06x04 - Where the f*ck is Oscar Goldman?

[bunniefuu]

[Alarm clock ringing]

I got really f*cking drunk last night.

Smoked a bunch of dope til five in the morning.

Ended up passing out in the sewer pipe cause it's kind of cramped back here and my back's a little sore.

Anyways, slept there, had a pretty good sleep, but I still had to get up early this morning cause I got responsibles now.

Growed up, I got kids. A lot of people say you can't smoke dope and get drunk when you have kids but that's not true. You can.

But you still gotta get up in the morning. That's being responsible.

Being a man. Trin's been doing a lot of science fair stuff, trying to pass grade six. Lucy wanted me to help out so I had no problem with that.

Trinity has not been doing as well this year as she usually does.

I had a chance to talk with her, her teacher. He's a nice man, he's, you know, attractive and we came up with a way for her to have a second chance.

Gotta do a few things to help her out with the project.

Hand it in and hope that she'll get a passing grade on it.

And sure, I'm f*cking hung over, I'm b*rned out, but that's what being a good dad's all about.

(music)

Alright, that's great. Pick him up any time you want tomorrow or the next day. Ah, I have no idea how it was possible with the crazy Channel 10 story, actually it was great for business. People drop kittiesoff for me to look after.

They're going to pay me. It must've been able to see through the bullshit and knew that I actually dole out love to the kitties.

Bubbles, where in the f*ck is Oscar Goldman?

I'm not sure. Ricky did tell me he was going to be leaving Oscar Goldman in my presence. And I thought I could deal with it, but it turns out I couldn't deal with it. So I let him go.

I didn't know it was going to cause such a big problem for Trinity's school but, I just couldn't deal with it. I let him go for reasons I'd rather not discuss at this point.

Well, the worst part about all this was that Lucy was really happy about how much time I was spending with Trin and I was helping her out with her school. And I think Trin was actually learning from me and Lucy saw that, it was kind of neat.

Like I helped her name the project The Birth of Oscar Goldman.

And now of course, I lost him. She's probably going to fail grade six. I don't know what Lucy's going to think about that.

It's not going to be good.

We got a bit of a situation.

Oscar Goldman is missing. Nobody knows where he is.

How is that possible? You were taking care of him.

I know, but he's an idiot. All he does is run around and peck at things. Looking at insects, stick his little beak in gum.

Drives me nuts.

Ricky, he's a little chicken. If Trinity flunks this project because Oscar Goldman is missing, I'm going to lose my f*cking mind.

At this point, it looks like Trinity is going to fail grade six.

I don't think that's a real big deal. She'll have to go back next year but I mean, she probably learned a lot of the stuff this year, so next year, she's already heard people talk about it, she'll find it a lot easier. She'll be bigger so a lot of the other kids will think she's cool. And she can spend more time with her friends that way, cause she won't have to study as much.

So really it's not a bad thing at all.

Julian, Oscar Goldman got out. You gotta help me find him. Can you help me find him?

Bubbs, I gotta get building supplies. I don't have time to deal with Ricky's sh*t right now.

That's the thing Julian. It's not about Ricky.

Trinity needs Oscar Goldman today or she's going to fail grade six.

I didn't know.

How did he get loose?

I'm not sure.

Alright, I'll be back in fifteen minutes.

(brakes squealing)

I don't know how it got out Ricky. I'm telling ya.

Well, I don't understand Bubbs. It's in the thing and now it's out. It doesn't make any sense. Taking some smokes Trev.

Yeah, that's cool Ricky.

Thanks.

So, did you find your chicken yet?

No. Can't find the f*cking thing anywhere. You didn't see it did ya?

No, but I been thinking about, thinking and I think I might even have an idea. I know where there's a chicken that looks just like yours. And I don't know why you just can't switch it out.

What are you talking about?

Well, I play video games with this guy Trent just over there and on my way back I noticed, it's an identical chicken.

I think it's its twin.

Well don't you think Trinity is going to notice the difference Trev?

Actually Ricky, those shifty little bastards, they all look the same. Nobody will know.

I'd swear that was you Randy, if you didn't have a T-shirt on.

Wassup dude.

Hey Corey. How are you? Haven't seen you Here Trevor, get in the car. We gotta get that other chicken.

Julian, I know you're busy with your real estate and stuff, but can you please do me a favour and help me find the original chicken.

