04x09 - An Officer and a Gentle Ben

[bunniefuu]

Both: Cheers!

(Laughing)

Mmm.

Wow. I didn't know I liked tea so much.

Dude, it's beer.

I thought doing the girliest thing in the world would help me understand women, but all I've learned is that little chairs make my butt fall asleep.

Seriously, Ben.

I mean, if you're still that miserable about Riley, why don't you just talk to her?

Tell her how you feel. Man up!

Snack cake?

No, I did, but now we're in this weird limbo.

I told her she needs to figure out if she has feelings for my brother or not.

And does she?

Who knows?

It's not like she bothered to tell me how she feels.

I just feel stuck.

Look, it sounds like you need to take back control, okay?

Become the master of your own destiny.

Crumpet?

You know, man? You're right.

I'm done, okay?

It's time to move on. Riley and I need to be officially over.

I'm stuck.

I know. We get it.

No, Tucker. I'm really stuck.

(Theme music plays)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ Can take your life and change direction ♪

All right, Emma. Which one is pretty for grandma?

Hmm?

Oh! Aww.

Knock, knock.

Oh, hi. Mrs. Wheeler, can I ask you a question?

You just did. Now my turn.

Which one of these says, "permission to board the S.S. Bonnie"?

I'll assume that means "pretty."

Um, I don't know. What are you wearing it with?

This.

Oh, wow.

I actually meant the shoes.

I actually meant sex.

Riley, it is fleet week.

The Navy is in town, including one very sexy captain Hudson.

We always meet at the same pier, and have the same magical weekend.

Then, like all good magic tricks, he disappears.

That's so romantic.

Yeah.

I really want to talk to you and me and Ben.

Ugh!

He is the one who said we should take a timeout because he had some crazy idea that I have feelings for Danny.

Me having feelings for Danny?

That is just crazy, right?

That's so crazy. Don't you think that's crazy?

Well, I would have agreed if you didn't say stuff like, "it's crazy, right?

"So crazy! I mean, don't you think it's crazy?"

(Baby laughs)

(Mouths)

Well, I am telling you the same thing I told Ben.

I do not have feelings for Danny!

Danny, hey!

Hey, Riles.

See? Nothing.

And you know what else?

The next time I see Ben, I am telling him that I want to get back together.

Hi.

Hi.

All right. Just don't make him cry.

Otherwise, I'll do this again!

Oh man.

Look at it, Riley! This is your future!

This one's on the house, especially if you come back to my house.

Okay.

Yeah, a little rusty.

But it could have been worse. I mean, at least she didn't laugh at you.

Oh, wait, no. Now she's laughing at you.

Hey, by the way, whatever happened with Riley?

How'd she take it?

Well, she hasn't called me back, so I'm guessing she'll take it fine.

Ooh, I'm going back in.

So, you looking for a stud?

I already got the "S.T.D." All I need is "U."

Let me start again.

Sadly, that was actually better.

Yeah, but lucky for you, there's a ton of cute girls in here to practice on.

Oh, crap. I forgot it's fleet week.

Damn it!

We've been dock-blocked.

Okay, people!

The S.S. Bonnie just hit an iceberg.

Hey, ma, how'd it go with your sailor?

Terrible. Horrible. The worst.

He wants to marry me!

Okay, I normally don't get this confused so early in the conversation.

Danny, the reason you date a sailor is because they sail away.

Ben! Is Ben here?

No, I think he's working a double.

Why don't you just hashbrown him?

You know? That's what all you kids are doing.

We keep missing each other, and I really want to talk to him in person.

Plus... I seem to have lost my phone.

Oh my God. I just shared a cab with a friend. I must have left it there.

Looking for this?

Robyn! Oh, thank you!

How did you know where I was?

Well, you doodle "Ben Wheeler" on your pad during every staff meeting.

For a while, I thought that Ben Wheeler was a legal term.

Guys, this is Robyn.

My office bestie.

Hi, I'm Danny.

