03x10 - Regional Holiday Music

[bunniefuu]

ANNIE: Wow. They found a way to make the human being even creepier. Covering him in icicles.
SHIRLEY: I think it's festive.
JEFF: Yeah, my favorite Christmas tradition is trimming the hellraiser.
ABED: Guys, I found something we can watch together for Christmas this year. The long-lost 1981 Inspector Spacetime Holiday Special. Run time two and half hours and so critically reviled that after it aired, the creator has his knighthood revoked.
TROY: That sounds terrible. I want to watch it twice, but I'm spending Christmas with my relatives. Or rather, I'm spending the day with my relatives while they refuse to acknowledge Christmas.
SHIRLEY: You Jehovah's Witnesses- so severe. Andre and I will be spending Christmas giving gifts to the more persuadable of our Jewish friends.
ANNIE: I wouldn't call an unannounced visit from your pastor "a gift." And don't bother this year. I'll be at the movies with my bubbe.
TROY: You're not taking both of them?
ANNIE: Well, one's dead.
TROY: What?
ABED: I was looking forward to hanging out with you guys this Christmas. This semester has been so long and dark and angry. I was thinking we could have some light-hearted fun as a family.
JEFF: I think what we've learned, Abed, is that attempts to make the holidays brighter tend to give them a certain darkness.
SHIRLEY: Oh, I don't know if I agree with that.
GLEE CLUB: ♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
SHIRLEY: Actually, maybe I do.
Heads up. Glee club.
GLEE CLUB: ♪ 'tis the season to be jolly ♪ ♪ fa la la la la la la rock on! ♪ Merry Christmas, Greendale. Glee club here, reminding you that our Christmas pageant is coming. Next stop, regionals! ♪ I said deck ♪
TROY: Please tell me we were not this obnoxious the year we filled in for them.
ANNIE: T-minus five seconds till hip-hop remix. Four, three.
GLEE CLUB: Come on! Re-re-re-remix! Re-re-re-remix! ♪ Fa la la la la f-a l-a ♪ ♪ come on whoo ♪
BRITTA: You're awfully quiet, Jeff. Nobody hates the glee club more than you.
JEFF: Today I'm just content to sit back and enjoy the show.
GLEE CLUB: And now our pop music mash-up! Elton Lil' John Lennon! Kick it! Hey, tiny dancer! Okay!
CHANG: Stop! Cease and desist.
JEFF: Glee club, meet ASCAP, protecting musical copyrights since 1914. It appears they have received an anonymous tip that unlicensed material was being performed here without the artists' permission. Merry Christmas, everyone. Glee club just became history club.
[STUDY GROUP CHEERS, GLEE CLUB SCREAMS]
GLEE CLUB: My soul is dead!
SHIRLEY: Oh!
JEFF: Okay, if anyone asks, we were never here.
GLEE CLUB: [SCREAMING CONTINUES] Why?

[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]
♪ Give me some rope, time in a tree ♪ ♪ give me the hope to run out of steam ♪ ♪ somebody said we could be here ♪ ♪ we could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year ♪ ♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪ ♪ one by one they all just fade away ♪

DEAN PELTON: The glee club is at Westside Hospital, recuperating from a collective nervous breakdown. This is the second glee club we've lost in two years. We might have to cancel the Christmas pageant. And to think they were this close to regionals.
PIERCE: What the hell are regionals?
DEAN PELTON: They're this close, Pierce. Anyway, an old friend wants to talk to you. Your favorite Glee Club instructor, the dreamy and boyish Mr. Cory Radison!
MR. RAD: Oh! [LAUGHTER] Uh, I thought I told you to call me Mr. Rad. Or Cory. Just don't call me "late to dinner." Unless you're serving brussels sprouts! [LAUGHTER]
DEAN PELTON: I won't, I promise!
TROY: This guy's like human froyo.
MR. RAD: Look, when the last glee club d*ed in that bus crash, you guys stepped up. And you were the best gosh darn emergency substitutes I've ever worked with.
SHIRLEY & ANNIE: Aw!
MR. RAD. Well, this time... I'm not gonna kid you. It won't be easy.
DEAN PELTON: Oh!
MR. RAD: Your best... Won't be good enough. And ten times your best will be so bad, I will yell at you. But I promise, if we dig down-
JEFF: Pass.
All: Yeah.
MR. RAD: Okay.
DEAN PELTON: Don't you hurt him. Mr. Rad!

