04x08 - He Didn't Mean That, Natalie Portman

[bunniefuu]

Today is payday, m*therf*cker.

$2.5 million in fees and...

K and A is picking up an extra9.2 million equity piece.

Marty: Previously on House of Lies...

Since we k*lled it at Gage Motors, we are out of the woods.

Can you please just tell me when the money is coming, Ellis?

Ellis: Gage put K and A back on the map.

That should be more than enough payment.

It would take a Titan to be able to afford to challenge us legally.

I have to go pick up my assh*le father.

I'm gonna drop dead in some Gomorrah flophouse. Terrific.

What are you talking about?

Stage four pancreatic, wise ass.

Clyde: She's smart, funny, knows exactly what she wants.

I feel like there's something special here and we should really see where it goes.

No.

My fault for being the gullible one, right?

You trust people.

It's one of the things I like most about you.

Oh, God.

Marty: When are you gonna r*pe and pillage my company?

I think I'm gonna stick to raping and pillaging you.

Marty.

We were just talking about you.

You gotta be f*cking kidding me.

You need to step up and pay us the money, bitch.

Oh, we gonna make these m*therf*ckers bleed!

This m*therf*cker.

Seven.

What?

Seven "m*therf*ckers" since I got here.

Please, switch it up.

(siren wailing in distance)

m*therf*cker.

Eight.

I swear to God, Ellis Hightower is the biggest, meanest shark-eating-est whale I have ever-- are you hearing me?-- that I have ever landed.

And what do I have to show for it?

A fuckton of debt and a metaphorically aching assh*le.

I swear, it's like... it's like escaping the Titanic and then burning to death in the f*cking life raft as it goes up in smoke.

Hmm-mm!

Denna, come on.

(giggles) Will you stop, please?

I need that more than you.

Mmm.

♪ Plays the victim every time... ♪

Oh, thank you.

I ju... I mean, it's just this m*therf*cking assh*le.

I bring K and A back from the brink, then...

I can see where this is headed, so let me stop you.

The answer is still no.

I am not playing Santa Claus to K and A.

Who asked you to f*cking play Santa Claus?

I'm high, not stupid.

Yeah, well, that look?

Kind of the same.

Come here.

Let's try again.

Ooh. Mm.

Ooh...

You still worried about Ellis?

(laughs) Not for the next 15 minutes.

Fifteen?

You're optimistic.

You know you love a challenge.

(laughs)

(hisses) Teeth, teeth. Teeth.

(cat meows)

(groans)

Clyde: Morning, Dad.

So, my son.

What's up for us today?

Well, I don't know what you're doing, but I'm going to work.

Right. Of course.

Because they can't get by without you at all.

That's why you're a partner.

(cat meows)

Jesus, Dad, really?

All right. Calm down, would you?

But I still say you ought to be able to have one day off to hang out with your dad, who's on his last legs.

Oh... death card, played before 8:00 a.m.

Hat tip, Dad. Fantastic.

You know what?

"Comedy is the refuge of the simpleminded. And blacks." Descartes.

I'm pretty sure Descartes didn't say "and blacks."

When was the last time that you and me just hung out?

This is easy.

February, 1994.

I wanted to see Nirvana; you took me to a greyhound race.

Look, let me just take you out for one night, okay?

Dad...

It'll be a boys' night out.

It'll be fun.

You can do that for me.

Um...

Cancer.

Fine. Fine.

Okay?

You can take me out on a boys' night.

But if you f*ck me on this, I'm taking that feral piece of sh*t and throwing it in a high-k*ll shelter.

(meows)

He didn't meant that, Natalie Portman.

You seriously named that cat Natalie...

O...kay.

No, I see it.

Her face is kind of... tiny, cute and Jewish.

All right, true or false: Everyone in this room thinks they're smarter than everybody else in the building.

True. True.

Okay. True or false: Everyone in the building thinks they're smarter than everybody else in the world.

Mm, that's obvious. That's probably true, yeah.

Yeah, that's true.

Marty: Okay.

So let's prove us all right and find a way to find Marty Mar

$10 million before lunch.

Um, yeah. Mm.

