There we go. Let's see.
Good?
Perfect. Okay.
Great. All right.
There's a burger with your name on it.
Happy Fourth of July.
This is great.
It's great.
[Crunching]
[Coughing]
Ah, we're sorry.
W-what happened?
What's the problem?
[Rough sawing]
I think you guys are out of napkins.
No napkins?
I'm so sorry.
What's wrong with you?
Wipe off this burger with your fa...
They don't need napkins. This is the USA!
They do need--No!
USA!
No! No! No!
USA!
N-n-n-n-no-no-no!
Dave. Hey!
No-no-no-no-no-no.
Hey! Wake up!
You're having a nightmare.
It was the worst.
What?
It was a barbecue and everything was falling apart and people didn't want their food and they were sending it back and everything was cold.
[Sighs]
What day is it?
July fourth.
[Sighs]
It's okay, though.
It's not okay.
Dave, this year, we got Gerty, The Grill Guru.
We're gonna be fine. We got all the right decorations.
Yeah.
You have the right meats.
Yeah.
You have the right vegetarian options.
We have all the right drinks.
Yeah.
All the right ice cubes.
Yeah.
The right mustard.
I can't wait for you to see the shorts I'm gonna wear today.
We're supposed to go to Corrine and Lance's barbecue today.
Oh, I want to go to that.
I also want to go by Lana's and just say hi.
I think Chris is doing a barbecue with chicken or something we're supposed to try out.
Yes, and we should go to Brian and Morgan's 'cause they have a really good view of the fireworks.
And Maria's doing hers, and we definitely have to stop by that one.
And Jamie's.
Aren't Dave and Dave having a barbecue?
Jeff and Joni.
Who?
The Duggans.
I don't know them.
How about Dr. Number One?
Huge barbecue.
And Laurence.
And the Petro triplets.
Havels. Where?
The Jeanings. Joey.
Ping pong. The Haydens?
The Hughes.
We got to go to their barbecue.
And the Hydens.
Jay-Jay's.
What time?
Um, The Muchachos-- we got to go to that one.
They're having un barbecue-cita.
Oh, yeah, and Cliff's.
Should we just skip the whole Fourth of July?
Fred, we can't do that. It's depressing.
I'll just stay home with my dog, and I'll be asleep before the fireworks start.
We have to go out; all we have to do is stick to a plan.
Be disciplined.
Okay, it's in your hands.
'Cause, you know...
It will be fun.
We can go to all the barbecues.
[Militaristic drum b*at]
♪ ♪
[Horn blasts]
Sam, July Fourth is upon us.
Tonight, we shall celebrate with a dazzling display of sky pyrotechnics, fireworks.
[Washed Out's Feel It ll Around playing]
Okay, here we have a variety of different, uh, Fourth of July barbecue themes. Americana.
Red, white, and blue kind of stuff?
Right, like a-- blueberries and raspberries on the cake, and we approximate the look of an American flag.
Well, you know, we love red, white, and blue, but I feel like we've been to that barbecue.
Been there, done that. Have you done this?
It's a Luau. That's a roasted pig.
Seems violent.
And indeed, there is an element of v*olence of taking a spear and putting it through the mouth of a pig.
At the barbecue.
At the barbecue.
The pig is trained to jump towards you to its death.
So then it's self defense, really.
Yeah. So we'll say Luau, maybe.
I think we want to make a statement.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
I want to do-- is just-- just the other side of impossible.
Oh, I think I have just the thing, and it's called The Shitty Punk Barbecue.
Huh.
Now, punks traditionally gather in backyards that are mostly concrete or spots of lawn that have never been mowed.
Reggae music is coming out from the house in a half-broken speaker, and the house has one bathroom.
Toilet's usually clogged.
Wow.
I like the sound of that. I mean...
And everybody brings random assortments of vegan hot dogs and veggie burgers that are frozen.
Yeah.
Great.
So I was thinking our version of that could be a fennel-frisee-almond vegan hot dog.
What do you think of that?
This screams, to me, "Authentic."
Yeah.
So I say yes.
