01x13 - Mexican Mona Lisa

[bunniefuu]

[Elevator bell dings]

Ooh, Maddie, which is better? [Clears throat] Do you have an appointment? Mr. Culpepper doesn't take walk-ins. Or... [Sassy voice] Do you have an appointment? 'Cause Mr. Culpepper does not take walk-ins, okay?

I gotta say, Cris, they sound like the same words.

[Elevator bell dings]

Hey, hey! There she is.

Temporary assistant to El Jefe.

Pretty amazing, huh?

Yeah. You're handling it so well.

I know. Wait. What?

Oh. Uh, you're just... you know, you're so positive about everything, even a demotion.

A demotion? Uh, da-da-da-da.

No.

Paid position. Unpaid intern.

Mr. Culpepper could've picked anyone.

He picked me.

Yeah, there's that can-do attitude, even in the face of bad news.

It's not bad news.

I do good here, I've got an inside track to associate.

No. You've got an inside track to permanent assistant.

Okay? You should've said "no."

When powerful people see you in a certain way, they don't change their minds.

That's not true.

I was good at the drive-thru window and then they put me in charge of...

The dining room.

Not sure I would put that restaurant manager in the category of "powerful people."

Uh, he was manager at a fish restaurant.

That's pretty much king of the sea.

[Bell dings]

Good morning.

Oh! Sir!

I've got your coffee, your newspaper, and your morning sudoku puzzle.

Oh, looks like a tough one. I would put a 9 right there.

Well... Don't overstep.

But... 9 looks right. Yeah.

Need to give you the bat phone.

Ah, bat phone! [Laughs]

Hey, Batman, this is commissioner Gordon.

The riddler's escaped.

Maybe we should call it something else.

Ah! Star trek communicator?

[Imitates William shatner] The aliens are slowly approaching.

Bat phone it is. [Sighs]

Now that thing rings, no matter what time it is or where you are, you pick it up.

Oh. Sounds like an important job.

Sure is.

[Bell dings] Oh, they've, uh, come up with some kind of indestructible golf tees.

Get me a box of those, will you?

Yes. On it.

Now, everybody, listen up.

While I'm in the cattleman's association banquet in Houston, Cristela is my eyes and ears.

She's in charge.

Of everything, sir, or just the golf tees?

[Bell dings]

Nobody likes a smart-ass.

♪

So Malcolm took my pencil box, and when I grabbed it back, miss Allen was looking, and she gave us both yellow cards for the day.

Well, Henry, you need to talk to the teacher and explain what happened.

Or wait for Malcolm outside of school.

And handle it yourself.

That's right.

Ama, I'm the mom. I'll take care of it.

I'm just saying that in my village, being a tattletale is how people disappear.

Well, I think we need to focus on the important part of dinner, which is your grandma's amazing mole.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, and how peaceful it is with no... [Spanish accent] Cristela.

Hey, guys! Sorry I'm late.

[Forces chuckle] So good to see you.

Okay, I'm gonna go ahead and finish this in the living room.

Oh, good. Ama made mole.

I don't know what the secret ingredient is, but...

I know it's not love.

Hey, congratulations, Cris.

Your aunt got a promotion.

Ha. Don't get too excited.

Remember, it's just for the week.

Oh. So what will you be doing now?

Oh. Important assisting stuff, like, um...

Opening the paper to the word puzzles and getting new golf tees...

It's all very complicated.

It doesn't sound complicated.

It sounds like what you did as an intern.

Ah, but I'm getting paid.

Cris, will you still be able to take ama to her doctor's appointment tomorrow?

Ohh. 'Fraid not.

I've gotta take Mr. Culpepper's car to get washed.

He's convinced if I take it there, I'll get a family discount.

I'll skip my appointment.

Every time I go to the doctor, they find something wrong.

Because there usually is.

When was the last time you checked your blood pressure, ama?

Oh, last month at the free machines in the pharmacy.

I won. I got the high score.

They can't refill your prescription if you don't go.

You know my rule.

I only go to the doctor when there are three things wrong.

That way, it's worth it.

I hate that rule.

Remember in seventh grade when I broke my toe?

I had to wait till I had strep throat and poison oak.

My blood pressure and my headaches are only two things.

You're getting headaches?

Haven't you noticed I have been less fun?

Yeah, since 1986.

It's still only two things wrong.

If you need a third, I'll go find some poison oak.

Fine. I'll go.

You need to keep track of that blood pressure.

You're no spring chicken, ama.

Why do people say that?

Do you know how long a spring chicken lives?

One summer.

Then you snap his neck, pull out his guts, toss him in the oven.

Mmm!

And he is delicious.

I'm not hungry anymore.

Got the golf tees.

Looks like someone's teed up for a promotion.

Yeah, maybe you'll skip associate and go straight to partner.

