03x07 - Studies In Modern Movement

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***COLD OPEN***

(Scene: Annie’s apartment. Britta and Annie are packing up Annie’s things in cardboard boxes.)

BRITTA: I’m so glad you're moving out of this neighborhood, Annie. Some dude peed on my car while I was parking it.

ANNIE: Oh, you met Spaghetti! Yeah, I won't miss him.

BRITTA: Speaking of missing people, how did Jeff dodge this b*llet... (looks up at Annie and corrects herself) Of friendship?

ANNIE: He said he was under the weather.

BRITTA: Pshaw!

ANNIE: Thanks for helping. Can you imagine how much fun this is gonna be? Me living with Troy and Abed?

BRITTA: (picking up a stuffed bunny to pack) Yeah, there'll be a honeymoon phase, but it won't be long till you hate their guts. (Baby voice) What's this wittle guy's name?

ANNIE: I’ll never hate Troy and Abed.

BRITTA: Oh, my God, I forgot. You're 20. Don't worry, it’s natural. When you become roommates with friends, the things you love about them become the things that make you want to smother them with a pillow.

ANNIE: But... That's unacceptable to me.

BRITTA: Then...I'm lying?

(Annie nods vigorously, worried. The door opens and we hear fake trumpeting offscreen, coming from Abed. He enters the room with Troy, both of them wearing matching green T-shirts.)

TROY: Forgetting something?

ABED: Yeah.

(Troy pulls a real trumpet from behind his back, and Abed takes it.)

ABED: (quietly) Yes.

TROY: Hit it!

(Abed starts playing the trumpet as Troy jumps around, doing a silly dance. Annie bounces along a little, too.)

ANNIE: (to Britta) Yeah, like I'm gonna get sick of this.

ABED: (ending his trumpeting) Wh-what wh-what?

(Annie applauds and smiles.)

TROY: We're here to help you move... on the dance floor.

ABED: Nice! Tweet it!

TROY: Tweeting it.

BRITTA: What are you tweeting?

TROY: Everything. We're live tweeting Annie's move on Twitter. Hashtag #AnniesMove. (Troy and Abed both point to their T-shirts, which are emblazoned with the hashtag.)

ANNIE: How fun.

(Pierce and Shirley enter)

PIERCE: (grumpily) How was I supposed to know it was a handicap space?

SHIRLEY: Because the man in the wheelchair was yelling it!

PIERCE: Oh, yeah, and he doesn't have an agenda. (looking around; to the room at large) Hold it. Where's Winger?

ANNIE: Sick.

PIERCE: Pshaw!

BRITTA: Yeah, I'm calling him. (Does so)

(Cut to Jeff in the changing room of a clothing store. His cell phone rings, and he picks it up.)

JEFF: (fake sick voice) Hello?

BRITTA: (accusingly) So you’re sick, huh?

JEFF: That’s what they tell me.

BRITTA: Cut the wit, Winger. Where are you, The Gap or Banana Republic?

JEFF: Wow, Britta, you got me all figured out.

BRITTA: Well, I can tell you're not in bed.

JEFF: That's right, Britta. I'm pretending to be violently ill to avoid lifting a few boxes. Because I'm 13. (As he says this, he gestures for an attractive saleslady to come over to his dressing room.)

SALESLADY: And who's your primary care physician, Mr. Winger?

JEFF: Uh, Dr. Schroeder. S-c-h. (As he says this, she takes a shirt from him and hands him a scanner.) Um, do you want to see my insurance card?

SALESLADY: Please. (Jeff waves at her and gestures for her to leave, which she does.)

BRITTA: Wait, are you at a hospital?

JEFF: No, I'm at The Gap. (He beeps the scanner.) You hear that? That's not a heart monitor. It's a machine telling me I'm low on khakis.

SALESLADY: (off-screen) Dr. Tarpenian to radiology, Dr. Tarpenian.

BRITTA: Crap, I- I'm sorry. I just assumed—

JEFF: (putting the scanner on a nearby shelf) Whatever. I don't blame you. I've lied before. It's probably karma that I'm sick. But believe me, if you had what I have, you'd rather be moving boxes.

BRITTA: (contritely) Okay, feel better. Sorry.

