01x01 - Pilot

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "One Big Happy". Aired March - April 2015.
"One Big Happy" is about a gay woman who decided to have a baby with her straight best friend, and her best friend is in love with another woman.
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01x01 - Pilot

Post by bunniefuu »

Hi, I'm here to pick up my prescription prenatals.

Right now, I'm pre-prenatal, but I hope to be natal very soon.

Luke: All right, picked up a bunch of pregnancy tests and these.

Because, come on!

How 'bout this one?

No, that one says "99% accurate."

More like 98... and they spelled "accurate" wrong, so I'm out.

How long have you and your husband been trying?

Oh, he's not my husband.


Big time.

He's my best friend.

We're doing it together.

I mean, I'm not "doing it" with him, 'cause then I wouldn't be a very good lesbian.

I'm doing it with a plastic cup.

And what we do is not dishwasher safe.

And I know we may not be everyone's idea of a traditional family.

What's untraditional about a lesbian and a fighter pilot having a baby?

He is not a fighter pilot.

But my point is, we're still good people with solid values.

Thank you.

Um, you didn't pay for that.


♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

(toilet flushes)

Okay, I peed on it!

A full five seconds on the stick and three on my hand, which reaffirmed I am not that type of girl.

That's because you hover.

Who hovers when they pee at home?

I do! Because I live with you.

You pee like you're hula hooping.

Okay, so if the test shows a smiley face, we're pregnant.


Luke, you're ready for this, right?

'Cause I really think it worked this time, and having a baby is a huge commitment.

Uh, I can make a commitment.

I'm in a pretty serious relationship with that cup.

Buddy, you never even let a girl stay the night.

I'm saving my mornings for someone special.

Like a baby? 'Cause, you know, they have to be fed every three hours, and if you don't keep 'em on a schedule, they get fussy...

So you're a baby?

I'm serious.

I'm committed. We've gone over this.

It's going to be you, me, and the teeny-tiny.

I promise. And, look...

I got you something...


How stupid is this?

So stupid! Ooh!

How dumb are these?

Ohh, so dumb.

I mean, I don't know if this green works with this blue.

But they're so dumb!

(both laughing)

Oh, I want a stupid baby.

I mean, not stupid stupid.

That's why I'm taking folic acid.

And why I'm having the baby with you.

'Cause you're smarter than you look.

I mean, you knew I was gay before I did.

You wore a top hat to prom.

It matched my tux.

And, sure, I should have known I was gay when I named my cat Ellen.

But you brought it to my attention.

You're a good person, and I hope our baby takes after you.

Well, I hope our baby takes after you, because I have a really good feeling about this.

Me, too... this one is the one.


(both squealing)

It's not a smiley face, unless it's a German person smiling.

It's negative.

I'm sorry.

Do you wanna cry or bury yourself in a project?

I can drive you to The Container Store.


But maybe we could paint that wall a fun accent color.

There she is. That's my girl.

Damn it!


It'll happen when it's meant to.

No, I just got a little of your pee on me.

♪♪ (upbeat music playing)

I'm sorry, Sissy.

I know how it must have felt not to get pregnant.

That's how I felt when I got pregnant.

How are you a social worker?

Look, children are a blessing.

But they ruin your life.

Roy: And I love our daughter.

She's my angel.

I'd lift a burning car to save her.

But I hate her.

She's just not a cool person.

So just try to have a good time tonight, okay?

Live it up.

Maybe they're right about livin' it up.

I mean, of course I wish I was pregnant, but I'm not.

Let's have one of our legendary nights.

Remember when we stole your dad's pickup and we drove to Vegas, but we just stayed in the car 'cause we were too young to do anything?

We saw stuff out the window, though.

Yeah, we did.

Now, go get me a glass of white wine, and then let's get crazy.

Hey, can I have a... chardonnay for my friend, and, uh, something a guy would drink for me.

(British accent) Oh, sorry, I don't work here.

I just got tired of waiting for the bartender.

So I hopped back here to mix myself a drink.

So far, I've earned $30.

And then I found out there was a drinking age here.

Oops! (giggles)

I always wanted to jump behind a bar.

Well, get back here then.



Guess I swept you off your feet.

I was gonna say I fell pretty hard for you.

But instead, I'm asking myself if I have a concussion.

Are you all right?

Are you British?

How'd you guess?

My thick British accent?

