05x06 - Don't Cross the sh*t Line

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Trailer Park Boys". Aired: April 2001 to present.*
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Ricky and Julian are two guys whose lives were shaped by their experiences growing up in the Trailer Park. Their childhood was typical of most trailer park kids: stealing, fighting, smoking, drinking, scamming and listening to Van Halen.
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05x06 - Don't Cross the sh*t Line

Post by bunniefuu »

How's it going, Ray?

Hey, Bubbles. How you doing, buddy?

Listen, you don't have any liquor on you, do you, buddy Oh, I did have a bit of Christmas liquor, but somebody took it.

Julian took your liquor?

Yeah.

f*ck.

You don't have any food in there, do you, Ray?

Anything at all?

You know, Bubbles, I got..

Don't tell anybody, but I got a few cans of ravioli here f*ck, I need some ravioli. Hurry.

Ricky! Rick!

Rick, where the f*ck's my ravioli?

Ricky. Ricky.

My ravioli.

I had nine cans of ravioli in the cupboard and it's all gone. What did you do with it?

I dunno, Dad.

I had one can. I think.

Well, where are the other eight?

f*cking Julian took my ravioli and your liquor, Bubbles?

(Ricky groaning)

Rick, is the coast clear there, buddy?

Yeah, it's clear, Dad.

Clear, Ray.

f*cking Julian!

No, no, no, no, Ray, Ray, Ray, what are you doing?

Ray, give me my drink back !

Julian, no!

You took all of my ravioli !

Ravioli?

What are you talking about?

You ate all his ravioli!

This is my f*cking drink !

Rick!

Once you f*ck with my dad, I'm in the fight.

That's just the way it is. Family sh*t.

So I jumped in and hell broke loose.

Boys, there's something wrong with this thing.

Are you alright?

Julian, if I don't get a f*cking drop of liquor in me, I'm gonna f*cking snap!

You just had a bunch of drinks there, Ray.

When?

What's this about anyway Break it up.

I ate the ravioli, okay?

I got stoned last night. I was f*cked up 'cause Lucy's been ignoring me and sh*t.

I didn't think I ate nine cans, but maybe.

I mean, nobody wants to admit they ate nine cans of ravioli, but I did. I'm ashamed of myself, , but the first doesn't count. Then you get to the second then the third. And the fourth and fifth, I think I b*rned with a blowtorch.

And then I just kept eating.

I'm sorry.

I gotta get my trailer back.

I can't f*cking live with you guys anymore.

Thanks, Ray.

Hey, who gave you a drink of liquor the other day?!

The guy in the chair!

A bunch of f*cking drinks!

(screaming) You spilled half of it!

Well, isn't there a book or something you can read that'll figure this out?

f*ck off, Ricky.

(music)

What are you doing, Mr. Lahey?

sh*t moths, Randy.

sh*t moths?

sh*t moths.

They started off as tiny, little sh*t larvae, Randy, and then they grew into shitapillers.

A pandemic of shitapillars Everywhere you look, Randy, shitapillars.

They almost drove me over the g*dd*mn edge, boy.

I tried to exterminate them, I tried to put an end to the shitapillars life cycle, but I failed.

And now... sh*t moths, Randy.

Every f*cking one of them, a sh*t moth.

Are you okay, Mr. Lahey?

A hundred percent, Rand.

Jim Lahey is back.

It's time for drinking, bud. I've got a little errand for you to run. You up for it?

Sure.

I want you to take this over to Ray's trailer.

It's an eviction notice.

(hip-hop music playing)

Not the strongest drink I've ever had, Julian.

Best I can do, Ray.

Do you have the tunes loud enough, boys?

f*ck, Julian, you starving for liquor?

Julian, you can go on draining them empty liquor bottles, or you can help yourself to one of these full ma-fuckers.

I want nothing to do with your greasy old cheesy p*rn, J-Roc.

Yeah, J-Roc, f*ck off.

A'ight, we'll find some other ma-fuckers who're down with food and liquor. And hos.

I really don't wanna be in another one of J-Roc's grease films, even though I have been in a couple of them so far But I'm really hungry.

What kind of food do you have, J-Roc?

Not much, Bubbles.

Some peanut-butter ma-fuckers and Pop Tarts, frosted brown sugar. Got some of those.

Garlic fingers.

Got liquor there, J-Roc?

All kinds of liquor, Ray.

You gonna get us free liquor Well, it ain't free.

You gotta be in the DVD.

