04x05 - The Urge to Save Humanity is Almost Always a False Front for the Urge to Rule

[bunniefuu]

Ooh. Stop it! Stop it!

Okay, let's rally.

Previously, on House of Lies:

Who's the best engineer that's ever worked here?

Maya Lindholm. Boom. There it is.

Marty: "Gage Cofounders Reunite in Historic Partnership."

Doug: Now we just have to get them to officially come to terms.

I have an idea for an app. It's basically Uber, but with doctors. With doctors.

Kind of brilliant, Kelse.

What if I came on board?

Oh...

I made a solemn vow, like, six months ago not to date any assholes for a year, so... mark your calendar.

Marty: With this Gage account coming in, all this attention, we're gonna be f*cking huge.

When are you gonna r*pe and pillage my company?

I think I'm gonna stick to raping and pillaging you.

♪ ♪
♪ Up in San Francisco ♪
♪ Where the forest meets the bridge ♪
♪ I thought I saw you standing there ♪
♪ And then you fell ♪
♪ Into the well ♪
♪ But that was many years ago ♪
♪ I am so much older now ♪
♪ My brother is a soldier now ♪
♪ I can't see... ♪

Marty: Kiddies.

I want you all to be sure to thank Auntie Denna for sponsoring our table today.

Others: Thank you, Auntie Denna.

That was a little creepy, but you're welcome.

Hey, uh, any chance of Auntie Denna bidding on that Aspen ski trip in the silent auction for destitute little Dougie?

No. That's too far. I get it. I'm sorry.

You know, we should be holding a fundraiser for us.

(chuckles) No. We'll be fine.

As soon as this merger goes through, we will be back to buying our own caviar in support of starving children everywhere.

I'm eating for two now, assh*le.

Two what?

Hey, Marty, you made it.

And you brought Denna Altshuler.

Wow, I am impressed.

Any chance you'll be donating some of last year's crude oil earnings to the kids?

Ah, gosh, kind of got that money earmarked for this giant blood diamond that caught my eye, but... we'll see.

(laughs) Jeannie, wow, you are absolutely glowing.

I'm a bloated sack of meat stuffed into a cocktail dress, but thank you.

Child: Mom!

(laughs) You know, I envy you.

Becoming a mother for the very first time.

Wow, your heart is just about to open right up.

It-it makes you selfless in the most... beautiful ways you never dreamed possible.

Child: Num num! Hey, sweetheart!

All righty!

Whee!

Good job! There you go. Ew.

Some num nums.

That's nice. Yeah, it is.

Speaking of selfless, where the f*ck is Ellis?

I thought I made it clear I expected his support today.

Oh, you did, you did, and, uh, I assure you Ellis is fully supportive.

Well, Ellis saying he supports me is one thing, but actually showing up is quite another. Hey, Jeannie, can you...

Yeah, I'm gonna make a phone call right now.

Jeannie: Uh, excuse me.

I hope nothing bad happened to him.

(Maya laughs)

Trust me, it hasn't.

Oh, I'm sure he's on the way.

Awesome. And if things don't work out with Ellis, maybe you can find me another one of your prison buddies to partner with.

Okay, Maya.

Wow.

Earth Mother's got fangs.

Nice tits, though.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was just thinking that.

No way around that.

Hey, Ellis, it's Jeannie again.

Please give me a call when you get this.

It's very important. Thanks.

Bye.

Anything?

Let me call from your phone.

I guess I did slap him around pretty good.

(scoffs) You think?

Yeah, I, uh, meant to mention that to you.

You do understand that's not an acceptable parenting technique, right?

Didn't you hear Maya?

My heart is about to open right up.

Plop.

Yeah.

(line ringing)

Ellis: Marty, you need to call off your dogs.

Ellis, it's the dog.

Listen, we're all at Maya's charity event.

Yeah, I'm not coming to that.

Kind of swamped with work.

Well, we talked about this.

Maya really wants you here.

And I want to be able to run my company without her interference, but that's not happening.

I'm letting her come back, so I think I've done enough.