Uh-huh. Okay.

Wait, wait. What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just writing a note to tell Mr. Culpepper that you were late today.

But I wasn't.

Who's he gonna believe, the person in charge or the unpaid intern?

[Giggles]

[Western ringtone playing, vibrating]

Yes?

Okay.

No problem.

On it.

Bye, commissioner Gordon. [Laughs]

Right. I'll never call you that again.

So? What did he say?

Uh... He forgot the boots that the cattlemen's association gave him at last year's dinner, and he needs them by Friday.

This sounds like a job for bootman and Robin.

Hey.

Hey.

[Keys clatter]

Oh, I need to give you a message.

Ay, Felix, we've been through this.

It's pronounced massage.

No, the doctor's office called for your mom.

She needs to call 'em back.

W-what did they say?

"Can you please have Natalia call us back?"

No, were they concerned? How did they sound?

Like they want her to call back.

Cris, something's wrong with ama.

[Scoffs] You're just figuring that out?

Felix, tell her.

It has to do with her doctor's appointment.

The massage was "please have Natalia call us back."

Daniela, mom's unbreakable.

I stepped on hundreds of cracks, and her back is completely straight.

Daniela, she'll call back tomorrow.

I'm sure it's nothing to be worried about.

Cris, we can relax! Felix says everything's gonna be okay.

Daniela, mom's fine. She's been taking her walks.

She walks... around the corner, and she stands right there, folding her arms and judging the neighbors.

She calls it her cross-training.

Ay, dios mio.

What if this is it?

"It"? Well, what is "it"?

What, you think your mom's dying?

[Gasps] Why would you say that?!

Why would you put that thought in our heads?!

Why did I answer the phone?

Ama, you're home!

[Door closes] How was the doctor's?

It was terrible, and not in a good way.

What happened?

The doctor got mad when I told him, "you have some nerve calling this a gown. It's paper! For the prices you're charging, I expected a wedding dress."

You feel bad for her? I feel bad for the doctor.

[Spanish accent] "The only time poor people can vacation is when they die."

[Normal voice] You know who said that?

Mom.

Mom.

And always with that crooked mouth thing she calls a smile.

She's like a Mexican Mona Lisa.

Maybe we should do something for her.

We didn't do anything last time.

When she got sick, I dropped out of law school to take care of her.

Well, I'm doing something now, starting with making her a cup of tea.

That makes up for me putting my dreams on hold.

[Western ringtone playing, vibrating]

It's Mr. Culpepper. I have to take this.

I remember when I put work before family.

Ama, I made you some tea.

[Cell phone beeps]

Hello? Are you okay?

Is there an emergency?

Yeah.

What channel's ESPN on here?

There's usually a card on... on the nightstand.

Oh. Hey! Yeah, found it.

So, uh, how are my boots coming?

On it. I-I just stopped at home for a quick bite.

Quick bite? Sounds good.

How do I get room service up here?

Well, I have to hang up so that you can call.

Well, can't I just tell you what I want?

It's not how it works.

Good night, sir.

Wait. Where did I...

Seriously, ama, is there anything else you wanna tell us about today?

This tea tastes terrible.

No, I-I mean, is there anything...

Bad you wanna tell us?

[Sighs deeply]

Okay. But it's really bad.

[Sighs]

Juanita Canales is having an affair.

Don't tell anybody. It is a secret.

Now I have some phone calls to make.

Ohh. Look at her.

She is clearly hiding something.

Not about Juanita Canales.

She's telling the whole choir right now.

Cris, I don't care if you think this is nothing.

I wanna do something for her.

Oh, that tea wasn't enough?

Stop it.

Oh, you're just overreacting because you think you didn't do enough last time she was sick.

Hey, I had just gotten a promotion and I had two small children to take care of.

So now you're feeling guilty.

So guilty.

Look, we don't know what's going on, and I'm not gonna worry until I have to.

[Exhales deeply] I just wanna show her how much I appreciate her, you know?

There's so much she hasn't experienced.

Like joy?

Yeah.

It'll be fun.

You know, she's never ice-skated.

She's never climbed a mountain.

Or gone to a movie or eaten barbecue potato chips.

Let's start small.

Okay.

I'll make a special night of it, just for ama.

Ooh, it'll be great. We can invite all her friends.

Ay, Daniela, we're already here.

There she is... top law student, but more importantly, the boot wrangler.

Okay, I get it.

This might not be the fast track to associate.

Obviously there's no way for me to get the boots to Houston by Friday night.

Hey. That doesn't sound like you at all.

You're usually the most upbeat person I know.

My sister's driving me crazy.

My mom is as healthy as your imaginary horse.

And every time she has a doctor's visit, she thinks it's going to be her last.

Yeah, well, when they get to a certain age, it does cross your mind.