That's right. J-Roc's Greasy Trailer Park Girls Gone Wild Everybody in the park knows we sh**ting this DVD, dawg J-Roc's Greasy Trailer Park Girls Gone Wild That's right. We gonna have all kinds of bonus feature My video from Microphone Assassin, my video from my new joint. Trailer-park life., I ain't doing any greasy sh*t, man. I'll do something for you you got free liquor, I'll do it.

Dad, what are you thinking C'mon, Rick.

You're not gonna be in his stupid video?

Yeah, yeah, c'mon.

He's got free liquor.

Ricky, Pop Tarts!

Let's go get drunk.

Pop Tarts and chicken fingers.

It's clear, Ray. It's clear.

Ricky?

You wanna be up in the DVD ? Spend some time with Lucy?

She's my feature performer, dawg.

Okay, let me put it to you this way. Couple of years ago, I wouldn't have done it, but now I've got these cans, I figure I may as well show off, you know?

Yeah, that's cool. I can understand that.

But this video is gonna be around for-friggin'- ever.

Let's clean up this driveway, Rick.

It looks like sh*t.

Can't Corey and Trevor f*cking clean it up?

Nope, gave them the day off.

You gave Corey and Trevor the day off?

Your little precious Corey and Trevor, "Ooh, I'll give them the day off.

I won't give me a day off. "I work f*cking 80 hours a week So do I. We're like supervisors, though What the f*ck do you want, Randy?!

Boys, I don't want any trouble with you.

I'm here to see Ray to give him some documents Well, he's not here, alright? So f*ck off.

Well, where is he?

Do you see him?

Ray!

He's not here, went to f*ck Off Island, where you should be.

Get out of here.

Gotta give him these documents Ricky.

Give them to me.

No, I can't give them to you.

Yes, you can.

I can't. They're eviction papers.

He's got to get out of here. This place is all b*rned, looks like sh*t. Look, the couch is burnt, trailer's burnt, driveway looks like crap.

You're f*cking burnt, Randy! We should f*cking evict you!

Frig off. Get the f*ck outta here!

Get the f*ck out of here and leave the driveway and us alone.

And my dad.

Leave Mr. Lahey out of this, Mr. Friggin d*ck!

Oh, Mr. Drunk Guy, back in his trailer, f*cking probably loaded, passed out? Yeah, I'll leave him alone Ricky, I'm gonna take my pants off and kick your ass I've wanted to since you got out of jail.

You mention one more thing about Lahey, that's gonna happen, bud.

One more?

Yeah.

He's drunk, crazy, f*cking lunatic. I hate him. f*ck him and f*ck you.

Julian, I didn't want this to happen I told ya, I didn't want any trouble -

Randy. Stand down and get out of here.

Why you gotta take your pants off to fight me They're a little tight, Rick, and I wanna kick your ass.

Well f*cking get them off, then, let's go.

Ricky! Don't touch my pants!

Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys Ricky! They're mine!

That's enough!

They're my friggin' pants.

Randy.

If I wanna take my pants off, I'll take em off!

Let's get it on, Randy.

Listen to me.

Ray's over there at J-Roc's! So get away from us! Alright Get! Hey, hey, that's enough. Come on, move along. Let's go.

Gimme that back!

You're f*cking lucky you can't talk into that right now, I'll tell you that.

Ow. You guys are jerks. I'm going over there right now f*ck you, Randy.

Oh, yeah, one more thing I'm telling Mr. Lahey everything about this!, No, no, listen. Stop decorating my trailer it looks like sh*t. I'm buying it back soon.

Frig you, Rick!

Dicks!

It was awful, Mr. Lahey. Ricky's being refractory again What happened, Randy?

Oh, he tried to fight me Ripped my pants off.

Did you serve Ray the eviction notice?

I didn't get a chance to Mr. Lahey. He's over at J-Roc's.

f*ck!

Birds of a sh*t feather flock together, Randy.

But I got a feeling Ray is gonna be the first to fall.

Coup de grace, boy.

When they're gone, we can rent their lots out to nice, respectable people, right, Mr. Lahey?

That's absolutely right, Randy.

I can almost feel this going down right now, boy.

I've known Ray for close to 30 years.

I knew him when he drove a rig He was a loser then, he's a loser now.

But I live by one golden rule.

You don't cross my sh*t line, I don't cross your sh*t line But when he told everybody that I was drinking again, he crossed the g*dd*mn sh*t line.

I'm sh**ting a DVD today, up in this piece.

(music playing)

Ray, this is gonna be greasy. Should we be doing this?

