05x05 - Jim Lahey Is A f*ckin' Drunk And He Always Will Be

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Rand, I got the kayaks, man. C'mon, let's go.

Ssst! Phil, keep it down. C'mere.

Listen, I can't leave. I can't go kayaking today.

Mr. Lahey, he's talking about liquor and stuff.

I just can't leave him alone right now.

I've never kayaked, Phil. I don't know anything about it Oh, c'mon, I can show you the basics here on the lawn.

Nothing to it. C'mon, you and me.

See, you're getting the hang of it.

Yeah, it seems like it'd be pretty easy, Phil Randy, I gotta ask you something.

What is it about Jimmy and the liquor?

Well, Mr. Lahey loves liquor Hasn't had a drink in a long time, but he's been talking lately about how much he likes the taste of it, getting drunk, the smell of it I'm just worried he's gonn a fall off the wagon, Phil.

You should get some of those hypnosis tapes They really work for a fella. (bottles rattling)

Duck, Phil! Bottle kids!

Ah!

Jesus Christ!

Stop throwing the friggin' bottles!

Stop throwing them!

Ow! Oh, my gut!

How do you like them now, Hamburglar!

I'm friggin telling!

(music)

(sighing)

Everybody's saying the trailer fire was my fault, , especially my old man, which I guess it kind of was, and I do feel bad his trailer b*rned down and everything but maybe if my dad and f*cking Julian and Bubbles weren't out getting lap dances at a f*cking strip club, getting drunk, the whole thing could have been preventeded, for fucksakes.

Oh, well, you know, things aren't too bad, all things considered.

Sure, it could be better, but, uh..., God takes care of the little sparrows in the sky he's gonna take care of the guy in the chair.

That's what God's like.

I have God to thank for everything.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, buddy.

Cooking some bacon for ya, buddy.

Smells good, buddy. There's only three pieces left, but I'll give it to you as long as I can have the grease.

You can have the grease.

Cool.

Bacon frying and the sparrows chirping, Rick.

It's all about the bacon and the sparrows, buddy.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

Talking about the sparrows. Sparrows in the bible, buddy You know, nothing to worry about.

I'm not worried.

My trailer's b*rned down. The sparrows aren't worried.

Nobody's worried.

Sparrows are stupid, Dad They don't give a f*ck about anything.

Exactly my point, Rick.

Maybe God forgives you for burning down my trailer.

That's the point I'm trying to make.

Does old Goddy-boy forgive you for getting lap dances and playing VLTs?

What's your point, Rick?

There's nothing wrong with VLTs and getting drunk.

You want some f*cking bacon or not?

Yes, Rick, I do.

Rick, there's another point. We should be thankful for the bacon we're having this morning, 'cause where do you think the bacon came from, Rick?

From a cow.

'Morning, Ray.

Julian.

Couldn't get a splash of rum off you, could I?

No, I don't think so, buddy.

Give him a f*cking break, Julian.

Don't you think we put him through enough?

Look at this f*cking place.

We?

What are you talking about, we?

Oh, you're innocent now?

Yes, can I order... pancakes, please?

With syrup... and butter, bacon... hash browns... toasts with butter.

(cat meowing)

Ah, f*ck.

That was gonna be delicious.

Hey, Bubs.

Hey, Ricky.

Holy f*ck, that bacon smells good.

Is there any extra?

Only a few pieces Bub.

I gave it to, uh, gave it to the old man.

I'm doing bread heels in grease. It's pretty good.

You want half?

Of an old bread heel?

Yeah, just dip it in bacon grease.

It's f*cking awesome.

You do it too.

Yeah.

You're not tricking me, are you?

It's kind of f*cking dry, Ricky.

Have you anything to drink There's a little bit left in that.

You still pissed off?

Well... kind of.

Yup, giving up liquor was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life.

But the clarity that I feel right now makes it all worthwhile.

I can honestly say I will never drink again.

Ever.

I can't believe Trinity's throwing bottles, Mr. Lahey.

sh*t apple.

(rattling)

Time for your meds, buddy. Take two.

I'm not taking those anymore, Ran-Ran-Bo-Bandy.

I don't need 'em. They make me sleepy.

Well, you gotta take them, Mr. Lahey.

You don't wanna get back on the rye again.

Remember what that was like?

Well, it's a little bit stressful.

I mean, Mr. Lahey's been doing really good.

Uh, he hasn't had a drink since the day he tried to k*ll Ricky, and he had about 49 drinks that day.

But lately, you know, he's been talking about liquor and calling me Bo-Bandy, which he normally only does when he's drunk.

So just the thought of him drinking again, it scares the sh*t out of me Ah, Bubbles, push it.

Come on, Ray.

You don't use your arms anymore, either?

Well, you're pushing me there, buddy.

