03x09 - Children's Hospital: A Play In Three Acts

[bunniefuu]

Welcome.

If you'll lend me your patience for a spell, I'd like to tell you about a little place called Childrens Hospital.

It's a whole day's ride from the big city, and things move a little slower here.

Now, this is the main nurse's station.

It's not much to see, really.

There's a few phones, uh, some patients' files, some scattered medicines, a few pads of post-it notes, a vinyl copy of Rolling Stones' "Tattoo You."

Some pencils, a cup or two to hold said pencils, hair clips, some old get-well balloons, a magazine that's been thumbed through more times than my cousin Samantha.

[ Laughter ]

It must be time to start a new day.

[ Mid-tempo orchestral music plays ]

[ Applause ]

Oh, lookee here. It's the Chief.

I'd like to say that she runs this place with an iron fist, but, truth to be told, her fists are weak and useless, just like the rest of her body.

She appears confident, but inside she longs to be able to dance.

[ Music continues ]

Ow!

Morning, Dr. Richie.

Morning, ma'am.

Those new tongue depressors come in yet?

[ Glenn chuckles ] Not yet, Chief.

Sy's picking them up this morning.

[ Laughs ]

That's Dr. Glenn Richie.

He's always telling it like it is with his trademark sense of humor.

Oh, and he's a Jew.

Oh, Dr. Valerie Flame.

[ Swanky music plays ]

Now, normally, if you're in bed and something's on fire, you're gonna want to put that fire out.

But in the case of Dr. Valerie Flame, this is one fire you don't want to put out.

You want to have sex with it.

But what you might not know about Valerie if you didn't know her very well is that she has a d*ck.

That's hospital administrator Sy Mittleman.

He's five years past retirement.

He should have left years ago.

I'm back from the medical warehouse.

100 jars and one tongue depressor.

Am I right? [ Chief sighs ]

No, Sy. The other way 'round.

Oh, I'm sure it was my fault, Sy.

I probably mixed things up on the order forms.

Sorry, everyone.

Poor Cat.

She's covered for Sy so often, she should be the lead singer in a Sy cover band.

And here are the young lovers, Owen and Lola.

Now, Lola is the prettiest flower you ever had the pleasure to stick your nose all up inside of.

Owen -- Well, Owen is known far and wide for his bedside manner.

[ Screams ]

They're planning a June wedding, right here at Childrens.

Now you've met all the most important people in our little hospital--

Nobody else worth mentioning.

[ Blake clears throat ] Um...

Uh, Blake Downs -- clown doctor, et cetera.

Oh, who's that over there?

Hey, hey, hey!

Can I help you?

I'm looking for a Dr. Owen Maestro.

Well, who's asking?

Name's Murphy.

I represent the largest healthcare facility in the big city: Laser Hospital.

Well, good for you, Mr. Murphy.

I have the largest elbows in my family.

That and a bus ticket takes me downtown.

[ Laughter ]

Both: Elbows.

Doctor, if I could just have five minutes of your time.

We saw the news reports about the emergency liver transplants you did at the dance marathon.

I'll cut to the quick.

We want you to come work for us.

We have a sports gym on site with power spinning, a food court, and we will give you your own Corolla.

Sounds like a blast, Mr. Murphy, but I'm not interested.

Our softball team is 10-0.

I lost both shoulders in the w*r.

We'll pay you 5% more than you're making right now.

How many percents was that again?

If you're having trouble with your internship, you come to me.

I'll be there for you.

My name is Earl Sweatshirt.

[ Cat laughs ] Oh, Sy!

What a joker.

Why, writing all that gibberish up there as a joke to break the ice among the interns.

[ Laughing ] Oh, it's classic Sy.

Y'all run along now, okay?

Shoo!

Go on! Git!

[ Clicks tongue ]

[ Chuckles ]

Sy, I can't keep covering for you.

I'm going home now.

I'm gonna be better tomorrow. [ Cat sighs ]

Bye-bye.

Chief: This can't go on, Cat.

I've spoken to the board, and they've given us the authority to sh**t Sy.

What?!

Sorry -- I mean force him to retire.

But we're all he has!

Oh, Chief, give him a chance!

Okay. But if he screws up again, we are sh**ting him or forcing him to retire-- Whichever one it was we landed on. I forgot.

Everyone! Everyone!

Gather around, please. I have an announcement to make.

I've decided to take a job at Laser Hospital.

[ All gasp ] Now, now.

Before you start getting all mushy on me, it's just time for me to start mixing with higher-level persons.

[ Melancholy orchestral music plays ]

Oh!

Lola, wait!

So, you're leaving, just like that?!