It's an entire experience you'd be signing up for.
You know, everything's "[Quack] --you, [Quack] --you," and you better not have thin skin.
Kath, [Quack] --you.
Wow. Very good.
Hey, [Quack] --off.
Whoa.
[Quack] --you back.
And [Quack] --myself.
[Laughs]
And what's the style?
Is it spiky hair?
Spiky hair, blue hair, a lot of studs.
Well, we have one stud.
We have one stud right here.
That's right.
Where?
Dave.
Oh, yes, of course.
Dave.
I'm a cute guy sometimes.
[Keyboard clicking]
Sam, parade?
Check.
Bunting? Tiny flags everywhere?
Check.
Fireworks?
Sam, this is where you're supposed to say "Check."
I'm still waiting to hear back from my guy.
Are you sure he's gonna call?
Any minute now.
[Phone rings]
Hello.
Oh, that's too bad.
Bye.
What do you mean, "That's too bad"?
Hey, look, I don't know what to tell you boys.
I'm up shits creek here.
My entire stash has been confiscated, incinerated.
They took everything?
Everything.
Not the smiley face?
How about the one that goes...
[Whistles]
Boom!
No, they didn't get those.
What part of "My entire stash confiscated" don't you understand?
Oh.
Hey, look, and I got 90 days before I'm even gonna be able to start putting something together.
That's not even gonna help us.
We need those fireworks, and we need 'em now.
We need 'em today. We got to get 'em.
Who's your connection?
Maybe we can deal directly with them.
[Laughs]
You boys ever heard of the deep web?
The deep web? Is that like a fishing... underwater...
No, sir, the deep web was developed by the government so that spies could talk to each other, and now, it's just a hangout for the criminal underworld, a digital black market.
So you think they might have fireworks?
I know they got fireworks.
They got g*ns, they got hookers--
Whoa-oh-oh-oh, okay.
You name it, they got it.
That's good. Okay. Good, good, good, good.
Is there, like, a monthly fee? Do you...
So what you're gonna need to do is download the latest Tor client software.
Well, you know how to do that. Right, Sam?
Sure.
Great.
Log in.
It'll pretty much direct you from there.
All right, well, let's get the bloodhounds on and go.
Skids, you've been very helpful.
Happy Fourth to you.
Sam.
Left and left and...
Good luck to you boys.
Left and left and...
We should get some wine before we go to Jenna's.
That's not a bad idea.
Yeah, maybe we can stop at the store.
Okay.
You know, we actually have to go.
You want to leave?
Yeah.
We've been here, like, 15 minutes.
I know, but we have to stick to the schedule.
Okay, then I'll just say bye to Corrine.
Okay. Hurry up, though.
Okay.
Hey, I think we're gonna take off.
It was great, though. It was so good to see you.
Delicious. I didn't even get to see-- Hey!
What's up, man?
Are we maybe doing something next week?
In Mexico, they sort of give you a bow good-bye.
[Laughs] No, I'm just kidding around.
What do they do? I think a salute.
You should just be really-- yeah.
All right. I'm gonna take off. Bye. See you later.
Hey, I'm taking off. Good to see you guys.
You're at the grown-ups' barbecue, huh?
You got some Swedish fish there?
You know, if you go to Sweden, that's what the fish are like.
They're candy. You have to reach in.
That's what you eat.
Hey, how's school going? Good?
Yeah. School's tough, man.
You got to be tough, though, you know.
[Grunting]
No, I'm just kidding around.
Is that alcohol?
This is the police.
You're not old enough to drink alcohol.
Seriously, man.
And you have to wait an even longer time than that.
Yeah.
Anyway, I go now!
[In a robotic voice] It's time for the computer to go away from the house.
I'll see you guys later. All right. Bye.
Hey, I'm leaving, actually.
I didn't get to say good-bye to you, but bye, and good to see you.
Someone told me about a bit that you did that was so funny.
You were, like, mouthing off to someone and didn't know what you were saying.
It sounded so funny.
Hey.
Yes.
I just was coming over here 'cause you're taking so long saying good-bye.
