04x05 - Episode Five

[bunniefuu]

Something from Tim Whittick.

He calls me Yoko.

He doesn't call you Yoko.

Every time he sees me, he somehow manages to work the word "Ono" into the conversation.

Oh, no.

So I read through those notes from that Tim guy, and I ran them past legal.

And?

You have a legal problem.

Bloody hell.

He wants to run the show with you.

I thought you were gonna make this go away?

So did I.

If you maintain your current rate of spending, you'll run out of money by the time you get here.

2019?

f*ck you.

(Whistling)

(Cell phone playing tune)

(Groans)

Yo. It's Bob.

If you don't have good news, I'm hanging up.

All right. Be well.

Oh, f*ck. What?

Apparently Penzel stopped paying your taxes four years ago.

Bullshit. I signed the returns.

I signed the checks.

Then he shredded the returns, cashed the checks, and took the money.

I've been on with the IRS all morning.

How much?

$7.9 million.

Jesus.

Yep.

Now what?

Now we do what we should have done in the first place.

No, no. No, not the plane.

Oh, the plane's not even a question.

We got to talk about the cars, the beach house, the place in Cabo, the watches, the restaurant, the boat, the dinosaur egg...

Mm.

You look like your nuts got kicked in the nuts.

Financial sh*t.

Okay, I had an idea.

And before you say no, I think it could be very lucrative for both of us.

What?

Sex tape.

(Scoffs) You're f*cking crazy.

You remember mine?

I may have jerked off to it.

It was good, right?

Good enough.

I made enough from that one tape to move to Brentwood, and that was just me and some black guy.

Imagine...

I'm not making a sex tape with you.

I'm not talking about now.

I still have the one from...

From what?

Is this you being funny?

No idea what you're talking about.

Seriously?

What, us?

Yeah, us.

Come on.

Wow.

Forget it.

No, tell me.

When?

Years ago.

What, like, before Friends?

Yeah, before Friends.

I was the famous one.

I was Kelly. You were nobody.

And you don't remember me?

No.

d*ck.

By the way, this lunch is on me.

Absolutely not. We invited you.

Well, I appreciate that, since I did not bring any money.

(Laughter) I'm not joking.

I'll also need $10 for the valet, so...

(Laughter)

Still not joking, but all right.

A toast to... the three of us.

Oh, yeah. Well, look, here's the thing.

The three of us working together?

Really?

(Chuckles)

Really?

That's the worst toast ever.

(Laughs)

Seriously, you have to admit, it's a bit untenable.

Not to me.

But since I was part of this project first, if you want to step aside, I would totally support that.

Well, I'm not stepping anywhere.

Oh, no?

Okay, you heard it again, right?

I did.

What?

Honestly, we can't all do it together.

You know that.

I'm not going anywhere.

Look, we both appreciate...

Yeah, I don't think you appreciate f*ck all.

I've been hanging on to this business by my damn fingernails.

Three weeks ago, I was this close to junking the whole bloody thing and going to work for my brother in Watford, cleaning up crime scenes and suicides.

This is my chance to not be wiping brains off a wall.

Finally, I have a TV show...

A big, fat American TV show...

And Eileen says that if it takes off...

Wait. I'm... I'm sorry.

Eileen?

Oh, yeah. I signed with Eileen.

Eileen is your agent?

Right.

Our Eileen is your Eileen?

Yeah.

Anyone care to wipe my brains off the wall?

Eileen Jaffee's office.

It's Sean and Beverly Lincoln.

Is she there?

Let me check.

You're on with Eileen.

Hi, guys.

You signed Tim?

I signed him who?

Not "him," Tim.

Oh, yes.

Seriously?

You don't see this as a potential conflict of interest?

Not yet.

It's unconscionable.

Honey, I'm about to lose you.

I'm on a plane, and we're taking off.

Where you going?

Um...

(Line beeps)

Okay, the Chateau Marmont?

Alan Thicke's birthday party?

We went back to my place, and I blew you in my hot tub!

Jesus.

I was at Alan Thicke's birthday party?

(Growls)

What was that?

She's got it in her head that we...

It happened!