Don't worry, Bubbles, nobody's ever gonna see this What's up, Bubs? You ready to get drunk and dirty, ma-fucker Well, I'll get dirty, J-Roc, if you need me to, but let's get the food going.

J-Roc, how about some liquor for the guy in the chair here? Free liquor, is what you said.

A'ight, Ray, I promised.

Trevor, let's get some drinks for Ray.

The man in the chair gets some drizinks up in his piece.

Trevor, give me the bottle, buddy. Thanks.

You said food too, though. What about those garlic fingers?

Man, you'll get food as soon as we sh**t the DVD, Bubbles Just calm down and relax.

Can't we have it now, though Something?

No, you B. I can't have ma-fuckers in my video eating hot dogs and chicken fingers and sh*t. Ray!

Come on, Ray.

Come on, now!

That ain't right, man.

You spilled it all over me Well, then suck it out your shirt, you B!

I said you could have a couple of drinks, not a whole bottle.

There's a couple of drinks on my shirt there, man.

Keep the bottle, but that's all you get for the day You got to pizace yourself We're keeping it real, that's why we have real ma-fuckers.

So when ma-fuckers buy it, watching in the hotel, they see themselves represented, right?

That wardrobe is whack.

That sh*t is whack.

You need a new getup, man.

We ain't doing Truckers Gone Wild.

J-Roc, you said real, man.

You wanted it real. This is what I am. This is real.

It's too real, man. You got some other sh*t you can put on Lucy, I need to talk to you.

She's not gonna really be in J-Roc's little grease film, is she?

It's none of your business I need to talk to her.

I don't want you inside, okay?

Sarah, I've been f*cking fighting people all day and I don't want to, but I will fight you if I have.

I gotta talk to her.

I'll fight you if I have to.

What the f*ck should I let you inside for?

Fine, let's fight, then. Is that what you want?

I just wanna talk to her for two minutes and try to convince her not to be in a p*rn film.

That's the mother of my child.

Okay, you got two minutes.

Thank you, Sarah.
Lucy, I heard you're gonna be in one of J Roc's films, or some sh*t. Is that true? Please tell me it's not.

What's the big difference?

You did the same thing a couple years ago when you were in J-Roc's p*rn-movie thing.

Nobody saw that and I didn't really do anything.

I didn't get it on with anyone.

Oh, right, you got a little problem in that area.

Very funny, Sarah.

I forgot about that.m Lucy, I don't want the mother of my child in some p*rn fil that's gonna be in grocery stores and convenience stores.

People are gonna take it hom and you're gonna be on their TV.

Yeah.

I don't want that.

What the f*ck is your problem? You got nothing to do with it.

I thought we were kinda getting back together here You know what?

I don't have time to talk with you about this.

'Cause I'm f*cking late, but you're welcome to come watch See you later. Good job talking her out of it T, you rolling, man?

Yeah, man, we're good to go.

Alright, B, just need to get some smoke up in this ma.

Ray, this is the tightest thing you ever seen in your life So you're gonna dance for that ma-fucker in the chair.

And at a certain point, you're gonna put your hand on your head when you're dancing and, Ray, we gonna get you up out of the chair.

It's gonna be tight.

I should probably just sit here and drink.

No, the dancers have the power to heal.

That's the whole point of the DVD, right?

Look at that, Mr. Lahey.

Well, I'll be.

Little Jamie's got a smoke machine.

I'm gonna go give this to Ray.

Not so fast, Deputy.

What do you mean? We gotta give these to Ray I know he's in there, Mr. Lahey.

Randy, sometimes it's a lot better to watch a sh*t tree grow than to try to kick the sh*t fruit out of it.

Now stand up, Ray.

You said -

Stand up, then take a drink, boy.

It's free liquor. That's right. Now you gotta dance.

Know what I'm saying? Dance...

Cut. Bubbles, you know what I'm saying?

I need you to get greasy, B. Get them shits off then, if you need to, but I need to see some ass life.

J-Roc's making his little grease film here and he thought it's appropriate for me to just start slapping that lady on her bum.

But I'm not comfortable doing that, to tell you the truth.

I mean, I don't even know her. I can't just walk up and start slapping her badonkadonk.

J- Roc's previous works that I was in, I mean, I was playing a different character., Corporal Lexie I played in From Russia With LoveBone and I played a lumberjack in The Bare Pimp Project, but now I'm just being myself. I mean, I don't wanna be known as the guy that just walks up and slaps badonkadonks.

Hey, you down with feet? Me too, b*at.

