10x05 - The g*ng Spies Like U.S.

[bunniefuu]

Charlie: That's what's good about a beer.

Frank: Yeah. It just keeps cycling through...

Mac: Guys, guys, guys!

We got news, we've got terrible news.

Dennis: Yeah. What do you got?

Okay, you know that Chinese fish factory across the street?

The one with the horrible smell? Ugh.

Yeah.

Dee: Yeah. Of course.

Disgusting. Been there forever?

They've installed security cameras pointed directly at Paddy's. Yeah.

What? They're pointing them at us?

Yes. They can't do that.

That's bullshit! What, are they spying on us?

Yes, dude, I think they're spying on us, and you know what else? They bought the building next door and they are expanding like crazy.

I'm telling you, it is only a matter of time before the Chinese take us over. They've always been very secretive for a fish factory, did you notice?

Do you ever feel like maybe they're using that fish smell to cover up, like, maybe some other mysterious smell?

Mmm. It is an incredibly strong smell. It's turned me off of fish.

Me, too! Oh, that's so bad.

I'm off of fish. And I used to eat so much fish, guys, I mean... I love fish.

Good fish, good solid fish? Flakey, really...

Protein, omega numbers... Omega threes, fours and fives. Melts in your mouth.

You get to eat all your scales.

Don't eat the scales. No, you don't eat the scales.

You know, you don't get scales unless it's a fish or a reptile. You got to get them...

Don't eat reptiles. Yeah, not eating all reptiles, just the good ones. Okay, guys, we got a plan.

Dee, come with us. Yeah.

You're gonna help us gather intel.

Really? Let's do it, come on.

Okay. There she goes. Let's go.

All right, and then, uh, what do Frank and I do?

Well, you guys just hang back, uh, do your thing.

Don't eat reptiles and just hang out.

What? What, you're going with Dee over us? Right.

Yeah. I-Is this 'cause you guys have been living at her place ever since your fire?

You know what I mean? I feel like you burn your place down, you move into Dee's, and now you're, like, getting all buddy-buddy... Yeah. Yeah, chummy-chummy.

Yeah, I-I guess so. You know, if you need.

That's crazy! Dee over us?

I mean, you can't count on her.

You're completely unreliable, Dee, really. You're, like, all gangly and uncoordinated.

And she's constantly gonna back-sass you.

Oh, she'll argue with everything you say.

You know, it's bullshit.

No, you know what's bullshit? Me getting boxed out all the time. And these guys have finally realized, by living with me, that old Dee is pretty cool after all, and pretty funny, too.

So maybe I shouldn't be the butt of everybody's jokes anymore.

Let's... let's not get crazy, Dee.

Yeah, you're always gonna be the butt of our jokes.

Whatever, let's roll. Yeah, we're still gonna make jokes at your expense.

That's okay, let's go.

All right. Yeah, uh... just hang.

Uh, we're good. Huh?

What the hell was that?

Something stinks here, Charlie, and it ain't just the fish.

Dude, the other day, I was trying to get in the back office...

Yeah?

Dennis had the door locked. Mac locked the door, too!

What is that? Who locks the office door?

I feel like they're always sneaking around now, and they're all, like, nervous. Something big is definitely going down.

I got a plan. You know what? How about you and I spy on that Chinese factory?

Yeah, but, Charlie, I trust the Chinese as far as I could throw their factory.

Mm-hmm.

But the real thr*at isn't abroad, Charlie; it's right here at home. We got to spy on Mac and Dennis.

(Dennis gags)

Oh, God, that smell!

Whew!

The air quality in here is terrible!

How do these people survive in this?

Oof. Well, you know the Chinese.

It's like, business first, breathing second, g*dd*mn it!

At least we know that it's a real fish factory, not some sort of a front for something.

Well... Well, Dee, we don't know that for sure, okay? And that's why you got to get a job here.

I got to get a job here?

What am I looking for?

Shady practices, you know?

Sketchy dealings. Schematics.

Uh, human rights violations, anything, Dee.

Just-just, you know, gather intel.

Okay. What are you guys gonna do?

Dee, you're on a need-to-know basis here, okay?

There's a chain of command here, okay?

You're at the very bottom. You're way down.

Yeah. Well, at least tell me what the whole plan is.