(Cell phone playing tune)

Hello?

Hi, honey.

Quick question...

We just heard about this Tim person.

What?

Eileen says he's going to be running the show with you guys?

Bloody Eileen.

Was she kidding?

(Mouths word)

I wish. He's Sean's ex-partner.

Oh, God, it's too upsetting to even talk about.

Well, we're gonna need to meet him.

You should definitely not meet him.

If he's gonna be part of the show...

Hopefully a very, very small part.

Uh-huh.

Sean and I are trying to keep his involvement to an absolute minimum.

Mm.

I am begging you, do not meet with him.

It will only inflate his already ridiculous sense of importance.

Great. We'll set up a meeting.

Talk to you later. Bye-bye.

But... You seem a little stressed, bud.

(Scoffs) You think?

The Penzel thing?

It's like the perfect storm, if the storm was made of sh*t.

Well, if it's any help, lunch is on me.

Lunch is always on you.

What'd help is a job. You got one of those?

(Chuckling) Hey, I'm not a magician.

Yeah, well, you better pull something out of your ass.

What magic shows did you go to?

You mean to tell me there's nothing out there?

Not nothing. Things come your way.

But I try to be selective.

I don't want to waste your time with sh*t.

Waste my time. Tell me.

Okay, there's a thing I just got a call on.

Yeah?

Normally, I wouldn't even think of bringing this to you.

Bring it. What's the show?

Not a show.

Movie?

Not exactly. It's... a party.

Are you sh1tting me? You're bringing me a party?

See, this is why I screen stuff.

(Sighs) What kind of party?

It's a birthday party for the head of state of a country in Central Asia.

He's turning 50, and he's offering to pay $500,000 for you to be there.

Half a million to show up at a party?

Yep.

Why would you not bring me this?

Um, his regime is somewhat iffy... t*rture-wise.

Huh.

You ever heard of Kharakistan?

No.

He's the "butcher" of Kharakistan.

And he wants me at his birthday party?

Apparently he's a huge Friends fan.

Loves the show. Joey's his favorite.

Aw.

Now, keep in mind, he's widely considered to be among the worst dictators on the planet.

Okay.

He's a w*r criminal.

He's been accused of unspeakable atrocities.

On the plus side, he would send his private plane for you.

Hmm.

Also, you can bring as many people as you want.

So who else is going to this thing?

They've reached out to a number of our clients.

Like who?

I can't say...

Just like I wouldn't tell anyone that you were going.

Let me ask you this.

Would I be the biggest name there?

Mm, probably in television.

So feature people?

Oh, yeah. It's a big deal.

He is spending millions on this thing.

He's got Oprah's party planner.

They're flying in chandeliers from Austria.

Wow.

On the other hand... full disclosure... he k*lled 11,000 people... in January.

This January?

Yes.

Got ya.

What would I have to do at this thing?

Just show up, schmooze a little.

There might be a group of you singing happy birthday.

What language?

Oh, English. He went to B.U.

So how are things coming with the show?

Ah, terrific.

I've been to Holland twice to see how they do it.

Wow. Good for you.

You ever been?

No, no.

Did you get to see the tulips?

(Chuckles)

You can't f*cking miss the tulips.

It's like yellow tulips, red tulips, purple tulips.

Enough with the tulips.

We get it. You're Holland.

Sure.

And hookers.

Everywhere you look, tulips and hookers.

(Chuckles)

Right. Okay.

So, uh, we got your list of potential hosts.

Great. What do you think?

Well, uh, just so you know, Bert Convy is dead.

Jesus.

No. When?

Um, 1991.

Oh, well, that's a shame.

He'd have been great.

Yeah.

Also, Richard Dawson is dead.

Come on.

And Guy Smiley is a puppet on Sesame Street.

(Sighs) Wow.

Clearly Google is not my friend.

Clearly. (Both laugh)

So we'll need a new list.

You got it. And nobody dead.

That would help. (Both laugh)

All righty.

So how's it going here with Helen?

Oh, she's terrific.

Yeah? You like working under her?

Or are you on top?

What?

"What?"

(Laughs) I-I don't... I don't know where you got that, but...