I'm going to get the replacement now.

Sure man.

Bubbs, you help Julian, alright?

Alright Ricky. Good luck.

Where the f*ck is this chicken Trevor?

Trevor, it's f*cking perfect. Same as Oscar Goldman. Good job.

Man, I told you Ricky.

Go get the chicken.

Love you Ricky.

Trevor, you gotta stop saying that, alright? Go get the f*cking chicken.

I can't stop saying it. I really do. Like a lot.

Trev, go get the chicken please.

Love you Ricky.

Hurry up.

I think he's friendly.

Hurry the f*ck up Trevor.

Stop playing games Trev.

He's fast Ricky.

Ow, it bit me!

Are you trying to tell me that a chicken is f*cking smarter than you Trev?

Not smarter than me but it might be tougher. There, I got him.

Alright good, put him in the bag. Get the f*ck over here.

See Ricky.

What the f*ck are you doing with my chick? Give me that.

For f*ck's sakes.

Get over here.

This is f*cking big bear. Phantom three-o-one, come in.

It's f*cking big bear, over.

(shouting)

This is f*cking big bear. Big bear I need your fuckin help!.

Watch the f*cking mouthing on the air, Ricky, Jesus Christ what's the problem buddy.

I got a major situation here and I need your help.

Come on Dad, you need to help me, please.

Ricky, you know I'll help you buddy. But you know the deal too, over.

[Woman shouting]

Trevor, stop turtling. Fight back. What deal, you're my dad.

Just help me out, over.

You know the deal Rick.

Okay, I'll be there in a minute, over.

Frig off.

Excuse me, I am a doctor. He's a mental patient.

He's on dr*gs. I brought him down here for a little nature time.

Listen, Everything's cool.

I, I want this boy taken into town. I want him taken into town.

No he's, I'm taking him back to the hospital right now.

He's a mental patient. I'm a mental doctor, I am.

That's my doctor car right there. Get in the f*cking car Trevor.

I'm gonna call the cops. I'm gonna call the cops!

For f*ck's sakes. You don't have to call the cops, I'm a doctor.

[Engine revving / tires spinning]

Get out and push Trevor, for f*ck's sakes.

Push.

Corey, back in the car.

Watch your head, buddy.

Don't worry Trin, they'll find him.

One peanut butter sandwich for you.

Thanks. Did you find Oscar Goldman?

No.

We looked everywhere. He's, he's gone.

Oh that's perfect. So, Ricky lost his daughter's science project. A grown man can't keep track of a chicken?

That's pathetic.

And so that means now I'm going to have to go back down to the school and beg her teacher for another chance.

Do you know what I had to do to get this opportunity?

She's going to flunk grade six cause of this.

Look, I feel horrible about Ricky losing the chicken you know.

I'll help you Lucy. I'll put a suit on and I'll go down with you.

I'll say I'm her dad and that I lost the chicken, we'll get you an extension.

No Bubbs, I'll go down with Lucy.

And pretend that you're Trinity's father?

Yeah.

Perfect.

Yeah, works for me. I wouldn't miss this for anything.

I'm going to fail grade six.

Trinity, you're not going to fail, I promise you.

We're going to fix this somehow.

Don't worry sweetheart. I'll take care of it, alright.

Dad. I've got a major situation. Trinity's chick is missing for her science thing. You gotta help me find it, in the park.

You know the deal buddy.

Deal?

Deal. Got time for a sit down, have a look at the place.

Come on Trevor, have a seat. Just move that sh*t there, will ya?

What do you think?

It's a dump?

It's not bad.

It's not too bad, I guess.

There, have a seat. Come on guys.

I'm kind of in a rush here.

Come on, you got time for a beer. Come on here bud.

Time for a beer, come on.

Where do you piss around here Dad?

Through there, first door on the left, okay?

There's fresh piss jugs around back, help yourself.

I don't need a piss jug.

Well, suit yourself.

Jesus, Trevor, holy f*ck.

That farm lady really f*cked you over bad buddy.

Can you not tell anyone about this, Ray?

I wont say anything buddy.

So, uh, you ever been b*at up by a girl Ray.

No, no.

f*ck!

Jesus, Ricky, what the, what's the matter with you? What's going on?

A snake just bit my f*cking cock Dad!

Oh, Christ. You alright?

f*ck, no. I'm probably going to die.

Come on buddy. Come on out. You're not going to die buddy.

