07x09 - Going Off the Rails on the Swayzie Train

[bunniefuu]

Julian: Okay, Randy's passed out hard boys.

Wait now.

Alright, he's down. He's out boys.

I knew they'd f*ck up.

Alright, let's move. Be quiet.

Bubbles: Get down, dickweed.

Ricky: Get the f*ck out of the way.

Julian: Rick, Rick, Rick.

Bubbles: Julian?

Bubbles: Put the stick in and twist it.

Use the propeller technique.

Ricky: Got him.

We f*cking got you now, don't we Lahey and Randy.

You f*cking tunas.

Bubbles; Torque the fucker.

Mr. Lahey: You idiots are messing with an officer of the law.

Ricky: More like an officer of the drunk.

Mr. Lahey: f*ck off, Ricky.

Ricky: Looks good on you, f*ckers.

Julian: Guess you should have been sleeping in shifts, eh Jim.

There's something you forgot about.

The liquor works for both sides buddy.

Mr. Lahey: You might be sexy Julian, but you can't teach me anything about liquor.

Julian: Cheers Jimmy.

Randy: Mr. Lahey.

Mr. Lahey: Randy.

[music]

Bubbles: Hey, Julian.

Ricky, bring her in.

Park her right here.

Julian, I think I'm going to go maybe grab the Swayzie Express.

Julian: Alright man.

Hey Jacob. Good job, man.

Jacob: Oh thanks Julian.

Julian: As soon as I get back, I'm going to throw a huge barbeque party.

Make sure you invite your boys, okay?

Jacob: Julian, me and the boys have been talking and this whole thing's been really cool you know, we had your back in the woods, setting up the track and stuff and Julian: So what are you trying to say?

Jacob: Me and the boys want to come with you guys.

You know, we want to be there to finish this thing.

Friends?

Julian: Jacob, to be honest with ya, I felt pretty bad seeing you walking around with that I.V. okay so no, it's not going to happen.

It's way too dangerous man.

Ricky: You know what Julian, you're getting too attached.

I know what it's f*cking like when guys start f*cking dressing like you and hanging out and think you're cool.

Believe me, I know exactly what it is like.

But those guys out there are idiots.

They're f*cking jail cover and that's it.

Julian: Rick, they're good kids alright.

They're students.

Ricky: Julian, don't get soft on me here.

We're almost near the end.

Those guys are f*cking jail cover, that's it.

You want to go to jail here? Cause you better make a f*cking decision.

You gonna take that tape or not.

Cause I'm not going to jail.

Those three idiots out there are.

Alright you alien skinny giraffe chickens.

I got some good news.

You three f*cking dummies are coming with us.

Get in there, pack these box cars full of weed just like this okay?

Jacob: Okay.

Ricky: Jacob, you're in control Don't let them f*ck up.

Jacob: Okay boys, this is it. Let's f*cking move it.

Bubbles: Boys, I got the Swayzie Express.

Julian: Good, load it into the car.

We gotta hook up with Sebastian in six hours.

Mr. Lahey: The whole world's searching for that train, you idiots.

You won't even make it to shitville.

You're going down Ricky.

Randy?

Ricky: Knock knock.

Who's there?

Mr. Lahey: Randy?

Ricky: I'll tell you who's f*cking there.

A drunk washed up police officer who arrested Lucy.

Put pepper all over her when she's pregnant, which is f*cked.

And now he's got nothing better to do than to scam reward money from some stupid Dirty Dancing f*cking train.

All to win the love of a half naked Chia Pet gut who likes to steal other people's girlfriends and knock them up, isn't that right, Randy?

You're both dumb as f*ck.

You're drunk again Jim, big time.

And you both f*cking lose and it feels great.

Randy: Doesn't feel that bad Ricky.

Mr. Lahey: Randy.

Ricky: Want some more. Want some more Randy.

Mr. Lahey: Knock knock Randy.

Ricky: Who's there Randy? Who's f*cking there? Water?

I can keep going all day there here guys.

Actually we can't cause I gotta go make a f*cking drug deal and become rich.