Fine, fine, fine, fine. Whatever you say.

But FYI... (Clicks tongue) Good for you. That is one hunk of woman.

Oh. Can we please drop this?

It's dropped. It's dropped.

I just get a kick out of knowing that you and I drank from the same well.

What are you talking about?

Ah, I'm sorry I even said anything.

You and Helen?

Yeah, it was back when she worked for me.

It was just one night, but ooh.

She's a wild one with that little swastika down there.

What?

Come on, you know.

That little swastika tattoo?

That's a flower.

Oh.

Yeah, it was pretty dark, and I hadn't had my LASIK yet.

Yeah, not a swastika.

That's a relief. (Chuckles)

I got to say, it made me a little uncomfortable.

This whole conversation is making me uncomfortable.

Funny, 'cause it's making me a little hot.

It's not hot.

It's kind of hot.

No.

Come on, it's almost like the three of us were together.

It's not like that.

It's sort of like that.

Not even a little.

Tell that to what's in my head.

I can't control the sh*t in there.

No, you cannot.

Well, thanks for coming in.

My pleasure. (Chuckles)

And I mean that.

They're saying I can bring anyone I want.

Well, this is exciting. Thank you so much.

And he's flying us there on his private plane?

He's a fan.

I've never even heard of this country.

It's gonna be fun. It's a whole three-day thing.

There's optional tours to, like, ancient temples, or you can visit a uranium mine.

Oh, my God.

What?

Are you aware that this man is a mass m*rder*r?

Uh, yeah, I've heard some mixed things.

Let me see.

He has k*lled hundreds of thousands of people.

So I guess the party won't be too crowded.

Jesus Christ, he slaughtered 11,000 people in...

In January. Yeah, yeah, I know.

How can you go to this m*rder*r's birthday party?

Who's having a party?

According to the Hague, his regime is second only to North Korea in its human rights violations.

Oh, you got invited to that?

Uh-huh.

You're not seriously considering this?

It's endorsing evil.

It's morally reprehensible.

It's three days.

How much are you getting?

$500,000.

Nice.

He's paying you? You never mentioned that.

That makes it even worse.

Or better.

God, times have changed.

I only got $30,000 for going to Idi Amin's Christmas party.

Hang on.

You spent Christmas with Idi Amin?

Well, not just me.

It was me, Herve Villechaize, Yul Brynner, Angie Dickinson, and Eva Gabor.

God, I had such a thing for Angie Dickinson.

So did Idi, and let me tell you, that guy was handsy.

Yeah, that's what he'll be remembered for.

They are paying you $500,000?

Plus a party.

Look, I realize you're in a tough position financially, but you have to say no to this.

It is wrong on so many levels.

Okay, let's... Okay, let's say I don't go.

What's that gonna accomplish, huh?

Does it save one village from being slaughtered?

Does it stop one beheading? No.

It just means some other schmuck celebrity will get my gift bag.

That's right. There are gift bags.

Why would you tell me that?

He told you what?

It's no big deal.

I just thought it was a little weird that we talked all about me and Merc and you never said anything...

Well, I never said anything because I made him explicitly promise that neither of us would ever, ever tell anyone.

And now he's telling you?

Well, just me.

We don't know that.

No.

I mean, if he's telling you, who else is he telling?

I don't know.

Ugh!

I am so pissed.

I'm saving his ass, giving him a f*cking TV show, and this is how he thanks me?

Um, if it helps, he said it was an amazing night.

The only thing amazing is that I did it.

Talk about sh*t you regret.

I was in the middle of getting my divorce from ed.

He was still getting rid of the first one, what's-her-name with no chin?

Marlene.

Marlene.

Yes. Very good.

We were both drunk. He made a move.

I was like, "What the hell? How bad can it be?"

That bad?

Oh, my God.

It's like having sex with a potato.

Yeah.

A sweating potato.

Oh, and this was back when he still had his toupee.

At one point, it came off.

Yeah, I looked down, it was like this wet, little ferret on my stomach.

(Laughing) Oh, God.

Yeah, and then at the end... 'cause it needed to get worse... he came on a picture of my kids.

What?

