02x06 - Screw the One Percent

[bunniefuu]

Brian, I know that you like getting positive feedback, and you know that I hate giving it, so this is gonna be a one-time thing.

You have really been stepping up your game lately.

It doesn't matter. We're all gonna die.

You okay, bud?

Nope, not at all.

Voodoo started seeing someone else.

Really?

Some dude named Doug.

She met him on one of those asexual message boards.

Asexual message boards? That sh*t exists?

I mean, I knew logically that we weren't gonna last, but it just... it still hurts.

That Voodoo put a spell on me.

Who could have seen that coming?

Oh, left field, all the way. Ohh.

Now I got to change her ringtone.

Dude, you're not dividing assets in a divorce.

You can keep the ringtone.

If you think about it, nothing's really changed.

You're still friends. You're still not having sex.

Yeah, but I'm not the person she's not having sex with.

She's out there not having sex with someone else.

Not not me, not him.

Brian, you've really got it pretty good here.

Yes.

I mean, the hardest part about a breakup is imagining your ex getting it on with someone else.

Yes, it's pretty much the only thing you're thinking about.

Yeah, but you don't have to worry about that because you already know the answer.

Come on. Yeah.

She's having sex with no one.

Nobody!

Ever.

Ever.

Everything's different now.

I called her last night to see if she wanted to see a movie.

She had already seen it with Doug.

[Sighs]

She knows that Nic Cage dramas are our thing.

You're right.

That is way worse than imagining the love of your life sweatily entangled with another man making wet spots on silk sheets illuminated by sex candles.

Sex candles?

Yeah, sex candles.

Is that a... is that a thing?

Should I be buying sex candles now?

Look at me. Look at me.

Yes.

[Radio static]

Ambulance needed, 274 Northwood, reported heart att*ck.

Ambulance 14 responding.

[Siren wails]

Okay, guys, which would bother you more, if you walked in on your significant other having sex with someone else or saw them walking on the beach, holding hands, clearly and deeply in love?

Is that a real question? Sex.

Always sex.

Well, guys, I'm on that beach right now, and let me tell you, it hurts.

It hurts bad.

[Hip-hop music]

[Siren wailing]

Where's the patient, sir?

Um...

Ambulance is the winner!

Whoo!

Yeah!

[Laughter]

Congrats, guys.

[Cheering]

[Indistinct chatter]

What the hell's going on?

Sir?

Oh, everything's cool, chief.

There's no patient.

Why'd you call us?

We had a bet to see who would get here first, an ambulance or the pizza guy.

You won.

Yes.

You called in a fake emergency as part of a bet?

A fake medical emergency, yes.

Fake pizza emergency, no, 'cause we are hungry as sh*t.

Congrats, by the way, last week the Indian place b*at the fire department, so...

k*ller curry too.

Yeah.

You clowns think calling an ambulance is a joke?

No. No, no, of course not, um...

Officers, or...

We mean no harm.

What we do can mean the difference between life and death.

sh*t like this not only wastes our time, but it puts other people's lives at risk.

It also happens to be extremely illegal.

Does anyone not have an attorney in the family?

[Laughter]

No disrespect, chief.

What's that?

5 hundo for the trouble.

We don't want this sh*t.

Yes, we do.

Yeah, we do.

Get yourself a flat screen for the common room.

I insist.

Yeah.

You know what?

No, don't take it out on the money, John.

The money never hurt anyone.

Especially if it's properly invested.

I'm gonna properly invest my foot in your ass.

Whoa, super aggressive.

Ambulance 14, reported stroke, 3436 North Sheridan.

Let it go, John. Ambulance 14 responding.

You hear that?

Life and death.

Let it go.

Life and death, people.

[Chuckles]

Have every single one of those pricks arrested.

This money is evidence.

Yeah, evidence we can now get a new flat-screen TV.

Pizza.

Yeah! Whoo!

It's okay, they're good tippers.

Come on, let's go.

All right.

Rich people suck.

Like my damn landlord, dude's 26 years old, owns the building, inherited it from grandfather.

He only lives there because he thinks the neighborhood's gonna hit.

He wants to brag that he lived there when poor people still did.

Sit around all day not doing anything, trying to rename the neighborhood "Nonowewe."

What?

North of North, west of Western.

Dude's an idiot.

He's one of these morons who's always on a new cleanse, who decides he's only gonna listen to jazz on vinyl recorded by black guys in Paris.

I mean, you've seen the guy.

Tell me he doesn't have one of those faces you just want to bounce off the hood of your car, you know?

[Laughs]

You know?

No.

What?

No.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Oh, you're boning my landlord.

I am.

