02x15 - Early 21st Century Romanticism

[bunniefuu]

TROY: Why does being a librarian make her hotter?

ABED: They're keepers of knowledge, she answers questions. Like "Will you marry me?" And "Why are there still libraries?"

TROY: I wanna be a book. She could pick me up, flip through my pages, make sure nobody drew wieners in me. Mm-hm.

ABED: Hey, maybe if we're too loud, she'll shush us.

TROY: Okay.

ABED: Books!

TROY: Pretend like you're asleep.

[TROY PRETENDS TO SNORE.]

TROY: Jeff, what do you do when you and your best friend wanna ask the same girl to the dance, but neither have dibs? You both fell in love at first sight.

JEFF: I don't believe in dibs, love at first sight, love, best friends or doing things, but it's good you brought this to me.

ABED: Gonna have to open your heart eventually, Jeff.

JEFF: What if I don't? I miss the heart opening deadline?

PIERCE: Valentine's, Crapentine's.

JEFF: Opening my heart is on my list.

SHIRLEY: Pierce, what was that?

PIERCE: Gum.

ANNIE: Why aren't you chewing?

PIERCE: Because I'm using my mouth for this dumb conversation.

[BRITTA & PAGE LAUGH.]

BRITTA: Bye.

PAGE: Bye.

BRITTA: That's my friend Page. She's cool, but whatever.

TROY: She's cute.

BRITTA: Oh, Troy. Heh. Before you go barking up that tree, she might not be interested.

ANNIE: Why wouldn't she be...? Oh. [WHISPERS] Is she a friend of Ellen?

BRITTA: Yes, Annie, but you can say the word. Page is a lesbian. [TO PIERCE] Pierce, as someone who's been calling me a lesbian for the last year and a half, I'm sure you don't have anything to say about me being friends with one.

PIERCE: Nothing off the cuff. What I do have is a prepared statement.



[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]
♪ Give me some rope, time in a tree ♪ ♪ give me the hope to run out of steam ♪ ♪ somebody said we could be here ♪ ♪ we could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year ♪ ♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪ ♪ one by one they all just fade away ♪



PIERCE: And in summation, good luck and bon appétit.

JEFF: Many, many paragraphs of that were oddly supportive.

PIERCE: Wait till you hear the one I have for you.

SHIRLEY: Okay, I know that wasn't gum.

PIERCE: You're right. It was an awesome exit pill. Zip, zop, zooey. Bye.

SHIRLEY: We gotta do something about those painkillers.

JEFF: He's recovering from broken legs.

TROY: He sure is. Dude can moonwalk.

JEFF: He's almost through his prescription. Besides, he's a baby boomer. They invented dr*gs.

BRITTA: Yeah, they also invented TV. Have you seen him control one of those?

ANNIE: Intervention? Intervention?

JEFF: Count me out.

SHIRLEY: We can't count you out. He listens to you.

JEFF: He also listens to the Barenaked Ladies. Go get their dumb asses to help you.

[ALL GASP]

BRITTA: Back it up.

TROY: Okay, Jeff. You are clearly in a bad space today, but Pierce is our friend and the Barenaked Ladies are triple platinum. Are you?

JEFF: Why does everyone leap to defend that band so aggressively? And how much stuff do we have to go through before my friendship stops being questioned?

ANNIE: Maybe friendship is about going through a lot of stuff. And maybe BNL has two Billboard Awards to your zero.

JEFF: Oh, they're "BNL" now? We need a shorthand for the Barenaked Ladies. That's how fundamental they are. You know what Pierce probably needs more than anything? Some space. Maybe I do too.

BRITTA: Maybe we all need some space to pull the Kn*fe out of the back of the most celebrated Canadian alt-rock band of the mid-'90s, you selfish, jaded ass.

JEFF: This is a fight. We are fighting.

DUNCAN: Jeff. Hello. I hear you're fighting with your group.

JEFF: Correct.

DUNCAN: You won't know this, being American, but tonight, Liverpool are playing...

JEFF: Manchester United. I'm a stylish American, professor. I've been forcing myself to be into soccer since 2004.

DUNCAN: Oh, then it's destiny. God gave you a British friend and a massive TV for a reason.

JEFF: Oh, it's Valentine's day. Even though we're fighting, I did promise the group I'd go to the dance.

DUNCAN: You promised the study group? Whip cr*ck. I'll see you at precisely 6:30, or, as the English call it, gravedigger's biscuits. Okay? Ha!


TINY MAN: That moonwalk back there was streets ahead, buddy.