Dee, the one time we bring you in on a thing instead of Charlie and all we get is back-sass and questions?

Do you want to be on the team or not?

Yeah.

Yeah, I want to be part of the team, okay?

Yes, sorry. So how do I gather the intel?

Oh, Jesus Chri... Talk to people.

I don't know, flirt with the manager.

He'll love how "pretty" and "blonde" you are.

Don't do that. I'm blonde.

Look, my mind goes to that office up there, you know?

What kind of shady sh*t's going on in there?

And now I'm doing your job for you.

You know what, let's just go get Charlie, 'cause I don't want to hold her hand for the whole day.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No Charlie. No Charlie, okay?

I got this, you guys, I got this.

Don't worry about me, I got this.

Okay, we need you, Dee.

Go. Go.

Go.

It sucks not having our own apartment.

We got to get back in there, dude.

I know. I hate Dee.

Dennis, I hate her.

I know, I know, but at least we got her out of our hair for a little while.

Yeah.

We can finally do our plan.

Yes, okay.

(knocking at door)

Oh, g*dd*mn it.

What is that?

(knocking continues)

g*dd*mn it!

All right, look.

Let's just deal with it, and then we can get back to business.

Yeah, okay.

All right, all right.

I'm coming!

I'm coming, Jesus Christ... oh.

Hey, guys.

What do you want, Charlie?

We're busy.

I wanted to apologize about, um, snapping earlier today with words at you guys, and then I came here to make an apology... apology words.

What's he talking about?

I-I don't know.

I don't remember.

Okay, thank you.

Well, hang on!

Hang on a second.

I got you guys a flower arrangement for you.

Great.

Thanks.

Give it to him.

You can't just have it.

There's a plan.

I have to come in and give it to you.

And put it down.

All right, fine.

Come in, put them down and then go.

Okay, and I'm in.

He's in.

Okay. Uh...

Put the vase close to them, so we can see them.

Right.

Okay... and good.

And where are you guys spending the most of your time?

It's a very small apartment.

We're all over the place.

Just put them anywhere.

And I'll put them down right here, then.

No.

No good, move them.

Can't put them here, though.

(quiet chatter over earpiece)

Where can I put them?

Dude, any... put them in the trash, for all we care.

I don't...

Putting them a little further back, so...

Yeah, that's good.

And right about here.

Uh, great, we don't care.

It's fine.

No, to the left.

To the left, you say?

Didn't say that.

Don't talk out loud to me.

Roger that.

Who's Roger?

Who's Roger?

Just... thinking about legally changing my name to Roger.

What's wrong with your ear, dude?

S... spider crawled up in my ear.

It was living there.

Right.

Sends its thoughts to me.

Is it telling you to leave?

Spider, can I leave?

To the left.

Right there, that's good.

Now get out of there.

Okay.

Oh, Jesus Chr...

Let's get back to business, please.

Yeah, come on.

I was doing a little research earlier, and I stumbled upon something huge.

Hey, man.

Can you hear and see everything?

They're talking about research.

Research, huh?

It is everything that we've been looking for.

Dude, it's gonna save us so much time.

It is a game-changer.

Check this out.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

There's so much potential here!

What is it?

This is great!

I can't see.

Yeah, sh*t.

So, listen, do me a favor.

Give me a little bit of time with this, okay?

Let me dig in to this a little bit, see what the potential really is.

Yeah, I'll give you some some space. Okay.

Yeah.

Oh, oh, wait, Mac.

Yeah?

One more thing.

Mm-hmm.

Throw those g*dd*mn flowers in the trash.

Yeah. Right.

Pieces of sh*t.

g*dd*mn it!

Son of a bitch.

We got to get our hands on that laptop!

Right.

Name's Dee.

I'm new around here.

So, what's the deal with these masks, huh?

Are they gonna protect you from the fish or protect the fish from you-- am I right?

(woman speaking Chinese)

No. I didn't get that.

You chop fish, pull gut!

"Pull gut." Totally, yeah.

Listen, I'm gonna pop this off 'cause it's not protecting me from the smell, so I'm not really sure what the point is.

Hey. (clears throat)

Give me the skinny.

Are you guys up to anything non-fish related around here or...?

(woman speaks Chinese)

Seriously?

All right, g*dd*mn it.

You are of no use to me.

Oh, here we go.

