01x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

Questioner: Are you losing control, Commissioner?

I don't answer that sort of question.

A year ago, Commissioner, you promised us new faces, a new approach.

But on corruption, on racial diversity, on the use of lethal force, it's business as usual, isn't it?

Miller: Uh-uh. Next question.

Oliver: You've not had a kiss of the Blarney Stone this morning, Commissioner.

What exactly have you been kissing?

Excuse me?

Oliver: Well, have you been kissing the arse of the Home Secretary?

Have you not had your hands down a number of big boys' trousers, looking to keep 'em sweet?

Yeah, all right, Tom, knock it off.

Commissioner, you've got to respond. Just let him have it.

No, I have not been tugging off politicians for influence.

Changing times. New ideas. Big challenges.

London is safe. Big Ben's on time.

The Beefeaters are f*cking the ravens. All's well.

Look, thank you and good morning.

Commissioner, I think you need to...

Thank you. Incredibly useful.

I have always rehearsed my CEOs for big set pieces and it has always been beneficial.

Today's hearing with the deputy mayor will be tough.

I think you need a new strategy.

I have a strategy for the committee.

I give them nothing.

Yeah, that's passive and defensive.

Things are changing.

Everything's always changing.

I remember when it was Monday. Now it's Tuesday.

Yeah, don't patronise me, Commissioner.

You are very plausible when you come out fighting.

You don't like a question that was asked?

Paraphrase it to answer one we do like. Basic, yeah?

Okay. Fair dos. Point taken. Excuse me, I have a lot on my plate.

Two steaks, a fish supper, and a Subway foot-long sh*t sandwich on my plate.

I understand. All I'm saying is we should be, like, "Hold on. Didn't order the sh*t sandwich."

If you give me the time, I can help you.

Sure, okay.

Let's schedule 20 minutes before the committee, Tom.

And what about you, Liz? Settling in okay?

Yeah. Good. My refrigerator is...

You don't need to know this, but it buzzes, like... (MIMES BUZZING)

Really loud while I'm trying to sleep.

Okay, that's bad.

I'll be around at 2200 hours to fix it.

Oh, well...

I don't know if that would be...

I'm joking, Liz.

Right.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

No, me too.

Oh, my God!

All right. So, girls, girls... f*ck work.

Women: Hello, pavement! (CHUCKLING)

Mia, hey!

Liz! Brilliant! You came?

Yeah, are you kidding?

I... You said. So I thought...

Ladies, I give you Liz Garvey.

Head of Communications at Scotland Yard.

Oh, f*ck that sh*t.

I'm just Liz.

Mia: Get another one down you, boss.

So, presumably you do know other people in London?

Oh, yeah. Loads.

Well, some. One, really. A guy.

I don't know what went on. I guess, he was a boyfriend.

So, what, did he head-f*ck you?

He was more of a f*ck-head than a head-f*ck.

Oh, a head-f*ck and a f*ck-head.

Hubba-hubba!

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

Can I have his number?

You are welcome to it!

It's like, why are we even in communications?

Is she okay?

Because we are in an information revolution.

If it was 1815, we'd be running the rail roads.

Yeah.

It's like the footage of the police sh**ting at the takeaway.

Don't embargo that, put it out there.

Yeah.

Ask Joe Public, what would they have done?

I mean, that's a huge perception shift.

It's really, really interesting!

Garvey: And the commissioner...

It has to go from him grilling me to me preparing him.

He's a brand and he's reluctant to sell himself because he's a part of generation-reluctant- to-accept-the-commodification-of-the-self, like that hasn't been happening since Napoleon.

And I am talking so much work sh*t on your one night off and I need to stop.

Liz, f*ck work...

(MEN YELLING)

(ALARM BLARING)

Hmm.

That's not so bad.

And this is live, is it?

Ow.

It's pretty much live. There's a three-minute delay or so.

But it's great function, isn't it?

Brilliant function.

Vanessa: It's all part of our Securamax service.

Also nice to think he's probably over the worst.

It was three minutes ago.

Yeah, he'll be fine. Is he?

Okay, it's not nice, but bottom line... Is it a riot?

Because our view, and I've had this direct from HQ, is that it's not a riot.

Well, it's a disturbance. It's definitely a disturbance, I'd say.

No one's saying it's not a disturbance. Disturbance is fine.

Look, I don't want to put pressure on you.

Terms of Securamax contract. I'm asking you, if it's a riot, we say it's a riot, and the firm takes a hit.

In my opinion, what we're looking at here is a severe disturbance.

Quite. It'll burn itself out.

It is tiring, fighting.

Yeah, the arms will tire, eventually.

