01x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Tony: Eyes on target.

He's a jumper.

Do you wanna take this?

Me?

Just talk him down, nice and easy.

You're all over this, man.

All right, mate. I'm Robbie.

Listen, do you... Do you wanna talk?

I take that as a yes then.

Life's hard, I get that.

I mean, look at me.

It's my fist day in a new job and I'm here talking to you, and you're on a ledge, so that's pretty stressful, but...

sh*t! Bloody hell!

f*ckin' hell.

(COPS LAUGHING)

sh*t. f*ck!

Welcome to Specialist Firearms Command.

That's... That's funny, that. That's proper funny.

My kind of humour.

Well dark.

Uh-oh. Boy wonder's sprung a leak.

Banjo: First day at school, pissed your pants?

Nightmare. (LAUGHS)

I understand how upsetting a Facebook comment can be, but this really isn't appropriate use of the 999 service.

Emergency, which service do you require?

This is P. O'Neill.

Police, ambulance or fire service?

An incendiary device has been placed at the Thameside Exhibition Centre.

It will detonate this afternoon. Take this warning very, very seriously.

What does the device look like?

Like a big, black ball with spikes coming out of it.

What is going to cause the device to explode?

The device will be triggered by the inherent contradictions of capitalism.

Could you be more specific?

The capitalist has to constantly modernise and automate, making the worth of the worker less, thereby eliminating the very consumers he needs to buy his products.

Read some Hegel.

"Hey, Girl". Is that a magazine?

Hegel. Not "Hey, Girl". Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel.

Uh, sorry. How do you spell that?

I am bent, but you are benter. Let's blow up the Thameside Centre.

The cleaner gets here at 9:00, so if you wouldn't mind...

Yeah, no problem. Where's the bin?

Actually, the pizza boxes don't fit in the bin, so maybe you could...

Stack it into some sort of pizza box tower and set fire to it like an urban Wicker Man?

(MOBILE CHIMING)

(SIGHS)

Who's that?

Deputy Mayor.

He wants to know if I'm up for a coffee.

Coffee's either a job offer or he wants to f*ck me.

He wants to f*ck you.

It's a job offer.

What are you going to say?

I don't know.

Richard's barely spoken to me since my ultimatum last week, and I've been thinking of mentioning it again, but "second ultimatum" doesn't sound great.

Just let him sweat.

And when he comes grovelling, tell him your last offer's timed out, you're only going to stay if he gives you a 25k bump.

I mean, now's the time to max out your market value.

Have you done coke already this morning?

Yes, I have done coke already this morning.

Just for the record, I don't want to offer you a job, but I very much want to f*ck you.

Cathy: No one from the GLA or counter-terrorism could be here today.

Sorry I'm late.

Cathy: They send their apologies.

The next item is a b*mb thr*at against the Thameside Exhibition Centre received 07:39.

Caller gave his name as P. O'Neill.

Newham have already completed a PST sweep.

No unmanned packages, nothing on CCTV.

Ringing ahead like a gentleman. How very old school.

Back to the good old days.

P. O'Neill is the old IRA codename.

Ah, that's public domain. The genuine code word's Marigold.

He's a joker who's done a 10-second Google search.

This isn't dissident republicans. "This afternoon"?

Why give us hours to defuse it?

Yeah, and why would they want to blow up the Money Expo anyway?

It's backed by the London Assembly, Mayor's fingerprints are all over it.

Evan Davis is doing a webinar on "Trading FX in the QE World".

Sounds pretty bombable.

Someone with the same script threatened the Bass Guitar Show at Olympia in May.

Ooh. b*mb the Bass. That's a song, isn't it?

Or a band?

No. I'm sorry. It's not helpful.

We closed it down. No b*mb, nothing.

We got hammered by the Mayor.

And he doesn't even play the bass.

Actually, he probably does by now. Election coming up.

Do SO15 have intelligence that an att*ck is imminent?

Premises are vulnerable? Ex-employees with a record?

No, nothing.

Well, if we don't have anything that points to a credible thr*at, our advice is not to close it.

We up the security level, send in TSG.

Throw some bodies at it.

Not the best choice of words, but you know what I mean.

"I am bent, but you are benter. Let's blow up the Thameside Centre."

I'm quoting his rhyme there. That's not my rhyme.

Next item.

