02x07 - Let Pythons Be Pythons

[bunniefuu]

As we rode out into another Chicago morning, we didn't know what to expect.

We knew not what to expect.

We had no idea what awaited us.

Brian, what the hell you doing, buddy?

Just found out my phone has this really cool recording app and was like, "hello, I obviously need to dictate my memoirs."

Oh, obviously.

So, um, no spoilers, but you're both heavily featured in my book.

Great.

Everyone, Brian is writing his memoirs.

So be careful what you say and do in front of him.

You could end up in a best seller.

Good for you, Brian.

Stats here. I've been writing a book too.

It's an erotic space fantasy about a brainy woman astronaut who's lost in space, and she finds herself on a planet inhabited by handsome male aliens.

I'm listening.

It's really cool.

The planet has three moons.

I don't want to be locked into the moon thing yet.

You got to keep the moons.

That's my favorite part, Stats.

Sex in zero gravity, that's my favorite part.

Oh, think about it, bro. Sex in zero gravity would suck.

There's no torque. There's no friction.

It's all about torque and friction.

Right, good point.

Chicago North, ambulance needed, car accident, corner of Grobowski and Kernin.

Vehicle spun out into firehouse.

That's engine 17.

My dad used to work at that house.

Ambulance 14 responding.

"Ambulance 14 responding."

How many times have you heard that phrase?

But this time, it was personal.

Johnny, driving as quick as he could...

Brian, knock it off.

I'm sorry.

Right now.

Sorry, okay, okay.

[Hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

[Cell phone ringing]

Hey, babe.

No way. I love you more.

[Chuckles]

What's up? Yeah, anything.

Oh, uh...

I don't know about that.

Uh, yeah, babe, yeah.

Okay.

I'll ask her right now. Okay.

Hey, um, T, can we pick up Maeve real quick?

Why, she finally decided to turn herself in?

Oh, my God, what'd she do?

Nothing, Billy.

Oh, she just really needs a ride across town, and her car's in the shop.

Billy, as police officers on duty, do you think we should be picking Maeve and driving her around as though we're her own private taxi service?

Is that something you think we should be doing?

No, but could you tell her that?

It's not that I'm frightened of her, it's just that I'm afraid of her sometimes.

Listen close, Maeve, there's no way in hell that we are giving you a ride.

I mean, do you honestly think that I'm gonna waste taxpayers' hard-earned dollars hauling your ass around town?

There's a sample sale at Evangelina Nessick's in 15 minutes.

See you there in five.

[Tires screeches, alarm whoops]

She's kind of hard to say "no" to, right?

Where we headed, T?

Sample sale.

Here's the deal, we're gonna haul ass over there, I'm gonna find the perfect pair of skinny jeans, and if we get a call, then we'll dump Maeve on her ass on a curb somewhere.

It's a win-win.

All right, all right.

We about to get so many samples.

What's a sample sale?

[Siren wailing]

Where is everyone?

Got to be out on a call.

Holy sh*t.

Ooh, Jesus Christ.

Is it bad?

Oh, wow. Oh, jeez.

sh*t.

sh*t. sh*t.

[Woman whimpering]

Okay, let's just keep calm. Keep calm.

Keep calm? You keep calm.

Are you in pain, miss?

Not really...

Except for the huge frickin' python around my neck.

Okay, noticed that.

Well, we're here to help.

Okay, so it's just a start... But, oh, it looked at me.

It looked at me... it looked me directly in the eyes.

Brian, call animal control.

On it.

Oh, wow.

What's your name, miss?

Cindy.

Hi, Cindy. I'm Hank. This is Johnny.

Hi.

Now, Cindy, the first thing we have to do is get that snake...

It's a python.

Great.

Get that python off your neck.

Our colleague Brian is calling animal control.

Eight years, bro. It's my first python.

Where's animal control?

I'm on hold.

[Screams] It's getting tighter!

We got to try something.