Okay, Doug, spit it out.

What do you have? Say it.

Doug: Well, okay. Look, it's just an option, but hear me out.

Uh, our old exterminator client, Rat Man?

Well, he's got a-a QVC line of organic poisons out now, and it's a big hit with the stay-at-home mom set, so we have an in.

Are you kidding me? Oh, come on.

I cannot be the only one who's seen those commercials.

With the little rats and their...

To be honest, I don't know which one is sadder, Doug watching QVC in that gutted shack he calls a home or him thinking that this is actually a viable option. Kids?

QVC. For sure.

Marty and Clyde: QVC.

You can find a bargain on QVC.

If only one of us were f*cking a billionaire investor. - Oh, my God, why didn't I think of that? Wait a minute, already f*cking thought of it.

It's a non-starter.

Doug: And yet those... those larcenists at Gage are printing money because we sent their stocks through the roof.

I mean, the poetry. We did that.

Boom.

Hmm?

Clyde: Boom what?

You know I hate a hanging boom, Marty. What do we got?

We-we did. We did send that stock through the f*cking roof.

Okay. So we can send it right back down to the gutter.

Ellis already gave us the silver b*llet.

Yes, that's what I was saying. Yes.

My office. 20 minutes.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(sighs) Oh, God. He gets it.

Oh, Marty...(sighs)

I want a donut. Yeah, a f*cking donut, Clyde. Okay?

And I might even eat the whole box. And if you say one more g*dd*mn word about my weight, I swear I will highlight, at full volume, every flaw on your under-earning body until you weep like the pussified waste of flesh that you are.

f*ck...

Just asking if you can bring me one.

Jesus Christ, Jeannie.

Sorry. I grew up poor, so I...

Could you maybe bring me one?

I don't know.

Okay.

Call me as soon as it comes in, okay?

I mean as soon as. Marty.

Okay, yes, Doug, I've seen the commercials, and I kind of like it when the animated rat starts twerking.

I knew it. (chuckles) I knew it.

What do you want?

Hey, so, um, you know Kelsey.

Nope.

Kelsey, the girl from YWTPA.

I can't keep track of all the white gangs, Doug.

All right. Okay.

So you know her.

(sighs) The thing is, uh, well, I kind of slept with her last night.

So?

Well, so... Clyde has feelings for her.

I know. It's insane.

Like, actual feelings.

And not just the ones in his loins.

I mean... We-we talked about you using that word around me, Doug.

God, it just feels good in my mouth.

I don't know why I do it. Yeah, I don't know what to do. The-the guilt is just eating away at me.

Okay, so stop f*cking her.

Yeah, I don't know if I can do that, Marty.

I mean, she's kind of got this move.

Oof, it's insane.

It's like this-this combination finger, like, tongue-back arch thing.

Oh, my God.

It's amazing. Yeah.

But, um...

Yeah. I see what you're saying.

Okay. Thanks, buddy. It's a good talk.

Yes, give me Denna Altshuler.

Look, my Uncle Grant is some kind of big sh*t advertising guy at Neon. He's on board to hook up a bunch of free press when the app launches.

Great.

Free? No. Bullshit.

He's gonna want equity.

Yeah. Well, full disclosure, he's only doing it so I won't out him for molesting my brothers.

Clyde: Wow. Okay.

Just so I can get this straight, you will extort a pedophile, but you won't get dinner with me because that goes against your moral code.

Yeah. That's-that's your judging system.

Okay.

Jesus Christ.

(chuckles)

Dude, I made up that last part.

Did you seriously think that...

I... Well... No, I know that.

Really?

No, I feel sorry for Clyde. I don't think he got it.

Dude, no, you're-you're dark.

Not... Come on.

I get... I get... I get sex offender jokes.

It's, like, my sweet spot.

(chuckling): Oh, right.

So, uh, good times last night, huh?

Yeah. For sure. Yeah.

You, uh, want to hang out again later?

(quietly): Oh, my God, yes. Absolutely. Definitely.

But...

I, um... I-I kind of feel guilty about last night.

Is this because you have HPV?

What? Seriously, why does everybody have f*cking HPV?