Or my wonky back tooth running parallel to my gums?

I'm Prudence.

You're pretty, Prudence.

I'm Pruke.

I mean Luke.

I have a concussion!

You're still shaking my hand, Luke.

Uh, I'm sorry.

I didn't say you had to let go.

Uhh, where is Luke with my "drank"?



If it's white wine, it's not a "drank."

There he is, with that boob-tender.

Do you want to go out sometime?

I'm on a plane back to England on Monday.

I tend not to stay in one place for too long.

So how about right now? Let's dance.

Oh, I don't dance.

That's kind of my "thing."

Your "thing" is a thing you don't actually do?

Well, you'd never jumped over a bar before, and that worked out pretty well for you.


Are you dancing?

I think so.

I've tried to get him to dance with me forever.

I once took him to a Black Eyed Peas concert, and he did not "get it started" in there.

I think they look cute together.

Maybe "Haircut" over there is finally ready for a girlfriend.

Please, he'll never see her again.

Lovely morning, isn't it?

Would you like some tea?

I found your saucers.

I was just looking for some big cups.

Oh, I think you found them.

I'm sorry, you are...

100% nude.

(laughing) So naked.

D-Does Luke know that you're still here?

He asked me to stay!



What?! Oh, come on.

It's not like you've never seen a naked woman before.

I guess I'm just used to earning it.

Or p*rn it.

How would I do in the lesbian market?

I don't think I've ever been appraised.

(stammering) You'd do good...

Y-You'd do really, really good.

Uh, maybe don't sit!

Whoo hoo, vag*na right on the chair.

Are you always this uptight?

Do you know what you need?

I know that you need a robe.

Or maybe three strategically-placed leaves.

You need a colonic.




It will loosen you up!

I don't need a colonic!

I eat 30 grams of fiber a day, and then I knock it down to 25 on weekends and holidays.

I am plenty loose!

I'm sorry. I've offended you.

Let me give you a hug.

No, that's okay.

Oh, I'm hugging you.

No, please don't come near me.

I don't, I re...

Wow, vag*na right on my leg.

I'm starting to think you're not a very good lesbian.


So this is The Bowl Hole.

My grandfather built it.

He wanted to leave it to my father, but my father was too busy leaving my mother, so now I own the place!

Is bowling popular in England?

No... but getting drunk and rolling stuff is.

I love this place, but my real passion is this.

It's my novel.

It's about the last remaining humans after the android uprising.

You're kidding!

I love sci-fi!

I even keep extra cash on me for when the machines take over.

You are a magical creature.

You're like a unicorn I'm allowed to have sex with.

(cell phone jingling)


Where are you? I'm at the paint store.

Ohh, sorry, I lost track of time.

Actually, I didn't lose it.

I know where I put it.

But we had a paint date... ooh!

And I picked out our fun accent color.

"Distant Grey."

Sounds fun... but I'm hanging with Prudence, and kind of doing "A Day in the Life of Luke."

Prudence? The nudist?

You're still with her?

Yeah, and we had a pretty amazing day.

We sat at that cafe on Franklin and people-watched.

We played "Gay or British?" and she is really good.

But that's our thing.

All right, how 'bout this?

Prudence and I will wake up, paint the wall before you even get a chance to post your morning coffee on Instagram.

So she's spending the night again?

Listen, Lizzy, I'm sorry, I feel like I'm being rude here.

Well, it is kind of rude.

I mean, you stood me up and...

No, I meant to Prudence. Bye!

So what'll it be?

What color says, "I'm losing my best friend?"

Swiss Coffee.


Prudence... this is Marcus, professional bowler and our lane mechanic.

I've never met a professional athlete before.

Are you quite famous?

I've been called the LeBron of bowling.

The only difference is LeBron makes 100 mil and drives a Bugatti.

I make 20 grand and take the bus.

Just lifestyle choices, really.

I haven't the faintest clue who LeBron is, but he sounds like a real show-off.

He's an incredible basketball player.

Well, to me, he is just the Marcus of basketball.

I love her.

Lock it down... or somebody else will.

Later, baby.

Listen, Prudence...

I don't want you to leave.

So I have a proposal.

You about to get down on one knee?

Well, this is gonna seem less good now.

I was gonna say I'll go splitsies on a new ticket so you can stay longer.

I'm afraid that's not possible.

What am I sayin'? I'll pay two-thirds.