Okay, yeah.

Why don't you honk the horn? Maybe that'll scare it off.

What? You want me to honk the horn?

Yeah.

You said that like you weren't sure.

No, I mean, yeah. Yeah, honk the horn.

She should honk the horn, right?

Right?

Yeah, yeah.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

[Horn honks]

[Whimpers] It's getting tighter!

Okay, no more horn.

Cindy, does the python have a name?

Lord Byron.

That's a fancy name for a snake.

Yeah, it looks more like a Paul.

Listen, I didn't name it.

My pretentious douche bag ex-boyfriend did.

Dickwad left me for that whore, Trish, so I took his favorite thing, a huge snake.

It's ironic, because his penis is tiny.

It's just so tiny!

Hmm.

It's a tiny penis.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Um, how did the snake get around your neck?

It must have escaped from its cage in the backseat.

We're dealing with a highly intelligent snake here, guys.

Okay, I'm gonna try something.

Here, Lord Byron.

Come on, snakey snake.

[Whistles]

Here, buddy. Come on, little fella.

Huh. [Whistles]

Huh!

What are you doing?

Huh?

It's not a dog.

It doesn't have ears, does it?

I don't know. I don't see any.

I think they hear through vibrations.

What the hell are we gonna do with that information, Brian?

Get a step team out here? Where's animal control?

They said they were slammed.

Did you tell them we're dealing with a giant, frickin' snake?

I did, but the woman on the phone kept yelling at me about budget cuts, like it was my fault.

Maybe she was going through some other stuff, I don't know.

Anyway, I'm not so positive they're gonna be out here anytime soon.

This is what happens when you cut public services.

Cindy, we're gonna have to call your boyfriend.

Ex.

Okay, whatever he is.

Where's your phone?

In my purse in the backseat.

I got it.

Be careful.

Oh, holy cow! Ah, I touched its tail.

It feels like a ghost went through me.

Okay, what's his name?

Scott.

Okay.

Oh.

But his name in my phone is sh*t head.

Right.

It's gonna be fine.

Hey, is it...

No, no, it's not Cindy. I'm an EMT.

Cindy was involved in a car accident, but she's fine.

He ask how I was?

Yeah, I have your snake.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, if anybody's a psycho, it's the person who bought that huge frickin' thing in the first place.

That's not a house pet, bro.

I don't care if you bought it when you were high.

Everybody buys something weird when they're high.

Tell him if he gets back together with me, I'll give him back his snake.

Cindy, no.

He left you for that tramp Trish.

He doesn't deserve you.

And he has a tiny penis.

All good points.

Say it.

Say it.

Cindy says that if you get back together with her, she will give you Lord Byron back.

Cool name, by the way.

Right.

He says he's with Trish now, and you're crazy.

Will you tell him he's a...

No, I'm not getting in the middle of this.

You have a snake wrapped around your neck.

Priorities, Cindy.

Come on, Scott.

Be a human being here.

Is there anything you can tell me that might help us out?

Oh, yeah. Oh, really?

Well, you know what? Screw you, pal.

Have fun with Trish. assh*le.

He's such an assh*le, right?

[Sniffles]

Cindy, uh, just gonna...

Will you give us a second?

Be right here.

Okay.

How are we gonna get that snake off her neck if animal control doesn't show up?

As we contemplated what to do with the snake, I could see that Hank was formulating a plan.

Plan, what plan?

I thought if I dictated it, it would come true, like a "if you build it, they will come" scenario.

Why don't you make yourself a hero of your own story and go in there and get the snake?

I prefer to be the omnipotent narrator.

It's omniscient, bro.

How do you know that?

My ninth grade English teacher was really hot.

Brian, go see if you can find anyone in the firehouse.

If they're napping or some sh*t, wake them up.

See, that's a plan. The dictation worked.

Oh, you know what?

What?

I might have something.

Hey, Cindy, um, can you do me a favor?

