved down.

Oh, she's mooning the guy next to her.

She's backing the moon into his face.

Okay, just...

Oh, is that a yawn?

Ooh.

He looked at her ass and yawned.

Oh, girl, you know that hurt.

Oh, she's not giving up, though, is she?

Ooh, girl.

Oh, I think she might have pulled something there.

She's gonna go for the dual cable cross.

That's right. Shake it off, girl.

Shake it off. You can do it. Yeah.

This is a classically sexy machine.

Dude... oh, here comes a guy... And nothing.

Oh.

Swing and a miss.

Hey, sweetie, let's go, honey.

Give me a second!

Nope, sweetie.

Let's go.

No, just give me a minute.

Just let her work through it. I'll buy you a sh*t.

One of those wheatgrass things?

Hell, no. Tequila, it's a bar next door.

Oh, maybe that can be our special place.

Yeah, yeah, let's do it.

Let's go. Yes.

Screw fancy gym.

Ahh.

Nothing tastes as good as free.

Do you realize that our whole meal is half the price of one stripper water with lemon?

Cool.

What's wrong, V.D.?

Brian, I told you, that is a terrible nickname.

Sorry, Voo-Voo.

You do know that Voodoo is already a nickname, right?

I thought you'd be happier.

Now that I've proven that I'm not sexual anymore, we can officially be boyfriend-girlfriend.

Brian, you didn't prove anything.

I didn't get turned on at the strip club.

'Cause you're cheap, not 'cause you're asexual.

Transcendual.

This sucks.

I like you a lot.

And you clearly like me enough to believe that you could actually change something very major about yourself for me.

I know that you don't believe me, but I think I really did change.

Okay, I didn't want to do this.

And know that this means absolutely nothing for me, But...

How you feeling over there?

Feeling pretty transcendual.

What's your phone number?

Um, 312-4...

No.

6... you know, this really isn't fair because cellular technology has made remembering phone numbers a skill of the past.

This mean that we're breaking up?

It means we're not going down the road where we break up eventually.

So we can't hang out and talk anymore?

We can still hang out and talk.

But we can't go to movies together anymore?

I mean, I still like movies.

But we can't not have sex after the movie anymore?

We will still not be having sex.

So what, I'm just supposed to be your friend and do all the things that we love to do together?

Instead of being celibate with you, I'm just supposed to go off and have sex with other women?

Yeah, that's the basic summary.

Oh.

Here's the check.

And a two-for-one coupon for the coffees.

I'm not supposed to give them out, but I just can't stand to see anybody miss out on a bargain.

Thank you. I'm the same way.

Just, um, don't tell my boss.

Sorry.

Don't be, she's cute.

You should go ask for her number.

Really?

Yeah.

And she seems like a cheap date.

I just feel really weird, Voo.

I'll just go pay.

And maybe I will thank her for the coupon if that is okay.

Yeah, of course. Go.

Hey, thank you so much for this.

[Indistinct chatter]

20 should do it. Thank you so much.

Oh, it is nice to be tens again.

Maybe a ten out in the regular world.

Here we are solid 12s.

Mm.

Let's take a lap.

Yeah.

[Sighs]

Johnny's missing out.

I can't believe he's still going to that superficial gym.

[Laughs] I know.

I'm so glad that we gave our passes away.

Should we get a funnel cake?

I think we earned it.

One. Two.

Well, I can definitely see hotness again.

Welcome back, Brian. Sorry about Voodoo, though.

I think it'll be a while before I'm ready to love again, but I am ready to look again.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Lance, what are you doing here?

You have a severe groin tear.

You should not be working out.

People have been telling me "no" my whole life.

It fuels me. I thrive on it.

And it shows, man.

You swoll as sh*t.

Dang. Your traps are crazy, bro.

They look like waterslides down to your shoulders.

Yo, how you fit into your shirts, bro?

I've got a tailor, this old Hungarian dude.

Used to fit Frank Thomas.

The Big Hurt?

Yo, drop me his card, bro.

You guys gonna be working out here?

Lifetime passes.

All right.

Let me know if you need a spot.

[Grunting] Oh, ow, ah. Lance?

No, Lance, be careful, please.

Yo, check out that girl right there.

Oh, the one in the sweatpants?

Oh, yeah, man.

I just want to take that girl to the farmers market and pick out produce.

Yeah, I can see that.

She has that look like she knows exactly what's in season.

Oh, man, I can totally see myself walking back from the market with that girl, holding hands, bunches of kale sticking out of our reusable bags.

Then you get home, and she makes you a little hot cocoa.

Oh, she makes such good cocoa.

Yeah, and then it's snowing outside.

It's a little chilly.

Yeah. Oh. Brr!

You start snuggling on the couch, and then you just bang her brains out, bro.

Marshmallows everywhere, dude.

[Sighs]

Are we gonna do anything besides the treadmill?

No, man. I tried the weight machines.

That sh*t ain't calibrated right.

Steam room?

Steam room.

[Machines beep]

Nice, 2.4.

Hey, girl.

What's up, bro?