Luke, I need to tell you something.

If you're gonna tell me you were born a man...

I am oddly okay with that.

No... the thing is, I'm an alien.

Oh, I knew you were too hot to be human.

No, like an illegal alien.

Though I've often wished I was an "alien" alien, because who doesn't want a smaller mouth that comes out of their bigger mouth?

But I'm just a girl from dodgy Splitwick, England.

And I have to go back for good, because... I'm being deported.

Wow, deported?

That's kind of bad-ass.

Also breaks my heart.

I'm sorry.

I wish I'd met you months ago.

Well, not too many months ago, because I was working on the beach in the Bahamas, giving white people black people braids.

What do you think about spending every moment with me before you're taken away in handcuffs?

Think it sounds a bit codependent.

Let's do it!

I think I love you.

I might love you, too.
What the hell color is this?

Isn't it perfect?

It's bold, it's warm, it's sexy...

It's too loud.

(whispering) Oh...

Well, isn't it perfect?

It's bold, it's warm, it's sexy...

I'm talking about the paint, Prudence.

Oh, well, I just thought the color you wanted... how do I put this... made me feel lonely.

Like I wanted to hang myself with a belt.

Whereas this adds a much-needed pop!

Distant Grey has a lot of pop.

I agree with her.

both: Thank you.

Excuse me? I mean, I think he meant...

I meant Prudence.

Excuse me?

I get it, Lizzy.

It's not the color you thought you wanted.

I felt that way when my mum had my fifth and sixth sister.

I wanted a brother.

But eventually, I stopped pushing my sisters down the stairs, and now I love one of them so much.

Just leave it up for a week.

And if you don't hang yourself, there's your color!

This is my accent wall, and you don't get to paint it just 'cause you have an accent.

This is my house!

It's our house, and I like it.

Right, I'm gonna let you two have a spat.

This is not a spat, we don't have spats.

Right then, I'll just go get cleaned up.

Don't get too clean. I like you a little dirty.


Dude, what's your problem?

All of a sudden, I have a new roommate with no taste taking over the place, and I had to buy vag*na coasters for all the furniture.

Calm down, she goes back to England on Monday.

Thank God!

"Thank God"? It's been the best few days of my life.

What is this love affair you're having with this girl?

Um, a love affair?

Oh, please, you just met her.

You don't love her.

Oh, I'm sorry, are you an expert on love?

Is your very-serious girlfriend in your bedroom right now?

Okay, you don't have to be bitchy.

Well, that's the bitch calling the bitch a bitch.

So is that what I am now?

'Cause I thought I was your best friend.

Maybe if you weren't so rigid, you'd meet somebody, too.

But you don't give people a chance.

There's more to Prudence than what you've seen.

Where's she hiding it?

Here you go. Enjoy.

Try not to get couscous on the floor, 'cause I have to pick up every kernel individually, which I don't mind, but it's time-consuming.

Lizzy, you look like you could use a glass of wine.

Oh, my God, I sound like a white woman.

I don't need wine... I'm fine, never been better.

Sorry for the hideous wall color.

I think it pops.

Shut up.

Where's Luke? Not that you're not super-fun tonight.

I don't know, but I need to talk to him, and he's not answering any of my calls.

Thank God Prudence is going back to England tomorrow with her little sex doll body and her effortless whimsy, and I'll finally get Luke back.

Sissy, you sound like a jealous ex-wife.

What? No, I don't, I'm not jealous...

Wait, why did you say ex-wife?

Hey, sorry we're late, Lizzy, I know I've been M.I.A., smells like your couscous came out great, but we need to talk, 'cause Prudence and I had a legendary night.

We do need to talk, and it needs to be in private.

Prudence, is that a ring on your finger?

You did not get engaged.

We did not get engaged.

We got married!

You got married?!

We got married!

In Vegas!

Great things can happen when you get out of the car.

Congrats, man, let's have a toast.

Lizzy, you need wine.

No, I don't.

Luke, are you insane?

Seriously, have you lost your mind?

You don't know the first thing about her.

She's definitely a liar.

Hot chicks don't like sci-fi.

Look, I know it's kind of sudden, but I love Prudence, and when she told me she was being deported, I knew I had to lock it down.

Lizzy, have some wine.

I'm not having wine.

See, there's that uptight thing again.

I'm not uptight.

