10x09 - Frank Retires

[bunniefuu]

Charlie: We think it's a sinkhole! It's awesome!

Dennis: It's really not that awesome.

Mac: It's blowing my mind!

How is a hole in the ground blowing your mind?

Dee: Look, I was a little bit skeptical at first, too, but we've been playing with this thing for three hours now, and it's fantastic.

I'm sorry, can I ask how do you play with a g*dd*mn hole?

First, we just started, like, throwing things down it and then we never heard it land. It would just kind of rattle around down there.

Then we got a flashlight to see if we could see the bottom. We couldn't.

Then I threw it down there, you know, to prove a point.

What was the point?

It was something to do with how metal travels faster than light or...?

No, it was that light is either on or off.

There's no speed to light. It's, it was an anti-science thing.

This hole, it's very exciting, Dennis. I mean, it represents infinite possibilities. It's endless.

What if there's, like, a mutant living down there? We can get him up and he can live in the bar with us.

We've already got one mutant hanging out with us in the bar all the time.

(laughter) Hey, Frank, did you hear what I said? I turned a frustrating conversation into a joke on you.

The, uh... thing.

Frank: Huh? Oh, y-yeah.

Frank, what do you think about this hole? Pretty cool, huh?

You want to do something with it?

No. I don't. In fact, something just dawned on me. I need to quit.

Wha-What? What are, what are you talking about?

I don't care anything about this hole.

I-I'm passionless.

What are you saying, Frank?

I hereby officially retire from Paddy's Pub.

(all cheering)

All right, now, with Frank retiring, I know we're all a little bit concerned about how that affects everyone's shares.

Frank owned 51% of Paddy's Pub and we own 46%.

Well, we did, not-not Dee.

She-she doesn't own sh*t.

Yeah, I know. g*dd*mn it.

Yeah, yeah.

And, Charlie, you actually gave up most of your shares for various sandwiches and snacks and sundries and...

What the hell is a Franquito? It says Franquito owns three percent of Paddy's Pub?

Oh, yeah, I don't know.

That's probably one of Frank's weird shell corporations.

It doesn't matter. Who gives a sh*t?

It's only three percent. Whoever gets Frank's 51% is the majority shareholder. That is who controls the bar.

That is who gets the throne.

Oh, there-there's a throne?

Oh, sorry. No, I was just referring to the desk chair as the throne 'cause that's where the boss man sits.

Ugh, gross. That chair smells like Frank's butt.

It's not actually Frank's Frank's butt; I think it's a combination of all of our butt smells, you know?

That's worse.

Yeah.

Why would anybody want that chair?

No, no, it's not about the chair itself.

It's what the chair represents. The chair represents power.

Okay, well, all right. How do we divvy up Frank's shares then?

Uh... Okay, well, um...

I'll-I'll take them.

You? You?

You think we're gonna give the shares to the man who wants to pull a mutant from a mystery hole in the bar and live with him?

All right, well, look, I'm just trying to come up with a system.

We got to have a system here...

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

We do have a system for this! Paddy's Succession Plan, remember?

Oh, sh*t! Right.

Yes, right! Paddy's Succession Plan.

It was like a will that we drew up to help us determine who would get each one of our shares in the very likely event of our untimely deaths, that's right.

We drank, like, three bottles of tequila and then we started talking about our legacy and how important that was to us.

Oh! Got to have a legacy.

Oh, here we go.

Oh, oh! Yeah, okay.

On a paper plate, huh?

Read it! Read it! Read it! Read it!

"Paddy's succession plan. Paddy's Pub shall secure our legacy here, henceforth and forevermore throughout the birthright of our firstborn kin. Who had the pen here?

It makes sense. Don't be a bitch.

What it means is every one of our shares gets passed down to our firstborn.

Right, right! Our firstborn!

The shares get passed down to the firstborn kin?

Yeah.

We are the firstborn kin of Frank.

Well, now, hang on, that's not, like, an official document.

Uh, well, you signed it in your blood.

Oh, that, yeah, there it is-- "Trundle," written in blood.

Oh, yeah, I was going by Trundle at the time, wasn't I?

No, no, no. You were trying to write "Charlie" and you wrote "Trundle."

No, I was going by "Trundle the Great."

