04x05 - Cooperative Escapism In Familial Relations

[bunniefuu]

Well... See you after the break.

What are you all doing for Thanksgiving?

I'm having Andre's whole family over, though he'll be stuck working at the stereo store for Black Friday.

Oh, sure, you get to say that, but we're stuck calling it "Jew Friday."

Ugh, ill be with my family, fielding the same old questions.

"How's community college?"

"What's your major?"

"Are those real?"

My aunt's boyfriend.

"Oh, my family's a normal religion, "so I have to talk to them for five minutes before I get a casserole that's all marshmallow."

That's you.

Brainstorm.

Why don't you all come over to my house?

I'll have plenty of food.

That would be great.

Marshmallows.

Sounds good to me.

I was going to microwave buttered noodles, but this sounds equally promising.

I'm in. Oh, goody.

Well, you know, you're all welcome, of course.

I'm in.

Or, you know, Jeff or whoever.

Can't. Plans.

Well, if you change your mind, I can't think of anyone who would enjoy having you more.

How-Dean, pilgrims.

Is that...

John Wayne, yes.

Oh, good, you got it.

Anyhoo, I just thought I'd mosey on over here, invite you all to Greendale's annual Thanks-living potluck dinner, where we remember all we have to be thankful for.

There may be a statistical link to enrollment at Greendale and holiday su1c1de.

Oh.

Just a shoelace... and belt-free night full of fun.

You should all drop by.

Or Jeff. Or whoever.

Oh, he can't. He has plans.

Oh, right, you are spending Thanksgiving with your father.

[All gasp]

I thought I told you to stop reading my email.

Yeah, well, I thought I told you to stop keeping secrets.

How am I supposed to keep track of what you tell me in confidence and what I hear through your walls with a glass to my ear?

Fine. Close your mouths.

I'm having Thanksgiving with my estranged father.

Can we move on now?

Makes sense.

Jeff's at a point in his life where he needs a strong father figure to come out to.

Jeff, this is huge news.

Huger news.

Was this decision made after our Halloween conversation?

Yes, after. Not because of.

I'll take it.

[Hip-hop music playing]

You had that teed up?

When I say "thera," you say "pist."

Thera... pist.

Thera...

[all groaning]

Thanks for the support, guys.

Oh, the support has just begun.

What do you want me to bring to papa Winger's house, some vegan pumpkin pie?

Britta, you're not coming.

Fine, regular pumpkin pie.

Jeff, you're going to need me when things get messy and emotional.

The only thing that's going to get messy and emotional is Troy, when he realizes there are yams underneath those marshmallows.

I knew it was too good to be true.

Jeff, speaking not just as your friend but as an avid daytime TV watcher, these parent-child reunions can get intense.

Chairs might be thrown.

Weaves might be pulled.

Or I could just go in there, show him how awesome I am, no thanks to him, meet my half-brother...

[All gasping]

And then, boom. Closure.

Your dad has another son?

Yeah. So, clearly, he's moved on.

Why can't I? Close your mouths.

Look, I appreciate your concern, but really, the most helpful thing you can do is stay out of my business.

Oh, can you say that last part again?

These walls are entirely too thick.

♪ Give me some rope ♪
♪ tie me to dream ♪
♪ give me the hope ♪
♪ to run out of steam ♪
♪ somebody said it can be here ♪
♪ we could be roped up ♪
♪ tied up, dead in a year ♪
♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪
♪ one by one, they all just fade away ♪

[Doorbell rings]

Oh! Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Hey.

Hi.

Let's carve that jive turkey!

Got that out of your system?

Yeah.

Then I'm so happy to welcome you all to my home.

Oh, thank you.

Hello, come in.

Take your coats off. Make yourself comfortable.

Browse the available literature about Jesus Christ as your personal savior.

Or not. No agenda.

Are you going to pass some apps soon, or do I have to die of starvation to prove a point?

Oh, everybody, this is Mr. Bennett, my father-in-law.

Dad, these are my friends from college.

[Farts]

Oh, yeah. That's Andre's people.

They're a bunch of characters.

That's a good one, dad.

Oh, I brought something.

Oh.

Dip.

Oh, Abed, why is this seven layer dip so puffy?

Oh, it's been in the fridge for two years.

I was saving it for a special occasion.

Oh, that's so thoughtful.

I'm going to put this on a nice platter with some crackers in the trash.

Where's Britta?

Hey, Jeff. What's up?

What's up is closure.

