02x10 - Show Me On Montana

[bunniefuu]

Announcer: Previously on "Childrens Hospital"...

Okay, Tyler. Here comes "Catheter Zeta Jones" to help you go "Sarah Jessica Pee-Pee."

Oh!

Uh-oh.

Looks like you gave him a "Woody Harrelson."

Do you have any idea how much talent it takes to run a surgical team?

I have an M.D. from Harvard.

I'm board certified in cardiothoracic medicine and trauma surgery.

I have commendations from seven different medical boards in New England and Brazil, and I am never, ever sick at sea.

So, I ask you, when someone goes into that chapel and they get down on their knees and they pray to God that little Becky doesn't die in surgery, who do you think they're praying to?

You ask me if I have a God complex.

Well, let me tell you something.

I am God!

I just think your daughter could participate more in class.

Where are you taking us?

Blood pressure?

Completely stable.

Vitals?

Strong.

This is not an emergency.

We need more time.

Damn it!

We're just here for our appointment.

It was at 10:30.

Get them out of here!

Valerie: "Father." "Mother." "Daughter."

Aren't they just words?

Speaking of families, how come on TV, family arguments are always resolved by the end of the episode?

I don't know about you, but in my house, folks be hating on each other for years.

No, but I do watch a lot of TV, and I especially love the commercials.

Like, what's the deal with the beer ads?

Who are the wizards that came up with these things?

Anyway, today at Childrens, all the mothers and fathers are bringing their daughters to work.

Your daughter is very cute, Lola.

Thank you.

Okay, Willow, time for your juice.

Okay.

Oh.

Here we go.

There we go.

What? Is there a problem?

'Cause I support a woman's right to choose.

All right. Who have we here?

Hey, Chief.

I want you to meet my little Schmoitle.

Hello, Schmoitle.

Good Shabbas.

Here's your name tag right here.

Oh. Okay, she's not taking it.

Yeah, she can't pick that up.

That's considered work, and she can't work until sundown... You know, Shabbas.

Well, I have brought my "wittle" baby daughter, Harmony, here to see what Mommy does for her living.

[Glenn chuckling] Hey.

Yeah, I actually own my own real-estate business, so...

She's a little bit shy, so I brought her special friend Montana to see her.

Mom!

I threw that away when I was, like, nine years old.

Did you take that out of the garbage?

Ew! Please!

I want a kiss.

Oh, my gosh!

Oh, this is gonna be such a great day with all our little babies.

Glenn: Hey, everybody, Blake brought his daughters, and they're gonna sing for us.

[Pitch pipe plays]

♪ Dream land, it's me and you forever. ♪
♪ I'll be your Cinderella. ♪
♪ You're mine, it's in my M.O... ♪

[Whistle blows]

Wow! That was terrible.

Where are the harmonies, huh?

Where's the passion?

I'm sorry, Daddy.

It'll be better next time.

I hate the sound of your voice.

[Whimpers]

Blake: Let's start again.

♪ Dream land, it's me and you... ♪

Stop! One more, as if you loved me.

♪ Dream land, it's me... ♪

You don't love me.

Got it. Thank you.

[Tires screech]

Owen: Oh, yeah.

Valerie: What have we got here?

Twelve-year-old child, both sets of genitals.

Parents don't know what to choose... The meat and potatoes or the stinky fish salad.

Hey, sport, let me ask you a question.

When Dad here takes you to the ballpark, do you like a foot-long frank or a hot, steaming plate of vag*na?

Mr. and Mrs. Leplante, why now?

Ray's always wanted a son...

Scalpel!

But I've always wanted a girl.

What mother wouldn't?

We thought we would know what to do by now.

Perhaps you've noticed a change in his/her vocal pitch or her/his pissing technique.

Has she/he been exhibiting any stereotypically female behaviors?

Like interrupting the man when he's talking?

This is the biggest decision of its life!

Exactly.

Why don't we just ask shim how her/him sees hermself.

Herm?

Glenn: Schmoitle, it's touch and go with this one.

Look at that. Oy!

[Monitor beeping]

[Alarm beeping]

[Coughing]

Harmony: Well, it's a no.

'Cause we'd have to gut the whole kitchen.

It's j... I cannot do it for less than $50,000. I can't.

Honey, don't you want to know what Mommy does for a living?

Yeah, I am.

And it is actually worse than last year, if you can believe that.

Harmony, Harmony, look at Mommy.

Look at Mommy.

What?! What?!

Take that out of your mouth.

What is this?

Lollipop.

What is this? Tell Mommy.

It's a lollipop.

Oh, my God.

Child molester!

Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! Child molester!

♪ It's 11:59, ♪
♪ we're runnin' out of time. ♪
♪ I'm about to lose my way until we can be together again... ♪

Child molester, where are you?!

He could be anyone!

No.

No.

Looking good.

No.

Definitely not.

Oh, this is so frustrating.

Child molester! It's you and me, baby!

Sal: Attention, staff.

Please stay away from my personal belongings.

Look, kid, do you want to be a girl?

Do you want to grow up to be something stupid like a hair stylist?

Or do you want to be the president or a lumberman?

Plus, you get to have a penis.

You can whip it out at parties, hit people in the face with it, throw it on your wrist like a cool watch.

You can use it as a skateboard.

You can pick up loose change with it.

You can't do any of that fun stuff with a vag*na.

You can't give birth with a d*ck.

Herm here couldn't give birth if herm tried.

And even if herm could, we're talking stretch marks, skid marks, double butt, waist boobs.

Do you want your mangina to look like Kermit's mouth?

Prostate cancer.

Ovarian cancer.

Testicular cancer.

How dare you throw my balls in my face?!

[Valerie chuckles]

[Owen gagging]

What?

Period. Period! Oh, my God.

You guys, get in here!

What?

What? What? What?

Oh, God, that's disgusting!

Oh!

Oh, she perioded.

Ew!

You're on your period!

That is gross.

Stop it!

I've listened to everything you have to say, and I realized it doesn't matter if you're a male or a female or both.

All that matters... is what's in your heart.

[Owen sniffles]

Are you crying?

No.

Hey. Hey.

Must find child molester.

No, when I find you, you won't touch any more children's bottoms ever ag...

Aah! There he is!

Child molester! Oh!

[Laughs]

Where you're going, you're gonna get your lollipop licked plenty.

By a bunch of dudes.

I'm sorry. I don't follow you at all.

In prison.

Ew.

Mom, this is my boyfriend.

Oh, is that what he calls it?

Oh, you disgust me!

God. Yes!

That's what we're calling it 'cause I'm twenty-seven years old!

He's not a child molester, because I'm not a child!

Where did he touch you?

Honey, show me.

Oh, my God.

Show me on Montana.

Did he touch you here?

Yup. A couple times.

Did he touch you there?

Mm-hmm. Just the tip.

Did he touch you there?

Mom, everywhere. We had sex.

Oh, God!

Yeah, and I drive an unmarked white van 'cause I'm an undercover lollipop salesman.

Look, here's my card.

You got a card?

Chief: "Lollipops for any occasion, discretion guaranteed."

Oh, God. Okay.

Oh. I got it.

My bad.

Mom.

Yeah?

I'm too old for "Take your daughter to work" day.

It's time to let me go.

It's just, um, really hard to accept that your little girl doesn't need you anymore.

That's crazy. I need you.

I need you, Mom. I love you.

Oh.

Can I borrow her for a minute?

Yes.

Come on.

Grab onto my cr*pple sticks, and let's go for a ride just like we used to.

Whoo!

For old time's sake. Here we go.

Whoa!

Up, up, and away!

Go faster!

Bye-bye, you guys.

Have fun, but be safe.

We don't want two cripples in the family.

[Chuckles]

[Sighs]

Where are the kids?

♪ I know breast milk is best, ♪
♪ I get that, but this is ridiculous. ♪
♪ Waiting for Shabbat to end so that she can plug him in. ♪
♪ Well, now, we can certainly blame the Jews for that one, too. ♪
♪ And I don't know who this kid is, but she's really looking ♪
♪ around like something's going on. ♪
♪ These parents are really worried about their son, daughter, son, whichever. ♪
♪ Valerie and Owen make out over the hermaphrodite's surgery and ♪
♪ cover eyes that are already closed. ♪
♪ Here come those creepy kids. ♪
♪ Ooh... ♪

Eh.

Owen: Wake up, sport.

There you are.

Valerie: Hey.

Owen: Hey.

Listen, we're sorry we tried to label you earlier, put you in a box.

He wanted you to be a man.

And she wanted you to be a woman.

But you said something, and we listened.

You said it doesn't matter if you're male or female or both.

So we put aside our differences and did what you wanted.

Owen: We cut off your penis and scooped out your ovaries.

Valerie: Congrats, kid. You're neither.

[Chuckles]

You were right.

It is just a matter of the heart.

Oh, look, it's crying.

Owen: Tears of joy.

A matter of the heart.

I'm sorry, Daddy. It'll be better next time.

You're adopted.

Sal: Hospital administrators, take note.

"The Arsenio Hall Show" has been cancelled.