01x05 - Series 1, Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

Music: Overdone by Bombay Bicycle Club Banana!

Oh, for God's sake!

He's in a mood.

I think it's him.

Josh. 18, Law student, so he says. Can't get rid of him.

Oh, he looks nice.

Freddie said "Bye!", but he won't take the hint.

Just keeps sitting there, clinging on. Like a young version of you.

Oh, thank you very much!

Thursday afternoon, I need you out, OK? Stay out till about half six.

And you, Dean, both of you, I need the place to myself, Thursday, OK?

You're still here.

You all right? Good shower?

I'm late for work.

No, I won't stay for a coffee or anything cos I need to get the train.

Um... Got to go back for a mate's wedding. Oh, you should come.

I mean, she's piss poor, but there'll be at least one free drink.

No. Thanks. Er... you'd better go.

Oh, I phoned my phone from yours, so, um, I've got your number.

Bye.

See ya.

(Dean and henry laugh)

♪ I could bet all of the riches that I ever had ♪
♪ Rushing the night like a shark, babe ♪
♪ Would it be bad ♪
♪ If I had to set the alarm ♪
♪ Cos the thrills that are run up my back ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ You're like a wildfire ♪
♪ You got me rising high... ♪

Soph?

(She screams)

Oh!

Ah, look at your gay hair!

I know. So gay.

Did you... where's your suit?

Oh, it's at my mum and dad's.

Look.

Been wearing it all week. What do you think?

Where's mine?

You're so gay.

Hey, check it out...

Josh, meet the p*ssy Wagon.

p*ssy Wagon, meet Josh.

Oh, my God. Is that it?

And only 90 quid a day.

But just, you know, transfer me the money whenever.

What? I ain't... Why am I paying for it?

I don't even drive.
Because I'm getting married.

Yeah, and I'm a student.

Oh! You should have said.

That's why you left and never came back.

It was reading week, I had to read.

It was my hen night.

Yeah, and I sent you a card.

Yeah, from f*cking Moonpig!

Does Trisha McColl still work in the baker's?

Look, there she is.

With her bad skin and tepid sausage rolls.

Knob.

She was such a knob.

(Toots horn)

Hi!

Whoo!

(They laugh)

Remember when you kissed Anna Hall behind that tree in year seven?

D'you remember when you let Daniel Press finger you behind that tree in year seven?

Yeah.

Speaking of a cheeky finger... Meet Freddie.

Fuckable-Fred.

Do you actually know this one?

Yeah, I know him. Biblically.

We shagged last night.

Why are his eyes shut?

They're not. He's just messing around.

We're gonna go out properly when I get back.

Go for food and everything.

Where?

I dunno. Wherever.

Curry mile?

So, Luke Hulton sent me a Facebook message.

Asked me if I was going to the wedding.

Yeah.

We kinda hang out.

Why?

Dunno. Just do.

He's all right now.

I found that old conversation the other day.

The one where you told me you thought you liked him.

What you talking about?

And I found our old MSN conversations.

Hundreds of them. Thousands.

They must have saved automatically.

Oh, my God, are they cringe?

You know about my theory, don't you?

That all our generation can touch type because...

Yeah, I deleted them.

What? They were hell.

Soph, that's like deleting the history of us.

All those hours we spent talking.

Typing. Dissecting.

Black Friday, the time you crimped your hair, the time I bleached mine.

What was Black Friday?

Oh, you know what Black Friday was.

Those were our Nixon tapes.

Our Diana letters.

What if I wanted to write my autobiography?

That's prime source material, gone.

I've got to pick up the bridesmaids' presents.

I can give you a lift home if you want.

They'll wanna see you.

Come on, then, you vagabond.

I thought Marc was meant to be like a summer thing?

So did I. But he asked.

You didn't have to say yes.

You weren't there to stop me, were you?

You know after you've had sex with somebody and you... finish.

And you go into the bathroom and you just wish they'd leave, piss off so you can sleep in your own bed, alone?

The cum and run? Sure.

I don't get that with Marc.

And that's love, isn't it?

Really?

(Text alert)

Freddie?

Yeah.

♪ Faster, faster, you won't go far ♪
♪ Shouldn't leave, feeling faint ♪
♪ We both know why ♪
♪ You got to show me ♪
♪ Both knees, cold I lie ♪
♪ Hold me slowly ♪
♪ Hide me till I can fly... ♪

Both: Whoo!