Can you open your trunk?

Can you reach it?

Shh.

[Click, thunk]

Ah, thank you.

What are you doing?

Oh, here we go.

What are you gonna do with that, club it?

No, I'm gonna... I'm gonna poke it.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, we got to do something.

Hey, Cindy, um...

I am going to poke the python.

Okay.

[Gasps]

I think it's getting looser.

Oh, I think it's working.

Yeah, yeah, more.

Okay. Yeah, there we go.

Yeah.

I think it's loosening up.

[Both yelling, muttering]

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, it ran right at me!

The snake ran right at me. I jumped over it.

Did you see where it went?

It was going towards a rig.

Ah, what if it slides in there and touches my stuff?

Either way, there's no way in hell we're going in that firehouse.

Or the rig.

Chicago North, ambulance needed...

Hey, hey, how you feeling?

14, you in the vicinity?

We are dealing with a python situation at the firehouse.

We can't go anywhere.

If that's a metaphor, I'm jealous.

Unfortunately, it is not.

It stinks back here.

It's not a limo, Maeve.

Look, it's cruel and unusual smelling.

You want to switch seats, babe?

Yes.

No.

Well, I'd open a window, but I can't.

It's because we don't want the criminals to get out, Maeve.

You were mean as a child, and you're mean now.

Oh, wah.

[Exhales]

[Thud]

♪ Sample sales ♪

Ugh, fresh air.

It smells like hobo farts in there.

Hey, remember, if we get a call, we're abandoning your ass, and you have to buy me those red leather flats.

Of course you would want those.

What's that supposed to mean?

That you have the taste of a 50-year-old lesbian.

Oh, no.

If this is a sample sale, I don't think I like it.

I think I'm just gonna wait in the car.

No, we need you.

Why?

To hold our stuff.

How's your breathing?

Fine.

Any neck pain?

No, not really.

Looks like the python around your neck prevented any whiplash.

Cool.

That is cool.

It's frickin' awesome, is what it is.

Yeah.

This is gonna make a great chapter in my memoir.

Don't worry, I won't use your real name.

Call me Trish, Trish Razinski. No, you could get [Car honking] in legal trouble for that.

Trish Slutski. Slutski.

Okay.

Nice.

It's Polish.

Hey, Johnny.

Hey, Stink hands.

What's going on here?

Uh, long story short, she crashed her car, and there is a python in your firehouse or our rig.

My bad.

No sh*t?

No sh*t.

Huh. How's your dad?

Uh, he's good, I think.

What the hell is happening here?

Uh, there's a python in the firehouse.

Bullshit. You got pranked, Stink hands.

No, no, it is not a prank.

There is an honest-to-God python somewhere in there.

It escaped from Cindy's car.

Yeah, right.

Okay.

Ooh! sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

That's a big-ass snake.

Yeah.

It's yours?

My ex's, but like I was telling these guys, it's all compensation.

How about me and you take a tour of the fire truck?

Sure.

Yeah.

[Giggles] Hi.

Wow, that was impressive.

Why do girls like firemen?

They point a hose, big deal.

We just got a python off that girl's neck.

Seriously. They save more cats than people.

We save more people in a month than they do in their entire careers.

Hey, you guys need any help over here?

No, no, we good.

I mean, if you want to hang out...

No, thank you.

[Whispers] That was smooth, man.

[Whispers] Shut up.

Way to show some restraint.

Shut up.

Animal control's here.

Hey, thanks for coming.

What's the problem?

There's a python in there.

You're yanking my chain, right?

Nope.

Okay, well, see you fellas later.

Oh, where you going?

No way I'm going in there.

Isn't that sort of your job?

My brother is my boss. I cannot be fired.

So I don't care.

Oh, so you're a real pro?

Listen, bud, I just refurbished my T-Bird and closed on a houseboat on the Fox River.

Wow, congrats. Fox River, nice.

Thank you.

