Hi! I'm Bryce Shivers.
And I'm Lisa Eversman.
Do you want your living room to look like this?
Yes.
Invest in a dead animal.
Dead Pets.
Dead Pets.
Both: Dead Pets!
At our store, Dead Pets, we have something for the taxidermy lover of all ages.
Hey, Lisa. Where's the towels?
What?
The hand towels.
Oh, my gosh.
I used one of the rabbits.
I'm really sorry about the loss of your bird.
You should consider using taxidermy.
[Bell dings]
So the transition from dead animal to dead pet is really all about stuffing.
Stuff, stuff, stuff. Seal it up.
It's very much like sewing.
And I've sewn my finger into the...
You have?
...skull. Yeah.
[Glass shatters, cat yowls]
I'm so sorry about your finger.
Oh, there we go. It's fine.
Oh. Okay, great.
Dead Pets!
Not sleeping. Not fake.
Just dead.
They're dead.
Dead Pets!
[Tribal singing]
[Crickets chirping]
[Glass shatters]
[Bell chimes]
[Suspenseful music]
[Birds cawing and chirping]
♪ ♪
[Bell chimes]
[Fire crackling]
We are live at the scene of a devastating fire.
To my left, the remains of the local taxidermy shop Dead Pets.
Firefighters worked through the night, but they were unable to save the establishment.
I had just finished stuffing a-- a beagle that was hit by a car, and now he's just roaming the streets.
All of our merchandise is gone.
All the animals are missing.
Police suspect that arson is the cause of this blaze, but they don't have any leads yet, so the question now becomes, whodunnit?
Who done the crime?
Dat we don't know. Dat we would like to know.
Now back to you.
We have no evidence. We have no leads.
What we do know is that the public wants answers now.
So let's round up the weirdos.
[Voices whispering]
Weirdos, weirdos, weirdos.
I'm sure one of 'em did this for some weird-ass reason.
To help us learn what a weirdo is, Special Agent Janice Weitz.
[Applause]
What is a weirdo?
[Voice whispering]
Weirdo.
Is it somebody that studies really hard and has no friends?
That is a dork.
[Voice whispering]
Dork.
A weirdo has long black, stringy hair.
We're talking about korn with a backwards K.
Black eyeliner. Black nail polish.
Why the black nail polish?
Black nail polish is an indicator of antisocial behavior.
And why'd you get interested in this?
Why you?
I grew up with a father as a weirdo.
He wore a cat in the hat hat for almost every family photo up until the age of five for me, and though he transitioned out of weirdohood, I felt that I should go forth and kind of teach people--
[Voice whispering]
Weirdo.
Dude, are you whispering something?
He's been whispering the whole time.
Sorry, I'm not able to hear that up here.
We're trying to listen, so the more you whisper, the more we can hear you.
Okay, let's get out there.
Let's round up those weirdos.
Steve, why don't you show us that composite sketch you drew up there?
[Voice whispering]
Weirdos.
Okay, ladies.
Your alarm system is fully installed.
Oh, I feel safer already. Thank you.
I mean, knowing those weirdos, they probably want to burn books.
Well, it's really simple.
All you got to do is enter your code, and then you have 60 seconds to get out of the premises.
Otherwise, the alarm will go off, and you'll hear this.
[Alarm blaring]
Turn that off!
What is that sound?
Just enter your code...
What?
...to stop it.
Otherwise, the police will be notified.
Isn't there a way that we can record our own alarm sound?
Yeah, can you press record?
And I'll do, "The police have been called, so move and run and get out of here!
I'm sure that your economic situation is different than ours, but still.
That doesn't give you an excuse!"
I don't think this has the ability to record.
My body, my voice, my alarm, my choice.
Okay.
Look.
I was just reading about this online.
"Weirdos Rounded-Up." Wow.
They got them, I guess. You know, that's scary.
I heard the taxidermy shop wasn't making money, so they b*rned it down to get insurance money.