JEFF: Yeah, I’ll see you guys on Monday. (Coughs)

(Britta hangs up)

JEFF: (to the saleslady) You are fantastic.

SALESLADY: So are you. (flirtily) What are you doing after this?

JEFF: Probably trying a couple of boot-cuts. But after that... (The saleslady looks hopeful.) Maybe, like, a blazer? (She looks disappointed.)

(Opening titles)

***ACT 1***

(Scene: Annie’s apartment. Abed, Shirley, Pierce, Annie, and Britta are all packing things up.)

ANNIE: (holding an empty tape g*n) How are we out of packing tape?

ABED: I don't know. I think I left some in the bathroom.

(He opens the bathroom door. A smiling Troy is taped to the back of it with a copious amount of packing tape. Britta gives Annie an “I-told-you-so” expression as Abed, looking in the bathroom, pretends not to notice Troy.)

ABED: (exiting the bathroom) Nope, uh, nothing in here.

ANNIE: You guys! You used all of it?

TROY: (from the back of the closed bathroom door) I had a big breakfast.

(Annie puts down the tape g*n and pulls Britta outside the apartment.)

ABED: Nice. Tweeting it!

(Annie and Britta are in the apartment hallway.)

ANNIE: (nervous) Okay, there might be a slight danger I will end up hating them.

BRITTA: (grinning) Man children... Can't live with them, can't leave them alone with your tape.

ANNIE: Britta, don't make jokes! You're bad at it! Also, I can't afford to live anywhere else, (getting increasingly panicked) and everything is riding on this, and I'm out of tape—

BRITTA: Annie, listen. Breathe. (Annie lets out a breath) When I was in Amsterdam, I met this guy who ate too many shrooms and fell out of a window at the Anne Frank house. (Annie looks confused and concerned) Oh, no, no, he's fine. The doctor said that the dr*gs made his body just limp enough to keep him from breaking his neck.

ANNIE: Britta, I don't see what your taste in men has to do with my situation.

BRITTA: What I'm saying, Annie, is that if you're gonna live with two guys like that, you've gotta learn to go limp. (shaking her body) Loosey-goosey. Shake it all up.

ANNIE: (nodding vigorously) Limp... Loosey-goosey. Okay... (shaking her body up) New Annie. Going with the flow. Loosey-goosey— (stops shaking) Is it loosey-goosey or goosey-loosey? Is that hyphenated? You know what? (starts shaking again) Don't tell me. I don't need to know. Bro…heim.

(She opens the door and starts into the apartment with her new loosey-goosey self, Britta following close behind.)

ABED: Okay, go.

(His entire head is covered in many layers of bubble wrap. Troy hits it hard with a tennis racket.)

TROY: Aah!

ABED: Didn't feel it.

ANNIE: What... a fun use you found for my (voice cracking) bubble wrap!

TROY: I know! We have to sell this to the m*llitary.

ANNIE: (shaking herself up loosey-goosey) Yeah, baby. Yah, babuh.

TROY: Here's the other tape g*n. Think fast!

(He tosses it at her; it misses and breaks a wall outlet behind her.)

ANNIE: Ooh! You broke my pluggy thing. No worries. That's what the security deposit is for. Hashtag #ThatIsAll.

PIERCE: Oh no, you're not letting some slumlord take your hard-earned money. I'll fix it. I used to do that kind of thing all the time when I was a slumlord.

ANNIE: Really, Pierce? My landlord's coming by to do the inspection at 5:00. Do you think you're gonna have it done by then?

PIERCE: Easy peasy, George and Weezie.

TROY: (exiting the room with Abed, holding a cardboard box) This is probably the last that'll fit in our car.

ANNIE: I’ll help you. (Catching sight of Britta) But not in an uptight way.

SHIRLEY: (to Britta) I’m very concerned about this living situation. I mean, I’ve seen enough episodes of Friends to know that cohabitation leads to s*x, dr*gs and something a parade magazine called Schwimmer-fatigue.

BRITTA: Good for you, Shirley. What's the saying? If you can't stop 'em, judge 'em?

SHIRLEY: Well, somebody's gotta be this group's moral compass.

BRITTA: And that somebody has to be you, right? Because by moral compass, you mean Shirley's religion.

SHIRLEY: (offended) Well...

