04x10 - Intro To Knots

[bunniefuu]

It's open!

Look at us. Our group's first grown-up Christmas party.

Thanks for hosting. I hope you don't mind.

I brought a few things just to make the place look a little less short-term corporate housing.

Oh, well, mi casa es su art project.

Cool.

Figured just a little something there, a little zhuzh right there.

Just a few things to add a little Annie.

Annie, do we have to have another talk about you wanting to play house with me?

Sha. Sha-na-not.

I'm just decorating for a party.

Oh, I saw these curtains, and I couldn't resist.

Let's just live with them for a night.

We can totally return them. Oh, let's totally return them.

Jeff. Live with them for one night.

Actually, these will also work for Valentine's day, presidents day, whenever people get to see it.

Annie, what is this?

Oh. I know we said no gifts, but I couldn't resist.

You realize you've just put your friends in a very awkward position.

A gift creates obligation.

I don't see it that way.

Well, I do, and I think the others will too.

[Knock at door] Merry Christmas.

I know we said no gifts, but I couldn't resist.

Oh, who couldn't have seen that coming?

Oh, Annie, I love what you did with the place.

It's a work in progress.

Good tidings, fellow Christmas celebrators.

And to all a good wassailing.

I know we said no gifts, but we couldn't resist.

There's a real problem with resistance in this group.

Hi. Thank you all so much for inviting me to my first Christmas.

Oh, Annie explained to me that "no gifts" means "bring gifts."

I'm getting it. No means yes.

[Humming]

So this is Christmas. Just this.

I was hoping we could do a Die Hard in a restaurant.

There's a place called Nakatomi Sushi.

I hear the Hans Grouper is to die for.

Come on, people, it's all spelled out in your evites.

I know you opened them. Oh, I brought gifts.

Does Annie live here now?

Okay. Now that we're all here...

Oh, wait. Where's Pierce?

Oh, sensitivity training with Gilbert.

Apparently watching Invictus didn't do the trick.

Oh. Okay.

Well, now that we are all here, I have some good news and some bad news.

Great. Black licorice?

I have to start with the bad news.

It's about our history paper.

I heard through back channels we got a failing grade.

All: What?

Kendra told me.

She does assistant work for Professor Cornwallis.

I'll bet she does.

We failed? This is terrible.

I need that paper to graduate.

Who screwed up their section?

Jeff, it doesn't matter.

No, it matters to me.

I want to know who cost me my early graduation.

I didn't do anything wrong.

I worked really hard.

Guys, there's no need to point fingers, because I haven't told you the good news.

I invited the professor to our party tonight.

Annie!

What? How is that better?

No, no, Annie's right. This could work.

I mean, the grade isn't etched in stone.

I mean, these British guys like to socialize with their students.

We just need to show him a good time, laugh at his jokes, love whatever he loves, and by the end of the night I bet you we can get that grade back up to a "C."

Who knows? Maybe even an "C."

Or something realistic.

And just like that our pleasant holiday party turned into a tense, high-stakes secret mission.

No costumes. No funny voices.

Oh.

Okay.

But, for the purpose of story symmetry, I suggest we wait here silently until the professor arrives.

It's the only real plot point we need next.

Oh, what... this is ridic...

[Doorbell rings]

♪ Give me some rope ♪
♪ tie me to dream ♪
♪ give me the hope ♪
♪ to run out of steam ♪
♪ somebody said it can be here ♪
♪ we could be roped up ♪
♪ tied up, dead in a year ♪
♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪
♪ one by one, they all just fade away ♪

All: Hi!

I'm sorry. I can't stay long.

I've got my daughter in town.

Didn't want to appear rude.

Was I expected to bring a gift?

No. Nor was anyone else.

Can I show you around, starting with the bar?

A lovely place. Very feminine.

[Gasps] Did you hear him use "feminine" as an insult?

Typical phallo-centric worldview.

I bet he gave us a failing grade because he could tell my section was written by a strong, independent...

Would you excuse me? I've just seen an old friend.

Hurry back soon.

Hey, Abed, got you an early Christmas gift.

I know you were bummed about not doing Die Hard in a restaurant.

And your recent divorce.

To Abed: Yippee-ki-yay, Father Christmas.

I tried to get you "Taking Off Shoes," but I didn't know how to wrap it.

John McClane's t*nk top?

You're getting really good at Christmas, Troy.

Ooh, things I've never seen before.

It's Macallan Eighteen.

I like to serve it neat if that's okay with you?

What, in America?

Don't you mix it with cherry pop or Monterey Jack cheese?

Professor, these are melon slices with ham.

