03x04 - Home Is Where The Hospital Is

[bunniefuu]

Announcer: Previously on Childrens Hospital...

Your son's operation is over.

And?

What do you think?

How did it go?

How do you think it went?

I don't know.

You were in there.

Or maybe I wasn't.

I mean, you got to think this stuff over before you start running off at the mouth.

Owen, a word with you, if I might.

Is this about me sleeping with your sister again, Sy?

Oh, yes.

But now I'm begging you to reconsider.

Look, she's going through a tough dry spell.

She could really use it.

No can do, bro.

You know my rule.

Yes, you don't sleep with girls who look like Ray Liotta.

Bingo! And your sister is Totes Liotts.

Lola: Ugh!

Glenn, you cannot leave your dirty socks in the fridge!

You are such a neat freak!

I pity the fool who ends up being your boyfriend, you bitch.

Kiss me already.

Oh, who forgot to clean out the coffee grinder?

Sorry. That was me.

You know how I am before I have my coffee in the morning.

Ohh!

Blake, you have to wear pants if we're all in the kitchen together.

I'm sorry.

You know how am I before I put on my pants on in the morning.

Oh, come on, guys!

Who got chocolate sauce all over the counter?

That's my blood, actually. Sorry.

Oh, yeah?

Ugh! Guys, this is crazy.

We have to work out a system for the mornings so that we're not all on top of each other.

Guys, I think we're avoiding the larger issue here: That our apartment isn't big enough for us.

Guys, to put it another way, there's too many of us for the apartment.

Guys, which means that one of us... will have to move out.

He's right.

It's the only way.

Brian: It's settled then. Who's it gonna be?

Blake.

Oh, wait!

It can't be me.

My dad co-signed the lease.

Well, can't be me.

I'm under house arrest.

What about Valerie?

No, you guys are too afraid of me.

Did we try Blake?

Oh.

Yeah, we did. Remember?

Oh.

Oh, what about Owen?

No, not me.

Yeah, he's got a point.

Hey, did we try Blake?

Yeah.

Owen: I don't think so.

Well, think about it.

I guess it has to be one of us.

Sy: Owen. O-ski.

Listen, the kid in 311 has terminal cancer, and the Dying Wish Foundation has granted him one last wish.

I'm giving that to you.

Dying Wish Foundation?

Weren't they caught organizing a dogfighting ring?

No, that was Michael Vick.

Oh, yeah.

I always get them confused.

Yeah. So his death... In your hands.

Cool.

I don't really know how to end this conversation.

So... High five?

Sure.

Yeah.

Hi, Dr. Flame.

I thought maybe you would like to know that I'm going home for lunch.

You want a medal?

No, but, really?

What, you think you deserve an award for going home and eating lunch?

Is that what you think? Is that what you think?

Suck on it.

Oh.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

How's my main man?

Good.

I'm gonna help you forget that you'll soon be dead.

I'm allowed to grant you one wish.

Cool.

Yeah.

Thanks, Dr... Maestro?

Oh. Don't thank me, kid.

You can thank the Dying Wish Foundation.

Now, what's it gonna be, sport?

I wish for... unlimited wishes.

You little son of a bitch.

Suck it, Maestro.

That's against wish protocol.

Let's refer to the text, douche bag.

What the...

The wish benefactor, hereafter called the party of the first part, shall not incur nor be denied of limited liability of wishes, either casually, temporarily, permanently, or on secondment.

Now get me an order of Peking duck from China, and I want a pregnant nurse to sit over there looking sad wearing an American-flag bikini.

What kind of nurse?

Pregnant.

I don't see any way around it.

We'll flip a coin to see who has to leave the apartment.

Wait, wait.

We can move in together, share a room.

That would free up space, and everybody would be happy.

Glenn, I love you, but I'm just... I'm not sure I'm ready to give up my place... You know, between your room and the john.

Plus, if we move in together, then the other roommates would know that we're dating.

Right, and we're not ready to tell them yet.

[ Inhales deeply ]

It's our little secret.

Now, pet the goat like you like it.

Like you love it!

I don't think you're supposed to have goats in here.

Call the Globetrotters.

I want to watch Jeopardy! with them today.

Aren't you supposed to be dying?

When do you think that's gonna happen?

Make out with it.

I'm not gonna make...

Yes, now!

[ Smooches ]

Owen: I'm allergic to goats.

I'm so sorry.

I was just on my way home.

I have the rest of the day off.

[ Valerie gasps ] Get out.

That's crazy.

Yeah.

Let me call a press conference.

Shave off one of your eyebrows.

Owen: Shave off one of my eyebrows?

