♪ ...on guard for thee ♪
Announcer: And now...
Channel Seventeen begins its broadcasting day...
(chuckles)
man: Good morning... and welcome to cr*ck of Dawn Yoga.
I am Yogi Raymond and you are...
You. Namasté.
No mistakes.
Yogi Raymond: Please welcome the Lotus Ladies.
Good mornin' ladies.
Today we climb the 'Mountain' pose in search of our core.
Begin.
(chuckling)
Please root your feet firmly into the earth and open your chest forward...
Oh!
The hell is this?
Oh, it's just some dumb yoga show called Yoga.
Yogi Raymond: Stretch...
Align that spine.
Mmm! I can see why you like this show! These ladies sure are fit.
Which of these ladies would you say is the most fit?
Dunno. Who's to say?
Well, if you had to say?
Nancy in the back. Redhead.
Yeah.
You two are up early.
Oh, perfect form...
Oh we're just watching a show called Yoga.
Yeah, some dumb fitness sport.
Oh, my men and their sports.
Well, gotta shovel snow!
Yeah, the snow's not gonna shovel itself!
Yogi Raymond: You're doing well.
You're doing fine. You're doing great.
Mm!
I could do that.
♪
(chuckling)
Wow! Those women over there sure are good at playing foosball. You know...
If you had the opportunity, which one of them would you rather, you know, play?
I don't know...
Well, who would it be?
You know, would it be...
Joyce, there, with the tanned legs?
Or Mrs. Van Deusel? Oh, she's got a really good grip.
What are you doing?
Talkin' sports with my son.
Nothing wrong with that!
Fine.
Guess I could play either of them. They both seem like interesting players in their own way.
Oh, do go on.
Not everything is sexual.
Dad!
♪
Uhh...
(chuckling)
As you were.
Just gonna...
Why does he want to ogle women with me?
I thought you were talkin' about sports.
I don't like talking about sports when we're actually talking about sports. This was way worse.
Look... There are only three things that a man can talk about with his son in order to bond, OK? And that's building a deck, slaying a caribou and admiring the female form: the backsides... the front sides... the hairy bits.
He told me his favourite cup size was B and that anything more than a handful was a waste.
Well, you're talking to your dad. The most I know about my dad is that he butters each bite of his bread individually before he eats it.
I don't want to talk about sex with him, 'cause you know who he has sex with?
Himself?
My mother. And I don't want to picture that.
That is not the worst thing in the world to picture, my friend.
Are you picturing having sex with my mom?
You said it, not me.
Fine. I'm picturing you apologizing to me!
Are you picturing that before or after I lay down with your mother?
Come on!
Look. You don't have much with your dad.
Why can't you just have this?
I guess it is normal for men to look at women.
Exactly. How else are you supposed to picture them naked at the end of the day, huh?
♪
OK!
Who's ready to celebrate... going back to school?
I brought vodka watermelon and... whiskey... and Irish whiskey for dessert.
It's not really that type of party, Belinda.
Oh! Is it more of a cocktail thing?
No. We were just, um... kinda discussing our university experiences. It's been... life changing.
I'm actually going to college too.
Oh!
Mm hmm! Well, it's bartending college, but still...
That's... so nice, Belinda.
It's different for us, though. I mean...
We have to take things seriously.
We can't just... coast on our looks.
And the party has to end sometime, right?
Well... Usually, it starts first.
I mean, at some point, you're gonna have to start thinking about careers or babies.
OK! Ha ha ha ha ha! You know what?
I'm just gonna take my baby... and go.
♪
Maybe when you grow up, you'll go to Simon Fraser University too.
♪
Our morning ritual continues.
Shinky!
Top of the morning, Mr. McKay!
How did you get in here?
I came in through the window.
But I can't tell you which one because then, you'd fix it.
Hey Dad. Hey Shinky.
Hey!
OK fine, you can stay.
I am Yogi Raymond and you are... a knot which I must untie. Namasté.
No mustangs.
No mistakes.
(laughing): This is great! This is so great!
You know what? The women will bend and the men will bond.
Please welcome the Lotus Ladies.
♪
Good mornin', ladies.
Oh! Good mornin', gentlemen.
Hi mom.
Mind if I join you?
No. Why would we?
No, not at all. Sorry.
Yogi Raymond: Today we'll explore... 'Downward Facing Dog'. And begin.
(deep exhalation)
With your feet firmly rooted into the earth, raise your buttocks up as an offering to the heavens.
