10x08 - The g*ng Goes on Family Fight

[bunniefuu]

Mac: Oh, man, this is so exciting.

Charlie: Is this the green room?

Frank: Yeah.

A game show.

Can you guys believe we're gonna be on a game show?

Dennis: All right, all right, relax.

Awesome!

Guys, the green room of Family Fight...

I've got goose bumps.

Yeah, all right, calm down. Don't start acting like an animal, here. All right, listen, this is Family Fight. This is a nationally televised program. This is a very big deal for us, okay? We're talking...

What are you doing? Are you stealing an ashtray right now?

Yeah.

Why? We have ashtrays, and you don't even smoke.

This is a perfect place for me to lay out my political agenda.

No, no, no. No politics, man.

What?

Because it's too polarizing, okay?

And don't be misogynistic and please don't be gross, I mean...

Guys, let's-let's be smart about this.

Let's be right down the middle.

Dee: Right down the middle sounds so boring. That's not what the audience wants to see. Thinking I'm gonna do a Jenny McCarthy thing, where I'm, like, super sexy, but I got a potty mouth.

Ah-ah, no, no, Dee, you are never going to be sexy. And do not do a potty mouth thing, okay? We don't want to come across as low-brow animals. Now, have some veggie platter and have some fruit, okay? That is brain food.

Mm-mm, no way, not me. Haven't eaten in three days.

I don't want to be puffy. J-Mac's face... it's never puffy.

Yeah, because J-Mac's face is stapled to the back of her head.

Now, eat some food. You look emaciated and sick.

(passing gas)

What is that?

Fart noise key chain.

Dennis, what is this enticing bowl of white?

This?

Yeah.

Charlie, that... that's cottage cheese.

Cottage cheese?

Like... cheese from some cottage? Whose cottage?

Well, like, what is that, exactly?

How do you not know what it is?

Aren't you, like, a cheese guy?

I'm not a cottage guy.

You are gonna make us lose this game.

(audience cheering faintly)

Here comes the other family.

Janet: Hello. You must be the Reynolds family. I'm Janet, and we're the the Barretts.

Oh. Okay...

Lisa: Hey, guys! I'm Lisa. I'm stage manager.

Both teams ready?

(cheering)

Let's play Family Fight!

It's time to play Family Fight!

Let's give it up for your host, Grant Anderson!

(Grant laughing)

How you doing, man?

Grant: Hey, oh!

Hello!

All right! Thank you for coming out, everybody, and welcome to Family Fight.

I'm your host, Grant Anderson. Today, we have the Barrett family... (applause) ...versus the Reynolds family! (cheering)

And they are here for a whole lot of cash, so let's get it on!

Give me Janet, give me Frank.

(cheering)

Here we go!

Oh... whoa.

Whoa, I didn't get a good look at you before backstage.

(Janet laughs)

shabooya roll call

(whoops)

Okay, all right, we got some-some sparks flying already here. (laughs)

Now, let's get up here and do this.

Come on, Frank, you ready?

I'm ready.

All right, man. Top four answers on the board, here: Name an animal that we eat but doesn't eat us.

Frank!

Pig!

Show me pig!

(cheering, applause)

OK Frank, do a little dance.

Now Frank, you want to pass or play? Pass or play?

Oh, we... we'll play. Play, play, play.

We're gonna play.

(whoops)

You want to talk a little bit about the family?

Yeah. Well, yeah, you know, uh, Grant?

Yes, Grant.

I want to... I want to change my answer.

What?

Wh... what? Why?

I have realized it's-it's not totally accurate, because I've seen a pig eat a man.

In fact, I've seen many pigs eat many men.

It was a bloodbath.

Well, okay, well, we can't do that. I'm gonna move on, though, 'cause you're losing me here.

(laughing): Yeah?

Oh, Grant... a lighthearted barb, if you will.

So, uh, so...

His talk of pigs and man flesh is confusing as it is frustrating.

Right.

Don't you just want to...

I hear you, I hear you, Dennis.

You know, you have these people in your life and you just want to...

Yeah.

Now, Dennis, uh, why don't you tell me something?

What do you do?

Me?

