02x07 - Citizen Ship

[bunniefuu]

(Horn playing "America the Beautiful")

(Cheering)

It's the little American.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Both: Jaime, what's wrong?

Well, I, um, I failed the test.

(Both gasp)

And I'm getting deported.

Jaime, those old white dudes are impossible to tell apart.

I know, babe, I know.

(Sniffling)

Just kidding!

I passed the test!

Ah... oh, man!

Tomorrow I become a true American.

I got you, I got you, I got you!

Yeah, Jaime!

I believed you...

It was scary.

My heart, it was exploding.

I'm so sorry.

It's so good, though.

Hemos, tonight is going to be a night that you are never, ever gonna forget.

We are going to sail right past the Statue of Liberty, like the true American immigrants did.

It's unbelievable that we live in a city where our ancestors passed through Ellis Island.

Yeah... mine didn't.

Right. Right, right, right.

Men: ♪ four and three and two and one-one ♪

So, Melody can only put my name on the list because her law firm's like, really strict and rich, or whatever, but it should be fine.

Dude, Melody owes you.

Her boyfriend lives in your apartment...

Like, completely free.

I wonder if that Aryan ghost will even appear tonight.

No, Melody's gonna be here.

She e-mailed me to tell me there's gonna be like, all this free booze and all this free food.

I brought ziplocs, pass it down.

Okay, have fun.

Name.

Hello, I am Abbi Abrams, thank you.

A...

No, no, no, no, I don't see it.

It's Abbi with an "I".

Uh, nope.

How are you possibly reading all the names?

You're going so fast.

I... this is my space, so just, please.

Okay.

Oh, there it is, okay.

Yes.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

But it's not plus three, so...

Okay, um, I have an assistant, and they called.

Chrissy, did you not call... to change the confirmation like I asked you to?

Did you mess up my plans once again and not call to change?

I'm so sorry, I forgot.

We're trying to get on the boat.

This is an important business boat meeting...

Just please don't hit me in front of everybody.

You know what, your mom d*ed two weeks ago, Chrissy!

Get your (Bleep) together! I'm so sorry.

No, it's fine.

Just get on the boat, just get on the boat.

I don't care.

All right, we'll deal with this later.

I don't care.

Okay, thank you.

I want to give this to you.

Bye-bye, balloons.

Wait up.

♪ Cha-cha cha-cha cha cha ♪
♪ cha-cha cha cha ♪
♪♪

(Laughing)

It's fantastic.

You have like, a full-blown family.

Well... how old is your daughter?

Well, she was born in Q-3 of '012, so she's 11-quarters old.

Lincoln: Maybe I should start wearing belts with seafood on 'em.

I bet every guy on this boat is into annas with bananas.

Huh?

Denises the penises.

Gals with dongs, bro.

Oh.

Lawyers love 'em, so hot.

You say that about every single white-collar professional.

(Scoffing)

So, where do you guys live?

Together: Murray Hill.

But I'm moving to Williamsburg!

This is gonna take forever.

You know what, Jaime, this is your night.

You're not waiting in line like some bridge and tunnel club meet.

It's okay.

Yeah, you know what, why don't you guys go check out the view?

We'll wait it out. What do you want?

Really?

Yeah.

Okay, I want a gin and vodka maraschino sizzle, okay, with curacao, and a...

And a little splash of crème de menthe.

That sounds good. I'll have one, too.

Okay.

Two, coming up.

Okay, bye.

They are totally getting beer.

Bevers: Hey, Abi-dab!

Oh, Bevers.

Melody and I have been looking for you guys everywhere.

She just went to the can, she had to take a doody.

I'm sure she'll be so happy you told us.

You guys aren't waiting in line for the bar, are you?

You don't have to do that.

(Whispering) I know where they keep the liquor.

Um, we're fine, waiting.

What? No. Trust me, I've sailed on this boat with Melody for 12 quarters now.

I know all its secrets.

The captain is a m*rder*r.

What?

Really?

(Mocking) Yeah, really.

They don't let murderers be captains.

Come on, let's go.

Come on, let's get some stuff.

