04x07 - The Next Olive Branch Goes Straight Up Your Ass

[bunniefuu]

(Phone rings)

Holy sh*t.

Marty: Previously on House of Lies...

There in the fine print, it clearly states that if the Gage stock price reaches $200 per share before our payday, we will be on the receiving end of a $9.2 million bonus.

Holy sh*t.

Doug: Kelsey said she made you an offer to come in-house for their company.

I am seriously considering it.

Why would you consider that?

Marty has asked me to leave once the Gage business is wrapped up.

Doug: No.

(School bell ringing)

Uh-uh.

Marty: Come on, let's play, um, what did I do today instead of going to school?

Roscoe: Did your parents know your every move when you were my age?

Marty: Definitely not.

Roscoe: You did what you wanted.

I want you to be happy.

But you're not happy.

Dad, you're having another kid.

You don't even acknowledge it.

Marty: Because 150 years from now, your company is not going to be smaller.

No.

It's going to be bigger.

f*cking huge, am I right, Jeannie?

100% Marty Kaan correct.

Clyde?

Never more correct than at this very moment.

Douglas.

Oh, hells yeah.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

You don't run from competition, no.

You crush it.

You wound it and intentionally leave it to be devoured by hungry demons from a hideous waking nightmare.

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

To die a slow and horrible death, watching as its own viscera is-is torn to shreds in a rabid feeding frenzy of hungry jackals.

You-you saw what we did for Gage Motors.

Well, we're gonna double down for blah, blah, blah incorporated.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, f*cking blah.

Am I right, gentlemen?

Mr. Kaan, I am so impressed by...

Now that we're off the sh*t list, we back to big balling, baby.

(Chuckles) Since we k*lled it at Gage Motors, it doesn't even matter what I say anymore.

Everybody just wants a piece of that Marty Kaan magic.

So what is this piece of business?

Who are they?

What's their corporate culture?

Will we land that precious 200k initial consult fee?

(Inhales deeply)

Who f*cking cares about any of it?

Because today, today is payday, m*therf*cker.

$2.5 million in fees and, thanks to Martymar keeping his pimp hand seriously strong and nailing that heretofore impossible to-hit Gage Motors $200 per share stock number, K and A is picking up an extra $9.2 million equity piece.

Oh.

It is the holy f*cking grail.

The ultimate score.

We are out of the woods and into the light.

(Elevator bell dings)

And payday, oh, is payback day.

(Groans)

Finally, we get to kick out these 20-year-old assholes who've been cluttering up our office.

Get out! Get the f*ck out!

Sue me if you don't like your lease terms.

Kick f*cking rocks.

I think I'm gonna hire a full-time chef.

Yeah, and a masseuse.

Pick up some associates, work them to death, make millions on the backs of their meager salaries.

Poach some senior talent from another struggling firm, grind our enemies and detractors into a bloody f*cking pulp.

In other words, business as usual.

So I'll show you my boards and explain what I'm doing with the discreet coding, and then we'll incorporate your "Journeyline" or whatever you call it.

You know what, I'm actually the Journeyline guy, so you don't have to look over there.

I still don't feel right about it.

Doug, it doesn't matter what you order for takeout.

Uh, I wish that were true.

See, the thing is, if we were in New York, it'd be a no-brainer, right?

Say it with me.

Szechuan.

Easy, but here, the Chinese takeout lacks a certain...

(Sputters) I don't know.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

Yeah, it matters, Clyde.

How does it matter, Doug?

"How does it matter?"

When we look back on the formation of this company, our first bouncing baby app, we're gonna say, "Hey, you remember when it all began and Doug ordered... mu gu gai pan?"

Which I would never do, by the way.

I mean, could you even...

Okay, I got to stop you right there.

First, please, shut the f*ck up.

Second, I have to go pick up my assh*le father at the assh*le airport in f*cking assh*le rush hour traffic.

So I am out.

Let's sh**t for tomorrow, okay?

