03x09 - Foosball and Nocturnal Vigilantism

[bunniefuu]

Happy Friday, everybody. What are you doing this weekend?

The question is, who am I doing this weekend?

He's asking because he's already forgotten.

It's nobody.

I'm volunteering at the animal hospital.

Aw.

Animal hospital?

The animals are the patients.

That makes sense.

Yeah, Dr. Zizmor's letting me work off the cost of Daniel's eye surgery.

Wait. You won't spend money on a name-brand phone, but you got lasik for your geriatric cat?

He only has the one eye, Jeff.

I can't exactly buy him a cat monocle, can I?

It's pretentious.

And for your information, this is a totorola.

[Men cheering loudly]

Troy and I will be having a very special Saturday night, as in Dark Knight.

It came! Our limited-edition, $299 Dark Knight DVD with bonus footage, special commentary, and a Christian Bale autograph, including a personalized message of up to four words!

"Abed is Batman now, Christian Bale."

It's official.

From the man himself.

May I have that back, Annie? Thank you.

And just to clarify, if you see this lying out, I'm still using it, so you don't have to take it to the kitchen, dump it out, and wash the bowl.

Is this about your buttered noodles?

I didn't say that. [Men shouting]

Yes!

Into your face!

Your tears reveal your weakness!

What is it with those tools and foosball?

They've been at it for weeks.

I think they're European.

It's probably a more important game over there.

Foosball's like the soccer of ping-pong.

[Men chanting]

I can't take it anymore.

Oh, Jeffrey, let them be.

Gentlemen, my name is Clarence Thaddeus Foos.

My grandfather, Fletcher Morton Foos, Now it has.

The game of foosball is completed.

You're free to return to your undoubtedly hearing-impaired families.

[German accent] Tell you what, we'll stop playing, if you can score a point on us.

Tempting, but then wouldn't I be playing foosball?

And, if so, how would I not be a loud, weird knob?

[German accent] Free sh*t.

I'm not even touching the foosenschaften.

Sorry, luftballons. I'm above it.

[Men cheering] Boo-yah!

I wish there was a word to describe the pleasure I feel at viewing misfortune.

'Tis the face of a broken man.

Jeff. Smile. [Electrical popping]

Uh, uh...

Ooh!

They, uh, -- they come in a six-pack.

♪ Give me some more time in a dream ♪
♪ give me the hope to run out of steam ♪
♪ somebody said we could be here ♪
♪ we could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year ♪
♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪
♪ one by one they all just fade away ♪

Oh-- [Breathes deeply]

Buttered noodles.

I'm allowed to throw out the dust, right?

Yeah.

[Crunch]

[Gasps]

[Troy humming]

What's wrong?

I-I...

[Gasps]

Why?

I stepped on it.

Why?

I was dusting the tv.

Why?

I can run out and get a new one before he gets home.

Oh, sure, Annie.

And--and then we just have to record fake exclusive commentary by Christian Bale.

Go ahead, you first.

[Gravelly voice] This scene was a special challenge to all involved--

Stop it!

That's not a real option!

The disc is irreplaceably awesome!

[Normal voice] What if we got a different disc, and--

Annie, do you know how many sitcoms have done the "secretly replace a broken, priceless item" thing?

'Cause Abed does.

Abed knows everything, and I know you think you can think your way out of this with your "thinkiness," but don't think too much.

You just have to confess.

Okay?

Okay.

[Humming sadly]

[Gravelly voice] We sh*t this scene on location--

[Normal voice] Okay, he's right. It won't work.

[Ball rattling]

Jeffrey? What--what are you doing?

Hmm? Oh.

You know, I just thought...

Next time those deutsche-bags try to show off, maybe I can catch them by surprise.

Jeff, you don't need to worry what foreigners think about you.

That's your birthright as an American.

[Sighs] Okay...

Small confession.

I used to love foosball.

It was a great after-school game for a lonely kid with no dad-- you know, just masculine enough without having to know how to throw or catch.

I have seen you throw.

And it was fun...

Till I started getting bullied by people like those Germans.

