01x13 - Go For Gary

[bunniefuu]

Okay. I'll talk to you later, babe.

All right. Hey. Here's a pooch smooch.

[Barks playfully] Mwah.

[Chuckles]

Danny: [Groans] Hang on.

It's just a pooch smooch.

Yeah. Well, my doggy style is a little bit different.

No, I got to go.

All right. I love you.

No. I love you more.

No. I love you more.

No. I love you... okay, all right. You know what?

Let's just call it a tie, huh, buddy?

Okay. Look, I'm just excited that Nicki's finally moving back this weekend.

You know how hard it is to keep a long-distance relationship going?

Uh, no. I actually don't.

Much like Chinese food, Danny Burton has a 2-square-mile delivery zone.

I anticipate Nicki will be moving back here for a while, so, uh, I wrote up some new house rules.

All right? Here we go.

No cute nicknames.

No singing together.

No sexy lingerie in the living room.

And that doesn't apply to Nicki so much as it's for you and that outfit that you love.

It's not lingerie, all right?

It's just white silk boxers with little red buttons and some nice lace trimming.

All right. That's lingerie.

So, um, the most important rule is, if you guys watch a movie together, there will be no "secret cuddling" under a blanket.

I should never mistakenly see your "O" face ever again.

By the way, it's totally like this.

Whatever.

Every guy makes that face.

Not me.

It took me years of training, but I was able to make myself do this.

[Gasps]

[Exhales deeply]

Oh, man.

Yeah.

Okay. Look. Forget about your stupid list.

I'm just excited she's gonna be here, you know?

We haven't had sex in a month.

You visited her two weeks ago.

Yeah, but, you know, Nicki was bummed 'cause her mom isn't doing great health-wise, and she feels guilty about moving here, so I just held her all weekend.

You see, Danny, when you really care about someone, and you can't fix something, sometimes all you can do is just be there for them.

Oh.

I want to ask you a serious question.

Do your jeans fit differently 'cause you don't have testicles?

Danny, there are more important things in life than sex.

What the hell was that for?!

You couldn't hear it, but your penis begged me to slap you, okay?

[High-pitched voice] Thanks a lot, Danny.

[Normal voice] Hey. No problem, little fella.

[High-pitched voice] Sometimes it's so cold 'cause we're never going inside of things.

Hey, guys.

Stop talking to my penis!

And I'll see you later.

All right, now. Here we go. Come on.

Justin: Okay. We are going.

♪ Oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪

"Undateable"... a show about friendship.

Oh, yeah. That reminds me...

I used your toothbrush.

No!

Hey, man.

You working on that girl over there?

Yeah, yeah. Don't look at her. All right?

She's not even looking this way.

Oh, now she is.

Hi, pretty lady.

She's leaving. You didn't even say anything.

I'm in the middle of my three-day "look progression."

Day one was the over-the-shoulder glance, like this.

[Gasps] Ohh.

And then tomorrow, I'm gonna break out my closers.

This one asks, "want to hang out?"

And this one's all like, "yeah, you do."

And then this one's all like, "you sure?"

And then this one's like, "yeah, I'm sure." And, "you positive?" And, "yeah."

And, "you want to do it?" "Yeah." "I don't know." "Yeah." "No."

"Yeah." "No." "Yeah." "No." "Yeah." "No." "Yeah." "No." "Yeah."

"No." "Yeah." "No." "Yeah." "No." "Yeah." "No." "Yeah." "No." "Yeah."

What, are you talking about Sophie?

She has a little crush on me. It's nice.

Oh, is it a little crush, 'cause you're a little man?

[Chuckles]

She's clearly into me, all right?

You know what I've been doing all week.

Staring at her like a brooding guy who lost his contacts?

In your imaginary world where women prefer you sexually over me, do you also have big muscles and a low manly voice?

[Voice cracking] Well, you know what, Danny?

Ahem! [Normal voice] You know what, Danny?

There's no way to tell who women prefer.

Actually, there might be.

There's this app called Studscore where women can rate the sexual performance of the men they've slept with.

My man Danny got an 8.

Are you sure it wasn't an 8 on its side, which is the symbol for infinity?

Maybe I got an infinity.

"You know what you're getting, and it's available 24 hours."

Oh. You're like a Denny's.