Oh, I was just saying good-bye to Josh.
I know, but you said good-bye to everyone.
You don't need to do that.
Well, I just feel bad.
I don't want to seem unappreciative.
This is what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna send a text to Corrine and Lance that says, "Hey, thanks for the barbecue."
Okay.
Just-- All right.
I'll see you soon.
Josh, great to see you.
Hey, Josh, you should--
We're-- we're gonna go.
But maybe I'll see you at this other thing.
Our next project is very fun.
This is the fruit faux-hawk that we'll be creating with some cubed fruit, and I understand you have some knives.
Yes. So you just grab whatever?
Okay. Whatever-- okay.
Which one do you want?
The-- How about the butcher Kn*fe in the center?
Okay.
Well, that's not the butcher Kn*fe, but that'll do.
Handle first.
Handle first?
Handle first. No. No-no-no-no-no-no. Handle first.
No-- I-- No-no-no-no. Now you're just stabbing it.
Okay, well, hey, that's one way to skin a cat.
Let's do a nice little slice, and then we'll cube them so they'll look like that.
Dave.
Dave, careful.
Okay, I just put it--
No, no, no. Dave, Dave.
Will you grab the styrofoam head, Dave, over there?
We're cre-- No, no. That. The styrofoam.
Let's put it right here.
[Foam squeaking]
Definitely.
That is pretty punk.
Well, you two are in very good shape, I have great faith in you, you're gonna have a lot of fun, I will see you at the party, and until then, [Quack] --you.
[Quack] --you!
[Laughing]
Let's go do it. Come on.
Man, this deep web has everything.
g*ns, dr*gs, expl*sives.
Okay. Here we go.
[Computer beeps]
Sam, it's not working.
It's not letting me in. We need tech support.
Yeah, we're behind a firewall.
Go up to your menu bar.
Menu bar...
Check out your network preferences.
Run down to cookies.
Cookies...
Disable.
Disabled. All right. It's working.
[Gasps] Jan!
Good reflexes. I'm just kidding.
[Sighs] Sir.
Okay, we're in.
"Want firepower that will destroy?"
Huh. Yeah!
We are interested in your merchandise ASAP, exclamation point.
[Computer beeps]
He's responding.
Mr. "bah-cone."
His name is Mr. Bacon.
"I have everything you need.
Do you like juice?"
I gue-- Yes, I do.
What's your location?
We are coming right now.
We got the address.
Sam, Fourth of July is saved!
Let's go.
All right, you ready to go?
What? We just got here.
I just want to hang out and say hi to everybody.
We have a lot of barbecues to go to.
I'm gonna say bye to just a couple people down there.
No, you know what we're gonna do for this one?
French exit.
What's that?
We leave without saying good-bye.
I can't pull that off.
People are gonna think that I snubbed them.
If I wait here for you to say good-bye to everyone, that's 30 more minutes.
Just for me, come on.
I guess we'll just--
Yeah, and then we go.
I really want to wave, at least.
No, no, no. Please don't wave.
Let's go.
Oh, hey, you guys.
Hey.
Hey. How's it going?
I'll be right back.
Oh, you're not leaving, are you?
Oh, well, the party's back here.
Hi, hi. Hello.
Hey.
Hey, pretty cool. A French exit.
Wait, wait. Hold on, hold on.
What?
I'm sorry. I'm shaking right now.
I have to go back and say good-bye.
It's a party. You drift in, you drift out.
Can we go back and say good-bye?
Fred, I want to leave, and you're sitting around and, like, stressing out and saying good-bye to everyone in this really compulsive, OCD way.
It's not OCD, it's just sort of politeness.
I was raised to be polite.
You're actually being rude to me by being so polite to everyone else.
Come inside and we'll say good-bye.
No, I'm going to the next party, okay?
I'm sorry.
You really gonna go?
Yeah.
Anyway, it was good hanging out with you...
No. No. Do not talk to me.
And I'm saying good-bye.
Nope.
[Engine turns over]
Good-bye.