Oh, well, I am the proprietor of, uh, one of the most charming pubs in all of South Philadelphia.

All right.

Paddy's Pub.

Paddy's Pub!

Paddy's... Paddy's Pub.

(cheering)

Yeah.

Yeah, but listen, I am so much more, Grant.

Um, I'm kind of a jack of all trades, if you will.

Okay.

So the question really isn't "What do I do?" It's "What don't I do?"

Wow. Now, there's a lot of confidence right there. I like that.

I like that, Dennis. All right.

Yeah.

Hey, buddy, can you name an animal that we eat but doesn't eat us?

Oh, easy. A sea urchin.

A sea... a what now?

Sea urchin.

Sea urchin.

Yeah.

Okay.

Show me sea urchin!

(buzzer blares)

Ooh, one strike.

Oh.

One strike for the Reynolds here.

Wow, that, uh, that buzzer sounds... it's awfully loud.

It is loud.

Pierces you right down to your soul, doesn't it?

I don't like it.

Okay.

I'll be fine, though.

You're right.

All right, thank you.

Okay.

Who do we have here?

Hi.

Hello... Deandra.

Yep.

Yeah. Deandra, help me out-- name an animal that we eat but doesn't eat us.

Well, Grant, I'll tell you what...

Mm-hmm?

...I like to eat cock.

(audience exclaims)

Whoa, no, no, no, no, no.

No, we can't say... Lisa, are we gonna...?

See what I did there? It's a little bit of a double entendre type of thing. I was talking about chicken, but I said "cock."

Yeah, don't say that word.

Please, I'm-I'm... Just, it's a family show, so we're just gonna go with "chicken," okay?

Show me chicken!

Ow!

There you go.

(cheering)

An answer on the board!

Okay.

Ronald Reynolds.

Yeah!

Hello, sir.

Hey!

How you doing today?

I'm great, Grant.

I'm just really excited to be here with my new family.

Oh... your new family?

Yeah.

Oh, a little bit of background.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, actually, just for clarification. Um, he raised them, but he didn't sire them. Now, he may have sired him-- we're not exactly sure, but they do live together in squalor.

Yeah, yeah. I actually brought my blood bucket in case you guys want to run his blood and see if it all checks out. It'd be good to know.

Yeah, if we want to do, like, a quick DNA sequencing...

Yeah.

...at the commercial break, that actually would clear things up for everybody.

If we could.

It would set the record straight. But either way, I was always the odd man out, you know? I mean, you know.

And then Frank, here, adopted me and now I'm a part of the Reynolds family!

Okay, well...

We don't... I'm... I'm just... I'm not even gonna try to figure that one out, so...

Okay, here-here's the deal, guys: from now on, I'm not gonna ask you guys any more questions at all...

Yes.

...other than the ones that keep the game moving. All right?

Great! Yeah!

Great! (whoops) Show me... cow!

Nope, that's me. I say that word.

I say the "show me" part. You just give me the answer.

Okay, Ronald?

Right, I'm sorry.

Show me c...

Don't say "show me."

He just said that.

Don't say it.

He just said that.

Just say the answer.

Show... show me.. is the part I say?

Here's the one thing... there's only one thing in the whole world at this moment you shouldn't say...

Mm-hmm?

"Show me."

So just give me the answer, and then I'll say sh...

You know what, go ahead and do it.

Just go ahead and do it, then.

Do what?

Mother of... Show me cow!

Cow!

(all cheering)

Good answer!

So, sadly we got to stay here. Okay. Charlie?

Yeah?

Just need you to name an animal...

Yes!

...that we eat but doesn't eat us.

Doesn't eat us-- that's easy. Dragon!

Charlie, do you eat dragon?

No! I don't eat dragon 'cause, uh, it's-it's not a meal for peasants, it's a meal for kings, and I'm sort of a common man.

But they don't eat us; they, uh, it's like a misconception.

They actually eat gold and treasure.

That's why they're always sitting on a big pile of it.

Bad answer.

Bad answer.

Bad answer.

That's a bad answer.

Okay, show me dragon!

(Charlie laughing)

I told you!

Oh, my God!

