01x06 - Series 1, Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

Music: An Argument With Myself by Jens Lekman

♪ Having an argument with myself down Elizabeth Street ♪
♪ Bumping into backpackers ♪
♪ And struggling with the parameters and the basic construction of my feet ♪
♪ Kicking beer cans and rubbish along the concrete ♪
♪ Crossing the street, and crossing galaxies of taxis and back seats ♪
♪ And drunk Swedes and half-Greeks ♪
♪ Shut up! No, you shut up! ♪
♪ What's the matter? Take a number, Buttercup ♪
♪ Every time I hear you say f*ck it ♪
♪ I will remind you of the photo in your pocket ♪
♪ How long it's been there ♪
♪ Two years, I bet ♪
♪ Have a sniff ♪
♪ It's gonna smell like a cigarette ♪
♪ When was the last time you smoked a cigarette? ♪
♪ And more importantly ♪
♪ Who did you smoke it with? ♪

(Alarms ring)

(Confused shouting)

(Inaudible)

(Coughing)

Woman: My baby!

(Song resumes)

(Song ends)

Banana!

(Music plays)

(Gasps)

(Siren wails)

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Yeah?

Your lace. It's undone.

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

Wh... wh...

Aren't you gonna... ?

Well, I was just going to... wait.

Till...

It's pretty busy.

(He sighs)

(Phone beeps)

Right...

Amy: Um... 'If... If... Oh... If... Ooh! If she looks at me before Deansgate... I'll say yes.'

Announcement: The next stop will be Deansgate-Castlefield.

'Oh, sh*t.'

'Come on, look at me, look at me. Look at me... Look at me... Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Look at... Ugh. Just look up!'

'Not even at me. Just anywhere! That still counts.'

'Come on. Look up. Look up. Look up. Look up. Look up. Look up. Look up. Look up! Look up! Look up! Look up! Look up!'

Yes!

Sorry.

All right?

Hiya.

Police been in touch?

Uh... yeah. We're actually going for a drink tonight, so...

Oh!

So, what are you wearing?

Well, I just thought, um... this?

Hiya. £2.50, love.

Oh, no, sorry. Actually, I just wondered where Stefan was, cos I haven't seen him for a while.

Who?

Stefan? The guy who normally sells it here. He's Polish.

Do you know where he is?

No idea.

Cos I owe him £2.

You borrowed money off him?

Oh, no. No, no. No, no. I just... I always buy it off him, and the other day I didn't have enough, and he said I could give it to him when I saw him again, and now I don't know where he is.

Jesus. Two quid!

(Gasps and groans)

Robbie?

Yeah?

Do you have to know someone really well to file a missing person's report?

What?

Nothing.

Amy?

Hey.

Oh, hi. Hi.

Sorry.

I don't know why I did that.

Um... do you want a drink?

Yeah, thanks.

Sorry, what do you want?

Surprise me.

'sh*t.'

Uh...

Hmm...

Uh...

'Right, if he serves me, it's wine. White wine.'

'Red.'

'Her... beer. Right.'

'Come on. Wine. Wine. Wine. Wine. Wine. Wine. Wine. Wine. Wine. Wine. Wine. Wine. Wine. Wine. Wine. Wine. Wine. Wine. Wine. Wine. Wine.'

'Yes!'

What can I get you?

Oh.

It's nice to meet you.

Yeah, you too.

So, we're both, um, filthy southerners?

Yeah, look at us.

Coming up here, taking their jobs, marrying their women.

I'm not even sorry.

How long have you lived up here?

Oh, um... couple of years. Yeah. I... um... moved up here for...

Well, um, to be with a lady.

Ah! A lady?

Well, turns out she wasn't actually a lady.

Oh?

No, I don't mean she was a man.

Right.

No, I mean... I mean... not a "lady" as in, well behaved. You know?

She f*ck you over?

Yeah.

Ah. Sorry.

Oh, sorry. You said you had a bad night last night.

Oh, God, yeah.

Can you... say? Are you allowed to talk about it?

It was a m*rder.

Oh, f*ck.

Yeah.

It was...

f*ck, it was brutal.

He confessed.

The bloke who did it.

He called us. He was waiting for us.

