06x10 - Yer So Bad

[bunniefuu]

I just read a fascinating article on Amazonian frogs.

I'll tell you what, Tom.

You can bore us to death with your jungle frog talk if no one else has anything interesting to say.

Grayson?

Grayson: Uh...

Oh!

You know how I call my torso "The Truth"?

Well, up until now, I've never had a cool nickname for my butt.

No. Andy?

My favorite thing about flowers--

Another no. I guess it's up to me.

Okay, um...

The other day at work--

No, that's not a great story.

Um...

Just say anything!

I'm blanking!

Andy, try again!

I wish unicorns would walk in and--

No! Grayson!

Steel Mountains.

That's the name of my butt.

Horrible!

Tom, the floor is yours.

I don't want to really discuss frogs in the Amazon without first discussing tropical amphibia as a whole.

Salamanders and newts-- modern-day amphibians take on many forms.

[ All groan ]

Check it out.

Who am I?

A crazy person.

No. Look at me.

♪ la la la la la ♪

Elton John.

Yes!

Elton John?

Why were you dribbling two basketballs?

N-no, playing the piano. Duh.

Thank you. You're so smart.

You're so adorable.

You're a lucky guy.

You two have a good day.

Oh, thanks. You, too.

Oh, I love her. She's so sweet.

Why does she look familiar?

Jules, do you remember a couple weeks ago when your dad confided in me about a lady he was dating and we saw him at the park?

That's her. That's Diane.

What?

That's my dad's girlfriend?

Oh, my God, she's awesome.

I can't wait to meet her.

Why not now?

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Down, girl.

Your dad hasn't even told you he's dating anyone, okay?

Until he does, you're just gonna have to respect his privacy, maybe.

Give your dad a little time. Okay? He'll tell you when he's ready.

How about now?

Uh, hey, hey, hey, hey! Um, you know what, Jules?

Why don't you come over here and tell me about that basketball player, Elton John?

Oh.

Hey, babe, how's it going?

Oh, I'm slammed with orders.

I got a smash cake for a kid's first birthday and 300 cupcakes for a sorority whose cycles have all lined up and they're getting ready for a giant, house-wide PM dawn.

Ugh.

So, pretty standard day.

Yeah.

I just love these cupcakes.

Oh, thank you.

Do you and the other girl bake together?

Oh, no, babe, this is Travis. He's a man.

I didn't mean him.

It's okay.

No, he's got a little bit of a KD Lang thing going on.

I think it's hot. I get it.

I meant the cupcake cart girl.

Don't you sell the same cupcakes?

My cakes are exclusive Laurie Keller originals.

Anything less is just dog crap with icing.

Thank you.

Okay.

Is there some cupcake cart girl stealing your recipes?

No, I have been very protective of my creations ever since Snoop Dogg stole my secret language.

I should have never told him that his new album was the shizzle.

I just wanted on that yacht party so bad.

Oh, the one where Suge Knight pushed your friend overboard?

No, that was a different one.

Hey, dad. How you doing?

I'm good, June-Bug. How 'bout you?

I'm good.

[ Man speaking indistinctly on television ]

Do you think that guy on TV has a girlfriend?

Anderson Cooper?

Who's that?

The guy on TV.

What about him?

Oh, I don't know.

You brought it up.

Right. I forgot.

Do you have a girlfriend?

What gave me away? The cologne?

[ Sighs ]

I knew that last spray was a mistake.

So, it's true?

I wasn't sure how to bring it up, but... yes.

Recently, I have been enjoying some female company.

Dad, that's great. Aww!

So, when is it?

What?

Please.

We both know that you have already planned out the exact time and place I'm gonna introduce her to you.

Come on. Say it.

Dinner here tomorrow night.

I'm making pot roast, grilled vegetables, and two kinds of potatoes.

Dinner party? We're in.

What can we bring? I'm kidding.

We're not gonna bring anything.

Should I wear a tie?

I'm not sitting next to Tom.

Second.

Third.

No one's coming unless Chick says it's--

Fourth.

[ Gasps ]

Hang on-- I'm trying to find my keys but it's like a crime scene in here.

Thanks for the business!

He's one of yours, isn't he?

No, I've never seen that dude before.

Well, isn't that cupcake from your shop?

Where did you get that?

I bought it. It's mine.

No, it's mine.

It's my patented double chocolate cupcake-- the Two Fudge Two Furious.

Where did you get it?

The girl with the cupcake cart.