And asparagus wrapped in salmon.

I see somebody's been attempting tapas.

Oh, that would be me.

I think cuisine is like a window into history.

I believe it was the hun...

Actually, you know, I was talking to the ladies.

Both: Oh.

Well, ill let... ill leave you three be, all right?

Britta.

Look, the professor seems to be responding to things that I don't have, so you gotta get in there and jiggle something.

He hates me.

He called me Broken Barbie all year.

Well, we're all gonna have to work it if we're gonna get that grade changed.

Be honest. Your section sucked, right?

No way. I read an entire book on the Peloponnesian w*r.

Wow. You pronounced it right.

Then someone else had to t*nk it for us to get that "F."

Someone else?

Can you keep a secret?

Yeah.

I blew my section off.

What?

Well, there was a secret Tom Waits show in town, so I did the math.

There's seven sections to the paper.

Annie gets an "A," Pierce buys his from Neil, so that's solid.

And then you guys get "B"s and "C"s, so, I figured if my section gets an "F," the worst we could end up with is a "C-minus."

So you just left your section blank?

No, of course not.

I copied and pasted the lyrics to w*r, What Is It Good For?

Good God.

Shh.

Your friends were counting on you.

Well, that's their fault.

I have carefully cultivated a persona that screams, "You're on your own."

That's my judgey face.

Noted. I'll make it right.

I'm going back in.

How's it going? Well, he asked me to get my fit bum to the kitchen for a refill, so that's good, right?

Kevin's showing him a card trick.

What? Oh, God.

Is this a card?

No, it isn't. Queen of Hearts.

No, I'm asking, is this a card?

Hey, Kevin, did you know that we have bubble wrap?

What?

Poppy poppy paper.

I so enjoy that. Do you mind if I pop some?

Oh, go crazy.

Changnesia.

I mean, why do you indulge that idiot?

Oh, I, too, was skeptical at first, but now I actually have some sympathy.

I believe it was tacitus who said...

You know, Mr. Winger, your pathetic attempts to suck up to me are a wee bit transparent.

I mean, I can only surmise that it's something to do with the "C-minus" I gave you for that final paper.

"C-minus"?

Oh, thank you. Is this the...

If you'll excuse us.

Annie, he's giving us a "C-minus."

Right.

A "C-minus" is not a failing grade.

To me, it is.

I'm on a Valedictorian track, and a "C-minus" means I fail to get Valedictorian.

You ruined our Christmas dinner so you could be crowned the smartest person at the dumbest school?

Look, the only reason I agreed to kiss that pompous anglo's ass was because I thought we were getting an "F."

Good news, Mr. Winger.

You may remove your lips from my buttocks, because you have in fact succeeded in changing your grade.

It's now an "F." What?

You're "F" -ing us?

Professor, if you could just give us a minute, this has been a terrible misunderstanding, and I'm sure we can get this whole thing sorted out.

Bedroom. Now.

Jeff just got us an "F."

I thought we had an "F."

No, we were lied to.

This isn't fun. That guy's creepy.

Yeah, if there's a human version of Scrooge McDuck, this guy is it.

This wouldn't have happened if Jeff hadn't taunted him.

No, it wouldn't have happened if you hadn't decided a "C-minus" isn't good enough.

When are you gonna grow up and realize that grades don't matter outside of school?

That's a lie they tell dumb people when they're fitting them for work boots.

All we needed was a passing grade, and we had it until you dragged us into this mess.

Judgey face.

All right.

I will talk to him, man to man, and try to get our "C-minus" back.

Ah!

Annie, it's the best we can do right now.

Let me handle this. Let go of me, you big, hairy nutter!

I'm proving my worth to you guys.

Do you want me to k*ll him?

Kevin bad!

I have Changnesia.

I'm not a dog.

Professor, we're so sorry.

Obviously, Kevin made a mistake.

Or did he?

Why are you "or did he" -ing him?

I'm just saying the professor can't get any more tied up, and we can't get any less than an "F," so let's just take a b*at and think this through.

Okay, this is way better than Die Hard in a restaurant.

So what exactly is your plan here, Mr. Winger?

I mean, I'm certainly not gonna change your grade, and it'll take several days to starve me as I really loaded up on that dreadful tapas.

Oh, but you already have changed it, professor.

You just dropped it to an "F," thereby proving the work on the page is not the only factor you consider.

And now, thanks to Kevin's complete misreading of the situation, we have our moment of maximum leverage, so let's just talk about this "F."

Maybe it can come up to a "C-minus," or, who knows, perhaps an "A."

This is actually a felony.

I mean, I will call the police, and you will all go to jail.