Mr. Lahey: Who's there bouncing the ball?

Phil Collins: It's me.

Philadelphia Collins.

Mr. Lahey: Phil, get the f*ck over here.

Phil Collins: Jimmy, have you seen my boy? He's missing again.

Mr. Lahey: Yeah, he left with Julian, Bubbles, and Ricky.

Phil Collins: Oh, sweet Jesus.

The drug dealers got him again.

The god-damned drug dealers.

Jimmy, go find my boy.

Bring him back.

My boys are all I got.

Mr. Lahey: Don't worry Phil.

Jacob's as important to me as he is to you.

Come on Randy man.

We got stops to make and then we're going to hit the road.

Mr. Lahey: Suspect's are driving a 1975 Chrysler New Yorker, faded black and green.

Front passenger door missing.

Shouldn't be difficult to spot.

This is an A.P.B. All Points Bulletin for all units.

Please locate vehicle and await further instructions. Over.

Ricky: Toke Jacob.

Jacob: Thanks buddy.

Julian: Ricky, boys.

Jacob, put the f*cking joint out.

Empty the drinks into the carpet.

Ricky: Oh f*ck.

Mr. Lahey: Excuse me.

Police Radio: Three double niner, come in, over.

Mr. Lahey: This is three double niner.

Come in, come in.

Police Radio: Suspect's spotted heading north on highway 102.

Awaiting further instruction. Over.

Mr. Lahey: Three double niner, we're on our way.

Keep them in sight. Over and out.

Police Radio: Copy that.

Ricky: We're just on our way to a wedding.

I'm Cory, we've got Trevor right here.

Police Officer: Yeah Cory, who, which one of you is Jacob Collins?

You? Alright, step out of the vehicle.

Let's go now.

Ricky: f*ck Jacob.

Police Officer: Alright, come around here.

Keep your hands up.

Ricky: Didn't we used to play hockey together?

Police Officer: Yeah, didn't we used to play shut the f*ck up, hands in the air.

Keep them up there.

Give me that.

Jacob: [whispering] It's just pop.

Police Officer: Yeah right. Let's go.

Ricky: Look, he's not with us.

If he had dr*gs or alcohol on him. Don't even know him.

Police Officer: Right.

Bubbles: Boys, what in the f*ck is going on?

Julian: Just stay calm.

It's probably just Phil Collins looking for Jacob.

Police Officer: Jim, are you sure you don't want me to take in the rest of these guys?

It's towing an illegal trailer, the vehicle has no license plate.

Most of these guys have alcohol and I can smell marijuana.

Permission to search. Over.

Mr. Lahey: Just Jacob Collins. Let the vehicle proceed.

Do not tip them off. I repeat, do not tip them off.

This is a top secret, undercover operation. Over and out.

Bubbles: Julian, that is clearly an alcoholic beverage.

Put it down.

Julian: Bubbles, I said, I'm cool.

Bubbles: Put it down please.

Julian, I'm freaking out.

I'm freaking out.

Julian: He's pulling away.

Jacob: What's going on boys? I'm scared.

I'm scared Julian.

Ricky: Thanks officer.

Didn't know who he was.

What the f*ck is going on with Jacob.

f*cking walrus fuckhead Phil Collins.

Bubbles: [in Conky's voice] Hello Richard.

Ricky: What the f*ck, Julian! Is that who I think it is?

Julian: Yup.

Ricky: What do we do here?

Julian: I don't know.

Bubbles?

Bubbles: Yes Julian.

Julian: Are you okay?

Bubbles: I'm perfectly fine, Julian.

[laughing] I'm very excited about getting this train fired up boys.

We are very excited.

Ricky: Give me a hand Julian.

Alright you dummies, it's time for lunch.

Bubbles, are you okay?

You and uh, Conky? Can I get you something?

Chips and bar? Pop?

Julian: Conky's being awfully quiet Bubbs.

Bubbles: Conky, excuse me for one second.

Julian, he's still pretty upset about what happened.

He doesn't have much to say, but I think he learned his lesson.

He's not going to taunt anybody.