That's good, that's good.

Dad!

Dad, I wanna borrow the car!

Where's the clearing stick Just on the hood there, sweetie.

You have to give it lots of gas, alright?

It's still stalling quite a bit.

Thanks.

Isn't that precious?

Ricky. Rick, Rick, Rick. What is your problem, man?

She's just a kid. Don't let her drive the car.

She's driving it around the park.

It's none of your business, is it, Julian?

It's not a big deal. My mum used to let me drive the mower and the car around the park before I was seven.

Yeah, and your mum's f*cked in the head, Rick.

Hey! You watch what you say about Tammy.

Oh, you just think you're so big, don't you?

You and your precious books, Julian.

What's wrong with reading books Ray? Huh?

I'm bettering myself here.

You should probably do the same thing, Rick.

What are you talking about?

Stop it, would you?

I'm out of here, boys. I'm out of here.

Dad, don't worry about it.

No, I'm going.

I'm going, boys.

Thanks for the drink, Ray.

Oh, you're welcome, Julian. I was gonna give you a drink until you got all frickity-fucky on us.

You know what?

Don't give him a drink.

You know what? I am gonna give you a drink.

You know why? 'Cause the bible says share.

Julian, the guy in the chair shares even with guys he doesn't wanna be around.

Thanks, Ray.

No, you're welcome, Julian. Take it and enjoy.

Don't leave the park, sweetie.

Can't believe you took my last dad's drink, Julian.

You're f*cked.

Would you just f*ck off?

You f*ck off.

No, you f*ck off.

Why don't you suck my cock?

Why don'tyousuck it?

Boys!

Suck it first!

Boys! Listen to yourselves ! You know what?

You guys never used to say f*ck off and suck this and -

(crash)

f*ck.

I don't care for any of this. I'm going home.

And I'm having fun today.

Bubs, Bubs, Bubs.

C'mon, man. C'mon.

Julian!

Let's have some fun today. C'mon, buddy.

Put me down!

Get up here.

Put me down!

Listen, buddy. I f*cked up and I wanna make it up to you.

So whatever you wanna do today, we're gonna do it.

Anything?

Yeah, whatever you want.

How about we get a badminton set?

Remember how fun badminton was in prison?

To be honest, I f*cking hate bagmington.

I played it in jail 'cause now you can't smoke in jail, which is f*cked, and to get your mind off smoking, you basically play sports.

Let's go to the mall and get a badminton set then, boys Badminton!

Trinity! What the hell are you doing driving this car Chill!

Did your father tell you you could drive? Trinity, stop the car right now!

Trinity, I'm impounding this vehicle!

Stop the car right now!

It's okay, Mr. Lahey!

Randy, d'you see that?

g*dd*mn sh*t apple driving a sh*t mobile.

What kind of a father lets his daughter do that?

Nobody in this g*dd*mn park gives a f*ck!

Why the hell should I? Mr. Lahey, you know you've been doing really good with the quitting-the-drinking-habit thing, but you been talking about it all the time lately, so you know what I think?

What do you think, Randy Well, I just never, ever want you to drink again, Mr. Lahey, so I got these really good hypnosis tapes.

Randy, how many times do I have to g*dd*mn tell you I'm sober?

Who cares if I mention drinking once in a while, huh?

I can't ignore an elephant in a room, now can I?

I used to drink, Randy. Yes, I used to drink and I can't do anything about that.

But I got the sh*t monkey off my back for good.

Well, I thought you just might want to give them a try -

Do I ask you to listen to Stop Eating Cheeseburger tapes now?

Do I? No, I don't. You know why?

I don't f*cking drink anymore, end of story.

I'm just trying to help. Mr. Lahey. Whatever!

Randy.

Listen, boy, I'm sorry I jumped on you like that.

If it makes you feel any better, I'll, uh, I'll give them a go.

Well, it would. Let's go. Right now.

I'll get it cued, Mr. Lahey.

Come on, boys.

There's gotta be a f*cking paging system around here somewhere.

A what?

Paging system. Bingo.

You wanna have some fun, buddy? Check this out.

Ah, Ricky, no, no, no, no, no.

What are they gonna do, kick me out?

(beeping)

Mr. Lahey and Randy to the f*ck Off Department Mr. Lahey and Randy to the f*ck Off Department And hurry the f*ck up. Thank you.

Boys, let's just find a badminton set -

Come on, Julian!

We're gonna get kicked out Just let me do one more.

Alright. Come on.

Holy f*ck, boys, look at that!

What is it?

Holy f*ck!

What the f*ck is it?

That is a fully functional rocket kit.

No way.

That's what that is.

I didn't know they sold these around here.

Julian, f*ck the badminton set. Let's get this baby.

So will that go to the moon and stuff?