Cathy: Next item on the agenda is an all-ports warning from Humberside.

We should have given Robbie the bin bag nappy.

Banjo, man, why didn't you give him the bin bag nappy?

What if I said it wasn't piss?

What if I said it was spunk? Because I f*cking got off on it.

Then I would say that was a lot of very watery spunk that came out of your very flaccid penis.

And stank of piss.

Here.

Cheers.

Banjo: Oi, better give us your camera, then.

See you guys later, yeah.

Yeah.

Good to have some, uh... Some downtime.

Tony: Yeah. We all need some downtime, man.

The Open starts soon.

And there's the tennis.

Ah, mate, the tennis'll sort you right out.

Yeah.

(DOOR UNLOCKS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

So, what, is this what you guys do, then?

Stay at home and watch the golf?

Mate, it's not just "the golf". It's The Open.

(CAR DOORS CLOSING)

So. Has Clarkey proposed yet?

Third time lucky, eh, bud?

Don't believe in fingering outside wedlock, do ya?

Piss off, Nobbo.

Yeah, I mean, it's a shame Davina's married to a big, hunky, armed cop with a massive d*ck, innit?

Well, you'd know one when you see one, 'cause you spend every night Googling "massive dicks".

Some of your early work, as it goes.

Geordie p*rn. I mean, it's not bad, as long as you don't look at Ant and Dec's faces when they're spit roasting you.

(SCOFFS)

Come on. You're not going to leave me on patrol with Nobbo, are you?

I thought you loved massive dicks.

Officer: (OVER RADIO) Unmanned package near exit 3, south side.

Keep calm, carry on.

Did he just say a poster? I think he just said a poster.

(DIALLING)

(LINE RINGING)

(OVER VOICEMAIL) Hi, this is Georgia. Please leave a message.

Georgia. Hi, sweetheart, it's me.

Listen, you might wanna give the Docklands area a miss today, okay?

Bye.

Grant: I'll cut to the chase. I'm chasing you, Liz.

I want you to come and work for me at City Hall.

It's a very kind offer, but I'm more than happy in my present role.

You're a valued member of a wonderful team that supports you completely.

Exactly.

Well, should you ever feel, and God knows I hope this never happens, that you're the paint over the cracks of a once-noble organisation that lost its soul over a boozy lunch with the tabloids and never found it again, well, there's an office at the London Assembly with your name on it.

As I said, I'm very happy.

Of course.

Also, I should probably mention that Richard is sitting on top of a volcano of sh*t.

A what?

A rupture in the Earth's crust that allows magma to escape.

Or in this case, massive quantities of hot, steaming sh*t.

Right.

The Richard Miller sh*t volcano is likely to erupt very soon.

So you might want to consider coming to City Hall, a safe harbour free of molten faeces and expl*sive jets of a**l lava.

Worth thinking about.

As I said, I'm very happy. Thanks for the coffee.

Bombers don't usually label their bombs, do they?

Only in Road Runner cartoons.

Clarkey: Bet you a million quid it's not a b*mb.

Yeah, but if it is and it goes off, we're going to look like right dickheads.

It's not some sort of designer label, is it?

What? Yves Saint Le b*mb? Wouldn't have f*cking thought so.

Although maybe.

If we're going to cordon, we should cordon now, then call in b*mb disposal.

They won't be here for half an hour.

Yeah, and they'll definitely get the robot out.

Oh, yeah. Any excuse to get the f*cking robot out.

We don't need the b*mb boys to get our todgers out of our trousers for us.

Clarkey?

Clarkey, what're you do... What're you doing?

Show's over. Unless you fancy a controlled expl*si*n on some leggings?

(MOBILE RINGING)

Hi, honey bear...

(WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Uh... Okay. Right. I'm on my way.

Woman: Well, hurry up.

Um, have you, uh, talked to Dr Edmondson? Have you?

No?

Do you want me to swing by the pharmacy on my way? I could easily...

Excuse me, sir, I'm going to have to stop you here for a moment.

I'm in the middle of an important call.

I'm sorry, sir, but I have reason to believe you're carrying an item which is not paid for.

I'll call you back.

Ah, welcome back.

Uh, you haven't missed much, apart from everyone wanting to talk to you and no one knowing where you are.

Hi, uh, yeah, call off the dogs and choppers, we've found her and she's alive.

Liz, the Commissioner's waiting for you.