Warwick (on video): Drop the w*apon! Drop the w*apon!

(g*nsh*t)

Garvey: Hi, Warwick. Sorry to keep you waiting.

Liz Garvey.

Hi.

So, the reason I've got you in to see me is because it involves the incident you were involved in, the discharging of...

When I sh*t that bloke.

Exactly, when you sh*t that bloke.

So, the footage of it gives a really good vibe of how it must have felt to you.

Before I give it to news agencies, I want you to watch it here with me to be sure you're comfortable with it.

I sh*t him. I think I can cope, Miss Garvey.

Okay, great.

Then I'll just take a look.

Armed police! Armed police! Drop the w*apon! Drop the w*apon!

I'm going to stop it before it gets to the...

(g*n f*ring)

Oh!

f*ck!

Sorry, I missed it. We'll pixelate, obviously.

Why? Is that to protect me, or just 'cause I'm so ugly?

Look, some people don't trust us.

They think we have a bunch of trigger-happy meat-heads on the team.

But this took judgement and skill. It looks great for us.

That is why I want to put this out there.

It's a shame he didn't have a g*n, eh?

Yeah, well, it looks like he had a g*n.

Yeah, see, that's what I thought.

(ALARM BLARING)

(YELLING)

We've been getting emergency calls from the surrounding housing.

The residents near the prison are beginning to panic.

What's going on in there?

I don't want to go into too much detail.

No? And I don't want the GP to put that brush up my vag*na when I get my smear test, but that's the procedure.

We're not currently requesting police assistance under the terms of our contract.

We have officers at the heart of the disturbance, ready to reassert total control.

And out of interest, why don't they?

(MOBILE CHIMING)

(SIGHS)

Uh-huh.

Well, what's on fire? No people are on fire, are they?

Sure. No, I get it.

It has become necessary to request assistance.

Yep. Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

Tom, can you get into my diary?

All my medical appointments, doctor, physio, can you delete them?

Can I technically, or ethically, or physically?

What's the question?

No, sure. Very good. And can I ask why?

Yes. For a reason.

Excellent. Thank you.

And you don't want to ask your secretary yourself?

I don't want it to happen.

I just want it to have happened, all right?

Disturbance at Craven Wood Youth Offenders.

Securamax were trying not to trigger penalties.

But now they're calling us in.

Everyone all right? Guards, kids?

Yeah, minor injuries. I'd like to deploy TSG for perimeter control and potential intervention assistance.

Okay. Deploy the reserve with all due haste, bearing in mind our other responsibilities.

Absolutely, Commissioner. f*ck them.

Will you get down there, Sharon, make sure it plays right?

Sure.

Tom, get me Liz.

(MOBILE CHIMING)

(BEEPS)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Now good?

Yeah, good. Come in.

I just wanted to catch up. Have a seat.

Mmm-hmm.

Okay, look, Finn.

I know I took your job, but I'm not going to pretend.

I don't like you.

It's great to see you too.

And you don't like me.

Only everything I know about you.

You know, Adolf h*tler would sometimes appoint two people to do the same job.

Then he'd just see who was best, who fought it out.

Great manager, great guy.

What I'm saying is, let's not fight.

Yeah? Let's harness our different talents.

Okay, Liz. Can I just be really open and honest with you?

That's an interesting question you've never previously tried.

It was hard for me when I didn't get the promotion.

You're funny, you're good at the job, you're talented, you're young, you're ve... Very attractive...

You had me at "Good at the job". Let's do it right here.

And things have been hard for me and Sarah.

She wants to be in the country, she wants to be in a bigger house in the country.

The commute's k*lling me, then suddenly, bang!

Ah, she hates the country.

That's hard.

I mean, it's not Gaza, it's Hertfordshire, but still.

So, yeah, maybe off the back of that I have been a little...

Brittle.

But, yeah. Let's give it a go, yeah.

Yeah. Okay.

Bad news, mate.

What?

You got a bounty on your head.

What?

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, Catford mob have put a bounty on you, mate. A grand.

What?

Banjo: It can't be true.

I don't think there's a grand in the whole of Catford.

Yeah, sorry, Warwick. That bloke you put out of the picture, brother-in-law thinks he's wide. He's not. He's just some pub arsehole.

Apparently, they got wound up by the video.

It's up? How did it... Already?

Internet, mate. It might be the new thing?

(SIGHS) Brilliant!

I hope they put a link up to me house on Google Maps and all.

A grand?

I'd pop you for a tenner.

Always the way, mate.

In the orchestra of life SC019 are the piccolo players, always getting f*cked by the top brass.

Tony, that is profoundly sh*t.

f*ck off.

I'm going to put a f*cking bounty on your banter, mate.

