01x17 - Fifteen-Something

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, Izzy.

Hey, Cris. How are you?

Well, I have two affidavits to write, a deposition, and my car needs brakes.

Just say "fine." That was all I was looking for.

Oh.

Yes! It was good to see you, too!

I know! I can't wait, either!

Uh-huh. Bye!

[Door closes]

I hate that stupid Juanita Canales.

She is so phony.

Mm, she saying something to someone's face and then another behind their back?

I hate people like that.

She invited us to her granddaughter's quinceañera this weekend.

She waited till the last minute so I would have no time to prepare.

Prepare? It's not your quinceañera.

I mean, you became a woman hundreds of years ago.

She wants to show off.

But two can play at that game.

Daniela, get in here! Daniela: [Sighs]

Ama, why do you have to yell all the time?

I'm not a pet.

Mm, in her defense, you did come.

Juanita Canales has invited us to Erica's quinceañera.

And this family needs to dress to impress.

So, get something tight for you and Felix to show this off, huh?

All they have are tight clothes.

Me, too, but for different reasons.

[Laughs]

Hey. Not funny.

Oh, and Cristela... eh, forget it.

I'm not going. No.

You always use these as opportunities to try to set me up with men. No.

I don't do that.

You offered a guy a dowry for me.

And still no one wanted you.

But this time, you are gonna bring Josh from work as your date.

Hmm. Take that, Juanita Canales.

My daughter has a white boyfriend.

He's not my boyfriend.

No, but he's white, and that's all that matters.

Why is that so important?

Because bringing a white boyfriend shows that, uh, like the Jeffersons, we are moving on up.

Ama, that is a terrible thing to say.

Why do you think she's smiling?

Daniela, you did fine. You married a very good Latino.

But dating somebody white has its perks.

You get better service.

You only get a warning when you get pulled over.

Also, you don't get pulled over.

Listen. If you're not going, then I'm not going.

I always get into a fight with Felix over these things because he never wants to dance with me.

Oh, no. You're going.

Exactly.

But the opposite. We're not going.

I'm home.

[Door closes]

Wow, Izzy.

What a suspiciously beautiful dress.

Why is she wearing it?

I bought it for her for Erica's quinceañera.

Turn around. Oh, can we go?

Oh, please, please, please. I love this dress.

It is a beautiful dress.

Perhaps the most beautiful dress I have ever seen.

No one is questioning the beauty of the dress.

Please go upstairs so I can talk to ama, okay, honey?

You play dirty, old woman.

Not upstairs yet.

Izzy doesn't count. It's Felix who won't want to go.

[Door opens]

Hola, mi Amor. I just had a great run.

Got to make sure I fit into that suit your mom got me for Juanita's quinceañera.

It's tight.

What?

Well, that sounds like a man who really wants to go.

Felix, you don't have to pretend.

I know you hate these things.

Oh, no. I'm excited.

Ever since we started taking dance classes, I've been looking for a place to show off.

I still don't want to go.

Why not?

All your problems have been fixed.

He wants to dance.

Yeah, of course he wants to dance.

Now he's fantastic. It makes me sick.

Oh, yes. You have a gorgeous husband who is a great dancer.

My husband left me years ago. I feel your pain.

Look, ama.

I've gotten used to the fact that my husband is always the best-looking person in the room and that he gets all the attention.

When I was pregnant, women used to go up to him and say, "Felix, you look radiant."

Ohh. He did.

Especially with Izzy.

Dancing was the one opportunity I had where people would notice me and not him.

And now it's like I'm pregnant all over again.

Daniela, why do you think people won't notice you?

You're beautiful.

I know. It's silly.

But it's just the way I feel. I can't help it.

If I can make sure that Felix doesn't dance, will you go?

How can you do that? You saw him.

He's flitting around here like got the lead in "Swan Lake."

Tight shoes.

What?

Tight shoes.

Buy him a pair that doesn't fit.

His feet will t*rture him, and no more dancing.

Tight enough, you'll be lucky if he walks again.

Is that a new tie?

Oh. Yes, it is.

Uh, I think it says that I'm confident and assertive.

Mm. It also says "gray."

Hey, um, you, uh, you maybe want to get lunch today?

Oh, uh, I think you took gray the wrong way.

[Chuckles]

Uh, so what are you saying?

We're friends. Going to lunch isn't something friends do.

[Scoffs]

I'm not gonna lie. I have seen it.

[Elevator bell dings]

Cristela, where are you?

Oh, God. Go away. Go away. Go away.

Cristela, dónde estás?

Let me guess. You're looking for Cristela?

Hi. I'm her boss, Trent Culpepper.

Oh! Mr. Culpepper. Ha.

This is my mother... Natalia. She doesn't speak English.

I do, too.

And I guess you could say we're both her bosses.

[Chuckles]

Oh, and get this.

I don't pay her, either.