No, no, no. God. Jesus. No.

It's... Look, I mean Clyde.

Clyde really likes you, Kelsey.

And Clyde doesn't really like anyone, so...

So that means, what, I'm obliged to accept his offer of penis?

No, no, no, no, no, no. I-I... I'm just saying that I know Clyde comes off like a bit of a douche.

And he is. Believe me, no one knows that more than me.

But he's also my best friend.

So... (groans) it's kind of a bit tricky, huh? Boy.

Oh, the games we play.

(chuckles) Yeah, am I being too hard on myself?

That's also a possibility.

No, you're right.

Am I?

I get it.

And, honestly, I have mad respect for a guy who'd give up top-shelf genius vag for a friendship.

Ooh, I wouldn't say "give up."

No, "give up" is-is very strong, isn't it? And final.

No, no. I'm-I'm not looking to f*ck things up between you and Clyde.

Good.

We can totally chill on the sex.

Awesome.

Clyde is a good guy, so...

Good luck finding another Rhodes scholar who gives rimjobs though.

(scoffs)

Harvey: I tell Clyde you can't just sit on your ass and wait for opportunity to fall in your lap.

But this generation? (chuckles)

The world is yours for the taking.

You don't like your job, you start your own corporation.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Hey. - In your six-year-old son's name so his credit is ruined by second grade. Right?

Yeah.

Mm, this was nice.

Can I talk to you for one second?

Nice to meet you.

Hey, Dad.

What the f*ck are you doing here?

I just thought I would see you in action. That's all.

So you could tell me everything that I'm doing wrong?

Is that what it is? Okay.

Your words.

Dad, you got to get out of here.

I'm gonna see you tonight.

So I'll see you tonight.

What? What?

The hysterics. Shades of your mother.

Even less attractive on you.

Okay. It's time to go. Thank you for that. But it's time to go.

I just got here.

What else do you need to see?

You're smiling.

I'm smiling.

Okay.

Stop smiling. It's freaking me out.

I can't. Oh, I've been chasing Denna Altshuler's huge, perky hedge fund for over a decade, and I finally have something worth her time.

Assuming that's not a penis reference, care to elaborate so maybe I can do my job?

(clears throat) Denna is a beast.

And beasts need to feed.

The bigger the beast, the bigger the appetite.

Assuming that that's not a penis reference...

I have a vague recollection of Ellis Hightower pissing all over his brand-new baby prototype.

Found the security footage.

And if you zoom in very closely, you can make out a bit of back-spray hitting an Indian fellow.

I believe the man's an engineer.

There's a bonus hate crime?

It's so despicably hate-y.

And Denna freebases hate.

Look, K and A, not big enough to satisfy her.

But say, I don't know, an extra $80 million from shorting the Gage Motors stock?

Ooh.

We give her this a*mo, and greedy, greedy Denna will gladly merengue all over Ellis's grave. And there's no traceable link back to us.

She goes public and assumes all the risk.

(chuckles)

Prison makes smarter criminals.

(chuckles)

I'm gonna see you at the restaurant tonight, okay?

Marty (singsongy): Clyde.

No. No. You're not gonna introduce us?

You must be Marty, right? Harvey. Harvey Oberholt.

What is that? We are family.

You bring it in here, big guy.

(both chuckle)

Me, too. Me, too.

Get in here.

Both of you guys?

The more the merrier.

Oh, I'm Jeannie.

What a pleasure.

This is a nice operation you've got here.

Of course, it could be better if you were to use Clyde here to his full potential.

Oh.

760 verbal. No tutoring.

We don't have to talk about that anymore, Dad. - This is partner material you got over here, Marty.

You know what I'm saying?

Smart, smart boy.

Don't let him slip between your fingers.

That is great advice.

Dear God, if you make this stop, I will start believing in you.

Business cards. Awesome! Look, Jeannie.

Amen.

Jeannie: Okay.

Listen, we'll get together, we'll talk shop.

You've had some tough times here, I know, but, uh, you're gonna bounce back.

Trust me. I know the game all too well.

(elevator bell dings)

Oh! Elevator. So you got to get going.