Oh, don't worry. We've all been on the receiving end of a Miller bollocking.

Usually he's thoughtful enough to hit you where the bruises don't show.

I'm fine meeting in your office.

I'm happy to come to you.

Look, I know this job isn't exactly what you hoped it would be, Liz.

If you feel like you've uprooted your whole life for nothing, then I apologise.

I don't know if I feel...

I know you've felt undermined by Finn. By Charlie. By me.

And that's not okay.

You should feel free to run your department with complete independence.

Thank you. I know.

So...

I've decided to give my full backing to your police-run news network, and to ask Finn for his resignation.

Oh, my God, that's amazing. I mean... What I mean is...

That is the correct outcome for the good of the department.

I know I look like a police officer. But I'm a fire-fighter.

That's all I do, I put out fires.

But very occasionally, the smoke clears and I have ideas.

The best idea I've ever had? I'm looking at her.

Well, thank you.

I don't have time to think.

To make the changes that need to be made.

You do. My job is to turn your thoughts into reality.

Kind of like Father Christmas, but with firearms training, right?

Exactly.

A lethal Father Christmas.

Congratulations, Liz.

(MOBILE RINGING)

I should take this.

Hello.

Right.

Well, thanks for letting me know.

You do realise that if you'd blown both your legs off, I'd have definitely dumped you.

(CHUCKLES)

Do you know what? We should just bite the b*llet.

Make a go of it.

Bite the b*llet, that's romantic.

You know what I mean. Just do it. Move in together.

We both want to. Don't we?

What about your kids?

My kids'll always be my kids.

But maybe they'd like to have a dad who isn't miserable all the time.

If something comes up, I'll talk to Banjo, okay?

I'll talk to him.

Clarkey: Hmm.

Warwick just needs some time off. He needs to get his head together.

I know, but for some reason I don't think that Rory Mcllroy's sand wedge is going to be the miracle cure.

Here you go, boys.

Cheers, mate.

Cheers, mate.

(MOBILE CHIMES)

So, uh, Hopwood said there might be an opening in the Black Arrows, you in?

Yeah, I'm thinking about it.

Go for it, mate.

Black Arrows, that's serious sh*t.

Black Arrows?

Don't worry about it, mate.

Yeah, one step at a time there, Dorothy.

No, no, no, go on. Go on.

It's the police archer squadron.

Advanced bow technology. Crossbows, multi-heads, poisoned tips.

Only train at night. On rooftops.

They're for special assignments, like security for the Queen.

Oh, yeah. And taking out deadly t*rror1st dummies from tower blocks?

Oh, it's not like that, wee man.

That was a wind-up.

This is the real deal.

It's inner circle elite sh*t.

So do you reckon I should apply, then?

Dispatch: (OVER RADIO) Trojan 131, can you make your way to Thameside Exhibition Centre to provide armed support for security operation?

Right you are. We're on it.

Ooh, no more baby seat for you.

You're in the hot seat now. On book.

Yeah, but what about the satnav?

You're the satnav now, matey-boy.

See if you can plot a route from your arse to your elbow.

(ENGINE STARTING)

(SIRENS WAILING)

You still coming to our work's do tonight?

Sandy: Why, don't you want me to?

No, just wondered if you fancied, um, going for dinner after?

Just the two of us.

I thought we were going out with everyone.

Yeah, I just thought it would be nice if it was just, um...

You know, me and you. So we could talk.

But you never want to talk. What do you want to talk about?

Nothing.

Bullshit. What is it?

You're being really weird.

Look, can we talk about this later?

Are you having an affair?

f*cking hell. What did you say that for? 'Course not.

I was joking. You are, aren't ya? Oh, God, I knew it.

Look, Sandy, can we talk about this later?

You want to admit it later?

You haven't got time to admit it now? Are you really having an affair?

No it's... I'm at work, there's a b*mb scare...

Not a b*mb scare. A thr*at.

With a low credibility rating.

Finn: I'll call you back.

Have you heard any rumours about Richard around the water cooler?

Well, no.

Because, as you probably know, we've had a lot of problems with our water cooler.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Finn: So...

Must have been pretty important for Miller to make a trip below stairs.

You could say that.

What did he want? Tip for a good ramen noodle place?

The name of your dealer? Bit of a hug?

If you're trying to make me sweat, it won't work.