So I quit.

Well, you did the right thing.

Foosball is a vile game for vile people.

Shirley, you wouldn't get it. It's a guy thing.

It's not a fresh-baked-pie thing.

Well, I might get it a little.

[Grunts angrily]

You don't know me.

Ho...Ly...Crap.

All right, I think I figured out the viewing order-- original version, director's cut, director's cut with commentary, and then original version cool-down.

Yeah, we'll see.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God, you guys.

We've been robbed!

[Weeping]

Oh, man.

I can't believe we got robbed.

Shirley, Shirley.

You have to teach me.

Please, help me b*at those evil power krauts.

Don't you get it, Jeff?

They're not evil people that are good at foosball.

They are good at foosball because they're evil.

It's an evil game that brings out the worst in us, like--like out-of-town weddings where the reception's in the same place as everybody's rooms?

Great. After three years of religious advice and carb-laden pastries, you finally have one thing I actually need, and--

I'm sorry.

Um, that was rude.

[Sighs] It--it shouldn't be so important to me.

I'll, uh... I'll see you Monday.

Jeff...

Tomorrow, dawn-- be in the student lounge.

Shirley, you are the best.

Dear lord, please forgive me.

And please have mercy on him.

The stakes have never been higher.

Shut up, Leonard.

I found your YouTube page.

What's the point in reviewing frozen pizza?

You're talking about it.

Well, that is true.

Now, Jeffrey...

The key to winning foosball is to tap into your darkness, so I need you to promise you won't judge the side of me that might come out.

Shirley...

I'm gonna be perfectly blunt with you.

The few times that you've been a little bad are the times I've liked you most.

Really?

Remember making fun of Britta's boyfriend's tiny nipples?

Oh, yeah, they were tiny.

Remember what you did to Pierce's hoagie?

That was so disturbing, I almost proposed on the spot.

Now, come on, show me how to dominate.

All right, Winger, hands on the grips.

I'm coming up on your right side in three, two, one!

You know why you can't stop me?

'Cause I'm not playing a game.

For you, it's winning and losing.

For me, it's life and death. [Grunts angrily]

That's how I win.

That's where you have to go.

No more thought, no more feeling.

k*ll or be k*lled. k*ll or be k*lled, little man.

Think back to when this game mattered, before you got to be too cool. [Grunts angrily]

Stop acting like you're not ashamed right now.

Follow that shame to the fear.

Follow that fear to the rage.

You put that rage-- aah!

Up your ass, Turkey. Ha ha!

There's only two ways off this table-- k*ll or be k*lled.

Say it.

k*ll or be k*lled.

I said say it, mumbles!

k*ll or be k*lled.

k*ll!

k*ll!

k*ll!

Both: k*ll!

Yeah!

You called me Turkey.

I love it. [Growls softly]

Sorry we couldn't get a car over here until now.

Our captain was k*lled on duty last night.

My God, I'm so sorry.

Yeah. Good man-- leaves behind two kids and a pregnant wife.

So you're missing a Batman DVD?

My Dark Knight extended extended cut--it wasn't insured.

Well, there's no sign of forced entry on your door or windows.

You sure it wasn't just misplaced?

Someone definitely broke in.

Some of my jewelry's missing.

You sure about that, Annie?

Mm-hmm. My necklace.

It was gold-- white gold-- with emeralds.

And my name engraved in Hebrew.

It was a bat mitzvah gift from my Nana.

She was a rockette. She married a count.

He was blind. He loved her for her mind.

That's good color for the report, but I got to be honest, small stuff like this almost never turns up.

Oh, no, Abed.

We'll be in touch. Say...

You look familiar.

Did I ever pretend to sh**t a guy in front of you to teach you about g*n safety?

I'm really good at faces. [Door closes]

Well, I guess the only upside to this is it's brought us closer together as roommates.

Something doesn't add up.

If there was no forced entry, it had to be an inside job.

We don't know that.

And instead of taking cash, pharmaceuticals, laptops, they take what?

My Batman DVD, and one piece of oddly ornate Hebrew-themed jewelry?