If anything, she's the one who should be bending over backwards to support my charities.

You don't have any charities.

That's because philanthropy is bullshit.

Ever heard of H.L. Mencken?

He said, "The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule."

Ok... oh, listen, Ellis, that's not anything...

No, you listen! I've done enough Maya ass-kissing for one lifetime.

If anyone's ass here deserves to be kissed, it's mine.

Not her ass.

My ass. Mine! (snapping fingers)

You know what, your ass is not gonna be kissed, Ellis.

It's not. Do you know why?

Because there is a crisis of confidence at Gage.

Maya is the solution.

Do you have any idea what would happen if she decides not to go through with this merger?

Your stock prices will plummet, your board will revolt, and you will be voted out of your own company.

Because, as much as your fragile f*cking ego hates to admit it, you've never been more successful than when the two of you have worked together.

So, please, stop being a p*ssy, and put the bullshit of the past behind you, and just get here.

(mouthing)

And I promise I won't hit you again.

I'd like to talk to Marty, please.

Subtle.

(chuckling): Hey, hey, buddy.

Marty, what the f*ck?

Okay, listen, listen.

That was Jeannie with the bad news.

Now, are you ready for the good news?

Because it is very good.

We are on the verge of getting everything that you want.

Everything that you deserve.

We just need to keep Maya happy until those merger papers are signed.

So please, just get down here.

Shake some hands.

Make a big, fat contribution.

And, you know, just do what you do best.

Impress the hell out of everybody.

I'll be there in 20.

Oh, he's-he's coming.

Okay.

Let's just stay positive.

Oh, positive? He's coming!

He's coming! He's coming!

How much more positive can that get?

So I'm gonna start saying numbers, and you tell me when to stop, all right?

Clyde, I stopped breast-feeding at an appropriate age, so let's drop it.

Of course, of course, of course.

One? Two?

I'm not engaging in this conversation.

Three? (chuckles)

Four? Doug, were you four?

I'm not...

I'm not engaging.

Five?!

Were you breast-feeding at five years old? Oh, my God.

Of course I wasn't breast-feeding at five.

That's insane. Of course.

So it was four.

Oh, my God! I'm not engaging in this conversation.

I told you that. That is so old.

That's ridiculous.

Hey, sorry I'm late.

Flight was delayed. What'd I miss?

Bully just tricked the gullible one into admitting he breast-fed till he was four.

I'm Kelsey.

Denna.

That's a Chanel dress you're wearing.

Least it used to be.

Okay. Why would you spend thousands on a dress just to cut holes in it?

I didn't spend thousands. My mother did.

Ah.

This dress really cost thousands?

f*ck.

So, Denna...

Okay, Marty.

Oh, my God. - You're probably wondering what Kelsey is doing here.

Well, as you know, we're exploring the possibility of a telecommunications venture...

Kelsey's here to help us secure seed money for our start-up. Okay?

Why do you two idiots keep bringing this sh*t up?

I'm not bringing it up.

I could give a f*ck. Get out of here.

I got to talk to Denna privately. Go away.

Okay.

Put that to bed. Make it faster.

You're not doing it fast enough.

Sure. Sure.

Go away.

(clears throat)

Okay, I found out something very interesting on this consult.

Maya has given partial ownership of her company to the grad students that work for her.

Aw, that's super sweet, and profoundly stupid.

So stupid.

Whoa.

And I may need to leverage that stupidity to help this merger go through.

So, big oil magnates in the Bay Area.

You got anybody like that in your Rolodex?

Yeah, Cal Manchester.

Cal f*cking Manchester?

Do you think Cal would be interested in coming on down here to help these starving kids?

Depends on what's in it for him.

How about a major setback in the mass production of Maya's electric car?

Yeah, I think he'd like that.

Well, then, uh...

(imitates dialing)

Okay. That was a phone sound.

I know. Shh, shh, shh. That was... Yeah.

I will start us off, get them hot with some earning projections, carried interest payouts, then you, Kelsey, you finish them off with a little technical jargon happy ending.

