02x05 - All the Single Ladies

[bunniefuu]

I can't believe you got us working the g*dd*mn night shift, Brian.

It's essential to my training.

Night shift sucks.

Too many drunks and none of them are me.

Can't bring me down, guys.

Tonight we are saving lives in the dark.

Oh, my God, Brian, look at you... you're so excited.

Can you tell?

Brian, if you had a tail, it'd be wagging right now.

I can't believe you let this sh*t happen, mousse.

You do realize... Of course I realize.

What?

Big sports week.

Not big, colossal.

Three major professional athletic seasons intersect this week... Only happens twice a year.

Really?

Uh, yeah, really.

'Cause of you, we're missing five of the best games all year.

Five.

Five.

You guys ever think maybe you shouldn't place so much of your life happiness on games other people play?

No.

I don't understand the question.

All right, who wants to get their drink on and responsibly take public transportation home?

I would like that. I would like that very much.

You would like that? Would you like that?

Would you?

Pick me.

Have fun, guys.

See ya later.

Bye.

You fellas have a good evening.

Go, just go. God.

Hey, day-pussies, welcome to the night.

What's up, Dinero?

There's only one thing you all need to know.

There are six ice-cold black cherry sodas in the fridge, and if any of you touches one, you won't live to see your precious sun.

Black Cherry sodas.

That's what I like about you, Dinero, always keeping it old school.

I told you before, Dinero's not my g*dd*mn name.

It's Luis.

Right. Sorry, Dinero... Luis.

Stupid mouth.

Thank you.

[Hip-hop music]

[g*nshots]

Was that a g*nsh*t?

Yeah, Brian, it was a g*nsh*t in Chicago at night.

What'd you think this was gonna look like?

I don't wanna say.

Well, now you gotta say.

Let me preface this by saying that I had three cups of tea trying to reset my circadian rhythm for the night...

Oh, spit it out.

The Thriller video, I thought it'd be like the Thriller video with a touch of Smooth Criminal, which is not that crazy because the song was originally called Chicago 1945.

I remember that video.

Michael Jackson had the Tommy g*n, right?

Yeah, he had that cool lean.

You know you tried that lean.

Dude, I could do that lean right now.

No way, bro. He had special shoes.

What, you saying my shoes ain't special?

Not that special.

[Siren wails]

All right, boys in blue.

Wow.

It's only 8:15.

Yep.

Hey, 14, I'm one Black Cherry short.

Hey, Dinero, wasn't me. Was it you, Johnny?

Certainly not.

How about you, Brian?

Oh, hey, what's that sound?

It sounds like it's coming from Brian's bag.

Brian, what's rattling around in your bag?

Both: Oh!

Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no!

I didn't put it there. I was framed.

Hey, we found it, Dinero.

I don't wanna name names 'cause we all in it together, but it was Brian.

You better not open it, son.

[Soda can opens]

Brian!

He brazen.

No, no, I'm not that brazen.

Listen, Luis, please.

I'll deal with you later, vato.

[Slurps]

[Laughs]

Mmm.

Oh, my God, what does vato mean?

Relax, it means "dude."

I like that.

My first night shift and I already have a k*ller nickname.

Vato wants a hit of that Black Cherry.

Night shift.

Whoa, packs a wallop.

Ambulance needed, 625 Valtierra Street.

Ambulance 14 responding. What we looking at?

I couldn't tell you. There was a lot of screaming.

Buckle up, Bri. You got your night shift.

[Siren wailing]

This doesn't look so bad.

[Knocking on door]

[Children screaming]

[Dog barks]

Whatever's on the other side of this door is your fault, Brian.

[Door opens]

They're here.

We're not supposed to let strangers in.

Ooh, they're cute.

Uh, is somebody hurt, girls?

Caitlyn's mom is dying.

Shut up, MacKenzie.

She's not dying. She just tripped.

Don't be so emo.

That sound she made, it's the exact same sound my grandpa made when he d*ed.

Both: Okay.

Can you tell me where she is?

My mom's in the kitchen.

Right this way?

Where's the kitchen at?

Through here?

Right over there.

Take a left.

Okay.

Could you just watch them, just 45 minutes?

I understand. Look...

Oh, the paramedics are here. I gotta go.

Hi, hi, I'm Sheila.

Hi, Sheila, what happened?

Oh, my wrist.

I, um, I'm such a klutz.

I... I was carrying the karaoke machine, and I guess I just slipped on some ice cream.

Zoe.

Yeah, ma'am, looks like you have a fracture.

We're gonna have to take you to the hospital.

I don't have anyone to watch the kids.

Is this something that I could just put off until tomorrow?

Aren't you in a lot of pain right now?

Not nearly as much as the last three years.

I'm joking... ah!... ish.

We're gonna put an air cast on this just to stabilize it, but then we gotta take you in.