The brother she apparently doesn't doodle.

But she should.

I'd doodle you.

Okay, well...

I've gotta go meet drink for a Ben.

No, Ben for a drink!

It was meety loving you.

Lovely meeting me.

You! I... I gotta go. Bye.

Oh my God, is he single?

And if he is, can I make him un-single?

Well, uh, who? Danny? Single?

I mean, not really. Sort of.

Kind of, I guess. I don't think he's ready to meet anyone new, so... no.

Well, maybe the right girl would make him ready.

What's wrong with one coffee date?

Yeah, Riley.

Who doesn't love coffee?

Unless, you have a problem with somebody going out with Danny.

Wait, no!

(Mockingly) That's crazy! So crazy! Don't you think it's crazy?

I don't know, Tuck. I feel like we should be on a box of frozen fish sticks.

Don't worry, man. I got this.

"In the Navy" is my go-to karaoke song.

Oh, there.

Hey, you guys better head back to the ship.

Captain's looking for you.

He knows what you did last night.

They all did something last night.

Hi, I'm seaman Tucker, and this is private Benjamin.

(Giggles) You said semen.

We're in the Navy.

There's a song about it.

My job is to fire the torpedoes.

Yeah, it's pretty badass.

(Mimics Cannon f*ring)

Whoa!

Riley, hey!

Ben, what are you doing?

Management thought it would be a fun promotion for fleet week.

Chips, ahoy, mattes!

I'm so sorry that I haven't called you back yet.

But, I really want to talk to you, too. About us.

You do?

Yes! So much.

But, uh, hey, can we do it later? After your shift?

Okay, yeah, sure. Later's better.

Later's good. I like later. Here's to later!

What was that? I thought you were moving on?

Yeah, no, I thought I was too, but maybe I jumped ship too soon.

She said she wants to talk.

And I can be talked out of my talk and talked into her talk if her talk is about us getting back together!

What are you talking about?

Dude, if she wanted to get back together, she would have said it.

Face it, Ben. That ship has sailed.

I don't mean to eavesdrop, sailor, but I think your friend is right.

When a woman says she wants to talk, it always means she wants to walk.

I'm not ready to be set up, right now.

Okay.

Will you be ready, tomorrow?

Please? It would mean so much to me.

Fine. Set away.

Yeah, I guess if she wanted to get back together, she'd be hugging me, instead of my brother.

I hate being right about these things, except when a cute sailor like yourself is now single.

Can I buy you a drink?

Yeah, that'd be great.

So, you looking for a stud?

I've already got "U," I just need an "S"... no, damn it, that doesn't work either.

Riley: Mrs. Wheeler?

Oh, Riley. Thank God that you're here.

I can't go home!

Captain Clingy has been staking out my lobby all day!

Well, I have successfully set up Danny and Robyn, thus proving I have no feelings for Danny, thus in your face, Mrs. Wheeler!

You're right, Riley. You obviously have no feelings for Danny, whatsoever, and are completely focused on your relationship with Ben.

Hey, Riles. Thanks so much for convincing me to go out with Robyn.

We spent, like, two hours on the phone last night.

And that was before I fell asleep and had to call her back.

I like this girl.

I'm actually meeting her at the bar, right now, so don't wait up.

So, this is me...

Mm-hmm.

Watching my friend Danny go out the door to be with another woman.

Please note my complete lack of reaction.

You have really nice pores.

(Phone buzzes)

Oh.

Hey, bestie! I hear you're off to meet my boy?

Oh my God, yes! Thank you!

I just broke up with my ex two weeks ago, and I've been in desperate need of a rebound to help me get over him.

I'm sorry. I think we have a bad connection.

It sounded like you just said "rebound"?

Yeah. I'll tell you all about it at work tomorrow.

Unless I take a very personal day.

Bye!

Oh my God.

No, no, no, no!

I have to warn Danny!

I mean, if he finds out he's a rebound, it'll break his heart.

And, you know, somehow, he's gonna find a way to blame me.