BRITTA: (picking up her car keys) Want a ride?

SHIRLEY: Well, if this is a forecast of the conversation, I will ride with somebody else.

PIERCE: Don't worry, Shirley. Keep me company while I fix this and I’ll give you a ride over there.

(He looks up. The room is empty.)

SHIRLEY: (off-screen; running after Britta) Britta!

(Scene: Clothing store. Jeff hears a voice behind him and turns around.)

DEAN PELTON: Well, hey there, stranger!

(Pelton walks up to him, overly-pleased, adjusting a pair of sunglasses on his head and holding a large drink.)

PELTON: What a coincidence, huh? This is just like that, uh, Lake House movie. I can only assume. Even I have limits.

JEFF: (not pleased at all) Dean Pelton.

PELTON: Jeff, it's Saturday. Call me Craig. Off campus, I'm just a craigular Joe. Ooh, what'd you get? (feeling Jeff’s shirt over his abs) Ah, now I feel like I have to head back out there.

JEFF: Dean—uh, Craig, it's nice to see you but I actually have to run. (walks away)

PELTON: Oh, yeah, you're probably heading to help Annie move. Right? (Jeff turns around, frowning) Oh, I follow Troy and Abed on Twitter. Looks like Annie's moving and you're... (consulting his phone) Sick at the hospital? Curious. (raising his eyebrows) I might head there myself. I could tell them you said hi.

JEFF: I’d rather you didn't.

PELTON: Well, maybe I won't have time. Especially if we're doing... Lunch?

(He sucks on the straw of his drink for a long time without breaking eye contact as Jeff glares at him.)

(Scene: Britta’s car. Britta is driving with Shirley in the passenger seat and a bunch of Annie’s boxes in the back.)

BRITTA: (to Shirley) Yeah, but your religion isn't the same as morality. And calling me amoral because I'm atheistic is religious persecution.

SHIRLEY: How can I religiously persecute you? You don't have a religion.

BRITTA: (exaggerated) Oh, look! A hitchhiker. A person in need. Oh, my God. What am I doing? I'm pulling over to help him out.

SHIRLEY: (urgently) Do not help him out.

BRITTA: Why, because it proves the existence of secular morality?

SHIRLEY: No, because he looks stinky.

BRITTA: Judge not, Shirley. Judge not. (She gestures the hitchhiker inside.)

HITCHHIKER: I really appreciate it, thank you.

BRITTA: Where are you headed, fellow human?

HITCHHIKER: Riverside Falls?

SHIRLEY: That's 40 minutes away!

BRITTA: Oh, I guess I'm just a really good person.

HITCHHIKER: I knew you were. I could see the kindness in your faces. (Britta smiles smugly) I assume you've both accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and savior?

(Britta’s smile fades as Shirley’s grows huge.)

SHIRLEY: (slowly, to Britta, savoring it) Oh, that's nice!

(Scene: Annie’s apartment. Pierce is jamming a screwdriver into Annie’s wall outlet, trying to fix it. It sparks.)

PIERCE: Ow!

(He lets go of the screwdriver and it pierces, no pun intended, the wall behind him. Electricity sizzles along the wires in the apartment wall, leaving noticeable black singe marks, until finally it shorts out a light.)

PIERCE: Needed a coat of paint anyway.

(Scene: Troy and Abed’s apartment. Troy, Abed, and Annie enter, all carrying cardboard boxes.)

ABED: Welcome, Annie, to your new home.

(Annie smiles. They put down their boxes.)

ABED: Okay... (pointing around) To reacquaint you, there's the bathroom, kitchen, and, of course, our bedroom. And if the room's a rockin’, please come a-knockin' because there's something probably terribly wrong.

TROY: Yeah, we're pretty chill in there.

ABED: Mm-hmm. Now let's go see your room.

(They lead her to the middle of the living room as Annie giggles, then stop. Annie looks, perplexed, at something off-screen.)

ANNIE: What's that?

(Star Wars blankets and curtains hang from the ceiling, cordoning off part of the living room.)

ABED: (gesturing to the blankets) That is your room.

ANNIE: You said this was a two-bedroom.

TROY: It is. One (points to his and Abed’s room), two (points to blankets). Yours is a blanket fort.