So you can understand why I don't want my last thought to be as that snake is strangling me, that I did not drive my T-Bird to my houseboat.

There must be somebody in your department who specializes in snakes.

Ross. He got laid off.

Budget cuts?

I see you talked to Janet.

She gave me an earful.

I got this, you pussies.

Watch and learn, Steve-O.

You're on your own, guys.

Wait, before we k*ll it, we should think about who's really to blame here, huh?

The snake or the people?

According to my googling, Lord Byron should be in southeast Asia, happily swimming in rivers and eating local mammals.

It's not his fault that he was born into captivity in Wicker Park and Cindy's not a goat.

That's really nice.

I'm gonna go chop it in half.

Thank you.

Chop it in half... k*ll it.

k*ll him dead.

k*ll him.

Okay.

[a* clatters]

Was that...

[Clank]

Ah.

That's good.

That's a good chop.

[Overlapping chatter]

Wh...

I panicked.

I threw it at him.

Now the snake has an a*. We need a g*n.

Does anybody have a g*n?

You know who has a g*n. Frank.

No, I'm not calling my dad to bail me out.

I already texted him. He's coming over.

Oh, great.

sh*t, Stink hands.

Put it down, ladies.

Evidence.

Billy.

Yep.

Hold that.

Hey, T, how long... Okay, never mind.

Hi, baby.

Hi.

So how much longer you think we're just gonna hang out here...

Officer!

Yep.

That lady stole the sweater I wanted.

It was clearly in my pile. Arrest her.

She's lying. It was my pile.

Ladies, ladies... Lad... okay, ladies.

Calm down for a second.

Calm down. It's just a sweater.

Oh, damn, is this cashmere...

And Periwinkle for $20 down from $200?

Are you kidding me?

This is such a good deal for cashmere.

Okay... okay... T, I'm gonna need backup over here.

Be right there right as soon as I try this on.

Um, hey, listen, listen, I think I got a solution.

Why don't we just cut this sweater in half like a baby?

You know, like that dude in the Bible.

He cut this baby in half, so then both women had a baby.

Wait. That's not how that story went.

Um, okay, you know what I'm gonna do?

[All screaming]

[Tires screeching]

All right, the cavalry's here.

You freakin' pussies.

What are you, afraid of a little snake?

Hey, it's a pretty big snake, Dad.

It's got no arms and no legs.

I got two of each. I'm liking my odds.

Okay, okay, relax.

It's not as easy as you think to capture a python.

You're right. It's probably easier.

Okay.

It's not even one of those poisonous snakes like a king cobra.

Over in India, they got little dudes playing flutes in their underwear, trapping those sons of b*tches in wicker baskets all the time.

All right, big tough guy.

As I watched Johnny's dad's godlike demeanor in the face of danger, I finally saw what manhood really was.

And it meant business.

Brian, shut up.

What was that? I liked it.

I'm dictating my memoirs.

Good for you. Well, watch and dictate.

I'm about to give you some k*ller material.

Okay.

All right, get him, Frank.

[Cocks g*n]

Go get him, Frank.

[g*nsh*t]

Hey. [Laughs] He got him.

That's my dad.

[g*nshots]

Now he's just showing off.

Don't sh**t the TV, Frank.

Yeah.

[Clattering, thudding, objects smashing]

[Whimpering] Oh! That freakin' thing is huge!

[Laughter]

Jesus, it's fast! Is it following me?

Shut up, you dickless jerks!

And you with the hair, don't even think of putting that in your g*dd*mn book.

What if I change your name?

No!

Back off, bitch!

What? No, I'm the store manager.

And there's a woman over there shoplifting.

[Sighs]

We got a shoplifter on the move.

She's headed to the back entrance.

I'm trapped, T, I'll never get over there in time.

sh*t, she's getting away. She's getting away.

No!

[Yelps]

Women: Oh!

[Murmuring]

Holy sh*t, nice, babe.

You just caught the perp.