Their own people did?
Yeah.
No, but they have a love for what they do.
Why would they burn down their own art?
I'm sure--
They take the taxidermists' animals, and they have a satanic voodoo thing going up in the West Hills right now.
They're putting them in cages and posing them and charging admission for people to come see them.
How do you know all this?
I just know a guy up on the Hill.
It's Portland.
Huh.
Weirdos.
Weirdos.
[Voice whispering]
Weirdos.
Times are changing, and, you know, I don't know what we're gonna do about the next thing, because we're gonna be right there with them.
And I'm not, you know, looking forward to that.
Okay. Well, I will have a cappuccino.
Okay.
And cancel her cappuccino and give us two americanos.
You got it.
Thanks.
[Voice whispering]
Weirdos.
So what were you doing on the night of August 12th?
We were making a sculpture at school with old baby dolls.
[Voice whispering]
Weirdos.
I was at game stop getting the new remasteredHalo.
I went to a Nine Inch Nails cover band show, Aggression.
And again, what were you doing on the night of August 12th?
[Voice whispering]
Weirdos.
Anything?
What were you doing on the 12th of August?
It's not about me.
It's about you.
August?
12th.
By what calendar?
The modern calendar.
The whole month?
I mean, that's a long time.
We're just worried about the 12th.
What were you doing on the 12th of August?
[Meows]
The prime suspects await trial in the latest twist in the taxidermy fire.
Neighbors living in the St. Johns neighborhood weighed in.
We're shocked.
We can't believe that these people would do something like that.
Unbelievable.
Like, what?
Good morning, Portland.
We begin this morning with the latest on the taxidermy fire.
What possessed two weirdos to burn down a local taxidermy shop?
As the trial approaches, we turn now to a former weirdo so we can look into the mind of the weirdo.
Chad, you say you were a weirdo for five years.
That's correct.
As a weirdo, were you first-generation weirdo, or did weirdoness run in your family?
Most weirdos are first-generation.
It's a rejection of the normals they come from.
Did you find that women were attracted to weirdos?
Weirdo women were attracted, uh, to weirdos.
All right, well, welcome back to the normal world.
Thank you.
You're very normal.
We appreciate you.
Oh, thanks.
Thank you very much. It was great.
I mean, they're guilty, right?
Right? We're in agreement?
Aside from look at them, I mean, just look at their actions.
I mean, that's a real crime.
Yeah.
These are people that are eating very unhealthy food.
Yeah. Mashed potatoes with sugar.
You know, they're listening to scary music and checking out, you know, dark pathways on the internet, and then they're committing crimes.
Yeah. No, these weirdos are just-- you know, these are-- these are mountain people.
One thing they're guilty of is having terrible parents.
These parents are taxed, and they're working three or four jobs, sometimes at night, and these kids are left to their own devices.
They would have a better sh*t being raised by woes.
'Cause at least they'd have a sense of family.
And what would you do if you were in that situa--
If I had parents like that, would I burn down a-- a store?
You better believe it.
I'd burn down the whole block.
I'd like to submit some evidence in the case.
This is Brit, our daughter.
Beautiful.
That is a case for good parenting.
And that's someone who's gonna be, I mean, con-- contributing to society.
She's looking into doing Teach for America in Atlanta next year.
Maybe some modeling too, just to--
Or modeling on the side, but-- we raised her with hopes and with dreams, and we said, "The world is your oyster," and she's just grabbing it by the horns.
We got lucky. We have a very good daughter.
This is a good person.
I'm just glad that we raised Brit right.
Ugh!
I wonder what Satan's parents were like.
[Chuckles]
One question.
Mr. Hirschfield.
What do you have to say about the undeniable evidence against your client?
No comment.
My sources tell me that you're a former weirdo, sir.
Do you care to comment?
[Growls and barks]
No comment.
Sir!
[All talking at once]
[Gavel banging]
Okay, we'll start with the opening statement of the prosecution.