♪ ... we can make time... ♪

Oh, my God, remember when Sarah Tandy kept telling everyone her cat was self-harming?

And then she started crying cos Mr Daniel told her off for lying!

Do you remember when Emily sh*t herself?

I had the norovirus.

And I didn't sh*t myself. I just...

All: Followed through!

I've got one. Sixth form prom after party... Bar Zinc.

Guys? Come on. That did not happen!

Yeah, it did! We were all there.

You went into a bar with a black man, and left with a different black man who you thought was the same black man!

It so did not happen!

I think I'm actually crying.

What's wrong with you?

I just don't think it's funny.

You thought it was funny in school.

It's not funny because it's r*cist.

Wait, I was trying to get with a black man, which is like, the complete opposite of r*cist.

Do you think it's r*cist?

Emily doesn't think it's r*cist.

Then...

Emily hasn't thought about it enough.

Josh.

Are you f*cking serious?

You don't have to be black to be offended by a r*cist slur.

So me trying to jump the bones of a black man, is now a r*cist slur?

Hey, guys.

Remember how I'm getting married tomorrow?

How's the law degree going?

Yeah. I mean, nobody really bothers in the first year...

Shame you didn't get into Oxford, though.

Still, it's good that you tried.

Guess who?

Uh, Bradley Cooper?

Ooh, better.

Leonardo DiCaprio?

Oh, better than him.

It's Jimmy Savile.

Marc, you remember Josh?

Of course, howdy.

Hey, Josh, what kind of a sausage makes school kids cry?

Josh? What kind of a sausage makes school kids cry?

I dunno.

A Savile-oyyy!

(Harriet laughs)

Good surprise, baby?

Good surprise.

We haven't ordered desserts yet.

It all looks so good. Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom!

Excuse me.

♪ What'll it be now, Mr Mole? ♪
♪ Whisper sloth in curls of smoke ♪
♪ Take a back seat ♪
♪ Or play pharaoh... ♪

What?

I don't even care if you call us r*cist, because I'm so obviously not.

But please don't be rude to Marc.

I'm not.

I don't care about... I haven't said anything to him.

He's my fiancé.

He's a d*ck.

What have I done wrong?

Seriously, what have I done to you?

I've got a job, a good job.

I'm getting married to a nice man. I'm nice to my friends.

I'm nice to you.

So, please, what have I done?

Nothing.

No. Come on. I've obviously done something.

I'm saying you've done nothing.

You work in Next.

You live in the same small town that you were born in.

And you marry the first guy who looks at you twice.

Whose name is Marc.

With a C.

Cos that's what they're always called. Marc.

Marriage, mortgage, maternity.

With Marc. f*ck off, Marc!

Why don't you f*ck off?

f*ck off back to Manchester and take your poncey, stupid hair with you!

Thanks for the lift.

No worries, buddy. See you in church.

Back in a sec.

That jumper I got you last year.

That was from Next.

Is that why you never wear it?

Maybe you shouldn't come tomorrow.

Fine. Whatever.

Good!

♪ Call it what you want ♪
♪ And maybe once or twice ♪
♪ The words rolled off your lips and ♪
♪ I was paralysed ♪
♪ What you want ♪
♪ What you want ♪
♪ Complete surrender ♪
♪ Can't help but ♪
♪ Can't help but ♪
♪ Can't help but hide it from you ♪
♪ Can't help but ♪
♪ Can't help but ♪
♪ Can't help but hide it from you ♪
♪ Two foolish figurines... ♪

Oh, f*ck's sake.

♪ ... Dancing on a disc ♪
♪ Welcomed with open arms ♪
♪ Baby, you knew the risk ♪
♪ Can't help but ♪
♪ Can't help but ♪
♪ Can't help but hide it from ♪
♪ You-ou-ou ♪
♪ You let me have your heart ♪
♪ And let me turn it over ♪
♪ Too-oo-oo ♪
♪ You knew this from the start ♪
♪ And yet you're happy to depart... ♪

Should have known you were back... crying buckets up there, she is.

Mum. It's OK.

It's got nothing to do with the fact it's from Next.

It's to do with the fact it's completely vile.

Tell me more things.

On a Monday, there's a night called The Pop.

Pound a pint.

Pound a sambuca.

I go out with 20 quid. Get titted.

Taxi home. And I've still got enough in the morning for a steak bake.

And no Trisha McColl.

Which is nice.

Are you asleep?

Soph?

How come you never ask me up?

You don't need an invitation.

Worried the old f*g hag would cramp your style?

