02x08 - Hypocritical Oath

[bunniefuu]

[Siren wailing]

Coming through, people, coming through.

What's going on? What's going on? What do we got?

He was halfway through a rib eye when he grabbed his chest and went down.

He's not breathing.

All right.

Here you go.

[Click, bleep]

Is this, uh...

Yeah, I think so.

Okay.

How you doin' here?

f*ring up the defib.

Clear.

[Power up whine]

[Thump]

Nothing.

Clear.

[Whine, thump]

[Beeping]

There he is.

Oh, thank God.

Right?

One, two, three.

There we go.

The service was lovely. Mr. O'Shea had a wonderful time.

I knew it was him.

Who is it, a local celebrity, some sports guy I don't know about?

Is this Ditka?

Do you see a halo? It's Jimmy O.

Oh, the guy from the mattress store commercials.

No, that's Jimmy C. The C is for crazy savings.

No, Jimmy O'Shea, old-school Irish mobster.

Like Whitey Bulger, but less successful.

Yeah, and less in jail.

Wow.

If I were a mobster, I'd never go to restaurants 'cause that's where all the hits happen.

If you were a mobster, you'd die your first day of work.

No, I wouldn't, 'cause I'd order in.

You should teach mobster school, Brian.

You've got a lot of good ideas.

Hey, hold up.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. You can't ride with us.

But you can follow us to city hospital.

I go where Mr. O'Shea goes.

Come here.

Watch my car.

I'm just about to get off.

No, you're not.

[Siren wailing]

Take Madison.

Oh, we'll get him there, sir.

Madison is fastest.

Well, we got the siren, so we're good to go.

You're gonna take Madison.

Yeah, Madison all the way.

[Muttering]

What's that, boss?

He said shut the hell up, Fat Eddie.

Can I have some oxygen please, Hank?

Sure.

Does Mr. O'Shea have you confused with perhaps a heavier Eddie?

If anything, you seem like a Skinny Eddie.

I only ask so we can determine how his brain is functioning.

No, I'm Fat Eddie.

I used to be obese.

But then I changed my lifestyle because I could see this is where I was headed.

[Muttering]

What, boss?

[Mutters]

Tell the man.

p*ssy.

He called you a p*ssy.

25 years I've been telling him to cut back on the meat, but he won't.

You know why he eats at that place?

'Cause they put a big slab of butter on the steak.

I told him this was gonna happen, but does he listen to me?

Oh, I thought that was a rhetorical question.

Um... no?

Correct. No.

Even when I lost all that weight working my balls off on that goddamned elliptical.

That's a girl's machine.

He said that that's actually...

I know what he said.

Yeah, I-I choose not to hear when he gets like this.

How we doing up there, Johnny?

[Siren wailing]

Jimmy O, huh?

Huh?

That guy is no joke.

I heard he once cut off a waiter's finger for putting the spoon next to the fork.

They go on opposite sides of the plate.

Remember that.

You sure he wasn't trying to eat the guy's fingers?

[Laughing]

Homeboy is huge, butter-on-steak style.

That's wild... you guys had a m*rder*r's life in your hands.

Yeah.

We did, indeed.

It's a shame our jobs prevent us from k*lling people like that.

Yeah, and laws in general.

Yeah, but you know how long the cops have been trying to take that dude down?

What's the point of having all this power if we can't use it?

It's the oath we take.

We do our best to save whoever's put in front of us whether they're good or evil.

Dope dealers, g*ng bangers, dictators... doesn't matter, you save them.

And besides, Jimmy O isn't all bad.

Are you kidding me?

I'm not saying the guy's a saint, but he did keep a kind of peace in my neighborhood, and he paid for all kinds of cool sh*t like a carnival every year.

He built us a little league field, like, the best little league field in the city.

It had these cool dugouts just like a big league stadium.

He bought it with blood money, John.

I don't care, Hank.

Dugouts.

Below the ground dugouts.

So who's the worst person that everyone here has saved?

Your mom.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I didn't even... I don't even know where that came from.

That was really good.

Hank, worst person you've saved.