Gross.

(muttering): Who d*ed and made you Marty?

I'm sorry, Douglas.

Hmm?

Do you have something to say?

Or do you want to stick with the passive-aggressive mumbling?

Well, I was just wondering if you've even considered any alternatives.

Oh, my God, like what?

Have you pitch?

Well, I mean, some people find your presentation style a little aggressive and off-putting.

There, I said it. f*ck you.

Oh, of course. How foolish of me to worry.

"Of course. How foolish of me to worry."

Hey, I have a lot riding on this, Clyde.

You know I'm having money issues.

Holy sh*t. Hmm?

That's Danny Buckingham.

Clyde: Who's Danny Buckingham?

"Who's Danny Buckingham?"

Creator of easyasbuck.com.

It's this Web site that provides HTML tutorials for tweens. It sold for, like, $65 million. One of you should go talk to him.

I will go talk to him, and do you know why?

Because, out of the three of us, you're the most childish?

(mock laughing)

No. Because I can relate to him in a way that you never could. One child prodigy to another.

Oh. Excuse me.

God. Except you were never a child prodigy.

He was never a child prodigy.

That's okay. That's not really Danny Buckingham.

Ah...

Hey. Mr. Buckingham, hi.

My name is Doug Guggenheim, and I would like to tell you about a mobile app that's going to revolutionize the medical industry.

So, cool if I chill with you for a sec?

Okay, terrific.

Hey, hey. There he is.

The bigger man.

The f*ck is this?

What?

What is this?

That's a bid sheet.

It's a clipboard.

Because nothing says we're at the forefront of cutting-edge innovation like a f*cking clipboard.

Maybe don't worry so much about the clipboard.

Yeah, it's just a clipboard, Ellis.

Yeah, it makes us look antiquated by association, but that's fine.

Perception's not really important in our world.

One Child, One Spirit.

One gag reflex.

You hear what I said, Marty? One gag reflex.

One gag...That's very funny. Very funny.

Yeah.

All right, let's get this over with. Where's Maya?

She i... (clears throat) She's...

Okay, look, let's just go over and say hi.

I don't need a babysitter, Marty. I can handle Maya.

Okay? I got this.

He's got this.

Hmm.

Ellis.

(sharp inhale) He don't got this. He don't got this.

Where's he going?

It's... Just wants to...

He's excited.

...say a few words.

Uh-huh.

Ellis (on microphone): Hello, everyone.

My name is Ellis Hightower.

I'm the founder and CEO of Gage Motors.

Thank you.

Today, I am writing a check in the amount of $1 million to Maya's One Child, One Spirit charity.

Hey, that's good, right? That's good.

Ellis: Yes.

Yes, who wouldn't feel compelled to applaud that?

A great name for a great cause.

Fantastic. Now, just step away from the mic, buddy.

You know, it was H.L. Mencken who wrote...

Jesus Christ.

"The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule. Power is what all messiahs really seek, not the chance to serve."

So please, everyone, raise your glass in a toast-- to Maya.

Who may very well be the exception to the rule.

To Maya.

Others: To Maya.

To Maya.

Yeah, well, she seems happy.

And thirsty.

He is such a piece of sh*t.

Yeah.

Uber for Doctors. Okay.

Here's my concern: A large percentage of your market is seniors who don't know how to use their cell phones.

Yeah, well, Kelsey's developed an algorithm to make navigation unbelievably simple.

Kelsey, hit him with it.

What it does is it calculates...

I just need to know if the geriatrics are a potential revenue source.

Absolutely. 100%.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Only takes a second to walk you through it.

It's a pretty cool algorithm, actually...

Yeah, I'm sure it's a "pretty cool algorithm," but I'm good, sweetie.

Clyde: Yeah, yeah, you know what?

We're of course going after the older demographic...

No, you're right. It's a much better idea to pour your money into something that you don't understand.

It's super smart... sweetie.

Clyde: Hey, you know what? I have some projections of start-up costs...

Actually, that's okay. We're gonna pass.

I think will help out...come on...

You're gonna pass.