Well, I need this to happen, so I'll be here unless Marty opens fire on us.

Doug, I trust your takeout instincts.

Really? Okay.

All right, whatever.

Just tell me where you land, okay?

I'm huge.

No, you're... exactly where you should be.

I just open my mouth and eat everything in my path.

What's up?

Look, I know things are awkward between us, and just everything, but we are taking off in a way that we haven't ever before.

The company, I mean.

And I really want to stay.

I know my payday will float me for a while, but I don't want that.

I want to double down.

I want to stay.

Well, that's not...

I mean, no.

I mean, at least until I'm a little less pregnant, so I could walk into a place and (chuckles) have kind of a sh*t at...

You didn't hear me?

I just, I just said no.

And since when did you saying no mean no in perpetuity throughout the universe?

Uh, since I said no when you asked me the last time, and I meant it.

You know what, I am a bloated Hindenburg full of hormones right now.

So I need you to f*cking hear me, Marty.

Okay?

I need two minutes of you just hearing me without you being a complete and total f*cking assh*le to me.

Do you think that's even possible?

For you to stop being such a f*cking assh*le and shaming me for even being alive?

I g... I don't know.

Two minutes, let's see. Go.

No! No. I just...

I just said you have to stop being such a m*therf*cking assh*le, and you're still being a m*therf*cking assh*le.

Will you calm down? Can you please, please, just stop?

I'm trying, Jeannie!

Okay, this is me trying right now.

f*ck.

(Sighs heavily)

(Sniffles)

Okay. (Clears throat)

(Sighs)

Great.

(Chuckles)

Now... have you forgotten that I am a 50% shareholder in this company?

No. Not at all.

Have you forgotten that you sent me to f*cking prison?

Oh, wow, you're a child.

How long was that?

Oh, it was three seconds.

You know, at what point have I said enough our fathers to repent for that?

I made a drastically terrible and virtually unforgivable mistake.

(Laughs)

Virtually, huh?

f*ck off, Marty.

You cry loyalty and betrayal whenever it suits you, but I have seen you do a lot of unforgivable sh*t yourself.

(Scoffs) Guess what?

The people that I've done it to still haven't forgiven me.

Okay.

If you don't want to work next to me, then maybe I'll buy you out.

(Laughs)

You're gonna buy me out?

Of Kaan and Associates?

Doug: Hey-oh!

Sorry to interrupt.

I... oy.

Very heavy in here.

Ah, it feels...

Well, I'm not sure.

It's like pain and anger, both maybe, but sadness, too.

Jesus Christ, Doug.

Go ahead, Doug, what?

Yeah. I just wanted to say that the wire transfer from Gage is gonna be in by end of bid-ness, baby.

Yow. And then we're gonna be rolling in it.

Am I right? What is...

Oh. You want me in or out?

Just out. Yeah, stay on it.

Out, okay.

I'm on it.

I'm not leaving, Marty.

You're gonna have to serve me papers, and that won't mean a f*cking thing, because I'm a 50% shareholder and you're a felon.

(Door opens)

(Meows)

Clyde: Really?

A f*cking...

Let's watch the lip there, buddy, okay?

Yeah, well, you know that I'm allergic.

No, as a matter of fact, I didn't know that.

Because you haven't let me see you over the past two years.

Well, I was also allergic two years ago, dad.

How about that?

Look, she's a service cat, all right.

She gives me a lot of comfort service...

(Sneezes)

(Meowing)

(Groans)

You know, that stuff is all in the mind.

Have you read Sarno?

That's about back pain, dad.

Also all in the mind.

Okay, you know what, I got a real intense work week coming up and my place is not that big, so what do you say I put you up somewhere?
That sound good?

Seriously? Seriously?

After everything our family's endured you're gonna put me up someplace?

That's just great.

Oh, my God, are we there already?

Because that was fast.

That might've been the fewest moves you've ever taken to get to the holocaust in your entire life.