ABED: An awesome blanket fort. But still highly flammable, so no candles.

TROY: What do you think?

ANNIE: (trying to shake herself up loosey-goosey, but noticeably more tremulous) Tweet it?

TROY AND ABED: (in unison) Tweeting it!

(Troy takes a cellphone picture of Annie’s weak smile.)

***ACT 2***

(Scene: Troy, Abed, and Annie’s apartment, in front of the blanket fort.)

ABED: I am not surprised you're so taken aback. This apartment is where dreams come true. (Opens blanket fort)

TROY: We spent our whole lives being told that blanket forts are only for special occasions, like sleepovers or when uncles die. But that's a lie, Annie. You can live in a fort of blankets all day, every night.

ANNIE: (still pretending to be happy) It's so awesome. I'm surprised you guys haven't chosen to live in one.

ABED: Well, we'll be spending enough time in yours. I mean, it's where we're gonna watch TV. (Troy and Abed both point to the TV in Annie’s blanket fort.)

ANNIE: Right. (Walks away, still trying to shake herself up, but then notices something and points to it.) Uh, what's that door over there? That's not a bedroom?

ABED & TROY: (in unison) No. Oh, no, no, no.

ANNIE: Is it a linen closet?

TROY: Something like that. What's a linen closet?

(Annie looks pained.)

(Scene: A Mexican restaurant.)

JEFF: (monotone) A siesta salad and an iced tea.

WAITER: Excelente. (to the other person at the table) And for you?

(The person at the other side of the table is Dean Pelton. He looks at Jeff expectantly.)

PELTON: Ahem.

JEFF: (opens his menu) The gentleman...

PELTON: (sounding flattered) Oh...

JEFF: …will have a top notch-os and a watermelon Margarita.

PELTON: Thank you, Jeffrey. (The waiter takes their menus and walks away.) So, any brothers or sisters?

JEFF: (to the waiter) And we'll take the check too.

PELTON: Oh! What's the rush?

JEFF: We're eating lunch, and then I'm leaving.

PELTON: Okay. I just hope that I don't bump into your study group on Monday. And I pray they don't ask me who I saw at the mall on Saturday. (Jeff furrows his brow) Because, unlike a certain someone, I just don't think I could lie to those sweet people.

JEFF: (low voice) Dean, this is blackmail.

PELTON: Ah! Call me Craig. And call blackmail "a day at the mall with Craig." Because that's all I require, Jeffrey. You and I are going to have some fun. And create a few memories. And I suggest you get into it. Because that counts.

(A mariachi band approaches.)

MARIACHI TRUMPET PLAYER: A song for the señor, señor?

JEFF: (exhales slowly) Adiós, amores.

(The band begins to play.)

PELTON: Oh, what a surprise.

(Pleased, he eats a chip from the table.)

(Scene: Annie’s apartment. Pierce has a can of paint for the wall.)

PIERCE: (straining to open the can) Mmm!

(He finally opens it, but it spills all over the floor.)

PIERCE: (quietly) Jeez.

(He gets a wooden spoon that’s been holding up a window; the ruler that’s been holding up the other end begins to bend under the weight. He tries to use the spoon to get the paint back in the can. Failing that, he grabs a paint roller and tries to evenly distribute the paint across the wooden floor. In the background, the ruler snaps and the window slams shut. We get a close-up of the paint can, which reads: “HAZARDOUS FUMES.”)

PIERCE: This is…This is actually quite calming for some reason….

(Scene: Britta’s car. The hitchhiker is still in the back.)

HITCHHIKER: And that's when I realized I had to forgive them.

SHIRLEY: (moved nearly to tears) That's a beautiful story. So inspiring how he came to find the Lord. Isn't it, Britta?

BRITTA: (sarcastically) Yeah, yeah.

HITCHHIKER: Well, I didn't exactly have to find the lord. He was inside me.

SHIRLEY: (enthusiastically) Amen! What's your name, friend?

HITCHHIKER: Jesus.

SHIRLEY: Oh. Are you Latino?

HITCHHIKER: No, my child. I am him.

SHIRLEY: You're what now?

HITCHHIKER: I am the one true son of God. I was sent here to save humanity.

(Shirley’s smile fades as Britta’s grows huge.)