What do you mean? You don't want my money?

You're an assh*le, so you don't get to invest.

Clyde: That's a funny joke.

And you're being hilarious right now.

No.

Yeah!

No, I'm not.

So thank you for your time. You can go away now.

(scoffs)

Nice dress.

f*ck off!

Come on!

We have a solid business plan, right?

Yeah. And I'd like to get some money to fund it.

Well, I know my algorithm f*cking rocks.

So we don't need to pander to some rich assh*le who doesn't give a sh*t.

Let's pander to some rich assh*le who does.

So you're f*cking crazy.

I mean, that's a given, right?

Oh, you're not even gonna talk back.

Mr. Manchester, over here, please.

Marty: Big oil's full of sh*t.

Whee!

(laughing)

Okay, okay, that's enough.

Hey, and see if some of those can't find their way to the Internet.

Let 'em know Cal Manchester loves starvin' kids.

Whoops!

Y-You know what I mean.

I could use some good press.

Marty (laughing): Yeah.

Swear to Christ, every g*dd*mn story about me is all "ecological nightmare" this and "raper of the Earth" that.

Well, I am glad to help you out with that.

Again.

Again?

What's that? Again.

Marty is the one who brought Ellis and Maya together.

You're welcome.

Not so sure I want to thank you for that so much as rip your head off and piss on your bloody neck stump.

Hey, good to meet you, Billy.

Billy: Dad!

(sighing heavily)

Okay, so enlighten me, Marty.

How does a merger that gives Maya the ability to produce her electric car for the masses help me?

Well, it doesn't.

Unless, of course, producing an electric car for the masses isn't a part of Ellis's vision for the future.

You saying it's not?

Ford or Ferrari-- who do you think Ellis wants to be?

Denna: With this merger, Maya's dream of mass production is effectively neutralized.

Marty: Without it, however, Maya is free to take her highly sought-after technology anywhere.

And it will get made.

Yes, it will.

But the merger is happening.

Absolutely.

Marty: The only question is what part will you play in making it happen.

Because what you don't know is Maya is only a partial owner of her company.

There you are.

So sorry to interrupt.

Can I talk to you for one second?

Uh, you are interrupting.

It's kind of important.

All right, then.

Uh, excuse me?

So, Cal... anyway... how have you been?

Uh, I could really use your help with Ellis and Maya right now.

Jeannie, I was in the middle of something back there...

Oh, yeah, I saw. With, uh, Cal Manchester.

The president of Compass Oil.

Yeah.

So I guess we have a new plan?

Bully Maya into the merger by having Cal thr*aten a buyout?

We are providing Maya with a valuable life lesson.

You give partial ownership of your company to your f*cking grad students, you're gonna get f*cked.

Wait, wait, wait-- I thought the goal here was an amicable partnership.

If Maya and Ellis get along, it makes our lives that much easier going forward.

Jeannie, we tried getting these...

Bullshit we tried.

They haven't even talked.

O-Okay.

So, after everything that's gone on between the two of them, you think getting them talking, that's what's gonna help things?

No, probably better to take the same slash and burn, scorched earth approach you take with everything else in your life.

(wry laugh)

Cal is a contingency plan.

And it's a good one to have in place.

If you were looking at this thing objectively, you would see that.

(sighs heavily)

Okay... I'm gonna keep trying to make our lives easier, if you wouldn't mind waiting to pull the pin on the Cal Manchester grenade.

Okay.

Good luck, Jeannie Bean.

I'll take a break on the slashin' and burnin'.

Whew! (chuckles)

Some exorbitant bids.

That-that's for a good cause.

But, uh, look, Danny, I really would love to buy you something-- trust me-- but, uh... well, the truth is... (clears throat) I'm a little cash poor at the moment.

Now, all that's gonna change, once we get this app launched, so, uh, have you given any more thought to investing?

No pressure.

I'm still thinking.

Mm-hmm. It's a great opportunity, no doubt.

Yeah. No doubt.

No doubt.