Well what if it's poisonous?

Well, if it's poisonous, you're going to want to get somebody to suck the poison out right away. I've seen a lot of TV specials about snakes and snake bites, and that's what they always do.

They suck the poison out. It's the most important thing you can do.

What are you saying, Trevor?

Can I have a piece of bread please Ray?

Here. Help yourself. You're going to be alright.

There's no poisonous snakes in Nova Scotia. Just let it air out for a couple of hours, you'll be alright.

How do you know that?

What, you think you're the only guy to have his cock bitten by a snake?

The only one I know of.

Could happen to anybody.

Can we go back to the park and find this chicken please.

Alright. Yeah, let's go get that chicken.

Before something else happens?

Let's go come on. Trev, Trevor, unplug that coffee maker would ya buddy? Yeah it's right there, look. Right here look.

Move this. Oh Trevor, Jesus Christ. Why'd you get all tangled up in piss jugs and extension chords.

Ray. Maybe if you didn't have extension chords and piss jugs all over your place, this wouldn't have happened.

Jesus Christ. Nobody else gets mixed up in it.

What the f*ck are you doing Trevor? Get in the car.

Where'd my piece of bread go?

Get in the car.

Come on, let's go.

What the f*ck are you doing here, little buddy?

Have a rest. Just relax. Take a load off your feet.

Bawk bawk yourself.

Trevor, what's up dude.

Hey man, I missed you.

Man, what happened?

Nothing.

What happened?

No talking boys. Dad, it was in here. Somehow it got the f*ck out. I don't know.

You're saying the chicken was in here?

It was Ray. All I can figure is that he either jumped it or he climbed up the gate here with his little plucker feet and gnarled that off with his beak.

A little chicken, with his little chicken feet opened that?

They're crafty cocksuckers Ray. They can do that.

I don't think so Bub.

I gotta be perfectly honest with you guys. I don't know anything about tracking chickens, I just did it for the free liquor but, I don't, I think it's an inside job boys. That's what I think.

What, somebody let it out?

That's exactly what I mean.

Well who the f*ck would do that?

I don't know boys.

I don't think so.

Dad, we gotta find this f*cking thing. Can you find it?

Shhhhhh!

I gotta get Shhhhh! Rick. Sh-sh-sh-shhhh!

Listen, listen. Do you hear that?

No, are you drunk?

Yes. Listen.

And I don't like tricking my son, it's easy but, but you know what. I developed this really good sense of hearing from being in the dump. You got to, if you can't hear, you don't survive in there. You gotta be on, always listening for rats and snakes and f*cking dump bees and squirrels and so uh, I developed this hearing, I did hear a chicken, I'm not kidding ya.

I heard that chicken. Bawk, bawk, bawk.

[Bottle smashing]

No good boys, I lost the trail.

I need something to get me back on the scent.

Oh, what could that be?

Hey guys, I found a mushroom that looks like a cock.

Trevor, can you please stop thinking about cocks for ten seconds?

It's a sign boys. It's a sign. A cock is a male chicken. Boys look.

Look at this, oh my f*ck. See what that is? Those are chicken tracks, boys.

And these are chicken feathers and they lead right up to f*ck, inside the door.

Lahey's got the f*cking chicken. Trevor, lure him out here.

(knocking)

Mr. Lahey, Julian's out here lifting weights with his shirt off and wants you to come and have a drink with him.

What's that Trevor?

Go, get him.

sh*t!

Look out boys.

What's going on here?

You know why we're here. Give me what I want and we'll leave.

What are you talking about Ricky?

You have no idea what I'm talking about? Boys, take him in there.

What?

Do you know why I'm here now?

No.

Okay fine. I'm just going to keep smashing stuff until you give me what I want. I'll tell Barb you got all drunk and f*cked over her kitchen. How about that?

[Smashing sounds]

Ricky, what the hell are you doing?

[Smashing sounds]

Ricky, stop!

sh*t!

It was me that let the dirty little f*cking chicken out.

What do you mean Bubbles?

I didn't want to tell you because I was embarrassed.

It happened when I was a little guy Ricky. Me and some other kids were f*cking around over at Mr. Johnson's farm.

He came out and chased us and we all ran and tried to jump the chicken coop and they all made it but I slipped and went right through the f*cking roof down into the coop. They pecked me unmercifully. And to this day Ricky, I am terrified of chickens alright.

