01x04 - Series 1, Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

(siren wails in distance)

(door shuts)

(slight rattling)

(pants anxiously)

Jesus, f*ck!

Eddie!

Christ! What are you doing?

What am I doing? What the f*ck are you doing?

Happy birthday.

I want my keys back.

Banana!

You're out of coffee.

Yeah, I know.

Listen, Eddie, you can't keep doing this.

Doing what?

Letting yourself in.

No, look, yeah, today was a bit early...

That's not what I'm saying.

It doesn't matter what time it is, it's not OK.

You gonna open it?

Wow! Thanks. Thanks very much.

Not seen it, have you?

No.

Blow your mind.

Didn't your brother give you this last Christmas?

What are you doing tonight? Do you fancy a few birthday drinks?

I've got a date.

Oh, right.

Great.

Yeah.

It is.

So when can I meet him?

Eddie!

Oh, come on! I'm joking.

Keys.

(door shuts)


Music: Little Numbers by Boy

♪ Waited for your call and for the moon ♪
♪ To release me from the longest afternoon ♪
♪ I've rearranged parts of my living room ♪
♪ But time is hard to k*ll since I met you ♪
♪ I'm looking at the cars that drive on by ♪
♪ Red cars are quite rare, I realise ♪

(beeping)

Hello-oh!

Mum?

Hello!

Can you see us?

No.

(breaking up) We can see you!

Hello?

Hello?

Mum, can I call you later? I'm late for work.

Oh, OK, just...

I'll call you later, I promise.

OK.

Love you.

Bye!

She'll call back later.

(giggling outside)

I don't know. Maybe dinner or something?

Oi!

Oh, gotta go.

I was just talking to my nan.

Your nan?

Yeah.

She's got colon cancer.

Grace... go home.

What?

You're clearly distressed, you should be with your nan.

Hang on...

Really. We'll cope.

We'll be fine. We'll see you tomorrow.

Sorry we can't pay you, but you should go and be with her.

Yes, sir.

Guys, table 7's been waiting for 15 minutes, can we make them a priority?

Is everything OK for you?

Yes.

Is everyone OK for wine?

Is everything OK?

Mmm! Oh, yes. Thank you.

He's just nipped out... to phone his fiancée.

Well, it's none of my business.

It's a long story. It's not as bad as it looks. Promise.

Can I get you another?

Yeah, yeah, good plan. We'll need it.

I'll have someone send over your wine. Excuse me.

All right?

(Eddie, get out!)

Yeah, I...

I just wanted to say sorry for this morning.

Apology accepted, now f*ck off.

You, er...

You look amazing.

Shut up!

You look all right.

Oh, charming!

Bold choice of cardigan.

Is it?

You look lovely.

All right!

What are you doing here?

You all right, mate?

You dropped this in the street.

I tried shouting you, but you, you had your... things in.

That's not my wallet.

What?

Is it not?

Sorry... who are you?

Eddie... I'm a friend of Helen's.

You?

Ross.

Ross.

Right, nice to meet you, Ross.

Don't mind, do you? Not had me tea.

Hang on.

Excuse me, mate.

You using this chair?

Cheers.

Right, no!

Sorry, just while I get me breath back.

Treating her well, then, Ross?

What?

Birthday sushi.

These are all right.

That's a nice top.

It's amazing, isn't it?

You just wouldn't know, would you?

What are you doing?

Did she tell you from the off?

That she used to be a bloke?

Yeah.

She did.

It's best to deal with the big stuff straight up, isn't it?

I mean, I told her I was a blue.

We nearly fell out.

Do you want to f*ck off, then?

I really like you.

You know that.

But?

There is no but.

Not about you.

Eddie... whatever that is.

It seems a bit unfinished.

It's not, it's...

It isn't. It's... just...

I don't know, I think...

Give me a call when it definitely is.

I'll get that.

f*cking prick!

All right, Helen?

All right, Kal? You're a f*cking prick.

Calm down.

You f*cking coward.

What's he done?

Not much, Darren... just been letting himself into my flat.

Watching me whilst I sleep.

Possibly w*nk*ng into my slow cooker.

Oi!

I mean, I just don't know.

I never did that.

It's over, Ed, all right? We're done.

I know we are... we're mates.

Like f*ck, are we mates!

Look, I'm sorry.

You know I like Ross. I really like him.

Yeah, I know you do.

He's kind. He's funny. He doesn't take himself too seriously.

He's got a good command of grammar which is a f*cking novelty.

Piss off!

But most refreshingly, he doesn't need Viagra before he takes me to bed.

(bouncers snigger)

f*ck... you.

You know what?

It's really boring being someone's fetish.

(text alert)

(phone vibrates)

(text alert)

(phone chimes)

(breathes heavily)

(computer beeps)

(computer chimes)

(computer chimes repeatedly)


Eddie: f*cking hell, look at that. Look at that beauty.

Gorgeous...

Helen. Hels, oh, my God...

Lie back, lie back on the bed.

That's it, that's it.

Take your robe off a little bit. Yeah.

(laughter on video)

Oh, babe, babe...