Look around the room.
If central casting provided us with two weirdos, it would be those two.
We don't have to prove they're weird; they've done it for us, so obviously they're guilty.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Okay.
Short and sweet.
Let's hear from the defense.
The weirdo has always been an outcast, an outsider, a social pariah, and a scapegoat.
[Loudly] Being weird [Softly] is not a crime.
Oo-ahh! Oo-ahh!
Am I arrested?
No.
Weirdos are what made this country S-T-R-O-N-G.
"Weirdoes," E-I, E-I.
E-I-E-I-O.
Come on.
Benjamin Franklin was a weirdo.
Do normal people fly kites with keys attached?
No. Weirdos do.
Weirdos were the first people to eat kale, the first people to try marijuana, to write poems, to fall in love.
I plan to prove the innocence of these two by proving their guilt.
[Voice whispering]
Weirdos.
Yes, they are weirdos!
But weirdos should be allowed to be weird in peace.
The real perpetrator of this crime--
Check, check, one, two, two, two, two.
[Feedback squeals]
How's everybody doing today?
We want to confess to this crime.
The weirdos didn't do it. We did it!
It's-- it's a confession from someone else.
From different weirdos?
Is it different weirdos who are confessing?
Uh--
[Gavel banging]
[Feedback squeals]
[Lively rock music playing]
♪ ♪
All: ♪ we took those animals from you ♪
♪ now they can rest in peace ♪
♪ we're fighting for the rights of deer heads ♪
♪ and that's our press release ♪
♪ but give us credit, not the blame ♪
♪ police don't respect our actions ♪
♪ weirdos didn't start the game ♪
♪ but we are guilt-guilt-guilty ♪
♪ we did it! we did it! ♪
I'm standing at the corner of Southwest 4th and Salmon, where we have masked musicians on the rooftop singing a confession.
They are singing, "We did it, we did it," referring to the taxidermy fire.
They say they are responsible...
It's vindication for the weirdos.
It wasn't the weirdos.
It appears this message is political in nature.
They don't like taxidermy.
They feel it is offensive to the dead animals, that they should rest in peace.
Down with taxidermy.
All: ♪ we did the crime, not doing the time ♪
♪ we did it! we did it! ♪
♪ let the weirdos free ♪
♪ and come after me ♪
♪ we did it! we did it! ♪
♪ we didn't think this thing all the way through ♪
♪ ♪
♪ we did it ♪
[Sirens wailing]
Okay, let's close up.
I'm gonna set the alarm.
Okay. I'll just get my bag.
Toni, don't move. This device--
Just stay still for a minute, okay?
Candace.
Yeah?
Can I move my head?
No!
This is a motion sensor.
Away and set.
60 seconds.
Great. Okay.
[Sniffs] Sorry.
Where are you going?
Just a little allergic.
Just gonna bring one of these.
Candace, you know I have a box of tissues on my dashboard.
Well, I know; I just would like to use this one so I'm not wasting yours.
I'll just use this one.
But you're always welcome to borrow a tissue from me.
It won't even get out.
Candace.
There we go.
Are you ready?
Left is left, right is right, fold it aside and then it's a might.
No, left-- fold the tissue to the left--
Candace.
Hmm?
Are you ready?
Yes, because we should go, because it's beeping.
I agree.
Okay.
Here we go.
Okay.
You want me to drive?
Yes, please.
Ahh!
[Alarm blaring]
Get back! Get back!
Who are you, ghouls?
What is this? Who are you?
The alarm.
They won't let us out!
Get this!
Who are you?
What is this?
Get the alarm!
Who are you? What do you want?
What's going on? Help!
Stop struggling!
Ow.
No, I will not stop struggling!
Brandon, go turn off the alarm!
Toni, are you okay?
[Groans]
[Sirens wailing]
You're gonna pay for this, you know.
[Muffled scream]
Ow!
Ouch!
Sorry.
To the people in the bookstore, this is the Portland Police.