So, Robbie, will there be a big bastard anvil cracking your head like a melon?

Or a samurai sword up your jacksie?

I'm laughing. I actually find this really funny.

Come on, guys, give me more.

Nobbo: Oh, you're definitely going to die.

Prison riot, plus it's your last day before you head off for weapons training, mate. It's guaranteed.

Lewis: Could it be one of those really sad, weird ones?

Dickhead throws a brick, you duck, wasp flies in your mouth, stings you, and your throat closes up. (WHEEZING)

Or a nut job ties your d*ck in a knot and you drown in piss from the inside.

Can we get a move on? It's going to take hours at this rate.

No drama.

Nope. No lights. That's the order.

Looks like a long one. Hard on the family, is it?

What are you missing out tonight, then?

Um, feet in the foot spa, curry on the lap.

Me? Um, Tuesdays I'm swimming, normally.

Clarkey: Hey, Robbie, got a message for you, mate.

"Good luck tonight. See you down at the prison riot.

"I'm going to do you with a broken bottle. Love, the Grim Reaper."

(LAUGHS) I don't understand it. Does it mean anything to you?

You're a funny guy, ain't you?

News reporter: Well, police officers are now arriving at the Craven Wood Youth Offenders Institution after what we believe to be an outbreak of rioting.

Now, Securamax, that's the company, the security company, that holds the contract to police this institution.

They're the ones that called in the police to try to calm the situation.

We've also had reports of people being held hostage inside the institute, but as of yet these reports are unconfirmed.

Um, just to let you know, Richard wanted to put something out on this.

You?

Or you.

You were on a call. I'm telling you now.

Okay. What?

Just the line on the riot. "We're here when needed."

Subtext, "We don't have an axe to grind on privatisation."

But poking a cheeky nipple out of the top of the subtext, "Do you really want to privatise the cops?"

End up with some knobhead in a bib, letting al-Qaeda play swing ball with a nuke around Nelson's Column?

Please don't use the word "nipple" around me.

I find it offensive.

I'm sorry.

I'm f*cking with you, Finn. That sounds good.

I don't know. Are people going to make the connection?

Because this is prison privatisation, not police.

First they came for the prison service, and we didn't give a sh*t 'cause they're wankers.

Then they came for the traffic wardens and everyone was still very much, "Meh, f*ck 'em."

And then they came for us, and there was no one left to give a toss.

All right, but I only trust you, me, or Mia to deliver that line to the media.

Teamwork.

It's a great time to get the private sector to back off, by the way.

Rumour has it Securamax are trying to poach some of our top talent.

Can't have people robbing from the police, now, can we?

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Do you think I have a particular stance?

Like, the way my knees go? I'm distinctive, aren't I?

Banjo: Not really, mate.

Just the hard-on before you sh**t unarmed members of the public.

Man: (OVER RADIO) Trojan 133, to confirm. Lone, armed male.

Bishop's House, Wandsworth, third floor.

IC1 caller described it as an U*i-type shotgun.

Trojan 133. On it.

U*i shotgun? f*cking hope not.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? A trap.

A trap, because?

Well, they're not going to hit me in Catford, are they? It's too obvious.

Oh, right. No, sure, mate, no. Let's... Let's keep an eye out on that front.

(SIREN WAILING)

Everything seems to be quietening down.

We think it's going to burn itself out.

I don't think we have any such intelligence.

That's not what I'm hearing.

Fine, well, let's just make sure we're on the same page.

We at the mayor's office would love to have a clear communications message on the root of all this.

Briefing against the private sector, does that look like you're picking a fight with us?

Ah, they've twisted that.

I'll get on them. That's bad.

Thank you. Obviously, we don't have an axe to grind, but it would be great to get a senior face out there just squashing any notion that privatisation or staffing is the root cause of the disturbance at Crane Wood Youth Offenders Institution.

Agreed.

Well, I can do that.

Securamax staffing levels are not an issue, as far as we're aware.

Ma'am, the inmates say they have the guards hostage.

And do they?

Well, they have people in a secure room.

The firm say the staff are monitoring the inmates, but the inmates are of the view that the staff are hostages.

Is it airtight?

It may not be airtight, but, I mean, what can they do, suck all the air out with a straw?

Fart them out?

What's that coming underneath the door?

Yeah. What is that?

Lighter fuel. They said it was lighter fuel.

Get out of there. Get out of there.

Is it definitely... Hold on.

Open the door!

No. Can you taste it?

Wait. It's water. It's water!

Oh, f*ck!

Sharon: Oh, good. Yeah, they're in. That's great. Well done.

Hmm.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

And a swift end to this is what we're all hoping for.

