04x10 - Happy Birthday Two You

[bunniefuu]

(Banging on door)

Tucker: Hey! Hey, little help?

Hey, the bathroom door is stuck again, guys!

Ben: Emma?

People, we got a runner.

A pint-sized runner.

Oh, there you are!

Hey.

Hi!

Dude, last night she climbed out of her crib for the first time, and then gave me a "what are you gonna do about it?" Look.

What am I gonna do about it?

(Banging continues)

Tucker: Hey, is somebody out there?

He baby-proofed the door backwards and wrong.

So, Tucker's in and can't get out.

I would help him, but I'm very busy enjoying this breakfast.

Hey, speaking of breakfast, hey, do we have any non... okay. You know what?

If this is another takeout menu from the Chinese place, we will have words.

It's a note.

"Hear ye, hear ye, listen close,

"in just one day, a birthday toast.

"It's Bonnie Wheeler's special day,

"so whoop it up, or you'll all pay.

"Signed, anonymous."

Man, I really thought it was from mom.

Dude, oh my God!

I promised mom a birthday party! You know what this means?

You have some things to plan?

Yeah. Like, where to rent a getaway car, or buy a ticket to anywhere but here.

Emma? Emma? Where is she?

Hi.

Hi.

Tucker: Good news.

At least one person around here knows how to open a baby-proof door.

Give me high-five!

Yeah!

(Theme music plays)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ Can take your life and change direction ♪

Okay people, we need invitations, decorations, food, music.

And sadly, knowing my mom, copious amounts of male nudity.

Seriously, when did this become so important?

Last year, I had an away game, so Ben was in charge of mom's birthday.

It's a really long story.

Oh, hey mom. What's going on?

Oh, I don't know.

Just sitting here about to eat a whole sheet cake.

Alone.

For no reason whatsoever.

Cool. Then can you watch Emma?

I just got invited to this amazing party.

So that's a no on watching Emma?

I was sneezing sprinkles for a week.

But look, the point is I felt so horrible, I promised I'd throw her a giant bash this year.

Exactly.

You felt horrible.

You said that you'd throw her a giant bash.

Sounds like a "you" problem.

If I could sneeze sprinkles?

Never leave the house.

Guys, come on!

I have to do inventory at the bar, but Danny will do most of the heavy lifting.

Why? There's nowhere for me to go but down.

I'm already the good son.

Look, can't you guys just put together some kind of video tribute?

You know, something that really captures what a warm and loving person she is.

Okay, suck-wads!

I'm gonna skip the benefit and go right to the doubt.

You guys haven't done Jack for my birthday, have you?

Huh?

Wha... mom, calm down! We're working on something...

Big... and important...

And surprisey.

You are throwing me a surprise party?

Oh my God, you are just the best son ever!

Why can't you be more like your brother?

You know what? Okay, I have to go practice my surprise face.

Yeah, you know what? I gotta work on it. I'll work on it.

She should be practicing her "I'm so disappointed in you" face.

Yeah. What's that one look like?

I don't know. I've never seen it.

I see it every day.

Every day.

Okay, lighting is good.

Oh, and if you could favor this side of my face, I'd really appreciate it.

It's the better half of perfection.

(Laughing)

Oh, and since I work in TV, let me give you a quick lesson.

I point the phone at you and hit record?

Yeah. I think I got it.

Right. Hold on.

Here you go, sweetie. Don't move, okay?

All right. Mrs. Wheeler's birthday video.

Take one.

In three, two...

Mrs. Wheeler, what can I say?

Just, that I know in my heart that you steal from us.

And I love how you think that you can just boss everybody around.

Tucker, this is supposed to be a tribute.

Yeah, I know. But I've got a lot of stuff to get off my chest.

Well, just do what you did when I told you Ben and I officially broke up.

Right? Pretend to care.

Oh, hey, how are you doing, anyway?

Well, you know, things are getting better.

Thank you so much for asking. I...

Oh, this is you pretending to care, isn't it?

Ahh.

All right. Mrs. Wheeler's birthday video. Take two.

Oh my God!

Emma!

Don't move!

(Gasps)

(Clatter)

(Baby crying)

Stitches, Tucker, stitches!

Are you happy now? We broke the baby.

The doctor said she'll be fine.

Yeah, but we won't once we tell Ben.