I've had my armpit tubes cut, so I literally never perspire.

The Commissioner has decided to back Metwork.

As of right now, it's a go project.

Oh, my God, Liz, that's brilliant.

I mean, it'll be more work. It'll be a lot more work.

But it'll be so worth it.

We need to discuss sponsorship opportunities.

I'm gonna reach out to my contacts at Google, Pinterest...

YouPorn?

Mia, if you want to get on your press contact list and let them know...

Let them know that we're not only making them redundant, we're turning them into our direct competition.

How do you think that's going to play out on the front pages, I wonder.

I don't care.

Because now we have a front page of our own.

The battle's over, the good guys have won.

Feel free to shout at the rain from under your water-soluble raincoat, but this is happening.

On the contrary. I am an able and willing servant of the department.

Mmm. Thank you.

But you might want to consider buying seed plants for your garden.

Tinkering with the typeface on your CV.

The b*mb thr*at's gone viral.

Someone tweeted from the Thameside Centre, saying they overheard an officer talking about a b*mb scare.

Oh, Jesus.

As yet, there's been no official confirmation from Scotland Yard about the credibility of the b*mb thr*at rumour which has spread online.

Be good to put out an immediate denial, but that's tricky since it's true.

We're not denying anything.

So you want to deal with this virus by letting it infect everyone?

(SCOFFS) f*ck off.

That wasn't very good banter.

(g*ns f*ring ON TV)

I was at the end of my shop when my wife rang, she's not well and I...

So you admit you left the shop without having actually paid for the item?

I was distracted. Why would I steal shampoo? I don't even have hair.

In that case, why would you pick up the shampoo in the first place?

It was for my wife. My sick wife.

No need to shout, Mr...

Deputy Commissioner. Deputy Commissioner Charles Inglis.

(MOBILE RINGING)

Hi, mate. Listen, no biggie, but, uh, have you heard anything about Richard backing Liz's insane Metwork idea?

And is there anything in the water about my position being...

I can't talk now. I'm in a meeting.

What meeting?

I thought you were off-duty. Are you with Richard?

(MOBILE BEEPS)

Hello? Hello?

sh*t.

I can't read in the car either, gives me a right headache.

Trojan 131 at the RVP. Over.

All right, guys. Bloody hell, you're hard to keep up with.

Sorry, who the f*ck are you?

Matt Coward. Rough Collar Productions.

Right. And have you got authorisation to film us?

I've got authorisation coming out of my arse.

I don't think so, mate. We never got a call.

Don't think we need a wooden leg slowing us down, so, uh...

I won't get in your way, I know what I'm doing.

I've been filming Robbie for weeks. Isn't that right, Rob?

He knows the drill. He's all right.

Sorry, mate. Not happening.

Yeah, we haven't got the full, uh, team anyways...

Yeah. The fourth man's off taking a slash...

Well, I can wait till he's back.

(STAMMERING) No. No, the thing is, he's chatting up some Expo chick.

He's got a thing for hot, rich women.

"Dough hos", he calls 'em.

He wants to wrap his old man up in a 50 and give it to 'em up the cashpoint.

So anyway, we're covering for him, so be a sweetheart and piss off, yeah?

No, I understand, and I'm really sorry to bring it to you.

Commissioner...

We've got a problem.

It's a misunderstanding. A complete f*cking misunderstanding.

Charles has been arrested at a supermarket.

They accused me of shoplifting shampoo while I was on the phone to my wife.

My sick wife.

Have you been charged?

The local force haven't contacted the CPS.

Yet.

If they do bring charges, or the arrest leaks, is there a way to deflect?

"Deputy Commissioner Charged"? You have to expect that to go wide.

Especially with the shampoo. The comedy angle.

There must be something you can do.

Well, the sick wife is...

I wouldn't call that an angle because that would be disrespectful, but is she very ill?

Not really. She's got flu.

Right.

I don't normally do the shopping.

See, that's what probably contributed to the misunderstanding.

Now, that's the way in. You're not an experienced shopper.

Jesus, no need to make him sound special needs.

I didn't mean... These things happen. We've all done it.

I haven't personally. But...

Charles: Oh, it's a Potters Bar thing.

(MOBILE RINGING)

The manager's hated me ever since I got his Audi towed away at the golf club.