I met my dad, we talked things out as men.

I think I'm ready to move on.

Really, in 20 minutes?

Fine. Look, I couldn't do it.

I was at the front door, totally in control, and then I started thinking about all that stuff you said about messiness, and it threw me off my game.

You know, the irony is, after all your pestering that I deal with my daddy issues, you're the reason I'm not meeting my father.

Or maybe I'm the reason you'll come here after all.

Britta, I...

Wait. What do you mean by "here"?

Your dad's house, where I kind of, sort of, am.

Yeah, thanks, Sharon.

I never thought about it that way.

Batman is sort of gay.

Be right back.

What is going on?

Why is Thanksgiving so terrible?

I know.

The tension, the backbiting, the judgmental comments.

This makes Thanksgiving with my family look... eh, still pretty bad.

I said Batman was gay.

Ugh. Sheesh.

You ask one lady if she's Tyler Perry in drag, and suddenly, you're the bad guy.

It's a reference. That's my humor.

Abed gets it.

Oh, you're all hiding out in here.

We're not hiding.

You know us, hide away.

Well, be careful.

You might be giving the impression that you prefer the cold garage to the warm heart of my hospitality.

What? As if.

Yay.

Uh-huh. Okay.

Well, hurry back soon.

This is the Jonestown of dinners.

I feel like I'm in jail.

And you know what happens to guys like me in jail.

They get really into push-ups, and I am fine with my upper body the way it is!

It did feel like a prison, and that meant only one thing made sense, conceptually.

We had to break out.

And someone with the gravitas of Morgan Freeman had to narrate it.

We need to do a prison break.

Happy Thanksgiving?

You really "you'd" this one, huh?

Okay, yes, I meddled against your wishes, and yes, I got this address from the Dean, but hey.

You had a moment of doubt, and here I am to help you through it.

Psychology tells us there are no accidents.

Oh, really?

What about car accidents, Tara Reid, or the Hindenburg?

Here goes nothing.

Hello, William.

So, uh... how about we make a couple of ground rules?

Actually, that sounds good. Okay. No hugs.

Wouldn't want one. No apologies.

Wouldn't accept one. No calling you "dad."

No expectations.

No B.S.

Drink?

Scotch.

18?

Neat.

I just want to acknowledge that there are a lot of emotions flowing right now, and you two are probably feeling a strong impulse to sleep with each other, and hey, that's normal.

Wow. I'll get the drinks.

So, how about that? No muss, no fuss.

Jeff, I urge you not to run from the muss and fuss.

Hi.

Hi.

You must be my half-brother.

Oh, your hands are so much bigger than mine.

Your nail beds are perfect.

I can't do it. I can't.

Oh, God.

Oh, it's coming up.

When I get upset, I vomit.

Oh, I see you've met Willy Junior.

You said he wasn't going to replace me.

He's the Schwarzenegger. I'm the DeVito.

I get it.

[Laughs]

Okay, fellas, let's get right into it.

I think the big question on everyone's mind is why don't I go help Willy Junior?

Hmm?

One thing was clear to me and the rest of the crew.

Bennett lockup was not where we belonged.

We belonged in the sun, with the wind in our hair, or maybe at a Bennigan's, enjoying a Turkey O'Toole.

We should tunnel out.

Abed, Shirley is our friend, and we're guests in her home.

We need a plan that won't hurt her feelings, or damage her property.

Definitely don't look behind that poster, then.

I could pretend to have a stroke.

Do a gibberish foreign language.

What if I did a gibberish foreign language like Star Wars?

You'd like that, I bet. d*ck.

Look, I'm sure we'll figure out a way out of here.

What's important right now is that we stick together.

Yeah.

Oh, there you are.

Who wants a pre-dinner snack?

[Groans] Oh!

Oh, pumpkin, what's wrong?

Oh, it's too embarrassing to talk about in front of the guys, know what I mean, girlfriend?

Oh, sweetie.

Do you have your monthly shame?

Do you want to lie down in Elijah's room?

Oh, I don't think that's going to cut it.

I probably need to go home and call Dr. Collins.

It's that bad.

Oh, well, you know, my sister-in-law's a gynecologist, and she's right in the other room.

There's no need to bother your doctor on a holiday.

Go ahead. Mm-hmm.

I'd like to tell you Annie avoided.

Shirley's doctor sister-in-law, but this ain't no fairy tale.

This is Thanksgiving.

Let's see, what else?

You've got some diabetes, on my mother's side.