PIERCE: Hey, thanks, buddy.

TINY MAN: Hey, Pierce. Hey, it's you. Yeah, the tiny man you see when you take enough pills. We have a good time, don't we, Pierce?

PIERCE: I ain't hurting.

TINY MAN: And you wanna keep this going, right? Because I'm sure you've noticed, the prescription is almost done.

PIERCE: Heh, heh. I don't think the doctor... You know, he won't...

TINY MAN: Pierce, if doctors are so smart, why are there millions of them? Look in your hand. It's Valentine's, buddy. Be mine.

ABED: Ahem. Mariah, Abed Nadir. My associate, Troy Barnes.

TROY: Charmed, I'm sure.

MARIAH: Are you the guys who keep staring at me and intermittently yelling out "books"?

TROY: The very same. We're both interested in taking you to the dance. But we are also best friends with each other.

ABED: It is important we protect that friendship from the stresses of courting. So we're trying to be direct. Will you go to the dance with one of us, and if so, which one?

MARIAH: We need to get something straight first. This is the cutest thing that's ever happened to me. But I don't know either one of you.

ABED: Give us a moment. [BOTH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] New proposal: Get to know us at the dance and decide which of us you'd like to see again.

MARIAH: Okay, deal.

TROY: Nice.

MARIAH: What's in the briefcase?

TROY: Oh, tacos. You want one?

MARIAH: No.

TROY: Great, we really wanted them.

ABED: Yeah, we're gonna eat them.



ANNIE: So, like, would you change clothes in front of her?

BRITTA: Annie, I know your lack of world experience creates curiosity, but questions like that can make you seem a bit h*m*.

ANNIE: It's h*m* to ask questions?

BRITTA: If you have to ask if it's h*m* to ask questions, haven't you already answered your own question?

ANNIE: Have I?

BRITTA: Don't know. Not a h*m*. Oh. Oh, there's Page. Should I ask her 500 questions about being a lesbian? Or should I just treat her like a normal person? That's a question you can ask.

BRITTA: [TO PAGE] Hey, how are you? What's going on?

PAGE’S FRIEND: Hey.

ANNIE: Hi.

PAGE’S FRIEND: I'm not a lesbian.

ANNIE: Oh. I'm not either. But it's cool that you're friends with one.

PAGE’S FRIEND: Oh. Page isn't a lesbian. She just likes hanging out with Britta. It makes her feel cool to have a lesbian friend. Heh, heh.

ANNIE: But Britta's not a lesbian. She thinks that Page is. [GASPS]

BRITTA: Guess what, Annie. Page and I are going to the dance together. Hope I stay straight, right? [CLICKS TONGUE] [TO PAGE’S FRIEND] Oh, sorry, my friend's a tad h*m*, so I was doing a bit.

PAGE’S FRIEND: Oh... Heh.

BRITTA: [TO PAGE] Bye.



[CROWD CHEERING ON TV]

DUNCAN: Pretty exciting first half.

JEFF: Yeah, zero-zero. Electrifying.

DUNCAN: Worried that your six-headed ball and chain will be calling?

JEFF: Fine.

DUNCAN: That's better, you big slut.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[WHISPERING]

JEFF: It's Chang.

DUNCAN: Chang? Why?

JEFF: I don't know.

CHANG: I can hear you guys.

JEFF: [IN NORMAL VOICE] What are you doing here, Chang? And how do you know where I live?

CHANG: I can answer both of those questions by returning your driver's license. [SIGHS] Ah. There it is. Man U versus Liverpool.

DUNCAN: For God's sakes, just let him in. He's wearing the right colors and everything. Come in.

CHANG: Don't mind if I Chang. Hey, hey. Hey, man, check this out. Ya-tah! [LAUGHING]

[CROWD CHEERING ON TV]



CHANG: The thing I was going to show you guys was pretty cool.

JEFF: I'm ignoring you and watching soccer.

DUNCAN: Just sit down, Chang. There's space for three fannies on this sofa.

CHANG: In England, fanny means vag*na right?

DUNCAN: In England, everything means vag*na. [LAUGHING]

CHANG: [TO JEFF] I’m gonna make it up to you. Even though, like I said, weird place to put a lamp. But let me order a pizza.

DUNCAN: Ooh, I love pizza. In England, we call them "Italian fannies."

CHANG: I'm hooking us up. Celly.

JEFF: Uh, go use the landline.