Uh, excuse me. Hello.

Hi. Um...

Uh, my name's Dee and I'm new around here, and I just would love to chat with you sometime in private, you know?

Maybe up in your secret private office up there?

I need you to chop fish and pull the gut.

Yeah. No, I get it.

I-I get that you're a chop fish, pull gut factory.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Don't go anywhere. Hi.

Um, uh, how about this, huh?

Uh-oh. What do you see, huh?

American girl, blue eyes, blond hair... (screams)

(man shouting in Chinese)

It got me! It got me good!

(screaming)

Aah! It got in my mouth!

Incoming!

(alarm blaring)

(screams)

Hi.

Hey, guys.

What are you doing, dude?

You texted us 911.

What's the emergency?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, uh, well, our friendship's in danger, so...

I stole Frank's credit card.

You guys want to have lunch?

You got Frank's card?

I got the card.

I'm annoyed, but I could eat.

All right, let's go.

Yeah, to be honest with you, my taste for fish is returning.

Yeah, I've been thinking about it all day.

My taste for fish is slowly returning, too. Yeah.

And Guigino's does have the best fish. Very well!

All right, you know, maybe, uh... maybe just order a couple apps though.

I think Frank would prefer that.

You know, that's...

Who cares what Frank prefers?

We're buying this food with his stolen credit card.

And I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that. (chuckles)

Uh, welcome back, gentlemen.

I'm sorry.

Do I know you, pal?

I've never seen this man before in my life.

I waited on you before.

You tied my shoelaces together.

I fell down.

I'm getting nothing.

I'm drawing a blank on this guy.

Yeah, yeah, that means nothing to me.

What are you saying?

A scalding hot plate of spaghetti fell into my face?

I'm to remember every man I've seen fall into a plate of spaghetti?

Never mind.

Uh, can I get your order?

Get me the snapper, bozo.

Snapper fish for the man.

Actually, our fish supplier had an incident at their facility, so we are limited on fish.

Market price is quite high today.

Do you have the snapper or not?

Yeah, uh, we do.

But it's $44.

Ooh. Oh, my God. All right.

Well, then, let's do some cheaper chicken or, uh...

Well, no. I'm in fish mood now. Fish has been established.

It was established, wasn't it?

Yeah, it was.

So three snappers.

Yeah, why are we talking about it so much?

Get the g*dd*mn snappers!

Okay... oh...

Get the snapper!

Jesus Christ.

Who is that guy?

Guigino's is slipping.

It's slipping.

It is, they are slipping.

They do have great fish though.

So, what's going on with our with our friendship?

Yeah.

Okay.

Ha!

Charlie, I'm in.

How you doing? You having lunch?

Keeping them busy?

Uh, yeah, but slight hitch though.

The snapper is, uh, $44.

What?!

No, no, no, no $44!

Get them appetizers.

I know, but, like, they want fish and I kind of want fish, too, and the waiter said it's the market price, so...

All right. Wait, I got the laptop.

Let me go to the search history.

Holy sh*t!

Damn it!

Sweeping up fish guts with a broom!

Got to be some kind of workers' rights violation.

What are you...?! Aah!

You idiot! What are you picking it up with your hands?!

(woman speaking Chinese)

Uh, hell no, lady, no.

Uh, look, I realize this might all be moon talk to you, but I'm not touching fish guts with my hands, okay?

You know what we could do?

Yeah, let's just disperse it.

You know what I mean?

Just send it all over the place!

Nobody will know.

Just kind of...

(tires screeching)

(alarm blaring)

(workers clamoring)

Oh...

Yeah, it's so crazy.

I saw that.

Hey, Frank.

Sweet hat and jacket.

Don't.. Charlie, don't sit there.

Huh?

Sit back there.

We got to be smart about this.

Yeah, all right.

Why didn't we just meet back at the apartment then?

That would've been better.

Because you got me thinking about fish.

Oh, right, nice. Yeah.

Get the snapper. It's delicious.

Mmm.

Hi. How can I help you?

Oh, perfect.

You're here now, too.

You're talking to me like you know me.

Have we ever met?

Let's just move past this part. What can I get you?

I'm gonna have the snapper.

And I'm gonna buy one for the strange man behind me who I've never met.

Gentlemen, I hate to inform you two... strangers here that we are out of snapper.

