03x05 - Horror Fiction in Seven Spooky Steps

[bunniefuu]

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
BRITTA: Remember, you guys can have a dip too! And don't be afraid to play with the... [SPOOKILY] Ruuubber spiiider!
SHIRLEY: I’ll ask again... Are you sure I can't bring anything?
PIERCE: I don't understand. We're having a party before we're going to the real party? Sometimes, I think you young people are just making this crap up.
BRITTA: It's a pre-party! It's informal, intimate, and just for us. And I told you guys you didn't have to dress up.
TROY: Oh, we were wearing this when you called.
ABED: Yeah, when we dress up, you'll know it.
ANNIE: There's nothing in your playlist but spooky party, the Beetlejuice soundtrack, and NPR podcasts.
BRITTA: Ooh! We could listen to one of those! I have Michele Norris interviewing Errol Morris. Don't worry, they address it.
JEFF: Okay, let's make this quick. I got three more polite appearances to make tonight. What? I'm one of the Fast and Furious guys.
ABED: Which one?
JEFF: Oh, I don't know. I don't watch that shallow crap. I just pick a costume girls will like.
BRITTA: Jeff, can I have a quick conversation with you?
JEFF: Doubtful, but I support the dream.
BRITTA: Remember last week, when I made you guys fill out those anonymous personality tests for my psych class?
JEFF: Listen, if you dropped them in another puddle-
BRITTA: No, I processed the results, as per my assignment. And, Jeff, one of our friends is... Deeply disturbed.
[THUNDER]
DEAN PELTON: Trick or Dean!
[JEFF & BRITTA GASP]
Dean Pelton: Don't forget to come by our Halloween scare-tacular dance, starting in the cafeteria at 9:30. Also, I had the lights rigged to flicker for Halloween!
JEFF: It’s been happening all week.
DEAN PELTON: Halloween week!
JEFF: So the lights will work on November 1st?
DEAN PELTON: All Saint's day... Month!
[THUNDER]
JEFF: I’m sorry, you were about to get ridiculous?
BRITTA: Look! One of the tests came back with 70 out of 75 red flags for an extreme personality disorder. Extreme, Jeff!
JEFF: [GASPS] Like a dorito?
BRITTA: A sociopathic dorito. A cool ranch lunatic. Only instead of Zest, Jeff, one member of our study group has... homicidal tendencies.
JEFF: I think one member of our study group is an overzealous psych major. You probably just Britta'd the test results somehow.
BRITTA: No. I double-checked them. Wait. Are people using my name to mean "make a small mistake"?
JEFF: Yes.

[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]
♪ Give me some rope, time in a tree ♪ ♪ give me the hope to run out of steam ♪ ♪ somebody said we could be here ♪ ♪ we could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year ♪ ♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪ ♪ one by one they all just fade away ♪