Julian: There he is.

Sebastian: I'm meeting him right now.

You're totally right.

I love you. Come on.

Okay, okay, I love you babe. Thanks.

Alright bye. Geez.

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

I got a little bad news.

I wasn't able to come up with all the cash quite in time.

No, no, no, no.

My wife found out and f*cking freaked.

I got in some much f*cking sh*t.

Ricky: Man, I've been selling dr*gs since grade seven.

At this point in our lives, wives don't cancel my f*cking drug deals, alright.

Sebastian: No, no, no, no, no.

I figured out a way around it.

Cigarettes.

[Conky mummbles]

Bubbles: Quiet.

Sebastian: Relax, think about it man.

I got about two hundred and fifty grand US in smokes that I got from another deal.

Straight trade.

Smokes for dope.

Think about it.

You sell the smokes in Canada, you're money ends up being laundered, you end up making way more money.

Cigarettes are better than cash.

Ricky: You rock stars are all the f*cking same.

Dumb.

I mean I see you on stage, I'm thinking, hey f*ck, he looks pretty cool.

Leather pants f*cking strings in the crotch, but you're not.

You're f*cking dumb.

Cigarettes for f*cking dope, trade? No, f*ck.

Julian: Whoa, whoa. Listen Rick.

This might even be better man. This is making sense to me.

Are the cigarettes ready to go?

Sebastian: I got a truck waiting right now.

Okay, this is perfect man.

It's great for both of us.

You send me the dope, I send you the smokes.

It's f*cking bang, fucke-ooo.

Ricky: Yeah? Well what if we're in the woods and the train doesn't f*cking show up with any cigarettes and you f*ck us over.

Sebastian: Dude, do you think I'm making up some big story if I'm about to rip you off.

I guarantee you I will not f*ck you around.

Julian: What about the god-damned forest fire?

Sebastian: No, it's cool.

It's still a ways away.

But listen, this needs to go down today.

What's it going to be.

Bubbles: [Conky voice] Your hair is gorgeous and beautiful.

Sebastian: What in the f*ck is that!

Ricky: It's nothing.

Sebastian: Dude, what is that?

Ricky: It's cool man.

Sebastian: Isn't that my buddy? The guy with the glasses.

Ricky: Yeah, it's a long f*cking story.

Sebastian: Dude, is there something wrong with my hair.

Ricky: No man, you're hair is f*cking awesome.

Sebastian: Seriously?

Ricky: Julian.

Julian: Listen, we had a bit of a situation with our friend, he's all f*cked up on dr*gs and alcohol. You know how it goes man.

Alright, the train's going to be there in about two hours.

I want you to be ready for it and no more f*ck ups okay?

Sebastian: Dude, it is on.

Julian: Alright! Yes.

Bubbles: Why did you have to say that to him?

Bubbles: [Conky voice] He deserved it.

Randy: You are f*cked.

Do you know how f*cked you are? You are really f*cked.

Mr. Lahey: Randy!

Randy: You are in trouble.

Jim Lahey: Thanks a lot for your help.

Can't explain this, undercover.

Police Officer: Oh, okay Jim.

Mr. Lahey: Jacob, friendship.

Is that what you think it is with these guys.

You know what you are? Jail cover.

That means you go to jail and they don't.

Talk to me boy.

Jacob: I'm not ratting on my friends, no way.

Mr. Lahey: Randy, take off Jacob's cuffs and put him in the back.

He'll talk.

Jacob, all we want is the Swayzie Express.

We know Bubbles stole it and we know you know about it.

You help us and I'll make sure that the courts go easy on your old man.

He's been buying stolen meat Jacob.

Stolen meat.

[Conky clears his throat]

Bubbles: We did all the calculations here and everything here Rick but Conky'd like to run one more test you know, a balance check, make sure the loads don't shift.

Julian: Bubbles, do you really need Conky for this?

Bubbles; Julian, I know what you're thinking alright, but forget that.

It's not going to be like that this time.

Conky's not going to f*ck with you guys.

Alright boys, it all comes down to this remote now.

I hope this fucker's wired right.