Aaron Rodgers.

Bullshit.

Who's...

Packers quarterback.

I never told you about it because I was too ashamed.

You never told me about it 'cause it never happened.

Remember when I was earning extra cash as a set medic?

Yeah.

I worked on a commercial for some lame potato chip company, and Aaron Rodgers was in it.

Oh, of course he was. d*ck.

Yeah. Anyway, in the commercial, he had to catch a pass from a little kid.

I love that commercial. That kid's so cute.

Read he was a problem on set, though.

Where would you read something like that?

Mm-hmm, little sh*t had an arm.

And on the first take, Rodgers wasn't prepared for it.

Caught the ball wrong.

Dislocated his middle finger on his right hand.

His throwing hand?

Yeah.

And if I hadn't popped it back in right then and there, he would have missed the NFC title game when they b*at us to go to the Super Bowl.

2010.

Holy sh*t. You son of a bitch.

That little kid actor would have been a g*dd*mn American hero, and you... you ruined it.

I can't even look at you right now.

John, you just saved a man who most certainly has blood on his hands.

That has never been proven, but you know what has been proven?

You, Henry Isaiah St. Clare...

Isaiah's your middle name?

So regal.

Brian.

You... cost the Bears the Super Bowl.

Thank you, Brian.

Cutler's knee cost the Bears the Super Bowl, and Jimmy O most certainly has blood on his hands, his arms, his...

You don't get to wear Bears gear anymore.

It has been four years, John.

You don't get to wear Bears gear for four years.

Uh, you don't get to tell me what I get to wear.

And another thing, he was nice.

You take that back.

Ellen Degeneres nice.

Take it back!

Nice, nice, nice.

Oh.

Can you believe that those guys saved Jimmy O today?

See, that's why I want to join the FBI, so I can take scumbags like that down.

Aw, come on.

Jimmy O's all right, T.

He gave the kids in my neighborhood a horse one time.

Wait, not a horse.

What's the thing that's a horse, but, like, a smaller horse?

A pony?

Yeah, a pony.

I guess that's nice.

Yeah, that pony was an assh*le, though.

He wouldn't let anybody ride it.

I tried, like, 100 times.

I gave him sugar cubes and carrots and hay.

I must have tried everything, but that pony was like, "hell no, son.

You ain't getting no rides."

That pony was a straight up d*ck.

I miss him every day.

Hey, well, maybe one day you'll meet again.

Mm-hmm.

What was the pony's name?

Tony.

Ha-ha. Tony the pony.

Nah, just Tony.

Hey, 14?

Some guy named Eddie just called.

What'd he want?

Said he needs you guys to go to the hospital.

His friend Jimmy wants to talk to you?

Oh, sh*t.

He sounded cryptic and cute.

Was he cute?

He was okay.

Kind eyes, lost a lot of weight recently.

I'd say go for it.

No, don't go for it.

He is a criminal.

Dangerous and cute?

Now you're just sweetening the pot.

Yo.

What are you doing here?

Hank called us for backup.

You called my girlfriend for protection?

Yes, I did, because your girlfriend is a cop, and those guys are murderers.

They're alleged murderers.

Hey, me and all the kids in my neighborhood worshipped Jimmy O. He was the man.

Yeah? Did he build you guys a little league field, too?

No, but he gave us a jerk pony.

Mm. All right, you go in first.

You got the look.

What look?

Tall, jacked, intimidating.

Black?

I... it doesn't hurt.

He didn't build me a dugout.

You lead.

I can't.

All right, let's rock, paper, scissors.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I mean, that works, too.

I think it should have been him, anyway.

Yeah, Brian, thanks.

Mr. O'Shea?

You wanted to see us?

I-I want to thank you three for saving my life.

I owe you. What do you want?

We... we didn't expect a gift, but...

But I mean, if you... since you offered.

What do we want?

We want you to make some changes.

Brian?

Mr. O'Shea, I will save your life, but I will not hold my tongue.

What Brian's trying to say is...

And I would be remiss if I didn't take this opportunity to give you some hard truths.

What kind of hard truths?

Your diet is horrendous.

