04x12 - Heroic Origins

[bunniefuu]

Hmm.

Shirley, did you ever date Roger Ebert?

Excuse me?

Nothing.

Britta, did you ever take pictures of your feet and post them on the Internet for money?

Sha-ha! No.

Guys, this history final is going to be k*ller.

We have to study.

[Sighs]

It's no fair Professor Cornwallis turned all hard-assed again.

Lucky Pierce.

Donating his kidney to Gilbert to get out of it.

I never thought he'd be that generous.

Although, he did seem disappointed that the operation didn't involve sleeping with a Russian woman, then waking up in a bathtub full of ice.

Hmm.

Guys!

Hmm?

History!

I am studying history.

I'm studying our history.

Abed!

Nobody bite.

We agreed no biting.

But, Jeff, it's a graduation gift.

You see, on the surface we seem like just a group of people from diverse backgrounds who have become unlikely friends.

But according to my research, our paths have crossed many times.

We were destined to meet. Like a team of superheroes.

This is our origin story.

And here...we...go.

Abed, we don't have origin stories.

We have lives.

Well, at least-- yep, just me.

So you're saying we're all connected like the classic French film trilogy Bleu, Blanc, Rouge?

No, like something more accessible.

Like Unbreakable. - Wow.

Abed, I know it's disappointing to you, but we're not superheroes.

This is the real world, not some comic book adventure.

I've done it. I've infiltrated the school.

I've learned its secrets.

I've gained everyone's trust.

And now, on the anniversary of my empire's destruction, vengeance will be mine.

[Distorted voice] No, vengeance will be ours.

Okay, can you stop that? It really creeps me out.

[Normal voice] I'm sorry. Just really love this thing.

[Distorted voice] Skymall.

[Evil laughter]

♪ Give me some rope ♪
♪ tie me to dream ♪
♪ give me the hope ♪
♪ to run out of steam ♪
♪ somebody said it can be here ♪
♪ we could be roped up ♪
♪ tied up, dead in a year ♪
♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪
♪ one by one, they all just fade away ♪

I've been doing exhaustive research into our lives.

Once I find the last one or two missing pieces, ill have conclusive proof that we were all destined to meet.

This is how we're all connected.

I call it the crazy quilt of destiny mainly because the loom of fate was already taken.

Really?

Look.

I don't care what tricks or nonsense you have in your scrapbook, Martha Stewart, but there's no way you're gonna get me to believe there's some outside force controlling my destiny.

And I think you used that particular phrasing because I know you've seen Star Wars.

[Gasps] Everybody's seen Star Wars.

Yes, but you first saw it when it was re-released in 1982 at the Greendale Palladium at 4:15 in the afternoon.

And it was the best time you ever had with your father.

How did you know that?

You keep this ticket stub in your wallet.

Abed, you can't--

Give it back!

Whoa!

Our story begins in the distant mists of a lost era: [Echoing] 2008.

I know you're all wondering how I do it.

How do I balance straight As, extracurriculars, and Israeli folk dancing every Friday night?

It's a simple matter of organization, dedication, and...

And we're back!

Then I drink your milkshake.

[Laughter]

Ah, that will never get old. [Laughter]

You guys gotta see my Juno.

Hey, Troy.

So I heard you weren't doing that great in algebra, and you know, if you need a tutor for math, id be happy to help.

I'm being recruited by colleges to play football.

Oh.

I don't have time for math.

The only thing that matters to me are statistics.

Ooh!

Uh, that's also a type of math.

[Bell rings]

But we already knew I went to high school with Troy, and it's not like he even remembered I existed.

Yeah, I don't remember her at all.

We should probably drop this.

Wait, where's Pierce on this chart?

His contribution to the group has already been noted.

Pierce Hawthorne. Fixture at Greendale.

Unavoidable.

Hey, is that a sad face?

I wouldn't know.

You have to look deeper. Here. Take this, for example.

It's a receipt I found in the back of Shirley's sock drawer on Thanksgiving.

You went in my bedroom for some comic book thing?

Oh, no, my feet were cold. Ah, here.

You should probably wash those.

Oh.

Discovering the receipt was dumb luck, but it proves that we were at the mall on the exact same day.

Shirley, do remember what you bought for $54 at the Love Hut?

What? Hmm? No.

So excited about tonight, honey.

Uh-huh. It's been too long since we had adult time without the kids.