[Chuckles]

[Laughs]

Did you say mother? Didn't you mean to say your sister?

Oh, you are not the first person to say that.

Yes, he is.

[Laughs]

Your mother is delightful, Cristela.

Only when she wants something. Trust me. She's horrible.

I have to go, but it was great meeting you, Mrs. Hernandez.

Thank you, Mr. Trent. Oh, bye.

[Laughs]

Ama, what are you doing here?!

I just came by to see where my sweet little angel works.

You have never visited me at any one of my jobs, not even Holy Molé, and you love that place.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Hernandez.

Oh, there he is! Josh from work.

You can actually just call me Josh from here.

[Laughs] You are too much!

I always say, the Jewish are so funny.

You can stop being nice. Josh knows the real you.

I just came by to tell you that Daniela decided to go to the quinceañera, and I thought maybe you would like to go.

But, of course, you would need a date... Josh from here.

No, ama. We're just friends.

Actually, I-I've always wanted to go to a quinceañera.

I mean, it's not like we'd be going to lunch.

Do you even know what a quinceañera is?

Uh, I now speak enough Spanish to confidently say 15-something.

Spoken like a true native.

Ama. [Speaks Spanish]

Figure it out.

Why are you smiling like that?

Because this is where I work and I don't want people to know that we're fighting.

Well, just so that you know, I will not be smiling while I'm talking.

What is the big deal? I know you like him.

Just let him take you to the quinceañera.

I keep telling you, Josh is just a friend.

Fine. I will tell him that you don't like him and you don't want to be seen with him.

'Cause if you do that, then you might ruin the off chance that maybe, someday, I-in the far distant future, I would want to go out with him.

Hmm.

Either you go to the quinceañera with Josh, or I blow any chance you could ever have with him in the far distant future.

[Sighs] You are so awful!

Remember that when she gets up there.

Or down there.

[Chuckling] Hey.

[Laughs]

Fine.

I'll go to the quinceañera with Josh.

Oh, thank you. You make me so proud.

And now I will smile.

Ama.

What?

Well, you'll thank me later when it's time to wrap up the leftovers.

Oh.

Hey, dad.

We're really gonna show 'em on the dance floor, huh?

Check out my moves.

Yeah.

Whoo!

[Chuckles] Hey, yeah.

Looking good, Henry.

Um, why don't you go practice some more in front of the mirror so you can see what you look like?

Oh, I almost gave him the heimlich.

Hey, have you seen my shoes? I can't find them anywhere.

Oh, here. I bought you a new pair yesterday.

The guy threw in a shoehorn, so you know they're good.

All right.

Are you sure? They look kind of small.

There are no small shoes. There are only small dancers.

What?

It's a saying. You don't know all the sayings.

Just try them on.

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, that's probably Josh.

Oh, you mean our trophy wife.

[Gasps] Josh from here is here.

Oh!

You look wonderful. A-are you sure?

'Cause, you know, I've never been to a quinceañera, so...

You look pasty. It's perfect.

Mira, Cristela.

You look so pretty standing next to your white date.

Ooh!

Don't call him that!

He's my white friend.

Wait. Uh, wow. What's going on?

My mom thinks it's a status symbol for a latina to be seen with a white guy.

You're like an expensive bag.

Wait. What exactly am I walking into?

Black Friday but for single chicks?

You'll be the center of attention.

[Clears throat] Excuse me.

I'm usually the one that gets all the attention.

Um, you used to until this amazing Caucasian showed up.

So, wait. I-I'm confused.

So, just because I'm white, I'm more of a catch than Felix?

[Chuckles] Seriously?

Ow.

Well, then you're gonna look really good dancing with me.

You are welcome.

[Chuckles] I don't dance.

You don't... well, so, you invited me to a dance where you won't dance?

It's also a cash bar. [Sighs] There.

All the bad news are out of the way.

But didn't you dance at your quinceañera?

Oh, I-I didn't have one.

So, then I thought my first dance should be with the right guy at the right time.

A-and I had the right guy. Ooh, Justin Timberlake.

Just never the right time.

He was busy, I was busy. We never... Connected.

Yeah.

My first dance was with my cousin.

She still calls me.

[Chuckles]

Uh, flock of vultures, 3:00.

Wow. Now I know what it feels like to be racially profiled.

Yeah, that's what happens. Cops pull you over to date you.

Hey. You'll never guess what this woman said to me.

She asked me if I was a model... sears catalogue.

[Chuckles] Oh, I wish.

Ooh, I love this song. Let's dance.

Don't your feet hurt?

Took off my shoes.

Oh. Well, I don't feel like it.

I had a hard day at work.

But I really want to dance.

I can't dance now because I'm mad at you!

So, I was in trouble because I didn't dance.

Now I'm trouble because I do want to dance.

That's right.

Maybe next time you'll know better.

Wow.

Hard to believe what's her name's 15 already, huh?

It's Erica.

Thanks for coming.