Lid on press. Boot up the kids.

You know, Finn, you're all over this.

Why don't we get you down on the scene, make sure everything stays nice and tight?

I want my best brain on it.

And regarding this...

Interesting ideas. Let's keep working on that.

Thank you.

(WHISPERING) Thank you.

We managed quite well there.

Coward: You're looking forward to getting your hands on a w*apon then, Robbie?

Can't wait. But right now it's all about the nuggets.

Everyone's got to do the 100 nuggets on their last day, Matt.

Nobbo: Right, come on. Get those chicken arseholes down you.

Matt, a quick word?

Yeah, have a look at that first.

Is that it?

Oh, that's easy, is it?

Of course.

Okay.

So, how you doing so far? Got much usable?

Bits and bobs, you know.

That stuff "Tuesday night's boring night," any good to you?

I don't know. Maybe, maybe not.

Don't take the piss. That is not a nugget factory.

There's nothing. I'm worried about it, technically.

Whether it's too dark.

I'm concerned regarding the light.

Mate, what?

Oh, f*ck off, then.

Clarkey, what...

Look, mate, it's Davina.

Apparently, she's got a cheeky one. She's on a foreigner.

She's riding someone?

Yeah!

And Tuesday night's ride night, apparently.

She tells her old man she sees her sister, but she panicked on camera, and she can't even swim.

So, it's a bit of an issue, her saying swimming.

Oh, right, right, right, right. Who's she riding?

(CHUCKLES) I don't know. Some hunk of spunk.

So, for her, can you cut it?

Mmm.

Look, I mean, that's just random nastiness now.

The situation is definitely tense, and it's not clear whether the inmates have any specific demands.

It's also not clear whether the situation was made worse by the fact that Securamax, now, that's the company in charge of running the institute, are understaffed, or whether this was just a spontaneous outbreak of v*olence.

Mmm-hmm. Yep. Yeah.

Patrick and the mayor are very keen to be kept abreast.

Is it resolved yet?

Yes, you can tell them I've sorted it.

Oh! We've sorted it, apparently.

He says, "Cool. Brilliant."

Yes, I've agreed they can have a 24-hour titty bar and a rock of cr*ck the size of Gibraltar. Is that "cool"?

No. He's joshing, Patrick. (CHUCKLES)

That was... That was pure josh.

Um, but the headline is, "We'll let you know." That was the...

That was the point of the josh. We'll call you. Cheers, mate.

Of course, there will be an enquiry, but at the moment, we cannot pinpoint any spark.

To the best of our assessment, Securamax were doing a good job at this facility.

Yeah, so he's been sounded out to join Securamax.

Anyone who says otherwise really should wait...

Charlie?

(CHARLIE CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY ON TV)

Who, Charlie?

How did you get this?

I know their head of recruitment from business school.

Inglis has been to their Glasgow headquarters three times.

Oh, Charlie. You've dipped your d*ck in the Moulinex now.

Charlie: Thank you very much.

Banjo: Can you look after the car, please, fellas?

(BABY CRYING IN DISTANCE)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Armed police! Can you open up for me?

Woman: Everything's fine, thanks. There was a man, but he's gone.

I'm fine now, goodbye!

I need to see you! Can you open up for me, please?

(BANGING ON DOOR)

Hello?

(BABY CONTINUES CRYING)

Armed police!

We need to search the premises.

If you do not respond we are going to have to make a forced entry.

Can I have a word?

You all right, mate?

I've got this chair from one of those online things.

I can't put it together. I don't think they put...

What's that thing that's not a screwdriver?

An Allen key?

No, not that.

So, I want to make a complaint.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Tony: Front door!

Let's have it.

I'll lock down this whole situation, yeah?

Stop! Stop!

Man: They messed up my prescription at Londis.

They don't pay any duty because they're Poles.

Tony: Stop or we'll sh**t!

Armed police!

Stop!

Armed police! Stop! f*ck's sake.

Come here. Come here.

f*cking arsehole.

Good luck, pal!

Unarmed male heading out of Bishop's House towards A23.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

His head's not right, man.

Who, Warwick?

The bounty's given him the yips.

They've got hostages.

What are they saying?

(OVER RADIO) This is Guard Gabriel Peters.

The message I have from the inmates is that they wish to speak to Holly Willoughby.

We're working on it.

We're working on it.

And they want pizzas.

Joey Barton's said on Twitter he's willing to be an intermediary.

Gabriel: They say that if they don't get pizza, they will stuff one of us with cheese up the anus and cook us and eat us.

Tell them we would advise against eating a guard.

Look, we'll get you some pizzas.

They say they want naan breads. And onion bhajis.