Oh, yeah.

It was on my nightstand.

Now, when you say to a person, "not inside me," that doesn't give them license to just sh**t it the f*ck anywhere.

No, it does not.

I'm sorry.

A little aim... Is that asking too much?

Totally fair.

Stupid bazooka d*ck.

You know, that was the last guy I was ever with.

And I'm not saying he was the reason, but, ugh, talk about going out with a whimper, literally a whimper...

A whimper and then a fart.

Yeah, the farting thing takes some getting used to.

So...

What else did he tell you?

Um, that's it.

Mm.

Really.

Oh.

What?

He did mention your tattoo.

Although...

What?

He thought it was a swastika. (Laughs)

Please tell me you're kidding.

(Laughing) Nope. A swastika.

Oh, come on, you got to admit, that's kind of funny.

Not to me.

He's going around telling people I have some sort of anti-semitic twat?

Oh, I'm gonna f*cking k*ll him.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know.

But I'm so gonna get his ass.

Okay, now I'm a little scared.

He should be scared.

Wh...

Is it really that big a deal?

Yes.

Do you think I want people out there thinking I spent even one night f*cking Merc Lapidus?

I mean, what does that say about me as a human being?

Uh, five years.

Oh, right.

Mm.

But that's... (Chuckles)

That's different.

That's...

You...

Yeah, I got nothing.

Yeah.

Is it me, or are there more pillows than there were this morning?

(Cell phone chimes)

Who's that at 11:30?

Tim.

He wants to know what we're all wearing to the network meeting tomorrow.

Doesn't he realize he's our nemesis?

He isn't supposed to be asking for fashion tips.

I know. It's insane.

Of all the bloody nerve.

What are you typing?

"Smart casual."

There, done.

Phone off.

And look, the bed is finally denuded of pillows.

(Sighs)

Speaking of "denuded"...

I noticed that word in there.

I was hoping you might.

(Chuckling)

Come here, please.

So polite.

What?

Nothing.

What?

(Sighs)

I can't stop thinking about Tim.

Huh.

Whatever the opposite of an erection is, I just got a big one.

I'm sorry.

(Sighs)

Just the thought of working with him, being stuck in a room with him all day...

I don't think I can do it.

Life's too short.

Well, what choice do we have?

I don't know.

Maybe you should do the show without me.

What?

You can do it, and Tim can type it.

That's crazy.

It's not. I'll be fine.

I'll get a job on another show, or I'll do charity work...

Maybe something with refugees from Kharakistan.

No. No. I'm not doing it without you.

Look, I wish to hell I could just make him disappear, but I can't.

This seems to be the only solution.

Don't you ever get tired of compromising?

That's how the world works.

Just give it a chance.

Please.

For me.

That's so unfair.

That's why I said it.

(Sighs)

Okay...

For you.

I love you.

(Chuckles)

Mm, look who's back.

He was very patient.

Thank you.

He doesn't get to hear that nearly enough.

(Chuckles)

(Sports broadcast playing on TV)

(Knock at door)

Yeah?

Maybe this will jog your memory.

Of what, the '80s?

How the hell am I supposed to play that?

On your VCR?

Nobody has a VCR.

(Groans) Hey.

Can you get us a VCR?

A what?

(People moaning on TV)

Wait. Stop. Stop.

What?

That is not me.

I know that's not you.

Aw, you know who that is?

That's Dean Martin's driver.

Oh, yeah?

Dean sh*t a guest spot on "Kelly".

Looks like his driver sh*t a guest spot on "Kelly" too.

Hang on. I'm pretty sure you're next.

Next?

What is this... The vag*na deli?

(Sighs)

(People moaning)

So? Ring a bell?

Nope.

Are you sure that's...

Oh.

Yeah, that's me.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

I'm so f*cking young.

What about me?

You actually look younger now.

Jesus Christ.

I'm like a baby.

Look at my ass!

It was a great ass.

Well, this wasn't that long ago.

What the hell happened to me?

Yeah, it's a mystery.

Look, you see that move where I flipped you over?

I'd need two guys to help me now.

(Sighs)

(Groans)

This is the most depressing sex tape ever.