CHANG: Landline? Okay, Grandma Bell. [CHANG CHUCKLES] Star-Burns. It's Chang. Remember that pizza you owe me? Well, it's time to pay up. Party at Winger's tonight. Yeah, you can tell people. Cool. Cool.



[UPBEAT POP MUSIC BLARING ON SPEAKERS]

STARBUCKS: Wingding at Wingers. Wingding at Wingers.

ABED: So, Mariah, what you get with me is the complete package. HBO, Showtime, Starz, Starz Black.

MARIAH: Sounds expensive.

TROY: With all due respect to my friend, if you go with me, you can expect this on the dance floor:

[UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS] Go, go, go...

PAGE: I feel like everyone's staring. Not that I care.

BRITTA: Well, of course they're staring. They've probably never seen a straight girl and a lesbian so comfortable together. Exactly.

[GUYS SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

PAGE: Those two were talking about us.

BRITTA: Well, let's give them something to really talk about.

PAGE: Let's do it.

BRITTA: Okay.

PAGE: Excuse us.

BRITTA: Hi. Sorry.

[POP MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

TINY MAN: Cool music, huh?



DUNCAN: Oh, nice call, ref. Bite my banger.

CHANG: Jeff, something's up with your toothbrush, man.

JEFF: What the hell?

CHANG: I had to get cleaned up.

JEFF: Why?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

CHANG: Oh, yeah. Pizza time.

JEFF: Leonard?

LEONARD: Where are the white women at?

JEFF: No. There are no white women here, Leonard. This is not a party.

CHANG: Don't tell that to Magnitude.

JEFF: Who's Magnitude?

MAGNITUDE: Yo, yo, yo. Pop, pop! Ha, ha, ha! Pop, pop! Bam! Bam!

CHANG: Come on in. What's up? Oh, yeah, dog. Looking good.



ABED: That is my analysis of the Saw movie franchise. That about does it. So I think it's time for you to choose.

MARIAH: Abed, could you get us some punch?

ABED: On it.

MARIAH: [to Troy] You guys are really cute together.

TROY: Thank you.

MARIAH: But, you know, having to actually choose, l...

TROY: Hey, we both agreed to this. We're both comfortable with each other. So I won't be...

MARIAH: No, I choose you, Troy.

ABED: Psssh. Punch.

TROY: Hey, Abed. Hey. I, um... She just, uh... She chose me.

ABED: Cool. You can have this, then. Thank you, Mariah. Have a great night.



PIERCE: [LAUGHING] Great.

ANNIE: Pierce?

PIERCE: You go straight to hell!

ANNIE: Wha...?

PIERCE: Uh... Heh. Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know, I’ve been going through all these mood swings lately.

ANNIE: You understand we care about you, right?

PIERCE: Hm.

ANNIE: Okay.

TINY MAN: Well, look. Here's the deal. I am not sharing you with them. So before this goes further, you have a choice to make, my friend. Ha, ha! Look at the lesbians.

[UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

PIERCE: Lesbians!

BRITTA & PAGE: Screw you!

BRITTA: Heh.

PAGE: Heh. L... No, no.

BRITTA: I don't care what they say.

PAGE: Oh, I don't either. I just wish it wasn't such an issue for them.

BRITTA: Yeah, but that starts with us. That starts with us.

[BOTH LAUGH NERVOUSLY]

[CROWD MURMURING]

PAGE: I've never done this before.

BRITTA: Me neither.

BOTH: Wait, what?

MAN: Bring it.

TROY: So ... curious about one thing. What was wrong with Abed?

MARIAH: Well, I mean, he did talk about the Saw movies for two hours.

TROY: Yeah, but there are eight of them and they're two hours apiece. And the first one did redefine the genre...

MARIAH: Troy, I would love to be his friend.

TROY: I know you would, it's incredible.

MARIAH: But romantically, he's... You know.



TROY: I hate her, I hate her, I hate her!

ABED: What happened?

TROY: She called you weird.

ABED: I am weird.

TROY: Not as weird as her. Who the hell is Nicholas Nickleby? She wouldn't shut up about it.

ABED: Hm. I know.

TROY: There's someone out there for us. Happy Valentine's Day.

ABED: It is now.

TROY: Ignore her.

ABED: Okay.



[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

JEFF: It's weird, but I’ve never heard of Magnitude before tonight.

CHANG: He's a one-man party. You're always busy with your study group.

DUNCAN: Well, he's not with them tonight. Ha, ha, ha. Oh, yeah!

JEFF: I thought you quit drinking, Duncan.