Hold on, I'm getting lots of requests.

40 bargain buckets. 20 ham and mushroom. Stuffed crust.

Not stuffed crust. That's taking the piss.

They say no anchovies, or someone lose their finger.

Did they say that?

Yeah!

Okay, sit tight. Tell them we're sending in pizzas.

We need to make an intervention plan. I've received a credible thr*at.

Stuffing him with cheese and eating him?

No cheese could realistically be inserted up an anus.

I don't know. Reckon I could do it with a wedge of Parmesan and a lump hammer.

f*cking hell. f*cking time wasters. f*cking hell. Step away from the...

f*cking. f*cking... f*cking lamp post. f*ck. f*ck. f*ck off.

I'll be tooled up. I will ver-ver-verbally dominate you...

All right, guys?

So, listen, we were very excited with the off-the-record material you sent us.

Yeah? You liked it?

Oh, we loved it, Matt. Yeah.

Uh, what we were wondering was whether or not we could get hold of not just a copy, but the original material?

Yeah? Why?

To look at it more. Properly. The original.

I mean, what were your plans for it, Matt?

All right, look. Here's my thinking.

I get together enough material of Robbie off the cuff and I basically put together a feature.

Directed by me, produced by you. Indie sh*t. Under the radar.

We break out. Sundance, festivals, online.

Bang. The real story.

Okay, I have a thought...

Yeah, I have a thought.

Cool, I'll put my thought on ice.

My thought is this is f*cking bullshit.

You're grabbing your own hair, cutting through your neck, pulling your head off and going, "Look what I've done."

That is a concern.

But we're happy to talk about it, aren't we?

Miles: To be honest, no. No, I don't want to talk about it.

I want you to delete it.

The police lay us golden eggs every day.

Rule one. Do not f*ck the golden goose.

You know, you hump the golden goose, you're going to get golden egg on your d*ck, smashed.

You know, same pipe, probably. Isn't it?

Sure. No, I get it. Yeah.

Course you do. Because you're a f*cking grown-up.

Hey, Finn. We're about to go into committee.

Everything tight?

Yeah, Liz. No worries.

We on message? Situation stable. Anything I need to know about?

No, it's definitely still going to be all going on here when he's in front of the committee.

Yep. Sharon's playing a blinder.

I've got the line. Yeah. Laters.

All right, hi, sorry.

So, joint Prison Service and Police operation in conjunction with Securamax.

Everything's going smoothly.

And what's the timeframe? You going in soon?

Yeah, we're going in at exactly... f*ck off, Harry.

Operational details are confidential.

But between us?

Can you piss off to the pub? No.

Will we go in right away? No. No. The assessment is not.

What's the background?

They're bad lads. But we can cope.

Off the record? Deep background.

Personal opinion. Definitely not a Met briefing.

The private outfit are a shower of shite.

The mayor's pushing to go in way too soon.

Good bloody job we're here to hold things steady.

But that's just me.

Any colour for us?

They want to talk via Holly Willoughby.

We're sending some pizzas in.

What toppings?

I don't bloody know. Martha, what toppings?

A few margheritas, a few ham and mushroom.

Here, feast on that, John Pilger.

What sort of ham?

Oh, I see. Yeah. Regular, basic ham.

All right? We're not pampering these lads.

Headline for me is "Cool Heads Of Police Hold The Line."

But that's just me.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

Oliver: Liz.

Liz, just a quick one on the down low.

But I'm a little bit concerned there might be an issue around Richard's health.

Yeah?

Yeah. He's eager to keep something quiet.

And I think it's beholden on us, it's no Gaddafi's Amazon virgins so to speak, to try to keep him out of stressful situations.

Out of stressful situations?

Yeah.

He's the head of London police, Tom.

His scrotum is the mayor's stress ball.

Your briefing notes, Commissioner.

Commissioner... Normal stone-wall on policy, is it?

Just facts and figures?

Yeah, just a quick one, Charlie, in case it comes up.

I'm not going to find you jumping ship in the next 12 to 18, am I?

Eh? What's this nonsense?

I've signed nothing with anyone.

Okay, well, I'm finding this increasingly reassuring.

What if I refuse to incriminate myself?

What if I went a bit 1970 West Midlands Serious Crime Squad and asked you to come for a walk with me?

Look, Richard, off the record, I'm in a tough spot.

You're in situ. You're not going anywhere, thank God.

And I don't want to go to West Mercia, hunting paedos and sheep rustlers, I want the top job, but sometimes you wonder if your face fits, you know what I mean?

So, yes, in my shoes, wouldn't you be tempted?

Don't play me like a f*cking prick.

I'm sorry?