There is some low-rent push-cart bitch selling Laurie Keller originals.

Not for long, because you and I are gonna find her, track her down in a little thing I call... stakeout.

This is yours.

Harrison Ford is so cool.

My patient says he's great, every bit as laid back as Don Cheadle or Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

What?

What?

You just said that Harrison Ford is--

Why would I have a celebrity patient?

You sound like an idiot. Excuse me.

Whoa!

[ Sighs ]

You got a secret, Gazelian?

Secret? Me? Tom?

Andy, glass.

Ha!

I'm the on-call doctor for a secret celebrity who has a vacation home two miles outside of Gulfhaven.

Interesting.

Okay, guys, I need everyone to be on their best behavior when my dad gets here with his girlfriend.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Oh, that's them.

Okay, let's make this a great night.

I really think my dad's in love with Diane.

Hi, everybody.

This is Betty.

It's so nice to meet you, Di--

Betty.

Di-Betty, I mean, diabetes...

Which I hope you don't have. I-I made pie.

Well, no, I don't.

So, come on in, everybody.

Let's, uh, let's go have fun.

I'm already having fun.

This is great.

I can't believe this!

Dad is two-timing Diane with that linky-link.

What's a linky-link?

I don't know.

I'm too angry to think of words.

Just calm down, okay?

Maybe Chick was dating Diane two weeks ago and then they broke up, and he just met Betty in the last few days.

Hey, Chick, um... so, how long you been, uh, seeing Betty?

Six very exciting weeks.

[ Clicks tongue ]

Hmm.

[ Distorted ] Oh!

[ Chuckles ]

[ Normal voice ] Did you see that?

Diane does not deserve this.

So, nobody saw that.

Jules, I think Diane is great, too, okay?

And I do not like what Chick is doing.

But let's just keep a lid on it, get through the night, and then, tomorrow, you can deal with Chick any way you like.

It's just so fustigating!

Another made-up word.

Maybe! I'm mad!

Whoa.

Seriously? [ Sighs ]

So, Tom.

This mystery celebrity patient...

It's actually no big deal.

I knew it.

It's some washed-up athlete or the guy that owns Papa John's.

It's a huge star. I'm talk--

Never mind.

Andy: Hold on.

If you say Emma Stone, I'm gonna die!

Shh.

Anyone legit would have made him sign a contract prohibiting him from telling us who it is.

Exactly. Thank you.

But it would not prohibit him from answering yes or no if we guess.

The thing is, I--

[ Grunts ] How are you doing that?!

Here's my offer.

We ask you 10 yes or no questions, you answer truthfully, and we have one guess.

Sorry, I can't.

Here's my second offer.

I go into your house and burn every wig and fur coat that you own.

[ Gasps ]

Oh, yes. I know about that.

[ Sighs ]

Emma Stone! Is it Emma Stone?!

You have to ask yes or no questions.

You can't just blurt out random names.

Tom, is your patient a man patient or a woman patient?

Yes.

You-- Aah!

I asked around.

Cupcake girl comes here every day at sunset.

So, we just keep watch till her cart comes around that corner, then jump out like, "Freeze!

Drop the cupcakes!

I said drop the cupcakes!"

Wow, okay.

[ Laughing ] Calm down.

You are really into this.

Well, I used to want to be a cop.

But they don't make police helmets that fit my head.

This is all really fancy.

I mean, champagne and flowers and chocolates.

It's our first stakeout.

I wanted it to be special for you.

I mean, it's special for me because I'm with you and, I don't know, I just wanted to make it a memorable night.

[ Gasps ]

O-M-gagement.

So, we know it's a man who has acted in movies and does not know karate.

Karate acting and non-karate acting are two different worlds.

Now we know which one to focus on.

I saw her behind me in the grocery line.

And she was just so darn pretty, I had to introduce myself.

He was so sweet.

You know, when Travis was in third grade, he got caught copying a friend's homework.

And I told him, "Cheating is wrong.

It's bad to cheat.

So, don't cheat because cheating is bad."

Okay. Um, also a great story.

Thank you, Jules.

So, to clarify, cheating is good?

No, I think we've established it's bad.

Very bad.

I was a schoolteacher, and I once caught a student cheating.

Son of a bitch.

Jules!

Dad. - Cheating.

Bad.

Ellie?

Uh, anybody want some rolls?

Yeah, I'll take one.

Oh, look you asked for one roll and you got two.

I can handle two.