DUNCAN: False alarm on that one. Oh, yeah. Pop, pop. Pop, pop. Pop, pop. Pop, pop. Pop, pop...

CHANG & MAGNITUDE: Yo! Yo! Yo...

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]



BRITTA: I never said I was a lesbian. Why didn't you just ask me?

PAGE: What am I, a h*m*? I don't care about people's preferences.

BRITTA: You so care. You were clearly only hanging out with me because you thought I was gay.

PAGE: So, what you were doing with me?

BRITTA: Hey, what does it matter, you know? We're both just humans trying to make our way through this crazy world.

PAGE: You're the worst.

BRITTA: What?

PAGE: And for the record, I never thought you were cool. I only thought you were a lesbian.

BRITTA: Page is straight.

ANNIE: Really? Well, when she was gay, I thought it was really cool of you to make out with her.

BRITTA: Thanks, Annie.

MAN: Come on. Kiss her!

BRITTA: Annie.



HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

JEFF: Oh, thanks, man. Just leave those. I'll get them in the morning.

CHANG: Oh, it's okay.

JEFF: Are you wearing my underwear?

CHANG: Oh. I needed a pair while I did some laundry here.

JEFF: I don't have a washing machine. What the hell?

CHANG: Okay, don't get mad, don't get mad. I'm homeless, Jeff. When my wife found out about Shirley and me, she kicked me out. For good this time. My whole life is in this dishwasher, man. Well, some of it's also soaking in your bathtub.
Oh, so wasted and sleepy. You know, I should probably just crash here and, you know, I can start looking for a place in the morning.

JEFF: What? You orchestrated this entire party so you could weasel into staying here.

CHANG: You weren't gonna notice.

DUNCAN: Jeff, don’t k*ll the messenger, but you have four hermit crabs in your bathroom sink.

CHANG: You'll fall in love with them. I named one Jeff.

JEFF: How long did you actually think you were gonna stay?

CHANG: Just a month, three tops. I mean, how long is our lease? Uh... Uh...
[TO HERMIT CRABS] Way to go, idiots!



HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]

[MUSIC STOPS]

JEFF: All right, everybody out. I'm not kidding. It's been very interesting getting to know you all much, much better. Star-Burns. Leonard. Magnitude. Pop, pop. Swizzle. Scandalous. C Dubbs. Tim. Mighty D. Glisten. Good night, everyone. Faster. Move it. Thank you.

DUNCAN: Well, I hope you found tonight therapeutic. Because I would love to pretend that that was my plan.

JEFF: I actually started to have fun until that maniac tried to move in. What is it about me that makes broken people flock to me? Is it my height? Do huddled masses mistake me for the Statue of Liberty?

DUNCAN: I don't know, but being as how you are halfway through your second year at Greendale, you may want to either stop resisting, or admit that you're actually starting to enjoy it.

JEFF: Well, you assume I enjoy it because you think you'd enjoy it.

DUNCAN: It's true, I am very lonely.

JEFF: You want a nice little taste of what you're missing in a relationship with six nutcases?

DUNCAN: Yeah.

JEFF: Let's turn on my phone and listen to the 39 messages they left tonight.

[RECORDED VOICE ON PHONE] Hello. You have no new messages.

JEFF: Hm. That's... Hm.

DUNCAN: Since you got it turned on, why don't you call me a cab and then pay for it?

JEFF: They must be in some kind of trouble.

DUNCAN: Ah. What a relief that would be. Tell you what. If you need me, I'm gonna be waiting for my cab down here. I'll have a special nap.

CHANG: Oh!
Thanks, bro, I’ll be gone in the morning.

JEFF: Yeah, whatever.

CHANG: Okay, maybe I’ll stay a while. Thirsty.

JEFF: Don't push it. All right.

[VOICEOVER] It might not shock you guys to hear the real reason we had a fight today. [phones beeping] It wasn't about the Barenaked Ladies. Although I do have some unresolved issues there. Caring about a person can be scary. Caring about six people can be a horrifying, embarrassing nightmare. At least for me. But if I can't say it today, when can I say it? I love you guys. Oh, and Pierce? Take it from an expert. These knuckleheads are right outside your heart. Let them in. Before it's too late. Happy Valentine's Day.



ABED: Be mine.

TROY: Right. Yes.

ABED: Love you.

TROY: Amazing.

ABED: [SNIFFS] You're cute?

TROY: Hm.

ABED: No, wait. Kiss me.

TROY: There has got to be a way to make money off of this.

ABED: I've been cheating.

TROY: No, it says "E-mail me."