Nana gave it.

It's smoke.

It's a ruse, a lie.

Hmm?

I think I know what happened here.

Abed, I--

The landlord did it.

It all makes sense.

Rick has keys to every apartment--means.

He knows when we're coming and going--opportunity.

And he was dressed as the Joker for Halloween--motive.

Hmm.

Something's got to be done.

Oh, let's not leap to thing-doing.

[Door closes]

Right, Annie?

[Squealing]

Double strike.

Got it.

Back blast.

Boom!

Viper sh*t.

Nailed it!

Oh, look...

How cute-- you do like foosball, you just have to practice with your mama.

What are you guys doing here on a Saturday night?

Shouldn't you be making weird art movies or well-engineered cars?

You take that back!

We came to play. Get away from our table.

We're using it, strudel-brain.

Nice.

Then play us for it.

Fine. Monday morning-- only let's make it interesting.

The losers never get to use this table again.

Oh, you are so on that things have now become very much like Donkey Kong.

We're gonna kick das butt.

Nice.

Thank you.

Enough teutonic punnery.

Monday morning you get this...

Were you guys walking around with a soccer ball just so you could do that?

They left the ball and everything.

I think they were literally walking around with it like a prop to use.

That's, like, a $25 dollar bit, and it's not even that good.

You have got to come clean, okay?

I don't know what he's doing in there, but it feels dramatic.

I'm sure he's already moved on to some other obsession.

Oh, look, fun.

[Gravelly voice] The police are powerless.

I must take justice into my own hands.

Men like Rick operate above the law.

But there's something else above the law...

Bats...

And me.

Abed, don't do anything drastic.

Yeah, maybe we should all just take a step back and--

Aw, is that the grappling hook I got you for Christmas?

The night beckons.

Its black fingers curl and uncurl, going, like, "hey, come here."

Abed, wait!

Wait. I did it.

I stepped on your DVD, and it broke, and I staged a break-in to cover it up.

If that were true, you would've come forward a long time ago.

You're lying to keep me out of danger.

But there can be no peace while crime spits and dances on the grave of justice to the hot beats of infectious rhythms of all that is wrong.

Oh!

Just...

Use your foot.

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

You're okay--okay.

Ooh!

Abed...

Oh!

Oh!

Troy! What are we gonna do?

Now you're open to input?

I'm following him.

You moving in here was supposed to tone us down.

[Laughing] So, Shirley, tell me-- how does someone with your talent for foosball ever stop playing?

Oh, I don't want to talk about that.

Oh, come on, we're, like, best friends now.

Don't back away from this. Open up to me.

[Laughing] Okay, well...

When I was a kid, I had anger, Jeff-- real bad anger-- and foosball was a release.

But I didn't just-- just b*at people.

I-I broke 'em.

One time I was running this table over at this Y.M.C.A across town, and I was really giving it to this kid-- this skinny little white boy, no offense.

He started crying. They always started crying.

But something about this boy made me want to take it all the way.

I started jabbing him with the rods until...

The boy peed himself.

Everybody laughed. I laughed.

But after that, the game lost its flavor.

Once you make a boy pee his pants, you start thinking about where your life is headed.

Jeff, what's wrong?

Gonna k*ll you!

Your ass is mine!

You're such a punk!

You like being b*at by a girl?

Yes! [Kids cheering]

What are you crying for?

Your mama cannot help you, and I know your daddy ain't around, or you wouldn't play like a bitch.

[Crying]

Ha!

[Coughing]

All: Ooh.

Oh, my goodness gracious. Is that what I think?

I just b*at this kid all the way to tinkle-town.

All: Tinkle-town, tinkle-town, tinkle-town, tinkle-town.

Tinkle-town, tinkle-town, tinkle-town, tinkle-town, tinkle-town.

You were Big Cheddar?

Who told you that--

Oh, dear lord.

You're tinkle-town?

Don't call me that.

All your fake sweetness and religion is just a veil covering a horrible monster.

And I had a lot of Mountain Dew that day!