Oh, no.

No. Seriously?

Dude, you weren't gonna say anything to me?

No, because I knew you were gonna be a total d*ck about it.

Besides, you got this irrational hatred of rich guys.

Not all rich guys, just rich white guys.

Oh, see, that's r*cist.

What? How?

You should hate rich black people just as much as you hate rich white people.

I'm talking about the smug assholes who have had everything handed to them in life.

Oh, so now there are no smug black people who didn't have to work hard for it?

Maybe there are. They're just not as annoying.

Jaden Smith.

One guy.

Willow Smith.

Okay, two.

But I can't believe I'm the one putting this out there, but what about 200 years of sl*very, man?

Doesn't that buy you a little something?

It was 400, and that shouldn't prevent me from hating Jaden Smith.

Look, I'm not saying that Obama's kids are a problem, 'cause they seem really cool, but you know somewhere down the line, either their kids or their kids' kids who are all gonna be rich, somewhere in there, one of them, Preston Obama, is gonna be a total d*ck, and I want the freedom to hate the living sh*t out of him.

Preston Obama.

He does kind of sound like kind of a jerk.

Mm-hmm.

Hank, I'm putting an original pair of Jordan 3s on Etsy tomorrow, wholesale.

If you want them, let me know, 'cause once they go live, sayonara.

Oh, you don't have to worry about Hank anymore, 'cause he's dating a rich guy.

He can get Jordan 3s anytime his pretty little head wants a pair.

I am seeing someone who happens to have some money, and apparently that's a crime in the eyes of a crazy person we know.

You got a sugar daddy?

No, dude's way younger than Hank, more of a sugar baby.

Mmhmm.

Baby, baby, baby. You crazy.

Yeah, well, how old is he?

He's not way younger than me.

Way younger.

Shut up.

Hey, Brian, wait a sec.

Um, I heard about you and Voodoo.

Yeah.

If I'm being completely honest, I think it's great.

Your glass is always half full, huh?

I don't know how you do it.

Ask me on a date.

I'll show you.

A date?

Yeah. I think it'd be fun.

Thanks, Gabby, but I just...

I just don't think I'd be at my best.

I'm kind of in a mourning phase.

Rule of thumb is you're supposed to mourn one week for every month you were together, which by my math puts me at 12 days.

It's more than the suggested amount, but I know my body.

Well, maybe you should let someone else get to know your body.

Wait, I'm... I'm not sure what I high-fived right there.

I'm just that kind of guy. I see a high five, and I take it.

[Laughs]

That's what I like about you.

See you in 12 days.

Whoa.

Yup.

[Whispers] Wow.

[Indistinct chatter]

Oh, hey.

Both: Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Crazy, huh?

Mm.

Yeah, crazy.

[Sighs]

So crazy.

[Chuckles]

Huh.

Well...

So...

Hey, well, we got a bunch of Chinese food if you want to come on up and have some.

Oh, I can't.

I'm on a cleanse.

Course you are.

[Johnny and Theresa chuckle]

All right, we'll see you guys later.

Okay.

Yes, you will.

Oh, hey, uh, I was thinking about getting some chickens.

Hmm? The bird?

Yeah, in the backyard.

Yeah, in the... oh.

How great would it be to have fresh eggs every day?

So great.

So great, right?

So great.

[Chuckles]

[Distant thuds]

That was the kitchen.

[Sighs]

Just ignore it. He knows we can hear him.

How am I supposed to ignore 420 pounds of man beef going at each other?

[Creaking]

Now, that's ridiculous.

I know for a fact that's the fireplace.

[Laughs]

Ran out of real estate, didn't you, buddy?

Oh, be happy for him.

Hank is just a flavor of the week for this guy, like Indonesian shallots and that weird Brazilian dance-fighting he was into last week, and now chickens?

I mean, this guy just takes one bite out of everything.

Have you ever seen his trash?

You looked through this guy's trash?

No, I came upon his trash.

Mm-hmm.

He left the lid off.

Probably because he expected someone to close it for him.

Did you?

Yeah.

Yeah, I did, 'cause this city has a terrible rat problem.

Oh.

Something he wouldn't understand in his ivory sex castle.

[Knock on door]

[Laughs]

Whew. I need the Gatorade.

Jesus.

Oh.

[Whistling]

Was it as fun as it sounded?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

You're embarrassing yourself, you realize that?

[Laughs]

What is that on your wrist?

Oh, it's a Tag Heuer Aquaracer 5.

Oh.

Unbelievable.

Mm, it really is.

Stainless steel, Swiss quartz movement, water resistant up to 300 meters.

You don't swim.

I bathe.