SHIRLEY: Oh, no.

BRITTA: Well, it is a pleasure to have you in my car, Jesus.

SHIRLEY: Britta, stop. It's not funny now.

BRITTA: Hey Jesus, just curious, what's your position on marijuana?

HITCHHIKER: It was given to us by God. It should be legal.

BRITTA: Oh, that's nice.

(Shirley shakes her head, looking dismayed.)

(Scene: Troy and Abed’s apartment. Annie is trying to customize her blanket-fort room by hanging up her Intercollegiate Debate League certificate on one of the blankets, but the blanket tears and it falls. She turns away, sadly.)

TROY: (off-screen) Hear me, hear me!

(Trumpeting is heard off-screen. Annie turns, curiously, to a wall of her blanket fort that’s lit up from behind. Troy and Abed are holding up shadow puppets behind it.)

ABED: (off-screen) Presenting the real-life fairy tale of how Princess Annie (holds up a princess shadow puppet) was saved from Bad Neighborhood Forest (they hold up puppets of buildings and trees) by Woodsman Troy. (They hold up a woodsman puppet. Annie begins to smile as she watches the show.) And Bebad, his emotionally unavailable unicorn. (He holds up a unicorn puppet and neighs. Annie laughs.)

TROY: Brought to you by the girl-yogurt Jamie Lee Curtis uses to poop. (He makes a fart noise with his mouth.)

ABED: There's a package of it in the fridge as a welcoming gift. (They lower the shadow puppets.)

TROY: Now, once upon a time there was a beautiful princess named Annie. (Holds up the princess shadow puppet and makes her “speak” in a high-pitched voice.) Hi.

ABED: Who was harassed every day by Count Spaghetti. (They hold up puppets of a crazy-looking guy and a syringe, repeatedly “injecting” the syringe puppet into the crazy guy puppet’s arm. Abed makes Count Spaghetti do a villainous laugh.) The evil cracksmith who lived outside of her building.

(Annie, cheered up now, sits down on some pillows in her fort to watch the show.)

(Scene: Karaoke place with a green-screen. Dean Pelton and Jeff enter.)

PELTON: Whoa! I just stand here? (to Jeff, off-screen) Oh, come on, Jeffrey. Get in here! (Jeff reluctantly enters; Pelton gives him a microphone.) This is gonna be fun! Or else. So we just punch in the numbers?

KARAOKE PLACE ATTENDANT: (off-screen) That's right.

PELTON: (punching in four numbers) Okay, you know this one, Jeff. We've sang it a thousand times together in my mind.

(Kiss From A Rose starts playing, and the background becomes a badly-greenscreened beach at sunset.)

PELTON: Huh, huh? (Jeff is silent.) Oh come on, Jeffrey. Make or break time. Unless you want to be back here next Saturday.

(Jeff reluctantly raises the microphone to his mouth.)

JEFF: (singing) ♪ ♪ ♪ There used to be a graying tower alone on the sea… ♪ ♪ ♪

PELTON: (singing passionately) ♪ ♪ ♪ You became the light on this dark side of me ♪ ♪ ♪

(The song continues playing as we cut to Pierce in Annie’s apartment. The floor is now completely covered in wet paint, and Pierce, high on paint fumes, is passed out on the floor making snow angels in it. We cut to Pierce’s mind, where he’s hallucinating that a much younger version of himself is playing piano, surrounded by attractive hula dancers.)

(As the song continues playing, we cut to Troy, Abed, and Annie’s apartment. The puppet show is still going; Troy and Abed are beatboxing under a scene of Princess Annie, Woodsman Troy, and Bebad the Emotionally Unavailable Unicorn. Annie laughs at the show.)

(Cut back to the karaoke place, where Jeff and Dean Pelton are both singing now, with more greenscreened backgrounds behind them.)

JEFF AND DEAN PELTON: (in unison) ♪ ♪ ♪ And now that your rose is in bloom, a light hits the gloom on the gray! ♪ ♪ ♪

(Cut to Britta’s car, where the hitchhiker is playing a guitar and singing. Britta is jamming out to his song; Shirley looks uncomfortable.)