ANNIE: I feel like we let Mr. Rad down.
JEFF: No, he let himself down when he left the house this morning wearing a sweater-vest.
SHIRLEY: I guess we did have fun last time.
TROY: Did we? I can hardly remember. It's all a weird, happy, musical fog.
BRITTA: Yeah, it was almost like being on ecstasy, only instead of having pointless conversations and dancing like idiots- wait. It was exactly like being on ecstasy!
JEFF: That's what worries me about this guy. He is equal parts Hanson and Manson. Nobody let him corner you until he is out of recruitment mode, or next thing you know, we'll all be caring about Christmas pageants and... Regionals.
BRITTA: You're right, deal.
ANNIE: Ugh. Agreed.
TROY: Got you.
PIERCE: What the hell are regionals?

[MELANCHOLY PIANO TUNE]
ABED: What are you still doing here?
MR. RAD: I thought I'd give her one more tinkle before I took down decorations. No glee club means no pageant, means no Christmas.
ABED: I'm sure trying to make things brighter just would've made more darkness.
MR. RAD: That sounds like a certain ex-lawyer talking. I see a lot of myself in you, Abed. You care about your friends, and you wish they cared more about each other. That's not an easy position to be in sometimes.
ABED: I just want my friends and I to have a merry Christmas together.
MR. RAD: Well, maybe you could start by giving them the greatest Christmas gift of all.
ABED: What's that?
MR. RAD: Glee! ♪ It's a feeling you get ♪ ♪ when your brain finally lets your heart get in its pants ♪ ♪ Glee! ♪ ♪It's like a drug that you use ♪ ♪ that turns pain into shoes ♪ ♪ and your shoes into dance ♪
ABED: ♪ How's your piano still playing this song? ♪
MR. RAD: ♪ Glee is the answer ♪ ♪ when questions are wrong ♪ ♪ you'll understand if you just sing along ♪ ♪ 'cause glee is the gift ♪ ♪ that you need ♪
ABED: ♪ Glee is what I'll spread to my friends ♪ ♪ like a virus that sends them to a healthier place ♪ ♪ Glee! I'll understand every scene ♪ ♪ because they'll sing what they mean ♪ ♪ instead of making a face ♪
MR. RAD: ♪ families are closer when families are winning ♪ ♪ everything's cooler when cameras are spinning ♪
BOTH: ♪ singing and dancing in unison... ♪ ♪ in-inning ♪ ♪ glee is the gift ♪ ♪ that we need ♪ Glee!
ABED: Thank you, Mr. Rad. Don't break down the set yet. I'm gonna try to get my friends to be in the Christmas pageant.
MR. RAD: [CHUCKLES] Thank you, Abed! [MENACING] Thank you.

[HUMMING]
ABED: Merry Christmas, Troy.
TROY: Abed, you look gleeful.
ABED: Troy, don't you think it might actually be fun, doing this Christmas pageant for the glee club?
TROY: Abed, we hate the glee club.
ABED: Yeah. I guess I just like liking things.
TROY: Abed. Look, you know I’d do anything you did, but... [SIGHS] I'm a Jehovah's Witness. We're not supposed to celebrate Christmas.
ABED: I've been thinking about that. I may have a loophole. [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC] What if you were a Jehovah's Witness that was merely pretending to be into Christmas, gathering clues and blending in to take down the holidays from within?
TROY: You mean like a spy investigating, making it seem like I'm celebrating, when actually I'm infiltrating Santa's operation?
ABED: Yoip!
TROY: ♪ Going deep cover ♪ ♪ past enemy lines ♪ ♪ making everybody think I'm on the Christmas side ♪ ♪ rocking warm sweaters, hanging big-ass lights ♪ ♪ if the fat man can see me, yo it's gotta look right ♪ ♪ I’ll watch all the tv specials that I never could ♪ ♪ I’ll even cry during the sad ones, like James Bond would ♪ ♪ and when the big night comes, it's time to set the bait ♪ ♪ cold milk, hot cookies ♪
BOTH: ♪ decorative plate ♪
TROY: ♪ and he'll come down the chim-in-ey ♪ ♪ and it will be just him and me ♪ ♪ but he won't know we're enemies ♪ ♪ 'cause ill play sincere, spring a trap ♪ ♪ like that, hug him tight, get on his lap ♪ ♪ and tell him he can come back every year ♪ ♪ 'cause I am Jehovah's most secret witness ♪ ♪ so I might have to dedicate my life to Christmas ♪ ♪ and act just like I love it till the day I die ♪
ABED: ♪ A-b-e-d connoisseur of Christmas ♪ ♪ on the spectrum, none of your business ♪ ♪ talks to fast to comprehend ♪ ♪ just wanna do right by my friend ♪ ♪ if years were seasons, this December ♪ ♪ would be the December of our December ♪ ♪ more blueprints than Howard Hughes ♪ ♪ but if they are blue prints, how do we choose? ♪ ♪ we have to be happy to get to the end ♪ ♪ we have to save Christmas to save our friends ♪
BOTH: ♪ we have to save Christmas to save our friends ♪ ♪ we have to save Christmas to save our friends ♪
ANNIE: Hey, guys. Rapping?
ABED: Yep, wanna join us?
ANNIE: Totally! Wait, you guys never let me rap with you.
TROY: Well, we're gonna need all hands on deck if we're gonna go to regionals.
ANNIE: [ALARMED] Cool. I just need to... study... though…in my room. So have fun!