For the last time, will you please give me back my phone?

I have to call him!

Oh, hell no.

No, you can't just blurt out, "sorry, we accidentally maimed your baby."

No, we have to find a window of opportunity.

When he's calm.

A window. Yeah, that's good.

Yeah. We just have to make sure that nobody finds out until we tell Ben ourselves.

(Door banging)

(Screams)

Bonnie: Hey! Let me out of here!

Oh, God.

Mrs. Wheeler?

You, uh... You didn't hear anything, did you?

I've heard nothing, I've seen nothing, which is starting to make me think that there is nothing.

What is Ben doing for my birthday?

Lots. Tons. And you're gonna ruin it!

So, get happy, get excited, but more importantly, get out.

Okay, okay, I'm going!

God, I hope there's strippers.

Yup.

There's strippers, right?

Right, now where were we?

All right, we just need to find... what up?

Aah!

Ben, hi, how's it going?

We were just playing an impromptu game of peekaboo.

Both: Peekaboo!

What's with the bear?

Umm...

Okay. All right, man. Here's what happened, we were...

We won it at a carnival!

You were at a carnival?

You're supposed to be helping, not enjoying yourselves!

You're so selfish!

God, what about me?

Okay, Ben. Here's what happened.

You know, I was pms-ing and craving a funnel cake.

I mean, you know what happens, I just get bloated, and I get so crampy and cranky... okay, I've heard enough. Thank you.

Love you, Emma. Bye.

What was that?

Period card.

Totally freaks guys out.

No!

That was our window!

Oh, yeah.

I can see now how that would have been a good time to tell him.

Ben: You know Danny, I think we're doing okay.

All right.

I've got the flowers ordered.

I've narrowed down the location to her three favorite restaurants.

And, I found a discount version of the Chippendales.

Two guys named chip and Dale.

What's up with the music?

Oh, well you know how you wanted a dj, but I wanted a band?

I found a guy named dj who's in a band!

How are we with RSVP?

How would I know?

Because I said, "hey Danny, how 'bout you handle mom's guests."

I thought you said "handle mom's dress."

None of the sales ladies would believe me when I said I was trying them on for mom.

Dude, nobody's coming to her party?

What's the matter with you?

Hey, don't get mad at me! None of this is my fault.

Oh really? 'Cause I'd say it was all your fault.

If mom hadn't gone into labor with you on her 18th birthday, dad probably never would have had to make such a big deal out of it every year. God!

Wait...

My birthday's not for another two weeks.

Pfft, you're right man. My bad. You know how I am with dates.

Hey, good call on the dj guy.

Ben, what the hell is going on?

Are you telling me I was actually born on mom's birthday, and she's been lying to me my entire life, making up some random date so she could selfishly not share her special day with me?

Wow. I was gonna lie, but I'm kinda proud you actually put it all together yourself.

Oh my God!

What does this mean?

Who am I?

Who are my real parents?

Same people, just two weeks earlier.

And you've known about this the entire time?

Look, man, I'm sorry.

I was sworn to secrecy when I found your birth certificate folded inside mom's diary.

Dude, she hated us.

I can't believe she would do this to me!

Danny! Danny! Wait, wait, wait!

Any chance you can tell her Tucker told you?

He runs faster than I do.

Hey!

I hope I'm not walking into any surprises!

How could you lie to me about when my real birthday is?

Surprise.

Okay. Coast looks clear. Let's move.

Tucker, we can't keep hiding her.

I mean, having a sleepover at my place may have worked for one night, but we still have two days until her stitches come out, and I can't keep living a lie!

Get it together, Perrin!

You cannot cr*ck on me now!

We have got to be as solid as a rock wall.

Riley did it!

You two get in here. Now!

Oh God, she's on to us.

I need your help with Danny's surprise party.

(Both sighing)

Oh. Is that it? Okay.

So, he finally found out you've been lying to him about his birthday?

Ben told you, too?

No. You did.

It was that week you signed up for a medical trial.

Oh, right. Ugh.

Oh my God.

I am a horrible person.

How could I do this to my own son?

I mean, I really am the worst mother ever.

Oh, no. That's not true.

You're right. I don't know why I'm so hard on myself.

You know what would make me feel better?

A hug from my little love bug!

Hi! Okay. No...

No, not you!

Come here, sweetheart.

