03x14 - Pillows and Blankets (2)

[bunniefuu]

"Between two groups of people "who want to make inconsistent kinds of worlds, I see no remedy but force."

Oliver Wendell Holmes.

[Sounds of battle]

There was a point where all I saw were feathers.

Then I started swinging.

And then I hit something and heard someone fall.

Could've been somebody from my side.

[g*nsh*t]

Narrator: In 2012, Greendale Community College was the site of the largest and longest pillow fight in community college history.

It shaped and scarred the landscape of their campus and forever changed the lives of those involved.

[Somber patriotic music]

A health care administration student, who turned the storage room into a sanctuary for soldiers with broken glasses and lightly grazed testicles.

A high school dropout and amateur photographer whose borrowed camera would capture some of the w*r's blurriest, most poorly framed moments.

[g*nshots]

A disgraced former lawyer whose words would inspire tens of students to take up pillows and fight, most likely to avoid an upcoming test.

A loving wife and mother who would prove to be as skilled at kicking asses as she was at wiping them.

The dried-up heir to a moist towelette empire, who would prove to be the dried-up heir to a moist towelette empire.

The sensitive high school quarterback who became commander in chief of his own army.

He would later say of the w*r, "it was awesome, but also, it wasn't."

And his socially dysfunctional best friend turned bitter rival, an uncompromising tactical mastermind feared by all yet unable to pay parking tickets or know left from right into a conflict lasting days, costing hundreds of dollars and resulting in over 12 transfers.

There are people who say, "I don't get it.

So it was a pillow fight," to which I say...

"You weren't there."

Jeffrey, you have to come mediate Troy and Abed.

They look up to you. What's with the film crew?

Don't worry about that.

Oh, I am worried about that.

If there's one thing I've learned at this place, it's that a film crew means disaster.

Okay, they are here to document Greendale's guinness record, which you are going to make sure we get by talking to Troy and Abed right now.

This is your fault.

No, it's your fault.

This is your fault.

Your fault.

Your fault!

Your fault!

Okay, ive got good news for both of you.

Neither of you has to apologize because what you're doing is equally ridiculous.

So here's the solution I'm pitching.

I'm giving you two imaginary Friendship Hats that automatically make you friends again.

Are we done?

Sorry, Jeff, but this matter's a little more serious than that.

No, it's not.

You're children acting like grown-ups.

I mean, it's fine.

But just don't pretend it's anything but that.

[Upbeat banjo tune]

Narrator: Troy Barnes and Abed Nadir.

Friends so close, they once graced the cover of Friends Weekly, a pretend magazine of their own design.

Earlier that day, they begin construction on a fort made of pillows.

Its name... New Fluffytown.

Its goal... to be a newer, fluffier town than Fluffytown, their blanket fort from the previous year.

New Fluffytown don't care who you were.

You were surrounded by softness.

It's just like crawling through a hug.

Well...

I guess all hugs have to come to an end.

Narrator: When an opportunity arises for a world record, it creates a rift.

Troy wants to go for the record using blankets for rapid expansion.

Abed insists on pillows, declaring world records to be dumb.

Troy declares the Declaration Lame, stating that thinking records are dumb is stupid.

He secedes from New Fluffytown and begins constructing Blanketsburg on the other side of the campus.

Abed renames his fort Pillowtown for the sake of conceptual symmetry.

Both forts expand until both are in each other's way.

Study Room "F," 3:00 P.M., things quickly reach their boiling point.

You stand back.

Watch it, Star-Burns.

My name is Alex!

[Shrieks]

Narrator: A softly lobbed, hypoallergenic sealy select in a floral print case collides with a load-bearing broomstick, collapsing a queen-sized section of blanket fort.

[Overlapping shouting]

[Shouts indistinctly]

Narrator: It was later named "The Study Room Kerfuffle."

Protect everyone! Protect Pillowtown!

Jeffrey, you're not mediating.

Ah, Dean, what do you want me to say, huh?

I mean, some conflicts are so pointless, they just have to play themselves out.

Fine.

The Legit Republic of Blanketsburg says Pillowtown has until midnight tonight to surrender its territory.

The United Forts of Pillowtown declines the request.

It's not a request.

I'm giving you an "all tomato," meaning that you give me the whole tomato or else.

Or else what?

[Militaristic drum roll]

See you at midnight.

Oh, my God.

Do people go to classes?

Narrator: The deadline divides friendships, families, even study groups.