What about our wedding?

Lola, you're a wonderful girl, and although you have many, many faults, I'm quite sure you can hook in a new man before he discovers them.

Oh, no man will want me now!

I'm used up! I'm damaged goods!

Oh, there, there.

Someone might.

Maybe there's a fetish for that.

Oh! [ Door slams ]

[ Crying ]

[ Music continues ]

Goodbye, Lola.

And goodbye, Childrens Hospital.

[ Applause ]

Now, Laser Hospital is a 50-story tower in the center of the big city with all the latest technologies like bone rotation and d*ck belt replacements.

You're seven seconds late, Dr. Maestro.

Well, I'm awful sorry about that, sir, but there was an accident on the freeway, and, luckily, I was there to save a young girl's life.

Well, regardless, as per hospital policy, you get a punch in the gut.

Oof!

Now, here's your I.D. card.

Swipe it every morning when you get to work and then every hour upon the hour throughout the day and then again in the middle of the night.

Well, I'm off to sample some sample dr*gs.

Hey, Maestro, what say you and me grab a drink later, all right, loser?

[ Laughs ]

It's the fruit punch social tonight.

Time to get ready so we can meet us some gents.

I'm gonna wear the shortest skirt my mom will allow.

Well, I can't.

I have to go through all of Sy's budgets and erase all the poop stains.

And my days of romance are long gone.

I'll just sit here and darn some of these old socks, try to masturbate.

[ Valerie sighs ]

[ Up-tempo techno music plays ]

Meanwhile, in the big city, Owen hits the town with his new friends.

Hey, this pan-galactic gargle blaster will keep you going all night!

Let's go!

[ Music continues ]

Murphy: Hey, Maestro! Come join us!

[ Music stops ]

[ Laughter continues ]

You know what I wish for?

I wish that wherever Owen is, he's happy.

I wish that Lola finds true love again, that Sy regains his sanity, and that Cat finally finds peace.

And as for me, well... I have a wish.

But my wish is only a fantasy.

[ Mid-tempo orchestral music plays ]

Does this thing come off? I like it.

Yeah, get that off. Ooh, that's better.

That would be rad.

Cat: You have to eat some real food, Sy.

Now, toothpaste and darts is not a meal.

We need to end this once and for all.

Sy, your days at Childrens Hospital are over. Go home!

Oh. Okay.

But first could you show me to Liz Taylor's dressing room?

I'd like to smooch her up goodbye.

Va-va-voom.

Oh, Sy. [ Gasps ]

Meanwhile, over at Laser Hospital...

Here you go, kid.

Have a lollipop -- best medicine I know.

You know what?

I'm starting to feel better already.

Dr. Maestro!

We treat kids with medicine here.

Save the bedside manner for the prostitutes, which the hospital does provide to you at a discount if you do meet your revenue quotas.

Are we clear?

Well --

Fine! Good to hear it.

And just to make sure that you know that I'm serious, I'm gonna punch you in the gut.

Oof!

[ Melancholy piano music plays ]

Time passed -- Three long days, to be exact.

Two days is nothing, but three?

Well, that changes a body.

I wonder how Sy is doing ever since he was forced to retire those many three days ago.

I wonder where he is right... now!

[ Wind gusting ]

[ Sy groaning ]

Oh, my God! It's Sy!

Oh, what's a-matter, you? Ah, shut up your face!

Sy is sick with something.

I think it's more like a textbook case of not being needed.

Poor Sy. Maybe we shouldn't have sh*t him.

Owen: Well, what a shame. [ All gasp ]

Maybe what old Sy needs is some of my healing bedside manner.

Lola: Owen! You're back!

What's your name, sir?

[ Gruffly ]: Tobey Maguire.

How about a lollipop, Tobey?

[ Slow orchestral music plays ]

Who's Tobey?

[ All gasp ]

Hey, wait a minute!

What's going on? Where am I?

The old Sy! Oh, he's cured!

You know, I learned something when I was at Laser Hospital.

It's not about how many fancy machines you have in your exam room or who made the suit you're wearing -- Armani.

But enough of my babbling on.

We've got a wedding to plan.

[ All gasp ]

[ Applause ]

Mazel tov! Mazel tov!

And that's it.

They were married that night with a clearheaded Sy officiating.

And Chief never did end up fulfilling her dream of a three-way with those two bisexual dancers, but maybe one day she will.

That was a great story, Grandpa Owen.

Wait.

Owen?

Were you that young groom, Grandpa?

No, no, no. I was one of the black bisexual dancers.

Oh, okay.

Wow. So many questions.

Well, like I said, sweetie, that's a story for a different time.

[ Applause ]