Oh. Justin also got an 8...

In a review clearly written by Nicki.

"He's sweet, kind, and finally seems to know what he's doing."

Huh?

The Internet never lies...

Except for that review that said this bar was a "charmless void."

I stand by what I wrote.

I mean, green-and-orange everything.

Is this place a pumpkin?

Whatever. This app is B.S.

Your score would have been a lot lower if it included the girl you lost your virginity to.

Luckily, Carol was never a big fan of computers.

That's 'cause when you banged her, she was a senior citizen.

I mean, she's got to be like 70.

Nope. No, she's not, Bursk.

I mean, she would be, but she recently passed.

[Smooches]

Guys, I think Sophie's coming.

Sophie's coming. Sophie's coming.

[All groan]

Come on! Huh?!

I hate this bar.

Sorry, Les.

We were just waiting to see which guy Sophie prefers.

Hey, you look great.

Thank you. It's my lucky blazer.

Hey, uh, was that the jacket you wore when you were accepted to Hogwarts?

Hey, Justin.

Hey, Sophie.

First-name basis no big deal.

She wants to talk to me.

Actually, I wanted to talk to him.

Danny: Oh.

Uh, you know what?

Justin, excuse us?

No problem. Yeah.

No, I'm just gonna go to my office and see if my shredder can fit a blazer.

I just wanted to ask.

Oh, God. I'm so nervous.

It's just, he's so cute.

Excuse me?

You're his friend.

Is he really serious about his girlfriend?

What... what's happening right now?

Did you see these?

I love this moment so much, I just want to make babies with it.

Okay.

Yeah. Justin and Nicki are... are pretty serious.

Oh. What a bummer.

But, uh, you know, daddy's single.

Keep walking if you don't give a crap.

Please tell me that Justin's pointy elf ear wasn't pressed against the door so he could listen to the whole thing.

Oh, I heard every word!

[Chuckles]

Just don't make a big deal of it, okay?

Never make a big deal out of this.

Katy Perry might. [Chuckles]

♪ 'Cause I got the eye of the tiger ♪
♪ a fighter ♪

Guys, slow-motion celebration.

♪ 'Cause I am the champion ♪
♪ and you're gonna hear me roa-a-a-a-r ♪
♪ oh-oh-oh oh-oh-oh oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ roar, oh-oh-oh-oh,oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ roar, oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ and you're gonna hear me roa-a-a-a-r ♪
♪ oh-oh-oh oh-oh-oh oh ♪

You see, Nicki taught me how to be a better lover.

She taught me with the clapping system.

Any time I did anything wrong, she would clap, you know?

Now... it's dead silence.

All right, man. You know what?

It's not the fact that a girl picked Justin over me that's freaking me out.

It's obviously the end of the world, and there's so many things in my life that I haven't done yet.

For instance, I've never had sex with a girl from Belgium, and that's the only country on my map that doesn't have a pushpin in it.

So, like, Russia?

Uh, yeah. Don't you remember Natasha?

Mexico.

Uh, Rosario.

Yeah, I just finally want to have sex with a gay man... or a straight guy who's down on his luck.

I mean [Scoffs] beggars can't be choosers at this point.

Danny, how does it feel to be living in Justin Kearney's world now?

No, no, no. All right, look. Okay.

The only guys that are allowed to talk about themselves in the third person and get away with it are Danny Burton and Drake.

[As Drake] ♪ lord, Drake's got so many women and houses ♪
♪ but Drake's still so emotional ♪

Danny, relax, okay?

I have a girlfriend.

You can have any girl in this bar that I allow you to have.

Surprise.

You have an eyelash.

Go ahead. Make a wish. Blow.

[Normal voice] Okay. You know what?

I'm gonna actually grab that from you, and I'm gonna give it back to you 'cause I'm afraid you're gonna waste your wish on a guy that looks like a mannequin from the "it's a small world" ride.

Come here, dude.

Come here. Hey.

What is going on right now?

Is there something different about him?

Yes.

He's head over heels in love.

Don't you know how sexy that is?

Listen, Danny, I wish I could turn this charm off, but daddy don't know how.

Please make something bad happen to Justin.

[Blows]

That is amazing. I need to get more eyelashes.

What are you doing, les?

Reviewing the last guy I hooked up with.