There's an 80 percent chance you can't leave Woodstock until you bone these hippies.

Oh, boy.

Aah!

[Fabric tearing]

You know what I came for, scum.

Where is it?

In the closet. In the closet, man.

Abed, stop it!

Get him!

I mean, stop it.

They're in the closet.

I knew id get caught. Just don't hurt me, Batman.

Closet.

Women's shoes?

But Rick doesn't have a wife...

Or women's feet.

Wait. My summertime ballet flats?

I thought I lost these in the move.

Is it there? Does he have the DVD?

The what?

The DVD.

He has it, all right.

And it looks like he broke it.

Ah.

[Whimpers]

Who are you?

If you had something to say, why not put it in the text message?

I wasn't sure what to say.

Do you understand what you did to me... Big Cheddar?

Please don't call me that.

Why not? It's what you are-- a mean, nasty bully.

I was 12 years old.

I peed!

I had to change schools.

I changed everything-- my clothes, my hair, my personality-- because of you.

What a waste.

I wish I could take a picture of you right now and send it to my ten-year-old self.

Watch it, Winger.

You don't have a trademark on self-pity.

I will defend myself.

Good.

Bring the cheddar...

Big Cheddar.

I'm gonna put you on the express train back to tinkle-town!

[Both grunting]

Argh!

Uh!

Uh! Aah!

Uh!

Aah!

Both: Aah!

Aah!

[Ball clattering wildly]

[Grunts]

Ah!

Die!

Never!

Argh!

Argh!

Ah!

You get it.

No, you get it.

You're the one that needs the advantage.

Wrong. Wrong!

Every game I ever won, I won fairly.

Foosball was how I measured my value as a man.

You took that away!

Why do think I had to?

You try sprouting three feet just when boys are about to look at you.

Everyone stopped liking me.

This game is all I had.

It's all I had.

Well, that's stupid.

You're a perfectly fine person.

So are you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

[Sighs]

I'm sorry, Jeff.

You don't have anything to be sorry for, Shirley.

So Rick has agreed to stay out of your apartment as long as you stay out of his.

And I'm getting tired of saying this to people, but these things wouldn't happen if you'd invest in a simple shoe safe.

That's it?

Now we just live upstairs from this...

Guy that's really into footwear?

Sweetie, you're a renter.

Look forward to owning a house.

Be glad he's not into heads.

Thanks for your help, officer, and if you should ever need me, I usually get out of school around 4:00.

This guys sleeps outside your room, though, and that's okay?

Uh... [Door closes]

There's one thing I don't understand.

Why would Rick deny taking my DVD?

And why break it?

Well, maybe he stepped on it by accident and felt really, really, really bad.

All the more reason to confess.

Well, not everybody's perfect, Abed.

Batman. And I am.

Well, Batman, on behalf of all of us that aren't perfect, can I just say I'm sorry I broke your DVD?

Apology accepted.

But I wouldn't mention it to Abed.

That guy's pretty ruthless.

And that's coming from Batman.

[Fabric whooshing]

[Normal voice] Hey, guys.

Abed, where have you been?

Troy, really?

Let it go.

Aw, black in the house!

My hand is cramping.

It's fine.

Oh. Hey, freudenkatzen.

Ready for your schpankin'?

Just like we practiced?

Let's shut 'em down.

Ha ha ha. Let's dance, David Bowie.

Get the ball, Karl.

I'm trying, and stop yelling at me.

Stop being such a schvine!

Aren't you guys playing foosball?

We've played enough for one lifetime.

We're gonna go see a movie.

[Giggles]

Since when are those two so close?

Hello. This is November 29th and I'm Leonard, and today I'm reviewing.

Eugenio's four cheese frozen pizza.

That's $5.99 at Kroger's.

I've tried it before, and we'll see.

Mmm!

Mmm, the cheese is good.

The sauce is good too.

Mm, well, it's definitely a buy.

Eugenio's four cheese frozen pizza-- a buy.

See you next time.

♪ I'm as high as hell ♪
♪ and you're about to get sh*t ♪