Oh! Break his heart!

Oh, why didn't I think of that?

Oh, uh-huh.

Oh, hey, captain.

Listen, we need to talk.

Yeah, I know you're in the lobby. I'll be right down.

Hey, that's Charlotte.

She's been begging me to give her a tour of the ship.

Hey, by the way, what have you been calling it?

The only ships I know are Titanic and Lollipop.

Oh, Riley's here.

Have you guys made your breakup official?

No, and I owe it to her to tell her I've moved on.

She obviously has, too.

Riley, hey. So, about us... oh, yes, which I so want to talk about.

Right now, I have to find your brother.

I think he's in the bathroom.

Wait, Riley. This is stupid.

I know what you want to talk about, and I've thought about it, and I agree with you.

Really? You do?

Took me a while to get there, but yeah, I think that we both know this is right.

Oh my God.

You have no idea how nervous I was.

I mean, I didn't know what to say.

I didn't know if it was going to be awkward, but why should it be, right?

Exactly.

I love that we can just go right back to being us.

You're amazing.

Oh, well, uh, I'll see you after your shift?

Yeah.

Okay.

I have to go talk to your brother.

How'd it go?

It's over.

Riley and I are officially broken up.

Oh my God, Ben and I are officially back together!

But enough about me.

I need to talk to you about...

Robyn! Hi!

We were just talking about how awesome you are.

Thanks.

What are you doing here?

Oh, well, you know, just thought I'd grab a quick bite with you guys.

Maybe help smooth over some awkward silences.

First dates can be pretty trying, so...

And then she gives me a goodbye kiss.

Are we doing that now? Is that a thing?

When did that start?

Dude, moving on, remember?

The best way to get over one girl is to get under another.

I suggest the one from yesterday.

She's right there.

She'll help you move on, and me move on to that ship.

How can she do that?

See those little stripy thingies on her shoulder?

She's an officer.

If we're with her, no one's gonna ask any questions.

Then I think I need to get on board.

All right, Tucker.

Pull up your anchor, we're going in.

No, seriously, man. Your zipper's down.

I got it.

Bonnie, I just don't understand why you won't marry me?

We're so good together.

Look, Randy, it's not you, it's me.

Well, then I'm willing to work on you.

Okay, let's try this again.

Here.

Look, you were just a rebound to me.

Yeah, that's right. I got dumped by another Navy man, and you are just a painful reminder.

A sexy, slightly stalkery reminder.

Okay then.

Yeah.

Well, I guess there's really nothing I can do.

Buh-bye.

What the... what are you... hey, see that officer over there?

Yeah.

Wanted me to give you his number.

Oh! Oh my gosh, thank you so much!

That's what I love about fleet week.

You can jump one ship, and land right on another.

That was him, wasn't it?

Who was what?

The guy. The guy you're in love with?

Sure, why not.

I'm gonna k*ll him.

Uh, what?

And that's when I realize.

"Hey, I'm in Toronto!"

Oh, and you will not guess what happens after that.

The story ended and you went home?

Ooh, home! What a good idea.

How about you and I go back to your place as soon as I finish this?

Oh look, you're done!

No, no, no, no, no.

You two are not going anywhere.

This next round's on me.

Hello, another round, please.

Thank you.

Question.

What is your return policy on beer?

I'm surprised I've never seen you before.

I realize there are thousands of men on board, but I feel like I would have noticed you, right?

I usually stay in the back.

Well, maybe it's time to promote you to the front?

Tucker: Ben! Ben, where are you?

Tucker?

Tucker, what are you...

Oh God, Ben!

Ben, you gotta hide me, man.

There's a crazy man chasing me.

Tucker?

Ooh, I'll be back for you, later.

Tucker? Oh, Tucker! There you are.

Okay, I just wanna give you a little heads up.

My ex-boyfriend wants to k*ll you, and he knows how to do it 18 different ways.

Oh, great, so I can pick how I want to die. Cool.

(Banging at the door)

Captain: Open this door immediately!