You came up with that after you miswrote it.

Well, look, the point is you can't just take the bar based on a paper plate.

Sorry, Charlie.

I'm siding with Dennis and Dee. I'm your humble servant.

You're just gonna give it to them?!

That's a binding contract. Okay? You wrote it in blood.

That's gonna hold up in a court of law and I know when to pick a side. I'm siding with Dennis and Dee.

Wait, hold on a second. You guys aren't even actually Frank's kid. Your Bruce Mathis' kid, all right? And I technically might be Frank's kid.

Charlie, I pledge my allegiance to you.

No, no, no, no.

Wait a second, no. But Frank is a Reynolds and we are Reynolds.

Yup, we're Reynolds.

Yeah, and it's the name that carries on the line, not maybe being someone's bastard kid.

It was always you guys.

I tricked him, I tricked him. It was always you.

It is the blood that binds. And his blood is pumping through my veins. And I shall prove it.

(door opens, closes)

This is a little bit harder because he might win 'cause he has some good points.

But you guys might win...

We don't give a sh*t about what you're talking about!

It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.

(sizzling)

(panting) Heyo! There's my guy!

Hey, I got a piping hot Grilled Frank for you, okay?

I got the sausage, the Spam, the bacon.

I got it wrapped in a jelly pancake and cooked with a stick of butter.

I don't want that, Charlie.

I'm trying to get in shape. I read all about this phenomenon that guys' bodies immediately turn to sh*t the second they retire.

Oh, yeah?

I got to work on it.

All right, well, you know, just-just take a peek, see if you like it.

Uh, hey, listen, man, can I ask you something?

(grunts) What?

Are you, like, um... my dad?

What?

Are, like... are you the-the father of me and sh*t?

We've-we've been over this.

Yeah.

Your mother's a giant whore.

Right.

I don't want to stress about this, Charlie. I'm retired. Leave me alone.

I want to watch a little TV.

Yeah. All right.

Charlie, hey... Oh. Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?

Yeah. Hey.

Hey, um, I came up with a really great idea, dude.

Yeah?

I'm gonna play both sides.

Why would you tell me that?

Should I not have?

Probably shouldn't 'cause if you're trying to keep a secret from me, well, now I know.

I should've... Should I tell them?

No, I don't think you should tell either side 'cause if you try to play both sides and they both know, you're not playing anybody.

What should I do now?

I don't... I don't give a sh*t. Why are you here?

I'm here to prove my allegiance to you.

Because I believe that you're the rightful heir.

Okay, whatever.

All right, well, I see... I see that you don't believe me.

Why would I?

So I am prepared to take a blood oath with you.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, dude! Oh, that was Frank's toe Kn*fe!

Oh, it hurts so much. All right, quick, shake on it.

No, I'm not gonna touch your blood.

Do you have something I could... I got to close this wound.

Here, just plug it up.

That was so not as cool as I thought it was gonna be.

That sock's probably gonna get it more infected, though.

All right, look, look, look, look.

We got to prove that Frank is your dad.

Dude, he-he doesn't even want to have that conversation with me, okay? And he's certainly not gonna get tested, you know? He's really resistant to the whole thing.

(sighs) All right, well, then we're gonna have to do some testing of our own.

Yeah?

I can choke a man out in four seconds flat.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I guess we could try that, or, uh...

All right.

You know, I could probably take his blood right now. He's out.

(snoring) He's staring right at us.

Yeah, he's been falling asleep with his eyes open like that, but he's way out. I mean, we could prick him.

He won't feel a thing. Frank!

(sniffing) Anything?

Nothing! Not a single butt smell to that.

How is that possible?

I don't know.

It's either this guy's butt or this brand of chair.

It's got to be the brand, right?

All right, we got to get one of these for our throne.

Yeah. Hey!

Hey!

Hey, what do you say, Doc? So, what is the verdict?

Is Frank Charlie's dad or not?

I don't know.

I don't know who that is. What I do know is I came to work this morning to find a very large bucket of blood in my lab.

Yeah, well, that's the sample, obviously, and, uh, you know, if it's too big, it's because Frank sprung a little bit of a leak there.

Yeah, it was a mess, huh?

He was bleeding like crazy.

There was blood everywhere, but we caught enough of it, I think.