(helen vomits)

(helen sobs)

(silent)

Music: If I Had A Heart by Fever Ray

(echoing laughter)

Watch out!

f*ck's sake!

Hi.

Helen!

What are you doing?

What?

You're not rota-ed on.

Since when?

sh*t.

Look... I'm sorry to say this, but as you're here, I'm going to have to tell head office about the...

About your tape.

Why?

They need to know. You liaise with the public, it could impact on our image. You never know.

But it's, it's nothing, it's just a silly... it's a bog-standard...

Helen, having a sex tape online isn't bog-standard.

I'm sorry.

It's private... please.

It's hardly private any more, is it?

Since you're here, why don't you make yourself useful?

Call the warehouse about this week's wine.

Thanks.

Are you OK?

I'm sure not everyone's watched it.

Not the whole way through.

You look good, you know.

I thought you'd have scars and sh*t.

Excuse me.

(phone rings)

(computer chimes)

(phone rings)

(mobile phone rings)

(sounds merge and intensify)

(knock on door)

(knocking continues)

Look, whoever it is, just f*ck off, all right?


Woman: Helen?

(knocking continues)

Have you seen it?

When did you get those?

Don't.

Did you go to the police?

Course I did.

What did they say?

Nothing, what can they do?

What were you thinking?

Love.

Mum, please.

Am I out of touch?

Am I?

Is this just what... what people do now?

Fiona.

I mean, at first, I thought he must have tricked you into it.

That's what we said, wasn't it?

I was convinced.

But then you realise... no, no!

This is...

This is you, you know he's filming, you want to.

I mean, we didn't watch it, I only saw the beginning when it popped up, I didn't know what...

Christ!

But clearly, you wanted...

Shut up! Just shut up!

Don't tell me to shut up.

Do you have any idea what this feels like?

Knowing that you've seen this, that you've seen me...

That... f*ck.

That Arnie... Oh, Jesus, f*ck, everyone's seen me.

I didn't watch it.

No, but all your friends did.

Fi!

I'm so sorry, Arnie.

I spend my life worrying about you.

My bloody life.

And I try not to...

I don't know... pressure you, make you tell me what's going on. Course not... you're an adult, apparently.

All I worry about is someone taking advantage of you, humiliating you, because people will... that's what they do, isn't it?

So, somehow, you prepare for that.

But then you go and... and hand it to someone... to Eddie... on a plate.

I'm going to k*ll him.

I swear to God... I'm gonna k*ll him.

I'll slit his f*cking throat.

Dad!

Alan!

Dad!

Dad!

(horn blares)

Dad!

For f*ck's sake!

(engine starts)

Dad! Stop! Just stop!

Get out the way, Helen!

Dad!

Dad!

(alarm chimes in car)

What?!

Your seatbelt's stuck in the door.

I f*cking know it is!

You're not going to k*ll him.

Yes, I am!

You don't know where he lives.

(seat belt clicks, alarm stops)

(engine stops)

(helen sighs)

I'm so sorry, Dad.

Still, you know what?

What?

Every cloud, and all that.

What?

That's the first time you've lost your rag and not called me Ken.

(they laugh)

(he sighs)

You'll all get cancer.

Bugger off.

Arnie, can't you do something about this?

What?

I don't know. Your IT stuff.

Oh, yes.

Yes, he's got a computer prize... he's got a certificate.

Well, yeah, but...

Well, can't you, you know... hack in, get rid of it or something?

No.

I did try.

I'm not actually that good at all that stuff.

What about your prize?

I came third out of three.

We all got one.

(f*ck.)

What a c**t.

Mum!

Fi!

What?

He is.

And he'll get away with it.

I mean, I can't believe everyone...

Everyone.

And you lot.

I'm so sorry.

It's...

It's the worst thing.

Oh, come on... no, it's not.

What?

It really isn't.

What?

Watching your little boy be unhappy for 18 years.

That's worse.

I mean it... this is nothing.

Nothing to...

God, I don't know... watching you, down the bottom of the garden, wrapped in your little Batman cape, bawling your eyes out.

You just sat, under the slide.

And I watched you.

I couldn't do anything.

I just had... I don't know, I...

I knew I couldn't help with whatever it was after a while.

It was awful.

Wasn't it?

Yeah.

You know what?

That's bollocks.

What?

You always helped me.

Always. Every time.

All the times... all the firsts.

First tooth out, first nativity play, first sports day, first pet dying, first exam, first broken heart, first day at uni... all of them.

This is just the first time I've... let you help me, as your daughter.

Jill and Amy's parents just... disowned them, stopped talking to them, pretending they're dead.

And... you lot...

I can't f*cking get rid of you, can I?!

(they laugh)

I mean it.

You're wonderful.

Speaking of firsts... first sex tape, and you've all been very supportive.

You're a bloody idiot.

I know.

Mum!

What?

Oh!

Close your eyes.

(fiona laughs)

Oh, it's all squashed.

Alan!

What?

I told you not to drive so bloody fast!

Seems well stuck here...

Arnie, get the candles, go on.

Did you make it yourself?

Oh, did I buggery!

(voices fade)

(music: bloodflood by alt-j)