Bubbles, you should have said something.

Look at this f*cking place.

Jim, I'm sorry. So you didn't kidnap the chicken?

Why would I kidnap a chicken, Ricky?

Let him go boys.

A chicken wandered in here a half an hour ago.

It's right down there.

Trevor, get the chicken, would you?

Jim, I'm sorry alright?

I just kind of lost control. I was worried about the chicken.

I'll give you Trevor and Corey for the day. Hopefully they can fix this place up a bit.

You're sorry.

Thanks Dad. Okay buddy.

Pretty good guys. Looks good. Good research too.

Keep up the good work.

Thanks.

Hey, excuse me. How are you doing? Ricky, Trinity's dad.

Hello.

And we've met of course.

Lucy.

Hi.

Can we talk to you for a second?

Sure.

We've got a bit of a problem with Trinity's chicken.

I left the gate open today, the chicken walked out. We can't find it.

It's missing. Is there anyway we can get like a one day extension for this marking thing or Absolutely not, no. The students have to respect the deadlines, I'm sorry but, if I don't have a chicken from Trinity, she fails science and unfortunately, fails grade six. I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do.

Well, I came here today with the chicken. I didn't know what was going to happen. I didn't know if she was going to fail grade six. I was hoping she didn't, like her dad.

But no big deal if she did. Brought the chicken in, and basically I was just hoping to convince the teacher to not failure her grade learning and I think I did that.

This sucks. I'm going to fail grade six.

You know what, it's not your fault. Your teacher's a d*ck.

Found him!

What are you doing here Julian?

This isn't the time or the, who are you?

Trinity's dad. Who are you?

I'm her teacher. I thought you were Trinity's father.

Luce?

Why does he think that? What's going on here Lucy?

Well, I had Julian fill in for you while you were checking out the chicken so Alright, well anyway, may I present you with Oscar Goldman. I found him.

I'm sorry. The deadline was this morning and she missed it.

A deadline is a deadline.

Do you know what I went through to get this chicken?

It's kind of like I was failing grade six again for the fourth time and that kind of pissed me off and then all of a sudden it hit me like, this big Light Bright went on in my head.

Like, I'm failing grade six again here and it's about life and Trinity made a life-ing thing basically out of this chicken, started with a little eggie thing and heated it up under these incu-baker things and it was born.

Man, you gotta understand.

Like, this is science but science is kind of like life.

And I never really did that good in science. I failed grade six, I was drunk half the time, and growing dope.

That's neither there nor here. The point is, right here this is life.

I mean we got this project here with volca-no fiend things.

That's not alive. I mean, I don't even know what the hell that is.

It's a good attempt by somebody but obviously that child is not as smart as my daughter. I mean, she's a brilliant kid.

She's smarter than me, she's probably smarter than you, cause you don't really look that bright. You got this project over here about brains. And that's just a bunch of stuff thrown together there, it doesn't even look like a brain. It's a horse's brain, it's bigger than a person's brain. Look at how hard she worked on this. She took this thing and she made it all growned up into a mint condition chicken like feed'n it and giving it water and keeping it warm and stuff.

She doesn't deserve to fail just because I was late with her chicken.

It's Oscar Goldman. Look at him. That's a nice looking chicken right there. Just cause her dad's a bit of a f*ck up, pardon my language in front of all these kids, doesn't mean she should fail grade six like her dad did.

Let me see the chicken.

You can't hold this against her, just cause her dad's stupid.

That is a nice chicken.

She did a great job. That's what I'm saying. It's just a little bit late.

Is this the chicken you raised Trinity? This is your chicken?

Yeah.

Alright, then. Okay, you passed. Congratulations.

Thank you. And listen, if you, I'm growing a little dope, you want some dope or something, I really appreciate this, okay?

Sure. Thanks.

Oh my god, I can't believe you did it.

Oh, you saved the day man!

It's been a hell of a day Luce, let me tell you.

We should talk about it.

Well, good luck with your sciencey thing Trin.

Thanks.

I'm sorry that we lost it, but we got it back.

Thank you.

Well, we gotta go talk about some stuff.

We'll be back later.

You know Rick, you know what really turns me on? Responsibility.

And you know, at school today, you were very, very, very responsible.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Lucy, I can't do anything. A snake bit my cock.

You can still hook a girl up, you know what I'm saying?