So?
And then some.
Yeah, you guys go and I'm just gonna finish watching this show... Come on!
Hey, come on!
Are you... reading... a book?
It's about how every person...
It doesn't matter what it's about.
You're reading! A book!
I'm so proud of you!
Thanks.
I'm proud of me, too. I'm enrolling in a thing called life.
Sounds like a good book.
Where are you going?
Well, I'm off to try yoga class.
I'm gonna come with you.
You wanna go?
Yes! Yes!
To an exercise class?
♪
Oh! For heaven's sake, do you know who that is?
No.
It's Yogi Raymond from the TV show.
He's the one that turned me on to yoga.
Oh!
Namasté.
(whispering): Namasté.
Yoga is a staircase with an infinite number of steps.
You may never reach the top but for those... rare masters who do, the view of your inner self is...
(deep inspiration) ...spectacular.
Mm hmm!
Let us begin with 'Triangle' pose.
You!
Me?
Yeah, you. Forget everything I just said. I know a natural when I see one. Please... join us in the front.
(squeals)
Get out of the way. Please, move.
Let us speak after class.
Namasté.
OK.
(deep breath)
Honestly, son, it's been fun riffin' with you these last couple of days.
Hey! What does this remind you of?
Ah ah.
A child at the dinner table.
Hello!
Hi!
Oh, hi! You told us not to wait for ya, so we didn't wait for ya.
Well we were at a yoga class.
It's even more relaxing than smoking.
And I finally learned how to breathe properly.
You paid to learn how to breathe? Haven't you literally been doin' that your whole life?
(chuckling)
We'll leave you to it.
Enough chit-chat.
Mom has to get up early.
What for?
You'll see...
♪
Yogi Raymond: Take a breath... or not.
The choice is yours.
Oh, I see this is becoming a popular show.
I used to watch it from my neighbour's window. It's the reason why I bought a TV.
(laughing)
I like to look at their bodies and... think about sex.
OK. You guys can stay, but I'm not paying you for this hour. Everybody... pick a different monitor. And nobody look at another guy's monitor. That's creepy.
Yogi Raymond: Up.
(moaning)
Up.
There it is.
I wouldn't mind a couple... private lessons from some of those Lotus Ladies, eh boys?
I'd like to show her a few positions...
(laughing)
I think Bethany is really pretty.
Yeah. Good one, man.
Good. That's for sure.
Yogi Raymond: And I would like to introduce our newest Lotus Lady.
Namasté...
to Helen McKay.
Ohhh...
Oh, that's wonderful.
(rock music playing)
Very good.
Stretch and find your chi.
Your mom looks so good!
Shinky!
So good... at yoga!
Every guy in Alberta is watching this right now: Rig pigs, truckers, roadies...
Spud, turn it off.
But... b-but we'll miss the show.
No one in this room is ever watching this show again.
What?
Spud, why is there a frozen image of my wife's buttocks on that screen?
I don't know how I did that.
(sigh)
I did it on purpose.
Spud!
(laughing)
You're zooming in.
Nooo!
You know, the best deal here is the all-you-can-eat $1.99 salad bar.
You can eat as many bacon bits as you want and legally, they can't stop you.
Oh, I told you guys that one.
Namasté... to Nick's Steak House.
Oh, you watch the show!
You bet. It gets me off every mornin'...
(hesitating): ...to a great start.
What are you getting, Ian?
Angry.
together: Hey!
(indistinct chatter)
What's wrong?
I'm used to guys drooling over Belinda, but you Mom? It's...
Don't be ridiculous.
Give your head a shake.
They probably just sense her ananda.
That means 'inner bliss'.
Well, it's not her bliss they're staring at.
Well mom doesn't have penis-envy, that's for sure.
Uhh...
I've been reading The U of You and I'm finally starting to understand my vag*na.
OK, OK... Enough. We will not have that kind of talk at the dinner table or at any table for that matter.
My manager says "a round of potato skins for our... celebrity" and her guests.
Thank you!
And this plant... is from table number four.
Oh! It's so wonderful to see so many men doing yoga!
Take this crap and get it outta here.
Oh. Sir, is there another appetizer your daughter would like?
She's not my daughter.
This woman, who is a mere nine and a half years younger than me, happens to be my wife!
Not some pass-around girl that'll do anything in the back of a car for a plate of fries!
Put it in a doggy bag.
OK.
Dad, please, let me turn the power off.