ANNIE: And then, this morning, I could hear them in the bathroom, doing country Western mash-ups. And they won't stop talking about regionals!
BRITTA: Maybe it's nothing.
MR. RAD: Yeah, if "nothing" wears a sweater-vest and seems aggressively asexual.
PIERCE: Come on, let's all study for our biology final in our old-
BRITTA: Where's our table?
PIERCE: Who's that guy? You guys all see him too, right?
ABED: Hey, guys.
TROY: Merry Christmas, y'all. Sorry about the rearrangement. We need this space to rehearse for the pageant.
JEFF: But we're not doing the pageant.
TROY: Look, guys, I hear your negativity, but also, can I counter with this? Who hates glee? Listen to how that sounds. Glee literally means "glee."
JEFF: Oh, stop it! Not liking glee club doesn't make us bullies, and implying that is reverse bullying.
ABED: Good point. Sing about it?
ALL BUT TROY & ABED: No!
TROY: I understand them, but you, Pierce? Your generation invented music!
PIERCE: I don't know about "invented." Perfected, maybe.
ANNIE: Pierce! They're just trying to pander to your demographics' well-documented historical vanity. Resist!
TROY: Abed, wasn't Santa Claus himself part of Pierce's peer group? I believe so.
BOTH: One, two, three, four. ♪ Santa Claus was born in 1945 ♪ ♪ He had a boogie woogie Coca-Cola army jive ♪
ABED: ♪ and when the commies gave the polio to Doris Day ♪ ♪ Santa helped the Beatles chase McCarthy away ♪ ♪ that baby boomer Santa ♪ ♪ he's never gonna die ♪
TROY: ♪ Santa fought at Woodstock and Vietnam ♪ ♪ and smoked a ton of acid and burnt his bra ♪
ABED: ♪ and then in 1970, he did more dr*gs ♪ ♪ and his hair stayed long and he ♪ ♪ grew a mustache ♪
BOTH: ♪ baby boomer Santa ♪ ♪ he's gonna stay Ali-I-I-ive ♪
TROY: ♪ Santa invented Spielberg and microchips ♪
ABED: ♪ Santa invented Coca-Cola and aerobics ♪
TROY: ♪ he made the iron curtain and the Gremlins 2♪ ♪ fake butter and AIDS and Twin Peaks! ♪
BOTH: ♪ baby boomer Santa ♪ ♪ thank you for MTV ♪ ♪ Ow! Ow! ♪ ♪ baby boomer Santa ♪ ♪ thank you for everything ♪
PIERCE: ♪ You're welcome ♪ ♪ You're welcome for everything ♪ ♪ in the world ♪ ♪ you're welcome ♪ ♪ you're welcome for all that I bring ♪ ♪ to the world ♪ ♪ I'm baby boomer Santa ♪ ♪ I bring the gift of the world ♪ ♪ baby boomer Santa ♪ ♪ I'm an American pearl ♪

ABED: Pierce is on board.
MR: RAD: That's great! For the Christmas queen, I'm hoping we can get Shirley or Annie. They both have really strong voices and natural ♪ vibrato ♪.
BRITTA: There's also Britta.
MR. RAD: Britta's adorable! So Shirley or Annie for the Christmas queen.
ABED: There's a leaf on Britta's head.
MR. RAD: She's playing a tree! And it's gonna be so fun!
ANNIE: Mr. Radison, who authorized you to rearrange our study room, and who do you think you are anyway?
MR. RAD: I’ll tell you. [PLAYS ONE NOTE]
ABED, MR. RAD & TROY: ♪ Well ♪ ♪ well ♪ ♪ well ♪

SHIRLEY: I’m scared to go into the study room. There are so many top hats in there.
BRITTA: I wish there was a way we could stop all this. I mean, I realize the stakes aren't actually that high, but somehow, that just makes it extra scary.
JEFF: I know.
ANNIE: Jeff, I think I know what Mr. Rad is up to. There's something you have to see.