(Grant laughs)

Well, astonishingly, uh, one person surveyed gave the answer dragon, so... What a world!

All right, the Reynolds family has won round one!

(all cheering)

There you go, all right.

Sha-booyah!

All right.

Sha-booyah!

But we got a lot more show to go! It could be anybody's game. We'll be right back after this with Family Fight!

(all cheering)

That's commercial, guys! Back in three.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah, that was, uh, that was terrible.

I mean, we're bombing out there. This-this is exactly what I was trying to avoid, guys.

What are you talking about?

We won that round.

Yeah, but you were being lascivious and disgusting. Dee was making sex jokes that were going over like a lead balloon.

Well, at least we got all of our answers right.

Yeah, that-that's utterly ridiculous.

I mean, how is dragon an answer and sea urchin isn't?

Everyone knows...

I don't know, but there's always a weirdo or two in those panels who's gonna give a stupid answer and Charlie's always gonna get those, right? So...

Yeah, I'll get the steal.

Yeah!

Plus, people don't even really eat sea urchin, Dennis.

Most people don't eat dragons.

Well, dragonflies.

People don't eat dragonflies.

(Charlie imitates buzzer)

Don't make that noise.

I don't like it.

Just relax, would you, Dennis? Look, if we make asses out of ourselves, they just won't air the episode, okay?

Okay, first of all, you don't know that and secondly, don't tell me to relax.

(Mac imitates buzzer)

All right, don't you start making that noise.

(Frank imitates buzzer)

All right, it's not funny when they do it, it's definitely not funny when...

(Dee imitates buzzer)

(Dennis yelling)

(all imitating buzzer)

Oh, g*dd*mn it!

(all cheering)

All right, welcome back to Family Fight. We got the Reynolds family over here with a hundred points. We got the Barretts over here with zero. Give me Bobby, give me Dennis!

Here we go!

All right, all right. Somebody got a little, a little lead in his shoes.

Uh, no.

No. No, my shoes are fine. I assure you.

They're made of the finest Italian leather.

The fit is perfect. Therefore, there would be no room for lead.

All right.

The top four answers are on the board.

We asked a hundred people on the street, "Name something people groom themselves with." Dennis!

Laser beams, Grant.

La-laser beams?

Yeah, laser beam. It's the only way to completely obliterate the follicle.

Show me laser beam!

(buzzer blares)

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That noise, it's too loud. Can we, can we just turn it down a touch?

We cannot, we cannot.

Bobby, you got an answer?

I got an answer.

All right.

Hair brush!

Show me hair brush!

(dings)

There it is, there it is.

Hair brush, that's so obvious. God, that buzzer noise!

Isn't that just irritating as hell?

Come on, we got to think of a steal here, okay?

I got one, I got one! What about, uh, uh, bleaching cream for your facial hair?

What the hell?!

No, no. I-I got it. Drakkar Noir.

Mm, too specific.

You know what it is?

I think it's a bride. A bride could be a good answer.

(dings)

What?

You can't become a groom or get groomed without a bride.

Oh, no, no...

Right, right. That's not the kind of grooming they're talking about.

I don't know. Charlie could be right.

Uh, yeah, I... I got dragon.

No, he's not, he's not right!

Because nobody else is that stupid.

Show me pumice stone!

(buzzer blares)

All right, here we go. Reynolds family for the steal!

No, no, we're not gonna say that.

The comb, a comb!

I'm gonna go with... toe Kn*fe.

With what now?

With a toe Kn*fe 'cause I-I use a-a sharp blade to dig the scum out of my toenails. Once in a while, I cut myself, but it puses up and in three days, it's good as new.

Sure.

Toe Kn*fe!

Way more information than we needed, but, uh... show me toe Kn*fe.

(buzzer blares)

Okay, the Barretts win the board!

There you go! All right! Okay, let's see-see what that last answer was.

(dings)

Bride!

Charlie was right.

I knew it.

Do you, do you groom a bride, Lisa? All right, hey, let's get onto that last round now! I need some Dee, I need a little bit of Lester! Come on now! Okay.

Come on, Dee!

(cheering)

All right.