[ The 88's "Coming Home" plays ]

♪ Oh, won't you be good to yourself? ♪
♪ And don't you feel like coming home? ♪
♪ It'll be good. ♪
♪ It'll be like coming home. ♪
♪ Blend all your days into weeks. ♪

Hey.

Hey.

Oh, my gosh. Are we alone?

Yeah.

That never happens.

What are you doing?

I'm catching up on Black Hospital.

Ah.

This show is so unrealistic.

Hey, let's do it.

Sure.

Can we wait till commercial?

I am sorry that I am not as smart as you!

You always out-emotion me!

I can't even have my own feelings because you are always feeling so much more!

Fine!

We'll go to your parents' house for Thanksgiving.

I had an abortion, Glenn! An abortion!

[ Sighs ] Look at us.

This is tearing us apart.

I miss you.

I really need to take a dump.

Hey, anybody up for a mustache contest? I win.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't my old partner, Detective Chance Briggs.

Aren't you a sight for sore eyebrow?

I came as soon as you called.

What's the problem?

Can you arrest a little kid for being a d*ck?

If he's a Muslim.

Listen to this.

I called the Dying Wish Foundation.

I got no answer.

I'm beginning to think something's up.

Wait a minute.

This kid, is he about yea big?

That's the one.

You're being scammed, Owen.

That's Johnny "The Dying Kid" McCloud.

He pretends he's terminal in order to steal wishes from unsuspecting hospitals.

There is no Dying Wish Foundation.

Yes, there is.

He plays Q.B. for the Philadelphia Eagles.

You're thinking of Michael Vick.

We got to stop this kid. Come on.

You live in an out-of-order bathroom?

Uh-huh.

Come with me.

It's as if I'm not supposed to be a guy anymore.

Dude, as your best friend in the whole wide world, let me just tell you something.

You're turning into a chick!

Here's what you got to do.

Dress as a woman, become her best friend for six to eight months, get her to talk some smack about you, and then nail her on it!

Foolproof plan!

That's a great idea.

Oh, but she has a best friend already.

I thought I knew him.

But all he wants to do is control me.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Probably.

Vegas!

m*rder him and molest his dead body!

What?

Vegas!

Bro, you do not want to end up like me.

Look at me: Two kids, great job, solid retirement plan, and guess what kind of car I surround my awesome portable DVD system with.

What?

Minivan.

How's the sex?

Amazing.

That is the part that always works.

That's the part that's gotten stale.

We're in a rut.

She refuses to play with my balls.

You can't expect her to like bowling as much as you.

How's the sex?

You should dump him.

You got to be your own woman.

[ Gasps ]

You could come with me to oral-sex rehab!

Both: Road trip!

[ Both laugh ]

Maybe you're right.

Thanks for talking with me, Pat.

You're my best friend.

Great advice, Pat.

You're my best friend.

Aww!

Can we talk about me sometimes?

No.

This is the kid's room right up here!

No, no, no, no, no!

He took everything!

Son of a bitch!

He can't have gotten far.

Let's be after him.

[ Goat bleats ]

Owen: There he is!

Briggs: Wish thief!

Aah!

Briggs: You're under arrest!

And now it's my turn to make a wish.

Arrest this kid.

Okay. You're under arrest.

And also, I wish that, one day, when you're actually dying, that you look back on all the people that you screwed over and you feel really bad about it.

I mean real bad.

Arrest him.

Again?

Nope.

Keep going with the one that you're doing.

You're all the way under arrest.

[ Glenn crying ]

My Lola.

[ Lola crying ]

Oh, Glenn.

[ Glenn sobbing ]

[ Lola sobbing ]

[ All sobbing ]

Glenn!

I'm ready now.

Lola.

Guys, we have an announcement to make.

Lola and I have been dating.

Surprise!

[ Both laugh ]

Glenn: The look on your faces... It's priceless!

Anyway, we're moving in together into my room.

And that leaves an extra room in our apartment.

And I found a perfect way to use that space.

Brian: I know what you're thinking.

We put a TV and treadmill in there so we can watch shows while doing cardio.

Glenn: Oh, yeah!

That's a great idea!

I love it.

Well, I guess that solves our overcrowding issue.

Yay!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Whoo!

Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!

Whoo! Yeah!

♪ I drew a picture and painted with my fingers. ♪
♪ You could do it, too, if you want. ♪
♪ Just come on over, ♪
♪ be my friend, ♪
♪ and we could do the things we do, ♪
♪ and maybe with all the things you know too well. ♪
♪ You're just my favorite person. ♪

Sal: Attention, hospital staff: You know how they say home is where the heart is?

Well, in our case, the heart is in a cooler on the third floor, because we're a hospital.

That is all.