We had some issues with our local supplier, so we are completely out of fish today.

How do you not have fish?!

It says "Fresh fish daily" on the menu.

Well, I just explained it.

I went step by step.

But how come you don't have it? It's on the menu!

For the reasons I said.

You have no snapper?!

There's a sequence of events...

It says right here snapper...

Do you have fish or do you not have fish?

Can I get you a non-fish entree?

You can get lost.

With pleasure.

All right, so... what did you find out?

I think I know what those guys are up to.

Can I just sit over there?

'Cause I feel like the cover's blown now, and now I have to go like this...

All right, sit over here.

Yeah, you know...

I think I know what they're up to.

Okay, what?

I think Mac and Dennis are going into business with the Chinese guys across the street.

What?

They're gonna open up some kind of pastry factory!

What? What makes you think that?

I saw it on their search history.

Only two words came up.

"Asians..." and "cream pies."

Oh, sh*t.

They're gonna turn Paddy's into some kind of Asian cream pie factory!

Those bastards!

Yeah!

Oh, my God!

Sons of b*tches!

So, what are we gonna do?

We got to b*at them at their own game.

Okay, the Chinese want cream pies, they'll get cream pies.

But only, they're not gonna get them from those bozos.

They're gonna be getting their cream pies from us.

(Charlie laughs)

Mac: Can I go now?

Because I feel like you had a really long session last time.

I did, yeah, I went on for a long, long time, but that's how much it takes, all right?

I'm trying to build up to something, to-to a major finish, you know?

And-and I didn't get to because Charlie interrupted us with his g*dd*mn emergency lunch.

What are you doing?

I really don't want to stumble across whatever it is that you're stumbling across.

Let me finish.

Wait, no, this... we got a problem here.

What?

The Internet's not working.

What?

No...

No!

(phone ringing) Come on!

What is it, Charlie?

We're in the middle of a crisis.

Trouble getting online?

Yeah.

How did you know that?

We need to talk.

Hi, how can I help...

Oh, you're back.

Why do you look familiar to me?

I'm the waiter you didn't tip earlier.

Yeah, well, you're not gonna get tipped again with that attitude.

(Dennis and Mac laugh)

We'll take the snapper.

Uh, this guy, too.

He's-he's with us.

Well, as I told this gentleman only moments ago, we are out of fish today.

We came to Guigino's for the fish.

It says "Fresh fish daily."

Uh, you know what, Dennis?

I'll have a plate of piping hot spaghetti instead.

Extra sauce.

(Dennis sighs)

All right. You know what?

That sounds good.

I'll-I'll take spaghetti, too.

Nice and sloppy.

So you do remember me.

Uh...

We're busy! Okay?

Can we get spaghetti?

He wants spaghetti.

I want spaghetti, too, please.

He's gonna get spaghetti.

Just get us the spaghetti.

And some snapper fish, if you have it.

Yeah.

Thank you, thank you...

What's that guy's attitude?

I don't know what that guy's deal is.

Hey, you know what we should do?

We should tie his shoelaces together.

(laughter)

Classic!

When he falls, it'll spill all over.

Yeah, the spaghetti will get on him!

Oh, I've always wanted to see that.

Hey, can I come sit with you guys?

'Cause I feel my cover's blown, here.

You don't have a g*dd*mn cover; you're, uh, dressed like it's Halloween.

Come over here.

All right, I'm coming over.

All right.

Now, what's going on, man?

What's going on?

Listen, Frank's onto you.

That's why I had Dee's Internet shut down.

He knows what you're doing.

Oh, come on.

Frank knows what we're doing?

Yes!

(Dennis sighs)

And honestly, guys, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Really.

What? I'm not ashamed.

I'm a little bit ashamed, but I think that's natural.

Well, look, here's the thing.

Now Frank wants to start doing it, too.

So what?

So what? Let him do it.

Well, he wants me to do it with him.

I assumed you two did that already.

Me, too.

No!

And now he wants us to do it with the Chinese guy across the street, so I knew you wouldn't be into that.

Well, no, I'm not into that.

That's bizarre.

Exactly.

I feel like I should be doing it with you guys.

Ah...

Come on, man.

This is getting weird and messy.

I-I don't want to get you involved.

Come on, guys.

There's too many people.

Just go do it with Frank.