Oh, man, even my balls look new!

So why don't you catch us up?

How did the three of you guys meet?

Well, Sean-y and I met at university.

Oh, so you didn't all start out together?

Oh, no.

He and I were partners for years.

La Bev came along much, much later.

We were all hired to work together on a sketch show, and all of a sudden, there she was with her biting wit and...

Pfft, I don't know what. (Chuckles)

Oh, say it...

vag*na.

(Laughter) It's true.

How do you compete with that?

(Sighs)

And I just thought they were cheating on Sean's wife, Emmeline.

Turns out I was out with the rubbish too.

Oh, and I thought we were so close.

(Chuckles)

Uh, right, well, ancient history.

Clearly, everything's worked out for the best.

Mm, tell that to Emmeline.

I'll have my vag*na drop her a note.

(Laughs)

Yeah, the point is, we're all together now, and it is very exciting.

Mmhmm.

Well, let's talk a little about that.

How do you see the three of you working together?

Oh, well, um...

We haven't exactly worked out the nuts and bolts, but I think we bring different skills.

For instance, Sean and I actually wrote the script, created the characters, all the dialogue.

Tim is apparently a whiz at the typing.

So I guess he brings that.

(Chuckles)

Well, you know, more than that, you know, clearly.

Thank you.

I like to think I also bring perspective.

Now, don't get me wrong... The script is brilliant.

Obviously.

But I think these two are so close to it, they can't see there are ways to make it much, much better.

Such as?

Yes, please tell us.

Well, for starters, I think we can really up the comedy.

Oh, my gosh.

If you could get it up, that would be wonderful.

(Laughter)

Maybe this is something we should discuss just the three of us.

Absolutely.

Ah, it's just that I remember when Sean-y and I were coming up with it.

Somehow the whole thing just felt funnier.

Also, I think the characters can have a lot more bite.

Really? Need more bite, do you?

Okay.

I mean, they're fine.

But there's something a little nothing-y about them.

Nothing-y? (Chuckles)

Nothing-y.

Ooh, obviously touched a nerve.

No. You have a nerve.

Okay, I'm gonna jump in here, if I may.

Please, God, do.

Mm, mm-hmm.

Everyone here knows that to get a show right is almost impossible.

Exactly.

To get a real bona fide hit... something great... you need everything spot-on.

If you make one mistake, then you don't have lightning in a bottle.

You just have a bottle.

And I can tell you right now that this is the mistake.

So here's the deal.

It's either him or us.

I'm afraid that's a deal my lawyers won't be too comfortable with.

Well, hopefully they're funny lawyers, since you'll be doing the show with them.

Enough bite for you?

Look, if you bow out now and this thing takes off, you'll make a ton of money.

We'll let Eileen here negotiate with herself to see what she thinks is fair.

You'll still be one of the creators of a hit show, and you can parlay that into a whole career.

Or you can dig in your heels, insist on being part of something that isn't happening, and get a big slice of nothing-y pie.

Your call.

Oh, no.

(Traditional Middle Eastern music)

(Indistinct chatter)

Mm, thanks.

Holy sh*t.

What? No way. (Laughs)

Oh, my God. Hey, buddy.

Have you been here the whole time?

Yeah.

Were you at the uranium mine?

No, no, I did the thing with the drones.

Yeah, we each got to blow up a jeep.

Aw, sh*t, I should've done that one.

How insane is this?

Oh, my God.

That thing with the swans?

Yeah, that was too many swans.

Hey, uh, are you gonna keep your llama?

(Sighs) It's a lot to schlep back.

And then what do you do with it?

I don't know, but it was a gift.

I don't want to piss him off.

No. No.

How come you're not wearing your thing?

What do you mean? They said it was optional.

Yeah, but who knows what "optional" means here?

Besides, I-I kind of like it.

I feel like Aladdin.

Or Mrs. Roper.

Eh.

(Both chuckle)

Want to get some caviar?

Ugh, really? More?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, by the way, can I get a lift back to the palace?

They sh*t my driver.

Seriously?

(Mouths word)

This place is nuts.

I know.

But, hey, for a million bucks...