Come on. You can't fix it if the power's off, Ian.
Give your head a shake. Now, look at those women over there playing foosball, huh?
It's probably someone's mom.
Or wife.
Or sister, who has so much to offer if the world would just look past her looks.
Yeah. Look at Mrs. Van Deusel, there. Probably getting ready to leave her partner as soon as somebody better comes along.
Hey, Ian.
Oh, hey Diane! Off to play some tennis?
Yeah! Do you play?
Yeah, I bet you'd like to 'play', huh Ian?
A little.
Cool! Well, we should play each other some time.
Sounds fun.
I have to warn you, though. I've got a pretty good stroke.
I'll go easy on you, though. I'll only use one hand.
(chuckling)
Can I use both hands?
I think you'd better.
But don't you worry, I'll show you a few moves.
But I think we both know who's gonna end up on top.
(chuckling)
Right.
Whoa, Dad! It's sparking.
Yeah. That's how you know how the electricity is on.
Come on!
Whoa!
Are you busy?
I'm just looking at how big the world is.
There are so many places I wanna see: Burma, Siam, Prussia...
Yeah, I think that atlas might be a little out of date.
I need to ask you something.
Lay it on me.
"Don't look at these".
What is that?
It's to remind people that my eyes are up here in front of my brain.
It's getting a great response.
So your shirt is supposed to make people not stare at your chest?
I'm tired of being treated like a sex object just because I'm sexy.
I don't care what you look like. I care about your brain.
I came to you ask your brain some questions.
Lay it on me.
When is it okay to look at a woman?
Never. Unless she wants you to.
Well, how will I know if she wants me to?
By looking at her...
To see if it's okay to look at her... to see if it's okay to look?
Exactly!
Uhh...
See, you're finally starting to understand us women.
Really?
Hey! How you ladies doin' today?
(chuckling)
Twenty years ago, they would've been interested.
♪
Yeah.
(breathing nervously)
(relaxing music playing)
(ringing)
Has anyone seen Glennis?
No?
Yogi Raymond, is Glennis... sick?
Oh.
No, she was released back into the universe and banned from the studio.
Did she do something wrong?
(chuckling)
Well... Nothing she could control. You see, Glennis's inner light was fading.
Oh my gosh!
Was she kicked off the show for being too old?
(chuckling) Well, let's just say she's nowhere near as attractive as you are... spiritually.
Sir, I am both flattered and indignant!
OK, come on, sweetie! You're a big girl, I mean... Gee wiz.
Why do you think people watch this show, huh?
♪
So, I'm sensing your general unease with the world of erotica.
And yet, you continue to talk about it.
Aren't you the same guy who got kicked out of the science fair for a p*rn Lite-Brite display?
Hey, maybe I just think that p*rn isn't a team sport.
Well, maybe you're not watching the right stuff.
What?
Listen...
I got my hands on a particular film.
What is it?
I'm glad you asked.
It's an adult film.
Ugh...
No, no, no! But hear me out, OK?
There is no way that you will feel guilty for watching this movie, because...
Put that away.
There's nothing to be ashamed of. Just two guys, an adult film...
Aah...
Believe me, man, you are going to love this. (chuckling)
Mrs. McKay!
I have a very serious question.
Why do men watch cr*ck of Dawn Yoga?
Is it for the music? Spirituality?
Yogi Raymond's calming voice?
I have actually never seen it, but I have noticed that you have a very lovely glow about you recently.
Ian? I want the truth.
Uhh... Guys watch it for a three-letter word.
Chi?
No, sex.
Guys watch it, because it's basically slow-moving sex.
So all those mornings that you and your dad were watching it together, you were thinking about...
No, Mom!
And my hands are clean of this.
Uhh? What?
♪
The EXXXorcist.
It's a sequel.
Lloyd: Argh!
Let's check it out.
Argh!
Oh!
You drove me to it!
Oh!
(chuckling)
Ian: Dad...
Nooo!
Oh, sweetie... It's not so bad.
(both laughing)
Enough of that.
I'm gonna put this on the fridge as a warning.
Get out of here!
Ha! Ha!
OK, it was a mistake. I know it.
Well, maybe it could look nice... with a top hat.
I was trying to look younger.
Oh, sweetie.
You know, with all those guys chasing you around...
I was just... trying to keep up.
Well, I was just trying to feel good about myself.
Is that so bad?
Well, of course not.
And... for the record, you're best-looking dame I know.