Good to know.

I like your hair.

The presence of it, I mean.

So I have a question, and it's been weighing on me pretty heavily.

At your age, in the bedroom...

Oh, yeah. It's all good.

Yeah?

Real good.

Look at them. Bonding.

Probably laughing 'cause I can't grow a beard.

I have an idea.

Why don't we use these dinner rolls to do some "roll" play?

I see what I did there.

Okay.

This roll, this is me.

He's crying.

Good. That's really good.

So, uh, what do you do?

I'm a lawyer who faked a bachelor's degree and practiced law for seven years before I got caught.

[Laughs]

I like your hustle.

Reminds me of the summer I was Ralph Lauren out in St. Tropez.

'83, I'm on a boat with, uh...

Damn it, Willy!

I'm expressing.

Knock it off.

Why can't you just swallow it, like any normal person?

Oh! Oh, right. Like your new son.

Like mister... mister ive got my shirt...

I don't know a lot of personal details about you yet.

Well, my name's Jeff.

Don't help me, mister helper guy.

First mom dies, now this?

Hey, she d*ed 20 years ago, Willy.

He keeps singing the same old song.

Wow. She d*ed on you.

Here I thought you'd become father of the year, but you just got stuck.

Yeah, well, look, I don't have to tell you I'm not a natural caretaker, but with Willy, you know, I-I checked all the boxes, and he still turned out softer than wet cheese.

I don't get it.

He keeps saying he's going to move out next week, since '03.

Oh, man, I couldn't wait to get out.

I got my own place when I was 18.

I was the same way.

So who's ready to eat?

Jeff, you care to carve the turkey?

I knew it!

You love him more than me.

I'll show you. I'll run away.

Oh, please. Hey, be my guest.

You run away, and I'm going to sleep like a baby tonight.

Oh, now, I'm sorry you guys had to see that, but maybe you could shrink his head, since you're here for some reason.

Yes. I can do this.

Show me on the dinner roll where you're hurt!

And that's how it went for the afternoon.

This tag team turkey day became our routine.

We endured the indignities as best we could.

Cousins fighting, complaints about the food, listening to a nephew do Borat for a full hour.

We figured out ways to steal away from time to time, saying we had to pee, had to get ice, had to do a jewish thing in the other room.

[Harmonica playing]

I became known as the guy who could get you things piece of gum, playing cards, some novelty glasses I found in a box marked "crap."

In those brief, tranquil moments, we felt human.

We felt free.

But sooner or later, our warden would come knocking.

Mostly, we just waited for our time to be served, but some didn't take kindly to waiting.

Some didn't have much time left.

Enough. Amateur hour is over.

I'm going in there, pretend to break a hip, and we'll be sipping Sambuca at Skeepers in no time.

[Faint commotion]

Whoa. He tripped on the rug.

Wait, now he's getting up.

He's walking around dazed like he's got a head injury.

Oh, groin into the corner of the table.

This might actually work.

Ow.

[Laughter]

Wait, wait, why are people laughing?

[Grunts]

Let's see, I need a broom, a rake, or two rakes...

Pierce, you were supposed to pretend to injure yourself so we could leave.

Leave?

This is my showtime at the Apollo.

I'm k*lling out there.

[Guests cheering]

Pierce was our last hope, or so we thought.

It seemed Troy Barnes had a plan.

What if we got sick?

No. No more faking illnesses.

Not fake sick. Real sick.

And that's when I told my old firm to shove it.

I've always been more of a free agent, anyway.

Yeah, I can see that about you.

You seem like a self-made man.

Well, I kind of had to be.

Look, if it's okay with you, id like to break a rule.

I know we said "no mushy stuff," but for what it's worth, I'm proud of you.

Wow. Thanks.

Makes you think.

Wait, what do you mean?

Well, look, I mean, you've seen how Willy turned out.

I mean, I haven't done that kid any favors.

And so I look at you, so self-reliant and well-adjusted, and I think maybe I did something right.

You did something right?

Well, let me say that different.

Uh, the universe is a constantly expanding...

Stop.

I get the impulse, but that's not going to work here.

No, I just mean that, uh, we are defined by what happens to us, and me leaving seems to have made you independent, made you strong.

With all due respect, which is none, go to hell.

So tunneling out is off the table?

Who's hungry for turkey?

Shirley, we were just...

About to...

Eat garbage dip.

Why did I have to go third?

Look, I get it. You want to leave.