Well, you know, who can resist the glamour of a quinceañera?

[Chuckles]

This is silly.

You two should go dance.

Ama, you know I don't dance.

Then go stand out on the floor where people can see you.

Cristela, do you want to go over there and stand with me?

No, Josh.

We aren't going to play her twisted little game.

We're adults. We're not gonna let her win.

I want to win.

Hi.

Hey, Cris. I see you're not wearing a ring.

Still single?

Yeah.

Still divorced?

Yeah. Mm. Hmm.

Hi. I'm Monica.

Oh, Juanita Canales' daughter.

You are the legitimate one, right?

So, are you Cristela's boyfriend?

Oh, we're not saying yes, and we're not saying no.

Uh, we're just buddies from work.

I'm Josh.

Well, do you want to dance? We all know Cris won't.

Well, actually, we were just about to go stand.

No, go.

You know, w-with any luck, you could be her next ex-husband.

Oh, okay. Sure.

Let's, uh, let's go dance.

Well, you can kiss your Josh goodbye.

You're far, far distant future just got far, far, farther.

I can't believe your Guatemalan friend Josh is dancing with Juanita Canales' daughter.

Ama, he's white.

Quiet! I'm trying to start a rumor.

I don't want that phony being the one that everyone is impressed with.

Who cares?

You know, my pretend boyfriend isn't my biggest accomplishment.

No, but your pretend white boyfriend would be.

Can you stop?

Look. I'm sorry I'm not your idea of a woman.

I go to college. Boom, you're disappointed.

I don't want to settle down and have kids.

Boom, I'm dying alone.

What is this "boom"?

I'm done talking to you.

I should have given you a quinceañera.

Maybe you would have come out different.

Okay, I'm not done talking to you.

Look. I am different. You know?

I-I'm not looking for Mr. Right.

I like drinking beer and watching football while wearing pants with an elastic band.

Oh, yes. I should brag about that.

Everybody, gather 'round.

This is my daughter. She's my son.

You know, Cris, it isn't all ama's fault.

You want her to say how great you are, but I'm not sure you know it.

Yes, I do.

Whenever I meet anybody, I tell them how great I am.

Hey, dude.

Check this out, huh?

See?

And why aren't you dancing with Josh?

'Cause I don't dance.

Especially not with someone like Josh.

Two beers.

Look, white guys can be clunky dancers, I know, but he's not horrible.

No.

The Joshes of the world aren't interested in girls like me.

They want someone like them.

Cris, you guys go to the same school.

You take the same classes, and you even work at the same job.

You are someone like him.

This is different.

You know, with school and a job, you can become good at it by working hard.

You can't be good at relationships until you have your heart broken.

No, thank you.

[Chuckles]

Are you laughing?

I'm sorry.

It's just that you make such a big deal about everything.

"You can't be good unless you get your heart broken.

Oh, no, thank you."

Stop it!

I mean, come on.

You're asking for a dance, not a kidney.

What about you?

"Oh, no one's paying attention to me 'cause my husband's prettier."

"The Joshes of the world aren't interested in girls like me."

"My husband's a sears model."

Honey, if you don't want to dance, we don't have to dance.

We have to dance.

Okay, now I'm really confused.

And you better be great because I'm feeling very good about myself.

As you should. You look great.

Don't make this about you.

[Sighs]

Screw it.

Excuse me. I have to talk to him.

[Sighs]

Uh, what's up?

If I said I wanted to dance, what would you say to me?

First, you're standing on my foot.

And, uh, second, yeah, sure.

I'd love to dance with you.

No, you have to ask me, you know?

I'm shy.

Okay.

Would you like to dance with me?

What?

I'm so surprised.

Okay.

Great. Just, uh, don't tell my cousin.

She gets very jealous.

[Chuckles]

[Slow dance music plays]

Um, I didn't think I'd have a good time at this quinceañera.

[Feedback]

Natalia: E-excuse me.

I have something to say.

I just want everyone to know that I am proud of my daughter.

She's not married, she drinks beer, and she wears stretchy pants.

Cristela, is that right?

Who is this Cristela girl?

She sounds like a winner.

So, what'd you think?

Mm, don't tell my mom but way better than a bar mitzvah.

[Chuckles]

Well, don't tell my mom, but...

You know what? Don't tell her anything.

[Sighs]

What?

Nothing. Just kind of proud.

I guess I was the right guy at the right time.

[Chuckles]

Um, I think you're taking that first dance thing the wrong way.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Not this time. No.

You're the one who said it was a big deal.

Wow! Someone thinks they're special.

[Laughs]

I was promised I'm special just by virtue of my alabaster pigment.

[Chuckles]

This is wonderful.

Juanita Canales is yelling at her daughter for not landing a man. [Gasps]

And it's all thanks to you, Josh.

No, I'm sure they had issues before me.

I... take the win.

You've made a bitter old woman very, very happy.