Let me explain to you why you won't do that.

First, he's tied up.

First, you're tied up, and second, who can really be sure what happened in this apartment?

Maybe you att*cked one of us.

Oh, really? Where are the signs of struggle?

Oh.

You were full of scotch when things took a dark turn.

We'd all heard about your troubles with co-eds back at Oxford, but it was becoming all too real.

As you lumbered around the room, we had to assume you were coming after me or Britta.

Ah-ah-ahem!

Or Shirley, who I didn't mention earlier, because she intimidates you sexually.

Thank you.

Point being, let's just take the idea of the police off the table, shall we, professor?

Fine. You think you can hold this group together without anyone cracking?

Oh, we're solid.

Empires are always destroyed from within.

And I can prove it to you from the comparative comfort of this tacky chair.

I will give an "A" right now to the first person that unties me.

The rest of you will fail.

[All shouting]

Stay where you are.

This is amazing and possibly all in real time.

Everybody, stop it. No one listen to him.

The Professor's job is to make us turn on one another. We hold all the cards as long as we stay united.

And, Kevin, you're one of us.

Thank you.

All right.

Who will be the betrayer... the type-A Lolita, the put-upon housewife... Is that me?

Or how about you, the odd, emotionless Muslim?

I mean, come on, you don't deserve an "f."

And you know that, because of your impairment, they'll forgive you anyway.

All true, but I'm probably not your best target.

If you don't mind, id like to get some popcorn.

Typically, it takes a while for villains to ramp up.

Promise not to monologue till I get back?

Give it up, professor. You got nothing.

Oh, ive got plenty.

Why don't we just let him go and be done with this?

It's Christmas. We have gifts to unwrap.

Don't you see? We can't now or someone will get the "a."

No one wants to screw the group.

Oh, you see that, professor?

Your offer actually made it harder for you to get untied, because no one wants to be the betrayer.

Beware the Ides of March, Mr. Winger.

Everyone wants to be the betrayer.

What the hell is your game?

I'm trying to teach you history.

Your failure will be the same as any self-obsessed nation.

You only care about each other when you're winning.

The Romans loved Rome when it was raping half the world, but when Hannibal came charging over the Alps, the Romans turned on themselves as quickly as you can say, "e pluribus unum."

I'm pretty sure it's "anus."

Usually, the cracks are hidden within the alliances.

So let's see.

In any group of seven, there's bound to be some romantic entanglements.

See, ive noticed that the damaged blonde is dating the childish black one, I wonder, does anyone take issue with that pairing?

You're fishing, professor. No one has anything against Britta and Troy dating.

And that's coming from Jeff, and we used to date, so...

Britta, information is a*mo.

And what we did was not dating.

Uh.

Ah. A little friction.

That usually indicates heat.

Heat? There's no heat.

If there was heat, id be nervous, and, if I was nervous, id be rambling, and I'm definitely not rambling, so there's no heat.

Ah, well, I think we found our triangle.

Thank you and welcome to the party, Troy.

He knows my name.

Guys, keep it together.

[Microwave beeps]

[Chuckles]

I missed something great, didn't I?

Enough. It's time to stop arsing about and get serious.

So let's hear it from the one person who needs that "a" the most and can't possibly abide by an "f," the one person on pace to become class Valedictorian.

I would never turn against the group.

I'm not talking about you, Miss Edison.

What? Abed?

Jeff? Is it me?

Oh, my God, Britta?

First of all, it's me, and, second of all, you put Britta ahead of me?

None taken.

Oh, my God, Shirley.

Why didn't you ever tell me about it?

I didn't think it was a competition.

Oh, of course you'd play it that way so I wouldn't be expecting...

A church-going mother of three to be smart, huh?

So, Miss Edison, it's decision time, isn't it?

Annie, don't listen to him.

You know you can't make Valedictorian with an "f," and you can eliminate your competition in one easy step.

What else do you have to lose, my dear?

I mean, these people, they're not here to support you.

I mean, they already hate you for this disaster of a party.

Not this guy.

No. I can't.

Give it up, professor. You've fired all your b*ll*ts.

No, ive got one more b*llet left, and it's a doozy.

Mr. Winger, would you like to tell your friends why they did so poorly on this paper, or shall I?

Jeff?

Jeff?

Jeffrey.

I tanked my section.

I knew you guys would all work hard, so I just coasted.

Tom Waits was... Ah!

Ow.

You cost me Valedictorian.

He cost me Valedictorian. That was my punch.

[All shouting]

Tom Waits! [Doorbell rings]

Oh, my God.

Jeff, do you have any milk duds?

