02x06 - The End of the Middle

[bunniefuu]

Here's a little test for you.

What medical drama about doctors working in a children's hospital has been on television the longest?

Well, if you had said anything other than "Childrens Hospital" or "Kid Emergency Room," you'd be wrong.

But that's all about to change, because after fifteen long years on the air, "Childrens Hospital" is pulling the plug.

I almost forget what I look like without the makeup on, you know?

And later on in the program, dolphins have long been derided as poor man's tuna... Not quite fish, not quite mammal.

I'm Louis La Fonda.

All that and Andy Rooney tonight on "Newsreaders."

For the cast and crew of "Childrens Hospital" and its many fans, next Friday at 10:30 P.M. marks the end of an era.

That's when the final episode airs for the first time, in one sense, a victim of its own success, but in another more real sense, a victim of low ratings.

Got the "Newsreaders" crew here.

Hi, Mom.

"Newsreaders" set out to document this historic final episode, but what we actually found may surprise you.

Action.

If he dies, let it be on your conscience.

You mean I'm not gonna get in any real trouble if he dies.

If you can live with yourself afterward.

Yeah, sure, totally.

Up top.

I'm sorry, David? Can we cut?

I... I can't remember which hand Blake uses to do things.

Well, which hand do you use?

Blake would use the hand you use.

Look, are you right-handed or are you left-handed?

I'm sorry. I'm just really confused.

But before there was the "Childrens Hospital" of today, there was this pilot that was made originally for daytime TV.

It never made it to air, but it contained the DNA of what the show would eventually become.

You're both damn good doctors... and lovers, but I have to fire one of you.

No, Chief.

Chief, no.

I actually play the role of, uh, both twins.

Stop and we'll just switch the, uh... Switch it over.

Okay, good.

Quickly, please.

This is the 1960s, guys.

In fact, as soon as anybody opens their mouth on a TV show, you have to pay them a lot more money.

Isn't that right, Jay?

But some people were lucky enough to get lines, fifteen seasons worth.

The cast of "Childrens Hospital."

None of us knew it would get so big so fast, did we?

It was like a runaway train with its head cut off, wasn't it?

I couldn't walk down the street without being mobbed.

I had to walk down through neighborhoods where mostly blind people lived so I could have some peace while walking.

"It's hard for me because I don't speak English.

Fans think that because I learn all of my lines phonetically, I understand them when they make sex talk at me.

I only kind of do."

Yeah.

You're gorgeous, you know that.

You're gorgeous.

Very beautiful.

By the end of the first season, "Childrens Hospital" was a bona fide hit.

But even as these gorgeous doctors were breaking hearts, the show itself was breaking new ground, such as this scene from season four, the first time a doctor was portrayed on television... by a woman.

Oh! Sorry, nurse.

We thought the new doctor was coming in.

She did just come in.

First of all, you mean "he" just came in.

And where is he?

No, I definitely did not mean "he."

What are you talking about, nurse, uh... What is your name again?

The name is Lola Spratt, Dr. Lola Spratt.

Righteous!

And "Childrens Hospital" would popularize more than just the catch phrase "Righteous!"

The show had become a global phenomenon.

Foreign-language versions were produced in Canada... Hawaii...

Los Angeles... Even India.

But as the flagship show reached its late middle age, some thought that the writers had lost touch with their original vision.

The story lines became convoluted.

Everyone relax. The tornado has passed.

We may be trapped here for a while, but help is on the way.

My water just broke.

I'm gonna have a nephew.

What?

Who are you?

We're the Boom Town Breakdance Troupe.

We're in town for a show and decided to stop by.

Looks like you guys could use some help.

In a creative lull, the cast and crew became disillusioned and bored, culminating in the now-infamous scandal that would mark the beginning of the end of "Childrens Hospital," as well as the end of the middle of our news story.

Tell me about the scandal.

Well, you can listen to the tabloids, but here's my side of the story.

I was trading derivatives in Asian markets and rededicating the returns into municipal slush funds.

I was heavy on domestic commodities, so I was merely repurposing the dividends into auction market preferred stocks.

I messed up.

To combat the sagging popularity of the show, the producers hired Fred Nunley, a well-known TV veteran who has been brought in to save many beloved shows over the last three decades.

None of those shows have made it to another season.

"Childrens Hospital" had jumped the shark.

The show's cancelation was announced after the first episode of this season.

How did you all feel when you knew the show was coming to an end?

I think we all had the same reaction, you know, which was, "Thank God!"

The first person to hear the news was Dixie Peters, who played Dr. Cat Black up until this season, when her character d*ed unexpectedly in childbirth.

Ironically, Ms. Peters d*ed in real life shortly before taping this interview.

The idea of doing another episode makes me physically ill.

I mean, I'd rather do anything else.

I'd rather do a fifteen-minute low-budget comedy for basic cable.

I mean, not literally.

I watched all my friends skyrocket to stardom while I was stuck, day in and day out, year after year, on this show.

Just Falcon joined the cast in 1993.

I was offered "Crocodile Dundee"...

But they kept me locked into my contract, so three sequels later, my very good friend Paul Hogan is a former millionaire.

The answer to your question is... Yes, we are all best friends in real life.

The man that plays the clown makes me sad.

On the surface, filming this last episode was just like another day at the office, even if tensions were running a little high.

I don't care if it's your birthday.

You quit sulking!

"I am a doctor."

Yet, no one would speak about the 200-pound gorilla in the room.

This is a very difficult time for you, isn't it?

No.

Unwilling to let go after fifteen years on the show, Cutter Spindell organized protests to the network.

But I guess it didn't work.

I know I've only been working here a few months, but already, you all feel like family to me.

I'm gonna miss this place... More than you know...

More than you'll ever know.

Hello?

Doctors?

And cut!

And that's a wrap, folks!

Hold on, hold on, hold on!

Everyone, quiet!

Hey, listen, listen.

Word is the cancellation... has been canceled.

A bunch of fans or who knows who wrote letters, and...

They're gonna continue the show indefinitely.

All the contracts are automatically renewed, and call time's 5:45 in the morning.

Turns out my hard work paid off.

Georgene here saw my sign, and she recruited thousands of people to write letters.

I did it for the kids.

I mean, I couldn't imagine why a TV network would want to shut down a children's hospital.

I'm sorry.

I just wanted to clarify...

We did it.

Well, what needs to be clarified?

We wrote letters, and she saved the hospital.

I helped save a children's hospital.

Well, you helped to save "Childrens Hospital," not a children's hospital.

A children's hospital.

Right.

I'm sorry...

And that's that.

And that's that.

What a success story.

Like a death-row prisoner granted a reprieve at the 11th hour, "Childrens Hospital" lives to see another day.

Only, this show won't spend its first day of freedom getting wasted at a strip club.

I'm Louis La Fonda, and this is "Newsreaders."

Pa... parox... paroxy... oxysmal... yocult.

Otoacoustic.

Otoacush... ot... otoacoustic... oto.

Oto.

He has an injury to his elbum... Elbowe... elboum... Elbowe.

I think this man needs an oper-an-n.

Operadion.

A operishun.

Opera-teon.

Peer-adion.

E-l-b-o-w.

Elbowe.

Can I see it written down?

Elboom, elbowe.

What is even the elblow?

Give me 10cc of penis-illin.

Penis-illin.

What the hell is that?

What is penis-illin?

Penicillin.

Penicillin.

Oh!

What the hell is that?

Next week on "Newsreaders," Kate Walsh, star of the hit series "Private Practice".

Taye Diggs or Tim Daley?