JEFF: Let's make this party fast and furious, in that order.
TROY: Yeah, I want to go to the dance. I heard the Dean's got free taco meat from the army.
BRITTA: We can go to the dance in a bit. But first, why don't we tell some scaaary stories?
[ALL GROAN]
BRITTA: Good! I'll start with a story about a horrible fate befalling innocent people, and then I'm curious to get individual reactions. Once upon a time, there was a couple in a car in the woods making out or something.
“BRITTA”: I think I heard something.
“JEFF”: It's just the sound of my heart, baby.
“BRITTA”: Mmm.
HOST [ON RADIO]: In the news tonight, top story: An escaped convict from the asylum has escaped, and he's mental and he's on the loose and stuff.
“BRITTA”: Oh, my God. That sounds dangerous.
“JEFF”: Oh, I'm sure it's no biggie, but I am a horny man. I'm only half-present.
RADIO HOST: He was last seen in the woods and has a thingy for a hand, a hook thing where his hand should be. You know what I mean.
“BRITTA”: That sounds dangerous.
“JEFF”: Fine, I’ll get out and look. But then I'm entitled to s*x. [SCREAMS] I'm getting stabbed with his hook hand thing.
“BRITTA”: Oh, my God! No! I was right!
BRITTA: And the woman was screaming and screaming and the man got k*lled. Abed?
ABED: Yep?
BRITTA: How did that story make you feel?
ABED: Embarrassed.
BRITTA: That's an odd reaction.
[ALL MURMUR IN DISAGREEMENT]
TROY: Seems fair.
BRITTA: What embarrassed you about it?
ABED: I didn't care about the characters.
BRITTA: Didn't care about them?
ABED: They were stupid. They deliberately put themselves in danger, and, when they were warned about it, the guy got out of the car.
BRITTA: Do you believe because he was stupid he deserved to die?
PIERCE: What the hell kind of party is this?
ABED: I suppose, from a creative standpoint, some characters deserve to die. Ones that lack common sense or even basic survival instinct. Your story's not scary because the characters are making choices the audience wouldn't make. Plus, you need a smarter lead. Here, like this. It's a dark, cold night in the woods. We establish a traditional log cabin, then cut to-
“ABED”: Here we are, a log cabin I rented so we could be intimate in safety, because it's not the 50s, so we don't have to park a car and neck at inspiration point.
“BRITTA”: That makes sense. I'm turned on by how logical you are.
“ABED”: I’m comforted by your shiny hair and facial symmetry. Well, I just brushed my teeth, so this would be the optimal time to kiss. Enjoyable. Soft lips. Just the right level of moisture.
“BRITTA”: Would you like to do it again?
“ABED”: No. We should listen to the news on this radio. I brought it as a cautionary measure, because this cabin is within walking distance of the local insane asylum.
“BRITTA”: Oh, is that why you were able to rent it at such a reasonable rate?
“ABED”: Yes.
“BRITTA”: I hope you're as fertile as I am tonight.
“ABED”: More.
“BRITTA”: Ahh.
[SMOOTH JAZZ MUSIC COMES ON RADIO]
[ABED HUMS JAZZ MELODY]
PIERCE: Abed! Why are you doing the whole song?
ABED: They wouldn't turn the radio on at the exact moment of the most pertinent news broadcast. It's too coincidental. But I’ll jump forward in time.
“BRITTA”: What was that noise?
“ABED”: Based on the news report we just heard, but not just just heard, I assume it's the deranged, hook-handed k*ller, who escaped when the asylum's antiquated security system failed.
“BRITTA”: I guess they shouldn't have cut corners, although it is understandable, given the recent economic downturn. Should we go check it out?
“ABED”: No. We should call 911 on my fully-charged cell phone, lock the doors, and then stand back to back in the middle of the room holding knives.
“BRITTA”: I love you-
“ABED”: Shh.
ANNIE: Ugh. Do these people ever die or what?
ABED: Eventually, once it had been... [SPOOKILY] Eaaarned.
JEFF: Well, Britta... It looks like you're barking up the wrong tree.
ANNIE: Yeah. You want to hear a scary story? I've got a scary story.
“ANNIE”: Thank you for pulling me from that carriage. I don't know what could have frightened my horses so.
“JEFF”: Many vile creatures make these woods their home. Some even warn of... Monsters.
“ANNIE”: I don't believe in monsters. I believe every man has good within. I must retrieve my books from the debris tomorrow. I am a schoolteacher, and many children rely on me to educate them.
“JEFF”: Be gone, innocent one!
“ANNIE”: What's wrong?
“JEFF”: You may choose not to believe in them, but I am a monster. And I must feed.
“BRITTA”: Do not judge me for my weakness.
“JEFF”: Stifle your slackened maw, you drained and tainted bitch dog.
“BRITTA”: I’m fine with this.
“ANNIE”: Ahh!
“JEFF”: Wait! Teach me to read.
“ANNIE”: Aww.
“JEFF”: Wo...
“ANNIE”: Sound it out.
“JEFF”: Wo...Rd dog hates... Cats. "Oh reason not the need! Our basest beggars are in the poorest things superfluous."
“ANNIE”: Yes! Yes! Yes! You should be proud of how much I’ve changed you.
“JEFF”: Thank you for helping me, but I'm afraid some monsters cannot change.
“ANNIE”: No... Resist your craving! Just pick up a good book and read!
“JEFF”: Your porcelain neck, in the light of the full moon, too appetizing.
“ANNIE”: Unfortunate... For you. You see, some monsters cannot change. But others can.
“JEFF”: What is this?
“ANNIE”: I’m a werewolf that feeds on selfish vampires. [GROWLS]
ANNIE: And she ripped into his torso, like a gerbil shredding a quaker oats box, sending chunks of viscera and an aerosol mist of blood all over the skanky concubine. Then, she flossed her teeth with his tendons. And, because he was a vampire, he lived through all of it. He had to watch her swallow his last eyeball. She kept it attached to the optic nerve, so he could see down her throat, to his own partially digested flesh in...Her...Stomach. See? There was a twist.
[OMINOUS TONE]