Oh. Can we ride down with you?

No. - Yeah, come on.

You don't have to. Marty. Oh...

No, we'd love to.

Jeannie: So you were in consulting?

Well, sweetheart, let's just say that, uh, I've done it all.

Well, then we've got to hear it all.

♪ ♪
♪ This is who I am ♪

Ellis Hightower is an abscess.

A blood-sucking fraud.

He fired every engineer.

The new model is a six-figure death trap.

Total crisis of confidence.

Leadership vacuum.

With an amuse-bouche of underage hooker and peeing on employee, and, yeah, baby...

It's on video.

All on video.

Gage Motors stock is gonna fall very, very far.

Very, very fast.

But only if someone has the chesticles to stand up and tell the public the truth.

Short his stock, seize the glory.

Bet against Gage, shake the shareholders' confidence until their stock tanks.

She knows what to do, boo-boo.

Then she also knows that Ellis'll never see it coming.

It's time to shut him down.

Shut him down.

Down.

(sighs)

g*dd*mn.

You know, I never considered a threesome until this very moment.

Of course, since this information stands to bring home truckloads of "f*ck you money" to Global...

Yeah, we're thinking that a $22 million cash infusion into the coffers of K and A, that's an appropriate

"thank you."

Hmm.

I'll think about it.

And, for the record, I've had

"f*ck you money" since the '90s.

(chuckles)

Harvey: Well, there was a lot of talk back then about me going pro.

Uh, bidding wars, that sort of thing.

But the fact of the matter is-- not every guy with a 93 mile per hour fastball needs to have that kind of validation, you understand?

Woman: Cool.

Clyde!

Clyde, my boy!

I'm six inches away, okay?

Here are a couple of lovely ladies I've just met.

You know what?

As a matter of fact, don't worry about it.

Forget it.

Okay, thanks.

You know, some sons, finding out that their father had aggressive untreatable cancer, might be inclined to drop everything, you know, and stand by his side.

My son, uh, not quite so interested.

Mm... f*ck you, guys.

He's buying, I'm gone.

Excuse me.

Excuse us, ladies.

How are there so many f*cking people in this place?

Wait a second, wait a second.

What?!

What, I thought we were supposed to be bonding or something.

What do you think this is?

I got a couple of dim-witted tight-assed hotties on the hook for us.

You just got to go ahead.

The ball's in your court.

Wow, this is my nightmare.

This is my nightmare.

I'm taking said ball, and I'm going home.

Jesus, for Christ's sakes.

As if you're not trying to do the same thing every single night.

That's totally different.

How?

'Cause I'm 32, Dad!

You know what?

Not so long ago, once upon a time, so was I.

Come on, Clyde, come on, come on back.

You guys are incredible.

Oh.

(laughs)

(Harvey laughing)

Are you serious?

A giggle, that's how you're gonna respond?

Cancer.

Don't be a d*ck.

(keyboard clacking)

You look rested.

Does euthanasia require the patient's consent?

Or can I just go for it?

Why?

Just a shitty f*cking night.

What happened?

Look, either entertain me, or let me work in peace.

He's never gonna change.

No one ever changes.

That's a given.

Who is "he"?

"He" is Harvey Oberholt.

50% of my DNA, 80% of my current f*cking problems.

Yikes.

He has this way of, like, hypnotizing people into believing he gives a sh*t, and then he drops the hammer.

Division-1 deadbeat.

He bailed on your family?

Yeah, yeah, but in the most sinister way.

He never made a clean break, right?

Didn't have the decency to just vaporize like other kids' fathers, no.

No, he would wait until the moment my mom and I had forgotten about him.

Until we had put together the remaining pieces and created something decent, and then that is when he would come in and just f*cking shatter everything.

Just like that.

You know what?

Look...

This is my dad's example of adult father-son bonding.

Oh, no. Oh. - Yeah, there's more if you'd like to flip through them.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Is he...?

Motorboating a handi-capable retiree?

Yes, he is, Kels.

Why would you think he doesn't do that?

Of course he does things like that.

f*ck, Clyde.

Yeah, well, at least now I know how it all ends for me.