That's disgusting.

No, it's not. It's bread.

Not if he's having sex with it.

I'm confused.

It's not your fault.

[ Cellphone ringing ] I-I-I'm sorry. I forgot to turn off my ringer.

Well, let's see who's calling Mr. Popular.

Hi, this is Chick's phone.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

You can't talk to Chick right now because he's on a date with Betty.

Okay, I'll tell him you said that.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Well... your ear medicine's ready at the pharmacy.

Could someone pass the sex rolls?

Almost sunset.

Almost time.

Travis, I-I have the feeling you're about to do something big, but before you do, I-I just want to say--

Oh, someone's coming. Let's go.

Travis, wait.

It's just around the corner.

Honey, can we please just talk about this?

Wh-- Almost there.

Travis, I don't want you to propose!

What?

I know what this is.

I mean, the champagne and the flowers and a romantic spot at sunset.

There is no cupcake girl.

This is a proposal.

I can see the ring in your pocket, and I just-- I'm sorry.

I don't know how else to say this. I'm just not ready.

I-I don't want you to propose.

Oh.

You know, I don't think those are my cupcakes.

Ellie: So we have narrowed it down, and we think we know the name of your celebrity patient.

[ Raps table ]

Sarah Michelle Gellar.

Nope.

That's it.

No more eating till you tell us!

Don't eat all the cucumbers, please.

You just grab the horn and swing your leg up over.

Would you look at this?

He's practically screwing her at the table.

He's not doing anything remotely close to that.

Jules, listen.

I need you... to focus on me and stop glaring at them.

Ah! Okay? Tomorrow, you can go crazy.

You can tear your dad a new one.

But I need you to keep a lid on it tonight...

For me, okay?

Okay, I can do that.

For tonight, for you, I will keep a lid on it.

[ Laughs ] Chick, you're too much.

Okay, that's it!

[ Plate shatters ]

Betty, this man is a no-good, cheating son of a bitch.

And the lid is off.

That's right-- my dad is a dirty, cheating dog, and I think it's time everyone knew about it.

Jules, honey.

Oh, there you go with your smooth talk.

I bet you got all kind of sweet names for your ladies, don't you?

Great salad.

So, what does he call you, Betty, hmm?

Biscuit Buns?

Muffin Pants?

Doughnut Crotch?

Sugar Boobs?

Okay, that's it.

Look, um... [ Chuckles ]

Okay, everybody, just keep doing what you're doing.

Everything's fine. I will deal with this.

Babe, I am sorry!

I just freaked out because I thought you were gonna propose!

Right!

Because that would be the worst thing in the world.

Oh, Travis!

And I will deal with that.

Cookie Ass? Butter Butt?

Okay, Tom, we couldn't guess.

We give up. Who's your celebrity patient?

I can't tell you.

I gave you 10 questions and a guess. That's it.

Two more questions!

Is it Emma Stone?

Guys, no more. That's it.

After all this, your not gonna tell us?

Not even a hint?

I'm afraid not.

But-- but it's not a total loss.

I mean, we had a good time, right?

Hope you enjoyed your inside time, Tom.

House privileges are revoked.

That's okay. I like the window.

I'm-- I'm still plugged in. I can see everything.

That's gonna make it tougher.

Jules: Cobbler Face! Pudding Lips!

Okay, that's enough.

And first of all, Cobbler Face and Pudding Lips sound like something you catch from swimming in a dirty lake.

And secondly, Chick can't even hear you.

I know!

Because his face is being smothered by Betty's Sugar Boobs.

Would you stop saying "Sugar Boobs"?

Now, listen, Jules.

I brought you up here because I wanted to stop you from saying something you'd regret.

If you want to have it out with Chick, that's fine, but not like that.

You stay put.

You stay put.

Steel Mountains. [ Scoffs ]

More like Furry Peaches.

Hey, June-Bug.

Diane is so sweet, and you suck for cheating on her with Betty.

Diane knows about Betty just like Betty knows about Diane.

What?

Jules, when you asked me about this, I told you I was enjoying some female company.

I didn't say I was in a serious relationship.

I'm just being social, having fun.

Does "Fun" make you think of sex?

Gross, dude.

[ Laughing ] Jules.

No matter what age you are, it's always nice to meet new people, go out to dinner, see a movie, and, yes, sometimes to be romantic.

I guess I never thought about that.

I just assumed that women over 60 went home and knitted sweaters and watched "Wheel Of Fortune."