Yet here we are.

There we go, the holocaust.

Mr. Holocaust Jokester.

That's so very amusing.

Can we just press pause on the holocaust for maybe 30 seconds? Is that okay?

I wish.

All I'm saying is there's probably a win-win out there, huh?

A nice cat-friendly hotel.

We'll get some breakfast.

A hotel, yeah, that'd be great.

I'm gonna drop dead in some Gomorrah flophouse.

Terrific.

What are you talking about?

Stage four pancreatic, wise ass.

Weeks, not months.

So I'm most likely not gonna be putting you out for too long.

(Cat meows)

Ellis, Marty.

Uh, I'm starting to think you're avoiding me.

Listen, it is definitely end of business, and somehow this wire transfer has yet to, uh, find its way into our account.

Now, I'm sure it's just a clerical error, but, uh, you know K and A needs that money, so give me a call.

My man.

You finally gonna start paying rent?

Ah, no.

I found these in Roscoe's room.

Bullshit.

Oh, you think I'm walking around with G-rolls like this?

How much is this?

That's ten K.

This is a roll of five K.

You know, there's about two grand, loose, still in his drawer.

What the f*ck are you doing going through Roscoe's sh*t?

Hey, I know the kind of stuff that we were doing at his age, so I'm just looking out for the little man.

Don't spend it all in one place, bro.

Kelsey: So you just click on the doctor's name, and you get a bio and pic instantly.

That's great.

Look at that, and some little fun facts.

I love that.

Look at this guy, a Harvard man.

(Chuckles) Simpatico.

'Cause I went there.

To Harvard.

Yeah, I-I know.

Oh, no, I wasn't saying, I didn't meant that, uh...

You-you don't have to try so hard.

I already like you.

(Cat meowing)

Oh, my God.

Did the cat just...

Look, she gets nervous, that's all.

It's okay.

I'm sorry that you have to go through...

Yeah, well, you know, I was thinking that you and I could spend some time together, you know what I mean?

I mean, I'm probably gonna be checking out for good in a month, maybe two tops.

(Sighs) No more g*dd*mn chemo for me.

Oh, it smells so bad.

Oh, I might throw up.

I'm sorry, dad, I'm trying, but I'm gonna throw up.

(Wind pulsates)

Look, could you...

It keeps going whomp-whomp-whomp, you know?

I just can't take it.

Well, just put yours down a little bit.

(Pulsating stops)

Okay, don't worry about it, dad.

(Pulsating resumes)

We're good.

Now it's just going whomp-whomp-whomp on this side.

Put yours up.

You just told me-- put it down.

I made a mistake, you can put it up now, I apologize.

Up, down, up and down.

Jesus, what do you want?

(Window closes, pulsating stops)

You're really gonna smoke a pipe in my car right now?

I'm packing it.

You see me smoking?

I'm packing the pipe.

So in addition to phase one beta interactivity, we'll tease out phase two for the geeks.

Oh, that's awesome.

Check that out-- as a geek, I can tell you that geeks will love that.

Oh, I know, right?

Yeah. - You have to put in pieces that are geek specific so you grab the early adopters.

Smart, yeah.

Oh.

(Keyboard clacking)

What's that?

Hold on, I don't get it.

Oh, is it too geeky?

Yeah, maybe.

Even for me.

Uh, okay, well...

I think maybe if I just adjust the image a little, make it a little more like... this?

Perfect.

That's... that's awesome.

I love that.

(Keyboard clacking)

Do you like it when a girl licks your ass?

(High-pitched): Um...

Uh...

Oh, God.

(Grunting)

Ellis, it's your old prison buddy, Marty Kaan, again.

(Door opens)

Okay? Give me a call.

(Door closes)

Oh, hey, dad.

Hey, man.

You selling dr*gs?

Bags.

I don't care how you're selling them, okay?

No, dad, bags.

Handbags.

Purses.

Oh, God.