Christ, Charlie, I'm being shat on from every bloody direction, and this ball of waste you've sent flying at me, what the hell is wrong with you?

I'm sorry.

Get out of here. Go home.

Go home and make some chicken f*cking soup.

On the Thameside Centre.

Online press and social media are rife with misinformation.

Obviously we can't confirm or deny a terror thr*at...

So what are you thinking?

What if you went down there? A walkabout.

The face of the force on the ground.

Unfortunately, the Commissioner's schedule's packed today.

Clear it. Liz is right.

It's my duty to show Londoners their city is safe.

Jasmine?

Oh. Thank you.

Banjo: Listen, I've, um, got a surprise.

Davina: Yeah?

Spa break. Fire and ice. Sauna, then ice shower.

Sounds sort of horrible, but it might be, uh... Might be nice.

Kettering.

Hour and a half up the M1 if the traffic's not too bad.

Wow. It sounds, um...

Sounds great.

Robbie: See, the boys, they're, uh... They're putting me in for Black Arrows.

Top secret archer squad.

Yeah?

I shouldn't even really be telling you, to be honest.

(MOBILE CHIMES)

Oh, look, here it is. Nice. I'm tooling up.

Titanium bow on auction.

Bloody hell. 700 squid.

f*ck it.

Why not, eh?

Black Arrows?

You sure it's not the old left-handed screwdriver?

Striped paint?

No way, mate.

This... This is the total real deal inner circle sh*t.

Hmm.

I'm just gonna liaise with your close protection team, Commissioner.

So I've made some amendments to the Metwork press release, if you want we can just...

Liz.

Tomorrow morning, there's going to be a story in the national press about me.

About a relationship.

Right?

An affair.

Right.

Is it true?

Yes. It is.

It was.

They have long range photos of me... Of us.

Going into a hotel.

Right.

Photos. Okay.

And, um, an interview with the other party?

God, no.

She's as horrified as I am, I imagine.

It's over.

Who is she?

Physio.

From police occupational health.

Amy.

Did you ever meet with her, so to speak, at Scotland Yard?

Yes, we did meet in the physiotherapy room.

How often?

Do you want a breakdown of all positions attempted and achieved?

I just need to know what battles we can and cannot win.

Anything true is gonna come out, anything untrue I have to squash.

Does your wife know about...

No.

It's important that...

I just want to keep her away from all this.

Right.

Is there any chance at all that you can k*ll this?

I'll do what I can.

It's great to have someone I can trust.

I'm sorry for involving you. It's not...

It's my job.

Is there anything else I should know about?

Is that it?

Yes. That's it.

Man: We're ready for you, Commissioner.

Commissioner!

Commissioner!

Commissioner, how do you defend your decision not to advise closure of the Thameside Centre despite a b*mb thr*at?

The Commissioner is here to lend his support to the officers who are working hard to assist the staff and attendees of the Money Expo, which by all accounts is going brilliantly.

Thank you.

Male reporter: Commissioner, just a word please.

Commissioner.

Commissioner.

Woman: (OVER PA) Would the owner of the grey Vauxhall Astra please remove their car immediately from the motorway?

That's the owner of the grey Vauxhall Astra...

Reporter: Commissioner Richard Miller's attempt to provide reassurance here at the Thameside Centre backfired dramatically half an hour ago when a suspicious package was identified by security staff.

Now, a b*mb disposal team has arrived and the Money Expo has been partially evacuated as police try and contain a rapidly escalating crisis.

(LINE RINGING)

Hello, Caroline Carey.

Hi, Caroline. It's Liz Garvey.

Hi, Liz. I don't think we've spoken.

So, I've spoken with Richard, and I want to discuss possible alternatives to your story.

Alternatives?

We have some exciting news about the success of our community outreach policies which I would be happy to offer you as an exclusive.

Well, it sounds exciting.

Maybe I could combine it with a centre spread on a Scout Jamboree.

I am offering you a way out.

Unless you are completely at ease destroying the best police commissioner this city has ever seen.

Blood on your hands, Caroline. Is that a look you're comfortable with?

Oh, I think I'll be able to pull it off.

I'm aware the British press specialises in rubbing filth in everyone's faces, but you have an oppor...

Or, as we like to call it, investigative journalism.

Look, Liz, the Police Commissioner is a public servant.

He had an affair with a police colleague on police property.

I think the public has a right to know.