All right, okay, um, I'm sorry, girls, it looks like the slumber party is over.

Everyone needs to call their parents.

[All protesting]

Mom, please, it's my birthday.

I've been waiting for forever for tonight.

I'm really sorry, sweetie.

I thought 11 was going to be different, but it's just more of the same.

It's exactly like when we had to go home from Jodi's sleepover.

That was so lame, it ruined her.

Who's Jodi?

Exactly.

Okay, I can get you in and out of city hospital in an hour.

These guys can watch your girls for you.

What?

Great idea.

Johnny and the vato will take care of it.

No, no, no, I'm not watching a bunch of little girls.

Yeah, I don't know.

They work in an ambulance, Mom.

They're like the safest people on the whole planet you could leave us with.

All: Yeah!

And Johnny's girlfriend's a cop, so...

What's her name?

Is she pretty?

Oh, so pretty, so pretty.

Okay.

[All cheering]

Yeah!

Yes!

Thank you. This is so nice of you guys.

Oh, no, absolutely.

Thank you.

I'm hungry.

Oh, um, hey, can I have a word with you for a second?

Brian, will you get this young lady something to eat?

Hope you like grilled cheese. It's my specialty.

Thank you so much. This is so nice of you guys.

No.

Come on, man.

This woman's clearly on her own. You know how hard that can be.

Yeah, but why do you get to take her?

Seniority.

Oh, please.

Reparations.

That's why I give you rides to the airport.

I helped you move into your new place.

I gave you pizza and beer.

Since when did people decide that pizza and beer was enough of a thank-you for helping someone move?

It's not enough. It's never been enough.

Come on, Sheila. Let's get you to the hospital.

Don't let them eat anything with tree nuts.

Like, three of them are allergic.

And don't let them watch any R-rated movies.

Uh, what about sports?

Which sport?

Hockey.

Okay.

Caitlyn, you be on your best behavior.

Promise.

Okay. All right.

So did anybody here like the movie Frozen?

[All screaming]

[Door opens]

[Laughs] Yeah.

[Door closes]

We're gonna have quite a night.

[Siren wails]

This is nice.

Huh?

I haven't been out past 9:00 P.M. without my kid in years.

Mm.

Let alone with a handsome man.

Gay.

What?

Gay. I'm gay.

Gay, gay, gay.

Really gay.

Oh, that is even better. [Laughing]

Oh, to be honest, I was already a little exhausted just getting up the nerve to hit on you.

Besides, I am so in the market for a gay best friend right now.

Not that type of gay.

What?

Not a girl's gay. Look.

I'm flattered, but I promise you, I'm not what you're looking for.

I do not go dancing. I do not go shopping.

I do not watch Dance Moms and make bitchy comments.

What is your stance on wine tastings?

Beer.

Just checking.

You know, I used to have a ton of gay best friends.

In college, I had, like, three.

And then they all drop you when you get married.

I bet they all showed up to the wedding, though.

They were in every g*dd*mn picture.

Mm-hmm, typical.

[Vocalizing]

Great cartwheel, Caitlyn.

Nailed that high note, MacKenzie, I'm serious.

Johnny! Johnny, over here!

Johnny, look here!

That's cool.

Johnny, you're supposed to watch the show.

These girls are performing their hearts out for you.

So are the Backhawks. They're up two to one.

Can I braid your hair?

No.

You can braid my hair.

Uh, Johnny's hair is way prettier.

Mine has more body.

Okay, everybody, the next act in the show is going to be...

Beyonce!

Great, wonderful. Which song?

Maybe a little Single Ladies, perhaps?

[Laughing] That song came out when we were, like, born.

Drunk In Love.

Yeah,Drunk In Love, and I'm Beyonce.

It's my house. I get to be Beyonce.

It is her house, Susan.

I could be Beyonce.

Okay, you can't always be Beyonce just because you're black.

That's r*cist.

Well, maybe you're r*cist because you think I only wanna be Beyonce because I'm black.

You're r*cist because you think I think that.

Maybe Beyonce's black and white, like Obama, so you're both r*cist!

Beyonce is black.

Johnny, which one of us is r*cist?

You can... you can all be r*cist or Beyonce.

Hell, you can be president. Dream big, girls.

Whoa, they can't all be Beyonce.

I mean, there's only one Beyonce.

Well, I have the most dance experience.

Tap doesn't count.

Again, it's my house and my birthday.

[Overlapping arguing]

Brian, what is going on?

Um, I'm trying to put on a show.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna watch the game in the kitchen.

Call me if somebody draws blood.

[Arguing continues]

Maybe we should have some Beyonce tryouts, girls.

All: Not now!

Okay, okay, sorry.

Don't worry, I'm gonna pull some strings and get you back home before you know it.

And while we're at it, maybe we can find you a new best friend.

A lot of gay men at this hospital.