ANNIE: Mr. Rad plans to get every single member of our study group to join the glee club.
JEFF: Well, I don't know how he thinks that's gonna happen.
ANNIE: I'll show you.
JEFF: Wha-?
ANNIE: This is just one of the many costume changes I'll be doing during the show. We're a shoo-in for regionals, right?
JEFF: Annie, you too? This is beneath you. You are an intelligent woman. Also, you're Jewish!
ANNIE: [FLIRTATIOUS] I guess I have a lot to learn about holiday tradition. [UPBEAT PIANO TUNE] ♪ Teach me how to understand Christmas ♪ ♪ show me how to open a box ♪ ♪ it hurts my little head ♪ ♪ when I'm lying in my bed ♪ ♪ with visions of sugarplum socks ♪ Is this a bit? ♪ Teach me how to understand Christmas ♪ ♪ do I trim the tree ♪ ♪ or the deer? ♪ ♪ I can't keep it straight ♪ ♪ and now it's getting late ♪ ♪ where does the stocking go? ♪ ♪ here? ♪ I can't see! ♪ What's a Christmas Eve? ♪ ♪ is that Santa's lady? ♪ ♪ are snowmen cold or hot? ♪ ♪ won't you be my daddy? ♪ ♪ I'm a silly Christmas baby ♪ ♪ tell me what to deck ♪ [GIGGLES] ♪ 'cause I forgot ♪
JEFF: Annie.
ANNIE: Ooh! ♪ "Bwain" hurt-y, understand-y "cwistmas" ♪ ♪ mistletoe for eat-y, taste good?" ♪ You smarty, me dumb ♪ ♪ help "pwetty" have fun ♪ ♪ boopy doopy doop boop ♪ ♪ s*x ♪
JEFF: Look, eventually, you hit a point of diminishing returns on the sexiness.
ANNIE: What's a dimin-- [SPEAKS GIBBERISH]?

SHIRLEY: Stay back, old man.
BRITTA: Don't even hum.
PIERCE: Shirley, Britta, I have no intention of singing.
SHIRLEY: Good.
PIERCE: I can't speak for these little angels though.
SHIRLEY: Oh!
CHOIR: ♪ there's a magic in the air ♪ ♪ around us ♪ ♪ we all have the sudden urge to bake ♪ ♪ it feels like a very special birthday ♪ ♪ but whose name should be written on the cake?
SHIRLEY: Mm!
BRITTA: Shirley, you need to get out of here!
CHOIR: ♪ we asked our public school to give the answer ♪
SHIRLEY: They're not gonna tell you.
CHOIR: ♪ but they could only teach us not to pray ♪
SHIRLEY: That's what they do. That's what they do.
CHOIR: ♪ the constitution says the state can't tell us ♪ ♪ was anyone important born today? ♪
SHIRLEY: Oh, gotta tell the babies! ♪ Jesus Christ! ♪ ♪ Jesus Christ is the lord ♪ ♪ Happy Birthday, Jesus ♪
CHOIR: ♪ Happy Birthday ♪
SHIRLEY: ♪ cut the cake, cut the cake now ♪ ♪ cut the cake, my lord ♪
BRITTA: Oh, Jeff, thank God! They got Shirley! It's just you and me now. Jeff?
JEFF: [SINGS ONE LONG NOTE]
BRITTA: [SCREAMS]