That steak and linguine is a one-way ticket out of here, mister, in a body bag.

That's what I've been telling him.

All that fricking fat and gluten, it's poison.

I thought you were about to lecture me about my business activities.

Oh, no.

Never, dugouts.

Look, I stress eat.

We all do.

For me, it's donuts.

Business is bad lately.

We got hit really hard with the recession.

The numbers business is practically dead.

It's all scratch cards, now.

There's no unions anymore, just Walmart and the freaking Chinese.

You know what business we should have stayed in?

Speakeasies.

My daughter took me to one in Wicker Park.

Some assh*le in suspenders and a small hat charged me $15 for a whiskey soda.

Oh, that dump on Damen.

Oh, I hate that joint.

Mr. O'Shea, if I may, you're in a cycle.

You're under a lot of stress, so you eat poorly, and that makes you sad, which stresses you out more, and so you eat more junk, and that makes you more stressed and sad, and I think you see where I'm going with this.

It feeds on itself.

Intentional pun.

We should let you get some rest.

Yeah.

All I'm saying is put down the meat, pick up the veggies.

Put some color on that plate.

Yes. Eat from the rainbow, Jimmy.

You know what's at the end of that rainbow?

Health. And who knows?

You may start feeling a little bit better about yourself, stop doing the murdery stuff.

Alleged.

I never spent a night in jail.

Mr. O'Shea, you've been given a second chance, an opportunity to do things a little differently.

But don't change for me.

Change for you, for your daughter, for Fat Skinny Eddie.

You got a friend and a coworker who cares an awful lot about you, and that makes you one freaking lucky guy.

I appreciate your honesty, kid, and I'll try to make some changes, if only so you'll stop talking.

Okay.

[Uncomfortable laughter]

Thank you, Mr. O'Shea.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Thanks so much.

Hey, Mr. O, on behalf of all the kids on 26th Street, thank you for the pony.

Oh, what's up, man? You lose some weight, bro?

96 pounds.

Yeah, you did.

Yeah, you did, man.

Yes, we saved Jimmy O's life, but do you know who the real hero is?

No, [Laughs]

No, no, it's not me.

Fat Skinny Eddie is the real hero.

I mean, it's easy for me to walk in there with the full weight of my expertise and say, "change this, change that."

But Eddie's the one who's got to be there every day making sure the change sticks, and that's the only way it's gonna work, 'cause the truth is it's your coworkers who know you best.

Well, take this from your coworker.

When you get on your high horse, you're an ass.

I was gonna say exactly the same thing, except d*ck, but I like what you did with the ass bit 'cause it's a play back on the horse.

Thank you.

Okay, okay, I'll take your criticism to heart because it's the people you work with who really do know you best.

I think we've all identified certain areas in one another that need improving, so I'll go first.

No, no, no, no, no.

Nope, nope, nope.

We're not talking about what we'd change about each other.

I tried that with Theresa once. It did not go well.

Strange, I heard Irish cops take criticism very well.

You know, weirdly, I've heard the opposite.

Brian, listen.

People have been trying to change me my entire life, and trust me, it's incredibly annoying.

Look, I'm not talking about big changes, here, fellas, just little, small, mini ones, tweaks.

For example, sometimes I think that I look up to you guys too much, and that's a lot of pressure.

I should probably dial that down.

Not necessarily.

No, I think you're good.

And Hank...

No, you don't need to go around the horn, Bri.

We're not playing.

No, no, John.

I would love to hear what Brian would change about me.

Thank you, Hank.

Hmm?

Hmm.

Sometimes when you ask for things in the rig, your tone can be a little aggressive.

That's because I need things aggressively.

It's not every word, mostly the way you say "gauze."

Oh, totally.

You bark it out, right?

Well then, shitheads, how would you like me to say the word "gauze"?

With softer consonants, like gauze.

Gauze.

No, like this.

Gauze.

Gauze.

Gauze.

G-gauze?

Both: Gauze.

G-gau...

No, like this.

No.

Watch this.

Watch him.

Gauze.

Yeah, he's doing it.

Gauze.