(Panting)

Wow.

Whew.

Yeah.

Awesome.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

That was... (Keyboard clacking) I mean, that was incredible.

It was... it was magical.

Did you want to... talk about it, or...?

I'm good.

Good.

Great. Yeah, me, too.

Cool.

Do you want to talk about the fee structures?

Hmm?

Yeah, oh, my God, that's crazy.

I was just about to say, "Do you want to talk about fee structures?"

It's pretty funny we're f-finishing each other's... sentences.

That's funny.

Yeah, so, hey, uh, why don't I get some, uh, miso soup?

And a little more sake?

And... get back to work? (Chuckles)

Okay. Okay.

Cool.

(Mumbles)

Whew.

Purses?

Well, bags.

I just hate the word "purses."

Where are you getting them?

Santee Alley.

Like, ten blocks away.

And you're making this kind of bank?

It's huge.

Is it illegal?

Uh, I mean, the bags are knockoffs, but...

Do the people that you're selling them to know that?

Whose idea was it?

Mine.

Huh.

Okay, well, you're gonna stop it.

Okay.

Roscoe, Roscoe.

I'm not playing with you, man, okay?

I'm on probation.

How long was that?

What?

Till you made it about you.

Oh, no, sorry.

What? - You do not get to do that with this, all right?

This is an illegal thing that you're doing.

And I know you've learned a handy tool from your grandpa about how to turn the tables on an argument, and you're using my big fat reservoir of guilt about getting sent to prison, but no.

Nuh-uh.

Not with this thing.

You're gonna stop selling the bags.

And I won't make you give all the money back.

But I'm keeping this.

Hey, a good consultant always takes a fee.

Dad.

(Laughs)

(Imitating Roscoe): "Dad."

I'm kidding.

And that's a good instinct, actually.

I mean, you saw a nice piece of business, you took advantage of it-- not bad.

But you're gonna give it a rest, right?

I will.

All right, get out of here, Rockefeller.

Purses.

Bags.

Bags. Bags.

(Phone beeps)

(Line ringing)

(Clears throat)

Automated voice: The mailbox is full and cannot accept any messages at this time...

Son of a bitch.

(Line ringing)

Marty.

Are you gonna start Facebook stalking me next?

Hello?

Yeah, I think you know I'm here.

Yeah, you want that big ol' payday.

Yeah, I do.

I'd want it, too.

Okay.

I would feel like my very life depended on it, but it doesn't.

Can you please just tell me when the money is coming, Ellis?

Gage put K and A back on the map, that should be more than enough payment.

I really hope you're joking around, man, because we're in a deep f*cking hole, and you know that.

Thanks in part to you, Marty, our pockets are deep.

It would take a titan to be able to afford to challenge us legally.

I'm pretty sure you're not that titan.

Thanks to me, your company is hot again.

And you can use that to book all the business you need.

Are you f*cking kidding me, man?

Heard you landed the Wasserman account.

You're welcome.

El-Ellis?

(Phone beeps)

You m*therf*cker.

Monica: Phil, I think that's... that's perfect.

Ellis: Yeah.

Monica: I love it, I do.

Marty, we were just talking about you.

All good things, really.

(Gasps) Oh, my God, it's Shamu.

You got to be f*cking kidding me.

Jesus Christ.

Should have saw this one coming, huh?

And yet you didn't, you dumbshit.

Oh, look, they brought counsel.

Scary.

Doug: Hey, you owe us money!

And we want it, all of us!

Doug. We all want it.

That money that you owe us.

Doug, Doug.

How do you make it through the day?

Listen, Ellis.

We get it, okay?

You're the big dog with the big company and the penis-shaped car.

(Scoffs) S-so here we all are confirming how big and powerful you are by coming all the way to your offices to make our special plea.

I got it.

You need to step up and pay us the money, bitch.

You see? (Scoffs)

She's verbally abusive. And physically.

Come on.