(all disagreeing)

I'm pregnant!

Then I'm having her wine.

You're pregnant?

I'm pregnant.


Congrats, Lizzy!

I so admire women who can't find partners having babies all on their own!

It's not immaculate conception.

She's not having the next Jesus.

How cool would that be, though?

I mean, Jesus? Now that's a nephew.

Prudence, Luke is the father.

No, Lizzy.

Darth Vader's the father.

She's talking about me, but I love that you know that.

It's your baby?

Yeah, we... we had a plan.

If we didn't have kids by 30, we were gonna have 'em together.

Oh, my God.

I'm gonna be a dad.


And I'm a husband.


Look at me making my life complete.

Mazel tov, man.


You didn't maybe wanna mention this baby plan to me before right this minute?

I'm your wife.

I was gonna tell you, but the subject hadn't come up yet.

Hey, you've know her less than a week.

A Tuesday hasn't even come up yet.

She wants a green card, Luke.

Have you seen any movie ever?

You think I'm Gérard Depardieu-ing him?

I think you already did.

Luke, we're having a baby.

You made a commitment.

I didn't know you were pregnant until two seconds ago.

And if you'd known she was pregnant?

What then?


I don't know.

That's not great.

Yeah, you make something up, at least.

We'll figure it out. We'll be one big happy.

No, we won't.

We're having a family, Luke.

And we have to protect it, we can't just let any stranger in the door, even a sexy stranger who let you in her door.

Look, Lizzy, you don't really know me.

And I am many things.

An open water swimmer, decent surgeon, and a part-time techno DJ.

I am no liar, and I am no green card slut.

But you're right, a baby does trump everything.

Including me, so I'm just gonna give you both some time to sort things out.

Prudence, no, just wait...

Nice, Lizzy! Very nice.

Can you believe him?

Let's be honest.

Your baby plan had some holes in it from the beginning.

She's been waiting to say that.

Said it twice on the car ride over.

Hey, are you okay?

Where were you? Where's Prudence?

(slurring) What do you care?

Are you drunk?


We broke up.

We're never gonna see a Tuesday.

She's on the way to the airport.

You broke up?

But you're married.

Only legally and because I think she's awesome.

But you're pregnant, and I made a commitment to you first.

You did, but...

I have to learn to share you.

Okay, and it's hard for me.

'Cause it's just been the two of us for so long.

(mumbling) And I guess I got a little jealous.



Look, I can't expect you to stay single forever.

I hope I don't stay single forever.

You deserve to be happy.

Even if the person that makes you happy makes me crazy.

I told her I felt really bad.

You know what she said?

That you need a colonic?

No. She said she thought what we're doing is amazing.

Oh, really?

I mean, I don't know if I'd call it amazing, but...

And she said she respected you because you protect your family against things you see as a thr*at.

Even if it's her.

Or androids.

She liked my book.

And she said you're gonna be a great mom.

And then we did sh*ts.

I mean, sure, she's not the woman of my dreams for your dreams, but...

I'm not an expert on love.

And maybe you shouldn't let her get on that plane.

What... what are you talking about?

Oh, my God, have you seen any movie ever?


Excuse me, excuse me, I'm pregnant.

I'm allowed to go where I need to go.


Lizzy! What're you doing here?

I'm locking it down, I'm getting you back.

Why? You don't even like me.

I know.

But Luke loves you.

And I love him.

When I came out, he was the only person that accepted me for who I was.

I love that about him.

I loved it first, but... it's my turn to do the accepting.

But you two are having a baby.

And you made it pretty clear there's no room for me in your house.

I will make room, okay?

A family tree has a lot of branches.

I don't know.



Come be a branch and make the father of my unborn branch the happiest branch alive.

Are you sure?

Not really.

Hey, look, I got you something.

Hello, **.

Oh, I did the thing that every guy for every movie ever does.

I went to the airport, I got the girl.

I mean, I got her for you, but still I felt good.

Everyone clapped, and I hope it's not weird, but...

I kissed her, cause it's what the crowd wanted.

How good of a kisser is she?

(mumbling) Pretty good. It was really, really good.

Thank you.

So, how's all this gonna work?

I have no idea.

I've got lots of ideas.

I could be your midwife.

And your nanny.

And with the right tools, your pediatrician.

That is never gonna...

We'll talk about it.

I love you.

Both: I love you too.

Excuse me?
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