And he's got the most beautiful, deep, stone tub.

I almost drowned.

You know, there's a name for what you're doing.

You're being a gold digger.

Technically, I did not dig for this, and it's stainless steel.

Besides, I'd rather be a gold digger than a r*cist.

Oh, oh, here we go.

Who's a r*cist?

Your boyfriend.

He hates rich white people more than he hates rich black people.

That's not r*cist.

It's kind of r*cist, babe.

[Chuckles]

Hey, Hank, Nick is one of the nicest guys that I have met since we moved into Nonowewe.

Don't call it that.

Thank you. Round two.

Oh.

Have fun.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, buddy.

Hey.

What's up, man?

Notice anything different about me?

Something in this region?

Um...

Does this get you there?

Healed.

My 12 days of mourning are up, and the old Brian is back and better than ever.

Yoo! Drinks on Bri.

You know what?

Yes, I'm putting down the Discover card.

Well, I thought you said the old Brian was back, huh?

[Laughing]

I'm ready to laugh again.

Voodoo and Doug aren't here yet, huh?

No.

Why?

I got a handshake for that guy that's long overdue.

Hey, you don't have to put on a brave face for me, bro.

I want the real stuff.

I thrive on it.

Voodoo will always hold a special place in my heart, but I'm ready to be happy for her.

I even retired her old ringtone.

Do you want to hear the new one?

Mmhmm.

[Scatting] ♪ Friends ♪

Is that Miles Davis?

No, it's me.

I can't wait to play it for her.

Hey, everybody.

All: Hey.

This is Doug.

Hi, everyone.

I've heard so much about you.

Okay.

Where's Brian?

Uh, I think he freaked out a little bit and is probably hyperventilating over by the bar.

I'll check on him in a second.

I've got this one, bro.

[Breathing heavily]

Yo, deep breath, man, deep breath.

My... my chest, it's so tight.

I know, I've been there, man.

I've been there. Well, not there, there.

That dude never took my girl.

I guess in the situation I'm talking about I was a little bit more of the Doug, but, man, I'm telling you, bro.

The Brian in that scenario was sad.

That dude left me some sad messages, okay?

I got to play them for you sometime.

They're bananas, yo.

Thanks, buddy.

Whatever you want to do, wherever you want to go, that's what we gonna do.

That's where we gonna go.

Okay.

[Applause]

Magic is the one thing that lets me forget all my problems.

So what? It, like, makes them disappear?

[Laughing]

And that, my friend, is the greatest trick of them all.

Shh.

Sorry, bro.

Oh, my God, a bunny.

I love little bunnies.

This wizard is awesome.

He goes by Xander the Outlander, but his real name is Ross.

He employs a classical technique clearly influenced by Copperfield, who himself was just a watered-down version of the true greats.

Shh.

You're ruining the show.

I'm more of a Ricky Jay or Amazing Johnathan guy myself.

Those guys use storytelling as part of the act, which I think exponentially boosts the element of wonder.

I wonder if you're ever gonna shut up.

Man, come on.

My boy here's having a pretty rough day, so maybe you can just calm down a little bit, okay?

It's okay, Billy. I'm feeling better.

We should probably head out, huh?

No way, man, you're crazy.

And miss the finale? Mm-mm.

This dude's cooking up something delicious.

I'm getting security.

That... that won't be necessary.

And now if I could have a volunteer from the audience?

Let's go.

Here is our brave volunteer.

Oh, sh*t!

What's up, Nick?

Hank dumped me.

Seriously?

One minute, everything is going great, and the next, he says the relationship has run its course.

Oh, that's rough.

But dudes, right? [Chuckles]

That's what we do.

You got to help me, Johnny.

[Sighs]

Is that a pitcher of Margaritas?

It's caipirinhas.

I came into some mint.

Listen, maybe if you talk to Hank for me...

I don't think that's such a good idea.

Tell him how much I need him.

That's very awkward for me.

How much he means to me.

I can't emphasize the awkwardness enough.

I'll cover your rent.

What's that?

If you talk to Hank for me, I got your rent this month.

I can't do that.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, um...

You're... you're better off without Hank St. Clare.

No, you are.

You think?

Yeah.

You're the real catch here, right?

I don't know.

Yeah, you are.

You're young and handsome, and you got...

Equity and sh*t.

You'll see.

Don't go!

Okay.

Please?

Rent and HBO?

And Showtime.

Nonowewe?

Nonowewe.

Nonowewe.

If you would?

You need to be very, very still. You got it?

Oh, I know the drill.

You sure?

Ross, I came here on my 23rd birthday.

We did this exact trick.

It k*lled, by the way, standing O.