No, what are you doing? Get off of me.

Here, come here.

I'm back!

Okay, stop. You wish. Okay, right?

What is wrong with you people?

Oh, just wanna put her down for a nap.

You know, trying to be responsible. Bye.

You know what?

I need to find that video of me giving birth to Danny.

Yeah. Maybe a little guilt will help smooth things over.

Yeah, I just need to mute the part where I screamed,

"oh my God, it's a monster!"

Can't you cancel the party you have booked?

Just tell the kid his birthday's in two weeks.

That's what my mom did.

Hello?

(Groans)

Hey, so, first of all, Happy Birthday, and second, you need to help me find a venue for mom's party.

Help you?

Why should I help you? I'm not even sure we're brothers.

Mom could've lied about that, too.

Danny, like...

Okay, you've actually got a point.

But, you need to find a way to get over this.

This isn't about you.

Well, it is.

Again, Happy Birthday, but, can we let it be about you starting next year?

I know if I found out that she lied to me, I'd be cool.

Oh, really?

Mom thinks you're a horrible bartender, bribed your soccer coach to put you on the team, and paid Ashley Jenkins $50 to go to prom with you.

Well, I definitely got $50 worth.

Look, Danny, I don't know why mom did what she did, and I promise from now on, we will celebrate your birthday, but this year, I have to take care of mom.

Why are you still throwing her a party?

Because she's our mom, and she gave us life, and I need someone to pick Emma up from daycare.

Look, I don't want to see her. I don't want to talk to her.

I just want to sit here and drink alone in an empty bar.

Oh my God.

An empty bar. We can have her party here!

I'll be right back. I left the guest list at home.

Well cross my name off that list!

Riley. Riley.

Huh?

Riley. Guess who I am.

"I love chardonnay and stealing my son's birthdays."

(Laughing)

Ben.

Oh, hey what's up, Ben?

Nice.

I'd be pissed if it wasn't so dead on.

Oh my God, look at this place.

Did you do all this to help me with mom?

Yes. Yes, we did, because we're awesome.

Oh my God! You're amazing.

But hey, change of plans, we're actually having my mom's party at the bar now.

So, I'm gonna bring some of this stuff down there.

Is it cool if you watch Emma for just a little bit longer?

Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Um, but, uh, you owe us big time.

You are seriously the best friends ever.

Is she sleeping? I feel like I haven't seen her all day.

Oh, no, no, no, she's not.

But, I just put her in her costume for the tribute video, and it's a surprise.

The hat is hilarious! Right, Tucker?

It's adorbs. It'll have you in stitches.

Yeah.

Oh. Honey.

You're here.

I didn't know you'd be back so soon.

So, I got you a cake.

"Happy Birthday, Eugene"?

Wait, is that my real name?

No, honey.

Eugene is the son of the woman I bought it off of.

Now there's a bad mom.

Okay, listen. This isn't quite ready, but I just want to give you a little sneak preview of all that I've been doing to show you how sorry I am, okay?

Surprise!

Well, looks like you and Eugene's mom have a lot in common.

Really, mom? Now you're just gonna mock me on my biological birthday?

Where the hell is everything?

There was an entire party set up.

Yeah, sure. Nice try.

You really will say anything, won't you?

No, Danny, you don't understand... sure I do!

You always have to have all the attention on you!

You sacrifice your own son's birthday because you don't want to share it!

No, Danny, that's not...

You have literally lied to me my entire life.

You know what's worse than you being a liar?

You're selfish!

You don't care about anyone but you!

You know what? You can have your birthday back because I don't want it anymore!

I don't want it either, mom!

If that's even your real name!

Yeah, you know what? You're not the only one who can slam doors around here!

(Knob rattling)

Oh, damn it! The wrong door.

Hey, is anybody home?

Bonnie: Ooh, Ben, Ben!

Ben, please help me open this door!

And where the hell are all of Danny's decorations?

Danny's decorations?

Bonnie: Uh, Ben, the door?

What's that? No, you have a good day, I'll see you soon!

Bonnie: Ben!

Hey.

(Both scream)

Hey, why didn't you tell me those decorations were for Danny?

Stop yelling at me!

God, we've been so busy taking care of your child and sh**ting your mom's video.

I'm stressed Ben! You're stressing me out!

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah! And he's stressing me out!