JEFF: Wow, Annie. I didn't know you were such a fan of... gore.
ANNIE: It's Halloween. If you're gonna tell a scary story, give it some texture.
Wasn't that great.
BRITTA: Well, your texture was so discompassionately macabre, as if without the slightest regard for human life.
TROY: That's enough. Stop pinning ribbons to her. Why does Annie get to be good at everything? You guys wanna hear a real, legit scary story?
“TROY”: Hello? Is there anyone here? I need help. Oh, thank God. An old doctor. Me and my partner are top g*n fighter pilots, the best of the best.
“ABED”: [WEAKLY] Pew pew pew.
“TROY”: Our F-*5 went down in the woods.
“PIERCE”: I thought I heard something awesome out there. Please, come in, for first aids and what have you.
“ABED”: Mmm, drinks from a stranger.
“TROY”: So medical. Thank you.
“PIERCE”: Wakey-wakey.
“TROY”: What's going on?
“PIERCE”: This cabin is my lab, where I do weird experiments on people. Look!
“TROY & ABED”: Noo! Forced to be together forever!
“PIERCE”: I sewed you together. I totally sewed you together! [TROY & ABED SCREAM]
“TROY”: Abed! Now that we're sewn together, do we have E.S.P.?
“ABED”: Yes! We're psychic now. We can destroy him with mind powers.
“PIERCE”: Oh!
“TROY”: You tried to destroy us...
“ABED”: But you only made us...
“BOTH”: More awesome!
“PIERCE”: No! I'm legit jealous.
“TROY”: Now you are the subject.
“PIERCE: What? What? Tell me more.
“ABED”: We sewed your butt to your chest! Ha!
“PIERCE”: Noo! Wait. Ha! You fools! By sewing my butt to my chest, you've given me boobs I can touch all day.
“BOTH”: With what?
“PIERCE”: Noo! No! Noo! Nooo! Nooo! Feet hands.

PIERCE: What did I do to deserve that? Keep me out of your stupid stories.
TROY: I didn't say it was you. I said he was a crazy, old, r*cist doctor.
PIERCE: Yeah, and I'm your crazy, old, r*cist friend. I was, anyway. Now I'm not so sure.
ABED: It's just a story, Pierce.
PIERCE: Yeah? Well so is this.
[FUNKY MUSIC]
“SHIRLEY”: Come back to bed, Magnum.
“PIERCE”: In a moment, girls. I'm just enjoying an expensive, post-coital brandy.
[GIRLS WHINE]
“TROY”: Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. Whats we gots heres?
“ABED”: This is a home invasion, you jive mother.
“PIERCE”: Easy, easy, easy. Nobody has to get hurt here.
“TROY”: Yeah, that's right, h*nky. You take it real easy and give us all your expensive brandy and hubcaps. [Laughs]
“Pierce”: Okay, but...
“TROY & ABED”: Whoa. Oh, man.
“TROY”: You...are... still...relevant! Oh, my God! Unh!
“PIERCE”: Okay, I'm ready for my birthday spanking. Which of you girls knows how to count to 30?
JEFF: What... in the hell... was that?
TROY: That wasn't even a ghost story. It was like an episode of some show we're all too young to have heard of.
PIERCE: Fine! Then I chopped up both your bodies.
ABED: So that was us, and you were Magnum?
PIERCE: Still am, Pakistan. Wanna try me?
ANNIE: Guys, I think these stories are starting to get personal.
SHIRLEY: And so needlessly violent. What happened to the days when ghost stories were about good versus evil? Once upon a time...

[HEAVY METAL MUSIC]
“JEFF”: Aw, man. My dr*gs are wearing off. Who's got more?
“BRITTA”: Ha ha! Here you go, baby.
“JEFF”: All right, all right. That is my kind of pot bong.
[BUZZING]
“ANNIE”: Yo, Jango, check it out. Swarms of locusts and tornadoes of frogs.
“BRITTA”: I don't care. I lived in New York. [ALL SCREAM] Ugh! It's like New York out there.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: We interrupt your death metal to bring you some heavy news. All the good christians got raptured up to heaven, so if you're hearing this, the good news is you're the coolest people in the world.
“ALL”: Yes!
RADIO ANNOUNCER: The bad news is the world is over. This is NPR.
“JEFF”: Aw, man. End of days? Could anything suck harder than this?
“DEAN PELTON”: Hel-lo! Devil here. Just popping by with a little damnation orientation. Here's the sched. At 10:00, you'll be buried neck-deep in scorpions. 11:15, lava enemas, followed by pilates.
“ALL”: Oh. That's good. I like pilates.
DEAN PELTON: “Pilates is a demon that eats your genitals.
[ALL SCREAM]
DEAN PELTON: But first, stabby-stabby. Ah! [MOCKINGLY] For whom do ye cry out? All the good people are gone!
“JEFF”: Whoa! Look! It's our friend we used to pick on for being Christian. Oh, she looks great.
“DEAN PELTON”: [SCREAMING] A righteous wind blows! Off to pilates!
“BRITTA”: Thank you for saving us, Shirley. I mean, your name's not Shirley, this is a story about strangers. Anyhoo, can you take us to heaven now, please?
“SHIRLEY”: Ooh, I cannot. I just came to say good-bye on my way to Abraham's bosom. Bye. I forgive you.
[CHAINSAW REVVING]
“DEAN PELTON”: Gay marriage!
SHIRLEY: And he chainsawed them to bits! Then he put 'em back together. And then he chainsawed them again! Forever.
PIERCE: Where was Jeff in that story? And why was my name Jango?