That was really athletic.

You just looked like a fine-ass J.J. Watt the way you just jumped at her.

What? What perp?

This bitch just stole the dress I wanted.

Oh, okay, come on.

Okay.

Well, look at this.

What the hell are you guys doing here?

It's all over the squawk box.

Every emergency service in Chicago is talking about this sh*t.

You guys are a bunch of wimps.

You're supposed to be tough.

Being brave is literally part of your job description.

I am disgusted.

And where is the animal control guy?

Have you no pride?

I do not.

Disgraceful.

Let me show y'all how a real man handles this business.

Voodoo, go get him.

Yes, sir.

And off she went, my snake charmer.

I like that. Good use of metaphor.

We should start a writers' group.

I can't believe you'd let a small blonde woman walk directly into the gates of hell.

Voodoo, you don't have to do this.

I've been in there. I've seen it.

This is no normal snake. You got to...

Uh, you were saying?

All: Oh!

Okay.

That's impressive.

Whoo-hoo!

You okay?

Not too close, not too close.

Yeah, it's fine.

That's the one that's a witch, right?

Yeah.

Do you think you could bring that into the office for me?

Okay.

Ask for Janet.

Voo, how'd you learn to do that?

Learn?

I just picked up the snake and stayed away from the mouth.

It's not rocket science.

Plus, look how cute he is.

No, he's not that cute.

Wait a minute.

Does this mean Scott doesn't get his snake back?

I don't know.

Probably not.

Perfect.

Oh, my God, can you take a picture of this?

No.

Okay.

Can you, kind sir?

Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

Steven, buddy, get up in this, like, real tight.

Take that, sh*t head.

All: Smile.

Hey, those are my clothes.

No, they're not.

News flash... you have to pay money for things.

Maeve, stop. That is evidence.

No, this is your stuff.

You have, like, terrible taste, Theresa.

[Laughs]

Oh, please.

I saw what you stole.

Besides that dress, everything you had looked like something a grandmother would die in.

Ow.

Would you stop? I will pull this car over.

I got to say, I'm not hating this.

Babe, I think that you would really kick ass in a woman's prison, and you look good in orange.

I think you look good in all colors.

Thanks, baby.

Don't think I won't arrest you, Maeve.

Bitch.

Totally.

What was that?

Both: Nothing.

Aw, that was awesome. I feel so alive.

I feel double alive because I saw my dad run away from that snake like an overgrown baby.

Well, the apple didn't fall too far from the tree.

Whatever.

It is a day I will not soon forget.

Oh, that's right, Brian.

You got a lot of good stuff for your memoirs.

Yeah, what do you got so far? Bust it out.

Well, it's a work in progress.

Oh, come on.

Okay, all right.

Twist my arm, here we go.

And it was during this period that I was dealing with a smelly fart issue, so I was grateful that I wasn't having any sex.

Ha ha ha, Johnny.

Very funny.

As I bent over to get my bag, I hoped that the guys didn't see my thong.

How small is too small when it comes to your own testicles?

Very mature. Very mature.

Very mature, guys, very mature.

Don't stop. This is good stuff. Keep going.

Come on, I want to hear what happens next.

Then I realized that I was one of the best, most understanding friends a girl could have.

That's sweet.

We thought you would like it.

I like that.

Hey, Brian, I just wanted to give you a taste of the book I'm writing.

Let's hear it.

"The lady astronaut trembled as the hunky space alien undressed her. As her eyes passed over his strapping body, she realized that their species could, indeed, mix. His glistening"...

All: No.

Okay, all right.

No, thank you.

That's good.

Thank you, I'm good.

It's been a good day, you guys.

It was a good day.

It's all right.

We encountered a python with an a*, Hank.

What was his name?

Lord Byron.

Who names a snake "Lord Byron"?

An idiot. A hipster.

What's the difference?

[Laughs]

That's good, Brian.

That's pretty good, man.