Bubs, Bubs, Bubs, it's 100 bucks, man.

Where are we gonna get that?

Ah, for fucksakes.

Don't worry about it.

I'll tell you, we're gonna f*cking get it right now.

What's $99.99 plus the taxes stuff?

Seventy-five? Seventy-eight?

No, Ricky, it's $114.98.

Just a sec.

What are you doing Rick?

...14.98...

Ricky? Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick. Rick!

Look, this works every time, okay?

You guys just meet me in the car and I'll take care of it.

Get Bubbles a f*cking rocket He said it, Julian.

Hurry up to the car, guys.

(muffled voices and knocking Julian? (shouting)

There's somebody in the trunk!

What the f*ck are you guys doing in there?

Dude, man, cleaning your car and we kind of got locked in You guys locked yourself in there by accident when you were cleaning my car, didn't ya?

You got it.

That's not smart, boys.

Boys, boys, boys, mall cops! Mall cops!

For fucksakes, Ricky.

What do you think you're doing with that? D'you pay for that?

Yeah.

Give it to me.

I bought that two weeks ago.

Where's the receipt?

Let's go. We have to have a talk.

We'll talk in your office. That's alright.

I don't know these two guys right here, but I'm sure they're pretty much responsible.

Get those two in the back. Let's go.

Bring them in here, let's go. Have a seat, boys.

I wanna press charges, for the front door out there It's dangerous and I could've been k*lled -

You can press charges when the cops get here.

They're on their way.

We don't need to call them You guys are smarter than real cops. You're mall cops.

Why do we need real cops? Misunderstanding.

I went out to the car with the rocket.

These guys were supposed to pay for it. I gave them a cheque It's probably in their pockets. Just check 'em.

Which guys?

It's probably that guy with the Ronnie shirt on there.

Mordecai, Horatio, you wanna check their pockets, see what they got?

That's my gum, out of my car That's my f*cking comb! What are you guys doing?

You trying to rip me off to buy dr*gs? a There's the cheque right there. I bet they were f*cking gonn cash that in for dr*gs too, weren't you?

It's for the amount of the rocket.

Yeah, with tax. Made out to the store.

I'm not gonna lie to you here. I used to be a mall cop.

That fake-cheque trick works every f*cking time.

Basically, you figure out how much something costs, just fill in one of the old man's cheques like this.

That way if you get caught, just say your buddy was gonna pay Mall cops are really dumb compared to real cops.

And worst-case Ontario, you get caught, you cancel the cheque.

You never have to pay. It's awesome.

Alright, listen, I guess we got mixed up there.

I'm sorry about that, boys. You're free to go.

You know, I apologize.

Well, nice to meet you.

Alright. Take care.

Actually, you guys are gonna stay here.

No. Dude, man, do something.

You shouldn't have tried to f*cking rip me off.

You guys f*cked up big-time. Listen, trust me, you f*cked up.

Thanks, Julian.

Sit down, guys.

Alright, I'm gonna have to get some names here.

Uh, I'm Corey Lahey.

Um, Trevor Lahey.

Are those your real names, boys?

Yessir.

Are they really?

No. I'm Trevor and he's Corey. We were lying.

deep male voice: And deeper...

Every nerve... every muscle is relaxing now From the bottom of your feet to the top of your head.

(tape clicking off)

How do you feel, Mr. Lahey I feel great, Randy.

I'm really impressed.

The tape really does work!

I don't feel like drinking at all!

Randy... what do you say, boy, we go outside and make Sunnyvale a nice place to live again What do you think?

Sounds real good.

I'm rolling a f*cking huge joint for this rocket launch It's gonna be awesome.

I can't wait to f*cking get that thing going.

Get out of the way, idiots What's he smiling about?

Rick, grab me a couple of glasses, bud?

Bubbles, you got any glasses?

Probably, Ricky, in the shed Get that thing all ready to go, buddy.

Holy f*ck!

What's it say, Ricky?

It's basically how we put it together, I guess.

Be careful and stuff.

Jesus, look at that!

What's this?

Holy f*ck, a spacesuit.

Wow.

Ah! DE-CENT!

No way! f*cking decnals, man ! Check those out!

Boys, drink.

Awesome!

Well, let's make a toast, boys.

To a good f*cking time today This is a good time.

I'm gonna go put my spacesuit on, boys.

And then let's get this dirty cocksucker in the air!

Boys? Check her out!

Ah, man, that is f*cking cool.

Nice decnals.

I know.

Look at my spacesuit, too.

Can I put it on the launch pad there, Commander?

Alright!

Bubbles, are you sure we gotta play Space here? This is kind of silly.

C'mon, Ricky! Look at this ! This is awesome!

Mission control, this is Commander Bubbles.