Yeah, we must have cut a deep vein or something.

Wait a second. Most of this came from one man?

Did we take too much? I-I didn't think that we took too much.

Yes. You took too much.

Also, there's traces of more than four individuals in here and at least one animal. Was there blood in the bucket before?

It is a blood bucket, so yeah, there was old blood.

I didn't come here to get sassed, okay? I came here to get an answer to my question. So is Frank Charlie's dad or not?

The only thing that I can tell you is that, based off of how much blood is in this bucket, your friend is in desperate need of blood.

All right, Dee, the bar is finally ours.

Let's talk redecoration.

Well, I'm thinking chrome, and I'm thinking chrome everywhere.

The other thing that's important to me is a proper dance floor.

That way, any time I want to just pop a boogie, I can do it wherever I am, and it won't be weird, you know what I mean?

Okay.

(raspy): Oh, think of it, brother. With them out of the way, we can do as we please. Two butts, one throne.

All right, you know what, you've been doing this all day.

Why are you talking like that?

I'm just being... I'm being arch.

Why?

Well, because we're being devious and we're plotting, and I just wanted to make sure that it was clear that we were devious and plotting.

You don't need to indicate to me that you're being devious when you're actually being devious.

I guess I had some concerns that you wouldn't pick up on it if I didn't make it super clear.

Yeah, but the problem is if you start doing that, everybody's gonna pick up on it. And that defeats the purpose.

Yeah, got it.

Dennis, Dee, quickly-- we don't have much time. Charlie and I doctored a paternity test to make it look like Frank is Charlie's dad.

But the tests were actually inconclusive; there was too much blood in the bucket to tell. The reason I'm telling you all this is because I'm playing both sides so that I always come out on top. So, with this information, I'm gonna leverage you guys into making me the head of security at the new Paddy's Pub.

Mm.

O-Okay, okay, couple things right off the bat, there, pal.

Number one, um, never tell one side that you're playing both sides.

Yeah.

And number two, if you are gonna play both sides, don't give away the information before you get what you want.

Oh, sh*t. Right, don't give away the in-information.

Yes.

All right, well, if I am gonna play both sides, what should I do?

Oops.

You're still telling us that you're playing both sides, so Uh... Okay, well, what if I make a blood oath... uh, allegiance to you guys?

Oh!

Ooh.

Gross.

Yeah, I, uh, I sliced it with Frank's toe Kn*fe and, uh, it's not bleeding anymore, but maybe I could...

Oh, yeah, here, I'll just get it again.

Oh!

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, God!

Jesus, dude, that was the lime Kn*fe.

Oh, I feel that-- it stings.

Oh, Dee, here, shake my hand.

No, get away from me, gross.

Aah. Dennis?

No, your blood is disgusting.

Aah. What should I do?

Go to the doctor.

Mac, why the hell'd you sprint ahead of me, man?

Oh, 'cause I'm playing both sides.

Jesus Christ.

Wow.

It doesn't matter. Okay, guys, I got some documentation here proving that I am the rightful heir to Frank's butt chair.

Yeah.

All right, Charlie, save it, save it.

Mac already told us that that's not a real paternity test.

What the hell, dude? You swore a blood oath to me.

Dude, you never touched my blood, okay?

All right, you know what, if you really want to work here... kick Charlie out here.

Hmm.

Really?

No problem, dude.

Charlie, let's go, bud, get... All right, dude, I'm gonna carry you out.

(exclaims, grunts)

Oh, sh*t. Oh, my God, he is so heavy.

He's, like, grounding himself with something.

Oh, now he's going limp. No, come on, dude, that's not fair. Help me out, here, Charlie.

Help me out. That's it, dude, that's it.

I'm choking you out.

Okay.

You're going out, dude, you're going to sleep.

Good night, dude, good night, bitch.

(exhales) Your head of security just choked himself out.

Hey, Frank, I know you're trying to be healthy, so I got you a hoagie with extra pickles in it-- I figured you could use the veggies and stuff... Oh, sh*t!

Hi, Charlie.

What... What's going on with you, man?

I forgot to dye my hair this morning.

What's up with your teeth?

I was eating some of Deandra's pyramid scheme berries. I was trying to get healthy.

Right.

I feel a little light-headed.