It's just, like, gauze.

Gauze.

Gauze.

Gauze.

Gauze?

No, no. Shh.

Watch. Watch my mouth, gauze.

Gauze.

Gauze.

Gauze.

Gauze.

Gauze.

You're a little close.

Gauze?

Gauze.

Gauze.

Both: Gauze.

Gauze.

Hey, how about... how about some gauze?

Hey, gauze.

Hey, have some gauze.

Gauze!

Gauze.

Gauze.

Gauze.

Gauze?

Gauze.

Gauze.

Gauze.

Gauze.

Gauze.

Gauze.

Gauze.

Gauze.

You know what?

Listen, listen, listen. If we doing this, Johnny, you could close the back doors every once in a while.

How about that?

Oh, good one, Hank.

What?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, we load a patient in.

You run to the front like the back is automatically our problem.

You could close the doors every once in a while.

But that would k*ll our system.

I drive, you're in back, Brian's the bag man.

Yeah, exactly.

I always carry the bags, and I sit in this tiny little seat, it doesn't even have a real seatbelt, and all I'm asking for is a little more consideration and a slightly more pleasant tone of voice.

Your seat is tiny.

It's like a little perch.

Like big bird.

Big Bird Brian.

I like to call it the Brian zone.

But when I think about it, I'm like, "Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, live in ambulance 14, the Brian zone."

The Brian zone.

[Air guitaring]

Whoa.

[All air guitaring]

Whoa, jeez, hey, look at that.

[All air drumming violently]

Like Phil Collins does.

I love that.

I got to say, though.

Mmhmm?

I'm feeling a little bit of a gong at the end of it.

Nah.

I cannot believe I met Jimmy O.

I'm starstruck, T, like, a star came out of the sky and hit me in the face.

That's how I feel right now, man.

He bought your neighborhood a small, stupid horse.

Big deal.

T, how could you even say that?

Have you seen a horse?

Yeah.

They're so majestic.

I love their neigh. It's so proud.

Plus, their hooves make jell-o, which is delicious, and glue, which is super helpful when you're, like, doing a project.

You know the horses have to die to make all those things, Billy.

And that's really sad.

But what a way to go.

And when they live, man, when they live?

They're alive.

The wind blows through their manes.

I wish I had a mane.

So he said he owed you, and he asked you what you wanted, and the words "pool table" never came out of your mouths?

Well, we were going to, though we were gonna ask for a ping-pong table.

Ping-pong table?

Mm-hmm.

Why didn't you just ask for a checker set?

Ping-pong is not a man's game.

What's wrong with you?

Pool table, b*tches. Billiards.

I'm working with children, here.

I love ping pong.

Yeah, you know why?

'Cause ping-pong is awesome.

Are you good, Johnny?

He thinks he is.

I'm not saying I'm the best player at the barbecue, but I'm the person the best player wants to b*at.

So you're saying you're the second-best?

Second, third, depends on the barbecue.

But it doesn't matter, because Brian blew it.

I simply told Mr. O'Shea that all he owed us was a promise to make a few changes in his diet.

Ping-pong would have been better.

What are you talking about, trying to change people, Kevin?

People don't want to change.

Oh, on the contrary, the boys in ambulance 14 have all agreed to make some changes.

Haven't we, fellas? Huh?

Hey, no.

Don't touch me.

I'm sorry.

Terrible idea.

Never try to change your coworkers.

I once gave Mac what I thought was constructive criticism, and my knee hasn't been the same since.

You either accept someone or you find a way to get rid of them.

That's what happened to Scotty.

The dude with the weird-ass eyes?

Mm-hmm, felt like one eye was always looking at my d*ck.

I don't know, Cash, maybe some small changes around here could be nice?

There we go, people.

It's in the air.

Yeah, like, maybe you could let us pick the lunch place every once in a while.

Absolutely not.

Or maybe you could start calling me by my real name.

That would...

That would be a nice change.

Or maybe we could change your name to Kevin.

I like that.

I just think we're capable of more, you know?

Maybe, like, for instance, polish thunder.