Pierce Hawthorne takes Troy's side, citing that Abed is weirder and more foreign.

Shirley Bennett decides her allegiance in a text message to her husband.

I'll be home late, sugar boots.

Abed hurt Troy's feelings by being a robot.

Need to stay with my boy to make sure Britta doesn't put him on the weed.

Please record forensic files.

Narrator: Troy appoints Shirley Bennett as his second-in-command, at which point, Pierce switches to Abed's side.

There were those who thought that midnight might come and go, and nothing would happen.

Well, I was in Korea, and I knew the sound of crap when it was about to hit the fan.

You know what it sounded like?

That's right, Jackson.

Silence.

Narrator: Midnight comes, and a campus holds its breath.

I know there's a lot of blanket stackers and pillow packers out there thinking it's going to go down tonight.

But there's a lot of us folks from the scene in between saying, "Hey, we're all looking to chill out and lay down with someone special."

This is real Neil with pipes of steel, signing of with the smooth sounds of daybreak.

[Daybreak plays]

♪ ♪

I gotta get this on film.

I am straight trouncing spaz in go fish.

[Laughs]

Dude, what are you doing?

Don't record this.

[Music stops]

Wait, did you hear that?

[People screaming]

What the hell is that?

Narrator: 12:07 A.M.

Blanketsburg soldiers charge a pillow fort in the library.

The pillowtonians move quickly to defend.

There were no rules in that first battle.

You hit someone, and if they went down, you stop hitting them.

Call that Common Courtesy.

Then what if they get up?

Do you maybe keep hitting them till they learn to stay down?

We call that Common Sense.

[g*nsh*t]

Narrator: The battle lasts six minutes.

No territory changes hands.

Blanketsburg has drawn first blood.

Pillowtown will draw First Blood part II.

Citizens of Blanketsburg, I ask you now to prepare for w*r.

And I ask Garrett to please fix the microphone on my laptop.

[Echoing] It's doing that thing again.

The United Forts of Pillowtown and the Legit Republic of Blanketsburg are at w*r, each side attempting to kick down and replace the other.

[g*nsh*t]

The unmoving line between them is a campus-wide, fleece-laden strip of pillow-to-pillow combat.

[Grunts]

Narrator: Britta Perry attempts to capture the w*r's sublime indignities on film.

Unfortunately for Britta and millions of photographers like her, just because something is in black and white doesn't mean it's good.

Rules are agreed upon, but casualties are inevitable.

Narrator: Outside the science lab, at the Battle of Big Bulletin Board, Pierce Hawthorne suffers broken glasses, a hurt finger, and erectile dysfunction, which, in his words, had never happened ever before that battle.

[g*nsh*t]

"Pillows, but no sleep.

"Feathers, but no birds.

"Pajamas without children.

"v*olence without purpose.

I saw mommy kissing Exxon Mobil."

Amanda Johnson.

Poet by choice, lesbian by birth.

Narrator: Even Jeff Winger, who, before the w*r, lacked interest in it, has now found a leading role.

Soldiers of Blanketsburg, we fight not because we want w*r.

We fight, that we might gain peace!

All: Yeah!

Narrator: Winger's critics suggest he merely improvised hot-button patriotic dogma in a Ferris Bueller-ian attempt to delay schoolwork.

Winger decries the accusation as, "A slanderous betrayal akin to 9/11."

Later after the w*r, he would refer to the theory as "essentially accurate."

Annie Edison provides humanitarian relief for both sides.

Her text conversations with Jeff Winger give us a glimpse beneath the cushions of w*r to the lost pennies and grody q-tips of w*r's emotional toll.

"Jeff, heard from one of Troy's soldiers about a speech you gave to troops at the blanket fort. Wish this w*r could be over. But proud of you for taking a stance."

Text message.

Annie Edison.

"Thank you, Annie. I'm proud of you too and of us all. Also with the nightmare would end. But using what I'm given to give what I can."

Jeff Winger.

"Jeff, just heard from one of Abed's soldiers that you gave an identical speech to troops at Pillowtown. WTF? Sad face. Special icon of a downward thumb."

"Annie, okay, you caught me. I prefer w*r to homework. How do you do that little thumb icon? I can't find it on my phone."

Jeff Winger.

"Jeff, you're disgusting. Troy and Abed's friendship is at stake. You can buy special icons and packages at the app store. Piece of Sushi, birthday cake, stop sign, snowman, umbrella."

Annie Edison.