Oh!

Well, I may have an anniversary surprise for you too.

Well, I'm in public, but, uh... you know you gonna get it, right?

You gonna get it! [Giggling]

So we were at the mall on the same day.

Unbreakable.

Mail call.

That's all right. Won't be needing it today.

But Kevin always takes the mail.

Well, today's mail's kind of important.

It's the day that I send in Greendale's lease renewal.

Lease re-new-al?

It's a critical document.

See, Greendale sublets our land from the Arapaho nation.

Ah.

Miss a renewal and faster than you can say "wounded knee," we turn into a casino and midsize concert venue.

So you only trust me with busywork?

Oh, no, that's not--

Kevin, ah-- [Laughs]

I cannot resist those puppy dog eyes.

Here.

Ah! Now, I have time to hit the seamstress.

[Giggling]

Guess all I have to say is "Ladies and gentlemen, Greendale Resort and Casino presents Steve Winwood."

Okay, I just need to find the one last smoking g*n, and I think this might be it.

I found it in a copy of the Greendale communist worker.

Look familiar?

Oh, my God.

This is me and my anarchist collective at the courthouse.

We called ourselves the An-her-chists.

[Laughs]

[Sighs]

Did you guys know that Jeff's in that photo?

Britta and Jeff: What!

Jeff. My man.

Congrats on getting your case thrown out.

Your argument was a masterpiece.

I mean, it was definitely creative.

Creative?

He convinced a judge to forgive five years back taxes by getting him to agree that you humping an American flag to Back In Black was not stripping but actually not-for-profit performance art.

Ch-chk...Boom!

Blew me away.

Come on, let's go!

Thank you.

Thank you for defending a woman's right to use her body however she chooses.

I can honestly say that right is very important to me.

Aw!

Excuse me, Mr. Winger, can we get a--

You're a hero. Hi.

Hi.

Guys!

We have got to capitalize on this momentum.

It is time An-her-chists finally takes a stand on animals rights.

There is a medical lab in an office building nearby.

Next week, I say we break in there--

Actually, we were thinking this is our last hurrah.

But this was our first hurrah.

We're just getting going.

Britta, we're done.

I had a hamburger the other day, and suddenly I'm not cold all the time.

Fine. Go. I don't need you.

What's an anarchist to do without her organization?

Jeffrey, how could you?

Well, I was a really good lawyer.

Mysti is the stripper that Andre cheated on me with, and you defended her.

Shirley, I--

If you hadn't gotten that homewrecker off, Andre never would've met her.

Jeff ends Shirley's marriage.

See? I told you we were always destined to meet.

Hmm.

Usually Jeff went to the same rec center, but I had no idea their paths crossed again.

This is good. This is really great.

We're really filling in some plot holes here.

This is good stuff. It's really good.

Have I missed something?

These aren't plot holes, Abed. This is my life.

But this kinda connection only makes our origin story more compelling.

Like how awesome it is when Uncle Ben is m*rder*d in Spider-Man.

Hmm.

My marriage almost ended.

If it weren't for Jeff, that Jezebel would've been in jail instead of between my Laura Ashley sheets.

Hey, this is not my fault.

And by the way, the case didn't work out too great for me either.

It was supposed to make my career, but it put a target on my back.

[Both laughing]

Michael Phelps, really?

And it doesn't affect his breathing?

Nope.

Mysti, can I talk to Jeff for a moment?

I will go, uh, powder my nose.

For real.

Listen.

There's this rumor going around the firm that you never received an undergraduate degree.

[Laughs] That's ridiculous.

I know.

I mean, some jag is obviously jealous of your rising star.

But the fact is, until this is settled, the bar isn't gonna let you practice.

So you got caught in your own lie?

I almost lost my family.

How does your little tragedy even compare?

Because I had to go to school here.

Abed, do not write that down.

It's not like I made Andre cheat.

Well, I happen to think it's cool that we're all connected, even if some of it's in bad ways.

I mean, I'm finally willing to forgive Annie for ruining high school.

Wait, I ruined your time in high school?

Yeah, you did.

You guys doing keg stands?

Yeah!

Anyone can do a keg stand.

I'm gonna do a keg flip.

Hey, everybody, look at this.

[All chanting "Troy"]

Ah!

Oh!

Oh, my football knee! Why!

Can I have some corn nuts?

Wah! No! Nooooo!