Come on, come on.

Ah... all right.

Whoa!

Whoa, Bevers.

You actually pulled through.

Abbi, you never give me enough credit.

I got moves you never seen.

Okay, let's just get the drinks and go, all right?

Yeah... yeah, yeah, yeah.

(Bottles clanking)

This is good.

Okay.

This is good.

(Door clanking)

It's locked?

It's not my fault.

Help, somebody!

r*pe! r*pe!

Dude!

You're supposed to yell "r*pe" in emergencies.

No, it's "fire," you yell "fire."

Oh, fine. Fire!

Fire!

Hello!

Wait, wait, move out of the way.

I'm gonna ram the door.

The man is gonna ram the door.

Wanna see me ram it?

Ah! (Bleep)

(Bevers moaning)

Abbi: Are you okay?

Well, yeah.

Fire!

Fire and r*pe!

r*pe and fire!

Fire r*pe!

Still no service. Uhh!

I honestly have always thought that we'd die in each other's arms at sea.

Ah! Balls.

Sorry, Abbi, I broke your Starbucks gift card.

Bevers, I still had $17 on that.

Well, maybe now you can start supporting local businesses.

Listen, there are 250 lawyers on this boat.

These guys drink a lot.

So, if each one of them has at least three drinks per hour, that's 750 drinks every hour.

What is this, the 2400 point SAT?

(Mocking) No, silly.

(Normal voice) It's simple math.

They're gonna have to restock the bar in 20 to 25 minutes.

We only wanna hang out with each other anyway, right?

(Chuckling)

So, what's the vibe gonna be like at the naturalization ceremony?

Can I wear my American flag tie, or would that be too gauche?

Hold on, I'm gonna be wearing my American flag contact lenses.

Yeah, they burn me very badly.

I should stop.

Hey, cheers to you, dude, for becoming a citizen, and also to me... this is my first time ever on a boat.

No, really?

No, prank, man.

I'm a well-to-do dentist, of course I've been on a boat before.

Ah, you got me.

Cheers.

That is how we cheers in Latin America.

Really?

No, man, prank, bitch.

(Both laughing)

I'm stealin' that one.

Abbi: Okay, I got one.

Captain Morgan...

Jack Daniels, Svedka vodka, robot...

Ilana: Easy... k*ll the dudes,

(bleep) and marry that robot.

You guys know that human-robot marriage is gonna be the civil rights issue of our lifetime?

Oh, really?

Bevers: I got one.

Would you rather drink a cup of mayonnaise, or a cup of jazz?

What the (Bleep) is jazz?

You know, you jerk off and jazz sh**t out.

I knew that that was gonna be something awful.

Why did we ask?

I like to call it jazz because it comes out of my horn and you never know where it's gonna go.

That is so gross.

(With Patois accent) Me hearing a lot of chitchat.

Me don't hear you answering that question, why?

And you never will.

I would chug the jazz.

(Chuckling)

Jaime: Lincoln, can I tell you a secret?

I want to practice talking in an American accent, but I'm very scared.

You're in international waters, man, spread your wings.

Okay, I do this for you.

Um...

(American accent) I love hamburgers... and I love DUI's.

Man: Hey, bro, do I know you from Michigan state?

Were you Delta Sig?

Eh...

(American accent) That's correct, bro-sef.

I was a frat bro upon the campus.

I knew it.

Uh, Abbi, I don't think anybody washed those.

I don't even care, I am so hungry right now.

You're in luck, you can eat some of my shrimp.

Bevers, why do you have shrimp in your pocket?

Because the shrimp is always the first thing to get eaten on these boats.

I gave you a ziploc this morning, did I not?

And she is occupato.

You're welcome.

Dude, check this out.

Abbi: Oh, my God.

Whoopsie.

It was supposed to be a surprise.

I'm gonna propose to Melody tonight.

(Vocalizing dramatic fanfare) Bom-bom bwooom.

I really haven't thought about it, but I'd be posh spice.

Oh, you're so posh spice.

I wish there could've been like, a Latina one called "the spicy spice," but this is just a fantasy of mine.