That's a lot of stress, Ben! We're full of stress!

You know what, I'm sorry.

Everybody's mad at everybody because of me.

All I want to do is get this party over with.

Oh, and by the way, my mom's stuck in the bathroom.

If you can not let her out until I get back, that would be great.

I have absolutely no problem with that.

(Banging on the door)

Oh my God.

Wait, this is perfect.

Bonnie: Okay, I swear if someone doesn't open this door immediately, I'm gonna start flushing things!

(Toilet flushes)

You hear that?

That was somebody's toothbrush!

Oh, damn it, it was mine!

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah. Yeah, while she's stuck in there, we re-stage Emma's fall out here, blame it on her, take Emma to the E.R., and tell Ben it just happened.

I was gonna suggest we eat some of this cake, but your idea is much better.

Follow my lead.

(Banging on the door)

Oh, look, Riley!

Emma is walking towards Mrs. Wheeler's purse.

Oh. Oh, be careful, Emma!

You might trip on these straps left carelessly on the floor.

Bonnie: Wh... what's going on?

(Thud)

(Bonnie gasps)

Bonnie: Emma!

Oh no, Emma tripped and fell on her head.

Oh my God, there's blood everywhere!

Bonnie: Oh my God, oh my God, let me out!

(Pounding at the door) Emma, honey, don't you worry, sweetie!

We should go to the E.R.

We'll take care of you, Emma! You're in good hands now!

Bonnie: Emma, don't worry, grandma's coming!

(Door rattling intensifies) Oh my God!

(Screaming frantically)

(Screaming)

What's going on?

Emma fell!

They're taking her to the emergency room!

Oh God, I gotta call Ben!

(Breathing heavily) Okay. Oh.

(Phone rings)

Oh. (Groans)

He left his phone here.

Okay. I'll go to the bar and get him, and meet you at the E.R.

All right? Okay! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Ben! Ben!

Okay. Emma's okay, but she fell.

What?

Riley and Tucker took her to the emergency room.

Wait, did you steal my decorations?

My baby!

Yeah, wait for me. Wait for me.

No, Ben! Ben! Come back, you've got the keys!

(Rattling the door handle)

(Sighs)

Okay.

If this is my surprise party, you can all come out now.

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Emma! Oh my God, I went everywhere looking for you guys.

Is she okay?

She's fine.

You'd be amazed at how quickly babies heal.

Yeah, you're gonna love these new 24-hour stitches that'll come out tomorrow.

Stitches? Will she have a scar?

Oh God, I can't believe I wasn't there for her.

Oh God, oh God.

Is she okay?

Oh. Oh...

Oh, by the way, I also ripped the bar door off its hinges.

You might wanna call somebody.

Mom, she's fine.

But look, I'm so sorry.

I totally messed up your birthday again.

Oh, no, you didn't.

Emma's okay, and that's all that matters.

I know, little boo-boo.

Just a little one.

And honey, I shouldn't have put so much pressure on you. Okay?

And this whole Danny thing, it was completely my fault.

You know, I should have just told him the truth.

Fine.

I'm listening.

If you even know what the truth is.

Okay, you know what, Danny? Here's the truth.

Yes, I was being selfish.

Completely selfish.

And it started out about me not wanting to share my birthday, but, it became about me not wanting to share you.

When it was time for you to start school, I wasn't ready to let you go.

You were my baby.

My first.

I mean, we were a team, you and I.

And then I found out that if I told them that your birthday was two weeks later, you missed the cutoff.

And you got to stay home with me for another year.

And Danny, that was the best year of my life.

You made me start school early.

Trust me, it was best for both of us.

Can you ever forgive me?

It's okay, mom.

I'll always be your baby.

And, I'm proud to share the same birthday with you.

And I promise not to make it all about me anymore.

(Laughing hysterically)

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, that wasn't a joke?

Well, mom, I didn't pull off much of a surprise, but Happy Birthday. I love you.

Aww, and I love my boys.

Happy Birthday, Danny.

Happy Birthday, mom.

I don't know who "Eugene" is, but I'm eating his cake.

Mrs. Wheeler, Mrs. Wheeler. Get ready to be wowed.

Okay.

Happy Birthday, mom.

We love you.

Hope it's a great one, Mrs. Wheeler.

Mrs. Wheeler, what can I say?

You steal my heart.

I love you.