TROY: Shirley, that wasn't a horror story. That was a sermon. You ruined a Britta party. That's like letting poop spoil.
BRITTA: No! Wait! No! No one can leave until we figure this out.
PIERCE: Figure what out?
BRITTA: Long story short, those psych tests I made you take came back. Turns out one of you is probably a homicidal maniac.
ANNIE: That's stupid.
BRITTA: I have a responsibility, as a practitioner of the mental arts, to figure out which one of you is sick, and get you the treatment you need. You're a danger to yourself and others in your current state.
PIERCE: We've known each other for two years. None of us are murderers.
BRITTA: No, but one of you has the potential. If we leave here now, do you know what might happen?
[SCREAMING]
ANNIE: Britta, what are you describing? What? Who has those images like that in their head?
ABED: Probably the same kind of person that would make us tell ghost stories in order to secretly study our minds.
BRITTA: I'm just worried that one of you--
TROY: One of us? You took that test too, right?
BRITTA: What? What are you saying? [GASPS] Oh, my God! What if it is me?
[ANXIOUS VOICES]
ANNIE: Wait. This is crazy! We're getting freaked out because it's Halloween, we just need to settle down.
[THUNDER, ALL SCREAM]
TROY: I'll k*ll you!
PIERCE: You don't want to be barium sulfated!
BRITTA: Get away from here!
ANNIE: Stay back, psychos! Or I’ll slit your throats and bathe in your blood.
JEFF: Whoa! What has happened to all of you?
TROY: You heard all the stories. Anyone here could be a...Psycho!
JEFF: Thinking that is what's psycho. Here, I have a story that I think might help. Whee! Cheers. [All screaming]
“JEFF”: Whoa, whoa. Wait! Before you do anything, tell us why you k*ll people.
“CHANG”: Fear. I k*ll because I'm afraid. Somebody, please, give me a hug.
“ALL”: Aww! Get in here. Love hugs. Love hugs. Let it out. It's okay?
JEFF: You're welcome.
PIERCE: That was the gayest crap I've ever heard in my life.
TROY: Yeah, Jeff. What the hell? Why are you always so determined to have us relax and put down our weapons?
BRITTA: Maybe he's a remorseless madman with no empathy, who eludes detection by manipulating others.
ANNIE: Yeah, Jeff. Maybe we should go through your test answers one by one.
JEFF: Eh, doesn't matter. I filled mine out randomly.
Oh, come on. What?
BRITTA: You idiot! That was probably the test that returned the psychotic result!
JEFF: Hmm. Maybe.
ANNIE: Well, what kind of sociopath doesn't offer that information, like, an hour ago?
JEFF: No, no. I'm no sociopath. I always know what I'm doing is wrong. I'm just a guy that doesn't like taking tests, doing work, or getting yelled at. So if you think about it, that makes me the sanest person here.
PIERCE: Boo!
[ALL BOO]
BRITTA: Is this your test or what?
JEFF: How should I know? It's just a bunch of bubbles.
ANNIE: Wait! Give me those. Why are the scores on the bottoms of the sheets? They should- Britta, look at the arrow. You ran these through the machine upside-down.
ABED: She Britta'd it.
BRITTA: Whatever. I'll run them through again. And you guys are gonna stop using my name to mean "making a tiny and understandable mistake."
[THUNDER]

PIERCE: So we're all insane.
ANNIE: Well, except for this person.
JEFF: Is that one mine?
TROY: We should probably figure it out, right? If one of us isn't crazy, it's only fair that the rest of us know who they are.
SHIRLEY: Or we could hold on to the comforting notion t-that any one of us m-might be sane. Yeah. Okay.
BRITTA: We learned an important lesson tonight. We should never make the Britta of Britta-ing each other's feelings.
PIERCE: You're using it wrong.
JEFF: Wow. You Britta'd "Britta'd."
ABED: Yeah, way to pull an Abed.
SHIRLEY: I don't get it.
JEFF: Shirley, don't Pierce.
PIERCE: I don't get it.

“PIERCE”: Guys, it's been three days! When are you gonna let me go? At least say something! Guys? Guys!
“ABED”: Should we let him go?
“TROY”: Hmm...Let me think. Nah. More Brandy?
“ABED”: Don't mind if I do.
“TROY”: Mmm...That's terrible.
“ABED”: Should we get back in our F-*5 that we repaired with our mind power?
“TROY”: I was thinking the same thing!
“BOTH”: I know! Jinx! Double jinx! Triple jinx! [LAUGH] ♪ Troy and Abed sewn together ♪
[THUNDER]

Edited and corrected by: Geneva