HITCHHIKER: ♪ ♪ ♪ Jesus loves marijuana! Jesus loves marijuana! ♪ ♪ ♪

BRITTA: Amen!

(Cut back to Pierce’s hallucination, where the hula-dancers are still dancing.)

SINGING VOICE (OFF-SCREEN): ♪ ♪ ♪ Jesus loves marijuana! ♪ ♪ ♪

(And back to Britta’s car, where the hitchhiker continues to sing.)

HITCHHIKER: ♪ ♪ ♪ —And drinking human blood, oh! ♪ ♪ ♪

(This makes Britta’s eyes widen. She and Shirley look over at each other, unnerved.)

(Back to the karaoke bar, Jeff and Dean Pelton are both singing passionately now.)

JEFF AND DEAN PELTON: (in unison) ♪ ♪ ♪ Baby, I compare you to a kiss from the rose on a gray! Ooh, the more I get of you, the stranger it feels, yeah! ♪ ♪ ♪

(Cut back to Troy, Abed, and Annie’s apartment. The puppet show is finishing, and Annie looks touched.)

JEFF AND DEAN PELTON: (singing, off-screen) ♪ ♪ ♪ Now that your rose is in bloom… ♪ ♪ ♪

(Cut back to Pierce’s hallucination, still with hula-dancers.)

(The song finishes as we cut back to the karaoke place.)

JEFF AND DEAN PELTON: ♪ ♪ ♪ …a light hits the gloom on the gray! ♪ ♪ ♪

(The song ends and the background turns back to a regular green screen as both of them chuckle.)

PELTON: Ah! That was great.

JEFF: Yeah, might have been a little fun.

PELTON: Ah! See? And you emailed your therapist that you wanted to be alone this weekend. (Chuckles)

(Jeff’s smile fades as he looks over at Pelton.)

JEFF: What?

PELTON: (innocently) Hmm?

(Scene: Britta’s car. Britta and Shirley both look unnerved and annoyed now.)

HITCHHIKER: (tuning his guitar) Thank you. Thank you very much. Now, with your permission, I’d like to sing a little song about race-mixing. This one's called "Don't You Do It."

(Shirley and Britta look over at each other in unison, then Britta slams on the brakes.)

SHIRLEY AND BRITTA: (in unison) Get out!

(The hitchhiker leaves the car. Britta looks over at Shirley with sympathy as she whimpers.)

(Scene: Annie’s apartment. The landlord enters, but looks around in concern at the paint-stained floor and a high-as-a-kite Pierce humming and tapping on two stacked cardboard boxes like a piano.)

PIERCE: (turning to the landlord) Ah, good evening, senator. Any requests?

(The landlord squints in confusion.)

(Scene: Karaoke place.)

PELTON: What do you want to do next? I paid for a full hour, so—

JEFF: (angrily) I email my therapist from my Greendale account. The same account where I received an email from physique25 telling me about today's sale. Is that why you're at the mall? You read student emails?

PELTON: Oh, oh, now the Patriot Act says I can do it, Jeffrey... Technically. Need I remind you the nation is at w*r— (Jeff knocks the microphone out of his hand.) Ow!

JEFF: (livid) I’ll k*ll you.

PELTON: No, Jeffrey, no! (Jeff begins to chase after him.) Jeffrey, Jeffrey come on! Just remember, we were making memories!

(Sailing begins playing on the karaoke machine, and greenscreened backgrounds come up behind Jeff and Dean Pelton as they fight.)

PELTON: No, Jeffrey, no! Aah! No, Jeffrey! No, no, it's too violent! You're scaring me! Don't let the t*rrorists win!

***ACT 3***

(Scene: Troy, Abed, and Annie’s apartment. The puppet show is ending; Troy and Abed are making the Princess Annie, Woodsman Troy, and Bebad puppets dance around.)

ABED: And then the three of them lived happily ever after!

TROY AND ABED: Woo!

ABED: And Bebad became the Little Dipper. (He makes the Bebad puppet neigh as Annie laughs.)

TROY: The end. (High-pitched voice, as Princess Annie puppet) Kiss me, woodsman Troy! (The puppets kiss.) Mwah!

(Annie claps happily, then exits the blanket fort.)

ANNIE: You guys! Living here is gonna be fun all the time. (Troy and Abed nod, smiling.) Let's make the entire apartment a fort. I'll get more blankets!