I think it'd be just easier to change his name to Kevin, don't you?

I think so, too.

We're on the way to the hospital, ma'am.

How is your hip? Are you still in pain?

Are you allergic to anything?

Mmmm.

I'm gonna get you a little pain medication.

You'll feel better in no time.

Johnny, I just want to say that I really appreciate you closing the doors this time.

Only took you three tries.

Yeah, I forgot the left door had to close first.

Why does it have to be so damn complicated?

It's not rubik's cube, bro.

You feeling better, ma'am?

I am.

You see that voice you're using with her, right there?

You could use that for everybody in this rig.

Gauze.

No, nicer.

I'm not playing, Brian.

Gauze.

It's the pitch in your voice, your tone, maybe it's your face.

What?

It's mean.

You do have mean resting face. You know what it is?

It's a bitch face.

I do not have a bitch face.

You have a bitch face.

Do you want me to talk to you like a little old lady?

Fine. Brian, may I please have some gauze?

Why, certainly.

Why, thank you so much, Brian.

It's kind of creepy.

Brian, are the doors closed enough for you?

Is your little body able to handle the stress back there?

All right, that's enough.

I get it, I feel like I'm in a horror movie.

Not my genre.

Like I said, we have a system.

Things are the way they are for a reason.

Do you know how many people would die here if we worked like that?

Change kills, bro.

Listen, I'm just thankful that you guys tried to change at all.

[Murmuring]

What was that, ma'am?

Could you turn up the radio?

I love this tune.

The radio's not on, ma'am.

Would you like us to play something for you?

Let's dance the shag, strawberry jam, you boys know that I love pennies?

Oh, I love a good old-fashioned morphine ramble.

It has been so long.

She's so cute.

I hid art for the Nazis.

Okay, so now I have a new worst person I've saved.

No, Aaron Rodgers, bro.

Nope. No, this is worse.

[Knocking] Come in.

Mr. O'Shea, Fat Skinny Eddie, I just want to apologize for the other day.

I may have been too harsh.

I've been told that I can be a little annoying when I get on my high horse.

You did what I couldn't.

[Chuckles] Oh, it was nothing.

I just gave Mr. O a defibrillation of truth from the heart.

It's what I do.

Edward, would you grab me some sparkling water and lemon, please?

You got it.

Look, I ain't gonna change, kid.

But I want Fat Eddie to be happy.

He deserves it for putting up with me for so long.

I'm willing to fake it, out of love.

Hey, boss, they only had still.

Come here.

[Chuckles]

25 years, I've never gotten a hug.

Then get in this thing.

No, absolutely not.

Hey, is that from Jimmy O?

How'd he know we wanted one of these things?

Bri, did you go talk to him again?

I did, but...

It's not from Jimmy O, assholes.

It's from me.

I'm not gonna change for any of you, but I will buy you a ping-pong table.

Oh, man.

Thank you.

Thank you, it means a lot, Cash.

You're welcome, Kevin.

g*dd*mn ping-pong.

That ball is everywhere, going underneath every g*dd*mn thing, impossible to reach.

Won't be no balls in two days.

I ain't buying new ones, nobody will.

That table's gonna be a coat rack in a week.

Little help?

No.

Pony time, yeah, pony time. All right, pony time, okay, pony time, hey.

I see the pony. Pony time, pony...

Oh, my God. Tony.

What up, man?

[Neighs]

It's me, William.

I go by Billy now.

You probably don't recognize me 'cause I was a little bigger when I was a kid, though.

This is my partner, T.

Hi, Tony.

She's hot, right?

All right, Tony, we about to do this thing, all right?

This is gonna happen. Here you go.

This is gonna happen today. That's it.

He loves it.

[Laughs]

Yeah.

Oh.

Good boy.

Tony.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Yeah, see? T, look, I'm doing it.

I know.

I'm on the 26th Street pony.

Can you take a picture real quick?

All right, I got it.

Of me and my boy, T?

Okay.

All right, all right.

Tony.

Tony, look at the camera, baby, oh.

Oh!

Hey, did we get it?

Yeah, I got it.

Nice.