I'm getting an MPS warning light on the link-monitor control subsystem.

I'm requesting reallocation of main arm fire, through CDS at Level 6. Please advise.

Copy that, Commander.

Reallocating there, Commander Bubbles.

Try some, Ricky.

Breaker, Breaker, come in. This is Rocket Ship 27. Aliens f*cked over the carbunator in engine four and I'm trying to refuckulate it and land on Juniper.

Hopefully you got some space weed. Over.

How's that, buddy? I don't f*cking know.

Ricky, that's not very good. Use space words.

Real ones. Not talking about space weed These, uh, power rockets are f*ring all over the place.

They got lasers, they're sh**ting and, uh..

Bubbles, I can't f*cking do this.

My brain doesn't work with space talk.

I hate playing Space.

Julian, make him do it right Let me do the talking, Mr. Lahey.

Alright, Randy.

Hey, boys. We got a complaint that someone's been getting high and drunk, playing Space in the middle of the street.

Yeah, us. I'm f*cking stoned right now You got a problem with that?

Listen, we don't wanna cause any sh*t here, boys.

As a matter of fact, I've been thinking about sh*t a lot less these days.

Seeing as how I stepped in so much over the last few years.

I'm sick of sh*t, boys. Sick of sh*t.

Is that right?

Yeah.

And I just wanna reiterate that I quit drinking permanently.

It's all part of my plan to get along better with everyone in the park. Including you, Rick.

Booze free for weeks, boys. It feels great.

Ah, you quit drinking, have you, Jimmy?

He comes down here today and, uh... doing the old "I'm innocent" thing, "I'm a changed man" kind of thing and, uh, he came down here for one reason and that was to ruin the day for the boys.

Do you guys wanna stay and watch?

You wanna see a rocket go, Randy?

Does it really launch?

Does it really launch?

Does the Tin Man have a sheet-metal cock?

Look at this thing! Goes up about 2,000 feet, nose cone blows off, chute comes out.

It's f*cking awesome!

Remember when you helped daddy steal a car battery?

It's kinda like the same thing. Just put this thing on here, this one on there.

Jeez, I'm thirsty.

Can I have a drink of water from your bottle there, Jimmy?

Leave Mr. Lahey alone, Ray. Get your own water.

No, I want some of Jimmy's water.

That's the kind that gets you f*cking drunk, isn't that right, Jimmy?

He walks around the park, he's got the bottle of water Everybody thinks it's water, but it's vodka.

Oldest trick in the book. I think he learned that from me.

I was doing that when I was, you know, 20, 30 years ago Trying to hide it from Tammy.

Can you guys argue about who's drunk and who's not away from my daughter? Please.

Ray. Ray, you're nothing but a drunk faking a disability, 'cause you got nothing better to do than to bother decent people, 'cause your own life's a big pile of burning sh*t Is that right? Randy, why not ask Jim where he's been the past few nights between 3 and 5 and 9 to 11:15

Go ahead, ask him where he goes.

He's playing bridge down at the hospital, Ray., Bridge, my arse. He's going to the strip club getting drunk every night telling everybody he's off the booze. You know why, Randy?

Jim Lahey's a f*cking drunk and he always will be.

Okay, boys, here we go.

Blast shields down. The engine is a go!

Give me a drink.

Randy, let it go, Randy.

(Bubbles counting down in the background)

It's vodka 131-proof, straight up.

I'm f*cking wasted.

Jesus! f*ck, did you see that, Ricky?

Julian?!

Bubs, that was amazing!

My God.

Randy, where are you going Downtown for a cheeseburger, Mr. Lahey.

Congratulations Julian. You were right all the time.

I was drunk in the mental hospital and I've been drunk ever since This can either end one of two ways, boys.

Either you, you and you, who are all drunk, are going to jail, or I am going back to the mental hospital. P.S. I'm not going back there.

There it is! There's the rocket!

You just opened Pandora's sh*t box, Ray.

f*ck, Lahey! Omigod!

What are you doing?!

Oh, f*ck!

(groaning)

It's crushed!

sonofab*tch.

Hey, Randy. Listen, I really did give up liquor.

Honest.

No, you didn't, Mr. Lahey.

Why wouldn't you just tell me?

sh*t snares, Randy. sh*t snares.

All this time, trying to stop the boys from breaking the law when I should've been encouraging it.

The liquor makes me see it clearly, Randy.

Julian's the leader. All he needs to do is be pointed in a direction, he'll go there.

He'll go right into my sh*t snare, Randy.

Listen, liquor makes me see it clear, Rand, and I didn't want you to blow my cover.

I'm sorry if I let you down.

You didn't let me down, Mr. Lahey.

Is this some kind of test?

No.

I hate those guys, Mr. Lahey. Let's f*cking get 'em. Here.