What's it called when a guy does the walk of shame?

I call it skipping to breakfast.

Hey, read Brett's reviews back from when he was in the closet.

"Pretty sure he was gay."

"Seemed a little gay."

"Very, very gay."

Hey, Shelly, you got an 8 and then a 2 from the same girl on the same night.

What happened in between these two scores?

Oh, the pizza showed up.

Oh, my gosh. We have to look up Burski.

Come on, guys. This isn't cool.

You make fun of me enough.

A 9.9 out of 10?

"A hairy surprise under the sheets."

Oh, yeah!

Somebody call Al Gore.

The Internet's broken.

I just really miss my girlfriend that I'm super-monogamous and really in love with.

Oh.

Talking about your girlfriend, Danny?

Yeah. It's really hard being without her.

I, uh... I feel like [Voice breaking] part of me is missing, you know?

Oh, my... you got to tell us about her, okay?

How'd you two kids meet? [Chuckles]

Well, uh, I was just kind of hanging out on the beach one day, and this really beautiful lady wandered out of the ocean, and...

I wanted to talk to her, but an evil queen stole her voice.

Who introduced you?

A tiny Jamaican crab?

[Chuckles]

I should get going.

Look, that was never gonna work.

Women don't love me because I have a girlfriend.

They love me 'cause they know I would do anything to make her happy.

Like, for instance, Nicki just got this great full-time job in Lansing, and I'm trying to find her something equally as good down here.

Whatever it takes.

That's how I get the glow.

Uh-oh.

Well, that's not good.

What?

Well, the other day, Justin said that Nicki's mom made her feel guilty about leaving, and now he's saying that she got a full-time job back home.

I don't think she's coming back.

You're probably just overreacting.

Okay, baby. I'll talk to you later.

Have fun at dinner with, uh, Gary.

Who's Gary?

Oh. Just somebody Nicki works with who used to be a J.Crew model, so fingers crossed on discounts.

♪ ch-ch-chinos ♪

Somebody call Kerry Washington.

We got ourselves a scandal.

Look, okay?

With everything going on with Nicki and her job and Gary, I don't think that she's coming back.

You are so predictable.

I mean, for once... for once, girls actually want me more than you, and you have to take sh*ts at my relationship with Nicki.

This is why you'll never have what I have.

A trophy for the guy who looks most like Bill Paxton?

I'm talking about a real, loving relationship, Danny, and that kills you because you always have to be better than everybody else.

You always have to be up here, and everybody else has to be down here.

That's why you're a bad friend.

No. When it comes to friendship, we're like this.

Freeze. Look at your hands.

Okay. I feel like you think that this proves your point, but you know what?

It doesn't necessarily prove your point because this could be the Justin hand.

Is it?

Of course not, because it has so much personality.

It's the Danny hand, okay?

Baby Bird, you're wrong, all right?

I love seeing my friends do well at things.

Really?

So yesterday, Brett and I went into my office, and he admitted that I'm a slightly better dancer than you.

Does that bother you?

That's ridiculous, okay?

Because... uh-oh there's that.

And you know what?

I'm not trying to call Brett a liar, but what about this that's going on right here?

And you know what?

There's not even an Usher song playing. So whatever.

You do not want to have a dance-off with me, son.

Go, Danny.

Go, Danny.

Go, Justin.

Go, Danny.

Go, Justin.

Go, Danny.

Go, Danny.

Go, Danny.- Go, Danny.

Go, Justin.

Go, Danny.

Go, Danny.

Go, Justin.

Go, Danny.

All right. I'm out.

Yeah!

Yeah!

[Chuckles]

What?

Oh.

Nothing.

It's just...

All those great reviews you got.

[Chuckles]

What's your secret?

I guess it's that I rarely get the opportunity to have sex with anyone.

[Chuckles]

Um, so when I do, I like to make it about her... or him.

Uh...

I'm kidding.

[Chuckles]

Wow. I...

I've never been out with a guy who made it all about me.

I've been out with a guy who made it all about me and his wife.

Oh.

That's why I don't drink Tequila anymore.

Do you maybe want to go get a drink somewhere else?

I can't believe I'm saying this, but...

Yeah.

I think I do.

[Chuckles]

Okay. Oh.

Les, wait.

Um...

Those reviews are fake.

