03x14 - Newsreaders

[bunniefuu]

Last season, Newsreaders visited the set of the venerable medical drama Childrens Hospital to document its pending demise.

And our cameras were there as it was saved in the last minute of its final hour.

Childrens Hospital's ratings sh*t to the sky like a beanstalk, and it was our report that sold the cow to buy the magic beans.

So, how did the cast of Childrens Hospital weather this unexpected burst of success?

The answer might surprise you. It also might not.

And, later in the program, gray whales --

More like gay whales?

All that and Andy Kaufman, tonight on Newsreaders.

Success comes in many forms: Money, recognition, wet trim.

But for the cast of Childrens Hospital, all of it came quite unexpectedly.

What in the world?

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Nice surprise.

So very nice of you.

With their success came power, and they could have whatever they wanted.

Each of you is getting your own spin-off.

What?!

[ All shouting ]

Except for Cutter.

[ Somber music plays ]

Cutter: I was surprised and upset that everyone else got a spinoff except for me.

And then I was reminded that I had my own spinoff two years ago.

I had completely forgotten.

It was a ratings disaster.

But, ironically, we won several awards.

No, you won no awards.

It's something.

In a tear-filled season finale, all of the characters went their separate ways to star in their own spinoffs, leaving Dr. Blake Downs behind to man the hospital alone.

Well, Blake, we're all off to lead very different and interesting lives.

Far away from you.

But it won't be without some bruises and bumps along the way.

And I'm sure we'll all pop in from time to time just to say hello.

Hold down the fort, buddy.

And remember to feed the dog.

We have a dog?

We have a dog.

Huh.

Valerie.

Yes, Blake.

I said "Valerie."

You don't have to be a d*ck about everything.

Yes, Blake?

I love you.

I think you know that, and wherever you may go and whatever you -- Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Wait, wait.

Bye.

In the first show to spin off Childrens Hospital, Dixie Peters' character, Cat Black, gained the ability to communicate with ghosts and diagnose what k*lled them.

It wasn't endometrial cancer after all.

Your husband tells me it was pancreatic cancer that k*lled him.

Oh, thank you, doctor.

You're welcome.

So, how do we cure him and bring him back?

I'm sorry. Do what, now?

This show does something that no show on TV does.

I mean, other than Medium and The Ghost Whisperer.

Right. So, it's kind of like those shows.

Jennifer Love Hewitt is a dear, dear friend of mine.

I said to her one day -- I was like, "Listen, Jennifer Love."

[ Chuckles ]

I said, "Can I do this show?"

She looked at me, and she said -- She said, "No."

[ Chuckles ]

The next show to spin off found Rob Heubel's character, Dr. Owen Maestro, healing people in third-world countries.

Okay, team, listen up!

We're not going anywhere today.

It was called Doctors with Borders.

We're not going anywhere outside of this very specific zone.

It's too dangerous.

I need more maps, stat!

More maps!

Doctors with Borders.

It's a show that presupposes that not all doctors are heroic and not all people can be helped.

It's about saving the most important life of all: Your own.

Heubel's show is cute, but I wanted my show to go deeper.

You know, I want, for one hour a week, people to step out of their dreary and humdrum lives and enter the exciting and exotic world of the mole people.

Another severed arm.

You mole people, you have got to stop sleeping on the subway tracks.

The tracks are where it's warm.

Get a dog!

We'd just eat a dog!

Well, then get a blanket.

Are you kidding?! Blankets are delicious!

[ Retches ]

So describe your spinoff in a nutshell.

Okay.

Dr. Glenn Richie is reunited with his twin brother Gary and we find out that our father has another set of twins, and they exist completely in an alternate reality, and they're extremely fat, but we never see them eat anything. And this is important. This is a clue This is important. This is a clue.

Hey.

How are you doing today?

Good, good. I've still got that shoulder thing.

Yeah, you really pulled it, didn't you?

Yeah.

Yeah, it still hurts. Ow!

That show doesn't look like what you described at all.

Well, you're just not watching it right.

In Locked in Doctorin', we discover that the Chief's condition has deteriorated.

S-t... a... S-t-a...