I know... okay, well, is Dee in on it?

Ew!

God, no!

Why would we... ugh.

That's why she's at the factory, to distract her.

Come on, guys.

It should be you and me, okay?

I like cream pies as much as the next guy.

Oh, shh... don't-don't say it out loud.

Well, okay, okay, okay.

Let me make a... cream pie... for you, okay?

Then you can try it.

See what you think.

I do not want to taste your cream pie.

They taste great, I can guarantee it.

(Dennis gasps)

You've tasted yours?

Of course I have.

Haven't you?

No!

I've tasted mine.

I didn't like it.

I've tasted mine, yeah.

I-I liked mine.

Whatever, dude.

If you don't care about the taste, fine, all right?

But they're not just gonna be for us anyway.

It's not... what?

What?

We're gonna sell them to everyone in Philly.

Who the hell's gonna want to buy them?

Everyone's gonna want to buy them, everyone loves them, especially little kids.

Ew... dude!

Little kids?

I'd love watching a kid do it.

Dude, you are gonna get in a lot of trouble.

Hell no, dude.

It's not like I'm gonna do it without the parents' permission, I'll do everything...

Oh!

No parent is gonna let you...

Where are you gonna go?

The parents are gonna watch.

They're gonna be so psyched...

They're gonna want to watch!

What are you talking about?

Oh, we got to go overseas for that. That's just...

No.

No, you don't.

That's as American as it gets.

Guys, you gotta think about this as a business venture, right?

The three of us combine our ingredients, making, like, one gigantic, delicious cream pie, some little kid sucking it down and he's paying us for the pleasure.

Hang on a second.

What kind of cream pie are you talking about?

What... kind of cream pie are you talking about?

♪ ♪

Cream pies.

Everyone loves them.

Comedians, baseball players, even protestors.

Cream pies are a rich American tradition and also delicious.

Mmm, my mouth's getting wet just watching her eat that cream pie.

Asians know electronics.

And fish.

But Americans know cream pies-- except for them.

God bless cream pies, and God bless America.

And China, too.

♪ ♪

Look, I'm an experienced businessman with a long history in Asian countries.

Imagine my cream pie taste and know-how combined with your underpaid labor force.

We could corner the cream pie market!

(phone ringing)

Wait, wait just a second.

It's, uh... it's my business partner.

Hello?

I'm in the middle of the meeting now.

The video k*lled.

What do you mean, it's not the same kind of cream pie?

Oh, wait, I'll look.

♪ ♪

(woman speaking indistinctly)

Holy sh*t!

Holy sh*t... (screams)

(alarm blaring)

Well, it looks like relying on old Dee really paid off for you guys after all, huh?

What are you talking about?

Wh... my series of accidents shut the whole factory down for, like, a couple days.

Dee, we never asked you to shut down the factory.

Yeah, that's what's been driving up the price of fish.

Yeah, snapper's way up.

Snapper's through the roof.

Snapper's through the roof!

We're out of snapper, Dee!

Look, you see, I told you you can't count on her.

Oh, and by the way, we stole our Wi-Fi from that place, too.

Did you know that?

Oh, so now we got no Wi-Fi because of you.

Actually, we're pretty dependent on that Chinese factory.

We need the Chinese, Dee, we need the...

Yeah, for the cream, for the cr...

Don't-don't...

All right, guys, you know what?

She seems fine and I'm not worried about her.

Let's-let's go discuss our research a little bit further, yeah?

Ooh, for what, for what?

For one of our next schemes?

Yeah. Yeah.

For the next scheme, Dee.

Uh, we'll be in touch.

Oh. You guys could just do that here, you...

Wait, I can call for more chairs!

Please don't leave!

I'm very bored in here!

Listen, guys, uh, first of all, I'm gonna suggest that we reset our browser each time we do a research session.

That's a good idea.

For privacy.

Right.

Yeah, and, you know, we're spying on ourselves.

That doesn't really gather any useful information.

Huh, just old p*rn.

Right, we should keep spying on the Chinese.

Actually, when I was over there I looked at your search history.

It's all p*rn too. - Is it?

Ugh, we're all doing it.

I think what you're gonna find when you're spying on the general population is that everyone is just, uh... masturbating, constantly.

I know I am.

(Dennis laughs)

And yet you've never heard of a cream-pie.