Open your eyes, man.

Shakira is spicy spice.

Oh... my God.

You're a genius.

Wait, this is insane.

I mean, have you even talked to Melody about this?

No, but we've been dating for like, 12 quarters.

I mean, three years.

It just feels like it's time.

Besides, we already live together.

No, you do not live together.

You have your own apartment.

Jesus!

Does this mean that you'd be moving out?

I've been dreading this conversation, but, yeah, I know, I feel sad about it, too.

I actually wanted to ask you, though, if you would be my best man.

Bevers, you have four brothers.

But, I feel like you're the one who really, really gets me.

When we get out of here, I'm gonna pop the big "Q" in front of everybody.

I already worked it all out with the DJ.

I'm such a showboat.

This is rude, I'm sorry, but bride marriage keeps women treated like property.

I thought all women wanted to get married.

Wake up, Bevers.

Yeah, one day.

No offense, but women don't hit their sexual peak until their extremely late 30's.

I just feel like you guys are young to be lockin' it down.

Government-mandated monogamy is for old people, like Facebook invites or network TV.

Or it's not, Ilana.

Bevers, you love this woman.

She is your lock and key.

Marry her, start a new life together, get a new apartment.

Go for it, man.

I'm the king of America!

All right, switch, now I get to be Rose.

Okay, okay.

I'm confused.

You and Lincoln seem like a pretty serious couple.

We're sex friends... although we haven't had sex in like, four days.

You know, today I was actually with him all day, but I didn't see his d*ck once.

Melody and I haven't had sex in weeks, on purpose, though.

It's called "edging."

Edging?

It's like when you get yourself super aroused, but you don't blow your orgasm, you never blow your orgasm.

You know how whales have that blow hole?

Yeah, o... okay.

Ab, do you think Lincoln and I are like a "couple"?

I don't know, I mean, you've been spending a lot more time with him lately, right?

And if you're not having sex, he's either your boyfriend or your best friend.

Ow!

You are my best friend!

Don't you ever call anybody else that!

What the (Bleep)?

He's not my boyfriend!

I'm wild and I'm free!

I'm a sexual X-man, I'm Wolverine.

I'm Vulva-rine.

(Bevers with British accent) Me thinks the lady doth protest too much.

Ew!

(Screaming)

Let us out!

God!

Jesus.

What are you guys doing in there?

It smells like balls in here.

No, no! My Insulin!

Ilana: If Lincoln and I are a couple, it's like, why did my ancestors even come here?

Abbi: I don't know.

Why don't you just have sex with Lincoln?

And then you're back to being friends, right?

You got beauty, you got brains, you're a (Bleep) genius.

Do you want a kiss?

That's okay. Are you sure?

Abbi! Ilana!

Oh... saved by the bell.

The boys with the penises!

Where have you been?

Oh, it's coming.

Lincoln: We were looking everywhere for you.

Except, we forgot to look for you.

Hey, do either of you two have like, a Kn*fe?

Because me and Lincoln want to become blood brothers.

Blood brothers.

Abbi: I have an idea.

♪ We should drink more, ooh, whoa ♪
♪ Oh, oh, whoa-oh ♪

Let's go, I'll go get some drinks.

Not you, you little bois.

We are gonna do it, right now.

Yeah?

P to P.

P to P?

Pubes to pubes.

Pubes...

Come on.

That's a weird way to say that, but...

♪ ♪

Hey! There are people (Bleep) in here!

Rude!

Man: Oh, yeah. Uh-huh.

Yeah! Oh, yeah!

Oh! Ah, yeah!

Oh, hey, what's up, man?

I remember you from earlier.

He's a nice guy.

What's up, man?

Y'all have a good one.

Enjoy.

♪ ♪

(Klaxon sounding)

On PA: Ladies and gentlemen, we're going down.

I'm kidding!

You all know what that sound means... it's a love emergency!

And we're gonna need Mattie Bevers to the mic.

Help me bring Bevers up here, ladies and gentlemen!

Bevers!

(Chanting) Bevers! Bevers!

(Whispering) Abbi, I don't think I can do this.