Jeffrey, I know you're in there.

[Sing song] I can smell you.

Did I have the game on too loud?

Is everything okay?

I was just spending an evening with my two irresistible lady friends, Rizzoli and Isles, when I heard... wait a minute.

What the hell is going on in here?

All: No, don't!

I can explain.

No explanation necessary.

Next time you decide to have a party without me, Jeffrey, at least have the decency to do it when I'm in spin class.

I'm a blast at holiday-themed parties.

Where the hell is he?

Professor? Did he leave?

Why in God's name would I leave?

[All scream]

This is just getting interesting.

Now, one of you untied me.

I wonder who it was.

Who is the Benedict Arnold, the true hero of this story?

Oh, no, what's gonna happen when we find out who betrayed us? I wonder why you're so scared.

It wasn't me.

Can we just say a ghost did it again?

We're gonna find out who did it when we get our grade.

No, we'll have to find out now.

Otherwise, the lesson isn't complete.

But the lesson is complete, professor.

You know what you taught us tonight?

That, yes, empires fall, but we're no empire.

We're just a bunch of flawed, selfish people.

And that's not our weakness.

It's our strength.

The one thing that we can count on at any given moment is that the six of us are paying for a mistake made by one of us.

And that means, at any given moment, one of us is screwing up so badly, that he or she is gonna forgive whoever screws up next.

Now I'm gonna do something that Octavian never would... yeah, I read the book.

I'm gonna say that whoever untied the professor...

I don't give a crap.

Because whoever it was, I know it was some flawed, selfish, weak, hopeless soul like me.

Exactly what the betrayer would say.

Fine, d*ck, if it was me, I'm gonna lose my "a" by tying you up again.

Ow! [All shouting]

Get over here.

That's hurting. That's hurting.

[Cackles]

Now, if you'll excuse us, we have some gifts to open.

Ooh, mine first, mine first.

Milady.

Mm, Kevin, did you wrap these presents yourself?

Once again, I'm not a dog.

Zoink.

Doink.

Kevin, how do you tie a knot?

Really simple.

So you go...

Make a little rabbit ear like so, then the kids go marching down the well.

Oh...my...God.

Professor, you were never tied up.

What?

What do you want me to say?

What do you want me to say?

That I did it because I'm lonely?

That my daughter isn't in town?

That she never comes to see me because she finds me too manipulative?

Or you could say you're sorry for the whole thing.

Yes, I suppose that would be accurate.

And that, as compensation for the mental anguish you caused us, you'll give us an "a."

Jeff. Overreaching?

Fair enough. Maybe you can grade us separately.

That way, Shirley and Annie can get their "a" s.

No, Jeffrey, he can give us an "f" or you can give us an "a," but we should all get the same grade.

God's sake, don't rub it in.

Very well. Seeing as you saved me from my yearly Christmas tradition of plum pudding, roasted goose, and updating my su1c1de note...

[Chuckles]

I suppose I could give you a "c."

Oh.

Uh.

Plus.

[Cheers, chatter]

Merry Christmas.

All: Merry Christmas.

[Jingle Bell Rock playing]

♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell ♪
♪ jingle bell rock ♪
♪ jingle bells swing ♪
♪ and jingle bells ring. ♪

Annie!

Oh, my God.

Wow. That's really great.

All right.

♪ Jingle bell Oh, poppy poppy paper.

♪ Jingle bells chime No, there's a gift in there.

Yeah.

Buttered noodles. My favorite.

Oh!

By the way, I didn't get anyone gifts, so my gift to you all is you get to lord it over me for the next year.

No, stupid, a gift doesn't create an obligation.

It's the obligation that's a gift.

I gotta drop a deuce.

See you guys.

Hey, it's Chang.

No, they're not expelled.

I have to do something else.

[Popping]

Oh, how could I have stayed mad at you, guys?

Here, I was gonna save these for the real Christmas day, but these guys were getting antsy.

Hi, there.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Oh! [Chuckles]

August.

And this one is James.

And this one is Fiona.

And these two guys are Jeffrey.

At nice times like this, I wonder what's happening in the darkest timeline.

Timeline?

Abed, there are no dark timelines.

Your honor, I may not have a right arm, but I am armed with what's right.

My client Miss Edison did rob several drug stores, and, yes, she did s*ab several pharmacists, but let's talk about the bigger crime, that someone so beautiful has been removed from society.

Miss Edison, you are hereby released from Greendale Insane Asylum.

Are you sure you don't have a problem with our age difference?

Yeah, I wish you were even younger.

Now, come on, the others are waiting.

We've got a prime timeline to destroy.

[Evil laughter]