I'm talking quietly now because I do not want to lose my temper.

Well, I appreciate that.

We put you up to deliver a line which backed a private company, who in my personal opinion are a bunch of trouser-stuffing, arse-licking, penny-pinching clown-f*ckers, and they want to come after a slice of my pie, all right?

Well, I think that's a bit harsh.

Yeah, well.

You were the face of this force.

What if you go and someone makes the link?

That's not going to happen.

Oh, thanks for looking into your crystal-f*cking-ball.

But why don't you sit on it? Because here's the thing, I'm on 24 hour a day storm watch, yeah?

I sleep like a cokey meerkat on an electric fence.

That's me relaxing.

I've got a map inside my head of all the trouble in the world and you just popped up on the radar like Godzilla's hard-on.

And I will cut you loose and watch you burn if you ever, ever f*ck me again, Charlie, all right?

(DOOR OPENING)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Commissioner. How are you?

Your boys took a bit of a b*ating in mid-week, didn't they?

Have you got your shin pads, Charlie?

Deputy mayor's mob need you for centre-half.

Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

Break-out. Inmates are through in a cordon and heading for perimeter.

We're launching the drone for perimeter surveillance.

Drone now activated. And airborne.

Nugget 41.

Oh, the 42nd nugget is the hardest nugget.

They call that one The Wall.

Officer: (OVER RADIO) All TSG units, break-out assistance required.

464. Got it. That's us.

Break-out.

All right, you heard the man.

Are you serious? I'm on 42 nuggets.

That's got to be at least two chickens. I'm halfway!

Break out, break out, break out. Perimeter fence north.

Ten or more young offenders over the fence.

Repeat, break out, break out, break out. Perimeter fence north.

IC1, IC3, IC4 males scattering now.

Breaking north, east, and west. Immediate action. All TSG...

Good afternoon, Commissioner.

And welcome to the Mayor's Committee on London policing.

And can I just start by asking you to acknowledge that the great force you lead today probably commands less trust than it has ever commanded in its whole history?

It's very nice to see you too.

And given that state of affairs, as most people see them, can I just ask your personal opinion on some police functions being operated under contract by private firms?

You'll understand if I don't get into policy discussions.

And is that just your fancy way of saying no?

(MOBILE CHIMES)

Because this committee is tired of you saying one thing in public and another in private.

Oosh! That's what I said to my ex.

I made him cry in the end.

If you want an example of us doing our job and the private sector doing theirs, then Craven Wood at this very minute...

Yes.

Are you aware there's been a break out through police lines at Craven Wood Youth Offenders Institution?

Is that true? Why don't we know that?

Uh...

I can't comment on operational matters.

Grant: No.

Why hasn't this prison riot been resolved yet?

Well, I think I just answered that.

That's like a French 14-year-old.

Grant: Are you perhaps letting this disturbance continue today in order to pursue a personal campaign against privatisation in the public service?

No.

Got to hit back on that.

Right, we're off perimeter and looking for the break out.

Don't know who or how many, so take it easy, yeah? Pairs.

Robbie, wait up!

Yeah, jog on!

Yeah, Robbie. I reckon I know how you're going to die.

sh1tting a chicken torpedo.

Commissioner, privatisation of non-core operations will make your force more efficient. And if you don't embrace it, well, police stations will close under your tenure.

Police officers will lose their jobs and all because you refuse to allow your force to move into the current century.

And I think it's time you stepped up or stepped down.

I'm sorry, do you want me to respond?

I didn't think there was a question there.

(SCOFFS)

Funny?

No.

(DOG BARKING)

f*ck!

(GRUNTING)

Robbie: Matt... Matt, hel... Matt, help me!

(SCREAMING)

Boom! Sit down.

(GROANS)

On the floor. Hands out. There we go, sunshine.

I f*cking have you.

(GRUNTING)

(COUGHING) Thanks for helping me!

Move the f*cking camera!

Jesus Christ.

Very well handled. Couple of issues.

He shafted me with a scaffold pole.

Just have a few deep breaths, Commissioner.

Shut up, you f*cking yoghurt.

Nothing personal, Richard. It's just the agenda. No offence.

Well, it's fine, Grant. None taken.

It's just a situation. It will pass. Relax.

Relax? Here's what I want done.

I want Grant Delgado stripped jack naked, and I want his bollocks nailed to the wall, and I want to see him spin by them like a Catherine Wheel.

No.

I should have been prepared for that.

I tried to prepare you.

Not enough.

There's a couple of kids who need medical attention at the Institution, sir.

Sharon wanted to let you know we're going in.

No, if you go in now it looks like you're caving to Grant.