Shirley, we're sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

To be honest, I invited you as a bit of a buffer.

With Andre's family, I'm always the butt of the joke, and with Andre gone this year, I thought I could tip the scales in my favor by having a few friends around.

That was wrong of me.

See you Monday.

[Door closes]

I can't believe none of us noticed she was having such a hard time.

We can't leave.

Funny thing about prison.

Sometimes the person you thought was your warden turns out to be a fellow prisoner, which doesn't really line up with the whole Shawshank thing, but maybe we've always been doing more of a Prison Break.

The show.

Whoa, what are you doing in my car?

Take me with you.

Teach me what you know.

What in the cat's cradle is happening?

Dad hates me.

What do you care what that guy thinks?

He's a d*ck.

See, that's what I need to learn!

How to be all dead inside with muscles on top, not all emotional and flabby.

Yeah, but you are emotional, and if you pretend you're not, you're only letting him off the hook for being a terrible father, which he is and always has been.

I mean, he meant the world to you, and you meant nothing to him, and if you run away now, he'll never know.

He should know.

Britta's the worst.

Ow! Jeez.

[Indistinct chatter]

Oh. I thought you guys left.

We started as your buffer, but we're busting you out of here now.

Mm-hmm.

I drew a map of your house on my stomach.

Uh, I know what my house looks like.

That's what I said.

Look, if we act fast, we can get through this plan, which is to put you in the trash can, take you out like trash, but we got to dress you like a baby.

[Overlapping chatter]

Thank you so much for doing this, but I'm not going anywhere.

Those people up there, they may be rude, they may be pushy, they may have come to some wrongheaded conclusions about Batman and Robin...

Oh, thank you.

But they're my family, and family means putting up with each other even when it's hard.

You guys can go. I'll be fine.

Actually, we're going to stay.

Oh.

Yeah.

Family sticks it out.

That's ni...

Okay, full disclosure.

We're hiding out from that crazy white guy.

You came back!

I'm sorry.

You should take some credit for who ive become.

Okay.

So, let me tell you how I turned out, just so you're crystal clear on your impact.

I am not well-adjusted.

More often than not, I am barely keeping it together.

I'm constantly texting, and there's no one at the other end.

I'm just a grown man who can't even look his own friends in the eye for too long because I'm afraid that they'll see that I am broken.

So you get credit for that.

Oh, come on, now...

One time, when I was in seventh grade, I told everybody at school that I had appendicitis.

I wanted someone to worry about me.

But when Beth Brannon asked to see the scar, I didn't want to get found out, so I took mom's scissors, and I made one.

It hurt like hell, but it was worth it.

Because I got 17 cards, and I still keep them in a box underneath my bed 22 years later because it proves that someone, at some point, cared about me.

You want to see the scar?

So you get credit for that, too.

This is me.

Look, Jeff, I, uh...

[Shouts]

Daddy!

Are you faking a heart att*ck?

Kind of a Hail Mary.

Happy Thanksgiving, dad.

Look, you're probably feeling a very strong urge to sleep with me right now, and that is normal.

Sha.

Britta, thank you.

You were right.

You're not going to get all "jock jams" on me, are you?

No, of course not.

I left my boom box at school.

[Knocking on window]

Oh. Jeez.

You got to stop doing that.

Thank you. Come here, brother.

Oh.

Come here, brother.

Wow.

Why don't you save some for Christmas, buddy, okay?

And then Pierce did whiteface over blackface.

No one was amused.

It's meta. Abed gets it.

So, Troy, how was your first real Thanksgiving?

No offense to Shirley, but I don't see what the fuss is about.

Thanksgiving's the wors...

Oh!

I heard your Thanksgiving wasn't much better than mine, so I thought we could take some time and be grateful for our real family.

The one we chose.

So pretty.

Sit, sit, sit.

We never got to do a Shawshank homage, not the way I wanted to.

Maybe the hardest prisons to break out of are the ones without locks.

Wait, that doesn't make any sense.

After that day, Jeff seemed like a man unburdened.

He told me about seeing his father again, about how leaving there felt like breaking free of an emotional prison he'd been in for years.

Something about shackles on his heart?

To be honest, I stopped listening.

I was thinking about Christmas.

I hope we do Die Hard.

I hope it's in a restaurant.

I hope it lays out as cleanly as it does in my dreams.

I hope it's cool.

Cool, cool, cool.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, including you, Dean.

[Humming]

Oh, my.

I'll have to remember this for next year.