I... I wrote them to get you to like me.

Yeah, I know.

[Chuckles]

That's why none of the guys are here.

They're waiting at my apartment, ready to jump out when we got back.

[Chuckles]

But if you thought that something was finally gonna happen between us, why'd you stop?

We're gonna have our love story someday, and, uh, it's not gonna start like this.

I have some work to do as a person.

Uh...

But one day, I'll be ready for you.

[Breathes deeply]

Oh, God.

Are you all flushed because of Burski?

Do you need a glass of wine?

A bottle.

Okay.

Who here seriously thinks that Nicki's not coming back?

Look, sweetie... [Sighs] it's just, there's a couple red flags.

Yeah, and one incredibly handsome red flag.

Brett, show him that bathing-suit pic we found of Gary online.

Why don't I just call her right now? Okay?

I'll call her so I can prove you all wrong.

[Dialing]

[Ringing]

Gary: Go for Gary.

[Clears throat] What?

Uh, is this Nicki's phone?

Is this...

Yeah. She's, uh, getting dressed.

Is this Justin?

Dressed?

Okay. All right.

Uh, let me take you off speakerphone, Gary.

Uh, yeah. This is Justin.

Still sounds like I'm on speaker.

Hi, Gary.

All right. Look, look, man.

You got to go Liam Neeson on this guy, all right?

[As Liam Neeson] You got to tell him you have a particular set of skills.

All right.

All right. You listen to me, okay?

Nicki and I are in love, and I will drive over there, and I will take you down!

Okay, Gary?!

Justin, I think you've got me on mute, buddy.

I haven't heard a word you said.

Nicki: Justin? Is everything okay?

What are you doing with J.Crew Gary?

Gary's gay.

[Sighs] Thank God.

[Chuckling] Yes. Thank God.

Give me a minute here. All right?

Look. Okay.

[Sighs]

Hey. Hey. Sorry.

Uh, Danny convinced me that you weren't going to move home and that you were just scared to tell me, so...

[Breathes deeply]

Uh... uh... uh, what do you mean?

Um, she doesn't want to leave her mom, and it's not like I could just drop this bar and go there, so...

She said she wants to take a break.

I never liked that bitch.

Shell, I still love her.

Yeah. She's one of the good ones.

I mean, I really wish I wasn't right about this.

But you were right.

'Cause you're right about everything, right?

You know what?

Nicki dumped me, so now I'm right back down here, and you get to be up here again, okay?

And that's what you like. What kind of friendship is that?

I mean, don't say something that you're not gonna be able to take back, all right?

[Scoffs] Okay.

Well, honestly, sometimes, I wish...

I wish you never came into my life.

Don't take that too hard.

I said the same thing last night to a bag of doritos.

And we made up just fine.

I just want to say I'm sorry, man.

I... didn't mean the things that I said, and I was just upset, so...

Anyway, I mean, you can go.

That's all I wanted to say.

[Breathes deeply]

I'm just gonna sit here, watch my favorite movie, and be sad, so...

I'm not going anywhere, Baby Bird.

All right?

My best friend once told me that when you can't fix something, sometimes you just got to be there.

Thanks, man.

Well, if you aren't leaving, why are you wearing your jacket?

You know, it gets cold sometimes when we watch a movie in here, and, uh...

I'm definitely not getting under a blanket with you.

I just... I... I just can't stop thinking about her.

I know.

Uh, all right, man. Come here.

Get in here. Come on.

Come on.

Just don't...

Don't make it weird. Don't make it a big deal.

This isn't gonna happen often.

This is nice, actually.

You know what? Get out of here.

Yeah.

So, what's this movie about, anyway?

Huh? Oh.

Inner-city gangs, teenage lust, m*rder.

Awesome.

Why is there so much dancing?

There's a lot of dancing. It's "West Side Story."

Come here.

Why do you make comforting you so hard?

Just give me that.

Give it to me.

What?

It's very tri...

Really?

It's tricky. I... okay.

It's amazing that a stupid computer app could bring two people together.

The first time you walked into that bar, I knew this was gonna happen.

First of all, I don't know what you're talking about.

Second of all, your reviews were a load of crap.

Yeah. Whatever.

Listen, if you come by the bar again, don't say anything to my friend Leslie.

I like her way more than you.