Amber, I hope we're not moving too fast, but I'd like you to meet my mom.

And, it would be super helpful if you could hide her and my best friend.

(Banging continues)

Okay, just hide in the bunks. I'll get rid of him.

(Banging intensifies)

What is the meaning of this, sail... oh my God! Captain, sir.

I am so sorry, sir. I didn't realize it was you, sir.

I'm looking for a gutless traitor.

I haven't seen anyone, sir.

How about I just check the rack myself.

Sorry, sir. I was just checking the beds.

Excellent corners, officer.

There's no one else in here, sir.

Perhaps, whoever you're looking for is in the back.

Hey, honey bunny.

What are you doing here?

What do you know about this, sailor?

Probably less than you do, sir.

Look, let me explain.

Actually, you know what, I can explain.

Actually, there's really nothing to explain.

Because I'm actually not even in the Navy.

Look, "Carrie's costume castle."

Yeah, that's right.

See, you have no power over me because I'm a civilian.

Also known as a taxpayer, which, technically, makes me in charge of you.

Yeah. It doesn't work like that.

Oh, yeah? Well, you know some... so, what time does the buffet start on this thing?

And, do I need a wrist band? I mean, how does it work?

I'll figure it out. I'll figure it out.

Okay, I am so, so, so sorry about that.

It happens every fleet week.

You kinda just gotta roll with it.

Well, I'm ready to roll.

How 'bout you?

You know what? I'm so sorry, I don't think I can do this.

Girl at the bar?

I shouldn't have just let her walk away.

I have to go fight for her.

May I say, she's a really lucky girl.

Thank you so much for understanding.

I just hope it's not too late.

Oh, and just so you know, I'm not really a sailor, either.

Oh, I know.

We don't call it "the back."

(Door rattling)

Hey, guys!

It's Riley.

Uh, I was just stopping by to see how the date's going?

Danny, do you maybe wanna step out here, and have a quick, private chat about it?

Excuse me for a minute.

Hi.

What the hell is going on?

What's so important that you have to interrupt my date?

Twice?

Oh, okay, calm down.

I just came here to warn you that Robyn is just using you as a rebound to get over her ex.

I know. I'm fine with it.

We talked about it last night.

Seriously, what's going on?

How come every time I have a girl in my life, you get over-protective and weird?

No, I don't.

Yes, you do!

You kind of act like a jealous girlfriend.

Oh, well, I'm sorry. That's what friends do.

They protect each other.

No, friends are supportive!

But you, with...

With Milena, Amy, and Georgie... it's like no one's ever good enough for me.

I just care about you.

And if you cared about me, you'd stop doing whatever the hell this is.

Danny, I just... what? You got feelings for me now?

No. Exactly. So, let me get back to my date.

Danny...

What?

I do have feelings for you.

Oh my God.

You got my message.

Yeah.

Can we talk?

I mean, really talk.

I would love to talk.

Oh, I don't even know where to start.

Then let me go first, okay?

I've been having second thoughts about our conversation, all day.

Really?

Oh my God, I've been too.

I think we made a big mistake.

I'm sorry. Can you forgive me?

Forgive you?

Of course.

So then, we agree it's...

It's best if we break up for good.

Yeah, I... wait, what?

Well, you were right.

This...

This was a mistake.

I think I loved you for so long I actually willed you into loving me back.

You know what? I just took you along for my ride.

And the truth is, we'll always be better as friends.

You agree, right?

Yeah.

Friends. Totally.

Well...

I'm kind of proud of us that we can be so mature about this.

(Sighs)

I guess, maybe that's what happens when you really love someone.

I love you, Ben.

I love you, too.

So, I'm not exactly sure what just happened around here.

But I think that your dad finally broke up with Riley, and Riley may or may not have feelings for your uncle Danny.

And for whatever reason I thought it was a good idea to turn down a proposal from a gorgeous guy with ***

***

Yeah, see this? Turns out there is something that they can do to civilians.