Seriously?

Yeah.

We arrived, and he was just... there, sitting with the body, catatonic, holding this golf club.

A golf club?

Yeah.

You can k*ll someone with a golf club?

If you twat someone hard enough over the head with one, you can.

Anyway... sorry. Let's not talk about that.

OK.

Sorry, actually, can I just... while we're on the subject...

What?

Can I ask you something?

Sure.

Have you heard of any, um, dead homeless men, specifically Big Issue sellers, in the last...

I dunno... say, week?

Um... no.

OK. Right.

Why?

Have you m*rder*d one?

No! No, no. No.

I just... I can't find one.

OK.

And I owe him some money.

You owe a homeless man money?

No. Yeah, God... No, I do realise how that sounds.

No, that's not what... No.

Basically, I just owe him for the magazine.

I always buy it off him, and I didn't have the right change, and, anyway, I always say, "Keep the change," so, you know, technically, I don't actually owe him any money.

I mean, technically, he owes me.

Um...

No, that's... I didn't mean like that.

Um...

No, I just... Um...

Oh, God.

You think I'm a d*ck, don't you?

No.

♪ Let's get this started, girl ♪
♪ We're moving up, we're moving up ♪
♪ It's been a lot to change ♪
♪ But you will always get what you want... ♪

I like that.

What?

Oh, thanks.

Also, very useful for identifying your dead body.

What?

Well, let's just say you were found dead, and the police weren't sure who you were.

OK, cheerful(!)

That's a distinguishing mark.

It's unique.

(Siren wails)

Sorry?

Are you all right? You seem...

Back in a sec.

Mum. Hi, it's me.

It's permanent but, you know. I mean...

Well, noth... nothing's permanent.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

Right, look. Anyway, look, I'm really sorry but just, for future reference, it's of a tiny face.

The tattoo!

And left wrist.

No, just in case the worst comes to the worst.

PIN number, please.

(Knocking)

(Mouths)

Oh, sh*t.

(Inaudible)

And can you, um...

Can you maybe bring the food back? Is that...

No, course you can't.

(Mouths)

I'm so sorry.

I just went for a f*g.

I'm sorry, I just thought you'd...

Just...

Right...

Well, it was nice to meet you.

No, no, no, no, no. I... I didn't mean...

What?

I don't know.

It was just that thing you said about tattoos and identifying people and stuff.

What?

All right, look, this sounds ridiculous and you'll think I'm mad but, um, I don't know, you seem nice and... Plus, you're in the police so you've probably spent time around people who are actually mad, or, you know, more mad, or madder, whatever you say... Oh, f*ck it! Look, my mum doesn't know about this, she hates tattoos, and so I didn't ever tell her, and I just wear a watch to cover it up whenever I see her. I actually bought a Swatch specifically to wear, and it's weird because she always says she likes the watch and then I feel guilty and I keep meaning to tell her but it's been about two years now... Anyway, no...

When you said that thing about if I d*ed, I suddenly just thought, you know,

"Oh, God, what if that actually happened and what if someone went round and double-checked it was me by mentioning the tattoo," and she'd think it wasn't my body when actually it was, and she'd be relieved for a bit but then it would be me, so it would be worse. Actually, it would almost...

It would be a double tragedy, and I wouldn't even be there to apologise because I'd be dead.

So I just thought I should, um, ring her and tell her.

You did that just now?

Yep. She's quite pissed off.

How old are you again?

I'm nearly 30.

I know. Um...

I... I worry. I worry a lot.

OK.

I'm quite weird.

OK.

Anyway, yeah, um...

It was really nice to meet you.

And, um... But I'm sorry about... you know? Yeah.

Bye.

Oi.

Do you fancy another drink?

Really?

You're buying.

Come on!

I'm freezing my tits off.

Can I nick a f*g?

(LAUGHS) Now you're really taking the piss.

Go on.

So, come on, tell me, what do you worry about?

Everything.

Right, give me an example.

Really? Cos this isn't, you know... this isn't sexy chat.

Oh, no. You see, that's where you're mistaken.

This is basically foreplay for me.

Oh, f*ck off.

(Laughs)

Come on. Give me an example.

Um... well, I always think my flat's going to blow up.