Listen, Caroline, there's another story. A big one.

Yes?

I would need to get clearance on this.

But it involves illegal activity at very senior levels of the police.

Excuse me, what's going on?

Well, the event halls and the boulevard serving food and drink are still open.

This area's now closed.

Why didn't you close it hours ago when you knew there was gonna be a b*mb?

(SCOFFS) This is all going on Facebook.

Yeah, well, if you lose all five of your friends, don't blame me.

Wheelbarrow's loaded with two pig sticks, rolling towards the target now, sir.

Let me know when you're there. We'll initiate the task.

All good?

Yes, sir.

Come on, quick piece to camera, yeah?

Dunno, mate. You heard what the boys said.

Yeah, I notice the mystery man still hasn't made an appearance.

Name's Warwick, yeah?

Uh...

What's the deal with the fourth musketeer, anyway?

Dunno.

Hey.

Have you been filming the Commissioner?

No.

You do realise you're inside a police cordon in a restricted area?

Do you have authorisation to be sh**ting at a possible crime scene?

'Course. Totally.

I'm mates with Robbie. You probably know each other from cop club, yeah?

All right.

Yeah, this authorisation's expired.

Look, I'm authorised, so...

I want everything.

Tapes, discs, memory cards. The whole lot.

Right.

Hey. Liz Garvey, Head of Communications.

I need you to confiscate that man's camera and any tapes.

Okay.

Thanks.

Hand over the camera, please, sir.

There you go, take it. No problem.

Is your radio off?

I said all radios off, or you'll interfere with the comms.

What, like with a phone on a plane? It's bollocks, innit?

What? It's off. It was already off.

(FEEDBACK)

Yeah, I'll turn it off now.

(BEEPS)

Talbot: Right. Proceed towards the target.

(MOBILE RINGING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

There's someone in there. Sir, there's someone in there.

Hey! Excuse me.

The w*apon's pointing straight at her. Get the w*apon away from her.

Excuse me!

Ooh, it's in a spin, look. It's in a spin.

Yeah, I can see it's in a spin. You need to pull it out of the spin.

Stay back. Stay back.

What's that?

It's a robot.

Why is it here?

It's just a spinning robot. Come on.

(MOBILE RINGING)

Everything all right?

Uh, yes, sir.

Good. Good work, everyone.

We all thought you'd f*cked it, but you pulled it back, so, uh, nice one.

Talbot: Okay, initiate the task.

Nobbo: Oh, that's a proper Hollywood b*mb, innit?

(CLICKS)

(EXPLODES)

Man: Stop.

Talbot: Mmm, it was a hoax.

No batteries or circuitry inside. Mainly food. Carrots.

You guys did an amazing job.

Commissioner, I...

And you are?

Liz Garvey, Head of Communications.

Oh, yeah, do you do the Twitter Q&A? I love that.

Commissioner, I need to speak with you.

Of course. Thank you.

So, I've spoken with Caroline.

I've suggested a deal.

What?

But I had to offer something up, so...

What?

Inglis.

Inglis?

"Deputy Commissioner Shoplifts Shampoo" is a great headline.

And by great, I mean it...

We hang Charlie out to dry to save my skin?

Jesus Christ.

This is the same Charlie who was interviewing for private security jobs behind your back.

Our choices are between bad and terrible.

Do you think it's enough for her to spike the story?

No. Her editor's heard about Metwork and wants us to drop it, Richard.

And she wants first position on every exclusive.

So the grubby hotline all over again.

Okay. Fine.

Plus she wants me to make her a Thai curry and give her a lap dance, are you fine with that, too?

If this story runs, I'm finished.

I know that. You don't think I know that?

But no journalist ever spikes a story like this.

We can give Caroline all the goodies we want, it may slow her down for a week or a month or a year.

But sooner or later, she's going to run us over.

Jesus Christ.

(PEOPLE CLAMOURING)

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

(SIRENS WAILING)

Reports are coming through of an expl*si*n at the Thameside Centre.

There are believed to be casualties.

We'll bring you more details as soon as we have them.

According to eyewitnesses, the Police Commissioner, Richard Miller, left the scene shortly after the incident.

There's one female injured, who's inside. Davina's outside. She's good.

Thank God for that.

Right, suspect spotted near the ICC Auditorium.

Bulky holdall, acting suspiciously.