Here we go.

Okay, here we go-- top six answers are on the board.

Name something that people are afraid of.

(all gasping)

Oh, oopsie-daisy! Looks like I, I broke it.

You think?

Oops.

Can't believe that's... Ain't never seen anything like that in my life. What do you got, hands made of anvils?

(laughter)

You want me to answer that or answer...?

I don't want you to answer either of them, okay?

Yeah, sorry.

Because I don't know who won because you broke the machine.

That makes sense.

Right? Okay?

It makes sense, yeah.

Okay, everybody, we're gonna take a couple seconds.

We'll be right back after this.

(cheering)

(buzzer blares)

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Start thinking of a steal because if we get this one, we win the game.

All right, all right.

What's the question?

Things people are afraid of.

That's still the question?

Yeah... How do you not know how the game works by now?

Okay, I'm afraid of game show rules.

You guys, I know what it is.

Yeah?

It's failure.

That's too pathetic.

Liberal yahoos taking my g*ns.

That-that is a political firestorm, Frank. No!

Oh, oh! The Nightman.

All right, guys, these are terrible answers, all right?

Now, normally I would've said the crust on a crème brûlée burning the top of your mouth, but I'm thinking like a commoner now and I really do think that the right answer is probably... clowns.

That's a good answer.

I know.

I feel like it could be Nightman.

No, I feel like it isn't the Nightman...

He could be right, dude.

I've got a lot...

Show me dogs!

(buzzer blares)

(Barretts groan)

God (bleep)! Okay, Reynolds, you get a chance to steal and win the whole game right here.

Name something that people are afraid of.

(Frank clears throat) We're gonna go with...

Wait, wait, wait, Frank. You have to say it in the form of a question.

What is...?

No, you don't, you don't... you don't have to do that 'cause it's not Jeopardy.

Ah, it's not Jeopardy.

All right?

Say "show me," Frank.

Don't say "show me," Frank. Just say the word.

Just say the word.

Show me clowns!

All right. Show me clowns!

(cheering)

Yeah!

We did it! We did it!

And the Reynolds win the game!

The Reynolds win the game!

(chanting): Sha-booyah, sha-booyah, sha-booyah, you lose!

Sha-booyah, sha-booyah, sha-booyah, you lose!

All right, okay. So, anyway... (chuckles) let's take a look at the last one, everybody.

"Nightman." Don't know what that is.

Just don't know what it is.

What is happening?

Pretty strange answers today!

(audience laughs)

All right, man. Uh, we're gonna come right back and play some Fast Money. We'll see you right after these messages.

(cheering, applause)

How the hell was "Nightman" an answer?

Right.

Dude, I think I'm remembering what happened. I took this survey.

I got interviewed at a mall and I thought it was, like, a government thing.

Oh...

All right.

That makes a lot more sense.

That's actually the only thing that makes sense.

Right? Okay. So I should play Fast Money, because I'm gonna know all the answers.

No, no, no, you're only gonna know your answers.

And that's only gonna get us one point for every question.

We need to get all the top answers to win Fast Money.

Right, totally, totally. And then we spin the wheel.

Okay, you're definitely not gonna play, 'cause you can't understand a thing that's happening.

I'll play.

No, you won't play, because you've been nothing but gross and foul and polarizing the entire time. You're embarrassing me in front of the whole nation. Dee...

Mmm.

...you and I are gonna play.

Yeah?

Mm-hmm.

Can I do my fart keychain?

Absolutely g*dd*mn not.

Okay, now go get something to eat, you look terrible.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm very hungry, but I'm not gonna blow it now. This is my close-up.

(sighs) God, don't be a dumb, hungry bitch the entire time.

Guys, we're back.

Ooh!

Okay, all right, you're going first, Dee, you're going first.

Okay, go, go, go, go!

(applause, cheering)

All right, we are back with Fast Money, here with Dee Reynolds. But first, there's somebody who wants to say something to you.

Cricket: Hey, Reynolds family! Win $20,000 and bring home the money for Paddy's Pub!

(chuckles)

Yeah, all right. I'm done dancing like a monkey.

Give me my five bucks, Chuck.