That had nothing to do with me.

And you already admitted that you faked that injury because you couldn't take the pressure of those football recruiters.

I faked my injury because of what you said to me.

Because of what I said?

You didn't even remember that I went to school with you.

I may have lied about that too.

Hey, guys, it's time to do senior class superlatives!

[Cheers and applause]

Okay, the first award is "Most Handsome."

And the winner is...

Troy Barnes.

Of course it is.

"Most Popular."

Troy Barnes.

No! You guys are awesome.

"Best Smile."

[Mimics brushing]

Ha ha, gotta keep 'em white.

"Best Moves." "Best Practical Joker."

"Coolest Locker."

And now, the last award of the night.

"Most Likely to Succeed."

Okay, this has to go to me, because I am most likely to succeed.

It's just a fact. You guys know.

And the winner is...

Troy Barnes.

[Cheers and applause]

[Screams]

You have got to be kidding me!

Troy Barnes, most likely to succeed?

I'm the damn Valedictorian and head of student council and president of campus crusade for Christ.

And I'm Jewish!

And you are just some mindless robot.

You just go wherever they tell you to run.

I'm sorry.

Do you go to my school?

[Laughter] Oh!

[Screaming]

[All reacting]

Pop! Pop!

Your words cut me more than hundreds of non-tempered glass shards could.

I had six different reconstructive surgeries.

I went through withdrawal.

I had to smile when I didn't feel like smiling.

That hurts my face.

Can we all just stop dredging up the past?

The only thing your fate web thing does is point out how fragile our happiness is.

If only Jeff hadn't defended that woman, if only Andre hadn't met her after I left the restaurant, if only I didn't have to pick up my kids at the mall, I--

Wait.

When? Which mall?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Hey, what movie you guys gonna see?

The Phantom Menace. It's kind of old.

[Sighs] And why do you wanna see it?

Because we like Star Wars.

Okay, if you like Star Wars, why do you wanna m*rder it and urinate on its grave?

The prequels are terrible.

I mean, seriously, wouldn't Chewbacca, at some point, go, "Hey, Yoda, I know that guy"?

He has double light sabers.

That's stupid. You're both stupid.

Well, why are you here to see the movie?

I'm not.

I go wherever it plays to warn people.

You've been warned.

Stranger said what to you?

Okay, fine. I'll come get you.

I'm sorry, baby, ill be back as soon as I can.

Okay, just stand there, okay?

This can't be.

I don't see why I have to go to a therapist.

Because after that woman chewed them out for three hours, the theater got a restraining order against you.

Yalla.

Hey, doc. By the way, someone just stole your prescription pad.

I'm trying to liberate you!

[Monkey squealing]

Ow!

You're the crazy man at the mall!

You're the one who got me busted for dr*gs!

You were out there somewhere and you weren't looking for me?

In fairness, Annie, running through a glass door might've been the drug tip-off.

All this time, I wondered what it was that brought our group together.

But I forgot one thing all heroes need.

They need an enemy.

Batman has the Joker, the Justice League has the Legion of Doom, and this study group... has me.

I'm the supervillain. Why didn't I see it before?

I'm emotionless, logical, smarter than everybody else.

Hey!

I tried sawing off Jeff's arm.

Why do you keep saying that?

I should go. It's not safe to be around me.

I'm just as bad.

I couldn't handle the monkey, so I traded it in for a glaucoma brownie, even though I knew if it bit someone, it would make them a teensy bit psychotic.

Britta's right.

We've all made some bad decisions.

And if you really wanna know who the villain is here, it's me.

Ah.

Weee! [Giggles]

Yeesh, I didn't think it was possible to put more glitter on.

It's coming off of you like Pig-Pen.

Well, some people seem to like it.

This married guy just gave me his phone number.

Can you believe his wife left him on their anniversary?

You gonna call him?

I mean, he did just win a bunch of money.

I don't know though.

You don't know what? You're not married.

You gotta grab what you want in this life.

That's the way it works.

Someone just took something important from me.

And you know what?

I admire him for it.

All right, I mean, I guess ill go talk to him.

You do that.

And I'm gonna go get "crap on other people's lawns" drunk.

To a memorable evening for both of us.

Maybe you coincidentally affected some of us.

But I actively endorsed pain.

I was the bad guy, and...

I'd like to think I'm not that guy anymore.

Also, and I hate to bring this up, you did once make me pee myself.