All right, well, I'm sure it's nothing, you know.

Probably just, like, tired from working hard and then...

You know, the body crashes when...

O-Oh, sh*t, did you fall asleep again?

(snoring)

Frank?

Is he dead?

Oh, sh*t.

He looks bad.

What are you sneaking up on me for?

Oh, listen, Dennis is acting weird and I don't like it. Now, I know he's got something planned, but he's not indicating, so I don't know what it is.

Right.

No, I get that, I guess, so, yeah.

(raspy): Yes, yes, exactly, Charlie, so here's the plan: we need to outsmart him before he can have us m*rder*d...

Are you okay?

...and throw us in... Hmm?

Do you need a glass of water or something?

(normal voice): No, I'm good.

What are... W-What's happening?

I'm... I'm being arch.

Oh. Oh.

We're doing a thing together, so you know...

Yeah, no, I know, just 'cause you're telling me what's up.

Okay, okay, fine.

The point is we got to prove that you're the rightful heir to the throne.

Yes, of course, that's why I got this plastic bag, 'cause my blood bucket was inconclusive.

You just need a couple drops.

Right, yeah.

So let's open him up.

Yeah, all right, but you know, we got to be careful, you know, 'cause I think I took too much blood last time.

Is that what's going on?

Yeah.

Okay, well, you just need a couple drops.

Yeah, all right, just a prick.

Just a prick.

Okay.

Oh, my God, so much blood!

Oh, so much blood, I think we hit an artery, Dee, look at this.

Yeah.

Oh, sh*t.

Is he okay?

No, he's okay, you know, the duct tape'll stop it.

Okay, let's just get... Wait, oh, sh*t, this is leaking.

Oh, no. Oh, sh*t, I'm holding it...

Wait, wait, stop, stop! Oh, damn it.

sh**t, Charlie, I'm sorry, I was trying to help.

Can't imagine it was gonna be a very good sample anyway-- there are quite a few pickles floating around in that bag.

Yeah, what I was thinking.

sh*t.

Wait a second-- which one of you and Dennis was firstborn?

We're twins.

No, I know, I know, but, like, who did Barbara actually, like, pop out first?

Oh, sh*t. Oh, Charlie.

"Worst is first!"

What is that?

"Worst is first." My mom used to say that to me all the time because I was first and she thought I was the worst.

Holy sh*t, that's terrible, but that's good for us.

Yeah! Yeah!

Okay, so that means you're the rightful heir to the butt chair.

So, all right, we can work with that.

All right, let's get out of here, come on, we can't tell anybody about this, all right?

Okay, okay.

Let's... All right, let's just go.

Always hated these. So that's gonna change.

Worst is first, dude, worst is first.

What are you talking about, man?

Dee is conspiring against you.

Charlie figured it out. "Worst is first."

Charlie and Dee were getting blood from Frank when Charlie realized Dee was born first. Therefore, she's the rightful heir. Then I got a little bit more blood from Frank, 'cause I feel like we're probably gonna use it in the future and he was already opened up, so who gives a sh*t?

Okay, all right. How'd you get all this information?

I was hiding in Frank's apartment, and then they went out into the hallway and I heard them through the door. Dude, the best part is I'm gonna use this information to leverage you into giving me a better position under your reign.

You just told me the infor...

You know what? Forget it.

Good job. Um, how about the position of my pawn, how's that sound?

Pawn.

Yeah.

Pawns are cool, there's a lot of them, you know. They move diagonally.

I've always thought that I move a little bit too much forward and back and I should be more like... like...

'Cause then, you can't see me, if I'm coming at you like this.

Like, sideways. Well, watch.

Well, don't move your head, dude.

All right, what if you keep your head there but close your eyes...

It doesn't matter.

I need you to do something for me.

Oh... oh, my God. That is crazy.

It's the smell of a thousand butts.

Hey! Dennis! Dennis, I did your bidding.

Good.

Yeah.

Frank is on his way. But dude, whatever it is you got planned, you better do it fast, because if Dee and Charlie get that birth certificate, you're screwed.

Look, Mac, I told you, I've got it under control.

Everything is going according to my plan.

Right.

(Charlie and Dee shouting)

(raspy): Oh, brother, looks as though you've underest...

Stop doing that. It doesn't work.