So I have to kind of... check things.

I have to check things loads of times before I can leave.

Right.

My friend's dad had this toaster that caught fire in the night once.

Really?

Yeah. It just... I don't know. Yeah, it just...

It blew up. Massive fire. Um...

So there's that.

That's not unusual, though, is it?

I mean, you know, lots of people check stuff.

That's just common sense.

Yeah.

I guess so.

I worry about people dying.

A lot.

And I worry about, I don't know, causing people pain. All that... All that stuff.

That's not a bad thing, though, is it?

I always have to land on my right foot.

What?

When I take the stairs.

Yeah, I try to learn which foot to start on, left or right, with familiar staircases, and usually I remember, but sometimes, if I don't, I have to sort of go back and start again.

Um... I convince myself that something bad will happen if I don't.

Unless I'm in a hurry.

You know, if I can see I'm going to land on my left, then I just jump and miss a few.

OK.

Yeah, maybe that's a bit more, um, extreme.

I broke my ankle last year.

What?

Yeah. I slightly misjudged the, er... the jump.

Are you serious?

(Kay guffaws)

You twat.

(Both laugh)

One for the road?

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

So, um, how do you get home from here?

Oh, just... bus. Yeah, not far.

Right.

How about you?

I can walk.

Oh, right.

(She gasps)

(Chokes)

Can I walk you home?

What?

Not... not... I didn't mean, you know... like...

I didn't mean like that.

I just... I just... to walk with you, and then I'll...

I'll go.

You know?

OK.

OK.

That'd be nice.

OK, great.

You're a gent.

f*ck off.

So what were you like as a kid?

Um, fat with a bowl cut.

(Both laugh)

No. I mean, did you worry then?

Oh, God, yeah, it was awful. It was really awful.

Much worse than now.

I used to have to pray for my whole family every night, to keep them safe, you know, cos they'd all die if I forgot.

It was completely ridiculous.

I used to have to say the Lord's Prayer, then the Grace, then go through them all by name, extended family and friends too, obviously, about 40 people in total, and if I'd missed someone off, which I usually did, mainly my mum's friend Janet, for some reason, I'd have to start all over again.

It was f*cking exhausting.

Are your parents religious?

Nope.

No idea where that one came from.

I had terrible haircuts as a kid.

Did you?

Yeah.

The worst was this square shaped little Afro.

I looked like a f*cking Lego man.

Ah!

What?

Right, just wait there a second.

Right, um... Sorry, this is actually really rude, but if I promise to pay you back, can I borrow two quid? I haven't got any change left.

Erm... yeah.

Thank you so much.

Stefan!

Hey!

(Indistinct)

Amy: No, no, I do. I owe it you.

And I'll see you next week.

He's not dead, then?

Not dead, and all debts settled.

Well, transferred.

sh*t, yes. Sorry.

Right, then. That's me.

OK.

Thanks for walking me back.

Well, if I'm going to be a proper gent, I should probably walk you to the door.

Unless that sounds weird.

No.

That sounds fine.

Right.

Right.

'If that light goes on, I'll kiss her.'

'Turn on. Turn on. Turn on. Turn on. Turn on. Turn on. Turn on. Turn on.'

Do you know, I think I actually know someone who lives round here.

You don't know a guy called, um...

Matt, do you?

Matt what?

'Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please.'

Matt... Oh, God, I can't remember. Um...

He's... he's about... he's about... that tall...

Um...

'Oh, Christ, please. Please. Please. Please.'

He's got... just sort of... just...

'Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please.'

... brown hair.

He had a beard recently.

Um, sort of slim.

Slim-ish. 'For f*ck's sake!'

'Just turn on, please God, just for a second, just for one tiny second. A tiny, tiny, tiny second. Just a tiny f*cking... !'

Music: 100,000 Thoughts by Tap Tap

So... I kind of want to invite you in but there's a bit of a problem.

Oh, what?

I live on the fifth floor.

What's wrong with that?

Well, that's loads of stairs.

I've no idea which foot you should start on.

We could be here all f*cking night.

♪ And all around my head ♪
♪ And most amazingly so ♪
♪ You slipped into my dream ♪
♪ And now I can't remember anything ♪