We got you surrounded.
Help!
No! No!
What I'd like you to do is just come on out with your hands up and listen to the officers' instructions.
Now there's police.
Are you happy?
I'm live outside the Women & Women First bookstore on North Killingsworth.
Inside, two of the band members who, on the rooftop, admitted their guilt to the taxidermy fire.
We are getting some information about them.
The first suspect is Brandon Sannders.
He has ties to Portland-area ecoterrorist groups.
Also inside, the second suspect is a woman, Brit Whylder.
[Choking]
[Choking]
[Coughing]
Two other suspects are at large.
Yeah!
Whoo!
Yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well done, sir. Well done, sir.
Protest, hello!
Hold on. Hold on.
What?
What's that?
No, man!
Okay...
Cops?
Why didn't we think this through?
Why didn't you think it through?
You were like, "We'll be fine."
Your idea.
It's not my idea.
Hide everything.
Great, this is how you are in a crisis?
Hi there.
Hi.
Where we going today?
Uh, we are--
Just driving around.
We're just driving, you know, checking out nature.
Just going through the highway out to the nature.
Yeah.
Over there to there.
Yeah.
To visit nature.
Yeah.
May I see your license and registration?
Sure, yeah.
Everything's up to date.
Oh. I'm sorry.
Y'all are both a little shaky today.
I feel like I had too much coffee.
Yeah, it's a pretty long drive.
Looks like your registration's expiring soon.
Yeah, I told-- I even--
I said that to her before-- when we were leaving the house.
I was like, "You got to get those tags-- expiring soon."
He did. He did.
So, uh, what have you got in the back?
Um, like, mulch, um, the-- manure.
The-- the-- the bird-- like, a chicken manure and then, uh, like, a hoe-- like, gardening supplies.
Chicken manure?
And gardening supplies.
And gardening supplies.
I think I'll have a look, if you don't mind.
Oh, what, the chicken manure and the gardening supplies?
Yeah.
I could just describe it to you.
It's just, like, a mound, and then there's a hoe, and then there's a small handheld rake that's got the three prongs.
You mean like a pitchfork?
It's a hand hoe.
A hand hoe.
It's a hoe you hold in your hand.
It's a hand hoe device.
Yeah, it's like, you see a hoe, and you're like, "I got to get my hand on that."
[Laughs]
I'm gonna have a look at the truck.
No, no, no. I don't think you need to.
No, go ahead.
What?
I'm fine with it.
Just let her go.
Go ahead.
Uh...
All units, we have a hostage situation at the bookstore.
3602, copy.
I got to go. You guys take care.
Thanks.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, jeez.
Go. Go. Go.
Jesus.
[Whimpers]
Oh. Oh. Oh, my God.
Again, for the people in the bookstore, when this is all over, you're going to get a choice--
Public defender, which, you know-- or you may want to get one of those fancy lawyers, and you may get off pretty easy.
But we don't even get to that part yet until you come out with your hands up.
Family. Unarmed. We're family.
No threats whatsoever. That's our daughter.
That's your daughter, you said?
Yes.
She's a good kid. Put your g*ns down.
She's different than everybody else.
She wanted to do, what, Teach for America, right?
Teach for America. That's a good organization.
Well, she's thinking about it.
She thought about it.
She-- Oh.
Look, let's call it a day. We're all done.
Thanks, everyone.
Thanks, everyone, so much.
Engines on, g*ns down, let's get out of here.
Thank you for your service.
Sir, we appreciate your service.
You are part of the community.
You work so hard, tireless hours.
We'll handle it from here.
We will yell at her.
I mean, I will turn to her and go, like, "Hey, this house is not a playground!
"You want to play with your toys and leave them around?
Nuh-uh, not in this house!"
I mean, I yell.
Here's the deal. She's a kid.
[Murmurs] She's going through a bunch of stuff.
We've all gone through it. She's made her point.
Let her go. Just let her go.
And, you know--
I can't do that.