Let's do it.

Yes, yes!

Ricky: f*ck yeah, Bubbles! This is going to work.

Bubbles: Just wait now.

Other direction.

Julian: Good job buddy.

It was perfect Bubbs.

Bubbles: Well, it wasn't all me Julian.

Conky helped too.

Guess what else he did?

Bubbles: [Conky voice] I got us some steaks, corn on the cob, jumbo shrimp, Caesar salad.

Why don't we all just go down to the river, and you guys get a fire going and we'll have a great time.

Ricky: Awesome, thanks Conky.

f*ck Conky's being cool man.

Plus all that food.

Julian: Rick, Conky didn't buy us the food.

Bubbles bought us the food.

Don't get wrapped up in all this Conky bullshit.

Ricky: I know, I'm good.

Julian: Set up camp down at the river.

Jacob: Ow! Why do I have to wear a wire?

Mr. Lahey: Jacob, it's for your own safety bud.

Listen, don't trust these guys for a f*cking minute.

Jacob, why did they need a model train this f*cking close to the border bud.

Jacob: I don't know.

Mr. Lahey: Are they using the train to smuggle dope across the border? Yes or no question.

Jacob: I, I have no idea.

Bubbles: Conky's got to use it boys.

[sound of an engine]

Ricky: What the f*ck is that?

Julian: Looks like two forest rangers.

Ricky: Can they f*cking do anything to us?

Julian: I don't think so man.

Put out a fire maybe.

Ricky: Julian, we got a lot of f*cking dope here man.

Julian: Ricky, you just gotta stay cool alright.

We're camping.

Ricky: Alright.

What the f*ck are they driving?

Julian: Just stay cool, alright.

Let's handle it.

Bubbles: I was rocking a piss and I heard this some kind of motorized weird vehicle coming up the river there and two guys get out of it.

Forest rangers I guess.

And one of them looked just like G.I. Joe Tom Selleck.

Forest Ranger: What in the hell are you boys doing out here?

Do you not see this smoke.

In these parts boys, we call that a forest fire.

Now pack up your stuff, you got to leave.

Ricky: We're not leaving.

We're camping getting high and drunk.

Right now I'm so f*cking baked, I ain't scared of fire.

f*ck fire.

Julian: Smarten up Ricky.

Forest Ranger: Did you call him Ricky? Did you call him Ricky?

Amanda, get the stuff out of the Argo.

Funny thing is, we found garbage and a cooler with Ricky on it.

Now you wouldn't know anything about that would you Ricky?

Or maybe, maybe it's another Ricky, 250 miles from the middle of nowhere.

Ricky: Oh that company's f*cked. You know what.

These two guys came through here, they were threatening us and doing all the crazy sh*t, dancing around the woods right over there.

And they had that f*cking cooler with them.

I guess the guy's name was Ricky, I don't know. But we..

Forest Ranger: Funny guy, funny guy. Look at this.

This is not a campground where you can have a party and litter.

This is a protected wild life sanctuary.

There are more beavers living here than anywhere else naturally in the world.

What's wrong with you guys? Look at this.

You're under arrest.

All of you. Amanda.

Ricky: Under arrest. He said you can't arrest us.

Forest Ranger: Get up. Get up.

Ricky: But this stuff here. Those same two guys.

Forest Ranger: You, down there. Amanda, take him. In the Argo, let's go.

Ricky: Well I'm taking this beer and this joint.

Where are you guys take us?

Bubbles: [Conky voice] Excuse me.

Mr. Selleck? Tom Selleck?

Forest Ranger: What did you call me?

Bubbles: [Conky voice] You sir are a US Forest Ranger.

With a beautiful moustache I might add.

But you're standing on Canadian soil.

Which means you don't have any jurisdiction over us right now.

That river right there forms the border for you and your precious American beavers.

Forest Ranger: They're not American beavers or Canadian beavers.

They're beavers. Do I make myself clear?

Bubbles: [Conky voice] Give us a kissy.

Forest Ranger: As for you two, you stay out of the States or I will take you down so fast, it, it, it won't even be funny.