Monica: Listen, peons, Ellis Hightower, Dante Valerio and Gage Motors could out-litigate Jesus Christ if they wanted to.

But you're not gonna try that, are you, Marty?

Who the f*ck are you right now?

Ah, so sad.

You just came up here hoping an emotional plea over your salad-tossing days in the can would sway Ellis.

(Clicking tongue)

You got me.

Yeah, I got you, and I got you.

And I got you, and I got you.

Yeah, everyone gets me.

So our friendship-- that just means nothing to you?

Ugh.

Ellis: That's super funny, dude.

Are you talking about the friendship you cynically manufactured while I was especially vulnerable in prison to get my business?

Ugh.

I don't know what level of hell you're residing in that you think you can f*ck me over in this particular way, Monica.

Oh, really?

Really.

This is nice.

(Scoffs)

Never heard that.

Shouldn't we just make this a conjugal visit?

Since we...

Ma'am. Keep your hands in plain view.

Jesus.

Heil h*tler.

I'm just trying to give the guy a little mercy handjob.

Hey, Monica.

Marty.

What's up?

I should just get right to the point because you have things to do.

Showering.

Breaking big rocks into smaller rocks.

Getting ass-r*ped.

Mo, mo.

Yeah.

What?

Well, I was thinking I would do something with Roscoe.

I think I'm gonna take him to New York for Fashion Week, and then Ibiza for my friend Timmy's party.

(Laughing): Are you f*cking crazy?

Timmy loves the transgenders.

Oh.

And he will get a kick out of Roscoe.

He'll get a kick out of him?

Totes.

Well, he's got school, okay? So there's that.

Okay, so he writes a report about it or something.

A report about rolling on e with his mom?

Just 'cause you're in prison doesn't mean you have to go all Mr. Morality.

You know what, mo?

Uh, we're good, okay?

Pop's got it covered.

Okay.

So I'll just take him to Fashion Week, and then...

Are you... You can't...? No, no.

No Fashion Week, no Ibiza.

How about taking him to get a f*cking frappuccino, okay?

Or-or see a movie, you know, something that a normal mom would do with their son?

Well, that's not really my style.

Right, because you're an addict and a sociopath and a f*cking unfit parent.

Says the convicted felon.

Why are you here?

Why don't you just get the f*ck out?

Do you even know him?

He loves fashion.

And he would love Ibiza, actually.

And maybe, just maybe, it would help get his mind off of the fact that his father is in f*cking prison.

Okay, I'm done, I'm ready to go.

No, he's not.

Yeah. I'd rather be in my locked cell than stuck here with this crazy bitch.

You know what?

Fine, Marty.

Fine.

But the next olive branch goes straight up your ass.

f*ck you.

Clyde: How about this? How about we sit down and actually talk this sh*t through?

Are you f*cking kidding me?

Nah, this is how we'll do it.

This? This is your brilliant consultation?

How to save $11 million right off the top.

Don't pay for work that you signed a contract to recei...

Holy sh*t, the noise.

It's like a wild parrot, it's just, "Squawk, squawk."

You are a psychopath.

And you have no g*dd*mn business telling me I'm on shaky legal ground after you defrauded...

You need to shut your f*cking mouth.

Or what? What's mommy gonna do?

You gonna bring the abortion with you?

Or are you just gonna leave it with a nanny?

Come on, Jeannie, let's... let's just go.

(Growls)

(Chuckles) Bye.

Oh! Oh...! Oh, sh*t!

Ow, my hand.

Uh... Ow.

Oh, my hand.

(Monica groans)

Oh, my...

Oh, my God, you broke my nose.

Why am I so turned on right now?

Me, too.

Bitch!

Marty, let's go.

Monica: Oh, my God, you broke my nose, you bitch!

I'm actually scared of you right now.

Good.

Monica: Oh, God.

Marty: Oh, we're gonna make these m*therf*ckers bleed.

You said "we."

I did?

I didn't hear that.