At all hospitals, actually.

Yeah, why is that?

Grey's Anatomy. Hey, Carlos!

Now, that's Carlos, former competitive ballroom dancer.

Promising.

Lives to shop, just an okay kisser...

Not that that's relevant to you.

I just want someone who can make me feel like a woman again, you know?

Hmm, no.

Like sometimes, I wanna be whisked away.

Hi, pretty lady.

Looks like you're my V.I.P. tonight.

[Gasps] It's already happening.

Mm-hmm. I got faith.

[Laughter]

Make 'em stop laughing at us.

Okay, yeah, girls, that does sound like mean laughter, okay?

Well, they're tattletaling.

That's... that's true, so one demerit for each.

So moving forward, girls.

Brian, make them share the nail polish with us.

It's not fair.

I don't have to share my personal nail Polish with anyone if I don't want to... It's the law.

Susan, please.

Too bad being a bitch isn't against the law.

All: Ooh!

Nope, no, no, no, okay, uh, how about we play light as a feather, stiff as a board, huh? Right?

Or we could make friendship bracelets.

Don't be so lame, Brian.

[Sighs]

Johnny?

They're turning on each other, John.

Hang in there, man. It's tied in the third period.

You can cut the tension with a Kn*fe in here, John.

You're fine!

Oh! No! Oh, hey!

No, no, no, you with the remote, come back here!

Oh, no!

[Girls giggling]

[Groans]

Okay, okay, I'm calling for backup.

This is... ow, ow! Ow, ladies, that's really tight.

That's... ow! Ow!

Is this funny?

[Cell phone rings]

Hey, Mousse, it's me.

No can do. We're playing darts.

Your girlfriend is on my team, and she is throwing fire.

Theresa!

Nailed it!

I know this sounds totally crazy, but I almost feel like Carlos gave me too many compliments.

Oh, you are not crazy.

There is nothing emptier than a compliment from a gay man to a straight woman he just met.

And again, tell me if I'm wrong here, but I just felt like he was talking so much about himself.

Oh, I know. It's like, "Hello.

There are other people in the room."

[Scoffs]

I just don't know that I can handle someone who takes up that much emotional space.

Well, you said you wanted a gay best friend, right?

Yeah, but I already have one ten-year-old girl in my life, you know?

Point taken.

Forget Carlos.

Yeah, forget Carlos.

You know who you're going to like?

One of the X-ray techs, Adam.

Hey, Hank. How's it going, buddy?

Uh, no offense, Auggie, but could you send Adam in?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I got it. Adam?

Well, what's his deal? He was cute.

Not gay. Only dates Jewish girls.

Oh.

But you're gonna like Adam.

I mean, not the most traditional choice, but he's interesting, funny, kind of nerdy, but, you know, cute...

Oh, I resent that, Hank.

[Whispering] Loving Adam.

Yeah, there's a lot to love.

Well, obviously, they can't all be Beyonce.

Obviously.

Brian's trying to distract them right now with a game of Truth or Dare.

Are you guys stupid?

Truth or Dare is the worst possible thing that you could do with a group of girls who are mad at each other.

What?

Hell, with a group of girls who like each other.

Friendships end because of that game.

I thought you all just dared each other to call boys and then got in pillow fights.

Oh, I know you don't understand this because you are a guy, but sleepovers are the real deal.

It's like Judge Dredd, you know, everyone's trying to climb the social ladder before the sun rises.

One's just staring at me.

I don't even know how long she's been there.

She's looking into my soul, T.

[Laughs]

I need you.

Oh, suck it up.

Okay, okay.

We got the door.

We'll be right back in a second.

It all happened so fast.

[Both laughing]

Johnny!

Johnny, over here!

Okay, we'll be right there in a second!

[Laughs]

Oh, my God, you guys look like Katy Perry got knocked up by a slutty My Little Pony.

Yeah, well, it was the only thing that kept them from fighting.

So they're in there. Go.

Okay, but what are they fighting about?

Oh.

Uh...

The little one was pissed.

The little one... yeah.

You guys don't know, do you?

No.

They all talk really fast.

And really high.

Mm-hmm.

Like dolphins.

Come on.

If you guys just took a second to actually listen to them, then you'd know how this started and you'd know how to end it.

Forget it. I'm wasting my breath.

I'm just gonna go in there and sort this out.

Please.

[Door opens]

[Sighs]

[Indistinct chatter]

[Door closes]

Yo, that color really makes your eyes pop.

Did you do that?

No, Billy, the girls did.

Dang, some really good contouring, bro.

[Door opens]

Okay, so I figured out the problem.

Susan's a bitch.

All right, Sheila, that is the last time I pump you with low doses of deadly radiation, I swear.

It's like you can see right through me, Adam.

And you know what I see?

A broken woman.

Actually, just a broken radius and ulna.