Yeah? So we let the kids bleed out for the big win?

I'm just telling you how it will play.

Thank you.

We're going in.

I was filming, mate. Doing my job.

It was two against one. We could have had him.

I'm not a cop though. It was one against one, and one other one.

First rule of Fight Club. If there's a fight, you're in the Fight Club.

So start punching someone, you f*cking bitch.

Rob, David Attenborough wouldn't stop filming to help an antelope getting mashed up by a lion, would he?

But he wasn't a lion. I'm the lion.

And I was doing my job.

A proper job.

What?

This is a proper job.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, course it is. What, media w*nk*r, is it?

Don't worry about us. We're just the meat you throw in the machine, we're the ones who get chewed up.

"Oh, look, there's a gap in the wall, there's sh*t pouring through.

"Don't worry, we'll just stuff some f*cking cop in there."

If I get my spare battery, could you say that again?

All right.

Tornado have requested assistance. Joint operation.

Come on, guys!

Full kit, long shields.

Brass are sending us in.

Well, I guess this is it, Rob.

You're bound to cark it, Sod's law.

Hope you don't mind if Clarkey isn't a coffin-bearer.

Yeah, dicky back.

Plus, I never liked you.

(ALL CHUCKLE)

Finn, Richard got side swiped.

He got f*cked by a big, boring ninja.

Finn: Yeah, uh-huh.

Listen, the line to take on Grant Delgado is that he's anti-cop.

That he's lost it. That he's a bottom feeder.

(MOBILE BUZZING)

Hold on a second.

Hello?

Warwick: Yeah, hello, Miss Garvey?

Yeah. Who is this?

Yeah, just want to let you know it's been a great day.

Thanks for putting the sh**ting out there.

And I've got a bounty on me head now, so that's exciting, isn't it?

Yeah, if I go down, well, you've got blood on your hands, haven't you?

So, yeah, have a good one. All right? Cheerio.

Right you are. We're on it.

So, we've got an injured horse in Dulwich Park.

Vet's stuck in the South Circular.

Yeah, we're going James Herriot death squad.

Springwatch 2, The Reckoning.

(HAND DRYER WHIRRING)

Yeah, yeah. I know, I know.

I honestly didn't think she'd come.

Will you just say sorry to them for me?

No, she's fine. She's nice.

(CHUCKLES) Stop laughing. I like her, I do.

I'll just tell her that Gina's birthday's cancelled.

I'll have a lunch with her or something.

We'll have an Evian and talk about 360 degree communication.

Yeah. All right, then.

Reporting restrictions are in place regarding the ongoing operation here at the Craven Wood Youth Offenders Institute.

What's going on, Finn?

Where are my pictures? We're going in, yeah?

Yes.

Yes.

So, I want to see our guys doing their stuff.

I need the world to see us saving the day from these Securamax pillow-f*ckers.

Yeah? Let a news crew film the preparation for a live operation?

I really need it, Finn. Help me out on this one, yeah?

What, so inside they can get the garrottes ready?

I think that they know we're coming, so...

This is operationally sensitive, Liz.

My, what big words you use.

I want those pictures.

No, I'm on the ground. I'm making a call.

Yeah, and I am the boss, and this day has been f*cked, and I want my going-home present.

And so does Richard, so f*cking deliver. Good night.

Reporter: With reports of serious injuries inside, it looks like the authorities are saying enough is enough.

From the north, Team Tornado are coming in and behind me here you can see the Police Territorial Support Group.

And behind me here you can see the Police Territorial Support Group gearing up for an intervention.

(INDISTINCT YELLING)

f*cking baton bullshit.

This time tomorrow, I'll be b*ll*ts all the way.

No tomorrow for you, mate.

They're gonna shave you and shag you to death.

Okay, visors down. Keep it tight. Work as a team.

In we go.

Police sources are telling us that because of their tactics and their expertise, they don't really think many of the inmates are going to put up much of a fight, if any at all.

(DOOR BANGING)

(YELLING)

Come on!

Come on, then!

Inmate: Come on!

Policeman: Here we go!

(YELLING)

Reporter: Reports of friction over the timing of this operation between the police and the Home Office have been described as "way off the mark".

Meanwhile, I am assured that the v*olence now has been subdued, and what's happening right now is being described as "mopping up the last trouble-makers".

(INDISTINCT YELLING)

Policeman: Forward!

Forward!

(GRUNTING)

Robbie: Oh, f*ck!

Clarkey: Man down! Rob's going down!

Lewis: You all right, Robbie? You all right?

Robbie: Yeah! Course.

Policeman: Get back! Get back!

Stay down.

Reporter: Police sources have assured me that the operation has been swift and effective.