(laughs)

Oh, come on.

What? What?

Dude, seriously?

Clyde, you are so not your sh*t-bag dad.

How would you know?

Because you keep giving your shitbag dad chances not to be shitbagish.

And because it actually hurts you when he is.

It means you've got a real, functional heart in there.

It's just buried under all that bravado and coconut hair wax.

It's pineapple, actually.

Yeah, of course.

I mean, coconut, that would be super girly.

Super girly, you know.

Why would you even say it then?

Of course it's not.

It's a cool tie, though.

Thanks.

It's cotton.

Your lip thing.

Can you take it out?

I don't even know if that's a possibility.

Yeah, yeah, I can take it out.

Yeah?

Yeah. (laughs)

That feels weird when you put it...

(moans softly)

We can't go back to my place because my father has the key, so...

Well, it will take an hour to get back to my apartment.

Do you really want to give me that much time to change my mind?

That is a fair point.

Let's, um...

Um...

Oh, uh, no, I got it, I got it.

(moaning softly)

We'll have to go this way to get in...

(Kelsey laughs)

No, no, no, no, leave your tie on.

The tie on?

Yeah, yes, ma'am.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Ooh! sh*t.

Ooh.

Just go there.

Jesus Christ.

(laughing)

(both laughing)

Yeah. Yeah, yeah!

(laughing)

I can't...

I can't...

No, I want a little bit, I want a little bit.

I can't take it off.

Okay, now we'll go do yours.

Good for you!

Yeah.

(people exclaiming on TV)

This is better than p*rn.

It's like p*rn and Shark Week combined.

Denna: Gage Motors betrayed the public trust and gambled with consumers' lives.

Mark, simply stated, Ellis Hightower is a predator.

She is good.

His behavior is abhorrent and the people deserve to know.

My team turned over all our evidence to both the SEC and the Federal Trade Commission.

Doug: Oh...

She is scary.

Marty: Right?

This Halloween, I'm going as Denna Altshuler.

Yeah.

And we have just given her controlling interest in our company, guys.

(phone chimes)

Marty, can I talk to you...

Do, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Denna, Denna, Denna.

Yes, we're watching.

(laughs)

Yes, I'm fully engorged.

(laughing)

Because you guys keep asking and asking, yes, I did in fact make sweet, sweet f*ck to Kelsey last night.

Gross.

On Marty's office couch.

Gross.

Yeah.

It is gross.

But like... like in a good way.

Is it weird to say that?

I... I think she may be the one.

It's very weird. Yeah.

Yeah?

Hats off to you, buddy.

Ach.

Oh, I was not expecting that.

I mean, is that true?

It is 100% true.

Great.

It's weird though.

It feels so real.

The whole thing felt so real.

I mean, yeah, she's bizarre and kinda bitchy, but... I'm into it.

I'm really into it.

Wow.

Oh, Little Clydey Oberholt's growing up right before our very eyes.

Marty: Well, thanks to some very masterful work from Big Daddy Kaan, that Gage stock is in freefall.

(groans)

Oh.

Ellis Hightower is no doubt sh1tting his skinny jeans and $22 million is on its way from Global.

Yah, yah, yah.

You know I think?

I think I need a slow clap, b*tches.

Let's go, uh, and then, and then we let it build until, uh, as you clap, as you clap...

(Clyde grunts)

And while we're celebrating, let's give it up for Clyde who had sloppy sex all over Marty's office couch last night.

La... 'kay, well, no, no-no-no.

The conference table is too hard, and you know the kitchen is way too drafty.

Okay? I had no other place to take her.

I was just trying to be a gentleman so I f*cked her on your couch.

Every time you sit on that couch, you will now be surrounded by millions of teeny tiny Clydes dried into the fabric.

Forever.

Why-why-why... why would you do that?

Why don't you have sex on your own couch?

Well, we work on my couch.

Mm...

Marty: So you come on my couch, you work on your couch.

Get in my office, drag that f*cking thing into the lobby and call the hazmat team.

Do it right now.

For real? Just...

Do it right know, you skinny fucker.

I'm on it, I'm on it.