I'm fine.

Steel...

Does not care if you are man...

[Audience gasps]

Or woman.

It respects...

Only steel.

[Scats]

♪ Friends ♪

Its only sustenance...

No way.

Flesh.

Ow!

Ooh.

How you holding up, Houdini?

Hey, Gabby.

You heard, huh?

Yeah, it's pretty embarrassing.

Wouldn't have happened if you went to that magic show with me.

I'd never let anyone hurt you.

And if they did, I'd make them pay.

[Chuckles] I believe you.

So you gonna be all right?

Yeah. Yeah.

It's a... it's just a big scratch.

[Laughs] I can read a chart.

I meant with your mourning period.

Still on it?

Oh, that.

It... yeah, it's technically over, but I had a bit of a setback.

So the truth is, I'm not sure when I'll be ready.

Fair enough.

Well, let's get you checked out.

You can feel that, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, I can... I can feel that.

Okay, how about this?

Any pain?

[Sighs]

There's a... There's a little twinge there.

Okay, you're gonna want to stretch it out like this.

Oh, okay.

Ah.

Oh!

Nope, no, roll with it.

It's fine. Go ahead...

Okay.

Nobody's gonna walk in, right?

Mm, maybe.

Okay.

Gabby the nurse?

Gabby the nurse?

Oh! Come on, how'd it go down?

Deets, deets, spill.

A gentleman does not kiss and tell, but know that it was nice.

Oh.

Ooh, nice.

Come on. Nice.

You gonna see this nice girl again?

I don't know. I don't know.

We're taking it slow.

Uh, fast but slow.

Yeah.

I'm holding off on giving her a ringtone though.

[Laughter]

A ringtone.

Does Nick have a ringtone?

Oh, sure does.

Same one I give all my exes: Do not answer.

Oh.

Ambulance needed, Amalfi Motors, Clark and Wrightwood.

Ambulance 14 responding.

But it's... it's not, like, over, over, is it?

Oh, it is.

Why?

First of all, he wouldn't buy Gatorade.

Secondly, Nonowewe? He was rich and good-looking, but he talked about such dumb sh*t.

I started to dread every time he opened his mouth.

Well, not every time he opened his mouth.

What... it's a reference to...

Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.

You know.

Protocol says we should take you in, but we can't force you.

You know, I'm feeling all right, guys, and I'm shorthanded today, and I got some high-end customers that can be real assholes.

You have to sign a waiver.

That's fine.

Brian?

This way, sir.

Hey, you know, um, I was thinking, Nick's actually not a... Not a bad dude.

I mean, he's got such an adventurous spirit.

How much is he paying you?

What?

How much money is he paying you?

Nothing.

How much, John?

He was crying, man, real tears.

He was, like, begging. He was sad.

I mean, he really likes you.

How much money?

A month's rent plus free HBO.

No Showtime?

And Showtime.

No.

You ain't getting sh*t, 'cause I ain't calling him.

Hey, I told him that I would say something to you, and I said something.

I get free rent and cable no matter what you do.

Fine.

Fine.

Good for you.

Good for me.

Mm-hmm.

It's just, look. I know I said some sh*t about this guy, but that was probably more about me than it was about him, and I just want you to know that I'm gonna be cool with whoever you choose to drink Gatorade with.

Oh, screw that.

If I'm dating a douchebag, I want you to tell me I'm dating a douchebag.

All right, you were dating a douchebag.

I know, but he was so cute and had such nice sh*t.

[Laughing] Ohh.

Ooh.

[Chuckles]

Yo, take extra special care of my baby.

Oh, I'm not...

Get it done by 6:00.

There'll be something in it for you, chief.

[Laughing]

Unbelievable.

I am sick of these rich assholes thinking everybody in a blue uniform does the same thing.

I mean, how does this guy make that much money, and he can't tell the difference between a mechanic and an EMT?

Oh, my God.

What?

Do you see what just happened here?

What?

You almost went ham on that guy.

Yeah, he's an assh*le. So what?

A black assh*le.

You just hated a rich black guy as much as you hate rich white guys.

I did, didn't I?

That's growth.

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

Why did he throw you the keys instead of me?

Huh?

What, he just automatically assumes the white dude is the head mechanic?

That's some bullshit.

You know we got a black president, right?

Hey, give me them keys.

I'ma key his car right now.

Well, as the head mechanic, I'm afraid I can't allow that to happen.

Hand me them keys, John.

[Laughs]

Give me them keys.

It just wouldn't be right.

It's out of my purview.

Your purview?

Yeah, my purview.

John Farrell, do you value your life?

You better give me the keys.

You better give me...

What'd you call me?