Hey, how 'bout this-- how 'bout, instead of me buying you something here, I just write you a sweet college recommendation?

What? Uh-huh. I put in a good word at my alma mater.

It's a good school.

It's a great school, actually.

No, it's the Harvard of the East, if you will.

It's Harvard.

I went to Harvard.

College is bullshit.

Ooh, not sure about that.

Yeah, okay, sure, it's bullshit. It's total bullshit.

I want the basket.

But that's... alcohol.

(laughing): I mean, I can't...

Danny, I can't buy you alcohol.

That's okay. I get it.

You're broke, and you've got all these judgmental assholes everywhere.

Exactly. Yeah.

It's really more about the judgmental assholes.

So here's what you do: You go down to the liquor store, buy me a couple bottles of vodka and a pack of cigarettes.

It'll be our little secret.

Uh... no.

I mean, I can't, Danny. I'm sorry.

Okay.

I guess you don't want me to fully fund your venture.

I... no, I...

That's fine.

(sighing)

(indistinct conversation)

Wait, Danny, Danny...

(chuckling): Hey...

So what's your brand?

Anyway, I was in preschool when I realized I was destined for greatness.

I also realized in preschool that my teacher was trying to undermine me.

She didn't believe in me... because she was a c**t.

(baby crying)

Jeannie: Uh, Maya, did Ellis tell you about the, uh, daycare center he has planned for the employees at Gage?

A daycare center? Really?

Well, he felt it was long overdue.

Didn't you, Ellis?

Uh, yep. Sure.

Uh, why don't you let me hold him?

People say I have a calming presence.

Her. It's a girl.

Are you sure?

You're asking if I know the sex of my own child?

Well, adopted child.

You have so many, I thought maybe you got confused.

Okay, just take her.

Maya: You're okay.

Woman: So, when does the merger become official?

The documents will be signed and ready on Monday.

And it can't come soon enough, because, while Maya built a great little company for herself, it's time for her to come back to the big leagues where she belongs.

Because-- make no mistake about it--

I plan to lead us into the future, and the future is coming faster than anyone anticipated.

Wow!

What is your problem?

My problem? My problem is that you are the same pompous, dismissive, arrogant prick that you've always been.

You just say these things that are supposed to be profound.

They mean absolutely nothing.

"The future is coming faster than any of us could have anticipated"?

f*ck you!

I'm gonna go talk to her.

Good luck.

(sighs)

Women, right, guys?

Jeannie: Maya?

Maya...

I understand how you feel.

Okay, believe me.

But he's here, you know, and he's trying.

I am sure it looks that way to you.

He just donated a million dollars to your charity.

We will never see that money, Jeannie.

Just like there's never gonna be a daycare center.

Ellis is the king of making grandiose promises and then never following through.

Then why did you even want him here?

I don't know. I guess maybe I wanted to witness the new humility you said he had found.

I thought maybe he had changed.

He has changed.

And he will write you that check.

It's not just about the check.

It's everything.

Soon as he opened up his mouth, it all came flooding back.

Just how miserable I was during the whole Ellis era.

Okay, well, we have a deal in place that...

I realize this puts you in a difficult situation, and I am so sorry for that, but I'm not signing those papers.

Maya?

Maya?

What?

Please, please just hear me out.

Clyde: It's so weird, 'cause I've never been attracted to a girl like this before, but Kelsey's great.

You know?

Smart, funny, knows exactly what she wants.

My main concern is the physical attraction in the long term.

Yeah.

You know, sometimes, I think I hear this slight clinking, like, "clink, clink, clink" clinking noise every time she walks.

I'm afraid there might be multiple clitoral piercings.

Uh-huh.

Yeah. I'm almost certain of it.

But, like, what's the best situation out of all this?

We get together. Then what? We break up.

Now it's weird because we're in business together.

So, I don't go out with her, I do not ask her out.

It's that easy.

Ah, but I do think she's cute, man.

I mean, I don't know.

What do you think?

You think I should probably stop being such a p*ssy, huh?

Is that what you're giving me?

f*ck it.

You're right.

I'm going for it.