Well, I guess we're even then.

I might finish studying at home.

Just ten minutes ago, I would've been so excited about that peeing thing.

I wanted to make a prequel and I ruined everything.

I guess it could happen to anyone.

I should probably write George Lucas a note of apology.

Okay, let's not get crazy.

And you didn't ruin anything.

May I sit here?

Shirley, what are you doing here?

Oh, just wanted some yogurt.

And I do know you're not that person anymore.

Are you sure? 'Cause I was awfully good at it.

Well, we all do bad things every now and again.

I mean, I put a stripper's head through a jukebox.

Hmm.

What are you guys doing here?

I guess we all really wanted yogurt.

You know what's weird?

This is where I first decided to go to Greendale.

Wait, really?

This is where I was when I first decided to go to Greendale.

You're kidding me.

Senor Chang, I know you're as disappointed as I am in the caliber of students we have at Greendale.

But the mall offers a whole new valuable demographic of people awake during the daytime.

All right, ill pass flyers at Yogurtsburgh.

Self-serve yogurt.

Those douses already know one marketable skill.

Okay, Ben--

But it still has the tags on!

So I lost the receipt.

It's not like I even got to wear it, because my husband's a tasteless man slut.

What hey, littering!

[Gasping]

This better not awaken anything in me.

God, this day...

I thought pushing that woman's head through a jukebox would make me feel better, but I'm just... out of $54... and a marriage.

Crystal Skull was aliens, so it's a pretty great film.

You guys seen this?

Guys, working the program with you has been so great.

I feel like I'm finally ready to get my life back on track.

Last chance.

Just walk over there right now and apologize to the theater manager.

Midichlorians.

Midichlorians!

Fine.

Then you're not going to film school!

Hi! Do you have any vegan froyo?

Do you even know what froyo is?

Fine. Do you have a job application?

Hey.

That weird guy hasn't blinked once.

Oh, yeah.

What a dweeb.

Yeah, what a dweeb.

[Laughs] Oh, nice sh*t, man!

Hey, do you work at Greendale?

Work? That's putting it charitably.

Greendale community college is a total joke.

They'd give a degree to a monkey.

Hey, does Ian Duncan still teach psychology at Greendale?

That drunken limey?

That's the one.

He's got tenure.

Maybe getting my degree won't be as hard as I thought.

[Grunting]

Sir, what are you doing?

Can we get some help out here?

Some old guy broke the machine and is faking a heart att*ck.

Oh, wait.

Ah, stupid.

[All laughing]

Cool, cool, cool.

Wait, so was that old guy really Pierce?

We'll never know, because he'll never ever remember.

What are the chances of all of us ending up at the same place at the same time twice?

Abed, it's amazing.

I mean, yes, 2008 was the height of the slightly sour frozen yogurt craze, but... that still doesn't explain it.

Maybe we really were all meant to be together.

I'm not sure I understand it, but maybe we don't have to.

What I do know is that the ways our paths crossed, even when they were bad, all led us to this point.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

So what you're saying is that we're all each other's Uncle Ben's m*rder.

And we're all Spider-Men.

Yeah.

Let's say I'm saying that.

Mm, I think we know whose will this really is.

Yeah, I think I do.

I'll be right back.

Hello?

Hey, Abed.

[Sighs] Just doing some Pilates.

I was looking for you.

Wha--I--

We discovered you're the reason we all went to Greendale.

You linked all of our stories.

Like how the Cosmic Cube assembled the Avengers.

That, and the 4-billion-dollar deal with Disney.

Turns out you were always one of us.

So I came to see if you wanted to get some frozen yogurt.

Really?

That's-- that's all I ever wanted.

But it's too late.

Here's another thing I realized.

Because of you we got to reinvent ourselves at Greendale.

Everyone should have the same chance, don't you think...

Chang?

It's not Chang.

It's Kevin.

How long have you known?

Known what?

Only you know who you really are.

Also, you may have experimental monkey fever.

You coming?

Yeah.

Actually, can we stop at the post office first?

I have something to mail for the Dean.

It's confidential and I don't wanna talk about it, so stop interrogating me.

I'm out. I Chang-ed my mind.

[Distorted voice] You're too in to be out.

Hey!

Hi!

You want some refills? On me, huh?

Refills? You want some?

Time for plan "B".

[Evil laughter]

[Distorted laughter]