The rest of you seems really great.

Thank you, Adam.

Now, that is a sincere compliment.

Maybe the two of you can get coffee sometime.

I disagree.

Oh.

I think we should skip the coffee and go straight to cocktails.

Oh. [Laughs]

I'm gonna write my number down for you right now.

That would be great.

[Whispers] My God, he's so perfect.

Glad I could help.

Call me.

Great.

Now let's get you in a cast and get you home for your daughter.

Okay.

You have kids?

Just one, Caitlyn, she's really...

I'm sorry, kids are a deal breaker for me.

Children are just...

We wouldn't have to hang out with her.

You wouldn't even have to meet her.

Sheila, don't.

Okay.

Come on, let's go.

There are a lot of nice gay doctors on duty.

Why did you have to bring up the kid?

I'm just saying, I don't have a problem with Susan.

You don't know her, Johnny.

She acts all nice when you're around.

Yeah, I'm not surprised by that.

She's just like Maeve.

She's that girl who'll steal your boyfriend and then change her entire personality to fit whatever's popular.

She's ten, and you were with her for a minute.

It doesn't matter.

There's always a Susan, trust me, all throughout history.

Marie Antoinette, total g*dd*mn Susan.

See, I think you're bringing some of your personal stuff into this situation.

Hey, I cannot believe that you are taking her side.

I'm not taking her side.

I'm just saying that maybe Susan and her friends were a little defensive because...

And I'm only quoting Emma here... "You strolled in here like you thought you were everything."

Which one's Emma, huh, the little blonde slut?

Whoa.

Oh, God.

You guys are so blind.

Susan has completely h*jacked this sleepover and created a toxic environment.

It is Caitlyn's house.

It is Caitlyn's birthday.

So she keeps saying. It's like, "we know."

Jackpot, found the hooch.

Oh, no, no, no, we're gonna get in trouble.

So we'll add water later. No one will know.

But, Maeve.

Don't be lame, Brian.

You know what? I'm gonna go talk to her.

To Susan? What are you gonna say?

Yeah, I don't know, but I'm gonna figure it out.

Is Theresa being uncool at a slumber party? Shocker.

Whatever, you were the one that used to call dad to pick you up before midnight, and guess who had to go too because he didn't want to make two trips.

I have tried to explain this to you.

Leaving a slumber party early is a power move.

This is why you weren't cool in middle school.

You know what I'm gonna tell Susan?

Hmm?

I'm gonna tell her to come in here and look at her future.

You are being such a Caitlyn right now.

You ruined middle school for me.

Your unibrow ruined middle school for you.

Well, I don't have a unibrow now.

It is b*rned into your soul.

We are all still who we were in middle school.

You're still uncool, Brian's still lame, Johnny's still a weirdo, and I'm still dating the hottest guy in the room.

Oh, thanks, babe.

Yo, y'all ready to see the show?

They put the show together?

Well, I helped them a little bit.

Oh.

That's... that's fine. That's great.

I'm just happy the show's happening.

Yeah, these girls are so sweet.

Guess what. They picked me to be Beyonce.

They keep calling me Billyonce, yo.

Aw.

Should've been Lily.

Why, 'cause she's... [Mouths word]

No, because I think she's got the chops.

Come on, man, you and I both know that ain't true.

Yeah.

Thank you so much for tonight.

I would say "let's do it again sometime," but...

I'm sorry it didn't pan out with the doctor.

Guess I should've checked to see if he was actually gay first.

Honestly, I was offended by how much he was offended.

I know.

Anyway, I'm sorry we didn't get you a gay best friend.

It's fine.

It just sucks being a single parent sometimes.

You never get the chance to have fun, so then no one thinks you're fun, and then no fun ever happens.

Mm.

My kid thinks I'm the least fun person on the planet.

Okay, I just wanna state, for the record, that gay men are not human accessories.

We do not exist to fill the fun hole in straight women's lives.

Jesus.

Okay, I got it.

I will not look to gay men to fill any of my holes.

[Both laughing]

Okay, okay, here's the deal.

I won't do any of that other gay sh*t with you, but I do like brunch.

I love brunch.

Five, a-six, a-five, a-six, a-seven, eight.

And slide and slide.

And body roll, body roll, and slide and slide.

And body roll, body roll.

And roll it and roll it.

And freestyle time, a-freestyle time, let me see your hips moving freestyle time.

A-freestyle time, okay.

[Laughs]

[Gasps]

Mom, you're back!

Hey, you know, your mom's a total rock star.

You know she broke her arm in two places?

Ew, gross.

All: Whoa!

Hey, who wants to sign Caitlyn's mom's cool cast?

All: Me!

Caitlyn, you get the glitter.

I'll get the markers.

Okay.

Well, I see Susan's put herself in charge again.

Right?

There's always a Susan.

Word.