T -- s-t-a-t. Stat! Got it!

But she still retained her trademark wit.

In Nine Lives, a judge orders Fred Nunley's character, Sy Mittleman, to adopt nine children whose parents he helped commit assisted su1c1de.

Where's my mommy?

Look, I don't know which one your mommy was, but wherever she is, it was totally her decision.

I hate children.

Here I am playing with nine.

So, I asked the producers to sh**t me alone and then put the kids in later digitally, because when I'm around the kids, I just get nauseous.

Valerie Flame, played by Ingrid Hagerstown, found herself working in an identical Children's Hospital in her native Sweden, where the laughs never stop.

[ Speaking Swedish ]

[ Studio laughter and applause ]

Was it nice to act in a language that you could understand?

[ Speaking Swedish ]

Interpreter: Yes, absolutely. I loved it.

It was so freeing.

You're gorgeous.

You know that?

Very beautiful.

I would slit my wife's throat to be with you.

And on the home front, the Childrens Hospital producers decided to surround lone survivor Cutter Spindell with a cast of fresh young faces.

Okay, I need answers, people.

Maybe we should treat him for metabolic acidosis.

You sound like me when I was your age: Like a dumb idiot.

Um, maybe we should test him for hypothyroidism.

Maybe I should test you for hypothyroidism.

♪ Thinkin' back to when I was a kid... ♪
♪ I got B's 'cause I didn't fit in... ♪
♪ But you always made me feel... ♪

You tested positive.

Thank you.

Do I miss the way the show used to be? That's a great question.

Um... No.

But then again, technically, I am autistic.

So, missing things is a tough concept for me.

But when I do think about the show, I feel...

Da-da-da...

That one.

As former president Benjamin Franklin learned so piercingly from an assassin's b*llet in his temple, causing his untimely death, fame has its costs.

And for the former cast of Childrens Hospital, the cost of fame was high.

To say they were spiraling downhill fast would be an understatement.

So, who's gonna put sunscreen on me? You? I doubt it.

To say they were spiraling downhill very fast?

Well, that's more accurate.

Hold my scarf. Put it on its hanger -- On the scarf hanger.

dr*gs...

Human trafficking...

Their underlings turning on them.

You look at me!

Look at your stupid --

You're a [bleep]! You gay, mustache-wearing [bleep]!

Aah!

I was h*m*!

And beavers.

In the end, none of the spinoffs made it past the first episode.

With the cast off the air and out of work, Newsreaders decided to bring them together to reflect on what happened.

But they weren't willing to meet as a group, so we had to employ some clever trickery.

We sent each actor an anonymous invitation to a weekend getaway at a country mansion.

So, who do you think's behind all this?

It could be the producers.

What's with the g*ns?

Welcome.

Oh, not this guy.

As you can see, in front of you, there's a delicious meal and a g*n.

We've given you a choice.

You can either eat the food and, for the first time in years, enjoy each other's company, or you can take up the g*n and sh**t the pers--

Aah!

[ g*nf*re ]

[ Stammers ]

Of course, we -- We thought that they would choose the meal.

I -- Yeah, I didn't --

I had no idea that they were gonna m*rder each other so -- so gleefully.

[ Stammering ]

It's totally -- It's totally my fault.

I mean...

Luckily, there were blanks in the g*ns.

And so the cast returned to the mother ship.

Oh, yay! There she is.

Valerie.

Oh.

See ya.

Bye.

[ Sighs ]

You're my only friend, Cornelius.

Next week, from Private Practice to private life, more of my conversation with Kate Walsh...

[ Both laugh ]

And manatees. Man, what a tease?

I'm Louis La Fonda, and this is Newsreaders.

[ Fanfare ]

I love the way you guys talk.

Thank you.

Pickles.

Bangers and mash.

Bangers and m-- Yeah.

I'm sh**ting a scene with Rob Heubel right now. I can't talk.

Hi, C.J.

Rob -- Rob says hello.

[ Chuckles ]

And there's a mind sweeper, who is a central character, but we never see him.

What is going on with...

Oh.

The brow.

Listen, I'm about truth, and this is the truth. This is the truth of my face.