Narrator: Pierce Hawthorne, humiliated in the Battle of Big Bulletin Board, wants a chance to redeem himself.

I'm working on something. Look at this.

You can build this?

[Chuckles] You just give me the pillows.

I hope to God we'll never have to use it.

Oh, me too.

Narrator: Rumors of Hawthorne's w*apon find their way to Troy.

Troy Barnes will take no chances.

He turns to Ben Chang, Greendale's chief of security, rumored to be literally psychotic, and who has been kept on the sidelines until this moment.

[Calming music]

[People screaming]

[Rap music]

♪ Go, go, go ♪
♪ I'm a k*ller, man ♪

Aah!

Narrator: Chang has recruited an army of preteen security interns while moonlighting at a local Bar Mitzvah.

They were later nicknamed "The Changlorious Basterds," like Inglourious Basterds, but with "Chang" instead of "In."

I don't get it either.

Most of the soldiers in this w*r hadn't fought with a pillow in years.

These little bastards.

Pillow fighting was a way of life for them.

One of the interns said they were making necklaces out of mattress tags.

This is when things get as ugly as they can get...

While still being a pillow fight.

"Crazy w*r, huh?

"I heard Chang's kids are really ducking stuff up.

"Hey, check it out. I downloaded that thing.

"Birthday cake, birthday cake, unicorn, woman's shoe.

How's the nurse thing going?"

No response.

[Sobbing]

You guys like pillows?

How do you like these pillows?

Narrator: The Changlorious Basterds have turned the w*r into a chaotic sea of high-thread-count terror.

Under advice from his top general, Abed sees no choice but to unleash his doomsday device.

[Indistinct shouting]

You're going to die, you little [bleep] bastards!

What the heck is that?

Narrator: He is part man, part pillow...

All carnage.

[Screaming]

Pierce Hawthorne has transformed himself into an unstoppably plush juggernaut.

Guys, guys, let's retreat. Go, go!

"The w*r won't stop with First Blood part II. It will escalate to Rambo III, which should really be called Rambo II: First Blood part III. But the Rambo titles never made sense. And neither does w*r."

Abed Nadir.

Facebook status update.

Leonard likes this post.

Why are you ignoring me?

What's the point of talking to you?

Your words don't mean anything.

They're just things you say to get what you want.

Well, that's what conversation is, Annie.

People saying things to get stuff.

Then maybe you should just shut up.

Do you ever just...

Write stuff down in a journal, Jeff?

One you don't show people or use to get anything with?

A place that's just for you to...

Sort out the truth?

If I write stuff down in a Hello Kitty book, will you like me again?

[Sighs]

I'm taking that as yes.

Narrator: The w*r brings out the worst in people.

Worse yet, Troy's forces intercept an e-mail written by Abed to his commanders, outlining Troy's weaknesses.

"Troy will hold on until he is broken emotionally. Fortunately, this will not be hard. He gets distracted by loud noises, the color red, smooth jazz, shiny things food smells, music boxes, bellbottoms, boobs, barking dogs, and anyone saying, "Look over there!" He's insecure about his level of intelligence. His greatest vulnerability of all is his emotional frailty. It's incredibly easy to make him cry. And he's incredibly ashamed of that fact."

Get away!

Narrator: Unfortunately, the only photographer there to capture the scene is Britta Perry.

[Camera snaps]

Yeah, gee.

There's a good one.

Pictured here lying down, Troy's does not take Abed's e-mail lying down.

"Hey, d*ck. Read your dumb e-mail. Really enjoyed it. Guess what? You may have been my best friend, but we both know I was your first friend. And what I know but you don't know because you have mental issues is that you're never going to have another friend. Because... all caps... NOBODY ELSE WILL EVER HAVE MY PATIENCE WITH YOU!"

Troy Barnes. Four-part text message.

Word got around these two were now hurting each other's feelings.

And I thought about what Annie said, and then I thought about what I might do to make things right.

Narrator: At 8:00 P.M. of the second night, both sides are honoring an agreed upon cease-fire so that the infantry can watch the hit TV show Ski, sh**t, Sing, a combination biathlon singing competition, which was no fun to watch time-shifted because then you'd be the last to know who won.

During the cease-fire, Jeff summons Troy and Abed to a secret summit meeting.

This has to stop.

Tell him.

Me? What about your e-mail?

You weren't supposed to see that.

You weren't supposed to think those things.

Guys, look at yourselves.

You didn't used to be like this.