Like, uh, like Mr. Culpepper.

Of course, if he dies tonight, he won't be buried with his boots on.

Natalia: Got it.

Wait. Wait!

Um...

Here.

Ay.

Uh, what am I supposed to do with it now?

It's Sushi. You're supposed to eat it.

Well, they obviously forgot to cook it.

You're supposed to eat it raw.

Ooh. But if I serve the chicken this way, you get mad.

[Exhales deeply]

I'm trying to be nice.

It doesn't sound nice.

Eat it!

Oh!

[Sighs deeply]

Mmm.

It is good.

So... Did you call the doctor's office back today?

[Gasps]

That's what I was supposed to do.

Ay, how can you forget?

I have no more memory.

Ay! That's my third thing!

Hey. What's going on?

We're having mom's special night.

Sushi and "steel magnolias."

Sounds wonderful...

And so not like mom.

Wait.

When was the last time you saw "steel magnolias"?

Oh, I've never seen it.

So you don't know how it ends?

Heartwarming, I'm sure. Is there a problem?

No, no. It's... it's heartwarming. Ooh.

And heart-stopping.

Good. And mom loves Julia Roberts.

Ah, no, you love Julia Roberts.

Mom loves Jackie chan.

Oh!

"The tuxedo"!

It was so funny!

[Laughs]

I like him because he has an accent, just like me.

[Singsongy] It's time for our movie!

Oh, man. This is gonna be great.

What is this movie about?

Well, it's about a group of women who live life and love each other through the good times and the bad.

Ah. I do not like the science fiction.

See?

This is nice, right?

♪

Ay!

What is wrong with Julia Roberts?

[Inhales deeply]

[Stifles laugh] She is very, very sick.

But she is a steel magnolia.

I know she will pull through.

Oh!

If she had Jackie Chan's tuxedo, she might pull through.

[Whispers] She dies.

[Movie stops]

[Laughing]

I can't believe you let me show ma that movie.

What? I don't have a problem with it. I think she's fine.

Ay, what are you two muttering about?

Uh, dessert! We have a surprise for you.

Kids! Felix!

Time for the cake thing!

That was a short movie.

Kids, where's the cake?

Most of it's in the kitchen.

And it is awesome.

Could someone tell me what's going on here?

Look...

We all know about the doctor, ama.

You do?

Yes. And...

We just wanted to show you how much we care.

Why start now?

Can... can we just not make such a big deal out of it?

It's a huge deal.

How is me lying about going to the doctor such a huge deal?

What?!

What?!

I didn't go.

They called because I didn't go.

Oh, I swear that was not part of the massage.

Okay, uh, kids, who's in the mood for, um...

Not being in this room anymore?

You lied to us!

I was worried sick that you were dying.

Oh, is that what you want? For me to die?

[Scoffs] Why would we want you to die?

You tell me.

You... Tell... Me.

Ama, I don't wanna lose you.

Don't worry about me. I am not worth it.

Why do you think we would put up with someone that treats us like you do if you weren't worth it?

I just wanted to show you how much I love you.

You don't show someone you love them by giving them movies and raw fish.

No, you show people that you love them by yelling at them and pointing out their every flaw!

Yes! So that they can correct it and become better people!

Fine! You're a stubborn old woman...

[Gasps] Who's too afraid to go the doctor!

Why are you yelling? You weren't even worried!

Yes, I was! I was hiding it!

No one worries more about ama than I do!

Oh! So now it's a contest?!

You made tea. I quit school. I win!

You stop yelling at your sister!

I yell at her because I love her!

That's what we do, right?!

Well, I love you, too!

Good!

Well, I love both of you!

And I'm going to my room now because all of this love is giving me another headache!

No, you're not! You are going to stay here, and we're going to watch this pretty woman die!

[Movie resumes]

Oh!

Pos, I'm sorry I ruined your evening...

By not dying.

♪

You haven't gone to the doctor yet, so there's still hope for all of us.

♪

Oh, you found them?

Not quite.

I made them.

Was not expecting that answer.

Just gotta get these to the airport and I've pulled it off...

As long as Mr. Culpepper puts them on in the dark.

[Western ringtone playing, vibrating]

Howdy, sir.

I just shipped the boots.

Uh, I'm driving away from the airport.

Well, that's interesting, because I was calling to tell you that I found them in my luggage and I got 'em on my feet.

Cristela, what did you ship?

Boots I customized myself.

You do leatherwork?

No, not very well.

Cristela, you went above and beyond.

Now let's be honest.

Jan's not gonna be with us forever.

Or even a month.

I am offering you her position with full benefits.

What do you say?

Well, I'm... I'm honored, sir, but...

I signed on here to become a lawyer.

Right answer.

You're too good to be anybody's assistant.

Put Josh on the phone.

Josh.

[Lowered voice] It's for you.