No.

I just wanted to... settle in.

I know you get it. More than anyone, you get it.

But you can't get it completely.

And it's not... get the violin's out, woe is me.

It's just different.

And not good different.

And everyone says, "Oh, it's easy to be a little gay boy now, easier than it was."

But not always.

Not when you're me.

Not when there are people like Luke Hulton.

The boy you fancied.

The boy who bullied me.

I had to lie for 17 years.

Hey. Not to me, you didn't.

But, at university, it's not like that.

It just is. And it's amazing.

Still love you.

I love you too.

(Please don't do it.)

Don't do what?

Settle.

Why aren't you demanding more than mediocrity?

More than Marc.

I'm not settling for anything.

We're 18. You're 18.

People should still be asking you what you wanna be when you're older.

Soph?

You wanted to leave, to go to uni. And that's fine. That's great.

But I don't want the things you do.

Think of all the life you're gonna miss out on.

What about all the life you're gonna miss out on?

Your old mates. Your family.

Me.

I've not emigrated.

And anyway, I've got Freddie.

You've got the guy you met, what, once, twice?

Why are you being a prick?

I'm not... I'm being honest.

And I'm getting married, I'm not joining a convent.

I take your point, I do.

But I don't think I am missing out.

Missing out on what?

The coke sniffs, waking up to a different random every week.

I'm not exactly Pete Doherty, am I?

That week after my 16th, we baby-sat for your mum's friend, Helen, do you remember?

We went on MSN after.

And I said, "If we could skip the next 25 years and become them, Helen and her husband, me and you.

Live that life. That house, that money.

Would you do it?

With me?"

And what did you say?

I have no idea.

You said no, but I said yes.

Because that's what I want.

I want to marry someone.

I want to be with someone.

I don't want to be you.

I'm not asking you to be me.

But you said you wanted to be with SOMEONE.

What?

You said "someone".

But you didn't say Marc.

"My mum and dad hate each other.

But at least it's someone to go on holiday with."

That's what you're saying.

I'm not.

I'm not at all.

We need to go to sleep.

You've put on weight again.

And I didn't just say that to be a complete and utter c**t.

Then why did you?

Because you did the same when your dad d*ed.

The same when you were doing your GCSEs.

What does it mean?

It means you don't love him.

(Ringing tone)

Freddie: 'Hello?'

Freddie? Hey. It... It's me. Josh.

Yeah?

Did I leave my Young Person's Railcard at yours... ?

'Mate. Can you just... ' stop texting me and delete this number?

Fine.

Er, but I do actually need the Railcard because it's a third off...

(Call ends)

♪ As long as you take me there ♪
♪ Don't care if you're sure to come on in ♪
♪ As long as you're taking me there ♪
♪ If you roll the dice there's a chance ♪
♪ As long as you take me there ♪
♪ I don't even care about it ♪
♪ Just as long as you're taking me there ♪
♪ We could be ♪
♪ We could be ♪
♪ So long as you're taking me there... ♪

Can you go check for me?

Check that he's there?

Just go in. And check. And tell me. Please.

(Organ music)

What?

Nothing. He's inside.

Sophie, get in!

Hurry up.

Tell me.

He's wearing a kilt.

What have you said to her?

No.

No way, you're doing this.

Soph?

I don't know. OK?

I don't know.

Marc: I'm not looking. I promise.

This is you, this is.

What have you done? What have you said?

Baby? We're all ready to go in there.

Marc?

Marc, just look at me.

But what about the dress?

Thing is... you're nice... and lovely... and so sweet.

And, please, go to Playa de las Americas.

Don't waste the honeymoon.

Take Harriet.

Because I think she'd like that.

But I don't want to settle.

I don't want to settle for a man... in a kilt.

Get in.

Music: Fresh by Summer Camp

♪ I swear when I was young ♪
♪ Summers were full and fresh and long... ♪

Go! You m*therf*ckers, go! Yeah!

♪ ... I always said you were a different class ♪
♪ Blue eyes and a messed-up past ♪
♪ For every single promise I reneged ♪
♪ Every stupid word I wish I hadn't said ♪
♪ First love is the best love ♪
♪ First love is... ♪

I'm gonna have to buy new clothes.

I've got that ISA, I can use that.

Is there a Next in Manchester?

There'll be a Next in Manchester.

I might be able to transfer.

This is mad, this.

How are we gonna manage?

Is it a single or a double bed in your room?

You're not staying with me.