You were Troy and Abed. Things used to be easy.

He's right.

Our friendship is dead. What?

Yeah, I think we should agree right now that whoever wins this w*r can stay in the apartment.

Loser has to find a new place.

Agreed.

Uh, I wanted that to go different.

[Dramatic music]

Narrator: The North Cafeteria, named after admiral William North, is located in the western portion of East Hall, gateway to the western half of North Hall, which is named not after William North, but for its position above the South Wall.

It is the most contested and confusing b*ttlefield on Greendale's campus, next to the English Memorial Spanish Center, named after English Memorial, a portuguese sailor that discovered Greendale while looking for a fountain that cured syphilis.

In a fit of hurt feelings, Troy redirects most of his infantry to the Cafeteria.

They arrive at the same time as 100 Pillowtown troops.

Just after dawn, the end of the w*r begins.

[Overlapping shouting]

[Somber music]

♪ ♪

[Cackling]

♪ ♪

Aah! Okay, I'm out.

[Grunts] I'm dead, I'm dead.

I'm dead. I'm dead.

♪ ♪

[Heroic music]

♪ ♪

[Whistle blowing]

Well, that's it.

I just heard from the Guinness rep.

He's not coming.

He's been fired, in what he described as the world's biggest mistake.

I doubt that will make the next edition.

Anyway, it's over.

What a colossal waste of 2 1/2 days.

Narrator: The w*r has no more reason to continue, and yet it does between the two that began it.

They just kept fighting.

Like, for hours.

Come on, guys. Let's wrap this up.

I don't want to.

Me neither.

Why not?

This is going to be the last thing we ever do together.

We can't stop.

Doesn't that kind of solve your problem?

The realization that you like each other so much, you'd hit each other with pillows forever?

Knowing that doesn't feel like enough anymore.

Yeah. We're grown-ups now.

We have grown-up problems.

That's very clear.

Unless...

You use those magical friendship hats that I got for you.

We're not stupid, Jeffrey.

We know you made those sarcastically.

Yes, yes.

And I will roll my eyes at both of you when I put them on your heads because that's the way I am.

But that's not the way you have to be.

We might be interested.

Okay, then.

Here's your magical Friendship Hat, and...

Jeff.

What?

You left the magical Friendship Hats at the Dean's office.

Right.

Of course. I'll go get them.

So Jeff went out, and he stayed out long enough to make them believe he had gone back to the office.

That was a nice touch. [Laughs]

There you go.

Lucky no one grabbed them, huh?

[Camera snaps]

Narrator: Britta Perry is there to immortalize the moment on film...

Accidentally while trying to get a picture of the light hitting a stack of nearby waffles.

Pierce, take that off.

I can't hear you! Your cheeks are in the way.

First entry in my stupid journal.

Today I had to run and get two imaginary Friendship Hats from an office.

I could've just walked around the corner and the come back, but for some reason, I actually went all the way back to where they were supposed to be.

One was crumpled up a bit. That was Troy's.

The other was just a little dusty. That was Abed's.

I fixed them up even though I was the only one watching because I settled on a truth today that's always going to be true.

I would do anything for my friends, which I think is how everyone in the world feels, which finally makes me understand w*r.

Guys...

I wasn't going to show this to anyone, but, uh, it's pretty profound.

I kind of nailed it.

If you want, I can read it in the documentary.

That is, unless you get Tom Hanks.

Narrator: We tried to get Tom Hanks, but he's too expensive.

So we used the people involved for their own voiceover.

Yeah, and I nailed that too.

Narrator: Why are you here at the same time as me?

Tight schedule.

Hey, were you in The Cape?

No.

[Phone rings]

Wow.

Mm.

I've got goosebumps.

Me too. Such a great story.

I was on the edge of my seat, and I was in it.

You want to know what struck me while I was watching that marvelous documentary?

Hmm?

You can't get quality programming like that anywhere else but right here on Greendale Campus Television.

Just thinking that same thing.

You can't get Troy and Abed: Pillows and Blankets.

Or any of these other great specials, like Craig Pelton: A Year in Paris.

From Labs to Riches: The Annie's Boobs Story or That's Enter-Chang-Ment.

Folks, we know you hate these constant pledge drives.

We know you hate them. We don't love doing them.

We don't like doing them either.

I'd rather be at home right now.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, taking a warm bath with my wife.

But if you want to help us out, if you want to help Greendale Campus Television to stay on the air, keep the lights on.

We are literally this close to losing our...