Know what I'm saying? There's all kind of feet up in J-Roc's Trailer Park Girls Gone Wild All kinds of girls, too. Wild girls like this girl here She my girl from way back, right?

And this girl over here, we used to be real tight.

Now we're a'ight, but we still roll together You could roll with shorties like this too, if you buy J-Roc's Trailer Park Girls Gone Wild A'ight, T? Grab the camera, B. You rollin'?

Yeah, we're good to go.

A'ight.

Bubbles, this here is the big scene, It's the Bubble scene before the bubble bath, B.

So you gotta spin some bubbles up in that ma-fucker, and you ladies is drinking, right? You wild, right?

You drinking, you dancing all up on Bubbles.

You can't stand how wild them bubbles is.

A'ight, Bubbles? Introduce yourself, blow some bubbles Then some hot dogs, right?

Yeah, that's right. We got all kinds of food for you.

But this scene's real important. We gotta get it first.

A'ight. Action.

Alright, this is Bubbles in J Roc's Trailer Park Girls Gone Wild Keeping it real. Keeping bubbles coming.

Yeah.

Man! Cut! Ray!

Truck-drivin', passed-out, Phantom 309 mothafucker!, There's nothing wrong with a guy having a few drinks mingling with the people and sh*t.

But the guy had a whole f*cking quart to himself, , he got smashed, he's f*cked up out of his mind wheeling through sh*ts backward, f*cking everything up, man He doesn't even know how much we spent on all this equipment to get the sh*t rolling right.

It ain't right, it ain't tight.

Holy frig, Mr. Lahey. Look! We hit the jackpot!

Bingo. Mr. Stupid didn't even hide the evidence, Randy.

Get your sh*t basket out, we're about to start harvesting.

Time to call in the heavies.

Oh, Mr. Lahey -

I'd like to speak to the Parcel Pick Up manager, please Yeah, Jim Lahey here, Sunnyvale Trailer Park.

Man, what the f*ck are you guys doing over there?

We're just looking for our kitty.

You guys are over here snooping around, man!

Excuse me. We're just checking things out here.

Hey, Lahey, get the f*ck out of here, man.

Listen, Tyler, you don't have to get mouthy Oh, now you calling me Tyler. It's not Tyler, it's T.

I beg your pardon, Mr. T . We're just checking things out Oh, now you got jokes, right? Now you got jokes.

Listen, I'm out of your face, alright?

Get outta here, man, get the f*ck outta here, man You too, get out of here.

We weren't doing anything.

There's no cheeseburgers back there.

Hey, hey. Keep your hands off him, you understand me Well, you guys get off this property, then.

This is not your property. Out here snooping around.

We're leaving.

There's no cheeseburgers or there's no liquor, so get the f*ck out of here.

Lucy, why are you doing this to me If it's about the money, f*ck it.

I'll pay you twice as much not to be in the g*dd*mn thing Ricky, you don't have any f*cking money, remember?

Ricky, who gives a sh*t. It doesn't matter.

I'm not gonna be taking off most of my clothes and no one ever sees the sh*t that J-Roc makes anyway.

J-Roc, what the f*ck is going on here?!

I'm trying to sh**t my DVD, Ricky. My performer's late Hey, man, sorry we're late. It's not our fault.

You got the money?

I already sh*t the sh*t that you were supposed to do Oh, f*ck J-Roc., You can do some of the freakier sh*t, though if you want to, girl.

Alright.

Like what kind of freaky sh*t?

Come on inside, we'll talk about it some.

I'm not gonna be in your f*cking video.

Lucy, please don't do this.

Oh, Ricky, gimme a break How the f*ck did my dad get so drunk?

He drank a quart, Ricky.

Dad.

Dad, are you alright?

I love you buddy.

Holy f*ck.

Lucy! I don't want you being with other people, alright I thought we were kinda together again right now and..

I dunno, this is f*cked up I don't want you to be in a p*rn flick.

Bubbles: J-Roc!

My f*ck, its the 5-0 up in his piece, T!

Don't worry, buddy, we're gonna be a'ight, Lahey's there too, T.

Oh, f*ck, it's a f*cking LB too.

That's the f*cking law bitch from the grocery store, man!

Who are you pointing at, skeleton?

Okay, folks, this little party's over.

Let's go.

Corey and Trevor violated a peace bond with Ricky, right Do you have an explanation for all those grocery bins Them bins that Corey and Trevor brought here with the candy?

Them ma-fuckers with the erections? I dunno.

Well, it doesn't much matter, you're coming with us anyway Jamie, let's go.

What for?