(She runs to the unmarked door from before, only to look around in confusion. The room is completely painted dark, with straight lines of yellow tape in a grid covering all four walls and the floor. It’s reminiscent of the Holodeck on Star Trek: The Next Generation. Abed and Troy join her inside the room.)

ABED: This is a space we reserved for virtual adventures. Like a playroom, but it only works in our minds.

TROY: We call it the Dreamatorium.

ANNIE: But...it's a bedroom.

TROY: No, no. There's only two bedrooms, including the blanket fort. (smiling) This is the...

TROY AND ABED: (in unison) Dreamatorium.

ANNIE: (quietly) All day, I’ve been jumping through hoops to fit in. Including the literal hoops you put in front of the toilet.

TROY: (pumping his fist) Yes.

ANNIE: (voice rising in volume & pitch) And you guys are hoarding this second bedroom as some kind of playroom? And making me sleep on a pile of laundry?

TROY: Hey, we worked hard on that. And it's a blanket fort.

ANNIE: (yelling) It's an asylum for half-witted children!

(Abed and Troy look stung.)

ANNIE: As the only adult in this apartment, I am making an ultimatum. Me or this…stupid Dreamatorium.

ABED: Dreamatorium is non-negotiable. Read the lease.

TROY: Especially the part we added in crayon.

ABED: You don't wanna take this to court.

TROY: Trust us, this place can be a courtroom in the blink of an eye.

(Abed snaps his fingers.)

ANNIE: This doesn't work for me. From the minute I joined the study group I've been worried about how uptight I am and how I'm no fun. And then I was worried that I wouldn't fit in here or be able to hang with you guys. But you know what? Why don't you ever ask yourselves whether you can hang with me? Why am I always the one that has to adapt? I'm sick of this crap! Enjoy your stupid Dreamatorium. (Storms off)

TROY: (calling after her) We will! Because this is our apartment too! And just because we're awesome doesn't mean we're not adults! (Slams the door)

ABED: (pulling out a small tin box) Candy cigarette?

TROY: I don't want a candy cigarette. I want our Annie.

ABED: (quietly) Yeah, we blew it.

(Troy grabs the box from him and gets out a candy cigarette.)

TROY: I picked the wrong week to quit.

(Scene: Annie’s apartment. The landlord is giving Pierce a glass of water on top of his cardboard boxes; Pierce’s clothes are stained with paint. Annie walks in and looks around.)

ANNIE: (dismayed) What the hell is this?

LANDLORD: In security deposit terms, it's a gold mine. And you're lucky it's only gonna cost you money. (gesturing to Pierce) Your friend nearly k*lled himself.

ANNIE: (near tears) Yeah, that's me. Lucky Annie.

(Pierce takes a drink from the glass of water.)

PIERCE: I’m really sorry, Annie. I had some island girls over and one of them must have slipped me a Mickey.

ANNIE: I’m just glad you're okay. (walking over to him) You can pay me back by helping me get all my stuff from Troy and Abed's.

PIERCE: You're moving again? How long was I out? Is Napster still a thing?

ANNIE: You've been out long enough for me to realize that I'm gonna need to keep living alone. (sits down beside him) Come on. Let's get you cleaned up.

(As she’s next to him, Pierce leans in for a kiss. Annie jumps up and draws back, shocked and offended.)

ANNIE: Oh, what the hell?

PIERCE: I have brain damage. Nothing I do counts.

(Annie sighs.)

(Scene: Troy and Abed’s apartment. Pierce and Annie walk in.)

ANNIE: Where is all my stuff? Troy, Abed?

(She opens the door to Troy and Abed’s bedroom—to find it beautifully decorated with all her things: her own bed, pink table lamps, flower and butterfly decals on the walls, etc. Troy, Abed, Britta, and Shirley, are inside, smiling proudly.)

ABED: It's all yours.

(Annie looks around, shocked.)

TROY: We're sorry. Sometimes we get stuck in our own little world. (Abed nods in agreement) And then in that world, we make even littler worlds. And sometimes there are tunnels between those worlds. Or a subway. One time a snake—We're sorry. Do you like it?