Ah.
I mean, do we even know that she did it?
Yeah. We're pretty sure.
I-- You know what?
We know.
We don't know.
I did it!
Well, there you go.
No, cover your eyes, everybody.
Here, can I borrow this, please?
Don't break it.
I won't.
[Quietly] Hi, honey.
It's dad.
Hi, hon, I'm on too. It's mom.
Your mom did the funniest thing.
We were-- we were-- She said, "I'm looking for CNN. I'm looking for CNN."
We were watching the damn channel.
To be fair, I was not wearing my glasses.
Uh-- [Laughs]
Come on out, honey. We love you. We're not mad.
And, uh, I guess we have some talking to do.
Hon, you know, maybe just get a plea deal where you rat out your friend.
There is no shame in ratting out others.
That's good.
In the history of crime, people have always respected people who ratted others out.
So come on out.
We're right here.
Whatever you need.
That's a girl. That's a girl.
Keep your hands in the air!
Get 'em up!
Not that one. Come on!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
No, no.
No. Wrong guy.
Wrong--
That's not who we wanted to come out.
We don't care about him.
No.
That's not who we wanted to come out.
Honey.
Finally, this animal can get a nice, proper burial.
Young marmot, little punk of nature, we salute you.
Rest easy.
Make all the noise you want. Steal all the food you want.
May you join your little friends, the three little chicks, the ram, the moose.
Never again will you be behind a counter, your head sitting over an espresso machine, while somebody reads a Nicholas Sparks book.
I truly hope you'll never have to see any wiring...
[Clears throat] or stuffing again and have people staring at you and pointing at you as if you had no soul.
Now get out of here and run around.
Be free.
Be free.
Amen.
Amen.
Amen.
Okay, so, you guys, I need you to go take the back.
There's a back entrance over on 33rd.
If you have a clear sh*t, take her out.
We did this. This is our fault.
No, sir, ma'am, you're in a dangerous area right now.
I'm gonna need you to move.
We take full responsibility for our child's actions.
This is all us. We gave her too much freedom.
We exposed her to too much too early.
We let her choose her own clothes when she was two years old.
It's just-- it's not right.
You know, and we said, "Hey, we're these '60s radicals.
You know, we're against the Vietnam w*r.
We're protestors, you know, like, right from Berkeley."
But that's not true.
We were Joe Cocker fans.
We just liked blues, really.
White, white blues.
Hendrix was actually-- it was way, way too loud.
I listened to half a song, and I was like, "What is this?
Please turn it down."
It's all our fault.
We got away from the simple parenting.
We over-coddled.
We over-loved.
We suffocated.
And now she's getting into trouble, and that's our fault.
Yeah, of course this happened.
Of course we're all here.
Of course you guys have your g*ns drawn.
You know what? Go ahead.
Lock us up.
Arrest us.
Take us.
It's our fault.
All right.
Let's go arrest them.
The parents of Brit Whylder, Chris and Malcolm, are now on trial for arson, over-parenting, and overindulging.
It turns out it was not the weirdos.
It was the idiots.
With us now is Chad, a former idiot.
Take us into the mind of an idiot.
What is that like?
Well, you listen to a lot of trance music.
Sure.
Make a lot of comments on the internet, usually with improper grammar and spelling.
Did you feel your IQ shrink during that time period?
I think it was always small.
Well, you certainly seem like you have it all together now.
You seem perfectly normal to me.
Well, some people would say I'm a douche bag.
Hi.
Oh, my God, Brit.
Brit!
Guys. Oh.
Are you okay?
I'm all right.
How are the animals?
They're in a better place.
Oh, good.
What happened to you? Tell me.
My parents, they showed up and--
It's fine.
Your parents? What happened?
It's just-- it's embarrassing.
Don't worry about it. It's fine.
It's a pretty park.
I've never seen this side of the city before.
[Heavy metal music]
♪ ♪
[Voice whispering]
Weirdos.