Sweetest bird to ever crawl outta Edmonton.
Ohh!
(chuckling)
Thanks.
Shinky!
(women singing)
man: Quiet on the set!
(chuckling)
♪
We're live in 5!
Rolling!
announcer: And now, Channel Seventeen begins its broadcasting day.
♪
Namasté.
I am Yogi Raymond and you are... hearing my voice and seeing... my face. Thank you for joining us.
I would like to now begin...
Excuse me, I'd like to say something.
Ah actually, the Lotus Ladies do not speak.
So, we will now begin with...
I'd just like to mention something.
Yogi Raymond has perverted the true spirit of yoga by being a pervert.
Oh, crap.
Helen: Yoga is about inner light, it's not about close-ups of chests and... bums.
This show's got too talky for me.
Mm hmm.
That is why I am hanging up my Lotus Lady tights.
Wow!
Way to go, Mom!
Goodbye. And namasté!
Hah!
Oh, Lord! What did you just do?
OK. Well, uhh... Yoga is not unlike life.
People say things. (nervous laugh)
Uhh... And I'm n... I'm not a... I'm not a pervert.
We can... we can all attest to that. I am not a... a perv...
♪
You know, when the leaf falls from the lotus tree, it simply produces a new leaf and in some cases, a flower. Would you like to join us, my little flower?
No, not you. Over there.
Dad, I think he...
Little, tiny... itsy-bitsy me?
Yes, of course. You are everything that yoga is about.
Beauty, looks, sultriness.
I'll do it.
Welcome back from the break. I would now like to introduce our newest Lotus...
I'd like to say something, too.
God...
Here we go...
We should not do this show live, OK, Morty? Never again.
Some people think that the only way that you can grow and expand your mind is university.
But what happens... when university is over?
She's got a good point.
I just wish she was bendin' over when she made it.
You'll be left with a student debt of two or three thousand dollars?
That's not that much.
And 20 years from now,
you're just gonna wake up next to your snoring husband, wondering how fast can you strangle him with your university sweater.
Oh, but you can't, 'cause you have to get up and feed your little pug-nosed children.
She's really specific.
It's like she's talkin' to me.
Well, it doesn't have to be that way.
There's a big ol' campus we call life!
Mm hmm.
It's the U of You... and everyone is invited! Woo! Thank you!
Yeah! Thank you!
That was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
I guess somebody here taught her to speak up.
Woo!
OK. Thank you very much for joining us. Namasté.
(women chuckling)
If we can't look at their bodies, how are we supposed to meet their brains?
Yeah, when I look at a woman, their body is the first thing I see, I can't help it!
But we're supposed to notice other things.
Like what?
Like Mrs. Van Deusel.
She just made a pretty nice sh*t. She seems... strong and wise.
Yeah, but you had to look at her to notice that.
Honestly, son, I don't even think we're allowed to know they're playing foosball.
All I think I know is that 'Don't be gross' seems like a pretty good guideline.
All I think I know is that women are better than us.
And not just 'cause they're tanned and smell great, because they're smarter, they're wiser.
Agreed...
Very funny.
Let me... I'll get it.
What am I supposed to...
No, it's my screwd...
Hey, Joyce.
Mm?
Which one would you rather have flick your switch?
I'd take either. Maybe the bad boy?
The bad boy. Or perhaps his son?
(chuckling)
You know my back's sore, right?
OK...
Alright. Let's get that electricity rollin'.
Whoa!
Whoa, whoa!
They're so cute when they run around like that!
Ian!
I love the way their pants move.
Ok, I'll get it...
I have such a thing for custodians.
Doesn't every girl?
Is it hot in here or is it just me?
No. It's them.
(both laughing)
Well, I hope you didn't wash your eyes today, because you are about to see something dirty.
Let's just get this over with.
You're not gonna regret this.
You might even learn something.
Narrator: Birds do it.
Bees do it. And man with seeds.
It's called sex. Reproduction.
The great cycle of people making people.
Consider the amoeba.
You know, I think I saw this 'adult film' in grade nine biology class.
Are you kidding me?
I don't wanna learn about sex, I wanna see someone do... the sex to someone else.
narrator: ...these two bears have decided to start a family, But first, the male must impregnate the female.
OK!
You think they're in love?
Dammit, Ian! Who cares?
But obviously, yes.
(roaring and groaning)
together: Aah!
For more on Young Drunk Punk, go to citytv.com.