Not the gals I roll around with.

All right.

[ Chuckles ] Look.

I-I'm sorry that I wasn't more open about this.

But when the time is right, I would love for you to get to know Diane and Betty and whoever else.

Whoever else?

Hey, I'm a catch.

You certainly are.

So, what do you say?

Hmm?

You ready to go down and properly meet Diane?

You mean Betty?

sh**t, you're right.

I got to be careful about that.

I can't believe you said that!

I didn't mean it in a bad way!

Whoa, easy. What's going on?

She told me not to propose!

Were you about to propose?

No, but she basically said she's not ready to get married.

Are you?

Of course not!

You?

No!

So, you both feel the same way?

Apparently.

So, why are you fighting?

I don't actually know.

You're both happy.

You're on the same page. That's a good thing.

Okay. I'm seeing that now.

Well, that was easy.

So, we're good.

Babe, we're amazing!

All right. Go, us!

Yeah, we kick ass.

Did you see that? That was amazing.

It sure was. I'm glad I was here to be so amazed.

Tom: I can't believe I'm missing this-- whatever it is.

What are you doing?

Punishing Tom.

He got us all excited about his celebrity patient, and now he won't tell us who it is or if they know Emma Stone.

Do you not get what's going on here?

You two made a bunch of cracks about wanting nothing to do with Tom, so he made up a story about having a celebrity patient just to get you to talk to him.

He made it up?

I can't believe he did that.

All just to feel liked for a night. Hmm.

It's moving, really. Think on it.

Whoa!

Oh, did you see that?

I am on fire today.

That was amazing.

Tom: Man, I missed another thing?

Tom, get back in here.

Moving my punishment inside, huh?

What do I have to do, lick a fork and stick it in an electrical outlet?

No. We miss you. Right, Ellie?

[ Monotone ] Yes.

You're great, and I like it when you talk.

Really?

W-well, in that case, get ready to hear some cool facts about night blindness and tree frogs.

♪ ...to let it go ♪

Come on.

I would never actually propose unless I knew the person was gonna say yes.

FYI-- my dream proposal, Taye Diggs comes into Krazy Kakes.

"No Diggity" starts playing in the background.

I ask him what he wants to order, and he says, "Your tongue in my throat."

Uh, is the proposal part coming?

Just wait. It gets super romantic, okay?

So, yeah, like, we do start making out for like 10, 15 minutes, and it is really hot.

But even though it's super hot... [ Sighs ] he doesn't make me feel the way that you do, and that's when I know.

And then he takes off his shirt, and he's got this really tight t*nk top on, and it says... "Will you marry me?

Love, Trav."

And I say yes.

So, I'm not even there.

No.

You know what? It doesn't matter.

Thank you for telling me your dream proposal.

You're welcome.

I figured you might need to know it someday.

Betty, Jules has something to say to you.

She's not with you, Chick.

Crap.

Oh.

It's okay. It's okay. I've got her.

Um, she's just embarrassed about how she acted and I'm gonna have to keep her on my shoulder or she will probably bolt.

Jules: Turn me around.

Betty, I'm so sorry.

I do get kind of crazy when it comes to my dad.

And?

I'm really glad that you make him happy.

And?

And... I hope you have good sex?

Ha!

Oh, man.

My fault-- One and too many.

Yeah, and there we go.

Is she coming back?

Probably not. Let's eat.

All right.

[ Clears throat ]

Hey, I'm meeting my celebrity patient for lunch, so let's all be cool, like Big Tom, hmm?

Peace out, chicas.

[ Sighs ]

I wonder who the celebrity is.

No one, 'cause he made it up.

Why don't you ease up on the fries there?

I know I told you when we get older we'll ditch our husbands and run away together, but I am not gonna do that unless you keep your bod tight.

[ Chuckles ] Oh, please.

There's not that many gals in this town.

I think I'll be fine.

Holy crap.

Hey, Tommy.

Hi.

I just have to say this.

You are stunningly beautiful.

Thank you. So are you.

Thank you.

And I love this jacket.

It's really cute on you.

Oh, thanks.

So nice to meet you.

[ Chuckles ] You too.

All right, that's enough.

Yeah, you calm down and you go have lunch with Tom.

Bye.

Bye.

Keep walking, stretch.

This one's taken.

Really?

What's the big deal? When I was younger, I was almost a super-model.

Were you two feet taller?

I could still have a growth spurt, you don't know.