Of course. (laughing)

I actually need this couch.

Really?

At home, yeah.

Do you want it?

(clears throat)

Hey, Doug.

(shushing)

(quietly): Okay.

Um... so just a heads up, the word is that you slept with Clyde last night.

I know, just office gossip.

Vicious.

"Good afternoon, Kelsey.

"I like your makeup.

"Most girls can't pull off a day-friendly winged eyeliner, but you really make it work."

(chuckles)

So, did you or did you not?

I did.

(sighs)

My God, you should have come to me first.

For tips?

Look, Kelsey, here it is.

How do I put this?

Clyde is not the kind of guy that you want to get involved with.

Trust me.

Doug, you basically threw him at me.

No, I don't...

"Clyde's a really good guy.

He really likes you."

I-I was joking.

You were right.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, that is not what I meant at all.

Clyde is terrible!

He's the worst person I've ever met.

All right, plus he gets colds a lot, so I'd check my HIV status if I were you.

It's a good thing to do anyway.

I really liked sleeping with you, Great. but you got weird and shame-y about it.

I don't remember that.

Now, if you've had a change of heart, let's be adults.

I am open to f*cking you again.

Yes, oh, my...

Okay.

That was what I was going to suggest.

Thank you. Yes, oh, God, you just made me Okay. No. so happy.

(laughs)

You smell great.

You and me make so much more sense.

All right.

(claps hands together)

So, we just have to find a way to let Clyde down easy.

You want to tell him?

No, dude, just

'cause you want back in doesn't mean I'm going to stop sleeping with Clyde.

But... we could all do it together if that makes you two more comfortable.

I'm flexible.

(exhales)

Uh...

Yeah, I don't know if that's going to work for me.

It's not a hard no, but...

Holy sh*t. Blowtorch.

Doug: Oh, my God.

(people exclaiming)

All right.

Ellis: Everyone, gather round the couch fire.

I've got you.

We're going to make some f*cking s'mores.

I got this. I got this.

Doug: Oh, God.

Ellis: Where the f*ck are you?!

Oh, God.

(Ellis grunting, woman yells)

You treasonous sh*t stain!

Where are you?!

f*ck this!

Marty: Ell-Jeezy!

Is that smoldering Clyde jizz?

I know it was you!

My company's stock is in the g*dd*mn f*cking toilet!

I gave you life.

I will destroy you.

No, no, no, no, no.

I will bury you!

You seem very stressed.

So stressed.

You know, my sister's an energy healer.

I could put you guys in touch.

That would help.

Yeah, you got to look her up.

The same mega-c**t trashing my company all over cable news just happens to dump a load of cash into Kaan and Associates?

And you're gonna tell me it's a coincidence?

No. I am going to tell you that there's no proof that it's not a coincidence.

Shut the f*ck up!

He didn't even really listen to the answer.

You want to play?

Clyde: That's not yours.

You want to play, Marty?

Oh, no...

Yeah, that's right. we are out of kombucha tea.

Are we?

Did you get any? You...?

None.

I didn't.

Bristol Farms run?

Let's do it.

I'm down, let's do it.

Douglas?

We're going to the store.

Love that.

Hey, and don't worry, Brokey, I'll buy you another laptop.

(Ellis yelling indistinctly)

Wait, that was my laptop?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Doug, Doug, Doug.

I'll get you a kombucha. I'll get you a kombucha.

That's all I had left.

Doug, Doug. (Doug sighs)

Ellis: Oh!

Doug: Hey, did you see, I helped?

Marty: You sure did.

Did you see that?

(grunting)

(sighs)

Okay...

(grunts) God...

Okay.

(laughs, sighs)

(sighs)

You know, for an unrelentingly self-involved bastard, you are notably generous in the cunnilingus department.

Thank you?

Mm...

(laughs)

It's a new day, Marty Kaan.

f*ck yes, it is.

Oh, God.

Mm, mm.

Granted, your boy was on the ropes there for a second, but a big d*ck baller always finds his way back to the throne.

It's nice when dreams work out, huh?

Yeah.

You wanted me to own you... and now I do.

(moans)

(sighs)

♪ ♪