As a witness or some sh*t, for Corey and Trevor?

You're under arrest. Let's go.

I didn't do nothing, man ! (shouting)

Let's go, Jamie.

What for?!

We didn't do nothing, man.

Come on!

I gotta grab my smoke machine.

Great, it's evidence.

No, it's a fire hazard if I leave this sh*t going Look, easy or the hard way, which way do you wanna go?

I ain't going nowhere!

You're going with me!

Tell me what I'm arrested for man.

Ain't you gonna tell me what I'm being arrested for?

This is bull-ish!

Put him inside!

She's touching me in a sexual way!

You're f*cked and always will be. f*cked This is just the beginning, Richard.

You're losing it; you better stay the f*ck away from me That's enough, Ricky. Take your father home before I arrest him for public intoxication.

I'm trying to. This is bullshit.

Ricky, you keep pushing it and I'm gonna push back hard You don't want me to push you.

Just a second. Jesus Christ.

Why do you guys still have erections?!

The cops are here! Why do you have erections?

I told you guys to take care of that!

Point them up, I told them (shouting)

Any ma-fucker wanna tell me why it is I'm being arrested with my candy?

I can't even breathe up in this piece!

Open the door, ma-fucker.

He's a jackass.

You know what?

You were so right, f*cking, again.

I'm the f*ck out, man.

J- Roc's Trailer Park Girls Gone Wild Keep it real, dawg.

Boys, boys, boys, we gotta be really careful now, okay?

Ricky, are you listening to me?

Yeah.

If we let our guard down for one second, that f*cking crazy lunatic's gonna be all over us.

Dad...

Ricky, he's all f*ckin' tangled up in it.

His foot's caught in the g*dd*mn lawn chair.

Hey! Randy, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

(laughing) Hoo-hoo-hoo!

What is it, Mr. Lahey?

f*ck with me, will you, Ray?

Ray is going to jail, Randy!

If we call the cops, they won't come here.

We don't have to call the cops, Randy.

Who pays Ray's disability?

Worker's Comp.

What happens if we call Worker's Comp, Randy?

They'llcall the cops.

Randy... we might be polishing off two bottles of rye tonight, boy.

Bubbles: I'm sorry.

Oh, f*ck, Dad.

Sorry I let him get so drunk, Ricky, but I was distracted with the boobs and the dancing Boys, boys, boys, boys.

Cops, cops.

What the f*ck - (brakes squealing)

Is going on now?

What the hell are you guys doing here this time?

Rick, your dad's being charged with disability fraud, all the way back to 1989.

What are you talking about He's in a chair. How the f*ck is that a frog?

Everyone knows that Ray doesn't need the chair.

What are you doing?!

Look at that. It's a miracle Dad, your legs must be f*cking k*lling you, aren't they?

Ah! Ahhh!

Get back in your chair, buddy.

See, he can't walk. He needs his f*cking chair What a f*cking prick job that was, buddy!

Ah, f*ck.

Liquor, Ray?

Drunk, lying around on the couch?

f*ck off.

He had a couple drinks at a party. There's nothing wrong with that.

Don't make me have to pick you up and put you in the cruiser.

Well, how'm I gonna get there? 'Cause I can't f*cking walk!

What the f*ck do you need these for?

Gonna make balloon animals later, Ricky.

No way.

Randy.

Jim, give me a hand? Officers.

You guys aren't serious?

You're not taking my dad away! f*ck that!

You've just declared w*r, Lahey. Yeah.

Oh, yeah? You're gonna wage w*r from a jail cell, Ray?

I'm real scared. Ray, you're gonna do time.

Yeah?

Yeah. But don't worry, Ray Your stupid son Ricky will be joining you real soon.

Speaking of stupid - and we were, Ray - your son Ricky is really stupid.

What the f*ck is that supposed to mean, Lahey?

Huh?

Ipso facto, Ricky.

Ipso fuckoffo. Dad?

We'll see you soon, Rick What the f*ck is that supposed to mean?

You tell me. What's it supposed to mean You guys are going to jail, 'cause we're suing you.

f*cking with paralis guy in a f*cking chair.

He's got f*cking paralisis I said it before and I'll say it again.

When you plant sh*t seeds, you get...

sh*t weeds!

sh*t weeds. Right, Randy You know, it's not illegal to be disabled, but it is illegal to pretend to be disabled and to get money for doing it.

Yeah, it's like those people that park in the handicapped Parking spaces.

Right?

Mm-hmm.

We don't do that anymore, do we?

Randy.

(music)
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