I'm gonna get it.

Ah.

So, give it to me.

(clears throat)

So, we will do it your way.

Jeannie, you're about to make a horrible old man very happy.

Oh, Cal.

(both laugh)

You were right, Marty.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

You want me to see if they're serving crow?

(laughs)

Thank you.

Who was that?

The whitest man in the world, or...?

Uh, yeah.

Mmm.

Also, a guy who wants to put up our seed money.

Are you f*cking ser...? All of it?

That's amazing.

Yeah, I, uh, managed to find a rich investor in the Bay Area who's interested in technology.

Mind blown. Uh, anyway, he wants to talk details after this thing wraps up.

Yeah. Great.

And then after that, we should go someplace nice to celebrate.

Just you and I should.

And we're not inviting Doug 'cause he's broke?

Listen, I know, um, we've been doing this little dance, but the truth is, I like you.

Like, I feel like there's something special here and we should really see where it goes...

No.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, no.

Okay. I heard you the first time.

I say go for it.

(groaning)

And you saw the part where she said...

Just the noes.

You saw the noes.

Denna: I'll be back from London next week.

See you then?

Can't wait.

I should say good-bye to Cal.

Oh.

Denna: Aha.

Marty: Yeah, he's a little busy.

I'll tell him you said good-bye.

It was a pleasure watching you work today, Marty.

Thank you.

Jeannie, nice meeting you.

But I didn't get you anything.

I was about to give that to a 15-year-old boy to secure our seed money.

Now I'm not. Do you know why?

Because you don't trust yourself around him?

No, because that's not really Danny Buckingham.

Oh, my God.

Thank God I looked him up on the cab ride back here, or else...

Kelsey: Sorry, Doug.

I meant to tell you before. It just...

No. Hey, it's my fault for being the gullible one, right?

You trust people. I like that about you.

In fact, it's one of the things I like most about you.

Not that there's much to choose from.

Clyde switched back to full assh*le mode now that I won't go out with him.

Doug: Really?

Clyde: No.

Oh, how the tables have turned.

So she rejected you.

No, she didn't reject me.

I asked her out as a goof.

She knew I was kidding, so she said no.

That's the only reason.

She didn't reject me.

I absolutely believe you, Clyde.

Maya: Excuse me, everyone.

So, it is time to announce the winners of the silent auction.

Everything?

Are you f*cking kid...

(sighs)

That's fine. That's fine.

So, it seems that Ellis Hightower is the highest bidder on every item.

(chatter, applause)

Of course he is.

Maya: Now... payment is expected by the end of the evening, so if you were the second highest bidder on anything, I'd say you probably still have a chance, so...

Here we go.

So, what's this, a $10,000 table?

Cheap fucks.

Here, let me reimburse you for that.

You know, I gave my students a piece of the company to motivate them.

You used that generosity to f*ck me over.

Marty: Hey. Come on.

Such pessimism.

Listen, maybe your students will be immune to the lure of Cal Manchester's bottomless f*cking pockets.

I mean, if history's taught us anything, it's that socialism really works, right?

Merge with Ellis or be overtaken by a giant oil conglomerate.

I have to hand it to all of you.

You managed to make Ellis Hightower the lesser of two evils.

Great f*cking job.

Oh. And, Jeannie, I wouldn't worry too much about motherhood changing you.

People like you don't change.

(chuckles softly)

Hey, f*ck her.

Yeah, f*ck her.

Ellis: Thank you. Thank you.

One Child, One Spirit.

One high bidder.

Thank you, everybody.

Sorry about the whole clipboard fiasco.

Next year, we're going to do electronic bidding, I can promise you that.

But wow, what a day for hungry children.

Huh? Yeah.

(applause)

Let's hear it. That's right.

You're welcome.

♪ On the Judgment Day ♪
♪ What you gonna do ♪
♪ On the Judgment Day? ♪
♪ You cannot rock and roll all the day ♪
♪ All you gotta do is kneel and pray ♪
♪ What you gonna do ♪
♪ On the Judgment Day? ♪