Ricky: But we're not in the States. See, this is Canada.

Forest Ranger: Get out of my way.

Ricky: Just like the puppet said. That's the US over there.

Forest Ranger: Get out of my way, or I will take you to the States. Out of the way.

Ricky: Well, appreciate you guys talking to us.

If you need some good dope, we're right here.

Forest Ranger: Let's go Amanda.

[sound of bottles clinking together]

Bubbles: [Conky voice] I have to say Julian, pretty impressive little operation you pulled together here.

Jacob: Hey guys, what's up.

No don't sh**t. It's me. It's Jacob.

Ricky: What the f*ck do you mean, what's up?

What was with the cops man?

Did they follow you here?

How the f*ck did you get here?

Jacob: I, uh, hitchhiked.

The cops, there's no cops.

My Dad called them because he didn't want me hanging out with you guys, but I told him to f*ck off and that you're my friends. That's how I roll now.

Ricky: You're so full of sh*t!

Julian: Ricky, knock it off. Jacob, come here.

Mr. Lahey: He made it in bud.

Julian: Welcome back to the team, buddy.

Jacob: Thanks.

Julian: You okay?

Jacob: Yeah I'm fine.

Julian: Looks like you need a drink.

Jacob: Definitely.

Julian: You sure you're okay?

There's nothing else you want to tell me here?

Jacob: Yeah, I'm fine. I just really need a drink, that's all.

Julian: Good, go mix yourself up a drink.

Get ready to send the train out.

Jacob: Oh awesome.

Bubbles: Alright boys. You guys ready?

You do the honours Conky.

Bubbles: [Conky voice] Three, two, one.

Julian: Hey Sebastian. The turkey just went in the oven, okay.

Get ready to pick it up.

The bits and pieces you ordered are on their way.

Ricky: The f*cking dr*gs are coming over the border right now.

Be ready to send back the cigarettes okay?

If there's any cops listening, go f*ck yourselves.

Julian: Bubbles. Could I have a word with Conky for a minute?

I just want to speak to Conky.

Bubbles: Yeah, sure Julian.

Julian: Not with you, just with Conky in private. Just for a minute.

Ricky: Here Bubbs, have a beer.

Bubbles: Are you alright with that Conky?

Bubbles: [Conky's voice] Uh, yeah sure, I guess so.

Bubbles: Alright, I'll be right here. Just him.

Julian: So how you feeling Conky?

Bubbles: [Conky voice] Um, pretty good Julian.

Like good. Why do you ask?

Julian: I'm just a little worried about Bubbles.

I'm just hoping you could help me out here.

Bubbles: [Conky's voice] Well?

Julian: When Bubbles gets stressed out, he doesn't know how to deal with it sometimes.

Okay? So, I just wanted you to know that we're his real friends and could you just tell him that we're there for him no matter what?

Bubbles: Really? Cause I thought he was Bubbles: [Conky's voice] I mean, I thought he was kind of on his own.

Uh, that's good to know then Julian.

I think we're done here.

[kissing noise]

Bubbles: [in Conky's voice] Sorry to interrupt Ricky, but Bubbles has to get some sleep now.

Bubbles: Conky, I'm not done talking to Ricky.

Bubbles: [Conky's voice] Bubbles. Bubbles, no.

Bubbles: [Conky's voice] Don't talk back to me.

Bubbles: But Bubbles: [Conky's voice] Bubbles listen, we're going to bed right now.

Bubbles: Alright. I'm going to get some sleep alright boys?

Julian: Have a good sleep buddy.

Bubbles: Alright.

Ricky: Did you deal with that Conky stuff?

Me and Bubbles just talked about hockey.

Julian: I don't know man.

He kind of, there was, he kind of snapped there for you know, a second. I...

Ricky: It's pretty f*cking weird.

Julian: You're telling me.

Bubbles: [Conky's voice] Hello operator.

Yes, I was wondering if you could dial a couple of numbers for me.

I don't have the use of my arms.

Yes, I'm looking for the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the DEA and the A*F.

Oh yes, I'll hold.