ANNIE: Of course, I do. It's perfect. (She runs to hug Troy and Abed.) I mean, I can rearrange the throw pillows. You have them arranged by size instead of color, but—

ABED: (to Shirley) What did I say?

ANNIE: But what about the Dreamatorium?

ANNIE: Oh, it's staying. The Dreamatorium is more important than any of us. But you're more important than our bedroom, so we put the bunk bed in the blanket fort.

PIERCE: This is all gay code.

ANNIE: (smiling tearfully) You sure I'm worth it?

TROY: Yeah, there's a couple of things that we were hoping that you'd help us with.

ABED: Yes, like where does the water go in the iron?

TROY: And what's the iron for?

ABED: And what gets out Kool-Aid stains?

TROY: Yeah, we already know that the opposite color Kool-Aid doesn't work.

ABED: Also, Troy scraped me when we were fork-jousting last week and I don't think it's healing right.

(He raises his shirt to show Annie the wound. Annie gives a start of disgust.)

BRITTA: Ew!

ANNIE: Oh, Abed, that's infected.

TROY: Infected! That's the word I was looking for!

(Jeff enters the room.)

JEFF: Hi, guys.

(They all turn to him.)

ANNIE: I thought you were sick.

JEFF: I was...n't. I kind of made it up to get out of helping.

BRITTA: Oh, that's okay.

JEFF: It is?

BRITTA: Yeah, it is. Oh, hey, Jeff, did you know that when it snows my eyes become large?

ALL EXCEPT JEFF AND ANNIE: (in unison) ♪ ♪ ♪ And the light that you shine can be seen! ♪ ♪ ♪

JEFF: (scandalized) He tweeted it? (checks his phone)

(Everyone begins to surround Jeff, loudly singing Kiss From A Rose.)

ALL: ♪ ♪ ♪ Baby! ♪ ♪ ♪

JEFF: (crying out to the heavens in agony) He tweeted it!!!

ALL: ♪ ♪ ♪ I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray! ♪ ♪ ♪

(The actual song fades in as the camera pans up to the night sky above, with an oversized moon.)

MUSIC: ♪ ♪ ♪ And now that your rose is in bloom…a light hits the gloom on the gray! ♪ ♪ ♪

(The image of Dean Pelton’s face fades in on top of the moon, singing the words to the song. As the song ends, he looks at the camera and gives us a wink.)

***TAG***

(Scene: Troy, Abed, and Annie’s apartment. Another shadow puppet show in the blanket fort.)

ABED: Oh, look out, asteroids! (moving small “asteroid” puppets around the Annie, Troy, and Abed puppets)

TROY: That was close. Thanks for getting us to Planet Greendalia safely, Horsebot 3000. (Holds up a puppet of a ringed planet.)

(Abed whinnies as Horsebot 3000)

ANNIE: Oh, no! Greendalia has been overrun by evil King Blorgon! (Holds up alien planet.)

ABED: (as King Blorgon) Look out, Troyborg!

ANNIE: (“sh**t out” lightning bolt puppets) Pew pew pew!

(The Horsebot 3000 puppet takes the sh*ts.)

ABED: Ah! I'm dead. (lowers the puppet)

TROY: Horsebot 3000, no! I love you!

(Cut to a sh*t of Britta and Jeff, watching the show. Jeff is drinking straight from the bottle.)

ABED: (in evil voice) I am King Blorgon. And my plan is to blow up the world! Your lasers are useless against me!

TROY: Aim for his butt. It's his only weakness.

(Lightning bolt puppets get aimed at the King Blorgon puppet’s butt.)

ANNIE: Pew pew!

TROY: Bam bam!

ABED: Aah! (The King Blorgon puppet “dies” and he lowers it.)

ANNIE: We did it! Peace and tranquility have been restored to Greendalia.

TROY: And all thanks to Horsebot 3000. (wistfully) He belongs to the stars now.

(Abed holds up the Horsebot 3000 puppet in the sky above the others and neighs. Cut back to Britta in the audience.)

BRITTA: All right, five more minutes and we should probably put a stop to this, right?

(She looks over at Jeff, who—to her surprise—is crying.)

BRITTA: Jeff, are you—

JEFF: (choked up) I liked Horsebot 3000.


Submitted and corrected by: Maya B.