Assumption of a Type 66 thr*at.

Critical sh*ts authorised.

(g*n COCKING)

Hi, Charlie, call me back.

Tectonic plates are shifting. Possible tsunami incoming.

Now might be a good time to launch whatever nuclear w*apon you keep locked in your bottom drawer for special occasions.

Finn, have you heard?

Is it me?

What?

Am I gone?

There's been an expl*si*n.

Okay. Right. Good.

What?

A controlled expl*si*n?

Yes. And another very uncontrolled expl*si*n.

sh*t. No fatalities, thank God.

Where's the Commissioner?

Well, he's down there with Liz.

What?

Well, they took his car together, without Tom Oliver. I... I thought you knew.

Jesus Christ!

Well, I take it you want me to deal with the t*rror1st incident?

(MOBILE CHIMING)

Armed police! Move out the way!

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Tony: Stop! Armed police! Stop!

Stop running!

Stop or we'll sh**t!

Tony: Stop!

Banjo: Stay where you are.

Tony: Stop. Stop.

Banjo: f*cking stop.

Stop! Armed police!

Tony: Armed police!

Banjo: Stop! Armed police!

Stop! Armed police! Stop! Armed police!

(SPEAKING URDU)

Put the bag down or we'll sh**t.

Don't move!

What the f*ck's he saying?

Don't move!

Saamir. Saamir.

All right then, Saamir, I'm gonna have to check your bag, all right?

Okay.

Put the bag down now. Slowly. Open it.

Open the bag.

I work here. I have...

I've got receipt.

All right. Well, you keep that safe, mate, yeah?

Number 10 have called for a Platinum Command COBRA meeting.

(RINGING)

Which hospital has the victim been taken to? I should go there.

No, I think it's too soon for that.

(MOBILE RINGING)

Home Secretary.

Miller's called me back in. What the hell is going on?

Maybe she's slipped something in his green tea, or up his Jap's eye when she was riding him.

Jesus. I'm so far out of the loop, a b*mb went off earlier and I heard about it on the f*cking news.

For all I know, London could be at w*r with Bristol.

If we're gonna do this, I need to tell Charlie face to face.

My office, half an hour.

The husband of the victim has been on Twitter personally criticising Richard.

Oh, Jesus.

He hasn't gone to the press yet, but...

How much integrity would you say Caroline Carey has?

The journalist?

Well, I hear she left her husband halfway through his chemo, but apart from that she's totally trustworthy.

Um, SO15 have confirmed the device was a pipe b*mb, likely set by a crank.

Great detective work there.

I think we could all assume that bombers tend to be a little cranky.

(MOBILE CHIMES)

I know what's going on here.

What?

Today's the day you settle all family business.

Is that from The Godfather?

Me and Inglis. The big beasts. The old school. You wanna take us down.

But if you think you're going to have a bloodless coup, let me tell you, it's going to be very, very bloody.

Finn, you don't have a f*cking clue what you're talking about.

Think you're good enough to fill my size 10s?

You're nowhere near good enough.

I'll wear thick socks.

It's 5:30, why don't you go home and enjoy your bitter lemon in comfort and privacy?

What the hell did you think you were doing, dropping Miller into a crocodile pond wearing a pair of meat trousers?

The Thameside Centre was safe. The intelligence was it was safe.

Yeah, sure it was safe. Apart from the b*mb that exploded.

Listen. I don't do this for fun. I'm the last line of defence.

The f*cking Night's Watch.

Every day, the public sector gets chipped away, and every time we screw up, the vultures circle a little bit closer.

Maybe you should spend a little less energy on your pet projects and a bit more making sure your capo doesn't take a sh*t to the head.

That is exactly what I am doing.

And Richard Miller seems more than happy with my ability to handle it.

Why do you think Miller gave you the keys to the kingdom?

Because of your unsurpassed brilliance? Your... Your shimmering good looks?

Or because he doesn't want you to cross the bridge to City Hall, leaving him looking like a dangler at a glory hole for hiring you in the first place?

Are you spying on me?

I'm spying on everyone. It's my job.

The big filing cabinets on the fourth floor.

You might wanna know where the bodies are buried.

Good luck.

(MOBILE CHIMES)

See, I got a few Indian mates 'round my way, so I picked up a bit of this and that...

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

So when I spotted the shoelace hanging out the bag, I thought, well, unless he's gone full shoe b*mb, it's the wrong guy.