[Rock music]
♪ ♪
Hey, Kath, how you doing on veggie burgers?
Okay, it's just-- it's not the easiest-- Damn it!
You dropped one of the--
Yeah, I know.
Oh, guests are here. Right on.
Got to get the front of house.
Hi. Welcome. Here you go.
Here's a little beer for you. There you go.
Okay, take this one, please. Hold on.
Hey, I want to thank everybody for coming, and also, [Quack] --you!
Okay, I'm taking some burger orders.
Who wants a veggie burger?
Guys want some veggie burgers?
One order for you? Okay, great. Be right back.
Okay, I got one order for one veggie burger and another order for a double veggie burger.
Here.
Okay, so that's one, and then one double.
Fine. They're not cooked.
Give me the double stack.
You just dropped that one.
Yeah, I know.
Great. Coming right up!
All right. I'll see you in a bit.
Is that a no on that? What's wrong?
That's a no on the double, and the cheese-- they said this looks like black cheese.
Why are you acting like a waiter right now?
Because I'm trying to serve all these people.
These are our friends.
Tell them to just drink beer.
Everyone, just drink beer!
Dave, I don't know what to do.
This woman-- she just left us in the lurch!
I mean, look at this, Dave. This isn't food.
This is just some mess.
Well, calm down, okay? We've got to get through it.
Let's just get through the day.
Okay. Okay.
All right?
Hi, Kath and Dave.
Hi.
This is Andy.
He's your guest judge for this challenge.
He's a local aficionado of The Shitty Punk Barbecue.
Look forward to mowing down on your grub.
I didn't know there was gonna be a judge.
[Laughs]
We're gonna join the party.
[Dramatic music]
[Suspenseful music]
♪ ♪
Hi, there! We're here to see Mr. Bacon.
Great.
♪ ♪
Nicely done, Mr. Bacon.
You're-- you're quite a good player.
Well, hello, there.
Hello, there, Mr. Bacon.
Can I help you with something?
We're really sorry to interrupt your tennis match, but thank you for agreeing to see us.
We have an appointment? Are you supposed to be here?
I'm sorry I didn't introduce myself properly.
You might know me as "Mayor 9000."
Oh.
We spoke online. We chatted online.
I know who you are.
You want toys.
Yes.
These are the deep web guys.
Did you offer them something to drink?
That's quite all right.
No, it's not all right. Do you like yuice?
I'm sorry-- Do I like what?
Yuice.
I'm not sure what that is.
Well, grapefruit yuice, or orange...
Oh! I'm sorry. No. That's quite all right.
We weren't expecting any juice.
Oh, well there are things that you want, apparently.
We're looking to make a big bang.
Like, bam! Bam! Bam!
Well, this is a little on the serious side, don't you think, Mr. Mayor?
I mean, I don't know if you could play with toys like this.
How complicated can it be?
You light a fuse, you run away.
What's the target, Mr. Mayor?
Downtown Portland.
Oh, you're sick.
[Chuckles] Actually, we're pretty healthy.
[Laughing]
You like your yuice?
Oh, the juice is fantastic.
It's nice and sweet.
It's a really good batch, don't you think?
You could've offered it to them.
Wow, this one is beautiful.
You know, I'm looking for one that's gonna go up into the sky and it's gonna explode and it's gonna come down in just a halo of sparkles.
[Makes expl*si*n sound]
You're really gonna do it, aren't you?
We don't want to disappoint.
Two Boy Scouts just digging in to Christmas morning-- I love it.
I'll be your Santa Claus if you want, and I'll be every g*dd*mn elf you want.
Is this the one that puts up the smiley face?
Oh, I'll have a smiley face, and so will you.
Okay. Dave, I think this is the one.
I don't know how it tastes, I don't know if it's cooked correctly.
I think it's the best one I've done, but I have no idea.
It looks great.
I hope so, Dave.
Okay. [Quack] --you.
Hey, [Quack] --you, too.
I hope this food gets here soon.
I'm starting to get drunk.
Look. Nobody's happy.
Everybody is pissed off.
Hey, what you got there?