No?

Look, we found the birth certificate proving Dee was born first.

Mm-hmm.

Worst is first.

Worst is first, yeah, and then Charlie and I, we made a blood oath, so now we are in cahoots.

Yeah!

Hey, Trundle, can I get in on that?

Ugh!

I'm on their side.

Nasty.

You idiots. Did you not think that I had anticipated this? While you were running around town like lunatics, chopping your hands to bits, I did a little bit of research. Turns out Franquito isn't a shell corporation after all. He's a person.

Dee, you remember Josefina, our maid from the early '80s?

Yeah.

Well, it turns out Frank had been banging her for years, and just before we were born, he was. Franquito!

- Ven acá!

Holy sh*t!

Whoa!

What?

Yeah, look upon him. Yeah, he doesn't speak any English, by the way, so don't try talking to him.

But we worked something out. Yeah, Frank's shares go to him, 'cause he's the firstborn... and then Franquito signs to me.

It's game, set and match.

(engine sputters)

Holy sh*t.

What is happening right now?

I'm not... I'm not feeling so well.

Retirement is difficult. (coughs thickly)

Anyway... hey, Frank! Guess who this is?

Haven't seen him in a while, have you?

♪ ♪

Come closer.

It's your son. Franquito.

Yes. Of course it is.

Look how beautiful he is. Oh!

My one true child. Come closer.

(gasps) Oh!

You give me so much joy right now.

And, so, Frank, the bar shall go to him.

Oh!

Just need you to sign here and here.

When a man is no longer needed in the tribe, his body betrays him.

Yeah.

When he has no purpose, the blood seems to drain from his body, leaving him a shell of the man he once was.

I don't know where you're going with this, but can you just sign?

I'm unretiring.

Wh-What?!

I have a plan. I will retain all, and Franquito will help me run the bar as my number two.

Speaking of number two... (farts loudly)

Oh!

Dude.

Oh!

(people groaning)

Damn it! Come on. I just cleaned that.

That's Frank's butt smell. That is it. I told you. Oh, no!

That is the exact smell of the chair.

Everything is better than it was before.

No, it isn't.

No, it isn't.

No.

I have my son to rule with me.

No, you don't.

What do you mean?

Because Franquito's not your son. I made it all up.

What?! How?!

All right, look, guys, it's very simple. Seven years ago, I walked into a Wahwah, and I saw this guy, and I thought, "Holy, sh*t!

That guy looks just like Frank, but, you know, Mexican."

And then I came up with a plan where I could make Frank believe that he had a son with our maid Josefina all those years ago, and I could bilk him out of a shitload of money under the guise that the money was all going to his firstborn son, Franquito, when, in fact, the money was going to me.

And it worked, too. It was a good plan.

Yeah, but that's, like... incredibly devious, dude.

I mean, you've been screwing Frank for years?

Yeah. I mean, you guys would have done that, too, right, if you'd thought of it?

Uh, I don't... I don't know.

I don't know, man. I mean...

Yeah, I think you guys would have, but, either way, it doesn't matter, you know, 'cause everything is, uh, as it should be, so let's grab some drinks.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

No, no, everything is not as it should be. You tried to screw us out of the bar.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you tried to steal the bar.

No, no, no, no, I was trying to get things to go back to the way they were-- get him back on the throne, and, you know, so we could get back to doing all the things that we love to do at Paddy's, you know, like, um, finding out what's at the bottom of a hole. Right? Did we ever?

sh*t.

Did you guys ever find out what was at the bottom of that?

No, we dropped it completely.

Yeah.

Oh, sh*t, dude.

There could be a Goonies situation down there, right?

That. Yeah, that's what I was thinking, yeah.

Yeah, we were discussing it. You feeling better?

You know, the hole... The hole in the bathroom? Yeah, I feel pretty good about this.

Want to pee in that hole?

All right, come on, let's go check it out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's get in the bathroom.

You want to try to flush that thing one more time?

Ah, the hole.

Oh, I'm so excited things are back to the way they were. Yes. Go play in your little hole, you fools.

You still need me to stick around, or can I...?

No, Franquito. We're done here.

Can I get my five bucks?

Yes, you can get your five bucks.

g*dd*mn, you're a greedy bastard.