Yes, you can, you can marry Melody and you can build a life that is... that is completely outside of my apartment.

No!

Tell her what you told me...

All night long.

DJ: There he is! There's the man of the hour!

Do it, you can do this.

(Cheering and clapping)

Hi, uh, tonight is a very special night, because of a very special lady, Melody, are you here?

Whoo! Okay, great.

Uh, Melody, tonight, we're on a boat...

Man: Whoo!

On the water, nice facilities, great crew, beautiful skyline.

Uh, yeah, so Abbi... is my best man.

Abbi's the man, Abbi's the man.

She's the man.

(Whooping and clapping)

Abbi...

Abbi's transitioning into becoming a man, and I'm just so proud of her.

What?

(Whispering) You talk now, your turn.

(Whooping and clapping)

DJ: Come on out here and talk to us.

Come on, give it up for Andy!

Thank you, um...

Uh...

Okay, yeah...

It's true.

It's true.

Uh, I'm becoming a man!

I am becoming... a man!

Abbi, I need you to go talk to Melody.

She's in the bathroom again, but she's not doodying.

She thought I was gonna propose, and she says I embarrassed her in front of her whole firm.

Why didn't you propose?

Because of you.

You and Ilana made me realize that we shouldn't be getting married yet.

We're too young.

So, you told everyone I'm transitioning into becoming a man.

All the lawyers are now into me.

Oh, you're way too good for any of these lawyers.

Thanks.

Please, will you help me?

I love Melody so much, but she won't talk to me.

Can you just go talk girl stuff to her?

Fine.

Don't get too sloppy.

I need you to be on top of your game.

Melody, it's Abbi.

I just wanna say first that I'm not...

I'm not becoming a man.

That was weird and confusing.

But I... I know that you're upset, um, and it's none of my business, but I know how much Bevers loves you, and I know that you... you love him, too, for some reason, and as much as I hate that he's always in our apartment,

'cause it's a lot... he's there a lot.

Like, listen, I think we need to actually schedule a time to talk about that, like, just the two of us,

'cause he just eats all of my stuff.

He's not my cup of tea, but he really cares about you.

And I just hope that you know that even though he didn't propose, that doesn't make what you guys have any less special.

It doesn't.

I would love for someone to love me like that.

I love you like that.

Ilana? What the (Bleep).

Don't be mad, please.

Were you having sex in there?

We were just wiping up.

Where the (Bleep) is Melody?

Hi.

Ilana: Jaime, I am so sorry.

We almost missed this moment.

Tonight, you know, I ate for free, I drank for free.

I made out with a very straight man by the fire extinguisher, too.

This is what America is really about, I think.

Abbi, thank you so much for talking to Melody for me.

I did not talk to Melody.

I have not seen her at all tonight.

Oh, really?

Well, somebody must've sweet-talked her,

'cause we just boned in a lifeboat.

There was so much jazz.

(Shivering)

There she is.

Oh, she's so beautiful.

(Orchestra playing "America the Beautiful")

Lincoln: Ow, my d*ck.

It's too romantic, I'm sorry.

Ah, we just had sex.

It's still sore.

I'm in my refractory period, you gotta let me rebuild.

Fine, I'll be gentler.

(Orchestra playing "America the Beautiful")

Ah, romantic again.

Ilana!

man on PA: Frederick Chu.

(applause)

Alia Hanoon.

Ilana: Cute. I'm into it.

Abbi: Oh, my God.

That's disgusting.

That's disgusting, right?

Oh, Guy Fieri.

I could roll with that, he's go a good life.

He's always in that convertible, gettin' food.

Oh, my God, you look so good with Bieber hair.

You should honestly get that now, I'm not even kidding.

Ew, no.

I really feel like you fit as these dudes.

I... I'd (bleep) 'em all.

I really appreciate that, but I think it's more important for me to be a woman right now.

Lincoln, did you see this?

I'm sorry, I'm too hung over.

My eyes can't focus on a fixed point right now.

man on PA: Jaime Castro.

(cheering)

Ow! Ow!

(triumphant fanfare)