Hey, Dave.
Enjoy. From the chef.
Thanks.
Great. Thank you.
No buns?
No buns.
It's awful.
Look at this. This isn't even cooked.
It is burnt, but it's cold.
Yeah.
Look, there's a little bit of the wrapper.
That reminds me of the burger my buddy Hawk makes.
Yeah?
Yeah, it just smells like plastic.
Hmm.
Look, I don't blame anybody for not eating this crap.
I think we've made our decision then.
I think we have. Shall we deliver it?
Yeah.
Let's do it.
Kath.
Dave.
Andy and I have experienced your punk barbecue.
We ate the food, we drank the stale beer, we talked to all of your angry friends, and congratulations on some Shitty Punk Barbecue.
[Quack] --you. Are you serious?
[Quack] --you. I'm serious.
Very-- very shitty punk rock.
Yeah.
It was authentic?
Very authentic.
From the charred synthetic meats to the barking dog to the toddler running around with the poo-ey diaper.
Congratulations.
Burgers were cold, food was late.
That's the way it is.
I just want you to know we put a lot of hate into it, a lot of anger into each burger.
I could taste it with every bite.
And people were milling around, they were angry.
And they'll probably never come back to your house again.
Mission accomplished.
[Quack] --you guys.
[Quack] --you guys.
And I'll [Quack] --you back.
[Quack] --you!
[Quack] --you, too! [Quack] --everybody!
[Ominous music]
You know, Mr. Bacon, we were thinking of setting our display to music, and I wondered if you had any suggestions.
You know, in Sarajevo, we kind of do everything to classical music, so you know...
[Humming classical tune]
♪ da-da-da-da, da-da, da, da-da, da ♪
Boom!
♪ da-na-na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na ♪
[Makes expl*si*n sound]
So I'm actually leaving.
Taking off, so...
Okay.
Thank you and bye and off to space!
What?
[Phone chimes]
What?
[All singing a tune]
Keeszh!
♪ da-de-da-da-du-du-da ♪
Up. Ooh!
So she already came and went, huh?
She moves fast. Bye.
Hey, April.
Carrie isn't still here, is she?
Seen Carrie, have you?
[Dramatic music]
♪ ♪
Kayssh!
Carrie still here?
♪ ♪
You see Carrie?
♪ ♪
[expl*si*n]
Carrie!
Carrie, hold on!
I can't-- I can't hold on.
You have to.
I can't, Fred.
Hold on tight.
Fred, just let me go.
Just let me go.
What?
This is it, Fred.
This is good-bye.
No.
There are certain times when you don't say good-bye.
You taught me that.
I'm not a good-bye guy anymore.
Our friendship is way more important than casual acquaintances I only know from parties.
I'm done saying good-bye.
Now, on the count of three, you're coming up here, all right?
Okay.
One!
Two! Three!
[Cries out]
[People cheer]
You did it!
We made it to all the Fourth-of-July parties!
We did it!
Now let's do a French exit.
Okay.
Here we go.
[People cheer]
[Indistinct chatter]
Where are you guys going?
[Sighs]
We pulled off a punk barbecue.
Yeah, that was authentic.
If I had known about a music that could cater to my volume and my attitude about life, I would've had a whole different adulthood.
Well, it's not too late.
Yeah.
This could be a mosh pit right here.
[Punk music]
[Sighs]
Oh, man.
Got me tuckered out.
I'm tuckered out. It's tiring being a punk.
Bedtime?
Bedtime.
Bedtime.
Yeah!
I love you. Good job today.
I love you.
Bing! Bing!
Hi, Bing!
I'm the Mayor 9000.
We chatted over the deep web.
We got your fireworks.
You know, to be honest, they're a little... more powerful than we needed, but I'm sure they're gonna be perfect for you.
Uh... what are you celebrating, if you don't mind my asking?
Where are you-- where are you pointing that g*n?
Does it seem like a good place to point it?
Like-- I'm just asking.
So, inside here, you want to point that g*n.
I mean, you think there's a revolution in here or something?
Who trained you?