(audience exclaiming)

Ha ha, wow! That was a rough video, right there. That dude is hard on the eyes.

Yeah. He's all b*rned up.

We couldn't get anybody else?

No.

Okay, you ready, Dee?

Oh, you better believe it.

But, uh...

Mm-hmm?

...first, hold on a... hold on a second, there's, um...

Yeah?

There's, uh...

You okay?

Ooh! Yeah.

You all right?

Uh, yes... there's a... just a quick bit I wanted to, uh... Oof.

(audience exclaims)

(farting noises)

Oh, whoops-a-daisy. (laughs)

(farting noises continue)

That's about as lowbrow as it gets.

Yeah, Dennis isn't gonna like that.

It's pretty funny, though.

Okay, new plan.

(audience cheering)

All right. So we're back here with, uh, Fast Money here. Uh, now we got Frank doing it, 'cause... people just be faintin' up in here, so...

(audience laughs)

Give me 30 seconds on the clock.

Name something you thought existed when you were a child.

Santa Claus.

Name something you might find in a bathtub.

Soap!

Name something people add sugar to.

Coffee.

A thing you associate with Charlie Chaplin.

Little moustache.

Name a foreign country whose films are popular in America.

France.

(cheering)

Damn! You did it, man!

I'm surprised, too, brother!

Oh, oh, that was so good!

That was so good, Frank!

Hey, you ready?

Yeah, I'm ready.

Frank did great.

Frank?

Yeah, uh, Dee passed out.

She... of course she did.

She's so embarrassing.

Right.

All right, here we go, everybody.

We're gonna bring Dennis out right now.

Here he is, Dennis Reynolds.

(cheering, applause)

Okay. Here we go.

Okay.

Now, Dennis... Frank got the number one answer for every single question, so you only need five points to win the game. Okay?

Okay, I can do it. Now, Grant, listen, I know I gave some bad answers before...

Yes.

...but I understand the game perfectly now, and, uh, that does not represent me.

Okay, I like that.

Okay? So I'm ready to give good answers.

I like that.

That does represent me.

All right, that sounds good, that sounds good.

If you repeat any of Frank's answers, you're gonna hear this sound... (buzzer blares) ...and then...

Thought we were done with the buzzer.

Only if you repeat an answer.

Even in this round?

Yes, even in this round. Yep.

Mm-hmm.

If you don't know an answer, you can say "pass" and we'll just move on to the next question.

Okay.

All right, are you ready?

Yes, yes.

Let's put 30 seconds on the clock.

Name something you thought existed when you were a child.

Santa Claus.

(buzzer blares)

Oh, God... uh, pass.

Name something you might find in a bathtub.

S... uh, soap.

(buzzer blares)

Ah! God, I really hate that buzzer. Can we not do that?

Clock's ticking, clock's ticking.

Okay, uh, pass.

Name something people add sugar to.

God... coffee.

(buzzer blares)

Oh, God...

Nope, we gotta... we need an answer.

Yeah, no, no, okay, no, then pass, then pass, 'cause...

A thing you associate with Charlie Chaplin.

Mmm... pass.

Okay, name a foreign country whose films are popular in America.

France.

(buzzer blares)

Oh, God, no, no!

Already said that.

Oh, God, France.

(buzzer blares)

France. France. France.

That's still not the answer.

Little moustache. Soap, soap, France.

There was something else.

Stop it already!

Don't say France!

(Dennis sobbing)

All right, I have never seen a more embarrassing display in my entire career.

Oh, please don't air this. Okay? Please don't... don't air this... you won't air this, right?

Oh, no, no, we definitely air it.

We always air it. No matter what, we air it.

That's how we do it, my friend.

It just went so wrong...

Good night, everybody! Thanks for joining us here on Family Fight! Take care.

(audience applauding, cheering)

(Dennis sobbing)

Wow.

Why'd they have to air that part?

That was the end part.

The best part.

Yeah, they air the whole show.

(Dennis sobbing)

This doesn't represent me, though.

This doesn't represent me. That's not who I am.

So just don't air it. It's the buzzer that was...

That just doesn't represent me. So just don't air it!