MR. RAD: Guys, I am swelling with pride! You stepped up, and you saved the Christmas pageant! Whoo!
JEFF: And it's all thanks to you, Mr. Rad. I just hope we can repay you by making regionals.
PIERCE: Uh, I thought this was regionals. Don't let my confusion undercut their importance.
VICKI: Places, everyone!
[ALL SQUEAL]
MR. RAD: Scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch. [TO ABED] I could not have done this without your recruiting skills, Abed.
ABED: I was happy to do it. For a while there, I thought we were gonna end the semester on a really dark note. I'm glad we're singing and dancing together instead. This has been a good time.
MR. RAD: And it's going to continue to be a good time. If we win regionals, then it's straight on to sectionals. And then a week later is semis. Then semiregionals. Then regional-semis. Then national lower-zone semis!
ABED: Oh. But I kinda thought this was... You know, just for Christmas.
MR. RAD: No, no, no. This is forever. This is what we do now. This is who we are.
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
JEFF: ♪ Fa la la la la ♪
ANNIE: ♪ Fa la la la la ♪
SHIRLEY: ♪ fa la ♪
JEFF: ♪ Fa la la la la ♪
SHIRLEY: ♪ fa la la la la ♪
JEFF: Holla!
ALL: ♪ we are planet Christmas when we sing ♪ ♪ we will sing together throughout everything ♪ ♪ we are planet Christmas ♪
ABED: Britta.
BRITTA: [GASPS] Is this about regionals?
MR. RAD: I just talked to Cory, and he needs you to be the mouse king instead of me.
BRITTA: Me? But I'm supposed to be a mute tree.
ABED: It's an emergency. [PAUSE] This will help us get to regionals!
BRITTA: I knew it! Wait, what are the lyrics?
ABED: They're in your heart, Britta.
BRITTA: Right. Duh doy!
STUDY GROUP EXCEPT ABED & JEFF: ♪ we are everyone, and we are everything ♪
BRITTA: [WAILING] ♪ Christmas time! ♪
MR. RAD: What the-?
DEAN PELTON: Oh, Britta's in this?
BRITTA: ♪ I got a Christmas time for me ♪ ♪ I got a Christmas time for a tree ♪
MR. RAD: No! She's ruining it!
BRITTA: ♪ Christmas ♪ ♪ Christmas time ♪ ♪ me so Christmas, me so merry ♪
MR. RAD: No, stop, stop, stop, stop! What are you doing? Get off the stage!
BRITTA: [TEARFUL] I'm singing my heart's song.
MR. RAD: Get off the stage, and never sing again! You are the worst!
JEFF: Hey!
TROY: You do not get to call Britta "the worst."
CROWD: Yeah! Let her finish!
DEAN PELTON: Mr. Radison, I think it's fine. Greendale is an all-inclusive school. Why don't we let Britta sing her awkward song?
CROWD: Yeah! [CHEERING]
MR. RAD: No, no, no, no, no, no! This show is supposed to be gleeful and bright and fun, and you can let me do that, or there can be another bus crash! [CROWD GASPS] Well, figuratively. [CHUCKLES] I'm not saying, "I k*lled the last glee club." I'm saying you not listening to me is like metaphorically cutting the brake lines on your own- look, kings of Leon!
[AUDIENCE GASPS]
JEFF: What did he say? Did Mr. Rad k*ll the last glee club?
DEAN PELTON: And to think I trusted him enough to captain a magic carpet in that dream I had last night.
ABED: Maybe Jeff's right. Maybe forcing things to be bright just makes the darkness underneath even darker. This was all my fault, insisting we do the pageant. Sorry. Merry Christmas. I guess I’ll just see you guys after the holidays.

TELEVISION: Happy time day, Reggie. It is tradition to give one's constable a gift at the end of each orbital cycle. Oh, thank you, inspector! [CHUCKLES] Blimey! A hologram? Mm-hmm. Let's activate it and view the performance. [BEEPS] ♪ I tried to find a way around ♪ ♪ then get behind your wall ♪ ♪ I tried to reach the top ♪
ABED: This is terrible.
STUDY GROUP: ♪ the angels did say ♪ ♪ was to certain poor Shepherds ♪ ♪ in fields where they lay ♪ ♪ in fields where they ♪ ♪ lay keeping their sheep ♪ ♪ on a cold winter's night ♪ ♪ that was so deep ♪
ANNIE: We decided we wanted to spend the holiday together.
JEFF: It's been a dark semester. I basically k*lled a guy. And I kind of att*cked you guys with a fire axe.
STUDY GROUP: Yeah.
JEFF: I'm thinking about seeing a new shrink.
BRITTA: What?
JEFF: Don't.
TROY: Holy crap. Look how terrible this Christmas special is.
CHILDREN’S CHOIR: ♪ Noel, Noel ♪ ♪ Noel, Noel ♪ ♪ we will see you ♪ ♪ after regionals ♪ Merry Christmas!

[TO CAROL OF THE BELLS TUNE]
DEAN: ♪ Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean ♪ ♪ Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean ♪ [CONTINUES SINGING “DEAN”]
CHANG: ♪ Chang, Chang, Chang, Chang ♪ [CONTINUES SINGING “CHANG”]
MAGNITUDE: ♪ Pop, pop, pop, pop ♪ [Continues singing "pop"]
STARBURNS: ♪ My name is Alex, ♪ my name is Alex, my name is Alex ♪ ♪ my name is Alex ♪ [CONTINUES SINGING]
CHANG: ♪ Merry, merry, merry, merry "Chang-mas" ♪
DEAN PELTON: ♪ Merry, merry, merry, merry "Dean-mas" ♪ ♪ Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean
CHANG: ♪ No, no, no, no, no, no! No!
DEAN PELTON: ♪ Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean ♪ ♪ Dean dong ♪ CHANG: [SCREAMING] No!
DEAN PELTON: ♪ Dean dong ♪

Edited and corrected by: Geneva