As order is restored here at the facility, a growing number of critics are already saying that today's events call into question any future plans for more private prisons and crucially, more private policing.

f*ck yes!

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

(CAR DOOR BEEPS)

Let's take the trigger to trigger.

Tesco's! Incoming delivery!

I hope it doesn't give me the long face.

Look, are we doing this? Yea or neigh?

No need to sh**t the stable door after the horse has been bolted.

Hmm, nah, no.

I can see what you're going for, and fair dos, but no.

So, Warwick. Are you all right to slot the gee-gee?

Tony don't fancy it.

Yeah.

Banjo: Probably one of his exes.

Got to know her on a dark night on the Highlands over a can of Tennent's Super and a deep-fried ketamine.

(HORSE NEIGHING)

Yeah, all right. Sure.

This should do it.

A f*cking horse, though?

A horse is a thing, mate. That's the problem, sh**ting things.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Good man. How did it feel?

Yeah. Just...

Nothing.

Exactly.

Precisely.

Well, I guess this is farewell then, dickheads.

We're so happy you're pissing off we got you a "Thank God you're pissing off" present.

Yeah?

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, I love it.

(CHUCKLES)

Come here. Cheers.

Good luck, mate.

Good luck, fanny-face.

Cheers, mate.

Coward: Yeah, very nice.

Can't wait to see you down training. Me and you.

Filming you with your Glock in your hand?

Is that right?

Don't say anything. Have a think.

Oh, I've had a think and I'm thinking, f*ck you!

See you later, Mr Bystander!

(g*n CLICKING)

Nobbo!

Come on, you f*gg*t!

Let's get you down to the pub, hey?

I thought you were gonna leave me in there.

They'd have had you.

(LAUGHING) I know. I know.

Look, I had a word with Matt. I think we're safe.

Good.

Yeah.

But let's just give it a miss tonight, eh?

(DOOR CLOSING)

(g*n f*ring ON TV)

All right, dickhead?

You all right, knobhead?

You not seeing your sister?

No.

No, too late.

(BANGING ON DOOR)

Who's that? Did you buzz anyone in?

You didn't?

Hello? Who's that?

Man: Delivery.

Hold on, mate.

How'd you get in? Who the f*ck are you?

Who sent you?

Warwick! Warwick! It's okay, I buzzed him in.

I'm sorry. The lads said it was a surprise.

Um...

Here, take that.

Sorry, mate.

Oh, f*ck. f*cking hilarious.

So, how do we think it went today?

Tough committee hearing.

But police pulled the fat out of the fire at the riots. Good pictures.

No comeback to the deputy mayor. Nice move.

Yeah, well, we could have emptied the files, but we're not the Stasi, so...

No. We're the holy choir of St f*ck Us Please Priory.

We tell the truth. And we tell the truth and we tell the truth.

We're playing the long game.

f*cking long. When do we get the reward, in heaven?

"Here lies Richard Miller, disgraced in his lifetime, "now well respected here on Moon Base Alpha."

I don't know how long, but I know it's the only game in town.

Trust is all you have, and it leaks and it leaks and it leaks and it never comes back. And one day, if you piss it all away, you put your foot on the gas and there'll be nothing.

Doors won't open. Mouths stay shut and then the whole thing collapses.

Liz, your transparency bollocks put officers in danger today.

Finn, you lack focus.

You let your emotions override your decision-making and if you were any good you'd have my job. Richard?

I'll walk you out.

You're a fake. You took my tip on Inglis and Securamax and passed it off as your own.

Don't stay too late tonight, will you?

I am sure your wife is f*cking everyone in your sad, little village.

Thanks. She's fictional, so...

That figures.

Good night.

Good night.

(DOOR CLOSES)

The deputy mayor hurt me this afternoon, Liz.

We can't have many days like today.

You can't stop bad news, Richard. I thought we agreed on that?

Do you know what 98% right is in here?

Big f*cking story in the 2%. Huge.

We have to get it all right, all the time.

We can't relaunch, move to India.

We have to repair the engine while it's still running at full throttle.

We have to change and stay the same.

That's obviously impossible.

Oh, yeah, it's impossible. No one tell you that at the interview?

It's definitely f*cking impossible.

(RINGING TONE)

Yo, it's Granger. You know what to do.

(VOICEMAIL BEEPS)

Hi, Granger, you big dope. It's Liz.

Garvey.

I know that we haven't spoken for years, but, um, I just wanted to call to say hello.

So, hello.

And give me a call some time, maybe.

Or not.

Don't. Probably.

Okay, bye.

(REFRIGERATOR BUZZING)

(SHATTERS)

(BUZZING STOPS)