Yeah, yeah. You were saying. Yeah.

Again.

Yeah.

(SIGHS)

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

So, how you feeling, man?

Uh, yeah.

I reckon you look a lot better, actually. Don't you think he looks better?

Yeah. Totally. He looks great.

It turns out Robbie the boy wonder was a bit of a superhero today.

Oh, yeah?

Group effort, I'm nothing without my boys, right?

Yeah, you did all right. For a virgin.

Yeah, don't worry about the piss this morning.

We all pissed ourselves first day.

Except Warwick. He shat himself.

Yeah, 'course I did.

Here, maybe if the Black Arrows won't take you, you could always join the Yellow Trousers, eh?

(MOBILE CHIMES)

Ah, f*ck. sh*t.

(CHUCKLES)

Give me five minutes.

What? What's going on?

Charles: Look, if this is about the bombing... Because if Richard...

Caroline emailed. She's going to run with another story.

Another story?

That you warned your wife's sister not to go near the Thameside Centre.

Right.

Right.

So, your sister-in-law gave the message to a friend, who posted it on Facebook, "from a contact at the top of the police".

Is your sister-in-law's name Georgia?

Uh-huh.

Right. Well, they are digging now and, what...

Are you having an affair with her as well?

No.

Not as well.

Amy, the physio... That's over.

But the affair with your wife's sister is on-going?

You need to tell me. Because this is all coming out.

I have been trying to end it, but...

But what? You wanted to give her the romantic farewell present of not getting blown up?

Would it have been me next?

Are there any women in your life who you don't try to f*ck?

Does my wife know?

I don't know.

Don't let them speak to her.

I need to speak to her.

They're not door-stepping my house? We should check on that.

(SCOFFS) Christ.

How could you be so...

Stupid.

Reckless. But stupid probably covers it.

I really thought we were doing something here.

I need to go home.

Yes.

Yes, you do.

Thank you, Liz.

You don't have anything to thank me for.

Yes, I do.

Thank you.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

I need to know what's going on here. Am I being given my marching orders?

Is it Securamax?

Because I can assure you, I've severed all ties with them.

No.

No. It's the supermarket.

I just wanted to say, don't worry about it. We'll handle it.

I'm not going to let one of my oldest friends swing over shampoo.

(LIZ SCOFFS)

(DOOR OPENS)

Liz, I hope it's not inappropriate, but I wondered if you had any plans tonight?

There's a Quaker meeting I go to, and I thought you might like to join?

It's a very peaceful experience.

You basically just sit in silence, but...

Tom.

That sounds so great, but I have this...

A thing.

Right. Sure.

No problem.

Matt: See?

Robbie: Mmm.

It was funny.

Yes. Yes.

Miles. What a nice surprise.

All right?

In a bit.

Why were you at the Thameside Centre today, when you should have been filming the Wildlife Crime Unit?

Mate, you really think filming egg thieves is better than being live on the scene of a t*rror1st att*ck?

Wildlife Crime, that's Springwatch meets Prime Suspect.

Ratings off the scale.

I'm just trying to film the good sh*t, you know?

Something with a bit of edge.

For you or for me?

For humanity.

Right, hey! That's a...

Computer, belonging to Rough Collar Productions, containing footage sh*t by an employee of Rough Collar Productions.

You've got tomorrow to clear your stuff out.

Try nicking anything else, I'll call the cops.

And not the Wildlife Crime Squad, the f*cking death squad.

Banjo: Yeah, well, you know, you saved that woman's life today.

I'm proud of you, you know?

Thanks.

Look, um, I just want to say that I think you should cancel the spa break.

Yeah?

Okay. We can go somewhere else. Center Parcs?

I don't want to go to Center Parcs. I just want to go home.

To talk.

(MOBILE RINGING)

Hello, Caroline?

Caroline: Police Commissioner. This is a courtesy call...

(INDISTINCT)

No comment.

Woman: (ON TV) It is these islands that make up the Sunderbans Tiger Reserve.

Hiding behind dense clumps of undergrowth are one of the largest...

I have to go back to the office for a few hours.

Don't be too late.

However, what sets these tigers apart...

No, I won't.

... is their inclination for attacking and k*lling humans.

(g*nshots ON TV)

(MOBILE VIBRATING)

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)